Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Lost and Found - full transcript
On New Year's Day, Amy walks away with a huge wad of cash from the lost and found bin.
It's like watching a
mummy unwrap itself.
I mean, how long can
this go on for, really?
Oh, she'll... she'll get there.
Oh, nope, nope, she's going
- in the wrong direction now.
- Come on, Myrtle.
Oh, this could take a while.
Ugh, can we, like, get some
coat hooks or something?
Well, before we do that,
can we fix this drip?
Or, like, at least
get a new bucket?
Oh, I would love to fix
that, but, no, corporate
only gave us $15.00 for
break room repairs,
and we blew through
that on the bat traps.
Speaking of corporate, this
memo just came through:
"This time of year,
many of us suffer
from Seasonal
Affective Disorder.
Look out for the following
symptoms of depression..."
Pfft! Who would get
depressed here?
- "Listlessness..."
- Come on.
- "Irritability..."
- You wish.
- "General discontent..."
- No way.
- "Apathy..."
- Give me a break.
"Above all, remember
Cloud 9 cares.
This memo clears parent
company of any liability
for employee suicide."
Hmm, Cloud 9 really does care.
Well, they did send a letter.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Dina, what's up?
So are you just
planning to avoid me
until one of us quits, or...?
No, no, no, no, it's just,
you know, I've been busy.
You know, different shifts,
whatevers and etceteras.
Look, Dina, the time we
had together was special,
but, as a child of divorce...
Oh, believe me.
I have absolutely no
interest in pursuing this.
I mean, do you have any idea
the kind of men I've had?
Sky diving instructors,
hand models,
two of the original members
of Fine Young Cannibals.
- Come on.
- Okay, well, great.
So just a one time thing then.
Oh, yeah.
Just don't be weird, and
things will be fine.
Okay, I won't be weird, lady
who has multiple birds.
♪
- Sandra's up.
- All right, Sandra!
- Am I doing this right?
- Yes, but pace yourself.
Okay. I can't believe you
guys do this every year.
Well, corporate tells us to clean
out Lost and Found every January,
but they never tell us how.
We used to give it to charity,
but then Goodwill told us
not to leave our trash
on their loading dock.
Hurry up, Sandra. It's not like
you're gonna find a man in there.
Please, hold on, last year I
ended up with a broken comb.
I just need one second.
Boo! Three, two, one.
- Ah!
- And Sandra's got
an old pair of dentures, yes!
A lot of good stuff
in there this year.
Oh, hey, uh, Tate, you're
basically a doctor, right?
Even better, I'm a pharmacist.
Doctor to the doctors.
Oh, close enough, anyway I...
Do I regret not going for the big M-D?
Not usually, sometimes.
Yeah, when I'm laying in my tanning
bed alone with my thoughts...
sometimes.
Hey, anyway, um, I wanted
to ask you a question.
- Sure.
- Okay, I always thought
depression was this thing
that housewives invented
so they could take extra naps,
but you don't think that people
around here could have it, do you?
Well, there are lots
of employees here
on antidepressants.
What? Who?
Glenn, you know I
can't tell you that.
Well, how many?
About 20.
13 women, 7 men.
Now, I can't give you names,
but it's mostly the uggos.
Doesn't really narrow it down.
You know, I do volunteer work
at this children's ward,
and there's a guy who
dresses up as a clown
and goes around
cheering up the kids.
Maybe that would work?
They say laughter's
the best medicine.
The best medicine is penicillin.
At least it used to be. With
all these superbugs now,
we might all be
dead in ten years,
so I guess laughter's
as good as anything.
Okay.
All right, ticktock, come on.
I think I saw a stuffed
giraffe in here,
and Harmonica loves
giraffes, so, uh, ooh!
And it's a wig.
Ooh, I can't give this to her.
She'll think I'm slamming
her for being bald.
Ooh, oh, it's a VHS copy
of "Murder, She Wrote,"
seasons three, episodes
seven through nine.
Oh, God. Cargo shorts?
A journal. All right,
what do we got here?
A lot of boobs.
There you go girl, oh, yeah!
- Ooh.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Oh, a purse.
- Oh, look at this.
- Ooh.
You could swap.
There's a squeaker in it, too.
How cute is that?
- Ooh.
- Why?
Ahh, there it is. My
birds love these.
Okay. Wow, that actually
looks really nice.
Someone left that here?
Ooh, this kind of works on me.
Yeah, it's great, if you wanna wear
a man's jacket and look like a man.
Hey, everyone, look at that man
wearing that man's jacket.
Get used to it 'cause
you're gonna hear it a lot.
Hey, Mateo, would you like
to swap this leather jacket
for your cargo shorts?
What? No.
Are you sure? 'Cause
I don't care.
But, you know, if... if
you want, I mean, yeah.
If you're gonna be a
little bitch about it.
Thank you so much.
Okay, who's next?
♪ I'm not leaving now,
honey, not a chance ♪
♪ Hot-shot, give
me no problems ♪
♪ Much later...
Hey, Cheyenne.
How you doing?
Just a little down,
you know, some days
you get the giraffe, and
other days you get the wig.
That's so true.
But hey, what is your
favorite animal, hmm?
Ooh, a peacock.
A peacock.
Okay, that's...
that's ambitious.
I know how to do a dog, so...
Okay, dog.
No, no, you said peacock.
One peacock, coming up.
Ow!
My eye! Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, oh, no, no, I did
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Hey, Janet. What's
your favorite animal?
A clownfish...
Okay.
Riding a bicycle.
Hey, Dina, uh, I can't
work on Thursday,
but Brett said
he'd cover for me,
so could you change
the schedule?
Oh, boy, here we go. Cue
Garrett being weird.
What? No, I'm just... I can't
work on Thursday, so...
Do you even hear
yourself right now?
Wow.
No, you were supposed to cancel
dinner with your parents.
No, Adam, I can't keep
doing everything for you.
No, I'm not yelling,
I am whispering.
Okay, you know what? I can't talk about
this right now, I'm at work. Good-bye.
Amy, I have an
important question.
Might I borrow these
this weekend?
I'm attending the opera.
Um, yes, all you need
now is a T-shirt
with Bugs Bunny dressed like a
cholo, and you're ready to go.
Oh, you know what?
I think you left some
stuff in your pockets.
Yeah, here we go. Here is
your old end of a joint.
Enjoy.
Yes, I've been looking for that.
Here's your halffilled tin of dip,
didn't know you were a dipper.
Yeah, don't even talk
to me before I dip.
Fliers for sexy escorts.
Gross.
This one says,
"Carerra is gymnast."
So you might wanna keep her
at the top of the pile.
An old receipt, and,
uh, here is your...
giant wad of cash.
Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
I'm the bad boy of
my friend group.
- Silly string attack!
- No, what are you doing?
- What?
- This stuff stains.
I'm so sorry. I was just
trying to brighten your day.
Here.
I forgot it was gonna do that.
Nine hundred and six dollars.
Somewhere in St. Louis,
there's an overweight stoner
who can't pay his escort.
What are you gonna do with it?
I don't know, I mean, I guess
I'll pay some bills...
- Mm-hmm.
- And then my sister needs
a new windshield, and
my mom's crisper drawer
in her fridge is broken, so...
So sorry, I-I get that
your mother's fridge
is super exciting, but I meant
what are you gonna do for you?
I don't need anything.
No, it's not about need.
This is not about need.
This is free money. This is your
chance to get you something.
So I want you to close your eyes...
do it...
and I'm gonna ask
you a question,
and I want you to say the first
thing that pops into your mind.
Stop laughing. Take
this seriously, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry,
I just keep having this mental
image of you doing that cliché
where you get me to
magically discover the
one thing I never knew I wanted...
so dumb.
Okay, my mind's clear.
Well, now you ruined it, so you're
never gonna know what you want.
Okay, look, if I were
gonna splurge on myself,
there is this really fancy spa
that I drive by every day
on my way to work,
and I have imagined
what it would be like to, like, go
in there and be like, do it up.
Yes! You be selfish.
This is your moment.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Good, I'm glad I could help.
You didn't really do
that much, but...
Anytime.
Okay.
Huh? Come on, huh?
I guess it's starting to work.
Maybe if you go a little faster?
Yeah, I can go faster, sure.
Yeah, the fog's
definitely lifting now.
Oh, good! Good, good.
Whew! Sorry, 'cause...
I need to take a little break.
Oh, yeah, fine, just stop.
Just make it all stop.
No, no, no, no, no,
I-I'll keep going.
Here we go, okay. Ahh,
having a good time.
Stop smiling at me.
I'm not smiling at you.
Oh, grow up.
♪
Come on, I'm going faster, see?
Fast as I can.
Hey, come here and check it out.
Salt scrub, essential oils,
deep tissue rub-down.
For 900 bucks, they basically
treat you like a brisket.
For 900 bucks minus the
80 or so I may have given
to Cheyenne for diapers.
You suck at being selfish.
Look, $820.00 is plenty to
have a nice day at the spa.
And every single penny of that
money is going to this girl.
Amy found $900.00! What
should we all do with it?
In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't
have told her how much we found.
You should've just fixed
your mom's crisper.
I don't remember.
Hey! No monkey business at work.
Yeah, you have to tell
me if you're smiling.
I'm not.
Well, I bet I can cheer you up,
or I'm a monkey's uncle.
Oh, well, I guess the thing that's
really concerning me is my boss.
He's got a lot of problems.
What? That's bananas.
Yeah, uh, actually, none of
his employees respect him,
retail's dying, yet he
works at a crap store,
he tried to be a deacon at
his church like five times,
but they just don't want him.
Oh, and for the record,
that whole banana thing?
That's actually a myth.
Yeah, most monkeys live and die
without ever having seen a banana.
Their lives are short,
violent, and horrifying.
Dina?
Are you there?
Well, I would return the money
if I knew whose it was,
but there was no ID.
Although we did find weed,
dip, porn, and a receipt
for an Arizona iced tea, so we
know it's somebody with class.
Was the iced tea
raspberry or regular?
Does it matter, Sandra?
No. Sorry.
So do we all just
split the money?
Well...
Yo, I say we take this money to the
track, double it, then double it again,
double it again, then lose it.
Guys, guys, hold
on just a second.
So Amy found the money,
and Amy's always wanted
to get a massage
at this day spa.
So we're all just gonna
go get massages?
- That's...
- He's got a point though.
We should treat ourselves
to something nice.
No.
Well, since Amy grifted
me, can we at least
use some of the money
to buy coat hooks?
Oh, and some lamps because
these fluorescent lights
got people looking
like Tilda Swinton.
Ooh, and Amy, you can
finally get your bucket.
But, guys, these are...
there are all great ideas,
but, um, Amy found the money,
so maybe Amy should be able
to do with it as she pleases.
Right, and, um, what I
wanna do with it is...
Fix up the break room.
Yo, this is gonna be dope. We're
gonna get all these lamps.
- What?
- I get a new bucket.
- A bucket?
- Yeah, a new one.
Hey, look, I just
wanted to clarify about
earlier when I was
smiling, I wasn't.
I mean, I wasn't smiling at you.
See, I was pretending to smile
because Glenn is, like,
trying to make people happy,
and, like, was
doing, so I was...
Look, point is, I
wasn't being weird.
Right, okay, so you
accidentally smiled at me,
then let your neuroses build
up to the point that you
had to track me down
in the dressing rooms
to explain it away...
like a normal person.
Oh, no, I just... what...
what I was doing...
Is this your first time? Is
that what this is about?
No...
Listen, it's nothing to
be ashamed of, okay?
You're actually the third
v-card I've taken.
And don't you go falling
in love with me.
What?
Ooh, a panini press! We
could have hot sandwiches.
Uh, okay, yeah. Put
it in the cart.
What? I love hot sandwiches.
- Ask anybody.
- I just thought
that the rest of the money
was gonna go to this gal.
It is because what
makes me happy
is seeing other people be happy.
Oh, really? Great,
because I would be
so happy if I had a
psychedelic lava lamp.
Then you should have it.
Great, that's...
okay, thank you.
You know what? This is gonna look
really nice with my brand-new
framed photo of Ronald Regan.
That too.
Fantastic, do we sell
above-ground pools?
♪
Uh, hey, don't get up.
Uh, are you the one I'm
supposed to talk to about
changing the water
cooler in the pharmacy?
Nah, man.
Oh, I'd do it myself,
but not waterproof.
It's heavy though,
you wanna try it on?
Nah, I'm cool.
Don't be shy. My other
one's better, of course.
Wouldn't wear it here.
Way too expensive.
What it do, Pikachu?
Ugh.
Well, that was weird.
No, it wasn't weird.
It was completely normal.
Everything... I'm chill, man.
Okay.
Hey, excuse me, uh, my son is
taking dishes off the shelves
and smashing them on the floor.
Can you, uh, stop him?
I don't want him to think
of me as a bad guy.
Um, let me find someone
to help you with that.
Where is everybody?
♪
This is the best day of my life.
You just had a baby.
What ya doing there, buddy?
Hi.
Oh, you're... oh, okay,
uh, here, hand me one.
I got ya, I got ya.
Thanks... ooh!
This is real heavy.
You going somewhere?
Oh, you're taking the stairs. Uh,
I'm gonna take the elevator.
Mommy, look!
I know, he's taking
the elevator.
No, he's just bending his knees.
- Come on.
- Hey.
Anyone could tell that's
what he was doing.
Cranky mime.
Ooh, that's nice.
Oh, hey, Tate, can I
get a turn on that?
There's a sign-up sheet.
Oh, it looks like you've
signed yourself up
for the rest of the day.
Well, there's no
rule against it.
I'm not gonna apologize for
taking advantage of a loophole.
Makes me smart.
Tate, get your ass
out of my chair.
What? It's all of our chair.
No, actually, I bought the chair
with the money I found
because I wanted everybody
to be happy, including me.
So get out of my chair
before I pull you out by your
greasy, little hair plugs.
All right, all right, I'm
getting up, you psycho.
Thank you.
And threatening a
pharmacist, by the way?
That's a felony. Probably.
Oh, this is so nice.
I'm relaxing now.
I see that.
Guess what. I found the guy
who lost the $900.
Whoa, it looks great in here.
So I read the date
of the receipt
for the Arizona iced tea
and remembered that I had
sold it seven months ago.
Right, 'cause you have that awesome
memory where you don't forget anything.
I have highly superior
autobiographical memory,
- like Marilu Henner.
- Oh.
Anyway, I remembered
selling the same man
a pack of tube socks
back on March 29th,
so I searched the loyalty card
database and there he was.
Stuart Mitchell.
Thank you so much
for calling me.
I work with my church
counseling at-risk youth,
and this was the money
I'd gotten together
to organize a field
trip to Peru.
I'm sorry, I just think
it's a little suspicious
that you have this perfect
excuse planned out
for why you needed the money,
and it just so happens
to make you look
like a nice guy.
Yeah, if the shorts are really
yours, what else was in the pockets?
Oh, um, I think that day I'd taken
away a bit of a joint from one kid,
and some dirty pictures
from another one.
Nice.
Then why don't you explain the dip, huh?
What about the dip?
I use dip.
That checks out.
- It's a good try.
- Thank you.
Can I just say?
You guys have a really
nice break room.
- We did.
- Sure did.
I know this is a weird time,
but my birthday's on Friday,
and it's gonna be at
Dave and Buster's.
I'll just email you the details.
Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong?
Nothin', I'm cool.
Just chillin'.
So weird.
You're the weird one!
You're so weird that
nobody even can tell
how weird you really are
'cause you make weird normal!
If there was a day
that you acted normal,
now that would be weird, right?
Right? Oh, oh, okay.
I'm the crazy one?
Maybe so. I am
yelling in public,
which is not something
I normally do,
completely out of character,
possibly a little crazy!
Can I help you, Turtleneck?
You need some help?
Now, if anybody needs
me, I'll be in my car
listening to yacht rock
and eating two Take 5s
to calm myself down!
Whoo!
You know, some days
you get the giraffe,
some days you get the wig.
I'm sorry?
It's an expression.
You haven't heard that?
Okay.
I mean, I did
everything I could.
Just some people just don't
want to be cheered up.
Maybe it's just
the time of year.
Adam's sleeping in the basement.
Yeah.
I told him I wasn't happy.
I don't know what I
expected him to say,
but he said, "I'm
not happy either,"
which is definitely not
what I expected him to say.
And, so, we talked about it,
and then we yelled about it,
and then we just
stopped talking.
And now it's all weird and tense
and Emma's all upset and it's just...
it's miserable.
Amy, I am so sorry.
Do you want a balloon animal?
No, thank you.
It is kind of nice to
talk about it though.
Well, talk away.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't even know
where to start.
mummy unwrap itself.
I mean, how long can
this go on for, really?
Oh, she'll... she'll get there.
Oh, nope, nope, she's going
- in the wrong direction now.
- Come on, Myrtle.
Oh, this could take a while.
Ugh, can we, like, get some
coat hooks or something?
Well, before we do that,
can we fix this drip?
Or, like, at least
get a new bucket?
Oh, I would love to fix
that, but, no, corporate
only gave us $15.00 for
break room repairs,
and we blew through
that on the bat traps.
Speaking of corporate, this
memo just came through:
"This time of year,
many of us suffer
from Seasonal
Affective Disorder.
Look out for the following
symptoms of depression..."
Pfft! Who would get
depressed here?
- "Listlessness..."
- Come on.
- "Irritability..."
- You wish.
- "General discontent..."
- No way.
- "Apathy..."
- Give me a break.
"Above all, remember
Cloud 9 cares.
This memo clears parent
company of any liability
for employee suicide."
Hmm, Cloud 9 really does care.
Well, they did send a letter.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Dina, what's up?
So are you just
planning to avoid me
until one of us quits, or...?
No, no, no, no, it's just,
you know, I've been busy.
You know, different shifts,
whatevers and etceteras.
Look, Dina, the time we
had together was special,
but, as a child of divorce...
Oh, believe me.
I have absolutely no
interest in pursuing this.
I mean, do you have any idea
the kind of men I've had?
Sky diving instructors,
hand models,
two of the original members
of Fine Young Cannibals.
- Come on.
- Okay, well, great.
So just a one time thing then.
Oh, yeah.
Just don't be weird, and
things will be fine.
Okay, I won't be weird, lady
who has multiple birds.
♪
- Sandra's up.
- All right, Sandra!
- Am I doing this right?
- Yes, but pace yourself.
Okay. I can't believe you
guys do this every year.
Well, corporate tells us to clean
out Lost and Found every January,
but they never tell us how.
We used to give it to charity,
but then Goodwill told us
not to leave our trash
on their loading dock.
Hurry up, Sandra. It's not like
you're gonna find a man in there.
Please, hold on, last year I
ended up with a broken comb.
I just need one second.
Boo! Three, two, one.
- Ah!
- And Sandra's got
an old pair of dentures, yes!
A lot of good stuff
in there this year.
Oh, hey, uh, Tate, you're
basically a doctor, right?
Even better, I'm a pharmacist.
Doctor to the doctors.
Oh, close enough, anyway I...
Do I regret not going for the big M-D?
Not usually, sometimes.
Yeah, when I'm laying in my tanning
bed alone with my thoughts...
sometimes.
Hey, anyway, um, I wanted
to ask you a question.
- Sure.
- Okay, I always thought
depression was this thing
that housewives invented
so they could take extra naps,
but you don't think that people
around here could have it, do you?
Well, there are lots
of employees here
on antidepressants.
What? Who?
Glenn, you know I
can't tell you that.
Well, how many?
About 20.
13 women, 7 men.
Now, I can't give you names,
but it's mostly the uggos.
Doesn't really narrow it down.
You know, I do volunteer work
at this children's ward,
and there's a guy who
dresses up as a clown
and goes around
cheering up the kids.
Maybe that would work?
They say laughter's
the best medicine.
The best medicine is penicillin.
At least it used to be. With
all these superbugs now,
we might all be
dead in ten years,
so I guess laughter's
as good as anything.
Okay.
All right, ticktock, come on.
I think I saw a stuffed
giraffe in here,
and Harmonica loves
giraffes, so, uh, ooh!
And it's a wig.
Ooh, I can't give this to her.
She'll think I'm slamming
her for being bald.
Ooh, oh, it's a VHS copy
of "Murder, She Wrote,"
seasons three, episodes
seven through nine.
Oh, God. Cargo shorts?
A journal. All right,
what do we got here?
A lot of boobs.
There you go girl, oh, yeah!
- Ooh.
- Hey.
- Ooh.
- Oh, a purse.
- Oh, look at this.
- Ooh.
You could swap.
There's a squeaker in it, too.
How cute is that?
- Ooh.
- Why?
Ahh, there it is. My
birds love these.
Okay. Wow, that actually
looks really nice.
Someone left that here?
Ooh, this kind of works on me.
Yeah, it's great, if you wanna wear
a man's jacket and look like a man.
Hey, everyone, look at that man
wearing that man's jacket.
Get used to it 'cause
you're gonna hear it a lot.
Hey, Mateo, would you like
to swap this leather jacket
for your cargo shorts?
What? No.
Are you sure? 'Cause
I don't care.
But, you know, if... if
you want, I mean, yeah.
If you're gonna be a
little bitch about it.
Thank you so much.
Okay, who's next?
♪ I'm not leaving now,
honey, not a chance ♪
♪ Hot-shot, give
me no problems ♪
♪ Much later...
Hey, Cheyenne.
How you doing?
Just a little down,
you know, some days
you get the giraffe, and
other days you get the wig.
That's so true.
But hey, what is your
favorite animal, hmm?
Ooh, a peacock.
A peacock.
Okay, that's...
that's ambitious.
I know how to do a dog, so...
Okay, dog.
No, no, you said peacock.
One peacock, coming up.
Ow!
My eye! Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, oh, no, no, I did
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Hey, Janet. What's
your favorite animal?
A clownfish...
Okay.
Riding a bicycle.
Hey, Dina, uh, I can't
work on Thursday,
but Brett said
he'd cover for me,
so could you change
the schedule?
Oh, boy, here we go. Cue
Garrett being weird.
What? No, I'm just... I can't
work on Thursday, so...
Do you even hear
yourself right now?
Wow.
No, you were supposed to cancel
dinner with your parents.
No, Adam, I can't keep
doing everything for you.
No, I'm not yelling,
I am whispering.
Okay, you know what? I can't talk about
this right now, I'm at work. Good-bye.
Amy, I have an
important question.
Might I borrow these
this weekend?
I'm attending the opera.
Um, yes, all you need
now is a T-shirt
with Bugs Bunny dressed like a
cholo, and you're ready to go.
Oh, you know what?
I think you left some
stuff in your pockets.
Yeah, here we go. Here is
your old end of a joint.
Enjoy.
Yes, I've been looking for that.
Here's your halffilled tin of dip,
didn't know you were a dipper.
Yeah, don't even talk
to me before I dip.
Fliers for sexy escorts.
Gross.
This one says,
"Carerra is gymnast."
So you might wanna keep her
at the top of the pile.
An old receipt, and,
uh, here is your...
giant wad of cash.
Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
I'm the bad boy of
my friend group.
- Silly string attack!
- No, what are you doing?
- What?
- This stuff stains.
I'm so sorry. I was just
trying to brighten your day.
Here.
I forgot it was gonna do that.
Nine hundred and six dollars.
Somewhere in St. Louis,
there's an overweight stoner
who can't pay his escort.
What are you gonna do with it?
I don't know, I mean, I guess
I'll pay some bills...
- Mm-hmm.
- And then my sister needs
a new windshield, and
my mom's crisper drawer
in her fridge is broken, so...
So sorry, I-I get that
your mother's fridge
is super exciting, but I meant
what are you gonna do for you?
I don't need anything.
No, it's not about need.
This is not about need.
This is free money. This is your
chance to get you something.
So I want you to close your eyes...
do it...
and I'm gonna ask
you a question,
and I want you to say the first
thing that pops into your mind.
Stop laughing. Take
this seriously, okay?
Okay, I'm sorry,
I just keep having this mental
image of you doing that cliché
where you get me to
magically discover the
one thing I never knew I wanted...
so dumb.
Okay, my mind's clear.
Well, now you ruined it, so you're
never gonna know what you want.
Okay, look, if I were
gonna splurge on myself,
there is this really fancy spa
that I drive by every day
on my way to work,
and I have imagined
what it would be like to, like, go
in there and be like, do it up.
Yes! You be selfish.
This is your moment.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Good, I'm glad I could help.
You didn't really do
that much, but...
Anytime.
Okay.
Huh? Come on, huh?
I guess it's starting to work.
Maybe if you go a little faster?
Yeah, I can go faster, sure.
Yeah, the fog's
definitely lifting now.
Oh, good! Good, good.
Whew! Sorry, 'cause...
I need to take a little break.
Oh, yeah, fine, just stop.
Just make it all stop.
No, no, no, no, no,
I-I'll keep going.
Here we go, okay. Ahh,
having a good time.
Stop smiling at me.
I'm not smiling at you.
Oh, grow up.
♪
Come on, I'm going faster, see?
Fast as I can.
Hey, come here and check it out.
Salt scrub, essential oils,
deep tissue rub-down.
For 900 bucks, they basically
treat you like a brisket.
For 900 bucks minus the
80 or so I may have given
to Cheyenne for diapers.
You suck at being selfish.
Look, $820.00 is plenty to
have a nice day at the spa.
And every single penny of that
money is going to this girl.
Amy found $900.00! What
should we all do with it?
In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't
have told her how much we found.
You should've just fixed
your mom's crisper.
I don't remember.
Hey! No monkey business at work.
Yeah, you have to tell
me if you're smiling.
I'm not.
Well, I bet I can cheer you up,
or I'm a monkey's uncle.
Oh, well, I guess the thing that's
really concerning me is my boss.
He's got a lot of problems.
What? That's bananas.
Yeah, uh, actually, none of
his employees respect him,
retail's dying, yet he
works at a crap store,
he tried to be a deacon at
his church like five times,
but they just don't want him.
Oh, and for the record,
that whole banana thing?
That's actually a myth.
Yeah, most monkeys live and die
without ever having seen a banana.
Their lives are short,
violent, and horrifying.
Dina?
Are you there?
Well, I would return the money
if I knew whose it was,
but there was no ID.
Although we did find weed,
dip, porn, and a receipt
for an Arizona iced tea, so we
know it's somebody with class.
Was the iced tea
raspberry or regular?
Does it matter, Sandra?
No. Sorry.
So do we all just
split the money?
Well...
Yo, I say we take this money to the
track, double it, then double it again,
double it again, then lose it.
Guys, guys, hold
on just a second.
So Amy found the money,
and Amy's always wanted
to get a massage
at this day spa.
So we're all just gonna
go get massages?
- That's...
- He's got a point though.
We should treat ourselves
to something nice.
No.
Well, since Amy grifted
me, can we at least
use some of the money
to buy coat hooks?
Oh, and some lamps because
these fluorescent lights
got people looking
like Tilda Swinton.
Ooh, and Amy, you can
finally get your bucket.
But, guys, these are...
there are all great ideas,
but, um, Amy found the money,
so maybe Amy should be able
to do with it as she pleases.
Right, and, um, what I
wanna do with it is...
Fix up the break room.
Yo, this is gonna be dope. We're
gonna get all these lamps.
- What?
- I get a new bucket.
- A bucket?
- Yeah, a new one.
Hey, look, I just
wanted to clarify about
earlier when I was
smiling, I wasn't.
I mean, I wasn't smiling at you.
See, I was pretending to smile
because Glenn is, like,
trying to make people happy,
and, like, was
doing, so I was...
Look, point is, I
wasn't being weird.
Right, okay, so you
accidentally smiled at me,
then let your neuroses build
up to the point that you
had to track me down
in the dressing rooms
to explain it away...
like a normal person.
Oh, no, I just... what...
what I was doing...
Is this your first time? Is
that what this is about?
No...
Listen, it's nothing to
be ashamed of, okay?
You're actually the third
v-card I've taken.
And don't you go falling
in love with me.
What?
Ooh, a panini press! We
could have hot sandwiches.
Uh, okay, yeah. Put
it in the cart.
What? I love hot sandwiches.
- Ask anybody.
- I just thought
that the rest of the money
was gonna go to this gal.
It is because what
makes me happy
is seeing other people be happy.
Oh, really? Great,
because I would be
so happy if I had a
psychedelic lava lamp.
Then you should have it.
Great, that's...
okay, thank you.
You know what? This is gonna look
really nice with my brand-new
framed photo of Ronald Regan.
That too.
Fantastic, do we sell
above-ground pools?
♪
Uh, hey, don't get up.
Uh, are you the one I'm
supposed to talk to about
changing the water
cooler in the pharmacy?
Nah, man.
Oh, I'd do it myself,
but not waterproof.
It's heavy though,
you wanna try it on?
Nah, I'm cool.
Don't be shy. My other
one's better, of course.
Wouldn't wear it here.
Way too expensive.
What it do, Pikachu?
Ugh.
Well, that was weird.
No, it wasn't weird.
It was completely normal.
Everything... I'm chill, man.
Okay.
Hey, excuse me, uh, my son is
taking dishes off the shelves
and smashing them on the floor.
Can you, uh, stop him?
I don't want him to think
of me as a bad guy.
Um, let me find someone
to help you with that.
Where is everybody?
♪
This is the best day of my life.
You just had a baby.
What ya doing there, buddy?
Hi.
Oh, you're... oh, okay,
uh, here, hand me one.
I got ya, I got ya.
Thanks... ooh!
This is real heavy.
You going somewhere?
Oh, you're taking the stairs. Uh,
I'm gonna take the elevator.
Mommy, look!
I know, he's taking
the elevator.
No, he's just bending his knees.
- Come on.
- Hey.
Anyone could tell that's
what he was doing.
Cranky mime.
Ooh, that's nice.
Oh, hey, Tate, can I
get a turn on that?
There's a sign-up sheet.
Oh, it looks like you've
signed yourself up
for the rest of the day.
Well, there's no
rule against it.
I'm not gonna apologize for
taking advantage of a loophole.
Makes me smart.
Tate, get your ass
out of my chair.
What? It's all of our chair.
No, actually, I bought the chair
with the money I found
because I wanted everybody
to be happy, including me.
So get out of my chair
before I pull you out by your
greasy, little hair plugs.
All right, all right, I'm
getting up, you psycho.
Thank you.
And threatening a
pharmacist, by the way?
That's a felony. Probably.
Oh, this is so nice.
I'm relaxing now.
I see that.
Guess what. I found the guy
who lost the $900.
Whoa, it looks great in here.
So I read the date
of the receipt
for the Arizona iced tea
and remembered that I had
sold it seven months ago.
Right, 'cause you have that awesome
memory where you don't forget anything.
I have highly superior
autobiographical memory,
- like Marilu Henner.
- Oh.
Anyway, I remembered
selling the same man
a pack of tube socks
back on March 29th,
so I searched the loyalty card
database and there he was.
Stuart Mitchell.
Thank you so much
for calling me.
I work with my church
counseling at-risk youth,
and this was the money
I'd gotten together
to organize a field
trip to Peru.
I'm sorry, I just think
it's a little suspicious
that you have this perfect
excuse planned out
for why you needed the money,
and it just so happens
to make you look
like a nice guy.
Yeah, if the shorts are really
yours, what else was in the pockets?
Oh, um, I think that day I'd taken
away a bit of a joint from one kid,
and some dirty pictures
from another one.
Nice.
Then why don't you explain the dip, huh?
What about the dip?
I use dip.
That checks out.
- It's a good try.
- Thank you.
Can I just say?
You guys have a really
nice break room.
- We did.
- Sure did.
I know this is a weird time,
but my birthday's on Friday,
and it's gonna be at
Dave and Buster's.
I'll just email you the details.
Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong?
Nothin', I'm cool.
Just chillin'.
So weird.
You're the weird one!
You're so weird that
nobody even can tell
how weird you really are
'cause you make weird normal!
If there was a day
that you acted normal,
now that would be weird, right?
Right? Oh, oh, okay.
I'm the crazy one?
Maybe so. I am
yelling in public,
which is not something
I normally do,
completely out of character,
possibly a little crazy!
Can I help you, Turtleneck?
You need some help?
Now, if anybody needs
me, I'll be in my car
listening to yacht rock
and eating two Take 5s
to calm myself down!
Whoo!
You know, some days
you get the giraffe,
some days you get the wig.
I'm sorry?
It's an expression.
You haven't heard that?
Okay.
I mean, I did
everything I could.
Just some people just don't
want to be cheered up.
Maybe it's just
the time of year.
Adam's sleeping in the basement.
Yeah.
I told him I wasn't happy.
I don't know what I
expected him to say,
but he said, "I'm
not happy either,"
which is definitely not
what I expected him to say.
And, so, we talked about it,
and then we yelled about it,
and then we just
stopped talking.
And now it's all weird and tense
and Emma's all upset and it's just...
it's miserable.
Amy, I am so sorry.
Do you want a balloon animal?
No, thank you.
It is kind of nice to
talk about it though.
Well, talk away.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't even know
where to start.