Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Health Fund - full transcript

Oh.

Mateo, we get it.

Okay, I can't help it. I
have an ear infection.

You know, whenever I
get one of those,

I put a little garlic
oil in my ear.

It takes away the sting, and you
get to smell like the Pope.

I'm telling you, a little
VapoRub on a Q-tip and...

Again with the VapoRub.

It's a miracle drug!

Oh, why don't you
go to a doctor?

Our deductible is $4,000, so no.



We don't have the best
health insurance.

I get ear infections
all the time, okay?

It will go away.

I've had cavity for over a year.

I just put a little candle
wax in it to hold me over

until I win the lottery.

That's horrifying.

It's not so bad once
the nerve is dead.

You got to rub
breast milk on it.

Breast milk helps anything.

The problem is just
finding breast milk.

Why would you go looking
for breast milk

when we have VapoRub

right here in the store?



Yeah, or root beer.

A root beer fixes everything.

Gallstones, pinkeye.

It'll clean your toilet.

It's kind of the perfect food.

You need antibiotics,

not useless home remedies.

Says the guy who drinks apple
cider vinegar every morning.

No, no. That's good.

That has, um...

It's... I'm gonna
look up the article.

Okay, you can use some of mine.

- Oh...
- It's a bug repellant,

It heals cuts. My
grandma's using it

- to shrink her moles.
- Well your grandma's a moron.

Well the moles are
shrinking, Dina,

so who's the moron?

You don't mess with moles.
You see a doctor.

I recently had one removed.

Sounds like someone's
had some work done.

That's very Beverly
Hills of you.

Uh, no, Glenn, it
was a melanoma,

and we caught it early so
guess who has two thumbs

and is cancer free.
Everybody but Dale.

Enzymes...

Apple cider vinegar
has good enzymes.

We appreciate your patience.

Please state your
reason for requesting a

dermatologist.

Uh, I have a mole on my, um...

You know.

I didn't get that.

Yeah, I'm not comfortable
talking to a lady.

Is there a male robot
I could talk to?

I didn't get that.

It's on my bathing suit area.

I didn't get that.

Could I just make an appointment?
Please.

The next appointment with
a dermatologist is...

June 17, 2018.

That's six months away.

If you are finished
with your call

please press five or hang up.

Please hold for a quick survey.

Oh, okay.

Oh, hey, what sounds more
like a real charity,

The Mateo Project, or
the Liwanag League?

This is crazy.

We shouldn't have
to invent a charity

every single time an employee

needs money to see a doctor.

The Mateo Project.

Really? I think the
Liwanag League.

I mean, scrambling to
pull money together

whenever somebody gets sick?
That's...

That's inhuman.

Would love to get
people to pony up

before we get sick,
but planning ahead

just really isn't our style.

No, you were right,
Mateo Project.

Wait, no, that's actually
a really good idea.

If we all contribute a little
bit of money every month,

we could create our
own health fund.

Oh, my God.

Jonah.

That's amazing.

Right?

You just did it. You...

You solved healthcare.

- I mean...
- Okay.

So many brilliant minds
have tried before you

and they couldn't, and
then here you are...

- Okay.
- Jonah the working class

savant with a few
business school credits.

Jonah, where are you going?

Together we could
solve immigration.

Are you out of your mind?

I can't give you meds
without a prescription.

I could lose my
license, go to jail.

Okay, sorry.

Calm down.

Uh, yeah, buddy. I
can hook you up.

So, you looking to get wasted
or just a nice clean high?

Um, just... antibiotics.

A.B.'s, old school, I feel you.

The thing about pills
is they're so tiny,

they're hard to keep track of.

Sometimes I miscount.

So bad.

Okeydoke, let's see what
I can throw your way.

Lipitor, Lipitor, Lipitor.

You know, what the hell?

Does that look like Oxy
or a SweeTart to you?

I don't know.

I don't know. That's
a headscratcher.

Mm. Oh, here we go.

- Expired amoxicillin.
- Okay.

Perfect.

- Gotcha.
- Thank you.

- How much do I owe you?
- What?

Are you crazy? You don't
just hand me the money.

Behind the Just for Men.
Medium Dark Brown.

Okay.

Oh.

That was Oxy.

Hey, howdy-do.

Any room at the inn for a fella

with a PB and J minus the PB?

Sure.

We were just talking about how
my boyfriend Jerry's doing.

- Oh.
- He has a vegetal growth

on his teeth due to
the coma, and uh...

Hey, remember how before we
were talking about melanomas.

How do you know if a
mole is one of those?

Well, there's lots
of warning signs.

Is it getting bigger?

Sometimes it gets bigger.

Sometimes it gets smaller...

depending on factors.

Sounds suspicious. You
want me to take a look?

Definitely not.

Besides, I got a doctor's
appointment in six months so...

Oh, I wouldn't wait.

If it's cancer and
they catch it early,

it's just a simple surgery.

But the longer you wait,

they got to cut deeper

and deeper and deeper

till essentially
there's nothing left.

Don't eat it!

Ow.

So instead of relying
on the jar method,

we would each contribute
20 bucks a month,

and then the fund grows,

and then we pay it out...

Slow your roll.

This sounds like a
pyramid scheme.

Guys, this is not a
pyramid scheme, okay?

A pyramid scheme
needs to recruit.

This... what's... this is...

Technically, this is
recruiting, but...

Oh, I think this is
going really well.

Well I smell socialism,

and we all know
where that leads.

High literacy rates,
low infant mortality,

increased quality
of life, fjords.

Uh, no, the government
watching us on the toilet.

Hey, guys, look. I
know that this idea

seems really not
well thought out

and that it's totally naive.

That's all I wanted to say.

Thank you, Amy.

I actually think it sounds

like a really good idea.

All right.

Thank you.

You know what, I'm in too.

If it is a pyramid scheme,

at least I will be on the top

ahead of all these suckers.

That is sound logic, Marcus.

You know what, keep them coming.

Spread the word.

The more the merrier.

Sorry it's so damp.

Thank you.

Wait, so nobody thinks

that this is problematic?

_

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Uh, you told me to
stop by for my review.

Yeah, well, now's not a good
time, so come back later.

Okay.

So excited about this.

I can finally get my inhaler.

Oh.

I'm glad it all worked out.

I just couldn't put the
money together before.

I reduced my shifts
because of Jerry,

and I had to pay to put
one of my cats down.

She ate one of my other cats.

Well, I don't know
what to say to that,

but I'm glad that it all
worked out with the inhaler.

Thanks.

- Oh.
- Oh.

All right.

God, it feels good
to help, you know.

Word must be getting around.

Yeah, you're a real saint.

Hey, I'm gonna need you
to clean the men's room.

Someone dumped chili
in the urinal.

You know what I mean though?

To like actually
accomplish something,

even when the haters
are calling you naive.

- Mm-hmm.
- I wonder if this is

how Obama felt when
he passed Obamacare.

A lot of people
still hate Obama.

- Thanks for taking a look.
- Yeah, sure.

Yes.

I'm sorry, this is so awkward.

Here, this will help, I'm sure.

What... what are you doing?

I'm making you less
self-conscious.

No, you don't have to do that.

- Hey, it's my pleasure.
- No, I...

really rather you didn't.

Oh, is that a fact.

Well and I'm so hideous
you couldn't possibly

- look at my rig, is that it?
- No, I just...

You think your penis
is better than mine?

- No, I...
- Go on, look at it.

- Look at it.
- I don't want to.

Do me a kindness, Glenn,

and look at my penis.

Do it.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

Me too.

I'm excited to get my
cholesterol checked.

Last time was ten years
ago, and it was over 300.

And I have not improved my diet.

I wish we had this in
place when I fell.

I had to have all of this...
done at a vet.

Yeah, Jonah's pretty smart, huh?

Well, I mean, it wasn't
really that big of a deal.

We were just discussing
our healthcare situation,

and we came up with it.

Oh, so you helped
him think of it?

No. No, no, no, Jonah
is definitely the one

who took the ball
and ran with it.

I'm just the one who like...
I don't know...

like invented the
ball or whatever.

I know what this is.

You're going through a divorce.

Now Jonah's being
the mother bear

that you usually are.

Plus, the divorce.

- No, that's not what I...
- Guys.

Play along. She needs this.

- You did it.
- Oh, my God, thank you.

- No.
- See?

You're important too.

Oh.

- Ah, ah.
- Oh.

- I can feel it fizzing.
- Oh, yeah.

That means it's working.

Oh, that's good root beer.

- What is that?
- That's a mole.

That's what it looks like.

You've just drawn a circle
on a piece of paper.

This doesn't tell me anything.

Just let me take a
look at the mole.

Can we please just
do it this way?

Listen, I have seen literally
hundreds of penises.

Okay? There's nothing
you could possibly have

going on with your junk
that would faze me.

Okay, um...

Okay, but can we please do it

without me having
to see your vagina?

I think we can do it that way.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey.

Have you signed
Jonah's card yet?

- What card?
- A "Thank you" card

for coming up with the
idea for the health fund.

God, he's an adorable
little hero.

I signed mine from The Rock.

I like to keep it light.

So, um... just checking.

The whole health fund idea,

that was all you, right?

What?

'Cause I'm just
remembering that...

I was there, and I think I'm
the one who suggested it.

You didn't want to do it.

No, I didn't, but
it was my idea.

And just because the seed
doesn't become the plant,

doesn't mean you don't
give the seed credit

when everyone starts freaking
out about the plant.

I don't know what plant

everybody would be
freaking out about.

Oh, of course, the ghost orchid.

But I think I do know what
you're getting at here.

- You want credit.
- What? No.

No, I don't want credit.

I just want people to
know that I had the idea.

Sure. Hold on a sec.

Attention Cloud 9 employees

just to be clear,
the health fund

was actually Amy's idea.

So, if you're thanking me,

please remember to also
thank Amy as well.

She's just as responsible
for all of this as I am.

No, I... No "thank you"
s, just the truth.

Thank you. I know that that's
sort of awkward to have to ask

for credit, and I just...

you kind of put me
in that position.

Yeah, the health fund
is a total disaster.

We're in a lot of trouble.

This is absurd.

I don't want you to associate
my penis with my face.

But I can still see your face.

Well, pretend there's
another guy in here.

- Oh, God.
- He's a little fella,

and his penis is the
same height as mine.

And I'm just leaning over his
back so you still see my face,

and he doesn't say a word
because I threatened

to fire him if he made a peep.

- Okay?
- I can pretend that.

Okay.

Okay, so in the first

four hours, you've managed
to commit us to $37,000.

The claims just kept coming,

and, you know, it's like
that opening in "Star Wars"

where the words zoom past you.

And at first it's cool,

but eventually you
just can't keep up.

Wait, Sandra alone has

asthma, rheumatoid arthritis,

sciatica, fibromyalgia,
leaky gut syndrome,

this just keeps going.

We just got to keep
signing people up.

That's all, okay?

If we get everybody in
the backroom to sign up

then that will pay
for these people.

And then we can go
to other branches

and then that will pay
for the backroom...

This is a pyramid scheme.

Shh. How could it be?
I'm not benefiting.

What is this?

Sandra drew a picture
to save time.

Here she comes.

I don't see a mole.

Oh, it's on the undercarriage.

- Oh.
- No, don't touch it.

Well, how am supposed to look
underneath if I don't pick it up?

This isn't... okay,
this isn't working.

Why don't I just lift
it up with a pen?

Okay.

Wait, no, not the blue one.

I sign paychecks with that.

Fine.

What about this
broken Snoopy pencil?

Okay.

Don't use the pointy end.

It's not a shish kabob.

So you're cancelling
the health fund?

Um, no.

The fund will continue.

It will just be more of a...

Selective, sort of
case-by-case situation.

- You're kicking us out.
- No.

- No.
- No. No.

It's just, you know, our vision
was a lot more idealistic

than the realities of the world.

Guys, we are really sorry,

but we are giving you
back your premiums.

- Isaac.
- How about that?

- There you go.
- Sandra.

No.

You're trying to us.

Whoa.

You're trying to us.

Well you picked the wrong day

to with Sandra Kaluiokalani!

Oh, okay, Sandra,
just calm down.

No! I won't calm down.

We have a contract,
and I can sue.

So, figure it out!

Can I help you to
your car ma'am?

Your ability to remain
un-erect is really impressive.

Thank you.

- Well?
- Honestly, I don't know.

I think I should text a
pic of it to my derm.

- Okay.
- All right.

Hey, Glenn, I'm
here for my review.

That's... Glenn's penis.

Glenn's penis.

♪ I know you were right ♪

♪ Believing for so long ♪

♪ I'm all out of love ♪

Guys, just... just...

Okay! Listen up.

I know there are a lot
of rumors flying around

about the health fund, but we
are not kicking people out.

So we have Group A,

and also for those with slightly
more health requirements

we have Group B.

Each group is exactly the same,

and also different.

Those in Group A will
continue to pay $20 a month,

and those in Group B, based
on projected expenses,

will pay...$200 a month.

I knew it. You two are
trying to rip us off.

You're sitting up there
in your ivory towers

eating your exotic fruits

with two scoops of ice cream.

You're bathing in gold.

Nobody is doing any
of those things.

Yeah, hold up. How
come I'm in Group B?

- Y'all Group-B'ed me?
- Yes.

But not because of
the wheelchair.

Because you eat too
many Cheez-Its

- for one human stomach.
- Oh, come on.

This sucks.

You have me in Group
B with Sandra,

and she has gout.

Jesus Christ, Sandra,

how many things do you
have wrong with you?

Well, what about Marcus?

He shouldn't be in Group A.

His leg is messed up.

I've got a handle on it.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

That looks infected.

Not a chance. Every
night I soak it

in my apartment
complex's hot tub,

and chlorine will kill anything.

- What?
- Ridiculous.

Okay, guys, I know
it's not perfect...

I'm feeling a sense...

It's complicated.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold up.

So if I'm Platinum Select,

does that mean that I get the
stuff in the Gryffindor tier?

No, no, if you want things
in the Gryffindor tier,

you need to upgrade either
to the Platinum Ultra

or the Platinum Blue.

- Okay.
- I have a question.

Who gave you the
right to play God?

All I said was the fund can't
pay for a live-in nurse.

That doesn't mean I
want to let Jerry die.

Right, you're just not willing
to lift a finger to help him.

Understood loud and clear.

- Thanks Jonah.
- Okay, look, I get it

up to Diamond Plus, but when
you get down to Wall of Fire,

it's like, "What?"

Guys, we're making
it too difficult.

We just got to simplify.

Cover everything, exclude no
one, and make it affordable.

- Come on.
- Why didn't we think of that.

Okay, okay, okay.

It seems to me the problem is

that some of us are going to
use the fund more than others,

but no one wants to put in more money
than they're going to take out.

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

So my suggestion would be,

what if we restrict the fund
to those of us who are able

to complete a series of
"Ninja Warrior" type

physical challenges?

Mm, see, I was with
you for so long.

Okay, how about if you can jump
on a table then you're in.

- No, we're not doing that.
- Works for me.

There's no way you
can jump on a table.

I can absolutely
jump on a table.

No one needs to jump on a table.

I think this guy needs
to jump on a table.

Yeah, I think if you can do it,

I will totally
sleep with Marcus.

- Wait, what?
- Isaac!

Isaac! Isaac!

No, it doesn't mean
anything, Isaac.

Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!

Oh!

No, no.

Are you sure you should be

putting superglue
on an open wound?

Mm, yeah, probably.

Bodies are weird.

Ah, hey.

How about that jump, huh?

- It was good.
- Yeah.

- Real high, buddy.
- All right.

Oh, no, no.

- Oh, God.
- Shoot, I'm stuck.

Hey, dude, looks
like your lucky day.

Probably like a hundred
bucks in there.

That is amazing

that people are so generous.

Yeah, customers, employees,
everyone just pitched in.

I'm gonna buy that faux
Gucci messenger bag.

What about your ear?

Excuse you, my body, my choice.

♪ Could you be loved ♪

♪

♪ And be loved ♪

♪

♪ Now could you be loved ♪

And here's to the health
fund, a total failure.

That was a really
bad idea you had.

What was your thing again?

You were a seed?

I don't know. It made
sense at the time.

- It was like a...
- Did it?

- Yes, it made perfect sense.
- Walk me through

- that metaphor.
- The seed...

- Uh-huh.
- Then the...

- It blooms.
- It doesn't matter.

- So you were the seed...
- Who cares, it's in the past.

- Drink your beer.
- Hey.

Hey, guys, what're you doing?

Oh, you know, we're just...

hiding out until everyone
stops being pissed at us.

- Can I join you?
- Uh...

Yes, of course.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- There you are.
- Ah, thank you.

This is nice.

Mm.

- Cheers.
- Yahtzee.

Hm.

My derm's taking forever
getting back to me.

Such a power move.

Classic derm.

What if it is cancer?

The Sturgis genes
will die with me.

I never had kids.

Well, I mean, I
fostered, but you know,

none straight out of the doodle.

Well, there's still time.

Jerusha's still got
a few years left,

and there's always science.

In a few years we'll probably
all have pig organs.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh.

You're in the clear.
It's not melanoma.

Yeah.

Well, I should get back to work.

Dina.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Also...

Never forget that I have this.

I'm gonna have a baby.