Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Secret Shopper - full transcript

Excuse me, could you tell
me where I can find the...

Ah. I'm on the phone.

I've been waiting for help
for, like, 20 minutes.

I've been on hold for 40.

But when the Chili
Peppers come to town,

you do what it takes.

Is there a manager I
could speak with?

Yeah, obstructed view is fine.

Whatever it takes
to see the Peppers.

What you watching? Stuff?

Corporate sent a secret shopper



to the Richmond Heights store.

- It did not go well.
- I think the screen froze.

Nah, he just stays like that
for another 20 minutes.

Sir, excuse me.

I heard the Maplewood Commons
got a secret shopper too.

Yeah, they cleaned house after.

Fired everyone.

Even the manager?

Especially the manager.

How do you get especially fired?

Kirkwood got a secret
shopper, but they did well.

All the associates got raises.

- Like money?
- No.

Like they were lifted
up into the air



and waved around... yeah, money.

I wonder if they'll
send one here.

A secret shopper?

I'd know.

I can always sniff out a fake.

The only way a secret
shopper's getting past me

is if he doesn't even know
he's a secret shopper.

Like Harrison Ford
in "Blade Runner."

I'm gonna say this
one more time.

Deckard was not a replicant.

Then explain the
friggin' unicorn!

Director's Cut doesn't count!

I can't listen to

the "Blade Runner"
debate one more time.

I would love for them to
send a secret shopper.

But then again, I got a 93

on my last corporate
policy test,

so nothing but net.

Mateo, those scores
don't mean anything.

I don't know. 93 is
pretty impressive.

I got 100.

Really?

Well, that was a hurtfully
exaggerated "really."

No, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean it to sound bad.

I just meant, you're not
very good at your job.

Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

Okay, guys, nothing else matters

but this secret shopper, okay?

We need a plan.

I know.

What if we treated
every customer

like they were the
secret shopper?

Nah, that's never gonna work.

Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

♪ ♪

This has got to be
the lamest thing

anyone has ever
been cocky about.

I know. It's so embarrassing.

I told them not to
put that up there,

but I guess they felt they
had to honor me somehow.

You know you're just asking
someone to draw a penis

on your face, right?

This must be really
bittersweet for you,

being surpassed by your protégé.

But now is no longer
the time of Amy.

No, now is the time of Ace.

Oh, Ace? Wow.

Ace. They're calling me Ace now.

Strong words from a guy who led

a flock of ducks into the store.

My pocket was ripped.

I didn't know I was
trailing crackers.

Why are you even walking around

with crackers in your pocket?

Because they don't have
the kind I like here.

All right, Marcus
is in court today

testifying against
his grandmother,

so I need you to
help zone Clearance

and then stock
Charcoal in Patio.

Charcoal doesn't go
in Patio anymore.

It goes in Grocery.

I got that answer
right on the test.

I know that because I got

every answer right on the test.

This is supposed to
be one of the last

warm weekends of the year.

Do you know what
people like to do

when the weather is nice?

Eat soft-shell crab.

Grill, and our customers are
used to finding charcoal

for their grills in Patio.

So unless we want to spend the
next few weeks being MapQuest,

we'll make the switch
after grilling season.

Yeah, but with all the
secret shopper stuff,

shouldn't we just be doing
things by the book?

I know how to do my job.

I'm not gonna live in fear
of some corporate spy.

Follow-up question:

You don't still use
MapQuest, do you?

It's very intuitive.

♪ When you hear the call ♪

♪ You got to get it under way ♪

♪ Word up ♪

First time in our store?

Oh, no. I've been here before.

Really?

Because I have a pretty
good memory for faces,

right there...

In my brain.

Well, you must have
forgotten mine.

Yeah, I don't think so.

It's very distinctive looking.

But maybe it was my mistake.

Guess you're just a
regular customer

doing some regular
pet food shopping.

Say, what type of
pet do you have?

- It's a dog.
- What kind?

- Cockapoo...
- How old?

- Four...
- Gender?

- Girl.
- Well...

Looks like you've got an
answer for everything.

So I'll just leave you
to your shopping.

Oh!

I almost forgot to ask.

What's your cat's name?

It's a dog.

Sure it is.

Where would I find men's hats?

All right, you're gonna
want to go to aisle 16,

and then straight, uh... oh.

Uh, who's this hat for?
A boyfriend?

No. No boyfriend.

- It's for my dad.
- Tight, tight.

Well, I could take you
over there personally.

And if you'd like, I could model
some of the options for you.

You know, they say my head
looks amazing in hats.

All right.

Yeah, that was cute and funny.

Uh, let me tell you
about myself...

Did I hear you ask
about men's hats?

I can help you with that.

Uh, I got this, man.

Okay, just thought I'd ask,

since I've personally
tested every hat we sell,

and Garrett is a
sexual predator.

- What?
- Excuse me?

Yeah, that's why his
nickname is "The Rapist."

Unconvicted, but we all know.

Anyway, are we
thinking Panama hat?

Trilby? Tricorn?

You know what? I'm good.

Okay, well, remember
to ask for Mateo.

He'll make your day-o!

What the was that?

I don't know. I thought she
was the secret shopper.

- So?
- There are raises on the line.

So sorry, not sorry. I'm
not here to make friends.

Fine, whatever.

I just hope for your sake,

the secret shopper
isn't one of us.

Wh... wait, wait.
What does that mean?

Pssh. I ain't even
gonna tell you.

No, no. You can tell me.

Well, at the Penrose store,

the corporate plant
was an employee.

And when he was done, everyone
who was a dick to him

got fired.

But, hey, that's why I always

try to be nice to
all my coworkers,

but I'm just kind of
one of those guys

that likes to keep
his job, so...

Good luck.

Thank... thank you.

♪ My life, my heart, my home ♪

♪ I would give
everything I own ♪

Well, no one's panicking.
That's a good sign.

We all just need to stay
cool about this, right?

I mean, I'm being cool.

You know that's not a
stress ball, right?

- It's a lemon.
- Let me have my process.

Am I imagining things,

or did I ask you to stock
the charcoal in Patio?

- Glenn told me...
- Jonah reminded me

that charcoal is supposed
to be in Grocery now.

Mm.

We don't want to
make any mistakes,

not with a secret
shopper in our mist.

Wait, is it mist or midst?

Which one were the
gorillas in again?

Jonah?

Mist.

So, um, you went over
my head to Glenn?

Well, no, it just sort of
came up in conversation...

Well, thank God he did.

You know, you could stand
to learn something

from Mr. 100 here.

That's a nickname
that we came up with.

- He came up with.
- Yeah.

I could think of a
nickname for you too,

but you haven't done anything
really impressive lately.

How about Little Miss "On Time"?

Dr. Cool?

Workules?

How about just Amy?

Floor Supervisor.

Boring. Wait.

Bed, Bath, and Beyonce! Huh?

♪

Hey.

Here you are.

Olives?

It's the closest thing I could
find to an olive branch.

Thanks.

Uh, so I guess now
I restock these...

No, no, no, I'll do it.
I'll... I'll...

Excuse me. Where can
I find the charcoal?

Grocery.

Look, I'm sorry for going
over your head like that.

And I know what you're thinking.

I wouldn't have done
that if you were a man.

Nope. Wasn't thinking that.

- Oh, good.
- It's fine.

Just, next time,
come to me first

before you go to
Glenn, all right?

Got it, got it.

Although, I did
come to you first.

Yeah, so next time, do
a better job of it.

- Better job.
- Yeah.

Copy that.

How?

Hey, uh, are we sold
out of charcoal?

- Both: Grocery.
- Hmm.

Where are tampons? Electronics?

No, they're where
tampons normally are.

Okay.

How about you hang
these nifty signs

and then grab a mop?

Because I don't think that
raccoon ever left us.

Will do, uh, so...
so real quick,

and I hate to even mention this,

but I think there's,
like, a store policy

against hanging flyers.

Yeah, I'm not, like,
looking for a new bassist

for my punk band; I
think this is fine.

Right, right, of course.

But there really is a policy.

Yeah, you just said that.

But I'm now trying to do a
better job of saying it.

Condolence cards, huh?

Bummer. Who died?

Uh, a friend of mine.

Hmm. You don't look very upset.

Probably not that good a friend.

Can I see a death certificate?

I-I don't think I need
a death certificate

just to buy a card.

Well, well, well.

Look who knows a lot about
Cloud 9 store policies.

What was your friend's name?

- I don't understand...
- How did he die?

What did he love? What
kind of music was he into?

Billy Joel? Everybody's
into Billy Joel.

Was he a vegetarian or normal?

The kind of guy you trust
with a lot of money or...

Enough, all right?

I see what you're doing,
and you're right.

By the end, I didn't
really know him anymore.

May... maybe I never
really knew him.

The point is, I
wasn't there for him

when he needed me the most.

Hmm.

Funny. You don't look Jewish.

Mateo.

What you doing in here?

I'm investigating.

What if there is
no secret shopper?

You ever think that
corporate is spying on us

with a secret employee?

Well, no, but now that's
all I can think about.

You notice how Jonah

never talks about what he
was doing before this job?

Well, sure, but I just
figured he was a criminal.

You'd be surprised how many
of our employees have been.

I mean, I've always
wondered why an educated,

privileged pretty boy would
decide to work here.

And then I noticed Jonah's
car has Illinois plates.

Oh.

Do you know what
else is in Illinois?

Oh, soybeans.

Cloud 9 headquarters.

Oh!

I mean, now it makes sense
how he beat my score

on that test; He
probably wrote the test.

Okay. Let's keep
this under our hats.

I don't want anyone to start
acting weird around him.

Jonah, do you know why
I called you in here?

Uh, no.

Am I in trouble?

As if.

Why? Am I in trouble?

Um, I-I don't think so.

Whew. That's a relief.

- Yeah.
- So, um...

I'm just gonna come
out and say it.

You know, I think I
deserve a raise.

- Absolutely.
- Really?

Yeah. A big one.

Would you be willing to
tell people about that?

Am I? Sure, yeah.

I'll definitely... I'll tell
whoever you want, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I-I don't know...

You... you...

I'm so glad we had
this conversation.

Yeah.

I keep a tin of candies in here

for special occasions.

They are wickedly sour.

♪ I think we're alone now ♪

♪ There doesn't seem to be... ♪

What? Didn't he...

Just like a regular Joe, huh?

You're gonna have to
do better than that.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I think I got that...

Let's talk about why you need

each of those items
in that basket.

Excuse me, Dina?
Have you seen Jonah?

Last time I saw
that little piece,

he was talking to
Glenn in his office.

God, you smell like
you're from Chicago.

Will Jonah please report
to Patio immediately?

I repeat...

Jonah to Patio...

One second.

Immediately!

Okay. I'm on my way.

Make sure that you actually are.

I just said I am.

Yes, but sometimes you say
you're going to do things,

and then you don't.

Why don't we have this
discussion in person?

Given that you just
started working here...

What is going on?

Maybe you shouldn't tell
me how to do my job.

Or maybe you should
leave the intercom open

for more important
announcements.

No, you guys go wild. I
never want this to end.

I am your supervisor.

Don't think you know
this job better than me

just because you did well
on some stupid test.

The test doesn't make
me think I know better.

The test is empirical proof
that I do know better.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Dildos are on sale for
69 cents in aisle 69.

Hey, bozo, we're
using the intercom!

Get off!

Why don't you take
your own advice?

Baba Booey, Baba Booey!

Howard Stern for president!

Hey, I need that!

- Penis, penis, penis!
- Karen Figoletto is a skank!

Actually, kid, that's
a lot more insightful

than anything Jonah's
got to say today.

Our manager seems to think
I'm very insightful.

Yes, that's because

you're a little
ass-kissing face.

Oh...

Have a heavenly day.

I don't understand
what's gotten into you.

You're just lucky that
Jonah doesn't take

these kinds of
things personally.

Jonah?

Do you know what he said to me

when I asked him if he
was going to fire you?

He said, "I can't do that."

'Cause he can't.

I'm his boss.

Oh, right.

You are saying something
that is true to you.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah? Sweetie, great news.

I'm getting a raise!

There'll be money
for the houseboat

and for your mom's surgery.

- Hey, Glenn?
- Hmm?

- Can I get back to work?
- Yeah.

Just play nice with Jonah.

Unless you want to spend
the rest of your day

doing backbreaking
work in the stockroom.

Very convincing.

What do you mean, Dear?

What I mean, "Dear,"

is, if you'd just
stayed in Pharmacy,

I wouldn't have batted an eye.

But no one your age is throwing
their money away on a new bed.

I mean, let's be honest.

How many years of sleeping
do you even have left?

I don't know what's
happening here.

I'll tell you what's happening.

Your cover's been
blown, sweetheart.

Hello, Chicago.

I'm not stupid.

Oh.

Hey, so, uh...

Things got a little out
of hand back there.

Yeah.

Is this your way of apologizing?

No, that was me giving you

the chance to apologize to me.

Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Um, is there anything
else I can help you with?

We're out of Nosey the Anteater.

- It's a plush toy...
- Yeah, I know who Nosey is.

I'll get him.

Do you, um... do
you need a hand...

No, no. No. No, thank you.

I know how to
operate a forklift.

It's just been a while,

and I don't remember there
being so many levers.

Why are they always
improving things?

Are you sure you
don't want any help?

Because I've been studying the
manual for my certification.

Oh, that's great, but, you know,

sometimes you can memorize
a textbook for something

and still not know how to
do it in real life, so...

Okay. Have at it.

Oh!

Okay, Ace, why don't
you give it a shot?

Garrett, what up?

Have you seen Jonah?

I got some meatballs

from that place he always
calls "an unassuming gem."

Why are you getting
meatballs for Jonah?

Because Jonah is a
secret employee.

What?

No.

Bad news, though. Jonah
hates meatballs.

- What?
- Doesn't like 'em.

You know what he does like?

He likes cakes

from that bakery down on Birch.

The one you're always
talking about?

Mm-hmm, yeah. That same one.

Jonah likes it too.
Jonah likes it too.

Okay.

He loves the cakes
with coconut on them.

Okay, coconut cake,
bakery on Birch.

None of that white
chocolate stuff.

- Got it, I'm on it.
- That's what I'm talking about.

You're a secret
shopper, aren't you?

That's cool. I won't tell.

Maybe this does something...

- Um...

- No. No.
- I don't think that's it.

- Okay, okay.
- Turn it off.

- Sorry, not this!
- Turn it off!

Okay!

Okay, your turn.

Stop! Stop!

- Stop!
- Oh!

♪ Let the boys be boys ♪

The printers are
right underneath...

- They're crushing the...
- Oh, okay, okay.

- Cool?
- No, not cool!

I'm spinning!

Okay, all right.

♪ ♪

Turn... I'm not
touching anything!

- It's just going!
- Stop turning.

- Like this?
- God, oh, God.

Amy!

♪ ♪

♪ Let the boys be boys ♪

Yes!

It's all coming back to me.

It's like riding a
four-ton bicycle.

You hear that?

That's the sound of victory.

No, no, no, no! You
have to raise...

Wah!

Oh!

Well.

♪ ♪

♪ My life is not complete,
I never see you smile ♪

♪ Try, try, try, let it ride ♪

♪ ♪

So is there anything you
want to talk about?

Or should we just continue
to destroy the stockroom?

Look, I haven't told
anyone here this

because it would be
really embarrassing

if it didn't work out,

but I've started taking
college courses.

Well, that's...

If anything you're about to say

includes the words
"brave," "courageous,"

or "girl power,"
please don't talk.

So it was a little annoying

when you started rubbing
that stupid test in my face

as if it meant you were
smarter than me or something.

I don't think I'm
smarter than you.

I know you're not
smarter than me.

That's what's so annoying.

You're just one of those guys

that things seem
to work out for.

I flunked out of
business school...

In Chicago.

I didn't want to
be there anyway.

It was stupid.

I was just 28 and
trying to figure out

what I wanted to
do with my life.

And apparently what I
wanted to do with my life

was rack up a whole
bunch of debt.

So what'd you do?

I took a long drive.

And then I wanted a snack,

and so I stopped at this
random store in St. Louis

and saw they were hiring, and...

Wow.

You know, if you
weren't my boss,

I would say we should
just get up and walk away

like we didn't know
any of this happened.

Yeah, right.

Although, these bolts
are pretty rusty.

They could have totally
fallen by themselves.

You are preaching to the choir.

Um, Jonah? Jonah.

Jonah!

- Oh! Get out of the way!
- Get out of the way!

Oh!

Hey, all things considered,

I think you handled
that pretty well.

I got to hand it to that guy.
He's good.

I wouldn't be surprised
if he had CIA training.

Spent a little time at The Farm.

You know they just
sent the same guy

they did last time, right?

So what does this mean for us?

Well, luckily, we still
scored pretty well

compared to Richmond Heights.

Turns out they had a meth
lab in their basement,

which, turns out,
was just a front

for a dog fighting ring.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This is my favorite part.

What? What's wrong with you?

I know a camera when
I see a camera.

- Come on!
- You're crazy.

Man, the camera loves me.