Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Wedding Day Sale - full transcript

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Don't use that one. It's icky.

God doesn't make
mistakes very often,

but when he does,

you have to throw them
right in the trash.

- Oh.
- Does this make sense

To anyone else?

White dress, $30.

White wedding dress, $200.

Is there cocaine in
this or something?

Yeah. The wedding
industry's a racket.



Oh, you think
everything is a racket.

And that is the
last of it, Glenn.

Wow. Hmm.

I'm just gonna say
what we all thinking.

This is pretty as hell.

Oh, it's 8:00.

Ooh, wait. Uh, hold on.

I just want to move that.

That's not in center.

That should be in center.

♪ ♪

Oh, no, no.

♪ ♪

Well, that was a good use
of the last five hours.



They realize they're basically
just fighting over a white net

with glitter on it, right?

Mm, I got five bucks
on the blonde.

Yeah, I'll take that action.

How are there already
this many go backs?

We've been open
for five minutes.

Oh, I'm actually here
as a customer today.

How do I look?

Ooh, wow.

Aw, that's hella nice, yo.

Yo, where's the laptops at?

We need, like, five or
six of those things.

My band is playing
at our wedding.

Yeah, we're gonna smash
computers as part of the act

'cause, you know,
like, technology.

Uh... Wow.

That sounds like an expensive
celebration you're planning.

It's about 500 people.

I wanted to invite more,

but I couldn't afford
any more stamps.

I bet your parents
are all, like,

"Don't spend all your
money on one day!

Save some for the baby."

Parents.

Nah. Five G's, son.

Yo, what's up? Making it rain!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stand down. Drop that paper, yo.

It's mine.

Where did you get all of that?

Bo got hit by a car
in the seventh grade

By an old lady.

She was legally blind
and super drunk.

Isn't he lucky?

Yeah, your boy here was
just crossing the street,

then it was like, crash!

Oh, going to the light.

I'm like, "No god. Later.

I got stuff to accomplish.
Later, light."

I pick up a phone.

"Yo, Hello, Lawyer?"

"Yo, settle out of court?

I think so. Yes."

Wha-chaah. Money.

Ha-ha!

So you just walk around
with $5,000 in your pocket?

That's right. I always
got that right here.

Uh-oh. Where's that five G's?

Yo, I was just kidding, dummies.

I got that right here. Oh, no.

Yo, where's it at, for real?

It's right there.

Oh.

Oh, what's up?

Good looking out, yo.

Please don't tip me.

Ma'am, I have the arm
strength of a chimp,

but there is just too much
real estate back here.

I'd have to dislocate
your shoulder.

Do it.

Okay.

But you'll have to teach
one of your bridesmaids

to do this on the day.

And they actually
have money saved up,

but instead of using it
to pay for the baby,

they're gonna blow it
all on some big party.

What?

Two 17-year-olds are
making a bad decision?

What?

I thought that only
happened in the movies.

I'm just saying that I wish
somebody had warned me

Not to spend so much
money on a wedding.

I'm telling you.

People do not like to be told
how to spend their money.

Really?

So does that mean
you'll stop telling me

To call your "Dad's friend?"

That's about making you money,

and if you saw the charts
that he showed me...

Oh, yeah. The charts.

Hi. Where are the
twinkly white lights?

It's an outdoor ceremony, so
they have to be weatherproof.

- I will take you to them.
- Thank you.

Which one of you is
the lucky fella?

Oh, well, actually, we both are.

I love that!

The four of you can celebrate

Your anniversary
together every year.

- No...
- Congratulations

- On your wedding!
- Yes.

To each other.

- To...
- Yeah.

Oh!

Outdoor lighting
is in aisle four.

If you need anything
else, just ask.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Have a heavenly day!

Thank you.

I don't know how,

but you really seem to have
a handle on this whole gay,

you know...

Oh!

That's great, Mateo!

Congratulations on that.

You know, I thought
you might be,

But I-I wasn't sure,

and then I forgot about it.

But now I know, and
that's terrific with me.

Yeah.

Oh, bam!

I'm about to blow up
this alien so bad.

Whoa. Oh.

Chey, you know babies come
with lots of expenses...

Is what your dumb
parents would say.

Remember, from before?

Aah, parents.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

But your parents do
make a good point.

Well, my mom said that we
should save some money,

but then, Bo is all like,
"Nah," so it's a tough call.

Dang! Those aliens
are smart as hell!

You want to go back to shopping?

- Yes.
- Hey, guys.

You want to play a
different game?

Blam!

- Diapers!
- Boom!

- Wipes!
- Blast!

- Bottle warmer.
- Headshot!

- More diapers.
- Poo-poo!

- Breast pump.
- Squirt, squirt!

- Diaper bag.
- Pew, pew!

See you in hell,
cute baby stuff.

Bo, you're killing them all!

And time's up.

What's up? 2,500 points!

Your boy here is getting
a Charleston Chew!

Actually, those aren't points.

Those are dollars, and that's
how much this stuff costs.

This stuff is $2,500?

That's, like, half
of Bo's stack.

Plus a car seat and
a crib and daycare,

and it just keeps coming.

Dang.

I'm gonna have to get
hit by so many cars.

Maybe we should save some
of our wedding money

for the future.

Huh, yeah.

You could do that.

You do have to make
some sacrifices

When you're a parent.

I mean, your whole life changes.

Bo, you look weird.

Yeah. Hey.

But I think it's great

That you guys are starting
to think about being...

Aah!

- Hey, look out.
- Bo?

Excuse me. Oh, sorry.

Bo?

I was gonna say "responsible."

Where did you go?
Please come back.

I love you.

It's Cheyenne, by the way.

Hey, you had to go freak
the little dummy out?

Well, it's not my fault.

Oh, she's right.

She was just teaching
us this fun game

about how expensive and
scary it is to have a baby.

What if he never comes back?

He will. He's gonna come back.

He will!

And you know what?

If he doesn't,

That wouldn't be
the worst thing...

Going right back at it, huh?

Okay.

You know what? Um...
I'll go look for him.

Could tag along with
me if you want.

That turd walked out with
a Cloud 9 scanner gun.

That makes it my jurisdiction.

He is not a turd.

Oh, he's a turd.

Also, my truck has a
rather unique odor,

but you should get used to
it after a couple of hours.

Oh... No, thank you.

We should probably just
split up, you know,

cover more ground.

Up to you. Oh...

Almost forgot my taser.

- Oh - Oh!

Okay. I'm coming with you!

Take care of her.

Uh, hey, hey. Now, now.

Now, now. There, little lady.

You're gonna... you're
gonna do just fine, kiddo.

Girl.

I learned that from
Wendy Williams.

If you're hungry, that can
of beans is up for grabs,

But not this one.

I'm good.

Do you mind if I turn on the...
where's your radio?

Oh, I special ordered
my truck without one.

Yeah, it costs a little extra,

but it makes the vehicle
less appealing to thieves

'cause no one wants a
truck without a radio.

Name a song, though.
I'll sing it for you.

- That's okay.
- No, no, go ahead.

I got a photographic
memory for music.

Okay, um...

"Single Ladies."

Not familiar with that one.

- "Uptown Funk."
- Don't know it.

- "Dancing Queen."
- Nope.

"Thriller?"

Michael Jackson?

You can't name a
song by some guy

you went to middle school with.

It has to be popular.

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes the
pipes are calling ♪

I can't be a single mom.

I have never even driven
on the highway before.

What if the baby needs
to go downtown?

Okay, again, Bo is
coming back, all right?

And when he does, you're
gonna have a cart full

of hella radical wedding
stuff to show him.

Yeah, like these
little ass pillows

to put the rings on
'cause they're important.

Bo once threw up on a pillow

at my Grandma's
retirement party.

Everything I see reminds
me of how amazing he was.

Okay. Surprising triggers.

We'll pick for you.
What do you think?

Pfft...

This one. Done.

Moving on.

- Ooh.
- What? What's up?

It's a little burlapy.

She's getting married,
not shipping coffee.

Ah.

Why don't we just
go with this one?

Well, you know what? Your call.

Do you want to go warm and
rustic like this burlap one

Or generic, kind of unoriginal?

I guess warm and rustic.

Warm and rustic! All right.

- We got ourself a pillow.
- Okay.

Next up on the wedding
train, "Guest Books".

Okay.

♪ ♪

I feel terrible about how
I handled things earlier

with your friends.

Friends? Oh, they're not... no.

- They're not my friends, dude.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Gay BFFs?

I don't know the lingo.

Look, I just want everyone
who comes into this store

to feel accepted.

But do you know that
in this entire sale,

there is not one section
dedicated to gay weddings?

Gay people use the same
decorations as straight people.

We just use 'em better.

That's my point exactly.

I mean, they should
not have to conform

to someone's... Hel...
hetero normal ideal

of what a wedding should be.

Would you be willing to help
me put something together?

Of course.

Great.

We're gonna take those
guy's minds and blow them.

I don't know if just randomly
driving around is a good idea.

Where do teenagers go?

Prom.

Is there a prom around?

No, I just meant that we
should think like a teenager.

Ah, yeah.

Hey, Mom, get out of my room.

You don't understand
my generation.

Pimples.

It's not helping.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Is that him?

Hey! Hey!

Stop! It's him, it's him.

Speed up. Go, go, go.

Bo!

Hey, Bo!

We just want to talk! Stop!

That's one of our carts.

That's one of our carts.

What? Who cares? Bo!

What are you doing?

Who cares?

I care.

Hey.

That is Cloud 9 store property!

No, it's not.

Dina! He's getting away!

Bo!

No, no, no. Absolutely not.

- Give it to me.
- Hey it's not your cart!

♪ ♪

You know, on second thought,

I don't think that
is one of our carts.

So what are we
thinking for lunch?

Sandwiches? Burritos?

Indian? Tapas?

What is up with you?

Do you even want to find Bo?

Yes, of course I do.

Just... Maybe not right away.

I'm really not anxious to get
back to the wedding day sale,

Okay?

Just seeing all those
women celebrating,

Having found someone,

and I'm not getting any younger.

- Kind of a bummer.
- Well, it can be hard to date.

If you'd seen some
of the guys I dated.

Gay. Racist.

Mean. Redhead.

That was all one guy.

Oh, I've dated some losers.

I dated this one guy

Who would only speak in
Monty Python quotes.

The last guy I dated
only hung out with me

to play chess with my dad,

and the guy before that was
just using me for my freezer.

I dated three guys

who were dating me just to get
close to my friend, Rene,

and Rene wasn't even that hot.

Whatever. This is
not about Rene.

Well, Rene sounds
like a sack of crap.

She was. Thank you.

I just call it like I see it.

Yes.

There is... A guy at work

That things have been getting
pretty intense with.

Really? Who?

Well, I don't want to talk
about my personal life

with coworkers, but I will say

that there has been some very
heavy flirtation happening.

I've been changing my shirt
multiple times a day

just 'cause of all
the pit stains.

Steamy stuff.

How's this?

It's nice.

But is it gay enough?

I don't want to be
kicking myself later

that we should have
gone more gay.

Let's err on the side of gay.

It feels appropriately gay.

Good.

You know, I have to say,

You're much more open-minded
than I thought.

Thank you.

People assume all
Christians are homophobes.

You know, that is ignorant.

You can't imagine how hard
it is being stereotyped.

- Sure.
- I mean, if anything,

Jesus went out of his
way to accept everyone.

- Agreed.
- Yeah.

I think Jesus would've
been pro gay marriage.

Absolutely.

He would've been
pro-gay adoption.

For all we know, Jesus
himself was gay.

So it's Tuesday, right?

That means... that means
Wednesday's coming.

Mm. Shake?

No, thanks. Vegan.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

You know, we can
keep looking for Bo,

but the guy can't bike forever,

especially not with those quads.

What don't you like him?

Is it the mustache?

No.

I got married at 19.

I know what they're in for.

I mean, you miss out
on a lot of stuff.

I mean, you get stuff
too, obviously,

but the money's always tight,

and you're five steps ahead
of where you should be

but also five steps behind
where you should've been.

But the mustache is bad, right?

Strawberry blondes should not
be allowed to grow facial hair.

No.

That should be in
our constitution.

Yeah.

Well, we should
probably go back.

God, I hope the brides
have cleared out.

You know, no one's
really gonna notice

if we're gone another
hour or two.

Well, what would we do?

Um...

Oh, we could pamper ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

The place is way fancier

than my usual spot.

Moist towelettes to
wipe up the gunpowder.

Man, I feel like a princess.

I think I saw a turquoise one.

Boom, cake stand.

Silver-plated, lace bows.

This is all kinds of elegant.

If someone came up to you with a
wheelbarrow full of elegance,

you'd have to be like,
"Sorry, Homie".

"We ass-deep in elegance."

That's really pretty.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, no.

That would be... really,

it'd be perfect for a
traditional wedding cake.

- Yeah.
- But we were talking more of,

like, a dessert pot
luck kind of a thing.

For a wedding? That seems
a little adventurous.

Jonah says a lot of weddings
are doing more DIY elements.

We're just looking for
something a little more

specifically curated to
Cheyenne and Bo's...

Ugh, that word.

You said I could say
"curated" once a week.

I chose now as my time.

Honestly, as long as Bo
is there, I don't even...

Yeah, no, no, no. Totally,
totally, totally.

I'm just saying, I
don't think a wedding

needs to be stuck in
stodgy, old traditions.

Right, better to have the
wedding in a treehouse,

drinking artisanal
cocktails out of a tuba.

A DIY element does add a
certain personal touch to it.

It's a trend, like
dancing down the aisle.

You know, it's like,
"I'm eating flan."

"I'm eating a baklava."

Why couldn't we just
have a nice, classy cake

like civilized human beings?

Give my taste buds a passport

because they're going
around the world.

Let's go over some basics.

You're gonna take your mag.

The flat part is actually gonna
go towards the back of the gun.

My favorite uncle was a cop.

He got me a .22 for
my Quinceañera.

Here, I thought you were just

the second-hottest girl at work.

Hey, you should come with me
to celebrity night sometime.

They put pictures
on the targets.

I don't want to brag,
but last week,

Kristen Stewart was my bitch.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, it's really satisfying.

I think tomorrow they're doing
the whole cast of "Scandal."

So, you just gonna walk
out on your fiancé?

You think that's
"Where it's at?"

Kinda. Okay.

Like, everyone cool I
know has done that.

Most rappers. Literally
every athlete.

You know what?

Cheyenne is better
off without you.

What's this?

"Bo Derek Thompson.

"Suma Cum Laude, Harvard
medical school.

Chief of Cardiology,
Johns Hopkins."

Yo, some of that's left over

from the computer
template or whatever.

Wait, this is what you
were doing all day?

You were handing out resumes?

And your name is Bo Derek?

Yeah, it's like you said.
Parenting's expensive.

Got to make some paper for
that baby coming, be a man.

"Managing editor of
vogue, 1972-1981."

I'm impressed, actually.

Oh no, Amy. This is all lies.

Oh, what a surprise.

You picked a white dress.
What a curveball.

'Cause that's exactly
what a wedding should be,

A series of curveballs.

You guys, it's really
sweet that you care,

but both dresses are fugly.

I just think that
your tastes are

a little more along the
lines of my grandmother's.

Okay, well, I just think that

your tastes are a little
more along the lines

of a Wiccan space queen.

What?

What's your dream
wedding, anyway?

A bunch of people
sweating in a field

while some jag reads from
"The Velveteen Rabbit?"

What's your dream wedding?

A beige Toyota Camry driven
by a white guy named Matthew?

- What is that supposed to mean?
- You know!

What do you say? You want
to look like my Aunt Linda?

You cannot get married
in a green bean.

Right this way.

♪ ♪

Welcome. We are
happy you're here.

You guys made this?

It's really nice.

You think this is nice?

You better buckle in

'cause the party is
just getting started.

It is? We didn't discuss...
okay.

Oh.

Pose yourself. There's
nothing like it.

Vogue!

- Wow.
- Vogue.

Glenn, this isn't
what we agreed on!

I made a few tweaks.

I turned my safe
search up to the max

and then Googled,
"world's gayest parties."

Wow.

Listen. He's trying.

He's your dad, two years ago.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

This was great.

Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, another one.

Wow.

- Get those hands up.
- All right.

- Get those hands up.
- All right.

Whoa.

You look like a princess.

You like it?

It's from the Farrah
Abraham collection.

Who's Farrah Abraham?

Teen mom, porn star.

You'd recognize her.

Don't run away again.

I won't.

Now we got a bunch
to figure out.

But no matter what, you and me

are gonna throw a
baller-ass wedding,

raise up a baller-ass shorty,

and have a baller-ass life.

I think you just wrote our vows.

I give them six months.

I don't know.

Maybe they'll surprise us.

Now, let's bleed some green!
Yeah.

Come and get a... take a
little shower in this stuff!

Or not.

Let 'em start out
with a fun party.

Yeah.

Hey, by the way,

What we were talking about
earlier, if you tell anyone,

I will staple your...

It'll stay between friends.

Thanks.

Ear to the wall.

You interrupted, but
that's what I'll staple.

Just know that.

Hey.

Hey, Jonah.

God, you are so funny.

Oh, shoot.