Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Black Friday - full transcript
The staff comes down with food poisoning; Jonah documents the day with home video; Glenn's disposition changes; Mateo and Cheyenne discover a lucrative Black Friday side business.
♪
I hate Black Friday.
_
♪
♪
Here we go.
This is the Super
Bowl of retail.
There's a buzz in the air,
a charge that probably
doesn't read on camera.
Uh, but over here we have
the pre-opening potluck.
Every employee brings a dish,
much in the spirit of sharing.
Isn't that a delightful
tradition, Amy?
Yeah, I love waking
up at 3:00 a.m.
to eat Sandra's cold
spinach casserole.
- It's meant to be served cold.
- Sorry.
Okay, Garrett,
any advice for my
first Black Friday?
Get that camera out my face.
All right, not a morning person.
Cheyenne, how about you?
How're you feeling?
I'm okay.
I think I hit something
with my car,
but I was too tired to check.
Well, that's alarming.
Okay, attention, everyone.
Black Friday is the most
important day of the year.
And the key to
getting through it
is to stay calm.
No matter what happens,
I am gonna stay Obama cool.
Okay, Chris, we all know
how you feel about Obama.
You can stay George W.
Bush cool.
Remember how calm
he was on 9/11?
Well, not that this
is gonna be 9/11.
This is gonna be
better than 9/11.
No, why do I keep saying 9/11?
What's 9/11?
You didn't hear?
All right, everybody, focus up.
Today, you need to
prepare for the worst.
If you find yourself in a
jam, remember the word ACT:
Assess, Communicate,
Take Action.
Assess the situation.
Communicate.
Take action.
I don't really need
to explain it.
- Amy?
- Thank you, Deen.
All right, I want a minimum of
five employees in each zone,
eight in Electronics,
obviously in rolling,
two-person pigeon teams.
All RMDs need to
have the right CPOs.
We'll assimilate any dead stock
for TKTs at the end of the day.
Got it? ALL: Got it.
Jonah, can you please be in
charge of tracking the UPTs
and logging them in the T7?
Yes, I certainly can.
I just made that up. You're
on spills and trash.
- Cool.
- Okay, break.
♪ Hold up, this the
game, it chose us ♪
♪ Pioneer started on my
corner like the cold crush ♪
You can do this.
You can do this.
♪ Like a gold rush ♪
♪ The sayin', "Live fast
and die young... ♪"
Black Friday? What?
Not afraid of you.
♪ Perfect way that showed us ♪
♪ Showed me how to
burn the block down ♪
♪ Before it slows up ♪
♪ Before the window of
opportunity close up ♪
Please, everybody keep
back and in line.
It's a fire hazard.
Also, if anyone finds a green
hair thingy, it's mine.
I dropped it on the way in.
- Green hair thingy.
- Super cute.
Hey, any way you
guys could set aside
one of those 60-inch
flat-screens for me?
Um, do you see this?
It's called a line.
So no, I can't.
I'll give you 40 bucks.
It wouldn't be fair.
Each.
Oh...
Hey, Tate, how's it going?
- It's going fantastic.
- Great.
Nobody gets their
prescriptions filled
on Black Friday, so I
got all the time I want
to work on my screenplay.
- Oh.
- It's about a pharmacist,
obviously, who invents a pill
that allows you to use
all of your brain.
Oh, like "Limitless."
Not like "Limitless"! All right.
Why do people keep saying
it's like "Limitless"?
It's inspired by "Limitless."
Okay, uh, quick question.
Um, I'm trying to
stay relaxed today,
so Jerusha gave me these pills
that she got after
her train accident.
I just want to make sure
I won't get hooked.
Alprazolam,
Good, good times.
Yeah, it's a low dose.
You should be okay.
Oh, okay.
Have you had anything
to drink today?
Uh, just three mugs of juice.
I think you'll be fine.
Okay.
No, I lied. It was seven mugs.
I just didn't want
you to judge me.
That's too much juice, Glenn.
Pretend I'm not here.
Why pretend when you could
really just not be here?
You know, everybody
here is so jaded.
This is exciting! This is fun.
This is, like, the
closest our country has
to the running with the
bulls in Pamplona.
- Ugh.
- Okay, I'll shut up, sorry.
Wow, I just got really
nauseous all of a sudden.
Nauseated.
I'm so sorry. That's,
like, a reflex a mine.
I'm working on it.
It's weird. I never get sick.
It's like when...
Finish this.
Okay.
Mm-hmm...
mm-hmm.
No, I don't know for sure.
I'm just saying that I might be.
Yes, we did, in the photo
lab at work, remember?
Who cares who
initiated it, Adam?
Wow.
All right, everybody, get ready.
Store is set to open
in exactly one minute.
60, 59...
You don't have to say
all the numbers.
60, 61...
yeah, that's right.
I'm going up now.
Okay, uh, one last thought
before we open
that if you apply...
Whoa, whoa.
Yes, you can get pregnant
from that angle.
You can get pregnant
from any angle.
What?
No, I can't... I can't hear you.
Ow!
If I could just get
everybody describing
what Black Friday means to them,
that would be gr...
Hey, that's a new camera.
Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.
Apparently Black
Friday has begun.
From all of us here at Cloud 9,
have a great Purge.
♪
Okay, well, we're, uh,
only five minutes in,
and already the, uh,
beer tower display
got knocked over onto Miles,
so he's gone, and aisle 12 is
covered with blood and glass.
But, uh, it's all...
it's all good, boo.
I'm keeping it 100.
- That's not what that means.
- No?
Um, Glenn, I'm feeling
a little bit sick.
No, Amy, do not fall
apart on me, okay?
You just need to stay calm.
- I need to go.
- What?
Attention, shoppers.
Cloud 9 brand tablets
are half off.
The Halo Fog has an HD display
and boasts a battery life
of about 45 minutes.
Hey, I need you to
work the register
while Tim's in the bathroom.
Nah, I don't do registers.
Look, I know that it's
really the hip thing
for you millennials
to not give a crap...
That's not true, and
we're the same age,
but please, go on.
It's all hands on deck,
so quit your Myspacing
and get on the register.
That's an order.
All right.
Let me just finish
this announcement.
Fine, but the
second you're done,
I want you on register three.
The second I'm done.
You can also view
thousands of movies
on the Halo Fog.
I will now list
some of the movies
that are probably on there.
"Mrs. Doubtfire,"
"Silence of the Lambs,"
that one where Nicolas
Cage switches faces
and says he's gonna eat
a peach for hours...
ooh, "Forrest Gump."
That's a good movie.
Excuse me, do you have any more of
these espresso makers in the back?
I think so, yeah.
Okay, could you get me one?
It's all the way in the back.
Yeah, a lot of people
need stuff right now.
How do we decide
who to help first?
Is it you? Is it them?
You, them?
You?
Ew, no.
I want a bribe.
Oh, God.
- Hey, Tate.
- What?
Um, do you have any extra
pregnancy tests back here?
Of course. Why do you need them?
Oh.
Mm-mm-mm!
Someone's a dirty bird.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Oh, no, I mean, I wouldn't call
myself a filmmaker, like, capital F.
Oh, is this for you?
We'll see how it all cuts
together in the end.
Extra dirty for a
naughty little girl.
Okay, you pervert, just
give me the pregnancy test!
No, this wasn't...
Oh, II was just...
- I had to keep...
- I didn't...
Sucks we lost the Rams, huh?
Oh, I'm looking for
a little girl.
She has a big bow in her hair.
She's carrying a
Baby Fashion Girl.
Okay, relax, we're
gonna find her.
The important thing to do,
though, is stay calm.
And see? There she
is, doing fine.
It's all good.
Thank God.
Trevor, we got a
Baby Fashion Girl!
And then Jenny dies
of what is implied to be AIDS.
But we don't know.
And he puts Haley
Joel Osment on a bus,
and guess what?
Same bus driver
from the beginning.
What are you still doing here?
You're supposed to
be on the register.
You said I could finish
the announcement.
Yeah, that was ten minutes ago.
It's a very long announcement.
Next up, "Apollo 13."
I see what you're doing here.
In this film, Tom
Hanks is a spaceman
whose life is saved
by a bunch of nerds.
Were you just waiting for me?
N-no, I didn't even
know you were...
I was just checking
out the fliers here.
Sal's looking for a
roommate, so that's, uh...
It's negative.
I am not pregnant.
Oh, I'm so sorry...
or happy for you.
I don't... whatever
applies to your... you.
Well, it's complicated,
'cause, you know, at first
I was really panicked,
and, I don't know, I started
having other feelings...
- Oh, God, - And I'm
just trying to...
Okay, dick, sorry
I'm boring you.
No, no, it's not...
I... I just suddenly...
Out of my way, Rodriguez.
Oh.
Okay, everyone,
here's the sitch:
It appears that
everyone in the store
got very ill from
food poisoning,
probably from our potluck.
Oh well, sacré bleu.
You know, stuff happens.
As you can see,
though, I am, uh...
I am staying very calm.
I took a pill.
I don't think it did
anything, though.
Oh, I like this store.
I just wanna go home.
I can't do this.
I'm one of those people
who hates being sick.
Hot take, Mateo.
All right, we've
lost half our staff.
We are what's left.
Sandra, you're off of go-backs.
I need you to
cross-check Housewares.
Heather and Brett,
you guys are on opposite
puking cycles, right?
So you can switch off.
And, um, Myrtle, I'm gonna
need you to start folding,
like, 1,000 times faster.
You got it. Full steam ahead!
And then there's the
one where Tom Hanks
is in the airport
the whole time.
Honestly, I checked
out on that one.
Anybody see "Sully"?
I didn't.
Ugh, I don't feel so hot.
I got to take a break, y'all.
Oh.
If you're done with
the announcement,
register three could use a hand.
See? I don't give up.
Neither do I.
Don't forget about
"Polar Express."
Merry Christmas, kids.
It's a nightmare.
Excuse me.
Amy, uh, I need your key
to the razor case.
Yeah, okay, just give me a sec.
I'm in... Bedding.
Roger.
Amy?
Jonah?
Hey.
Yeah, the line in the ladies'
room was really long, so...
Got it. No, no, no.
Please, uh, make your...
self at home.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, you know why they
call it Black Friday?
We really don't have
to make conversation.
Okay, okay, cool.
- We can just...
- Yep.
- Be quiet.
- Okay.
That's fine.
Total silence.
And then the volleyball
floats away.
And weirdly, you're
sad about it.
At least I was.
Oh.
I feel like my insides are
crawling through my skin.
Can I have a sip of that?
Sure.
20 bucks.
For a sip of Pepto?
I'll just go buy my own.
You know, I think someone
already bought them all.
Hm. Well, well, well.
Who's all grown up?
It's called war profiteering.
I learned about it
in Social Studies.
I'm relieved, by the way,
about not being pregnant.
- Oh.
- You were asking earlier, so...
Oh, oh, uh, good.
Yeah, no, I... I
don't blame you.
That's... one child is...
is enough.
I've always thought I
wanted, like, two or three.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I think
maybe I still do,
just not with...
with, you know, everything
that's going on in
the world, and...
Yeah, it's, uh...
it's complicated times.
So complicated.
I-I don't mean to rush you,
but you see yourself
being done anytime soon?
No, I'm waiting for
you to be done.
Well, that's unfortunate,
because I was waiting
for you, so...
God.
"Da Vinci Code," too long.
"Bridge of Spies," too boring.
I can't do this anymore.
E-readers are half price.
Garrett out.
Stop it!
This is the dark night
of our souls...
a portrait of hopelessness.
A...
Wow, we've lost Brett.
Okay, guys, I know
we're bare bones,
but we can still make this work.
If Sandra could triple-cover
Camping, Menswear,
and Softlines... Sandra,
you can do that, right?
I guess if my knees were normal,
but three different
doctors said...
Oh, so we're all back here, huh?
We're just taking
a little break.
We'll get out there in a sec.
- It's fine.
- Are you not feeling sick?
Oh, no, I feel terrible.
Worst I've ever felt.
Hey, if we're all back here,
who's watching the floor?
Whoa. Hold on, man.
Hold on, man. Wait. You
got to stand in line.
Form an orderly line.
Hey, one TV per family.
Listen, lady, I'm putting your
face in my memory palace.
Eyes too far apart,
stringy hair.
Ethnic nose.
This isn't over!
Oh, it's over.
Oh, and then we just need
Herman to cover everything.
Herman hasn't worked
here in six months.
Fine, then, you know what?
I don't know how
to make this work.
If it makes you feel any better,
this is probably all your fault.
That stuffing you made
tasted like burnt hair.
My stuffing is not
what made us sick.
If anything, it was probably
Dina's weird tofu turkey thing.
You know what's weird?
Eating the flesh off
of a bird's bones,
you savage.
Why are you so weird?
Why is everyone being
so mean to each other?
Guys...
- Okay, Amy, now is not...
- Guys!
This is what Black Friday wants!
That is a family recipe
with a secret ingredient.
But this is not what Black
Friday is gonna get!
Oh, cinnamon? Boring.
And we are gonna overcome this,
- because there is abso...
- Jonah?
Could you please shut the up?
And that goes for all of you.
I can't listen to your
For one more damn second.
Did something just happen?
I think I blacked out there.
I have a terrible
headache, Mateo.
Can you please barf quieter?
Ugh, could you be
a bitch quieter?
Okay, I called Corporate
to ask for help,
and turns out they're
closed today
'cause it's a holiday.
So what do we do?
I say we bail.
Okay.
Wait, what? Really?
Yeah, even if everyone
in here felt great,
we still don't have enough
people to cover the floor.
So we just abandon the store?
Black Friday broke us.
All right, I'm calling it.
Time of death, 11:13 p.m.
Just let it all burn.
Wait, we're just gonna leave?
It was your idea to bail.
Yeah, I suggest
that every Friday.
Even you, Dina? You said
you'd never give up.
I also said I'd never vomit
on a toddler's head.
Lot of firsts today.
Hold up. Wait.
Yo, I don't like working here.
Okay.
But it's my job.
I do the bare minimum,
but I don't do less than that.
And I'm not about to let a
bunch of deal-hungry rubes
trash our store and make
me feel bad for Dina,
which I did not
think was possible.
So I'ma get out there, and
I'ma finish my shift.
And yeah, I'ma cut corners,
and I'ma phone it in,
but it'll never be said
that Garrett McNeill
did not do just enough
to not get fired.
♪
Move it!
♪
♪ So you come a long way ♪
Open.
♪ Ooh-ooh, but you'll
never have me ♪
♪ Never have things ♪
♪ For a normal life ♪
♪ It's time to busy earnin ♪'
♪ You can't get enough ♪
Aisle seven. 30 days.
Home and Garden.
Dairy factory-farmed.
We don't sell wigs anymore.
That's not your color.
♪
♪ You can't get enough ♪
Heather, reconfigure the LPOs,
and then move 'em to the PRC.
♪
- Boom.
- ♪ This busy earnin ♪'
Henry, get all the UPTs
out of the green zone.
If you run into a jam,
radio a 62V for a DPR, got it?
All right, break!
- Wow.
- Yeah.
That was impressive.
Didn't know I had it in me.
I mean, none of it
meant anything,
but the confidence is inspiring.
♪
Have a heavenly day.
Next!
Attention, shoppers, the
store is now closed.
Not, like, "Bring your items
to the front" closed.
I mean, like, "Get
the hell out."
Thank you.
Oh, also, if anyone happens to
find a little green hair thing,
it's mine.
Thank you so much for
shopping at Cloud 9.
Oh, sir, you accidentally drove
over my daughter's doll!
Not accidentally.
♪ You can't get enough ♪
♪
I hate Black Friday.
I can't move.
Me neither.
Hey, Myrtle.
Myrtle!
Could somebody poke Myrtle and
see if she's still alive?
Does it really matter?
I guess not.
Oof. TGIF, right, guys?
Hey, where's Amy?
Hi, it's me.
Sorry I haven't called all day.
It's been a frickin' zoo here.
Um, I took the test,
and don't worry.
I'm not happy.
I mean... pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
Or... maybe I'm not happy.
I... I don't know.
Um...
Adam, we should talk.
Look who works
register after all.
Dina, I can't.
Whatever issue you have with me
can wait till tomorrow, so...
♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪
♪ And you will find it ♪
♪ Time after time ♪
♪ If you fall, I
will catch you ♪
♪ I will be waiting ♪
Kind of wish I hadn't spent
the whole day puking.
Yeah, me too.
Find every breath mint
left in the store,
and meet me in the photo lab.
Ten minutes, or I
start without you.
A lot of firsts today.
♪
I hate Black Friday.
_
♪
♪
Here we go.
This is the Super
Bowl of retail.
There's a buzz in the air,
a charge that probably
doesn't read on camera.
Uh, but over here we have
the pre-opening potluck.
Every employee brings a dish,
much in the spirit of sharing.
Isn't that a delightful
tradition, Amy?
Yeah, I love waking
up at 3:00 a.m.
to eat Sandra's cold
spinach casserole.
- It's meant to be served cold.
- Sorry.
Okay, Garrett,
any advice for my
first Black Friday?
Get that camera out my face.
All right, not a morning person.
Cheyenne, how about you?
How're you feeling?
I'm okay.
I think I hit something
with my car,
but I was too tired to check.
Well, that's alarming.
Okay, attention, everyone.
Black Friday is the most
important day of the year.
And the key to
getting through it
is to stay calm.
No matter what happens,
I am gonna stay Obama cool.
Okay, Chris, we all know
how you feel about Obama.
You can stay George W.
Bush cool.
Remember how calm
he was on 9/11?
Well, not that this
is gonna be 9/11.
This is gonna be
better than 9/11.
No, why do I keep saying 9/11?
What's 9/11?
You didn't hear?
All right, everybody, focus up.
Today, you need to
prepare for the worst.
If you find yourself in a
jam, remember the word ACT:
Assess, Communicate,
Take Action.
Assess the situation.
Communicate.
Take action.
I don't really need
to explain it.
- Amy?
- Thank you, Deen.
All right, I want a minimum of
five employees in each zone,
eight in Electronics,
obviously in rolling,
two-person pigeon teams.
All RMDs need to
have the right CPOs.
We'll assimilate any dead stock
for TKTs at the end of the day.
Got it? ALL: Got it.
Jonah, can you please be in
charge of tracking the UPTs
and logging them in the T7?
Yes, I certainly can.
I just made that up. You're
on spills and trash.
- Cool.
- Okay, break.
♪ Hold up, this the
game, it chose us ♪
♪ Pioneer started on my
corner like the cold crush ♪
You can do this.
You can do this.
♪ Like a gold rush ♪
♪ The sayin', "Live fast
and die young... ♪"
Black Friday? What?
Not afraid of you.
♪ Perfect way that showed us ♪
♪ Showed me how to
burn the block down ♪
♪ Before it slows up ♪
♪ Before the window of
opportunity close up ♪
Please, everybody keep
back and in line.
It's a fire hazard.
Also, if anyone finds a green
hair thingy, it's mine.
I dropped it on the way in.
- Green hair thingy.
- Super cute.
Hey, any way you
guys could set aside
one of those 60-inch
flat-screens for me?
Um, do you see this?
It's called a line.
So no, I can't.
I'll give you 40 bucks.
It wouldn't be fair.
Each.
Oh...
Hey, Tate, how's it going?
- It's going fantastic.
- Great.
Nobody gets their
prescriptions filled
on Black Friday, so I
got all the time I want
to work on my screenplay.
- Oh.
- It's about a pharmacist,
obviously, who invents a pill
that allows you to use
all of your brain.
Oh, like "Limitless."
Not like "Limitless"! All right.
Why do people keep saying
it's like "Limitless"?
It's inspired by "Limitless."
Okay, uh, quick question.
Um, I'm trying to
stay relaxed today,
so Jerusha gave me these pills
that she got after
her train accident.
I just want to make sure
I won't get hooked.
Alprazolam,
Good, good times.
Yeah, it's a low dose.
You should be okay.
Oh, okay.
Have you had anything
to drink today?
Uh, just three mugs of juice.
I think you'll be fine.
Okay.
No, I lied. It was seven mugs.
I just didn't want
you to judge me.
That's too much juice, Glenn.
Pretend I'm not here.
Why pretend when you could
really just not be here?
You know, everybody
here is so jaded.
This is exciting! This is fun.
This is, like, the
closest our country has
to the running with the
bulls in Pamplona.
- Ugh.
- Okay, I'll shut up, sorry.
Wow, I just got really
nauseous all of a sudden.
Nauseated.
I'm so sorry. That's,
like, a reflex a mine.
I'm working on it.
It's weird. I never get sick.
It's like when...
Finish this.
Okay.
Mm-hmm...
mm-hmm.
No, I don't know for sure.
I'm just saying that I might be.
Yes, we did, in the photo
lab at work, remember?
Who cares who
initiated it, Adam?
Wow.
All right, everybody, get ready.
Store is set to open
in exactly one minute.
60, 59...
You don't have to say
all the numbers.
60, 61...
yeah, that's right.
I'm going up now.
Okay, uh, one last thought
before we open
that if you apply...
Whoa, whoa.
Yes, you can get pregnant
from that angle.
You can get pregnant
from any angle.
What?
No, I can't... I can't hear you.
Ow!
If I could just get
everybody describing
what Black Friday means to them,
that would be gr...
Hey, that's a new camera.
Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.
Apparently Black
Friday has begun.
From all of us here at Cloud 9,
have a great Purge.
♪
Okay, well, we're, uh,
only five minutes in,
and already the, uh,
beer tower display
got knocked over onto Miles,
so he's gone, and aisle 12 is
covered with blood and glass.
But, uh, it's all...
it's all good, boo.
I'm keeping it 100.
- That's not what that means.
- No?
Um, Glenn, I'm feeling
a little bit sick.
No, Amy, do not fall
apart on me, okay?
You just need to stay calm.
- I need to go.
- What?
Attention, shoppers.
Cloud 9 brand tablets
are half off.
The Halo Fog has an HD display
and boasts a battery life
of about 45 minutes.
Hey, I need you to
work the register
while Tim's in the bathroom.
Nah, I don't do registers.
Look, I know that it's
really the hip thing
for you millennials
to not give a crap...
That's not true, and
we're the same age,
but please, go on.
It's all hands on deck,
so quit your Myspacing
and get on the register.
That's an order.
All right.
Let me just finish
this announcement.
Fine, but the
second you're done,
I want you on register three.
The second I'm done.
You can also view
thousands of movies
on the Halo Fog.
I will now list
some of the movies
that are probably on there.
"Mrs. Doubtfire,"
"Silence of the Lambs,"
that one where Nicolas
Cage switches faces
and says he's gonna eat
a peach for hours...
ooh, "Forrest Gump."
That's a good movie.
Excuse me, do you have any more of
these espresso makers in the back?
I think so, yeah.
Okay, could you get me one?
It's all the way in the back.
Yeah, a lot of people
need stuff right now.
How do we decide
who to help first?
Is it you? Is it them?
You, them?
You?
Ew, no.
I want a bribe.
Oh, God.
- Hey, Tate.
- What?
Um, do you have any extra
pregnancy tests back here?
Of course. Why do you need them?
Oh.
Mm-mm-mm!
Someone's a dirty bird.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Oh, no, I mean, I wouldn't call
myself a filmmaker, like, capital F.
Oh, is this for you?
We'll see how it all cuts
together in the end.
Extra dirty for a
naughty little girl.
Okay, you pervert, just
give me the pregnancy test!
No, this wasn't...
Oh, II was just...
- I had to keep...
- I didn't...
Sucks we lost the Rams, huh?
Oh, I'm looking for
a little girl.
She has a big bow in her hair.
She's carrying a
Baby Fashion Girl.
Okay, relax, we're
gonna find her.
The important thing to do,
though, is stay calm.
And see? There she
is, doing fine.
It's all good.
Thank God.
Trevor, we got a
Baby Fashion Girl!
And then Jenny dies
of what is implied to be AIDS.
But we don't know.
And he puts Haley
Joel Osment on a bus,
and guess what?
Same bus driver
from the beginning.
What are you still doing here?
You're supposed to
be on the register.
You said I could finish
the announcement.
Yeah, that was ten minutes ago.
It's a very long announcement.
Next up, "Apollo 13."
I see what you're doing here.
In this film, Tom
Hanks is a spaceman
whose life is saved
by a bunch of nerds.
Were you just waiting for me?
N-no, I didn't even
know you were...
I was just checking
out the fliers here.
Sal's looking for a
roommate, so that's, uh...
It's negative.
I am not pregnant.
Oh, I'm so sorry...
or happy for you.
I don't... whatever
applies to your... you.
Well, it's complicated,
'cause, you know, at first
I was really panicked,
and, I don't know, I started
having other feelings...
- Oh, God, - And I'm
just trying to...
Okay, dick, sorry
I'm boring you.
No, no, it's not...
I... I just suddenly...
Out of my way, Rodriguez.
Oh.
Okay, everyone,
here's the sitch:
It appears that
everyone in the store
got very ill from
food poisoning,
probably from our potluck.
Oh well, sacré bleu.
You know, stuff happens.
As you can see,
though, I am, uh...
I am staying very calm.
I took a pill.
I don't think it did
anything, though.
Oh, I like this store.
I just wanna go home.
I can't do this.
I'm one of those people
who hates being sick.
Hot take, Mateo.
All right, we've
lost half our staff.
We are what's left.
Sandra, you're off of go-backs.
I need you to
cross-check Housewares.
Heather and Brett,
you guys are on opposite
puking cycles, right?
So you can switch off.
And, um, Myrtle, I'm gonna
need you to start folding,
like, 1,000 times faster.
You got it. Full steam ahead!
And then there's the
one where Tom Hanks
is in the airport
the whole time.
Honestly, I checked
out on that one.
Anybody see "Sully"?
I didn't.
Ugh, I don't feel so hot.
I got to take a break, y'all.
Oh.
If you're done with
the announcement,
register three could use a hand.
See? I don't give up.
Neither do I.
Don't forget about
"Polar Express."
Merry Christmas, kids.
It's a nightmare.
Excuse me.
Amy, uh, I need your key
to the razor case.
Yeah, okay, just give me a sec.
I'm in... Bedding.
Roger.
Amy?
Jonah?
Hey.
Yeah, the line in the ladies'
room was really long, so...
Got it. No, no, no.
Please, uh, make your...
self at home.
Thanks.
Hey, uh, you know why they
call it Black Friday?
We really don't have
to make conversation.
Okay, okay, cool.
- We can just...
- Yep.
- Be quiet.
- Okay.
That's fine.
Total silence.
And then the volleyball
floats away.
And weirdly, you're
sad about it.
At least I was.
Oh.
I feel like my insides are
crawling through my skin.
Can I have a sip of that?
Sure.
20 bucks.
For a sip of Pepto?
I'll just go buy my own.
You know, I think someone
already bought them all.
Hm. Well, well, well.
Who's all grown up?
It's called war profiteering.
I learned about it
in Social Studies.
I'm relieved, by the way,
about not being pregnant.
- Oh.
- You were asking earlier, so...
Oh, oh, uh, good.
Yeah, no, I... I
don't blame you.
That's... one child is...
is enough.
I've always thought I
wanted, like, two or three.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I think
maybe I still do,
just not with...
with, you know, everything
that's going on in
the world, and...
Yeah, it's, uh...
it's complicated times.
So complicated.
I-I don't mean to rush you,
but you see yourself
being done anytime soon?
No, I'm waiting for
you to be done.
Well, that's unfortunate,
because I was waiting
for you, so...
God.
"Da Vinci Code," too long.
"Bridge of Spies," too boring.
I can't do this anymore.
E-readers are half price.
Garrett out.
Stop it!
This is the dark night
of our souls...
a portrait of hopelessness.
A...
Wow, we've lost Brett.
Okay, guys, I know
we're bare bones,
but we can still make this work.
If Sandra could triple-cover
Camping, Menswear,
and Softlines... Sandra,
you can do that, right?
I guess if my knees were normal,
but three different
doctors said...
Oh, so we're all back here, huh?
We're just taking
a little break.
We'll get out there in a sec.
- It's fine.
- Are you not feeling sick?
Oh, no, I feel terrible.
Worst I've ever felt.
Hey, if we're all back here,
who's watching the floor?
Whoa. Hold on, man.
Hold on, man. Wait. You
got to stand in line.
Form an orderly line.
Hey, one TV per family.
Listen, lady, I'm putting your
face in my memory palace.
Eyes too far apart,
stringy hair.
Ethnic nose.
This isn't over!
Oh, it's over.
Oh, and then we just need
Herman to cover everything.
Herman hasn't worked
here in six months.
Fine, then, you know what?
I don't know how
to make this work.
If it makes you feel any better,
this is probably all your fault.
That stuffing you made
tasted like burnt hair.
My stuffing is not
what made us sick.
If anything, it was probably
Dina's weird tofu turkey thing.
You know what's weird?
Eating the flesh off
of a bird's bones,
you savage.
Why are you so weird?
Why is everyone being
so mean to each other?
Guys...
- Okay, Amy, now is not...
- Guys!
This is what Black Friday wants!
That is a family recipe
with a secret ingredient.
But this is not what Black
Friday is gonna get!
Oh, cinnamon? Boring.
And we are gonna overcome this,
- because there is abso...
- Jonah?
Could you please shut the up?
And that goes for all of you.
I can't listen to your
For one more damn second.
Did something just happen?
I think I blacked out there.
I have a terrible
headache, Mateo.
Can you please barf quieter?
Ugh, could you be
a bitch quieter?
Okay, I called Corporate
to ask for help,
and turns out they're
closed today
'cause it's a holiday.
So what do we do?
I say we bail.
Okay.
Wait, what? Really?
Yeah, even if everyone
in here felt great,
we still don't have enough
people to cover the floor.
So we just abandon the store?
Black Friday broke us.
All right, I'm calling it.
Time of death, 11:13 p.m.
Just let it all burn.
Wait, we're just gonna leave?
It was your idea to bail.
Yeah, I suggest
that every Friday.
Even you, Dina? You said
you'd never give up.
I also said I'd never vomit
on a toddler's head.
Lot of firsts today.
Hold up. Wait.
Yo, I don't like working here.
Okay.
But it's my job.
I do the bare minimum,
but I don't do less than that.
And I'm not about to let a
bunch of deal-hungry rubes
trash our store and make
me feel bad for Dina,
which I did not
think was possible.
So I'ma get out there, and
I'ma finish my shift.
And yeah, I'ma cut corners,
and I'ma phone it in,
but it'll never be said
that Garrett McNeill
did not do just enough
to not get fired.
♪
Move it!
♪
♪ So you come a long way ♪
Open.
♪ Ooh-ooh, but you'll
never have me ♪
♪ Never have things ♪
♪ For a normal life ♪
♪ It's time to busy earnin ♪'
♪ You can't get enough ♪
Aisle seven. 30 days.
Home and Garden.
Dairy factory-farmed.
We don't sell wigs anymore.
That's not your color.
♪
♪ You can't get enough ♪
Heather, reconfigure the LPOs,
and then move 'em to the PRC.
♪
- Boom.
- ♪ This busy earnin ♪'
Henry, get all the UPTs
out of the green zone.
If you run into a jam,
radio a 62V for a DPR, got it?
All right, break!
- Wow.
- Yeah.
That was impressive.
Didn't know I had it in me.
I mean, none of it
meant anything,
but the confidence is inspiring.
♪
Have a heavenly day.
Next!
Attention, shoppers, the
store is now closed.
Not, like, "Bring your items
to the front" closed.
I mean, like, "Get
the hell out."
Thank you.
Oh, also, if anyone happens to
find a little green hair thing,
it's mine.
Thank you so much for
shopping at Cloud 9.
Oh, sir, you accidentally drove
over my daughter's doll!
Not accidentally.
♪ You can't get enough ♪
♪
I hate Black Friday.
I can't move.
Me neither.
Hey, Myrtle.
Myrtle!
Could somebody poke Myrtle and
see if she's still alive?
Does it really matter?
I guess not.
Oof. TGIF, right, guys?
Hey, where's Amy?
Hi, it's me.
Sorry I haven't called all day.
It's been a frickin' zoo here.
Um, I took the test,
and don't worry.
I'm not happy.
I mean... pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
Or... maybe I'm not happy.
I... I don't know.
Um...
Adam, we should talk.
Look who works
register after all.
Dina, I can't.
Whatever issue you have with me
can wait till tomorrow, so...
♪ If you're lost, you can look ♪
♪ And you will find it ♪
♪ Time after time ♪
♪ If you fall, I
will catch you ♪
♪ I will be waiting ♪
Kind of wish I hadn't spent
the whole day puking.
Yeah, me too.
Find every breath mint
left in the store,
and meet me in the photo lab.
Ten minutes, or I
start without you.
A lot of firsts today.
♪