Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Shoplifter - full transcript

♪ ♪

Whoop-whoop!

What are you doing? He's so peaceful.
Just let him be.

Man, if I got to be awake,
he got to be awake.

Yo! Old white dude!

Black people taking over!

Ooh. That usually wakes 'em up.

- He's not...
- No, he couldn't be.

Hey, hey, Pop-Pop. Hey... ah!

Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy!
Jonah touched a dead guy!

Well, we can likely
rule out foul play



according to his
license, he was 87.

Probably died of old age.

My great-grandma
died the same way.

Her mom too. Bad genes, I guess.

So, she just kept the
dead man's wallet,

and we're all okay with that?

Finders keepers.

Anyway, uh, I thought
we should all gather

as a group in sort
of a safe space

so that we can share any
feelings that we have.

About what happened.

Um, is anyone feeling
any sadness?

Or shock?

Or guilt?



There are no wrong answers.

Yes, Garrett.

I guess apathy.

I don't got any feelings
about this dude.

Okay, uh, Garrett,
thank you for sharing.

Um, is anyone else feeling
feelings of apathy?

Okay, well, that's valid.

That's va... no, it's not valid!
You know what?

No one is leaving this
room until I see someone

express some real g-d emotion!

Uh, well, perhaps seeing
a dead person today

made us all realize how fragile
the journey of life really is.

Thank you.

A little cliché, but
points for effort.

All right, um, why
don't we just all.

- Bow our heads...
- No religion in the workplace.

- Okay, a moment of silence.
- Nope.

Not if you're
thinking about God.

Okay, Amy, could you come and
say a few secular words?

Um...

Charles, uh, wasn't just a man

who needed corrective lenses,

he was also not an organ donor.

And, um, in conclusion,
he lived on Oak Street.

Thank you.

So tragic.

What's gonna happen
to the couch?

What? The couch?

It was the fanciest
one in the store.

He died on the fancy couch?

Does that mean it's
gonna be on sale?

We don't have to tell
anyone somebody died on it.

Not disclosing someone
died on it is lying.

I'm a man of truth, Dina.

Maybe lying's your thing.

- Oh, you like truth, huh?
- Yeah.

How 'bout this truth:

You have the hands of
a middle-aged woman.

You want to play the truth game?

- Sure.
- Fine.

Your podcast is a mess.

Yeah, no one wants to
hear your rambling.

Just get to the interview.

♪ ♪

You're loading that wrong.

Oh, um, thank you, little girl,

but I think I know
what I'm doing.

There we go.

Just got to use a little muscle.

- Can I have one?
- Sure.

And I don't know if you...

Emma, there you are. I told...

You loaded it wrong?

Wait a minute. That's
your daughter!

Shh! We're not allowed to
bring our kids to work.

Oh.

My sitter canceled,
and she's hanging out

for a couple hours, but can you
please not tell Glenn or...

- Shh.
- Dina.

No, no, no, no, your
secret is safe with me.

I'm not telling anybody.
Hi, I'm Jonah.

Yeah, I figured. You're
right, he is incompetent.

You told her I was incompetent?

Ba-na-na-na. Talk
about me at home?

I don't know if I should
be flattered or insulted.

Don't be flattered.

Hey, Garrett.

I've got a shoplifter
in my cross-hairs.

Hmm, I've taken
four breaks today,

so I guess we both got
stuff to brag about.

♪ ♪

My baby!

Gotcha, you gorgeous
piece of garbage.

Did you get to the
part where he finds...

Well hurry up, I want
to talk about it.

Amy, can I see you for a minute?

Um, wait, I have to watch
the jewelry counter.

Jonah? Watch jewelry, will you?

- Sure.
- Um, no.

I don't think, um, Jonah
has very much experience

with... jewelry.

I don't have any
jewelry of my own,

but my brothers
have some jewelry

that I've played with.

Amy.

Um... yeah. Okay. Uh...

Well, I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.

Stay here, and, uh,
whatever you do,

don't bring attention
to the jewelry.

Trust me, no one will
know the jewelry is here.

There is so much I don't
understand about sales.

Hiya.

So what else did
Mom say about me?

Aside from the general
incompetence.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, "Maze Runner!"

We must chat when you get back.
I have lots of opinions.

I'm a hunter.

Some people like to
hunt elk, or deer.

I hunt people,

and your head is
going on my wall.

I didn't steal anything.

Oh, you didn't?

Well, this was easy.

Sorry for the
mix-up, you can go.

Here, let me get you your purse.
Oops!

Ha ha!

Well, well, well, lookie
what we've got here.

That's mine. I came in with it.

How convenient for you.

Well...

I guess it's just my
word against yours then.

If only I had some
sort of device.

Right at my fingertips that
recorded your illegal activity.

Oh.

If only I could simply
press a button,

and see that recording.

Oh.

If only that had worked.

- I have always wanted...
- You? No, no, no...

- A blue couch!
- Okay.

- My home is all about...
- Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, okay.

Y'all in Judge
Garrett's court now.

You both want the couch.
Plead your case. Go.

I'm pregnant, and I
have so little...

Where's the baby gonna sit?

Uh, fake cry.

I invented fake crying.

She was my sister!

God...

I just want to hold
her one more time...

Wow, you could be in
a Lifetime movie.

- Thanks.
- We gonna do this the easy way.

You want the couch?

Whoever sits on it
the longest gets it.

You get up, you lose. You in?

- Absolutely.
- Yup.

"It is not death a
man should fear,

but never beginning to live."

Marcus Aurelius.

"I don't got no fear of death."

Tupac Shakur.

Those are beautiful, Glenn.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um, I think I need to get
back to the jewelry counter.

Oh, sure, get back to jewelry.

A man died here today.

When I die, will it
be business as usual?

Jewelry, cosmetics, sporting
goods, electronics,

- grocery...
- No, you're right.

- You're right, Glenn.
- Men's apparel.

Women's apparel. Housewares.
Seasonal.

Well, would it make
you feel better.

If we did something
for his family?

I know a guy who makes
life-size puppets

of the deceased using
their actual hair.

Well, that's one idea.
Here's another one.

What if we sent his
family a condolence card?

Oh, that's even better.

'Cause those puppets
are pretty horrifying.

Hey, Emma?

You... you've been
in here a while.

Is... is everything okay?

I'm fine. Can you get my mom?

Uh, you know, your
mom is actually

with our boss right
now, and I don't want

to get her in trouble, so...

Can you please just get her?

Uh, you know, Emma,
whatever it is,

you can trust me,
I promise you...

I got my first period!

I'm gonna go get your mom.

Hey, have you seen Amy?

Amy...

I got to get back to Jewelry,
but this seems very Charles.

Uh, wait a sec.

Wait, so you detained
her without proof?

There was a faulty
surveillance camera.

She could sue the store! Do
you remember Linda Beavers?

She was fired for falsely
accusing someone of shoplifting.

- Wait, Linda was fired?
- Yeah.

She told me the doctor said
she was too fat to work.

Yeah, that was just her
excuse to save face.

Look, I'm not falsely
accusing her.

She did it, I just
can't prove it.

Okay, she hasn't
been in there long,

so just apologize,
and hopefully,

that'll be the end of it.

You want me to let her go?
I saw her do it!

It doesn't matter what you saw.

Just cut your
losses and move on.

That's an order.

I just sounded like
my wife right there.

Hey, Emma, I want you to know

I can't find your
mom, but don't worry,

I can handle it.

And I'm in the men's room.

I want you to know, I
can't find your mom,

but don't worry,
I can handle it.

Are you sure?

'Cause my mom said you're not
that good at doing stuff.

Did your mom ever say
anything positive about me?

This is not about me.

It is unfortunate that

the situation arose
where you were accused

of something that,
due to circumstance,

the proof that you did it...
was lost.

Such that, to anyone who
wasn't there in person,

they wouldn't know
you had did it.

I'm sorry, is this an apology?

Yes, and don't say sorry to me.

- I don't accept.
- Uh, don't worry. I won't.

- I'm leaving.
- Okay.

Just need you to sign this form

stating that I let you go and
that you won't sue the store.

Anything to get away from
your polyester blend shirt

and that stupid little ponytail
you're forced to wear.

Uh, the ponytail is not forced.

It is one of 12 approved
hairstyles for female employees.

Mm, well, whatever
it is, it's pitiful.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot
you work retail.

Pitiful means sad.

I know you stole.

Oh yeah? Prove it.

We're just getting
started, lady!

I cannot physically touch you,

but I can get very close.

So, the episiotomy is
when they have to snip

the area between your
vagina and your butthole

so that you don't
tear your pee-hole.

You know, it's not
working, okay?

I'm not getting off this couch.

And it's all held
together by a mucus plug,

so imagine, like, a bag
of cherry pie filling,

but it has a hole in it, but
the hole's being blocked

by a big ball of snot.

Yep, yep, miracle of life.
Get it.

I wonder if I'll
eat my placenta.

- Hey, uh, Dina?
- I'm in a hurry.

If you want to talk, you
have to walk with me.

Uh, okay, this is gonna
sound crazy, but,

do you remember
your first period?

- Because...
- February 4th, 2003.

It was a Tuesday.
Unseasonably warm.

- Okay, so...
- I was 19.

Late bloomer, though I've more
than made up for that since.

My gyno says I ovulate
like a champ.

- I drop eggs hard.
- All right, uh...

You know my aunt was
born with two vaginas?

Yeah, she always thought
it would help her date,

but it didn't.

She died alone. Well,
she will die alone.

She's still alive. She's
only like 50 or something.

Okay, thanks.

Think I got all the
information I need.

God, I'm good at flirting.

♪ ♪

Hey! You! Rodriguez! Follow me.

What's the hold up?

Well, I don't like when
people snap in my face.

I'm busy. My name's
not "Rodriguez."

- There are so many reasons.
- I need your help.

That shoplifter's
still upstairs.

Dina, you didn't let her go?

You heard Glenn, you
could lose your job.

Not if we can get
her to confess.

We... uh, sorry. We?

Look, I know we've
never been close.

Frankly, there are a lot of
things I can't stand about you,

but right now, you're the
only person I trust.

Um... no.

Please... I...

I don't want to lose my job.

Is this gonna take a long time?

No.

I mean, I was hoping for a
quick nacho bar fuel up,

but we can skip that.

- I mean, unless you...
- No.

We'll skip it! We'll skip it.

Excuse me, ah...

I'm an 11-year-old girl.
Do I like pads or tampons?

Hyp... hypothetically.

Oh, hey, dude.

You want to split a
pizza for lunch break?

What do you know about periods?

Oh, it's bleeding
from the uterus

that's released
through the vagina.

Happens every 28 days,
give or take a few,

depending on the lady.

They all snowflakes.

So was that a no for pizza?

I don't think I'm
hungry anymore.

Whoo, I am.

♪ ♪

So how, exactly, are we
getting her to confess?

We're going classic
good cop, bad cop.

Like they do in the movies?

Trust me. I've been
doing this for years.

This'll work.

Okay, good cop, bad cop.

Hey, there, this
is my bestie, Amy.

Be careful of her, she's
a little unstable.

Um....

- Listen up, dirt bag.
- Ow.

Do you need some
water or a mint?

God, you're just so pretty.

Are you gonna let
me go, or what?

I want to, but Amy
here is a maniac.

She's loco.

Uh, yeah, loco! Loco
'bout bustin' perps!

Oh, hey, um, I've decided
to take up a collection

for the dead fella's family.

Maybe you guys could,
like, take this around

and get the other
employees to donate?

- Got it.
- Money for the dead guy.

- Mm-hmm. Oh.
- Great.

Should I just put it...

Yeah, just, you can set it down.

Good.

You know that's the
couch he died on.

Okay, Uncle Jonah's back.

Gross.

Please pretend I did not just
call myself "Uncle Jonah."

Did you get something?

Yep, these are colorful. Oh!

And this one has a girl
playing soccer on the cover.

I just want whatever's
easy to use.

I got to be honest, none of
these really look easy to use.

My cousin Ricky started
out shoplifting.

Now he's bangin' out license
plates in some prison

trying to avoid a big
guy named Crazy Eyes.

Crazy Eyes is a character in
"Orange Is the New Black."

Crazy Eyes is a character
in every prison in America,

ladrona puta.

Is she okay?

I don't understand
what's happening.

It's boxing.

Okay, listen Rizzoli and Isles,

I'm not confessing to anything,

especially not to two
minimum-wage morons.

I'm sorry, what?

Hey, sweetie, you seem stressed.

- Do you want a back rub?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Who do you think you are?

You can't just walk up in here,
start calling us morons.

Amy, forget it, okay? This
clearly isn't working.

Guess you're free to go,
courtesy of one broken camera.

In the Makeup Department.

Wait. You saw her in Makeup?

Yeah.

Well, you know, the
cameras in Accessories.

Also cover Makeup.

I just realized.

If we pull the footage
from Accessories,

we've got our proof!

Yeah, that's what I was saying.

And you're going down, thief!

Enjoy prison!

Oh, boy.

It's a heated competition.

I think you're just
supposed to open it.

From... or... nope, I broke it.

Nope. Yep. That can't be right.

It's soft. Oh, this
one looks easy.

That... it travels.
That one's a traveler.

Uh...

Emma, look through the crack.

I'm a mummy! Ahh!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be right out.

I'm helping a little girl.

Can't wait to see you bust
that filthy bitch to hell.

- You can drop the bad cop act.
- It's not an act.

I genuinely hate this lady.

Nice. Oh, here we go.

♪ ♪

- She's innocent.
- Yep.

♪ ♪

Everyone here at Cloud
9 is so, so sorry

to have inconvenienced
you, and we are willing to

do anything to make it right.

Here are some coupons. Uh,
25% off air fresheners.

Ooh.

Uh, buy one, get one
free toothpaste.

And, um, and a free slushie.

But, you know what,
something tells me

you're not a slushie girl,
so I'll just keep that.

Let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can either fire
this dum-dum right now,

or I can go home, call
your corporate offices,

and make them fire her.

Okay, let's just
talk this through.

- It was one mistake.
- I'm leaving.

I can't waste another
minute of my life

with you back-country idiots.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it:

I like her less than
I like other people.

♪ Somewhere Over the Rainbow ♪

I can't believe I'm
gonna lose my job.

I just upgraded all of the
trash cans in my apartment.

Stupid, Dina, stupid!

Relax, things have a
way of working out.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be
happy with me gone.

You can turn this place
into some sort of

deranged religious cult.

Well, well, look who
didn't feel like

paying for their copy of
"Barney's Breat Adventure."

That's not mine, someone
else must have put it there.

Now, let me be clear.

You have two options.

You can report Dina to corporate
while I report you to the police,

or we can agree that sometimes
good people make mistakes,

and put this whole
darn thing behind us.

Fine.

But I'm never stepping
foot in this dump again.

And God grants us
another miracle.

Have a heavenly day.

- What?
- Did you plant that?

Dina, I'm a man of
truth and principle,

so how can you even ask me that?

Understood.

It was me. I did it.
I saved you.

You owe me so hard! So hard!

Yeah! I lied!

See that? In the back corner?

You see the little
family over there?

Kill 'em. Blow 'em up.

Here you are.

I'm sorry I was gone so long.

What'd you do all day?

Uh, we mostly
played video games.

It was fun.

- Wow.
- Yep.

Good job.

Thanks for, uh, keeping
an eye on her.

It was easy. She's a great kid.

Yeah, she is.

Jonah taught me how
to use a maxi pad.

Thank you all for
gathering to help me

honor and remember...

Charles Maynard Rand.

Why do we have to
destroy the couch?

Well, for one thing,
it's a wonderful way

to memorialize a man.

Plus, I looked up
the store policy.

If a death occurs on
any display furniture,

it has to be destroyed.

- Who knew?
- I knew.

Same thing happened at the
Kirkwood store a few months ago.

- Jonah?
- Right.

We didn't know Charles,
but he chose to spend

the last few moments
of his life with us.

Charles, may your soul...

or non-denominational
life force, I guess,

be lifted by the
non-gender-specific

arms of a loving entity
or non-entity...

Hey. Just once?

Knock yourself out.

Jesus Christ!

The hands of Jesus Christ,
who saves us from our sins.

With his precious blood, and
welcomes us as little lambs...

Hey. Thanks for
helping me out today.

Yeah, I got your back.

I know you brought your
daughter into work.

I got to write you up.
You get it.

We give you the love, and
we take away the evil!

Amen!

What a day!

How much gas you
put on that thing?

None, and that fabric is
supposed to be fire-retardant.

- Okay, uh...
- Wow.

God bless us all, and
let's get out of here.