Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Christmas Show - full transcript
Matt gets the Christmas Spirit (despite being Jewish). Jordan gets an OB exam. Jack gets upset over an FCC fine. Simon and Tom get pedantic about the origins of Christmas traditions, and take the writing staff with them. Cal gets coconuts. Harriet gets a major movie role and a kiss. Danny gets the courage to tell Jordan how he feels (Jordan gets a sandwich). Santa gets identified as a predator (sketch). Wilson gets what he's been waiting for all his life. New Orleans Jazz gets a few minutes of air time and a standing ovation. The viewers get a few laughs, a few tears, and a Merry Christmas.
Previously on Studio 60...
On Monday I'm going to start to build a city in China
There?s an American consortium
TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand?.
We're investing 20 billion dollars in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
We're this close...
I just drove us 99 yards down the field. Take it the last yard.
Put it in the damn house!
THE CHRISTMAS SHOW
It?s strange that you?re here.
I don?t think so.
Really?
There are lots of men here.
They?re the fathers.
You think all of them?
Excuse me.
Are there any men here who are neither the husband nor the father?
Get your hand down.
?At 12 weeks a healthy baby would be about 2 inches long and weigh less than an ounce.
- If you?re under 35 -?
- I?m under 35.
- This is no time for vanity.
- I?m under 35.
All right, so you?re under 35.
Then you?re not considered a high-risk mother and as a result no? what?s that word?
Amniocentesis.
Good. No amniocentesis is required. If you were under 35,
then what we?ve gotta do is
stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach and get some fluid out of your prenatal girth.
Why are you here?
- Morale.
- I really don?t need help.
Not now, but you will soon, because this says you?re going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles
to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
- Danny.
- Wait, that can?t be you.
No.
That?s an Alaskan king crab that has to do that.
Yeah.
Why won?t you tell me who the father is?
- You don?t know him.
- I don?t want to know him.
How do you know?
Because if it was someone I wanted to know, he?d be here.
What makes you think I told him?
?Cause I do know you.
Jordan?
Thank you.
Yes, I told him.
?Well, it?s entirely up to you, kitten ??
Yeah.
??but I?ll pay for everything; no worries in that department.?
You can step behind the partition and put on this gown.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
So, who was it?
My ex-boyfriend.
Whoa.
Yes.
Wait.
Ironic.
The guy from Great Western Mutual who ratted me out on the drug test?
Yep.
Was sleeping with him to get that information really worth it?
I didn?t sleep with him to get the information;
He gave me the information so he could sleep with me.
Still, integrity all over the place.
This is the time for a lecture?
No, that was about twelve weeks ago.
By the way, did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jagermeister
and forget that there?s like 500 different types of birth control?
Jordan.
How are you?
- Daniel Tripp.
- Ah, the husband.
We?re not married.
The boyfriend, then.
No, I?m the executive producer.
- Oh, hey, you?re Danny Tripp.
- Yes, sir.
- The show?s great.
- Thanks a lot.
I just...
...love Nicholas Cage in all the different jobs you?ve got him in?
ah, what is it? couples? counselor, shop teacher?
Thanks, I?ll pass that along.
Uh, fellas? I?m a little exposed here.
Let?s get started.
You?re not planning on staying and watching, are you?
No, this stuff makes me a little queasy.
I?m just going to step over here, but I?m right here for you.
I don?t know how I got so lucky.
There is a small chance
we can determine the sex on ultrasound.
- Are you interested?
- No.
Yes!
No!
Yes!
NO!
She?ll take yes.
And by the way, Doc, if you don?t detect any maleness on the first pass, don?t necessarily assume it?s a girl.
The biological father?s only a fraction of a man to begin with.
- Is that right?
- Stop it.
He?s an executive at my studio?s insurance company.
He gave Jordan privileged information in order to sleep with her.
He?s a real stand-up guy, though, he offered to pay for everything.
Oh, jackass.
Thank you, sir.
Have you told anyone?
Just my assistant Kevin, that?s it.
And Mr. Tripp.
I had to tell him.
She wanted to.
I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn?t going to force a B-12 injection on me.
You just described the beginning of every great love story.
No one else knows?
You don?t tell people until after the 12th week, and this is the 12th week.
Well, guess what?
What?
Start telling people.
We?re having a baby?
I?m having a baby.
Relax, you?ll be involved.
Synch : Nuwanda
Transcript : jackoweskla
Good morning.
Everybody have a good weekend?
Yeah.
Matt?
- Yeah?
- What?s that?
It?s a Christmas tree.
- Really.
- Yeah.
What are you, Linus?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
Okay, Ebenezer.
First of all, all Christmas trees are dead; they?ve been chopped down. Second of all,
I forgive you for slagging my tree, for I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Andy
what have we got?
We have a Year in Review theme.
Okay.
Lucy.
Uh, something where the Yugoslavians honor all the famous people who died in 2006
and it?s just a series of glamour shots of Milosevic.
Maybe.
- Killer spinach on trial.
- Okay.
A day without a Mexican, ?Brokeback Mountain??
Kim Jong Il?
Okay. But what about
Christmas?
What about it?
It?s our Christmas show.
Yeah, I thought we?d ignore that.
- Why?
- ?Cause Wes always ignored it.
I know he did, but you know why?
?Cause it?s L.A. and it?s 85 degrees outside.
We?re doing a Christmas show.
L.A. just doesn?t feel like Christmas.
We?re going to make it feel like Christmas.
We can put your tree on the stage and it?ll be just like Dickensian London.
Hey, that happens to be a noble fir. Those things grow to be over 200 feet tall!
Yeah, I don?t think that one?s gonna make it.
How is it that I?m Jewish and I?m the only one with Christmas spirit?
Come to think of it, how is it that I?m the only Jew in a comedy writers? room?
All good questions, but take some advice from your Protestant brothers:
let?s do the Year in Review and screw Christmas.
Screw Christmas?
- Uh oh.
- Not on my watch!
Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else,
but I have to work here because in any other part of the country I?m unemployable.
So, we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I want to hear sketch ideas with Santa
and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
- Hey, we could set the tree on ?
- Shut up!
Hey.
How are ya?
Good. You know anybody who got hit in the earthquake?
There was an earthquake?
4.1, about 10 miles northwest of Fontana.
About a dozen injuries and some houses came down, but the real damage was to the freeway.
- The 10?
- Yeah
What happened to it?
Well, it split in half, basically. There was like a 15 foot chasm.
It?s a miracle no car fell head-first into the thing.
A Christmas miracle.
Thats right!
You know, Wes never did a Christmas show.
I know, he always thought it was cheesy from L.A.
- It doesn?t have to be.
- It doesn?t have to be!
This is a TV studio; we can do any kind of magic we want.
We could do the magic of Christmas.
We absolutely can.
I don?t have anything written yet, but we?re gonna need a lot of snow.
That could be a problem.
- Why?
- ?Cause our set-dressing warehouses are in Fontana.
- And?
- They collapsed.
Really.
Well, not all the way. But enough.
Thanks for showing up to work.
What are you doing?
Trying to find out if anyone who works here is injured or dead.
Everyone?s fine.
A couple warehouses came down.
Those things are made out of Jiffy-Pop. They?ll be back up again at the end of the week.
But in the mean time, we need snow.
What?s he talking about?
The three of us are going to bring some holiday romance to this city.
I?m the miracle on the Sunset Strip, and you?re, you know, two other guys.
Thank you.
Excellent
- Seriously.
- I?m with you.
Our snow is one of those warehouses.
Can we make our own?
- Sure!
- How?
Bubbles?
Sure, if this were a Don Ho Christmas. Do we really need snow?
Yeah, we need snow! We need snowbanks, snowmen, snowballs ?
Snowballs!
What about them?
The, uh, the things!
The, uh, pink marshmallows with the, uh, coconut on top...Shaved coconut!
Beautiful. And they?re indigenous to L.A.
No, they?re not.
They grow on palm trees!
Not ours.
- What do ours do?
- Nothing.
This city needs me.
Yeah, we all do. Listen, close the door, would you?
The reason I was late this morning is I was at the doctor?s.
- What?s wrong?
- Nothing, I'm fine.
I?m fine. It was an OB/GYN.
Jordan?s pregnant.
- You?re kidding.
- You?re kidding.
- No.
- Who?s the father?
The guy from the insurance company who outed me.
Wow.
Yeah. He wants to pay for it, but that?s it, so
I?m going to have him shove his wallet up his ass.
- Danny?
- Yeah.
Why were you at the doctor?
- Hm?
- Why were you at the doctor?
I wanted to be.
How?s his mood?
SON OF A HOLY BITCH!
Never mind.
SON OF A HOLY, GOD-FORSAKEN BITCH!
I?m gonna get a gun.
I swear to God I am!
- Take your medicine.
- There is no medicine!
There is no law!
What happened?
We did the news.
Which, by the way, we?re required by the federal government to do, that?s been the deal.
We get free use of the airwaves to broadcast your entertainment shows, in exchange for which we provide the public
with informational programming.
We call that the ?NBS Nightly News?.
At the moment we?re fighting two wars, so the news division thinks we should cover that, and I agree with them!
What happened, Jack?
An embedded reporter did a live remote last night about school rebuilding in Charikar, Afghanistan.
Our guy?s interviewing a private
when an RPG screams over their head.
What?s an RPG?
A rocket propelled grenade.
It explodes into the rocks, and the private shouts a word.
What word?
A word I don?t use with women.
- He said ?f??
- Yes.
Same word anyone would use.
Same word Mr. Rogers would use if a rocket propelled grenade missed him by 50 feet.
Don?t tell me.
The FCC says it was indecent.
They?re going to fine us $325,000 per affiliate that aired the news report!
- That?s insane!
- No kidding.
It was a live news report!
You have to understand
that pro-family groups support our troops in this time of war
just as long as we don?t have to see or hear what our troops fighting a war looks and sounds like.
What do you need?
Well, I wanted to tell you
that I?m pregnant.
I?m pregnant; I?m, I?m due in the middle of May.
What?
I?m pregnant?
You?re having a baby?
Yes.
That?s fantastic.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Who?s the father?
An old boyfriend I got together with for a night.
- It?s not very, you know?
- I?m sorry I yelled.
- Have a seat.
- Fight ?em, Jack!
Take them to federal court; it?s a First Amendment issue!
First Amendment doesn?t apply to broadcast television.
They?ll look ridiculous in public and they?ll back down.
- Says you.
- They will.
If they don?t, they?ll pull our transponder license, the one we use to beam our programs to the affiliates.
Then they?ll take the licenses from the affiliates?
they?ll end the network.
It?s the news, Jack. Lawyer up.
Congratulations on the baby.
Merry Christmas!
- Oh, God, I?m sorry!
- What are you doing?
I was going to throw my beach stuff in the laundry.
- When were you at the beach?
- Yesterday.
Isn?t the sand on the floor now?
That?s better than a broken washing machine.
Wouldn?t shaking the sand out of the towel back at the beach be the best of all, and could we turn off
?Hot Fun in the Summertime??
Sure, what would you like to listen to?
Mr. Bing Crosby, Mr. Burl Ives?
- Perry Como.
- Mr. Perry Como, wait. Was that a..
dig at Christmas?
At you.
Okay. Am I still on for racquetball at lunch?
No, you?re not. Zane?s out sick the whole week.
- Oh, man.
- You want me to find you someone else?
It?s not the racquetball, it?s his trumpet. We?re not going to have his trumpet?
- Hey!
- What do you know?
Go ahead and write in all the snow you want; we just bought a truckload of coconuts.
Excellent.
Hey, did you hear Zane?s out for the week?
Yeah, but Willy says he?s got a good sub.
- Hey, you wanted us?
- Yeah.
- I?ll see ya!
- Yeah.
Turn it off.
What?d?you need?
Any Christmas ideas you might have.
There?s no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Jesus was born in North Africa.
How come in paintings it always looks like he?s one of the Bee-Gees?
All right, Christmas ideas that don?t shriek of meanness.
Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people.
Perhaps, but this is about everyone raising a glass of wassail.
Of what?
Wassail. ?Here we go a-wassailing??
It was a comet.
- What?
- The star.
Of Bethlehem; they saw a comet and they went to the manger with a lamb
a camel
- and a kid with a fife.
- A drum!
A boy on a drum! A little drummer, there?s a whole song.
It doesn?t matter; go downstairs and help these guys pitch me.
This could be a good chance to let Lucy get to know me.
He likes Lucy now.
With the eyes and the face and everything.
She?s got a great face.
Hey, step back.
What, I like her face!
Aren?t you about a hundred years old?
Aren?t you only marginally talented?
All right, Santa?s helpers? Out the door.
It?s a great face, but the mouth?
I will beat you up.
Hah hah, good one, Tommy. You?re as cute as a button.
Mondays, it?s like the dementia grows by?
I?m not even talking to anybody right now. Suzanne!
Yeah
I called K-Earth 101, I told them Matthew Albie wants to hear some Perry Como.
- You didn?t.
- Nah, Christmas joke.
Can you get me Harriet?
She?s out at lunch with Luke Scott.
All right.
Wait, what?
What kind of jerk has their agent set up a lunch?
Well, I don?t know, Harriet, what kind of jerks are there?
I mean, what are my choices?
I should have said no.
- But you didn?t.
- It?s Christmas.
What are your plans?
Well, we?re off until the second week in January
so Jeannie and Samantha and I rented a little place in Idaho and I?m gonna take skiing lessons.
I didn?t mean for the holidays, I meant for the future.
What do you mean?
What are your plans for the future?
Really just the show Friday night, and then the skiing lessons, and then the next show.
How about a movie?
I?d love to. I can?t on weeknights, but pretty much every Saturday or Sunday is fine.
Yeah, or we could make a movie.
Are you offering me a job?
Welcome to the lunch. Yes.
You talking about the Rolling Stones movie, or something else?
It?s not the Rolling Stones, it?s Brian Jones, who formed the Rolling Stones.
His girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg,
ran off with Keith Richards.
Heath Ledger?s playing the part.
And you want me to play Tammy Wynette?
No
I want you to play Anita Pallenberg.
You know, sometimes it?s hard to tell with you, Luke, when you?re kidding ?
You?ve got an ability well beyond comedy.
I?ve boarded you for 20 shooting days which would spread across your hiatus weeks and
you?d get an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress.
Are you still mad at how the agent set up the lunch?
Here?s what we have so far:
One of Santa?s reindeer, mildly traumatized by an accident last year,
is reluctant to pull the sleigh, and so Santa brings in the Reindeer Whisperer.
That's fantastic! Lucy, I love that idea, I want to do it.
I want to go with you guys to Matt and Danny.
It was Darius? pitch.
Then let me tell you why it?s iffy. The Horse Whisperer was, like, 10 years ago.
I tell you what else, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer got their names wrong
It?s not Donner, it?s Dunder.
And Blixum, not Blixen.
We Three Wise Guys. The characters from ?GoodFellas? on camels.
Hang on. It?s not Dunder.
?And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
?On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen.
On Comet, on Cupid, on Dunder and Blixen.?
That was ?Twas the Night Before Christmas,
a white guy writing a song for Montgomery Ward screwed up the names.
And ?Twas the Night Before Christmas was written by Jesse Jackson?
We Three Wise Guys ?
Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three of them.
There was never a camel, they didn?t travel from afar, it was six miles.
And everything in the song was wrong.
It was Lucy?s pitch.
Beautiful job, babe.
Simon
tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Okay, cool, why don?t you tell her about the time when everybody thought you were gay in high school?
It?s a big help having you guys here.
Check it out.
We really do need to work.
We?re going to make some prototype snow.
Excellent.
How do you open a coconut?
It?s actually pretty hard, they do it with, like, a machete.
Nah.
Stand back
Pieces might fly!
?Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to double his country?s population to 120 million people.
In a recent speech to Parliament, Ahmadinejad ? ?
She?s got the slightest little overbite.
We dipped in the frame twice.
Isn?t that cute?
Howie may have been off his mark in the monologue.
You want to play some racquetball?
I?m meeting with product placement people.
Hey, when?s Jordan due?
Middle of May.
What?s she going to do about the upfronts?
What is she going to do about the upfronts?
The network?s going to have to make them earlier.
Or later. They can?t do that.
She?s gonna have to let someone else make the presentation.
She can?t do that, either. It?s her first schedule; it?s the biggest day of the year for her.
- Danny?
- Yeah?
You?re caring more about other people than you usually do.
You?re the one who just said, ?What?s she going to do about the upfronts??
Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
So was mine.
No, it wasn?t. It was genuine interest.
Well, in case you haven?t noticed, she?s doing a good job.
And there you just defended her.
What?s wrong with that?
For starters, no one?s attacking her.
- Go write!
- Okay.
What?
- Nothing.
- Say it.
- Nothing.
- Just say it out loud!
- Nothing.
- Okay.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How was Luke?
- Good.
- Lucas.
- Good.
- Lunch with Luke.
- What is your problem?
- It?s Luke.
I need to see Danny.
About what?
About a private conversation between me and Danny.
I?m an executive producer, too.
Yeah, but I need to speak to the one who?s important.
About Luke?
All right
Why don?t we just get this over with now?
I?ve been offered a part in his Rolling Stones movie.
Anita Pallenberg?
That?s right.
How did you know?
I didn?t, but you?re great casting for that.
- Really?
- Yeah, it?s a great part.
Brian, Keith, Mick Jagger, they all considered her a musical confidant. ?Paint it Black? was all her.
You?re not going to throw cold water on this because it?s Luke directing?
Harry, I don?t think you?re getting how big a break this is for you.
No
I?m getting it. I didn?t think that you?d be getting it.
Of course I get it. We?ll make the schedule work any way we need to.
He says he can shoot me out in 20 days.
And he?s boarded them during hiatus weeks.
Whatever, it?s Anita Pallenberg!
Any of those guys would have broken up the band for her.
I never would have expected this from you.
Why not?
No matter what, I?ve always been your biggest fan.
Thank you, Matthew.
Do you know what else is great?
That Luke is able to spend $60 million of Paramount?s money to date you again.
Ow!
Abs of granite, baby. Hard as a rock.
You think he cast me so he can sleep with me?
No, I think he cast you so he can marry you and sleep with other people
Ow! When did this stomach happen?
Leg-lifts with Jeannie.
Don?t hurt yourself, Anita.
I?m going into Danny?s office because he is a real man.
Okay.
Danny ?
Yeah?
I?ll come back later.
Okay.
Why do I even talk to you?
Little thing called ?macho?.
- Say it!
- GET OUT!
Hi.
Sorry.
I?m eating for two.
At least.
Hey, are you guys doing a Christmas show?
Yeah.
Yeah, we are; Matt?s got a real head of steam about it.
We?re buying all the coconuts we can find.
You need coconuts to do the Christmas show?
I didn?t hear you with the roll in your mouth.
You need coconuts for a Christmas show?
To make snow.
Well, I?m glad you?re doing it. I miss home.
Charlottesville, Virginia?
That?s right. Most people think I?m from Massachusetts.
No, you went to school in Massachusetts.
Yeah.
Have you thought about the upfronts?
You could go into labor in the middle of presenting your fall schedule in front of 3000 advertisers.
Yeah, it?s gonna be my gimmick.
Seriously.
I?ll figure something out.
Okay.
Are you meeting someone in the building for lunch?
No, no; I just came over because I realized the upfronts were right around your due date.
Why didn?t you just call?
You?re right across the street
and I?m a nut about exercise. I?m in very good shape.
Okay.
Okay.
This is what I?m talking about.
Hey, miracle! Check it out. Rodney!
Excellent.
It?s a winter wonderland.
Yeah, and then later you can make pina coladas.
Keep it up!
- Cal?
- Yeah?
What, uh...
what?s going on with this?
What do you mean?
What?s he doing?
There?re going to be reindeer up in the balcony; he?s waving at them.
He?s giving the Nazi salute.
Nah, he?s waving at the reindeer!
Why wouldn?t the reindeer be with him?
Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt?
All right, let?s set logistics aside. He?s saying ?Heil Hitler.?
I think you?re reading too much into it.
He?s giving the Nazi salute.
Well, now that you?ve said it, that?s all I can see.
It?s all anybody can see.
- He?s got the crazy eyes too, doesn?t he.
- Yeah.
- Let?s get rid of demented Santa Claus!
- Thank you.
Good morning.
Good morning. Thank you for the hat.
It came with the red velvet miniskirt and garters. Would it make you feel better if I wore that?
It wouldn?t hurt.
I was just trying to save quarters for the laundry by doing it here.
I understand.
Ah, look at this.
This is nice: everybody working together, pitching our Christmas sketches for a Christmas show.
Let me hear what you?ve got.
Christmas is a sham, Matt.
It?s a ruse.
- It is!
- Jesus was born in 5 B.C.
And he wasn?t born in December.
He couldn?t have been, because the description in Luke of the shepherd would put it in Spring or Fall.
And it turns out that the image of Santa Claus, as we know it,
was invented in 1931 by an artist named Hayden Sunbloom who had been commissioned to do a portrait of Sinterklaas
by the Coca-Cola company.
The two of you brought them all over to the dark side?
Hey, I just said there was no Star of Bethlehem and then everybody got on the internet for two days.
Jesus was African.
It was a comet.
Or possibly Ursa Major in the Northern sky ?
I don?t care! It doesn?t matter!
What the hell did you do to my tree?
I was drying my socks.
All right.
Context used to matter.
We?re not living in the land of used-to.
I understand that, Mike. I?m explaining it to Jack.
I understand it, too.
NPR was able to run wiretaps of John Gotti swearing
because it was understood he was a bad guy.
As opposed to a soldier, who?s a role model.
Yeah. Uh, hang on.
What do you need?
Can I sit in on the meeting?
No. How?d you get past my secretary?
By telling her I was invited to sit in on the meeting.
This is corporate news, it?s not entertainment.
Let me sit in.
I?ll totally behave, I won?t say a word.
Jack?
Yeah.
Sit in.
Jordan McDeere, she?s auditing.
You want, at any price, to avoid a war with federal regulators.
Well?.
- Why?
- They?ll win.
They?ll block any media related mergers, that?s Macau.
They can bounce you out of the Spectrum auction, and your competitors would get greater broadcast power.
Is there a chance they?d single us out for ?
do you need a menu?
No.
Apricot danish.
Good. Is there a chance they?d single us out for ?
Special indecency treatment, you can count on it.
Yeah, Ian?s right.
You?ve got shows where young people are talking about sex,
having sex, having homosexual sex, sex with strangers, threesomes?
they?re going to suddenly decide to take a closer look.
Hey, if you know of these shows, send them to me. It?s development season.
I?m not even here.
They?re offering a good option: time-delay the news.
No!
A five-second delay, who?s gonna care?
Our news producers and reporters, for one.
They?re already leaving the networks for cable over credibility issues.
What?s going to happen when we ?
You don?t want to time-delay the news
Okay.
We fly to Washington,
we meet with the FCC chair and see if we can get a greatly reduced fine if we agree to give away time for PSAs.
It?s a face-saving gesture for everyone.
NBS News should apologize because somebody shot at one of their reporters?
Well, that?s it.
Obviously that?s not it!
Then I go back to what I said at the beginning:
take on the FCC and you need to know the cost of losing.
What are you doing here?
I came to hear that guy.
He?s a sub; our regular guy?s sick this week.
So is our regular trombone player,
and his sub told me to hear this guy.
He?s good.
That?s why I was surprised to see him playing in your band.
Get your feet of the chair, talk show.
Thanks, guys
4:30 Friday for a 5:30 dress. Thanks a lot.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
I?m Danny, the executive producer.
- Thanks a lot for sitting in today.
- Well, I appreciate the gig.
You want one full-time?
No, I can?t do that.
Why not?
Fella I?m sitting in for did me a favor.
All right. Well, you should know Kevin Eubanks is sitting down there
and I think you got a job at The Tonight Show if you want it.
No, they?ve got their horn section. I?m grateful for this, but I appreciate it.
Whoa, whoa, wait up.
Where?re you from?
I don?t want to get anyone in trouble, man. The guy?s doing me a favor.
No one?s in trouble.
I?m from New Orleans.
How could Jesus? birth have taken place 4 years before the birth of Christ?
How come Europeans decided he looked like Doug Henning?
It doesn?t matter!
Shepherds don?t work in December.
Another expert theologian heard from.
Yet the Gospels say he was born during the reign of Herod the Great
and according to the historian Flavius Josephson, Herod died in 4 B.C.
Flavius Josephson.
The Immaculate Conception has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus.
I think it probably does.
In describing Mary
the original Hebrew text uses the word ?alma?, which means ?to a young woman of marriageable age?,
not the word ?bethela?, which means ?virgin?.
And you?re getting this on?
Virginbirthsdebunked?
- Okay.
- .org.
Excuse me.
You see, Lucy,
I?m a bit of an astronomy buff.
Loser. The word is loser.
They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of 2 presents per child.
What?d they come up with?
He?d need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.
Zane?s not out sick this week.
What?s going on?
Players all over town ? here, The Tonight Show, session players, pit bands ? they?re trying to do it under the radar, but
they?re calling in sick.
Why?
They heard there were basically homeless musicians in town from New Orleans.
They?re sleeping on people?s couches.
By the way, if our trumpet player?s any indication, they can blow the doors off any room they feel like.
The L.A. guys are trying to get them a union card and a pay check so they can send some presents home.
We should pay the guys who are calling in sick.
I had a different idea. Is there a sketch you feel like you can cut right now?
Sure.
I could cut ?Immaculate, My Ass: HBO?s Ho Ho Hos and Hookers at the Pole?.
Good. We might need 4 minutes in the middle of the show.
For what?
I?ll let you know by the end of the day.
You spoken to Jordan since Monday?
- Me?
- Yeah.
No, not really.
You don?t know what she?s doing about the upfronts?
No.
What did you mean, not really?
I?ve driven by her house a couple times.
- Really.
- Yeah.
Well, that?s gotta take you back, huh, moon-doggie?
Her house is on the way to work.
If you?re driving from Tijuana.
Leave me alone.
15 minutes, everyone! 15 minutes!
Last time I was in this theatre was 15 years ago to hear Caruso sing ?Vesti la giubba? from Pagliacci.
Is that right?
No.
Caruso died 15 years before I was born.
Why do young people have no sense of the past?
Caruso?s dead?
Yeah.
Leave this poor girl alone. How are you feeling?
I can?t stop eating.
- Oh, enjoy that.
- I am.
Where?s Jack?
I don?t know. He should be along.
Down the corridor, down the stairs, dressing room D.
I know it well.
?Good evening, I?m Simon Styles.?
?And I?m Harriet Hayes. Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller,
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn, accidentally hit the painting, creating a finger-sized hole in the canvas.
Wynn apologized, and attributed the fault to Retinitis Pigmentosa, an ocular disease that damages peripheral vision.
The buyer then punched Wynn in the face, apologized, and attributed the fault to Reflexive Affluentis Magoo,
an emotional disease that makes him want to punch rich blind people in the face.?
?A new study released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University
finds that most men are almost always thinking about sex.
In a soon to be published companion study,
researchers hope to be able to prove through a series of controlled experiments
that water quenches your thirst.
The Pentagon announced today that ??
- Hey!
- Don?t let me stop you.
- How you doing, man?
- Styles
- You got your tickets?
- Front row.
I get to heckle Danny.
These are for you.
They?re beautiful.
Let me put them in my dressing room.
The Steve Wynn joke?s funny.
Well, he?s a very nice guy; you think he?s going to mind?
Only if he?s watching.
- I was happy to hear your deal closed.
- Me, too.
Wasn?t hard, you?re paying me scale.
That?ll change.
Everybody around here happy for you?
- Yeah.
- Matt?
Yeah, well
you know, yeah.
He thinks you?re trying to date me again, but he?s just ?
I am.
Huh?
I am trying to date you again.
- Really?
- Yeah.
But that?s not why you cast me, right?
No.
I cast you ?cause you?ll be good.
I can do both.
Okay.
Did what I just say make you uncomfortable?
No.
Five minutes, please. Five minutes to air!
You should go upstairs.
Eat ?em up.
In five, four, three?
?Hi, fella.?
?You wanna step over here a second??
?Oh, now who?re you??
?I?m Chris Hansen from Dateline.
Can I ask what the heck you were doing, coming to see a 12-year-old girl
in the middle of the night??
?She wrote me a letter.?
Where?s the snow?
We accidentally cooked it.
- The lights?
- Yeah.
Are we gonna have it by the end?
They?re shaving more coconuts right now.
??just figured, ?I?m gonna go to the house of an underage girl in the middle of the night.??
?That?s what I do.?
?A disturbing twist:
the gentleman explains that he?s been visiting young children in their homes
for what he describes as years.?
News 60 is next. Stand by, Harriet; stand by, Simon.
30 seconds back.
Hang on, I?ve got a note for you from the dress.
Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.
In five, four, three?
Hey, Luke. How you doing?
?From Los Angeles, California, it?s News 60 with Harriet Hayes and Simon Styles.?
?Good evening, I?m Simon Styles.?
?And I?m Matt.
Harriet.
I?m Harriet Hayes.
Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller, Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn??
I?m sorry to disturb you. I know you?re, you?re with your grandchildren.
I?d like them to meet you.
You know, this may be the first time I?ve ever seen you without a necktie
What?s the matter, kid? You don?t look well.
Last Sunday night, there was an incident on our news.
During a live feed from Afghanistan a marine, as well as a reporter who was interviewing him,
had an RPG explode nearby and the marine said f?
well, he said?
Mm hmm.
I waited to tell you
so I could speak with some lawyers and give you good advice.
Yeah, I know about what happened.
- You know about the FCC?
- Yeah.
Well...
I?ve been playing this out, every possible way in my head
and I think this:
I have to resign.
I know the Macau deal is the one you?ve been waiting for your whole life,
and the FCC can block mergers. On the other hand...
I just can?t be a party to the line that?s going to be crossed if we allow them their way on this.
I won?t pay a $73 million fine.
I won?t pay a 73 cent fine.
I won?t time-delay the news, and I won?t say I?m sorry.
I no longer recognize the authority of the FCC in this matter;
I?m going to have to be ordered by federal judge.
And when they come to get my transmitter,
they better send a group a hell of a lot more scary than the Foundation for Friendly Families
or whatever the hell they are.
Let those guys embed themselves with the 2nd Marine division for a while;
they?ll re-jigger their sense of what?s obscene in a quick hurry.
Jack, this is the one I?ve been waiting for my whole life.
You are the Chairman of the National Broadcasting System.
That?s why I wanted my grandchildren to meet you.
Yes, sir.
Stand by...15 seconds to air.
We?re back in five, four, three?
Ladies and gentlemen, the City of New Orleans.
Can I talk to you a second?
I?ve been married twice before, and I?m a recovering cocaine addict
and I know that?s no woman?s dream of a man
or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I?m falling in love with you.
If you want to run, I understand,
but you better get a head start ?cause I?m coming for you, Jordan.
You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.
Where did you go?
I went to a place called, ?Say it, say it, say it!?
I said it, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
You were right, you know.
About what?
We do live here now.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
On Monday I'm going to start to build a city in China
There?s an American consortium
TMG, Steve Wynn, MGM Grand?.
We're investing 20 billion dollars in Macau to turn it into the Las Vegas of Asia.
We're this close...
I just drove us 99 yards down the field. Take it the last yard.
Put it in the damn house!
THE CHRISTMAS SHOW
It?s strange that you?re here.
I don?t think so.
Really?
There are lots of men here.
They?re the fathers.
You think all of them?
Excuse me.
Are there any men here who are neither the husband nor the father?
Get your hand down.
?At 12 weeks a healthy baby would be about 2 inches long and weigh less than an ounce.
- If you?re under 35 -?
- I?m under 35.
- This is no time for vanity.
- I?m under 35.
All right, so you?re under 35.
Then you?re not considered a high-risk mother and as a result no? what?s that word?
Amniocentesis.
Good. No amniocentesis is required. If you were under 35,
then what we?ve gotta do is
stick a needle about half a foot into your stomach and get some fluid out of your prenatal girth.
Why are you here?
- Morale.
- I really don?t need help.
Not now, but you will soon, because this says you?re going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles
to bury your eggs in the warm mud.
- Danny.
- Wait, that can?t be you.
No.
That?s an Alaskan king crab that has to do that.
Yeah.
Why won?t you tell me who the father is?
- You don?t know him.
- I don?t want to know him.
How do you know?
Because if it was someone I wanted to know, he?d be here.
What makes you think I told him?
?Cause I do know you.
Jordan?
Thank you.
Yes, I told him.
?Well, it?s entirely up to you, kitten ??
Yeah.
??but I?ll pay for everything; no worries in that department.?
You can step behind the partition and put on this gown.
- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
So, who was it?
My ex-boyfriend.
Whoa.
Yes.
Wait.
Ironic.
The guy from Great Western Mutual who ratted me out on the drug test?
Yep.
Was sleeping with him to get that information really worth it?
I didn?t sleep with him to get the information;
He gave me the information so he could sleep with me.
Still, integrity all over the place.
This is the time for a lecture?
No, that was about twelve weeks ago.
By the way, did you and the Last Honest Man get loaded on Jagermeister
and forget that there?s like 500 different types of birth control?
Jordan.
How are you?
- Daniel Tripp.
- Ah, the husband.
We?re not married.
The boyfriend, then.
No, I?m the executive producer.
- Oh, hey, you?re Danny Tripp.
- Yes, sir.
- The show?s great.
- Thanks a lot.
I just...
...love Nicholas Cage in all the different jobs you?ve got him in?
ah, what is it? couples? counselor, shop teacher?
Thanks, I?ll pass that along.
Uh, fellas? I?m a little exposed here.
Let?s get started.
You?re not planning on staying and watching, are you?
No, this stuff makes me a little queasy.
I?m just going to step over here, but I?m right here for you.
I don?t know how I got so lucky.
There is a small chance
we can determine the sex on ultrasound.
- Are you interested?
- No.
Yes!
No!
Yes!
NO!
She?ll take yes.
And by the way, Doc, if you don?t detect any maleness on the first pass, don?t necessarily assume it?s a girl.
The biological father?s only a fraction of a man to begin with.
- Is that right?
- Stop it.
He?s an executive at my studio?s insurance company.
He gave Jordan privileged information in order to sleep with her.
He?s a real stand-up guy, though, he offered to pay for everything.
Oh, jackass.
Thank you, sir.
Have you told anyone?
Just my assistant Kevin, that?s it.
And Mr. Tripp.
I had to tell him.
She wanted to.
I was semi-conscious. I had to make sure he wasn?t going to force a B-12 injection on me.
You just described the beginning of every great love story.
No one else knows?
You don?t tell people until after the 12th week, and this is the 12th week.
Well, guess what?
What?
Start telling people.
We?re having a baby?
I?m having a baby.
Relax, you?ll be involved.
Synch : Nuwanda
Transcript : jackoweskla
Good morning.
Everybody have a good weekend?
Yeah.
Matt?
- Yeah?
- What?s that?
It?s a Christmas tree.
- Really.
- Yeah.
What are you, Linus?
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.
Okay, Ebenezer.
First of all, all Christmas trees are dead; they?ve been chopped down. Second of all,
I forgive you for slagging my tree, for I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.
Andy
what have we got?
We have a Year in Review theme.
Okay.
Lucy.
Uh, something where the Yugoslavians honor all the famous people who died in 2006
and it?s just a series of glamour shots of Milosevic.
Maybe.
- Killer spinach on trial.
- Okay.
A day without a Mexican, ?Brokeback Mountain??
Kim Jong Il?
Okay. But what about
Christmas?
What about it?
It?s our Christmas show.
Yeah, I thought we?d ignore that.
- Why?
- ?Cause Wes always ignored it.
I know he did, but you know why?
?Cause it?s L.A. and it?s 85 degrees outside.
We?re doing a Christmas show.
L.A. just doesn?t feel like Christmas.
We?re going to make it feel like Christmas.
We can put your tree on the stage and it?ll be just like Dickensian London.
Hey, that happens to be a noble fir. Those things grow to be over 200 feet tall!
Yeah, I don?t think that one?s gonna make it.
How is it that I?m Jewish and I?m the only one with Christmas spirit?
Come to think of it, how is it that I?m the only Jew in a comedy writers? room?
All good questions, but take some advice from your Protestant brothers:
let?s do the Year in Review and screw Christmas.
Screw Christmas?
- Uh oh.
- Not on my watch!
Look, I hate Los Angeles like everybody else,
but I have to work here because in any other part of the country I?m unemployable.
So, we are going to deck the halls with boughs of holly. I want to hear sketch ideas with Santa
and Rudolph and chestnuts and burning logs.
- Hey, we could set the tree on ?
- Shut up!
Hey.
How are ya?
Good. You know anybody who got hit in the earthquake?
There was an earthquake?
4.1, about 10 miles northwest of Fontana.
About a dozen injuries and some houses came down, but the real damage was to the freeway.
- The 10?
- Yeah
What happened to it?
Well, it split in half, basically. There was like a 15 foot chasm.
It?s a miracle no car fell head-first into the thing.
A Christmas miracle.
Thats right!
You know, Wes never did a Christmas show.
I know, he always thought it was cheesy from L.A.
- It doesn?t have to be.
- It doesn?t have to be!
This is a TV studio; we can do any kind of magic we want.
We could do the magic of Christmas.
We absolutely can.
I don?t have anything written yet, but we?re gonna need a lot of snow.
That could be a problem.
- Why?
- ?Cause our set-dressing warehouses are in Fontana.
- And?
- They collapsed.
Really.
Well, not all the way. But enough.
Thanks for showing up to work.
What are you doing?
Trying to find out if anyone who works here is injured or dead.
Everyone?s fine.
A couple warehouses came down.
Those things are made out of Jiffy-Pop. They?ll be back up again at the end of the week.
But in the mean time, we need snow.
What?s he talking about?
The three of us are going to bring some holiday romance to this city.
I?m the miracle on the Sunset Strip, and you?re, you know, two other guys.
Thank you.
Excellent
- Seriously.
- I?m with you.
Our snow is one of those warehouses.
Can we make our own?
- Sure!
- How?
Bubbles?
Sure, if this were a Don Ho Christmas. Do we really need snow?
Yeah, we need snow! We need snowbanks, snowmen, snowballs ?
Snowballs!
What about them?
The, uh, the things!
The, uh, pink marshmallows with the, uh, coconut on top...Shaved coconut!
Beautiful. And they?re indigenous to L.A.
No, they?re not.
They grow on palm trees!
Not ours.
- What do ours do?
- Nothing.
This city needs me.
Yeah, we all do. Listen, close the door, would you?
The reason I was late this morning is I was at the doctor?s.
- What?s wrong?
- Nothing, I'm fine.
I?m fine. It was an OB/GYN.
Jordan?s pregnant.
- You?re kidding.
- You?re kidding.
- No.
- Who?s the father?
The guy from the insurance company who outed me.
Wow.
Yeah. He wants to pay for it, but that?s it, so
I?m going to have him shove his wallet up his ass.
- Danny?
- Yeah.
Why were you at the doctor?
- Hm?
- Why were you at the doctor?
I wanted to be.
How?s his mood?
SON OF A HOLY BITCH!
Never mind.
SON OF A HOLY, GOD-FORSAKEN BITCH!
I?m gonna get a gun.
I swear to God I am!
- Take your medicine.
- There is no medicine!
There is no law!
What happened?
We did the news.
Which, by the way, we?re required by the federal government to do, that?s been the deal.
We get free use of the airwaves to broadcast your entertainment shows, in exchange for which we provide the public
with informational programming.
We call that the ?NBS Nightly News?.
At the moment we?re fighting two wars, so the news division thinks we should cover that, and I agree with them!
What happened, Jack?
An embedded reporter did a live remote last night about school rebuilding in Charikar, Afghanistan.
Our guy?s interviewing a private
when an RPG screams over their head.
What?s an RPG?
A rocket propelled grenade.
It explodes into the rocks, and the private shouts a word.
What word?
A word I don?t use with women.
- He said ?f??
- Yes.
Same word anyone would use.
Same word Mr. Rogers would use if a rocket propelled grenade missed him by 50 feet.
Don?t tell me.
The FCC says it was indecent.
They?re going to fine us $325,000 per affiliate that aired the news report!
- That?s insane!
- No kidding.
It was a live news report!
You have to understand
that pro-family groups support our troops in this time of war
just as long as we don?t have to see or hear what our troops fighting a war looks and sounds like.
What do you need?
Well, I wanted to tell you
that I?m pregnant.
I?m pregnant; I?m, I?m due in the middle of May.
What?
I?m pregnant?
You?re having a baby?
Yes.
That?s fantastic.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Who?s the father?
An old boyfriend I got together with for a night.
- It?s not very, you know?
- I?m sorry I yelled.
- Have a seat.
- Fight ?em, Jack!
Take them to federal court; it?s a First Amendment issue!
First Amendment doesn?t apply to broadcast television.
They?ll look ridiculous in public and they?ll back down.
- Says you.
- They will.
If they don?t, they?ll pull our transponder license, the one we use to beam our programs to the affiliates.
Then they?ll take the licenses from the affiliates?
they?ll end the network.
It?s the news, Jack. Lawyer up.
Congratulations on the baby.
Merry Christmas!
- Oh, God, I?m sorry!
- What are you doing?
I was going to throw my beach stuff in the laundry.
- When were you at the beach?
- Yesterday.
Isn?t the sand on the floor now?
That?s better than a broken washing machine.
Wouldn?t shaking the sand out of the towel back at the beach be the best of all, and could we turn off
?Hot Fun in the Summertime??
Sure, what would you like to listen to?
Mr. Bing Crosby, Mr. Burl Ives?
- Perry Como.
- Mr. Perry Como, wait. Was that a..
dig at Christmas?
At you.
Okay. Am I still on for racquetball at lunch?
No, you?re not. Zane?s out sick the whole week.
- Oh, man.
- You want me to find you someone else?
It?s not the racquetball, it?s his trumpet. We?re not going to have his trumpet?
- Hey!
- What do you know?
Go ahead and write in all the snow you want; we just bought a truckload of coconuts.
Excellent.
Hey, did you hear Zane?s out for the week?
Yeah, but Willy says he?s got a good sub.
- Hey, you wanted us?
- Yeah.
- I?ll see ya!
- Yeah.
Turn it off.
What?d?you need?
Any Christmas ideas you might have.
There?s no such thing as the Star of Bethlehem.
Jesus was born in North Africa.
How come in paintings it always looks like he?s one of the Bee-Gees?
All right, Christmas ideas that don?t shriek of meanness.
Hey, your people stole Jesus from my people.
Perhaps, but this is about everyone raising a glass of wassail.
Of what?
Wassail. ?Here we go a-wassailing??
It was a comet.
- What?
- The star.
Of Bethlehem; they saw a comet and they went to the manger with a lamb
a camel
- and a kid with a fife.
- A drum!
A boy on a drum! A little drummer, there?s a whole song.
It doesn?t matter; go downstairs and help these guys pitch me.
This could be a good chance to let Lucy get to know me.
He likes Lucy now.
With the eyes and the face and everything.
She?s got a great face.
Hey, step back.
What, I like her face!
Aren?t you about a hundred years old?
Aren?t you only marginally talented?
All right, Santa?s helpers? Out the door.
It?s a great face, but the mouth?
I will beat you up.
Hah hah, good one, Tommy. You?re as cute as a button.
Mondays, it?s like the dementia grows by?
I?m not even talking to anybody right now. Suzanne!
Yeah
I called K-Earth 101, I told them Matthew Albie wants to hear some Perry Como.
- You didn?t.
- Nah, Christmas joke.
Can you get me Harriet?
She?s out at lunch with Luke Scott.
All right.
Wait, what?
What kind of jerk has their agent set up a lunch?
Well, I don?t know, Harriet, what kind of jerks are there?
I mean, what are my choices?
I should have said no.
- But you didn?t.
- It?s Christmas.
What are your plans?
Well, we?re off until the second week in January
so Jeannie and Samantha and I rented a little place in Idaho and I?m gonna take skiing lessons.
I didn?t mean for the holidays, I meant for the future.
What do you mean?
What are your plans for the future?
Really just the show Friday night, and then the skiing lessons, and then the next show.
How about a movie?
I?d love to. I can?t on weeknights, but pretty much every Saturday or Sunday is fine.
Yeah, or we could make a movie.
Are you offering me a job?
Welcome to the lunch. Yes.
You talking about the Rolling Stones movie, or something else?
It?s not the Rolling Stones, it?s Brian Jones, who formed the Rolling Stones.
His girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg,
ran off with Keith Richards.
Heath Ledger?s playing the part.
And you want me to play Tammy Wynette?
No
I want you to play Anita Pallenberg.
You know, sometimes it?s hard to tell with you, Luke, when you?re kidding ?
You?ve got an ability well beyond comedy.
I?ve boarded you for 20 shooting days which would spread across your hiatus weeks and
you?d get an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actress.
Are you still mad at how the agent set up the lunch?
Here?s what we have so far:
One of Santa?s reindeer, mildly traumatized by an accident last year,
is reluctant to pull the sleigh, and so Santa brings in the Reindeer Whisperer.
That's fantastic! Lucy, I love that idea, I want to do it.
I want to go with you guys to Matt and Danny.
It was Darius? pitch.
Then let me tell you why it?s iffy. The Horse Whisperer was, like, 10 years ago.
I tell you what else, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer got their names wrong
It?s not Donner, it?s Dunder.
And Blixum, not Blixen.
We Three Wise Guys. The characters from ?GoodFellas? on camels.
Hang on. It?s not Dunder.
?And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
?On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen.
On Comet, on Cupid, on Dunder and Blixen.?
That was ?Twas the Night Before Christmas,
a white guy writing a song for Montgomery Ward screwed up the names.
And ?Twas the Night Before Christmas was written by Jesse Jackson?
We Three Wise Guys ?
Nowhere in the Bible does it say there were three of them.
There was never a camel, they didn?t travel from afar, it was six miles.
And everything in the song was wrong.
It was Lucy?s pitch.
Beautiful job, babe.
Simon
tell Lucy about the time you were arrested on about 43 larceny counts in high school?
Okay, cool, why don?t you tell her about the time when everybody thought you were gay in high school?
It?s a big help having you guys here.
Check it out.
We really do need to work.
We?re going to make some prototype snow.
Excellent.
How do you open a coconut?
It?s actually pretty hard, they do it with, like, a machete.
Nah.
Stand back
Pieces might fly!
?Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to double his country?s population to 120 million people.
In a recent speech to Parliament, Ahmadinejad ? ?
She?s got the slightest little overbite.
We dipped in the frame twice.
Isn?t that cute?
Howie may have been off his mark in the monologue.
You want to play some racquetball?
I?m meeting with product placement people.
Hey, when?s Jordan due?
Middle of May.
What?s she going to do about the upfronts?
What is she going to do about the upfronts?
The network?s going to have to make them earlier.
Or later. They can?t do that.
She?s gonna have to let someone else make the presentation.
She can?t do that, either. It?s her first schedule; it?s the biggest day of the year for her.
- Danny?
- Yeah?
You?re caring more about other people than you usually do.
You?re the one who just said, ?What?s she going to do about the upfronts??
Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head.
So was mine.
No, it wasn?t. It was genuine interest.
Well, in case you haven?t noticed, she?s doing a good job.
And there you just defended her.
What?s wrong with that?
For starters, no one?s attacking her.
- Go write!
- Okay.
What?
- Nothing.
- Say it.
- Nothing.
- Just say it out loud!
- Nothing.
- Okay.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How was Luke?
- Good.
- Lucas.
- Good.
- Lunch with Luke.
- What is your problem?
- It?s Luke.
I need to see Danny.
About what?
About a private conversation between me and Danny.
I?m an executive producer, too.
Yeah, but I need to speak to the one who?s important.
About Luke?
All right
Why don?t we just get this over with now?
I?ve been offered a part in his Rolling Stones movie.
Anita Pallenberg?
That?s right.
How did you know?
I didn?t, but you?re great casting for that.
- Really?
- Yeah, it?s a great part.
Brian, Keith, Mick Jagger, they all considered her a musical confidant. ?Paint it Black? was all her.
You?re not going to throw cold water on this because it?s Luke directing?
Harry, I don?t think you?re getting how big a break this is for you.
No
I?m getting it. I didn?t think that you?d be getting it.
Of course I get it. We?ll make the schedule work any way we need to.
He says he can shoot me out in 20 days.
And he?s boarded them during hiatus weeks.
Whatever, it?s Anita Pallenberg!
Any of those guys would have broken up the band for her.
I never would have expected this from you.
Why not?
No matter what, I?ve always been your biggest fan.
Thank you, Matthew.
Do you know what else is great?
That Luke is able to spend $60 million of Paramount?s money to date you again.
Ow!
Abs of granite, baby. Hard as a rock.
You think he cast me so he can sleep with me?
No, I think he cast you so he can marry you and sleep with other people
Ow! When did this stomach happen?
Leg-lifts with Jeannie.
Don?t hurt yourself, Anita.
I?m going into Danny?s office because he is a real man.
Okay.
Danny ?
Yeah?
I?ll come back later.
Okay.
Why do I even talk to you?
Little thing called ?macho?.
- Say it!
- GET OUT!
Hi.
Sorry.
I?m eating for two.
At least.
Hey, are you guys doing a Christmas show?
Yeah.
Yeah, we are; Matt?s got a real head of steam about it.
We?re buying all the coconuts we can find.
You need coconuts to do the Christmas show?
I didn?t hear you with the roll in your mouth.
You need coconuts for a Christmas show?
To make snow.
Well, I?m glad you?re doing it. I miss home.
Charlottesville, Virginia?
That?s right. Most people think I?m from Massachusetts.
No, you went to school in Massachusetts.
Yeah.
Have you thought about the upfronts?
You could go into labor in the middle of presenting your fall schedule in front of 3000 advertisers.
Yeah, it?s gonna be my gimmick.
Seriously.
I?ll figure something out.
Okay.
Are you meeting someone in the building for lunch?
No, no; I just came over because I realized the upfronts were right around your due date.
Why didn?t you just call?
You?re right across the street
and I?m a nut about exercise. I?m in very good shape.
Okay.
Okay.
This is what I?m talking about.
Hey, miracle! Check it out. Rodney!
Excellent.
It?s a winter wonderland.
Yeah, and then later you can make pina coladas.
Keep it up!
- Cal?
- Yeah?
What, uh...
what?s going on with this?
What do you mean?
What?s he doing?
There?re going to be reindeer up in the balcony; he?s waving at them.
He?s giving the Nazi salute.
Nah, he?s waving at the reindeer!
Why wouldn?t the reindeer be with him?
Well, when you start to apply logic to Santa Claus, Matt?
All right, let?s set logistics aside. He?s saying ?Heil Hitler.?
I think you?re reading too much into it.
He?s giving the Nazi salute.
Well, now that you?ve said it, that?s all I can see.
It?s all anybody can see.
- He?s got the crazy eyes too, doesn?t he.
- Yeah.
- Let?s get rid of demented Santa Claus!
- Thank you.
Good morning.
Good morning. Thank you for the hat.
It came with the red velvet miniskirt and garters. Would it make you feel better if I wore that?
It wouldn?t hurt.
I was just trying to save quarters for the laundry by doing it here.
I understand.
Ah, look at this.
This is nice: everybody working together, pitching our Christmas sketches for a Christmas show.
Let me hear what you?ve got.
Christmas is a sham, Matt.
It?s a ruse.
- It is!
- Jesus was born in 5 B.C.
And he wasn?t born in December.
He couldn?t have been, because the description in Luke of the shepherd would put it in Spring or Fall.
And it turns out that the image of Santa Claus, as we know it,
was invented in 1931 by an artist named Hayden Sunbloom who had been commissioned to do a portrait of Sinterklaas
by the Coca-Cola company.
The two of you brought them all over to the dark side?
Hey, I just said there was no Star of Bethlehem and then everybody got on the internet for two days.
Jesus was African.
It was a comet.
Or possibly Ursa Major in the Northern sky ?
I don?t care! It doesn?t matter!
What the hell did you do to my tree?
I was drying my socks.
All right.
Context used to matter.
We?re not living in the land of used-to.
I understand that, Mike. I?m explaining it to Jack.
I understand it, too.
NPR was able to run wiretaps of John Gotti swearing
because it was understood he was a bad guy.
As opposed to a soldier, who?s a role model.
Yeah. Uh, hang on.
What do you need?
Can I sit in on the meeting?
No. How?d you get past my secretary?
By telling her I was invited to sit in on the meeting.
This is corporate news, it?s not entertainment.
Let me sit in.
I?ll totally behave, I won?t say a word.
Jack?
Yeah.
Sit in.
Jordan McDeere, she?s auditing.
You want, at any price, to avoid a war with federal regulators.
Well?.
- Why?
- They?ll win.
They?ll block any media related mergers, that?s Macau.
They can bounce you out of the Spectrum auction, and your competitors would get greater broadcast power.
Is there a chance they?d single us out for ?
do you need a menu?
No.
Apricot danish.
Good. Is there a chance they?d single us out for ?
Special indecency treatment, you can count on it.
Yeah, Ian?s right.
You?ve got shows where young people are talking about sex,
having sex, having homosexual sex, sex with strangers, threesomes?
they?re going to suddenly decide to take a closer look.
Hey, if you know of these shows, send them to me. It?s development season.
I?m not even here.
They?re offering a good option: time-delay the news.
No!
A five-second delay, who?s gonna care?
Our news producers and reporters, for one.
They?re already leaving the networks for cable over credibility issues.
What?s going to happen when we ?
You don?t want to time-delay the news
Okay.
We fly to Washington,
we meet with the FCC chair and see if we can get a greatly reduced fine if we agree to give away time for PSAs.
It?s a face-saving gesture for everyone.
NBS News should apologize because somebody shot at one of their reporters?
Well, that?s it.
Obviously that?s not it!
Then I go back to what I said at the beginning:
take on the FCC and you need to know the cost of losing.
What are you doing here?
I came to hear that guy.
He?s a sub; our regular guy?s sick this week.
So is our regular trombone player,
and his sub told me to hear this guy.
He?s good.
That?s why I was surprised to see him playing in your band.
Get your feet of the chair, talk show.
Thanks, guys
4:30 Friday for a 5:30 dress. Thanks a lot.
- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
I?m Danny, the executive producer.
- Thanks a lot for sitting in today.
- Well, I appreciate the gig.
You want one full-time?
No, I can?t do that.
Why not?
Fella I?m sitting in for did me a favor.
All right. Well, you should know Kevin Eubanks is sitting down there
and I think you got a job at The Tonight Show if you want it.
No, they?ve got their horn section. I?m grateful for this, but I appreciate it.
Whoa, whoa, wait up.
Where?re you from?
I don?t want to get anyone in trouble, man. The guy?s doing me a favor.
No one?s in trouble.
I?m from New Orleans.
How could Jesus? birth have taken place 4 years before the birth of Christ?
How come Europeans decided he looked like Doug Henning?
It doesn?t matter!
Shepherds don?t work in December.
Another expert theologian heard from.
Yet the Gospels say he was born during the reign of Herod the Great
and according to the historian Flavius Josephson, Herod died in 4 B.C.
Flavius Josephson.
The Immaculate Conception has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus.
I think it probably does.
In describing Mary
the original Hebrew text uses the word ?alma?, which means ?to a young woman of marriageable age?,
not the word ?bethela?, which means ?virgin?.
And you?re getting this on?
Virginbirthsdebunked?
- Okay.
- .org.
Excuse me.
You see, Lucy,
I?m a bit of an astronomy buff.
Loser. The word is loser.
They calculated the number of homes with children and the average weight of 2 presents per child.
What?d they come up with?
He?d need 214,200 reindeer pulling a sled weighing 321,000 tons at 3000 times the speed of sound.
Zane?s not out sick this week.
What?s going on?
Players all over town ? here, The Tonight Show, session players, pit bands ? they?re trying to do it under the radar, but
they?re calling in sick.
Why?
They heard there were basically homeless musicians in town from New Orleans.
They?re sleeping on people?s couches.
By the way, if our trumpet player?s any indication, they can blow the doors off any room they feel like.
The L.A. guys are trying to get them a union card and a pay check so they can send some presents home.
We should pay the guys who are calling in sick.
I had a different idea. Is there a sketch you feel like you can cut right now?
Sure.
I could cut ?Immaculate, My Ass: HBO?s Ho Ho Hos and Hookers at the Pole?.
Good. We might need 4 minutes in the middle of the show.
For what?
I?ll let you know by the end of the day.
You spoken to Jordan since Monday?
- Me?
- Yeah.
No, not really.
You don?t know what she?s doing about the upfronts?
No.
What did you mean, not really?
I?ve driven by her house a couple times.
- Really.
- Yeah.
Well, that?s gotta take you back, huh, moon-doggie?
Her house is on the way to work.
If you?re driving from Tijuana.
Leave me alone.
15 minutes, everyone! 15 minutes!
Last time I was in this theatre was 15 years ago to hear Caruso sing ?Vesti la giubba? from Pagliacci.
Is that right?
No.
Caruso died 15 years before I was born.
Why do young people have no sense of the past?
Caruso?s dead?
Yeah.
Leave this poor girl alone. How are you feeling?
I can?t stop eating.
- Oh, enjoy that.
- I am.
Where?s Jack?
I don?t know. He should be along.
Down the corridor, down the stairs, dressing room D.
I know it well.
?Good evening, I?m Simon Styles.?
?And I?m Harriet Hayes. Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller,
Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn, accidentally hit the painting, creating a finger-sized hole in the canvas.
Wynn apologized, and attributed the fault to Retinitis Pigmentosa, an ocular disease that damages peripheral vision.
The buyer then punched Wynn in the face, apologized, and attributed the fault to Reflexive Affluentis Magoo,
an emotional disease that makes him want to punch rich blind people in the face.?
?A new study released by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University
finds that most men are almost always thinking about sex.
In a soon to be published companion study,
researchers hope to be able to prove through a series of controlled experiments
that water quenches your thirst.
The Pentagon announced today that ??
- Hey!
- Don?t let me stop you.
- How you doing, man?
- Styles
- You got your tickets?
- Front row.
I get to heckle Danny.
These are for you.
They?re beautiful.
Let me put them in my dressing room.
The Steve Wynn joke?s funny.
Well, he?s a very nice guy; you think he?s going to mind?
Only if he?s watching.
- I was happy to hear your deal closed.
- Me, too.
Wasn?t hard, you?re paying me scale.
That?ll change.
Everybody around here happy for you?
- Yeah.
- Matt?
Yeah, well
you know, yeah.
He thinks you?re trying to date me again, but he?s just ?
I am.
Huh?
I am trying to date you again.
- Really?
- Yeah.
But that?s not why you cast me, right?
No.
I cast you ?cause you?ll be good.
I can do both.
Okay.
Did what I just say make you uncomfortable?
No.
Five minutes, please. Five minutes to air!
You should go upstairs.
Eat ?em up.
In five, four, three?
?Hi, fella.?
?You wanna step over here a second??
?Oh, now who?re you??
?I?m Chris Hansen from Dateline.
Can I ask what the heck you were doing, coming to see a 12-year-old girl
in the middle of the night??
?She wrote me a letter.?
Where?s the snow?
We accidentally cooked it.
- The lights?
- Yeah.
Are we gonna have it by the end?
They?re shaving more coconuts right now.
??just figured, ?I?m gonna go to the house of an underage girl in the middle of the night.??
?That?s what I do.?
?A disturbing twist:
the gentleman explains that he?s been visiting young children in their homes
for what he describes as years.?
News 60 is next. Stand by, Harriet; stand by, Simon.
30 seconds back.
Hang on, I?ve got a note for you from the dress.
Use your downstage hand to reach for the glass in Nancy Grace.
In five, four, three?
Hey, Luke. How you doing?
?From Los Angeles, California, it?s News 60 with Harriet Hayes and Simon Styles.?
?Good evening, I?m Simon Styles.?
?And I?m Matt.
Harriet.
I?m Harriet Hayes.
Just after a man purchased a Picasso painting for $139 million, the seller, Las Vegas mogul Steve Wynn??
I?m sorry to disturb you. I know you?re, you?re with your grandchildren.
I?d like them to meet you.
You know, this may be the first time I?ve ever seen you without a necktie
What?s the matter, kid? You don?t look well.
Last Sunday night, there was an incident on our news.
During a live feed from Afghanistan a marine, as well as a reporter who was interviewing him,
had an RPG explode nearby and the marine said f?
well, he said?
Mm hmm.
I waited to tell you
so I could speak with some lawyers and give you good advice.
Yeah, I know about what happened.
- You know about the FCC?
- Yeah.
Well...
I?ve been playing this out, every possible way in my head
and I think this:
I have to resign.
I know the Macau deal is the one you?ve been waiting for your whole life,
and the FCC can block mergers. On the other hand...
I just can?t be a party to the line that?s going to be crossed if we allow them their way on this.
I won?t pay a $73 million fine.
I won?t pay a 73 cent fine.
I won?t time-delay the news, and I won?t say I?m sorry.
I no longer recognize the authority of the FCC in this matter;
I?m going to have to be ordered by federal judge.
And when they come to get my transmitter,
they better send a group a hell of a lot more scary than the Foundation for Friendly Families
or whatever the hell they are.
Let those guys embed themselves with the 2nd Marine division for a while;
they?ll re-jigger their sense of what?s obscene in a quick hurry.
Jack, this is the one I?ve been waiting for my whole life.
You are the Chairman of the National Broadcasting System.
That?s why I wanted my grandchildren to meet you.
Yes, sir.
Stand by...15 seconds to air.
We?re back in five, four, three?
Ladies and gentlemen, the City of New Orleans.
Can I talk to you a second?
I?ve been married twice before, and I?m a recovering cocaine addict
and I know that?s no woman?s dream of a man
or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I?m falling in love with you.
If you want to run, I understand,
but you better get a head start ?cause I?m coming for you, Jordan.
You should go ahead and chew that sandwich.
Where did you go?
I went to a place called, ?Say it, say it, say it!?
I said it, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
You were right, you know.
About what?
We do live here now.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.