Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Color Wars - full transcript

Shh. It's gonna be okay.

- What happened?
- Jeremy died this morning.

No.

Jeremy died?

Jer... the tall guy?
He was so young.

Oh, I called it. You can't
be that tall and live.

No.

Not stupid, tall Jeremy.

I wish he'd die.

My bird Jeremy.

One day he was alive,
and then the next...



I had him since he
was a little...

Bird? Little bird?

She was probably gonna
say "little bird."

♪♪

♪♪

I'm sure he's in a better place.

Right, Mateo?

Yeah, I bet he's in bird heaven.

You think so? But
he was so violent.

Damn, man, I tried
to get it off,

but no one would cover my shift.

I would've stayed home,
but Emma needs braces

and they just cut back
on Adam's hours at work,

so I need the money.



Hey, maybe it won't be so bad.
Just got to let it happen.

What's going on? What's today?

Oh, you don't know.
- K-know what?

Know this.

Hmm.

Oh, thought I heard the music.
Guess I timed it wrong.

It's Color Wars!

Whoo.

What's Color Wars?

Two teams... one
gold, one red...

And whoever sells the most
by the end of the day wins.

Please, I'm not in the mood.

What do we win?

Oh, this year the
winning team gets...

A pizza party.

Sometimes I just want
to get in my car

and drive and drive, drive.

Buckle your seat belt,

because you are about
to experience Cloud 9

as you have never
experienced it before.

Hey, Dina, what you doing
over here in the bleachers?

It's Color Wars.

Do birds go to Heaven?

No, they don't have souls.

They just become dirt.

- Oh.
- Okay?

Okay.

Hey, if it would cheer you up,

you could help me
plan the pizza party.

What's there to plan?
You're just buying a pizza.

No, that's a pizza dinner.

The word "party" changes things.

There are certain expectations.

I mean, I could do it on my own,

but it'd be way more
fun to do with you.

All right, I'll help you
with the stupid party.

But wait. Not if
you don't want to.

Well, you've begged me,
so, yeah, I'll help you,

but I got to say, I've got some
major problems with your ideas.

You haven't even heard them yet.

I've heard them for years.
They always suck.

No, they don't.

Which ones?

All right, now,
when you check out,

they're gonna ask you if
you were helped by someone

on the Red Team
or the Gold Team.

This next part's very important.

I do not care.

No one's into the contest.

I don't think the promise of
pizza has the same effect

it had on us when we were kids.

It's a pizza party.

Besides, that's not
the only prize.

Everyone on the winning
team gets $100.

- What?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you tell
us that before?

I was saving it.

I wanted to have a nice
surprise incentive

for the end of the day.

No, you have to tell people
about incentives beforehand.

Oh, okay.

Well, should I
tell people, then?

Should I make an announcement?

Um, I can. I can do it.

Each member of the winning
team takes home...

$100.

I could really use that money.

I've been saving up for one
of those 3D ultrasounds...

You know, the one where
the baby's all like...

And the best part is
that the Red Team

doesn't even know
about the money.

- Jonah?
- I'm sorry. Just... I don't...

I-I am a little uncomfortable
pushing people

to buy things that they
don't want or need.

Seriously? Just stop it.

I will kill myself before I go
back to 2D ultrasound, okay?

I will kill myself.

- Withdrawn.
- Okay.

Let's stick to departments
that play to our strengths.

Jenny, cosmetics is not your...

- Hey...
- All: Hey.

What's up, girl?

Oh, just...

I was putting it in wrong.

♪ All I want to do is have
fun with my loved ones ♪

♪ The thug ones, relatives,
and my cousins ♪

♪ And I got them by the dozens ♪

♪ When they buzzin', quick
to say your husband ♪

♪ This is for my locked away ♪

♪ Extra love for the ones
who ain't got no date ♪

♪ But when we hit checkmate
with Ice Cube the great ♪

♪ As soon as I get a word,
we can rush the safe ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Freaky gyration is
close to fornication ♪

♪♪

Wow. Looks like you guys
are doing pretty good.

What? Oh, pssh. Whatever. okay.

Looks like somebody's
taking the competition

a little too seriously
all of a sudden.

I can't believe you're even
looking at the board, Garrett.

Well, I wasn't.

I just turned my head, and
my eyeballs went with it.

That's how faces work,

but it looks like you were
studying it pretty closely.

Um, okay, whatever you say.

I'm gonna go chill
in the break room.

Lates.

"Lates"?

Hey, Mateo, you notice
anything funny about this?

- Big guy, tiny shirt...
- Classic. I already Instagrammed it.

No, I mean, why is the
Gold Team selling so hard?

I don't know.

Let me do a little
investigating.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

There's a $100 prize
for the winning team.

Thank you very much.

Obviously, don't have sex
with any of the customers,

but if a man is under
the impression,

however misguided,
that the more he buys,

the less impossible it might be
that he could have sex with you,

well, that's on him.

But, uh, you're a lady,
and I respect you.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

we'd like to welcome the members

of our Second Chances Program
in the gold T-shirts.

If you'd prefer to
work with someone

who hasn't committed
a violent crime,

our red-shirted employees

will be more than
happy to help out.

Yes, the Cloud 9 Second
Chances Program...

'cause knowledge is
worth 100 bucks.

♪ Huh, yeah ♪
♪ What is good for? ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing,
say it again, y'all ♪

♪ War ♪
♪ Huh, huh, good God ♪

Dina, we have to prioritize.

We don't need a piñata.

Piñatas are awesome.

You're hitting things,
eating candy, taking turns.

What more do you want?

Our party budget is only $60,

and the tiny clown alone is $40.

We don't need a tiny clown.

I already agreed to cut
the fat clown, remember?

So pretty soon this party
is gonna have zero clowns.

Is that what you want... A
party with zero clowns?

This one's twice as much,

but it comes with a
built-in bean hopper.

Yeah, I-I doubt you'd ever
use most of these features.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'm leaning toward
the expensive one,

and I can't stress enough,
money is no object.

Honestly, unless you're,
like, a barista,

I think you're better off with
just a regular auto-drip.

All right, I guess I'll spend the
difference on lotto tickets,

although, realistically, what are
my chances of winning twice?

Jonah, so the Red Team
knows about the money now,

so it's time for the Gold Team
to stop pussyfooting around.

I'm not doing that with my feet.

I-I just have trouble
pressuring people

into buying stuff
they don't need.

Well, that's selfish.

Actually, I think it's
the opposite of selfish.

Come on, Jonah, you're
better than this.

Look at the Red Team.
Brett just sold a shelf.

Not the items on the shelf...
He sold an actual shelf.

Yeah, well, that's Brett.
Guy's a machine.

Okay, look...

money's a little tight
for me right now.

So maybe $100 doesn't
mean that much to you,

but some of us could
really use it.

So can you please start selling
people crap they don't need?

Oh, no, no, no.

Believe me... that bean
hopper has come in handy

more times than I can count.

That's what I said.

- Gold pride?
- Gold pride.

Don't take "No" for an answer.

And then in blue icing, have
it say, "Congratulations."

Got that?

No, not "Congratulations.
Got that?"

Just "Congratulations."

No, I don't want you to write
"Congratulations. Got that?

"No, not 'Congratulations.
Got that?'

Just 'Congratulations.'"

- What do I do here?
- He doesn't know English.

He's just transcribing
phonetically.

Well, what language
does he speak?

You hired him.

That's why, if it was up to
me, I'd fire half the staff.

No, don't put that on the cake.

Need some help with the grill?

Uh, no, no, no, no.
I'm just browsing.

I already got the base model.

Ah.

She's a beaut, huh?

- Yeah.
- She's a-a real beaut.

Believe me... I wish
I could afford it,

but, I mean,

how much am I gonna really use
a motorized rotisserie burner?

I use mine all the time.

It's... it's gotten me out
of some pretty crazy jams.

Are you a... you a grill guy?

So much.

Okay. Charcoal or gas?

If you need to ask, then
you are not a grill guy.

- Yes, exactly. That's good.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I should use that in
one of my videos.

Your, uh... what videos?

I do these... these
grilling videos on YouTube.

It's not a... it's not a
big deal or anything.

Sounds like a big deal to me.

- I got nine subscribers.
- What?

I don't even know three of them.

- Wow.
- Total strangers. Yeah.

That's, uh... I guess,
then, one could say

you almost need this.

Yeah, maybe, maybe. Let
me run it by my wife.

I think she's around here
somewhere, and I'll...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on. Come on.

Uh, let's not...

Let's not bring a lady
into this, right?

This is guy stuff...

You know, grills, football,

cars, porn.

Yeah, I'll just... I'll, uh...
I'll call her.

Yeah, all right.

You think you're a bigger
Minions fan than me?

I don't think so,
'cause if you were,

you would have a Minions blanket

and a Minions night-light

and some Minions candy

and this princess thing.

One second. Hey,
babe, what's up?

Uh, yeah, yeah, I just wanted
to run something by you.

Oh, I'm really busy right now.
Can it wait?

Well, I was just at
home, and I realized

we were out of AA
batteries, so I had the...

Oh, AA batteries.
I'll bring some home.

Okay, I love you, bye.

That was the head Minion,

and he told me to tell
you to tell your mom

to get you a new Xbox.

Um, she couldn't talk.

Well...

it's, uh, not like you
didn't try, right?

- Yeah.
- Huh?

- Yeah, I tried.
- Yeah.

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Yeah.
- Look out, cookout.

What?

My Nana used to say
that all the time.

Trust me, you don't
want the RX 5.

The Vilano Forza's
the way to go.

The RX 5 got five
spokes on RoadPro,

and it's half the price.

- Mm, okay.
- What's that mean?

Look, man, I used
to own the 5, okay?

And it was good...

till the pedals came loose

when I was crossing
a busy street.

Oh, I... Oh, I'm sorry.

But, hey, you know what?

I like to focus on the positive.

I'll ring you up for the RX-5.

Actually, let's go
with the Vilano.

Hell, yeah!

And let's get you one of these
fancy racer helmets too.

"I wish I had a better helmet"
was my first full sentence

when they taught me
how to speak again.

♪ All our times have come ♪

The woman is a maid.

She needs to do what
I tell her to do.

How will you be paying?

I just said, "You can
quit if you want",

but I can call INS if I want."

That shut her up.

I don't know. Something about
her car catching on fire.

The point is, she was late.

So call an Uber. Exactly.

I mean, she walked all the
way here from Guatemala,

but she can't make it a
couple of miles across town?

Place the ribs at a direct heat

and let them cook for
almost two hours.

I love this.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Thanks. Thanks.

Yeah, I hate it on cooking
shows how they start a dish

and then they cut to
later after it's cooked.

Yeah.

So all my videos are
done in real time.

You never see that.

You never see that.

No, and you know what?

This'll be even better
in 4K Ultra HD, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

That seems like a lot
to spend on a hobby.

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Stop calling this a hobby.

- This is a career.
- Yeah?

My wife kind of thinks
my videos are stupid.

Well, no offense, but I kind
of think your wife is stupid.

Oh, nice. Yeah.

But, you know, she probably
wouldn't be very happy

if I spend any more
money right now.

Hey, what about what
makes you happy?

You need to give
yourself permission

to do something for
yourself, just for once.

That's true.

- Yeah.
- Huh?

That's true, yes.

Yes? Yes.

- Yes to that?
- I'm gonna do it.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Why should she get time off?

I don't get time off
from being a stepmom.

How's it going?

Not so great.

Brett sold the nacho-cheese
dispenser from the cafe.

The man knows how to close.
How does he do it?

I don't know. And you know what?

This is not gonna help,

but I was this close to
making a $1,000 sale,

and then I opened
my big, fat mouth

and talked him into
spending $2,000.

- Shut up. No way.
- I did what you said.

I did not take "No"
for an answer.

- Oh, my God.
- And every time

I felt bad for the
guy, I just thought,

"Hey, look, it's either coming
out of his pocket or Amy's."

Yes! Oh, my God, I love
you so much right now.

Um, get back to work.

Okay.

- I hate balloons.
- Well, we need them.

Balloons are like our souls.

They want to go up, but can't,

and when you pop
them, they scream.

Okay, I thought we were
throwing this party together,

but, sure, let's only get things
that are important to Glenn.

God forbid we
splurge on a piñata

for the lady who woke up
to her dead best friend

and then had to sneak him into
her neighbor's garbage can

before trash pickup.

Okay. You really want a piñata?

I have an idea.

Oh, who cares? I have
ideas all the time.

"I wish I would've
bought a Vitamix"

was the first thing I said
when I woke up from my coma.

Could save your life, man.

How exactly did a non Vitamix
blender put you in a coma?

That's a very offensive question

to ask a disabled person.

Oh, Amy's husband's here.

Oh, wow. That is not what I...

So is he, like, a...
Like, a really funny guy

or a musician or something?

I don't think so. I think
he makes grill videos.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

And then we just fill
it up again with candy.

Yeah, I know how a piñata works.

Thanks. This was a good idea.

Aw.

Hey, this stuffing
looks like clouds.

We could use this as, uh,
decorations for the party.

Cloud 9!

Look at us working together,

riffing off each
other's ideas, huh?

It's kind of like
jazz, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, go, go, go.

Xylophone sound.

♪ We're jazzin',
we're snazzin' ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

I don't think you
should buy this stuff.

Huh? You just said
that I should.

Yeah, but then I realized,

what if part of the
lightning in the bottle

you were able to capture
in those videos

was actually the
old-school grill, right?

Uh, I don't think that's true.

Sure, sure. You know what?

Hey, how about this?
how about this?

You head out to the car,

and I'm gonna bring
this stuff out to you.

Oh, I still got to
pay for it, so...

- It's on me.
- What?

I would like to pay for this...
all of it.

What, you mean you
want to, like, invest?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I want to get in on
the ground floor.

You know what? Partners?

Well, what percentage
are we talking?

Ah, you... whatever
you think is fair.

We can talk about it later.

No, no, no, no. I
don't think so.

I mean, that's how
people get in trouble.

I could see maybe going 80-20.

Uh, 80 20 is a deal. You
got yourself a deal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just... I'm not sure I want
to give up that kind of equity.

I don't need equity.

I just need you to get
out of here before...

- Adam?
- That happens.

We can't afford a
grill right now.

But we can afford
for you to take

all the college
classes in the world.

Excuse me?

This is not Adam's fault.
This is my fault.

Jonah, stay out of this.

Those college courses
are gonna help me

make more money for us.

So will the videos.
Jonah's already invested.

I wouldn't use the
word "invested."

We're 90 10 partners.

I thought you said 80 20?

Stop it, Jonah.

For once in my life,

I want to give myself permission
to do something for myself.

For once in your life, Adam?

- Yes.
- Come on.

- What about the kickboxing gym...
- Yeah.

- Or the Reggaeton album...
- Ooh.

And the home brewed beer?

Wow. That is so low that
you would bring that up.

- That is still aging.
- It smells.

Yeah? Jonah says I
have potential.

What about that?

Oh, oh, that's what Jonah says?

Tell her.

Um, sorry, ma'am?

Crock-Pots?

Yes, Crock-Pots are
just over here.

♪ Many hands make for
less work for everyone ♪

♪ Many hands make for
less work for everyone ♪

Both: ♪ Teamwork ♪

Oh, come on, guys, I mean...

So who won?

Gold Team won, Myrtle.

He's told you that,
like, six times.

Victory is sweet. Hoo hoo.

But you know what?

The real victory is that
we did it together.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait. You're on the Red Team.

I'm on the Take One
of Each T-shirt Team.

This feels about right as
the ending to the day.

Yeah.

Is your husband still here?

No, he went home.

He seems nice.

Yeah, he is.

Hey, uh, I'm really
sorry about...

It's not your fault.

So how'd you guys meet?

I don't really want to
talk about my home life.

Got it.

I was in high school, and
he was a football player.

"You hired him.

That's why, if it was up to
me, I'd fire half the staff.

No, don't put that on the cake.
Glenn, make him stop. See?

Not so cocky now, are you, Dina?

I swear to God, one
of these days,

I'm going to strangle you.

I'd like to see...

you try.

Is that a threat?
You threatened me."

Is it working?