Superstore (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mannequin - full transcript
This is nice, huh?
Taking a well-earned
break with my coworkers.
I feel like I'm finally
fitting in here.
You don't get to decide
when you're fitting in.
We'll let you know.
I'm just saying... I'm
getting used to it.
Ugh.
Not getting used to
standing all day.
That's not a problem
I have to deal with.
Yeah, well, lucky
you, my friend.
Not luck... lucky...
not lucky you.
That's... I don't
think you're lucky.
So you think I'm unlucky?
Not... well... you
know what I mean.
That's an... it's an expression.
Why don't you just
eject right now?
You know, it's so weird
that your feet hurt,
because every time I see you,
I feel like you're sitting.
Try doing this job
six months pregnant.
Yeah, seriously. That's brutal.
I didn't know you
were pregnant too.
I was when I was 19.
Then I gave birth
to my daughter.
So I'm not pregnant now, but
thank you for thinking so.
I didn't mean you look pregnant.
- I just meant...
- Eject. Eject!
I didn't know that
you had a child.
I... listen... that's... I
think that's beautiful.
Really, I'm in awe of
single mothers, so...
I'm married.
Ooh!
You should've just ejected, man.
Why are you in awe
of single mothers?
I just think it's... it's
very brave to have a child,
especially at your age.
Well, I didn't set
out to have a baby.
Came from sex.
Right. Sure.
Uh, but you... you bravely
made the decision to
go through with it.
Well, I couldn't get a ride
to planned parenthood.
Well, if you ever need
one in the future.
Jonah, I'd prefer
if you didn't offer to
shuttle our employees
to the abortion clinic.
No, I meant rides in general.
What if it was just
for a pap smear?
Could I get a ride for that?
They recommend one a year,
but I like to go extra.
Make sure everything's
up to code.
Okay. I'm just gonna say it.
I'm fine with you
driving your coworkers
anywhere except the
abortion clinic.
Damn it, Glenn, you
cannot talk about
your personal feelings on
abortion in the workplace.
- I didn't bring up abortion.
- Oh, keep tempting me.
- He did!
- You are begging me to...
- I am allowed to say the word.
- I will write you up so hard!
Abortion! Abortion!
I'm recording this
entire conversation.
Abortion, abortion,
abortion, abortion!
- Thank you very much.
- You dug your own grave.
♪ ♪
I mean, it's kind of
unbelievable, right?
They're definitely
pretty similar.
Uh, I don't see it.
Now I get why you
looked familiar
when you started working here.
At first, I thought you were
this white dude from
my middle school
who wore his pants backwards
like kris kross,
but nah, you him.
I... I mean,
it's a mannequin of
a Caucasian male.
If that's what you see
when you look at me,
then maybe this is on you.
Nah, nah, nah, it's
more than that.
- It's the eyes...
- Yeah.
- The nose...
- Uh-huh.
And there's something
about that expression.
It just kind of makes
you want to...
Punch him in the face.
A little bit.
Yeah, I don't... okay. I'm
not seeing any of that.
I'm seeing... I mean, what?
If anything, he looks
like Tom Cruise, I guess?
You think you look
like Tom cruise?
- The mannequin...
- Somebody has a healthy ego!
I guess I look like
Denzel Washington.
Yeah, and I look
like Salma Hayek.
Come on, Denzel.
- Let's get back to work.
- Okay, Salma.
I just meant that's what
the mannequin looks...
Tom Cruise...
♪ ♪
It'd feel weird giving
my baby to a stranger,
but I also don't know if
I'm ready to be a mom.
I know the feeling.
I was 19 when I had Emma.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I just knew I wanted her to
have a better life than me.
Yeah.
I mean, who knows?
Maybe my baby could
grow up and be
an assistant manager someday.
Yeah, or, um, maybe you
could dream even bigger.
Well, Glenn's the manager.
Yeah.
Well, you don't have to make
the decision anytime soon.
And you know that if you want
to talk about it, I'm here.
Thanks.
I'm also here if you want
to talk about stuff.
I've raised a lot
of foster children.
Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.
That means a lot.
And if you do decide
that adoption
is the way you want to go
and you feel weird
about a stranger,
well, maybe Jerusha
and I could adopt it.
Really?
We've always wanted
a baby of our own.
I mean, foster children
are a blessing,
but it's as if you've
been driving used cars
your whole life.
Just once it would be nice to
experience a brand-new one,
straight from the factory,
that hasn't been all
dinged up, you know?
Okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.
We'll keep you in mind.
Great.
Of course, it's up to you.
Bye-bye.
It looks exactly like him.
Oh! Oh, hey, man. Meet
our new employee.
Jonah, meet Jonah.
He's got my... you put
my clothes on him.
That's funny. The
name tag, and...
So everybody thinks
he looks like me?
Eh, not exactly like you.
You're a little bit more like,
"Hey, it's me, Jonah. I
like to eat croissants."
Is that something I say?
It sounds like something
you would say.
Yeah, or like,
"Have you seen this documentary?
It will change your life."
Sounds kind of British.
"I pretend to like jazz, because
it makes me seem cultured."
"I'm Jonah. I peel
bananas weird."
Well, that's actually
a life hack.
So... The stems create a
natural holding stick.
That's why the monkeys do it.
It's, um... I saw that in a...
in a documentary.
♪ ♪
No, honey, not another
foster child.
This one would be
our very own baby.
Well, uh, she doesn't
know the sex yet,
but she did have a dream
where Channing tatum
told her it's a boy.
Oh, my gosh!
Word on the street is there's
a baby up for grabs.
Huh? Oh... oh.
Yeah.
We're just thinking,
maybe, about adoption.
It's a tough call.
I'm so young, and it's a
lot of responsibility,
but at the same time...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I'd like to throw
my hat in the ring.
You?
Yeah, a baby's been
part of my life plan
since I was ten.
I've got a crap load
of love to give.
Anyway, here are the facts:
I have a comfortable lap,
I can get a burp out of anybody,
and I already lactate
as a side effect
from some fungal
medication I'm taking.
Cool.
It is not cool.
It is disgusting, if you
want to know the truth,
but in this case, useful.
The point is, if you go
down the adoption road,
you could do a heck of
a lot worse than me.
Like Glenn, for instance.
He'd be a lot worse.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Uh, listen.
About all that mannequin
stuff, sorry.
Everyone was just
messing around.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I shouldn't have even reacted.
I'm still new here.
I don't want my thing to be
that I'm the sensitive one.
Your thing?
Yeah, like, you know,
Garrett's the cool one.
Glenn's the nice one.
Cheyenne's the perky, sweet one.
Carol's the one that says
"Hashtag" everything.
Which one am I?
You're the, uh, responsible one.
The responsible one?
In a good way!
You're like the house
mom of a frat.
Everybody loves her.
They just don't expect her
to be the life of the party.
Wow.
Oh, come on. Lighten up.
I'm just saying
you're not, like,
one to joke around all the time.
I mean, at least I can take
a little bit of teasing.
I can take teasing.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I had older brothers.
I... teasing does not faze me.
Oh, teasing doesn't
even faze you?
No, it doesn't at all.
I'm fine with it.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
That's good to know.
It is good to know.
Wh... why is that good to know?
What do you know?
You baited the bear, huh?
It's fine.
I think it's funny.
It's fine. I'm fine.
This is fine.
Why is he holding
the bananas wrong?
It's humans that
hold them wrong!
Okay.
I think that is all of our
princess party supplies.
I hope your cat has a
wonderful birthday.
Ah!
Call that teasing?
Because figure skating
is one of the few sports
that is also an art.
So, if anything, thank you.
♪ ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me help you with that.
Oh, thank you.
You might be carrying my baby.
Yeah, yours or Dina's.
What?
Dina said she might
be interested
in adopting my baby too.
Dina? Really?
Wow.
Well, whatever you
think is best.
Don't stress.
Bad for baby.
I love you, Mommy.
- Yah!
- Ha!
So that's what you would do
if your baby cried, huh?
Oh, I guess you've heard
I'll be raising
Cheyenne's child.
Oh, the "H" you will.
You don't know the first
thing about babies.
Do you even know how to swaddle?
I used to work
part-time at chipotle.
Same principle as a burrito.
Different wrapper and
different fillings.
Anyway, parenting's
just about instincts.
Oh, I've got instincts
for days, lady.
I've got instincts
up the w-a-z-o-o.
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
That was your baby.
She just got a concussion.
What? That's not even a real...
Oops. Skull fracture.
Okay, there's a
difference between...
You stop hurting my baby!
And then real Jonah
was standing next
to bride Jonah,
and it looked like real Jonah
was giving bride Jonah
away to the gorilla.
- Amazing.
- Oh, man.
So funny.
Garrett, finish the
shift assignments.
I love today.
I mean, I could do the
shift assignments,
or I could finish eating
my mac and cheese.
I wonder what I'll do.
- Could...
- Go on.
Okay. Let me just...
Oh...
Reggie, thanks for
looking at me weird.
I hope you like
the meat freezer.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Okay. Shift assignments.
Margie, who shushed me
this morning when I was singing.
Oh, look.
You are unpacking
stock in the freezer.
Derek, also in the freezer.
Rebecca, who is icy
to me, cosmetics.
Kidding!
Freezer!
Um, where's Amy?
Amy is busy.
And you just talked your
way into the freezer.
I love to get together
with my employees
and their baby daddies
from time to time.
You know, just so we can
all get to know each other
a little bit better.
Yeah, networking. Nice.
- Let's link it in, G.
- Yeah!
Listen; I apologize for
the mess on my desk.
So many family photos, you know?
Oh, here's one of me and
my kids at the beach.
Such a... such a special
moment to share.
Whoa! This chair's got wheels?
Damn, son! Living large.
What's up?
Thank you.
Glenn, if you're trying
to get us to choose you
over Dina, then...
not at all!
I mean, it's entirely
up to you guys, right?
Well, what are we talking?
Excuse me?
You know, like skrilla.
I'm sorry, what is...
that means money.
Bo, I don't think we
should sell our baby.
You'd like it if
it was your idea.
Aw, French fudge! Um...
I'm sorry. I have
to look into that.
Uh, but I'd be happy to, uh, you
know, discuss bribe money...
And skrilla.
- Yeah.
- Bribe skrilla?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! Come on!
Please!
Stop it! Come on!
Everything's fine, guys.
It's fine. Relax. Back up.
The alarm means it's too full!
The machine's just a little
stuck, and I've got to...
- Just need to get this into the...
- what... what have you done?
Glenn! Every... I'm so sorry.
- Oh, god!
- I... no... I didn't...
Oh, god! Who is that?
No! You monster!
It's nothing. It's nobody.
You monster! What have you done?
No, Glenn!
Oh, god!
Okay.
We're just gonna ask
you a few questions
to learn more about what
kind of parents you'd be,
so there's no right
or wrong answers.
Yeah, just speak
from the heart, yo.
Okay. First question.
Are you a pedophile?
- No.
- Definitely not.
Nice.
So far it's a tie.
Right.
I was trying to get
rid of the mannequin
because it was becoming
a distraction.
Just admit that my fun
pranks got to you,
and that maybe you're
the sensitive one.
No, there's a difference
between being sensitive
and being annoyed.
You would understand
if someone did the
same thing to you.
What?
Amy, what are you doing here?
No.
Jonah, that looks
nothing like me.
Oh.
Looks like I touched
a nerve, huh?
- No.
- Hey, look at this.
What is Amy doing here?
- That's supposed to be Amy?
- Yeah!
So sad.
Well, you totally nailed
the whole six foot tall,
blonde hair thing.
It's the best that I could find.
Or, as Amy would say...
I'm totally blanking right now.
You go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Go.
"I look like a
random white girl"?
Mm, nice try.
To get a sense of
what our child's life
would be like with you,
what's your neighborhood like?
Picket fences. Good schools.
Are you familiar with a
gang called "Los Guapos"?
It's their turf, but, uh,
we have an understanding.
So I assume that would
extend to my baby as well.
Okay, so if a baby does
poo-poo, would you, like,
wipe it front to back
or back to front?
Front... back to front.
Front to back. Front to back.
- What an amateur.
- Final answer!
No. Uh, boy or girl?
Yeah, write that. That was good.
Thanks.
Okay, so, uh, I'ma throw
you, like, a hypothetical.
Let's say you're, like,
dancing around the room,
and accidentally, you kick
the baby in the face.
How do you say you're
sorry about that?
Yo, Chief.
Hey, Garrett.
Check it out.
Shark attack.
Ooh, that's great. Hey.
I thought that you
should know that
there's nobody to let anyone
in the dressing rooms,
and it's starting to
get a little weird.
Well, where is Betty?
Yeah, Betty had said
something critical
about Lady Gaga,
so Mateo assigned her
to freezer duty.
Well, you know what?
Let somebody else
fix it for once.
This is your fault.
You're the one that
outsourced your job
'cause you're busy
with a work flirt.
Excuse me?
What? Work flirt? What
does that even mean?
Everybody does it. You flirt
a little bit at work.
- Pass the time.
- No.
I got, like, five or six
work flirts going on
at any given time.
Hey, Jennifer. What it do, boo?
Well, that's great
for you, Garrett,
but that is not
what is happening.
I am not flirting with Jonah.
This is because Jonah said
that I was the responsible one.
- No.
- Yes.
He called you responsible?
I know.
Well, then I
completely understand
why you are attaching a shark
to the severed leg
of a mannequin.
I think my best quality
as a parent is that
I'm a stable, loving,
married man.
So I don't have
groups of strange men
wandering through my
house every night.
It was one man, and not since
I installed the deadbolt.
Your brain's a deadbolt.
Yeah, well at least I don't
have foster children
that I raised
currently in prison.
It's a juvenile
correctional facility.
Look, I guess you just
have to ask yourselves,
do you want your child raised
in a home with loaded handguns
laying around?
Or do you want your
child raised by Glenn?
Do not point at me.
I'll point two
fingers back at you.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, yeah? Ha-ha!
- Okay, you know what?
- See?
That's a violation of
the code of conduct.
- Oh, is it a violation?
- It sure as heck is.
- Oh, really?
- Yep.
- Who put that in there?
- I did!
I said I'm sorry. What
else do you want?
It's just careless
to go around saying
things like that.
This is how rumors get started.
I was just saying you were
being a little flirty.
I didn't say you were
banging in the break room.
Come on! Help me out here.
Whoa!
Oh, hey, guys.
Now, that is how
rumors get started.
♪
This is not how it looks.
Really?
'Cause it looks like
you got a sex doll
and you dressing it
up to look like Amy.
- Yeah.
- No.
See, that sounds stalker-y,
whereas I specifically
bought this doll
because it already
looked like Amy.
I'm walking away.
Oh, good. More people.
- Oh, my god!
- Is that supposed to be Amy?
- No.
- Yes, yes.
I wanted to get back at Amy,
and there are no
mannequins in the store
that look remotely like her.
Which, can we talk about
that for a second?
Why are there no spanish/latina
themed mannequins?
Oh, no, no, no, we not
talking about that.
Let's talk about this.
Jonah, what is happening?
Do you own one of each of us?
No!
I went to a bunch of
different stores over lunch,
and then I just happened
to pass this in the window
of a sex shop, and look,
it looks just like Amy.
All: Whoa!
- Yeah, it does.
- Ew!
Jonah, can you cover
that up, please?
It's completely inappropriate.
All: Oh!
- Problem solved.
- Are you kidding me?
This is not a sexual thing.
Amy, you've got a good butt.
Cheyenne?
We, uh... we let things
get a little out of hand before.
The important thing is,
we are here for you
no matter what,
and we want to do
whatever's best
for your child.
So that's why we've
agreed to share custody.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
We're gonna alternate
nights and weekends.
Yeah, and if both of
us have to work late,
then someone else can
go home with it.
Jonah. Amy.
Garrett. We'd all trade off.
Like the class hamster
each child gets a
turn taking care of,
this would be kind
of the store baby.
Exactly.
Thank you so much,
but I think Bo and I
are gonna keep it.
You sure?
Think what's best for the baby.
That's what I'm doing.
And you know what?
I think we're gonna be fine.
So this whole day was a
waste of my time, then.
Hey. Glad I caught you.
What is this?
That is a receipt,
which is proof that I
returned the doll.
Uh-huh. Wow.
You paid a $400 restocking fee.
Yeah, it was actually
more than the doll cost.
Um, apparently there's not
a huge after market
for used sex dolls.
Ew.
Anyway, I figured out what
today was really about.
You did?
Mm-hmm.
Did Garrett talk to you?
Because that is ridiculous.
That is not what we...
you were hazing me.
Yeah.
Yeah, hazing.
That's... it's what
we do to everybody.
You got me. You got me.
I mean, it got a little out
of control, but you passed.
I passed! I passed
the initiation.
Congrats.
So I'm, uh, part
of the group now.
- Yep, welcome, officially.
- Thank you.
All right.
I'll, uh... I'll
see you tomorrow.
Yep, we'll see
everyone tomorrow.
Right there, big ol' wheels.
Oh, this could be bangin'.
- How about this one?
- Oh, yeah.
We trick this thing
out right, you know?
Get my uncle to throw some
tint up on the sides here,
so we don't have, like,
people peeping in
on shorty's little
business going on here?
Yeah.
Big daddy in the
house, right here.
Shorty by the side.
Stand back. We're
taking this for a ride.
Yo, wagwan, selecta,
dissin' on my corruption
and don't you know here.
Boy!
Yeah.
Being a dad and.
What's up?
Taking a well-earned
break with my coworkers.
I feel like I'm finally
fitting in here.
You don't get to decide
when you're fitting in.
We'll let you know.
I'm just saying... I'm
getting used to it.
Ugh.
Not getting used to
standing all day.
That's not a problem
I have to deal with.
Yeah, well, lucky
you, my friend.
Not luck... lucky...
not lucky you.
That's... I don't
think you're lucky.
So you think I'm unlucky?
Not... well... you
know what I mean.
That's an... it's an expression.
Why don't you just
eject right now?
You know, it's so weird
that your feet hurt,
because every time I see you,
I feel like you're sitting.
Try doing this job
six months pregnant.
Yeah, seriously. That's brutal.
I didn't know you
were pregnant too.
I was when I was 19.
Then I gave birth
to my daughter.
So I'm not pregnant now, but
thank you for thinking so.
I didn't mean you look pregnant.
- I just meant...
- Eject. Eject!
I didn't know that
you had a child.
I... listen... that's... I
think that's beautiful.
Really, I'm in awe of
single mothers, so...
I'm married.
Ooh!
You should've just ejected, man.
Why are you in awe
of single mothers?
I just think it's... it's
very brave to have a child,
especially at your age.
Well, I didn't set
out to have a baby.
Came from sex.
Right. Sure.
Uh, but you... you bravely
made the decision to
go through with it.
Well, I couldn't get a ride
to planned parenthood.
Well, if you ever need
one in the future.
Jonah, I'd prefer
if you didn't offer to
shuttle our employees
to the abortion clinic.
No, I meant rides in general.
What if it was just
for a pap smear?
Could I get a ride for that?
They recommend one a year,
but I like to go extra.
Make sure everything's
up to code.
Okay. I'm just gonna say it.
I'm fine with you
driving your coworkers
anywhere except the
abortion clinic.
Damn it, Glenn, you
cannot talk about
your personal feelings on
abortion in the workplace.
- I didn't bring up abortion.
- Oh, keep tempting me.
- He did!
- You are begging me to...
- I am allowed to say the word.
- I will write you up so hard!
Abortion! Abortion!
I'm recording this
entire conversation.
Abortion, abortion,
abortion, abortion!
- Thank you very much.
- You dug your own grave.
♪ ♪
I mean, it's kind of
unbelievable, right?
They're definitely
pretty similar.
Uh, I don't see it.
Now I get why you
looked familiar
when you started working here.
At first, I thought you were
this white dude from
my middle school
who wore his pants backwards
like kris kross,
but nah, you him.
I... I mean,
it's a mannequin of
a Caucasian male.
If that's what you see
when you look at me,
then maybe this is on you.
Nah, nah, nah, it's
more than that.
- It's the eyes...
- Yeah.
- The nose...
- Uh-huh.
And there's something
about that expression.
It just kind of makes
you want to...
Punch him in the face.
A little bit.
Yeah, I don't... okay. I'm
not seeing any of that.
I'm seeing... I mean, what?
If anything, he looks
like Tom Cruise, I guess?
You think you look
like Tom cruise?
- The mannequin...
- Somebody has a healthy ego!
I guess I look like
Denzel Washington.
Yeah, and I look
like Salma Hayek.
Come on, Denzel.
- Let's get back to work.
- Okay, Salma.
I just meant that's what
the mannequin looks...
Tom Cruise...
♪ ♪
It'd feel weird giving
my baby to a stranger,
but I also don't know if
I'm ready to be a mom.
I know the feeling.
I was 19 when I had Emma.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I just knew I wanted her to
have a better life than me.
Yeah.
I mean, who knows?
Maybe my baby could
grow up and be
an assistant manager someday.
Yeah, or, um, maybe you
could dream even bigger.
Well, Glenn's the manager.
Yeah.
Well, you don't have to make
the decision anytime soon.
And you know that if you want
to talk about it, I'm here.
Thanks.
I'm also here if you want
to talk about stuff.
I've raised a lot
of foster children.
Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.
That means a lot.
And if you do decide
that adoption
is the way you want to go
and you feel weird
about a stranger,
well, maybe Jerusha
and I could adopt it.
Really?
We've always wanted
a baby of our own.
I mean, foster children
are a blessing,
but it's as if you've
been driving used cars
your whole life.
Just once it would be nice to
experience a brand-new one,
straight from the factory,
that hasn't been all
dinged up, you know?
Okay. Well, thanks, Glenn.
We'll keep you in mind.
Great.
Of course, it's up to you.
Bye-bye.
It looks exactly like him.
Oh! Oh, hey, man. Meet
our new employee.
Jonah, meet Jonah.
He's got my... you put
my clothes on him.
That's funny. The
name tag, and...
So everybody thinks
he looks like me?
Eh, not exactly like you.
You're a little bit more like,
"Hey, it's me, Jonah. I
like to eat croissants."
Is that something I say?
It sounds like something
you would say.
Yeah, or like,
"Have you seen this documentary?
It will change your life."
Sounds kind of British.
"I pretend to like jazz, because
it makes me seem cultured."
"I'm Jonah. I peel
bananas weird."
Well, that's actually
a life hack.
So... The stems create a
natural holding stick.
That's why the monkeys do it.
It's, um... I saw that in a...
in a documentary.
♪ ♪
No, honey, not another
foster child.
This one would be
our very own baby.
Well, uh, she doesn't
know the sex yet,
but she did have a dream
where Channing tatum
told her it's a boy.
Oh, my gosh!
Word on the street is there's
a baby up for grabs.
Huh? Oh... oh.
Yeah.
We're just thinking,
maybe, about adoption.
It's a tough call.
I'm so young, and it's a
lot of responsibility,
but at the same time...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I'd like to throw
my hat in the ring.
You?
Yeah, a baby's been
part of my life plan
since I was ten.
I've got a crap load
of love to give.
Anyway, here are the facts:
I have a comfortable lap,
I can get a burp out of anybody,
and I already lactate
as a side effect
from some fungal
medication I'm taking.
Cool.
It is not cool.
It is disgusting, if you
want to know the truth,
but in this case, useful.
The point is, if you go
down the adoption road,
you could do a heck of
a lot worse than me.
Like Glenn, for instance.
He'd be a lot worse.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Uh, listen.
About all that mannequin
stuff, sorry.
Everyone was just
messing around.
Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
I shouldn't have even reacted.
I'm still new here.
I don't want my thing to be
that I'm the sensitive one.
Your thing?
Yeah, like, you know,
Garrett's the cool one.
Glenn's the nice one.
Cheyenne's the perky, sweet one.
Carol's the one that says
"Hashtag" everything.
Which one am I?
You're the, uh, responsible one.
The responsible one?
In a good way!
You're like the house
mom of a frat.
Everybody loves her.
They just don't expect her
to be the life of the party.
Wow.
Oh, come on. Lighten up.
I'm just saying
you're not, like,
one to joke around all the time.
I mean, at least I can take
a little bit of teasing.
I can take teasing.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I had older brothers.
I... teasing does not faze me.
Oh, teasing doesn't
even faze you?
No, it doesn't at all.
I'm fine with it.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
That's good to know.
It is good to know.
Wh... why is that good to know?
What do you know?
You baited the bear, huh?
It's fine.
I think it's funny.
It's fine. I'm fine.
This is fine.
Why is he holding
the bananas wrong?
It's humans that
hold them wrong!
Okay.
I think that is all of our
princess party supplies.
I hope your cat has a
wonderful birthday.
Ah!
Call that teasing?
Because figure skating
is one of the few sports
that is also an art.
So, if anything, thank you.
♪ ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me help you with that.
Oh, thank you.
You might be carrying my baby.
Yeah, yours or Dina's.
What?
Dina said she might
be interested
in adopting my baby too.
Dina? Really?
Wow.
Well, whatever you
think is best.
Don't stress.
Bad for baby.
I love you, Mommy.
- Yah!
- Ha!
So that's what you would do
if your baby cried, huh?
Oh, I guess you've heard
I'll be raising
Cheyenne's child.
Oh, the "H" you will.
You don't know the first
thing about babies.
Do you even know how to swaddle?
I used to work
part-time at chipotle.
Same principle as a burrito.
Different wrapper and
different fillings.
Anyway, parenting's
just about instincts.
Oh, I've got instincts
for days, lady.
I've got instincts
up the w-a-z-o-o.
- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.
That was your baby.
She just got a concussion.
What? That's not even a real...
Oops. Skull fracture.
Okay, there's a
difference between...
You stop hurting my baby!
And then real Jonah
was standing next
to bride Jonah,
and it looked like real Jonah
was giving bride Jonah
away to the gorilla.
- Amazing.
- Oh, man.
So funny.
Garrett, finish the
shift assignments.
I love today.
I mean, I could do the
shift assignments,
or I could finish eating
my mac and cheese.
I wonder what I'll do.
- Could...
- Go on.
Okay. Let me just...
Oh...
Reggie, thanks for
looking at me weird.
I hope you like
the meat freezer.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Okay. Shift assignments.
Margie, who shushed me
this morning when I was singing.
Oh, look.
You are unpacking
stock in the freezer.
Derek, also in the freezer.
Rebecca, who is icy
to me, cosmetics.
Kidding!
Freezer!
Um, where's Amy?
Amy is busy.
And you just talked your
way into the freezer.
I love to get together
with my employees
and their baby daddies
from time to time.
You know, just so we can
all get to know each other
a little bit better.
Yeah, networking. Nice.
- Let's link it in, G.
- Yeah!
Listen; I apologize for
the mess on my desk.
So many family photos, you know?
Oh, here's one of me and
my kids at the beach.
Such a... such a special
moment to share.
Whoa! This chair's got wheels?
Damn, son! Living large.
What's up?
Thank you.
Glenn, if you're trying
to get us to choose you
over Dina, then...
not at all!
I mean, it's entirely
up to you guys, right?
Well, what are we talking?
Excuse me?
You know, like skrilla.
I'm sorry, what is...
that means money.
Bo, I don't think we
should sell our baby.
You'd like it if
it was your idea.
Aw, French fudge! Um...
I'm sorry. I have
to look into that.
Uh, but I'd be happy to, uh, you
know, discuss bribe money...
And skrilla.
- Yeah.
- Bribe skrilla?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! Come on!
Please!
Stop it! Come on!
Everything's fine, guys.
It's fine. Relax. Back up.
The alarm means it's too full!
The machine's just a little
stuck, and I've got to...
- Just need to get this into the...
- what... what have you done?
Glenn! Every... I'm so sorry.
- Oh, god!
- I... no... I didn't...
Oh, god! Who is that?
No! You monster!
It's nothing. It's nobody.
You monster! What have you done?
No, Glenn!
Oh, god!
Okay.
We're just gonna ask
you a few questions
to learn more about what
kind of parents you'd be,
so there's no right
or wrong answers.
Yeah, just speak
from the heart, yo.
Okay. First question.
Are you a pedophile?
- No.
- Definitely not.
Nice.
So far it's a tie.
Right.
I was trying to get
rid of the mannequin
because it was becoming
a distraction.
Just admit that my fun
pranks got to you,
and that maybe you're
the sensitive one.
No, there's a difference
between being sensitive
and being annoyed.
You would understand
if someone did the
same thing to you.
What?
Amy, what are you doing here?
No.
Jonah, that looks
nothing like me.
Oh.
Looks like I touched
a nerve, huh?
- No.
- Hey, look at this.
What is Amy doing here?
- That's supposed to be Amy?
- Yeah!
So sad.
Well, you totally nailed
the whole six foot tall,
blonde hair thing.
It's the best that I could find.
Or, as Amy would say...
I'm totally blanking right now.
You go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Go.
"I look like a
random white girl"?
Mm, nice try.
To get a sense of
what our child's life
would be like with you,
what's your neighborhood like?
Picket fences. Good schools.
Are you familiar with a
gang called "Los Guapos"?
It's their turf, but, uh,
we have an understanding.
So I assume that would
extend to my baby as well.
Okay, so if a baby does
poo-poo, would you, like,
wipe it front to back
or back to front?
Front... back to front.
Front to back. Front to back.
- What an amateur.
- Final answer!
No. Uh, boy or girl?
Yeah, write that. That was good.
Thanks.
Okay, so, uh, I'ma throw
you, like, a hypothetical.
Let's say you're, like,
dancing around the room,
and accidentally, you kick
the baby in the face.
How do you say you're
sorry about that?
Yo, Chief.
Hey, Garrett.
Check it out.
Shark attack.
Ooh, that's great. Hey.
I thought that you
should know that
there's nobody to let anyone
in the dressing rooms,
and it's starting to
get a little weird.
Well, where is Betty?
Yeah, Betty had said
something critical
about Lady Gaga,
so Mateo assigned her
to freezer duty.
Well, you know what?
Let somebody else
fix it for once.
This is your fault.
You're the one that
outsourced your job
'cause you're busy
with a work flirt.
Excuse me?
What? Work flirt? What
does that even mean?
Everybody does it. You flirt
a little bit at work.
- Pass the time.
- No.
I got, like, five or six
work flirts going on
at any given time.
Hey, Jennifer. What it do, boo?
Well, that's great
for you, Garrett,
but that is not
what is happening.
I am not flirting with Jonah.
This is because Jonah said
that I was the responsible one.
- No.
- Yes.
He called you responsible?
I know.
Well, then I
completely understand
why you are attaching a shark
to the severed leg
of a mannequin.
I think my best quality
as a parent is that
I'm a stable, loving,
married man.
So I don't have
groups of strange men
wandering through my
house every night.
It was one man, and not since
I installed the deadbolt.
Your brain's a deadbolt.
Yeah, well at least I don't
have foster children
that I raised
currently in prison.
It's a juvenile
correctional facility.
Look, I guess you just
have to ask yourselves,
do you want your child raised
in a home with loaded handguns
laying around?
Or do you want your
child raised by Glenn?
Do not point at me.
I'll point two
fingers back at you.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Oh, yeah? Ha-ha!
- Okay, you know what?
- See?
That's a violation of
the code of conduct.
- Oh, is it a violation?
- It sure as heck is.
- Oh, really?
- Yep.
- Who put that in there?
- I did!
I said I'm sorry. What
else do you want?
It's just careless
to go around saying
things like that.
This is how rumors get started.
I was just saying you were
being a little flirty.
I didn't say you were
banging in the break room.
Come on! Help me out here.
Whoa!
Oh, hey, guys.
Now, that is how
rumors get started.
♪
This is not how it looks.
Really?
'Cause it looks like
you got a sex doll
and you dressing it
up to look like Amy.
- Yeah.
- No.
See, that sounds stalker-y,
whereas I specifically
bought this doll
because it already
looked like Amy.
I'm walking away.
Oh, good. More people.
- Oh, my god!
- Is that supposed to be Amy?
- No.
- Yes, yes.
I wanted to get back at Amy,
and there are no
mannequins in the store
that look remotely like her.
Which, can we talk about
that for a second?
Why are there no spanish/latina
themed mannequins?
Oh, no, no, no, we not
talking about that.
Let's talk about this.
Jonah, what is happening?
Do you own one of each of us?
No!
I went to a bunch of
different stores over lunch,
and then I just happened
to pass this in the window
of a sex shop, and look,
it looks just like Amy.
All: Whoa!
- Yeah, it does.
- Ew!
Jonah, can you cover
that up, please?
It's completely inappropriate.
All: Oh!
- Problem solved.
- Are you kidding me?
This is not a sexual thing.
Amy, you've got a good butt.
Cheyenne?
We, uh... we let things
get a little out of hand before.
The important thing is,
we are here for you
no matter what,
and we want to do
whatever's best
for your child.
So that's why we've
agreed to share custody.
- Huh?
- Yeah.
We're gonna alternate
nights and weekends.
Yeah, and if both of
us have to work late,
then someone else can
go home with it.
Jonah. Amy.
Garrett. We'd all trade off.
Like the class hamster
each child gets a
turn taking care of,
this would be kind
of the store baby.
Exactly.
Thank you so much,
but I think Bo and I
are gonna keep it.
You sure?
Think what's best for the baby.
That's what I'm doing.
And you know what?
I think we're gonna be fine.
So this whole day was a
waste of my time, then.
Hey. Glad I caught you.
What is this?
That is a receipt,
which is proof that I
returned the doll.
Uh-huh. Wow.
You paid a $400 restocking fee.
Yeah, it was actually
more than the doll cost.
Um, apparently there's not
a huge after market
for used sex dolls.
Ew.
Anyway, I figured out what
today was really about.
You did?
Mm-hmm.
Did Garrett talk to you?
Because that is ridiculous.
That is not what we...
you were hazing me.
Yeah.
Yeah, hazing.
That's... it's what
we do to everybody.
You got me. You got me.
I mean, it got a little out
of control, but you passed.
I passed! I passed
the initiation.
Congrats.
So I'm, uh, part
of the group now.
- Yep, welcome, officially.
- Thank you.
All right.
I'll, uh... I'll
see you tomorrow.
Yep, we'll see
everyone tomorrow.
Right there, big ol' wheels.
Oh, this could be bangin'.
- How about this one?
- Oh, yeah.
We trick this thing
out right, you know?
Get my uncle to throw some
tint up on the sides here,
so we don't have, like,
people peeping in
on shorty's little
business going on here?
Yeah.
Big daddy in the
house, right here.
Shorty by the side.
Stand back. We're
taking this for a ride.
Yo, wagwan, selecta,
dissin' on my corruption
and don't you know here.
Boy!
Yeah.
Being a dad and.
What's up?