Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 10 - B-12 - full transcript
A fever-based illness runs through Studio 60, putting the rehearsals and show itself in jeopardy. Matt brings in former co-writer Andy, a deadpan friend who has the magic touch to whip Lucy and Darius into productivity. Harriet will be honored at a banquet, and struggles to tell a simple joke. Jordan finally grants an interview, but is all too honest; Jack stops just short of formally firing her. She announces her pregnancy by fainting into Danny's arms. Howie Mandel is guest host; we finally get to see one full sketch when Danny comes on stage to parody "Deal or No Deal" in the monologue. The cast loosen up backstage, and even the partial sketches are amusing.
DANNY:
Previously on Studio 60:
-He's not the only one I'm taking.
-Who else?
-Everybody.
-Yeah?
-Get Lucy and the new guy.
-Darius.
-Yeah.
-Listen to me. You're very winning.
Not to me, but to everyone else.
DANNY:
Go control your own press.
Danny, I wouldn't get
too many eggs in Jordan's basket.
-I don't think she's gonna make it.
-We'll staff back up.
Till we do, it's gonna be you
and two freshman writers.
That's two writers more than I had before.
It's gonna be fine.
ANNOUNCER:
With musical guest, Corinne Bailey Rae.
-Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel.
MANDEL: Thank you.
[CHEERlNG AND APPLAUSE]
Thanks a lot. Thank you very much.
Please, settle down.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
It's great to be here hosting Studio 60.
Now, you may know I've been hosting
my own show, Deal or No Deal.
Thanks, great show, great job.
But I look forward
to leave that behind for a night...
...and getting back to my roots,
live comedy.
The producers said
I can do anything I wanted...
-...so I thought I'd do a little of my--
DANNY: Howie?
Yeah? This is Daniel Tripp,
the executive producer.
MAN:
It's in the show.
[APPLAUSE]
So far, the monologue's going well.
You've been greeted warmly
by the audience.
You've hit your camera mark,
you've dropped in a plug for your show.
[DEAL OR NO DEAL
MUSlC PLAYS]
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances
by continuing the monologue...
...and choosing your next joke
from one of these two briefcases...
...or you can walk backstage
and get ready for your first sketch.
You know, I was hoping
to do something different tonight....
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
DANNY:
Call from the bank.
DANNY:
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen....
DANNY:
Mm-hm.
[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
-Right.
-I don't stay on the phone that long.
MANDEL:
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
[AUDlENCE APPLAUDS]
DANNY:
Right.
-You all right? Dizzy?
-No more than usual.
-Jeannie.
-I'm fine. Let's play ball.
-You're sweating.
-I was hot during the open.
-Come here.
-I'm all right.
There's a reporter doing a story
for Vanity Fair, she's allowed backstage.
Yeah.
[THERMOMETER BEEPS]
-1 01.7.
-Yeah.
-Loosen your pants.
-Aw.
Fine, okay, I'll take Briefcase Number 1.
Open the case.
Corinne Bailey Rae is here.
-Stick around, we'll be right back.
MAN: Go music.
MAN 1 :
We're out.
Whew.
MARTHA: I'm here.
-Now, let me explain something.
The green room is where second cousins
go, agents and the girls with the band.
VlPs go in the NBS box
and when Hanks and Springsteen come by...
...they can watch the show in Matt's office,
or down on the floor with me.
Reporters who write dumb stories
about friends of mine...
...watch the show at the ln-N-Out
down the street. And that is you, sister.
What a bummer for you
I've got a press pass.
What's the matter with you?
If you didn't like my column on Tuesday,
say so.
-I didn't like your column Tuesday.
MAN 2: Two minutes.
I was gonna watch the show
with the writers tonight.
-Where are they?
-At the ln-N-Out down the street.
-What do you mean?
-Ricky and Ron left...
...to do Peripheral Vision Man at Fox
and they took most of the staff with them.
Stuff happened while I was gone?
Stuff happened.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
MATT:
Hey.
DANNY: You're pretty wet.
-ls that right?
Have a hard time getting here?
The San Gabriel Mountains
have fallen into Beverly Hills.
And the prayers of a grateful nation
are answered.
I didn't dream it, right?
The writing staff quit on Friday?
-Most of them, yeah.
-Okay.
DANNY: And Maisy too.
-Really?
It was a loyalty thing.
We'll find you someone else.
Anything funny happen
over the weekend?
A guy in a Chicago suburb
walked into a T-Mobile store...
...and demanded at gunpoint
the clerk add 500 minutes to his account.
Wouldn't it be easy
for the police to track him?
-They were at his house when he got home.
-I'll be in my office.
Martha O'Dell comes back
at the end of the week.
And the health office says
there's a virus running around.
MARTHA: Gonna be a good show tonight?
-Yes.
Then why don't I just sit
next to you...
...keep you company
and laugh along with America?
-I don't have a place for you to sit tonight.
WOMAN 1 : Here you go, Ms. O'Dell.
MARTHA: Thanks, Billy.
-Thanks, Billy.
MAN 1 [OVER LOUDSPEAKERS] :
Fifteen.
WOMAN 2: Back 15.
SUZANNE: Danny?
You look good in your new clothes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-What happened?
-Real life.
MAN 2:
In three, two....
[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]
Ladies, there are four of you,
but I have but three roses.
As you know, I am an ltalian prince,
though this is my first time in ltaly...
...having spent my youth
in Union, New Jersey.
I speak menu Italian,
which is to say English.
But the trappings of royalty
have not brought me true love...
...and so I seek it here in prime time.
PRlNCE:
Shane, we share so many interests.
Early Roman fresco
and professional hockey.
-Go, Devils.
-Go, Devils.
But, Shane,
here in my ancestral home...
...you already did me
under the pergola by the basilica...
...and so it's time to move on.
-I understand, Your Highness.
-Heh, heh.
Antelopia, I find myself
strangely attracted to you.
WOMAN:
Here, give it over here.
PRlNCE: When you spoke
of your Rick Springfield....
Listen, it's on the news.
The guy killed his family and then himself.
-No.
-Yeah, he did it in the wrong order.
Yeah.
They're cutting the hostage sketch.
They'll let us know...
...by the end of the first half-hour
what they're filling with.
Then this is a good week
for there not to be a writing staff.
SlMON:
Yeah.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
MATT:
You guys are pretty far away.
Anybody want to go around the room?
Relax, okay, we're gonna be fine.
I have a lot of faith in the two of you.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
-I'm sorry?
-Pardon?
-I didn't hear you.
-I said thank you.
-Me too.
-You're welcome.
-I'm sorry?
-You're welcome.
Danny told me about a story
in Saturday's paper.
A guy walked into a T-Mobile store
with a gun...
...and demanded they give him
an additional 500 minutes.
He was easy to trace
because they had his cell phone account.
You guys wanna take a whack at writing
a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal?
BOTH: Sure.
-I'm sorry?
BOTH: Sure.
-Right, great.
I'm right upstairs when you need me.
We're gonna be great.
-How's it going?
-Good.
-Good, good, good.
-Yeah?
-Absolutely.
-Good.
-Yeah.
-We need a little help.
-Remember Andy Mackinaw?
-Yeah. No. Yeah.
He was a very serious guy.
-I thought he was talented.
-Ricky and Ron let him go?
-Even more proof.
-ls he funny?
-I think so.
-Because I remember him being very serious.
-Serious about comedy.
-What's he doing now?
He just did an experimental thing
at a theater in Pasadena.
MATT: It was a translation
of Look Back in Anger.
DANNY: Look Back in Anger
was written in English.
-Yeah, he translated it into Dutch.
-Why?
-I don't know, just as an exercise.
-And it was funny?
I didn't see it, but I'll bet it was.
Yeah, Look Back in Anger
is irresistibly funny to begin with.
I'd think the comic rat-a-tat-tat...
...of Osborne's play
must soar even higher in Dutch.
-Yeah.
-ln Pasadena.
A couple of years ago, his wife and his
daughter were killed in a car accident.
-No.
-Yeah.
-Andy's wife and daughter were killed?
-Yeah.
-When?
-A couple of years ago.
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I heard and I didn't tell you.
-I would've called him.
-You didn't remember him.
I remembered that he was serious.
I'd imagine he's more serious now.
-I thought I'd ask him to come in.
-It's up to you.
Just for the week
until we get staffed up again.
You think he can help?
-lf he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah.
-A what?
A nice thing to do. It'll be good luck.
We're out.
[CLATTERS]
Get the nurse. Danny?
DANNY:
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
It's Danny, can you hear me?
-Here, just stay right there.
-I'm all right.
-Don't get up. You fainted.
NURSE: Hear me?
I can hear everybody, let's go.
MAN: Ninety seconds.
-Don't get up.
-They gotta strike the set.
-Don't get up, Dylan.
I'm standing.
I've gotta make a change.
DANNY: Guys, give him a hand.
-I got it.
-What does he have?
-8:20.
-You got all the time in the world.
-I'm fine.
-Yeah, you are. Okay.
-This thing's gonna kill us all.
Thanks, sunshine.
NURSE: And could these lights
possibly be any hotter?
-No, this is as hot as they get.
MAN: Sixty seconds.
On the couch.
-He's got 8:20.
-I'm fine, I gotta change.
-You've got time.
-Thank you.
-Put this around your neck.
-Thanks.
-You're hot.
-It's about time you noticed.
Don't flirt with me, rook.
-Drink this, baby.
-Thanks.
You fainted in drag...
...and we're not gonna let you
forget that soon.
-You're gonna get a shot.
-I'm not great with needles.
-I'll tell you my joke.
-He's not suffering enough?
Hey, I just need to practice it.
Hi. A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay?
With his mouth full.
MAN: Jewish guy doesn't have his mouth--
-Mother has her mouth full.
-Nobody has their mouth full.
-Damn.
-No, here it is. Do it.
-Tom.
-You need more trajectory. Do it.
-That's paint thinner.
-Beautiful.
-Do me again.
[AlR HORN BLARES AND MEN GlGGLE]
-What was that?
TOM: An air horn.
-Why's there an air horn here?
-Maybe for such an occasion.
I'm better than all of you.
And the proof is I got into
The American Falstaff Society.
SlMON: I'm already in.
-All right.
-Then I'm better than you.
-Feed me.
Bitter? I barely knew her.
[ALL LAUGHlNG]
-Matt.
-Yeah.
-I got into The Falstaff Society.
-Hey, great. Are you the first woman?
-I'm the 1 1 th woman.
-Cool.
I'm the first woman
from the Great Lakes region.
-You're quite a pioneer.
-I am.
I'm being inducted Saturday night.
I need to tell a joke.
-What kind?
-Henny Youngman.
Set it up, knock it down.
A Jewish guy calls his mother
and says "Mom, how are you? "
Mother says,
"Terrible, I haven't eaten in 38 days."
He says, "Why haven't
you eaten in 38 days? "
Mother says, "l didn't want
my mouth full in case you should call."
A Jewish guy has his mouth full.
-What?
-Wait. A Jewish guy calls his mother.
-He hasn't eaten in 38 days.
-The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
No, the guy says,
"How are you, Mom? "
-The mother says--
-"l haven't eaten in 38 days."
-Right.
-Yes.
And the son says,
"Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
"Because my mouth is full.
I didn't want my mouth to be full."
-Let me start at the beginning.
-What's the matter?
Don't pressure me. Tell me it again.
Hang on, I've seen this syndrome.
Do me a favor.
Guy walks into a doctor
with a duck on his head.
Doctor says, "What can I do? "
Duck says:
"Doc, would you get this guy
off my ass? "
-Guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office.
-You can't tell a joke.
-I can too.
-No, you can't.
Like a young child,
you hear a joke, get it...
...and can't reconstruct
the moving parts.
-That's not true.
-Harriet can't tell a joke.
-I can.
MATT: Watch this.
-Hang on.
-What's going on?
The FBl's surrounded a house
in Grosse Pointe.
DANNY: A guy's in there with his wife,
three kids and a gun.
There's no way this ends well.
-MAN: Stand by.
-Ladies and gentlemen, Corrine Bailey Rae.
MAN:
And go camera two.
[CORRlNE BAlLY RAE SlNGlNG]
[CELL PHONE VlBRATlNG]
Yeah, could I get a large
half pepperoni, half sausage?
DANNY: Problem is when you were little,
your parents told you you were funny.
You didn't realize
they're trying to be nice.
DANNY:
Give me something to fill with.
A complicated procedure
Cal needs to go through.
Put the new sketch at the end
and backs everything up one.
-Right.
-He's gonna need NORAD for that.
Do you have anything?
Nothing we cut from dress
I'd wanna put back.
We'll go with something
we don't like.
And that's the difference
between me and you.
-I don't give up.
-Okay.
MATT: I'm a doer.
-I know.
I'm an American, not an American't.
Are you chewing gum?
You know what that sounds like?
I'm chewing nicotine gum, Mrs. Cleaver,
which I'm now addicted to.
-Well, spit it out.
-Did I tell you...
...I went into hair and makeup and half
the cast was standing around doing--?
Hey, here we go.
"Spit-take Theater."
We use the living room set
from the hostage sketch...
...and wardrobe puts everybody
in Armani and Chanel.
-And everybody does spit-takes?
-Yeah.
MATT: Let me get Lucy and Darius involved.
They may have a sketch on after all.
-I can have it on cards by News 60.
DANNY: I can tell Cal?
-Yeah.
-All right, go.
Have you let Martha have it
for her column?
Huh?
Said you'd let Martha have it
and I wanted to see that.
DANNY: I banished her from the floor.
MATT: She's right on the floor next to you.
Well, she has full access.
She's waving at me right now.
-I know.
-lt almost seems like she's mocking you.
Drama Boy, go write four and a half pages
about people spitting at each other.
You think you may have been
hard on Martha?
Go.
DANNY: I'm gonna kill this woman.
MAN: Who's that?
-Martha O'Dell.
-I thought you two were becoming friends.
First of all,
she's calling Tom's movie a failure.
-She reviewing movies?
-She's relating it to Washington.
But she's calling it a failure because
it only made 9 million last weekend.
DANNY: Get an umbrella.
-Who thought it was gonna rain this long?
The ground around here
can't hold this much water.
And now desert animals are starting
to come into my house.
-Snakes and worms.
-Read Martha's column today?
Yaks are walking into my house.
She uses a post on a website
as a source.
-I'll let her have it.
-I wouldn't. I'm scared of her.
-I'm not.
-Okay.
MATT: Andy, it's good to see you.
-How are you?
-Good, you remember Danny?
-Of course.
Good to see you.
Thanks for helping us out.
I don't think I'll be able to do that,
but whatever.
Okay, that's the spirit.
-I'll be in my office.
MATT: There are just two of them.
I'm not expecting anything,
so no pressure.
I'll be doing the lion's share
of the writing.
I just wanted to put
some experience in the room.
Lucy Kenwright, Darius Hawthorne,
this is Andy Mackinaw.
They're working on a sketch about
a bad criminal. Why don't you--?
-How many sketches have you had on?
-Me?
How many sketches
have you had on the air?
I haven't-- None.
-What about you?
-I was just hired last week.
They're fresh.
-ls there anything new?
-Yeah, the FBl talked--
-I was asking them.
-Sure, establish a special bond.
-Great.
-Blond girl.
The guy put his 5-year-old
on the phone...
...because the FBl needed assurances
that everyone was okay.
And? You?
The girl said she was okay, but her father
was keeping her sisters in a separate room.
-Heh. Why don't we start--?
-Why don't we start...
...by sitting a little closer to each other?
You can see there
police have secured....
-This has been more than 24 hours now.
-Twenty-seven hours.
-They love this one.
-The news loves rich people gone mad.
By Thursday,
his property will have doubled in size.
Let's sit down.
JORDAN: The Beat?
WOMAN: We're waiting on Taylor's rewrite.
-Should be when?
WOMAN: Monday.
-Are we anywhere on casting?
-We're waiting.
-Gina?
-Carrie.
-The show. Gina?
MAN: I've read it and it needs work.
-How much?
-Page one.
-Why did we buy it?
MAN: It was an overall.
-Cross-Country?
-Casting's got a good list.
JORDAN:
Casting's got a wish list.
When Spencer Tracy passes,
I wanna know who they're going to.
JORDAN: Gina can be a good vehicle
for somebody.
It can be a racecar.
-Racecar is a palindrome.
-I'm sorry?
It's a palindrome.
Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.
Why is Lunch Pail still on here?
Guys, I passed on this.
-Jack wanted us to make a bid.
-Yeah?
-Jordan--
-Okay, that's it.
JORDAN:
We'll meet again this afternoon.
Carrie, stick around.
-How did he know about it?
-I'm sorry.
-It's just that I felt strongly about it.
-You should've expressed that to me.
-I apologize.
-All right, don't worry about it.
-All right.
-Hang on.
There's a thing around
and I'm not gonna get it.
When I pass on something,
don't put it back in development.
-Second of all, Lunch Pail sucks out loud.
-Hang on.
And finally, Danny Tripp told me...
...what you two talked about
on the plane last week.
-What do you mean?
-[lN FUNNY VOlCE] "What do you mean? "
Flawless impersonation.
You told him you thought I'll get fired.
-I think you'll get fired.
-On what grounds?
There's growing public perception
that you're a twit.
That exists only inside this building
and possibly only inside this office.
It exists inside Newsweek too, J-Mac.
-Did you read it?
-Yes.
The way you sit in a chair
in a meeting is "kittenish."
You toss your hair back.
You speak in a wispy voice. Girlish.
I was surprised by how the woman's editor
let her get away with "-ish."
-But you know what she's saying.
-Cheerleaders didn't wanna sit next to her.
I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton.
What does it matter?
-You are.
-What?
Paris Hilton.
You got made into Paris Hilton.
Press decided they needed a new one
and you're good casting.
When people tune in to the new schedule,
they won't care if I'm Paris Hilton--
I hear that, but right now,
your constituency is the TMG board.
Three board members, by the way,
are on my phone sheet right now...
...and they all wanna talk
about Newsweek.
Or Crazy Christians. Or the sex clubs.
They'll wanna know
why you're not lifting a finger to stop it...
...despite the fact that
Shelley and I have begged you to.
I don't owe the people who read
the National Enquirer an explanation.
How about your board of directors?
[GROANS]
Is there anything else?
I'll have Shelley set something up.
One interview.
Newsweek?
Screw Newsweek, I wouldn't wanna sit
in my chair the wrong way.
Time Magazine.
Attaboy.
I'm on page two and I don't know
what the sketch is about.
It's about a hapless criminal
in a hostage situation.
You're gonna have to explain it
to the audience like that...
...because I'm on page two and I don't
know what the sketch is about.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
You can't do jokes
until you've stated the premise.
Once we state the premise,
is the rest of it funny?
-You don't wanna use me as a test for that.
-Why not?
I don't find anything funny.
We've been working on one sketch
for five days. We've done 1 3 passes.
I have a good feeling about the 1 4th.
SUZANNE: Excuse me.
-Hello.
-They said you wanted to see me.
-Yeah, listen.
Maisy left with Ron and Ricky.
Are you interested
in being Matt's assistant?
-Me?
-Yeah. You get a nice raise.
-I don't need a raise.
-Okay.
I'll take the raise.
Come on.
Keep his appointments,
keep his phone sheet...
...and you keep people out.
Everybody wants 1 0 minutes.
You're the gatekeeper.
-How do I know who to let in?
-You'll learn.
-Read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
-Yes.
Agree that it's terrible...
...she sourced an anonymous
web posting to support her point?
-I liked the piece.
-Never disagree with me.
-lt made me sick.
-All right.
-Speaking of sick--
-You and Matt need shots. I'll set it up.
-Veronica.
-Yeah.
It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's
agreed to be your assistant.
-lf you'll take me.
-I'll take the hell out of you.
Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Sure, but I have to wake up
for school now.
Tell Karen to draw you
$200 from petty cash...
...and buy some nice work clothes.
-Two hundred dollars?
-It's on us.
-Am I working for Matt in 1 963?
DANNY: How much do you need?
I've got some stuff in my closet.
You both need B-1 2 shots from the nurse.
-I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
-Why not?
Memo said you can't have the shot
if you're pregnant.
-lt can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
DANNY: I'm not pregnant.
Have you checked?
You've been hormonal.
-It's testosterone.
-It's estrogen.
Suzanne, why don't you get Danny
one of those little kits?
-Probably keep a bunch in your car.
-He's trying to get a riff.
-Don't feed the fire and it'll go out.
MATT: One more.
-What?
-You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
Chevy Chase woke up one day
and he just wasn't funny anymore.
Thanks, Suzanne.
-Hey, come on in.
MATT: Fatigue set in.
They re-established communication,
he's trying to negotiate, they're optimistic.
ANDY: That's good.
-How's it going down there?
-Fine. I'm gonna go home.
-For the day?
Forever.
They're talented people,
just inexperienced.
And they need a teacher
the way you and I had Wes.
When you walked me into the room
on Tuesday, you said the following:
"There's no pressure.
I'm gonna write most of the show.
There's no pressure,
they don't have to do anything."
-It's true.
ANDY: They know that.
They're trying, but they know
they're not getting anything on the air.
Lesson one is they gotta live and die
on Friday night.
They gotta feel like success
in a three-minute sketch...
...is the same thing as love.
And they've gotta fear failure
like it's grim death.
They gotta be
as damaged as you are.
That's a lot to shoot for, Andy.
It is. I try to yell at them
as often as I can.
That's a good start,
just not good enough.
-What do you think?
-Toss them in the river.
If the union would let me drown them,
don't you think I'd have done that?
Give their sketch a spot
at the dress tonight.
Let them hear what
300 people not laughing sounds like.
All right.
-Are you still holding Tuesday's paper?
-I can't allow this to go unprotested.
-Martha's column?
-Yes.
Any chance you're making
too big a deal out of it?
-No.
-You're ushering in the end of the world.
-I don't think I am.
-Torn its ticket, handed it a program.
-Showing it to its seat.
-Because I didn't like the movie?
I didn't either,
but you called it a failure.
And your basis was that
it only grossed 9 million...
...at the domestic box.
-A commercial failure.
-What do you care?
What does anybody care
except the studio or the exhibitor?
Why are budgets and grosses printed
in your paper like they're sports scores?
We cover business.
Doesn't get printed in the business section.
It's in the arts section.
In this case,
it was printed in my column...
...which is in the Op-Ed section.
And I was using the lack of commercial
success to make my point.
That wasn't the only thing
you were using.
You kept the newspaper?
"Dilbert27 writes,
'lts failure is no surprise.
It's typical high-minded
indie film claptrap...
...to make us care about
hayseeds suffering from Lyme disease.'"
-So go yell at Dilbert27.
-I can't.
I don't know who Dilbert27 is,
and neither do you.
You sourced an anonymous web post
to support your point?
Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
for the New York freaking Times?
At first I wasn't sure, but now that
I see Dilbert27 agrees with her--
-Are you kidding me?
-Your fly's open.
Made you look.
I'm right, she's wrong
and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl.
She's writing a story
about our show, so maybe not.
-This is more important.
-What?
-Me being right.
-Okay, here it is.
Nobody here knows
how to operate an umbrella?
-A guy calls his mother.
-Oh, God.
The guy says, "How are you, Mom? "
-Damn.
MATT: Yeah.
-The guy's Jewish.
-Yeah.
All right, a guy calls his mother.
He's Jewish.
She can't tell a joke?
A Jewish guy calls his mother
on the phone.
It's like watching a drunken man
cross an icy street.
-Go dry yourself.
-Yeah, okay.
SHELLEY:
The rain's turned traffic upside down.
PCH has been closed since Monday...
...and getting through the canyons
is an adventure.
-Excuse me.
-Bill Chatzky.
-You ready?
-You can settle in first.
No, Bill, let's do it to it.
CHATZKY: Okay.
"Ten Questions for Jordan McDeere."
They tell me you've been reluctant
to speak on your own behalf.
JORDAN: Yes.
-Why?
You know how you win
at three card monty?
-How?
-Get someone to play.
Does it anger you when people say
that you're just a pretty face?
I always forgive my enemies.
Nothing annoys them nearly as much.
Ha.
Speaking of enemies...
...at your very first press conference,
you left some with the impression...
...that you regard the Christian Right
as an enemy to be either beaten or ignored.
-ls that accurate?
-No. Beaten and then ignored.
And now, the serious answer?
I admire people of faith. All faiths.
That's not hard for me to do...
...because I went
to Catholic school K through 1 2...
-...and nobody's more nuts than we are.
CHATZKY: Heh.
Did you buy a pilot script
called Nations?
I did more than that.
I made a full series commitment.
It's a one-hour drama about the U.N.
How wide do you imagine its appeal will be?
Hundred and ninety-one countries
belong to it...
...but I can see how we'd have problems
syndicating to Taiwan and Vatican City.
Again, the serious answer.
The Pew Research Center says the two
most reviled professions in America...
...are in this order, lawyers and doctors.
Hasn't stopped shows
about lawyers and doctors.
I'm sure you weren't happy to learn
that your ex-husband is publishing a book.
He makes claims in it about your lifestyle
when you two were together.
Do you wanna respond to that?
Only to say that we had a lifestyle
and we were together...
...and I regret both of those things
very deeply.
What did your husband do
when you met him?
He dealt three card monty.
I can tell you enjoy
giving humorous answers.
And it's disarming.
But some people wonder if you're aware
of the serious jeopardy you're in.
-Yeah?
-Yes.
-What people would that be?
-You mean specifically.
-Yes.
-Why not move on to the next question?
I wanna stay with this one.
There's talk among people in the industry.
It's been reported--
JORDAN: The talk among people
in the industry--
And that was absolutely
penetrating specificity.
--hasn't been reported, it's been created.
The way it just was a moment ago.
Stories need conflict,
that's understandable.
Except reporters aren't supposed
to be storytellers.
Stop trying to entertain me.
-You don't like the press.
-That was 1 0 questions.
By the press, you're talking about
a lot of people. I don't like you.
I don't think you've spoken to a person
who's unhappy with my job performance.
You're "reporting" on what you
and the guy in the cubicle next to you...
...were talking about at lunch.
That makes you a hairdresser...
-...and a cockfight promoter.
-Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKERS] : Great dress.
Great dress rehearsals, everybody.
Thank you very much. Great dress.
Yeah, that's what tanking is like.
-That was unbearable.
-Wasn ' t it though?
-Was it really only three and a half minutes?
ANDY: No.
It ran short because
no one had to hold for laughs.
It wasn't wasted time.
You gave people a chance
to think about their lives...
...and where they parked their cars.
-Let's get out here.
-Stand there another minute.
-Why?
-The metaphor.
There you go. All right, come on.
Here's what you wanna do.
LUCY: What?
-Drink.
-You did this on purpose, didn't you?
-I did.
-I'm trying it again.
ANDY: Gonna try to write another sketch?
-I'm writing this sketch.
-Yes.
Usually it's that 23rd pass
where you have a breakthrough.
Hey, you can stand there
or you can help us but either way....
-You know?
-You really laid me low with that one.
-What if we simplified the whole thing?
DARlUS: That's what I was thinking.
I'd just sit in the dark and weep.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
The worst criminal in the world
has taken hostages in a bank.
LUCY: Let's throw out everything
that isn't that.
MATT: We're gonna need the nurse.
DANNY: She's coming.
-Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it.
DANNY: They'll be fine.
MATT: Like they've got something
you can only catch in Africa.
DANNY: Did you get a shot?
-I've already had mine.
-It's a miracle drug.
-B-1 2?
Yeah, it gets everybody through the show.
Energy, stamina, improved immune system.
-Margaret Thatcher got one every day.
-Did you get one?
-No.
-ls it because you're pregnant?
Try that callback many times.
It still won't be as funny as you want.
Speaking of not funny,
we'll lose "Metric Conversion."
-"Bedtime Stories."
-"Bad Clams"?
-"Bad Clams."
ANDY: Excuse me.
DANNY: Hey.
-Keep the hostage sketch.
They've got a rewrite.
MATT: Dress came down 20 minutes ago.
-They did it.
-Suzanne.
SUZANNE: Yeah.
Remember when I told you
about being a gatekeeper?
SUZANNE: Yes, sir.
-This is why.
Guys, I know you worked hard
all week, but it isn't there yet.
It is now.
-What?
-lt is.
Solid double up the middle.
We'll cut "Prison Art Collector"
and put it in the 1 2:45.
The reason I'm putting it at the end
is so Harry and Sim have time to rehearse.
-What are you saying?
-You got a sketch on tonight.
-What?
DANNY: You're professional writers.
Go call your parents.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.
-Get a timing from Cal, might be short.
-It's not gonna be with the laughs.
-Thank you.
-What?
Thank you.
Go.
Thank you.
Ah. I don't know. I maybe might have,
um....
-What?
-Enjoyed it a little.
-I don't know.
-You'll come back one more week?
One more week.
The result of a mitzvah.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
[DEAL OR NO DEAL MUSlC PLAYlNG]
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances
by continuing the monologue...
...and choosing your next joke
from one of these two briefcases.
Or you can walk backstage
and get ready for your first sketch.
Yeah, you know I was hoping
to do something different tonight--
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
DANNY:
Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen.
-Right.
-I don't stay on the phone that long.
MAN:
Camera three's ready.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Shelton.
[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]
Take this to the floor.
-You've got it too?
-How are you the only one who's not sick?
HARRlET: I'll tell you. I'm a medical marvel.
-Yeah?
A guy calls his mother after 38 years.
Days.
Wait.
-Damn it.
-Kill me right now.
You look good in your new clothes.
Just be watching at 1 2:45.
And tell Sherry and Jill.
Twelve-forty-five.
Make sure Grandma's up.
About a guy who takes hostages,
but he's bad at it.
It's Lucy. It's true,
I have a sketch on tonight.
-Guys?
-I gotta go, 1 2:45.
I have to get off the phone now.
The show's already started. I love you.
The guy in Grosse Pointe just killed
everybody and then himself.
He killed the kids?
Yeah.
Well, it would be in bad taste
to do the sketch.
Yeah.
-I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those--
ANDY: They're all right.
They're pros.
Good.
We'll come up with something
in the next 20 minutes...
...rehearse it and put it in
the end of the show.
You don't wanna put back
something from dress?
I think the four of us can top it.
Something simple using the same set.
-You're just gonna wing it?
-No, no, no. We're gonna wing it.
Take 1 0 minutes to think on your own
and then we'll pitch.
Paul McCartney
says writing new music...
...sustained him
through his acrimonious divorce.
Tracks off his latest album include,
"l Earned lt, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut."
And the prom ballad,
"Way Worse Than Yoko."
SlMON: And finally, Pakistan's Parliament
is debating its controversial rape law.
Under a proposed new amendment...
...a rape victim would no longer
have to produce four witnesses.
Instead, she will be required
to produce a unicorn.
-I'm Simon Stiles.
-I'm Harriet Hayes and that's the news.
MAN: We're out.
-It's called a man-on-the-street interview.
I never knew why I was to care
about the man on the street...
...but at least he looked like
the man on the street. We saw him.
He was the regional distributor
for a soft drink company.
He was catching his train.
I don't know whether Dilbert27
is 1 0 years old or a Labrador retriever.
Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him.
Would you get your face
out of that computer?
Life is happening all around you
and you're watching the commentary.
I'm reading an e-mail from a colleague
who says Jordan punted a Time interview.
-What happened?
-I've just been sent the interview.
Should I read it or should I observe
the life that's happening all around me?
Did he ask you if you liked him?
-No.
-You just volunteered that you didn't.
Yeah.
And that you feel reporters
are a bunch of hairdressers.
Not all reporters. I made it very clear
I was talking about him.
Much better.
If you wanna explode, Jack,
you're right, go ahead.
No, I've done that already.
-Jack, l--
-What can I tell you, Jordan?
You've got two lives, okay?
The real one and the character
you play in the press.
The audience doesn't care about
the character I play in the press, Jack.
They just don't.
Your audience is Wilson White
and the board of TMG.
You were supposed to fix it
and you made it worse.
HARRlET: Knock, knock.
-God.
-Knock, knock, rook.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
WOMAN: Banana.
-Orange.
-Banana.
It's banana. Banana, banana, banana.
Then you say orange.
"'Orange' you glad I didn't say banana? "
Four-year-olds tell it.
Okay, well, calm down.
I happen to be a member of-- What?
-Falstaff.
-Falstaff Society.
All right, here it is. It's easy,
but pay attention. Spit-Take Theater.
Same five actors,
same set, elegant clothes.
It's going on the cards
and we'll mark it in the next c-break.
You speak in a stentorian voice.
First round, the actor third to the left
of the person speaking does a spit-take.
Second round, actor third
to the left and immediately to the left...
...does a spit-take, and on the final round,
anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take.
-All right.
ALL: Good.
Wait, I made it through the week
without getting sick.
And we're ending the night
with everybody spitting at me?
-That's better.
-Yeah.
Everybody just spit at Harriet.
They should all--
ALL:
Good. Every time.
MANDEL: Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Corinne Bailey Rae.
[SlNGlNG MlD-TEMPO SONG]
[SONG CONTlNUES]
You wanna fight some more?
Yeah, in a minute.
I'll be right back.
-What's up?
-Hi, I just got here. Was it a good show?
I thought so. It got out of hand here
at the end, but that's good too.
-I screwed up so bad. I did.
-No, you didn't.
-Come on.
-I fell into every stereotype.
-Every clich? of--
-You were funny.
--what happens when a woman is--
-What?
-I was hormonal.
-What are you talking about?
-I was.
-What are you talking about?
Hey, this thing is on a couple
of websites now.
Reactions posted, almost 20 of them so far,
and they're incredibly supportive.
-I wrote one of them down.
-Who's it from?
-lt doesn't matter.
-Who's it from?
A guy named Dilbert27,
but I think he's right on the money.
-Oh, hell.
-What?
-All right, we'll sit right here on the floor.
-I'm okay.
Okay, we'll just sit right here.
-This happened to Dylan during the show.
-I'm okay.
-No, no, no. No, you're hot. Sit right here.
-I'm okay.
-I'm gonna get the nurse.
-Okay.
-She's gonna give you a B-1 2 shot.
-I can't.
-Be right back.
-I can't have the shot.
-Just sit here.
-Make sure she doesn't give me the shot.
-You're pregnant.
-I'm pregnant.
[ENGLlSH SDH]
Previously on Studio 60:
-He's not the only one I'm taking.
-Who else?
-Everybody.
-Yeah?
-Get Lucy and the new guy.
-Darius.
-Yeah.
-Listen to me. You're very winning.
Not to me, but to everyone else.
DANNY:
Go control your own press.
Danny, I wouldn't get
too many eggs in Jordan's basket.
-I don't think she's gonna make it.
-We'll staff back up.
Till we do, it's gonna be you
and two freshman writers.
That's two writers more than I had before.
It's gonna be fine.
ANNOUNCER:
With musical guest, Corinne Bailey Rae.
-Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel.
MANDEL: Thank you.
[CHEERlNG AND APPLAUSE]
Thanks a lot. Thank you very much.
Please, settle down.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
It's great to be here hosting Studio 60.
Now, you may know I've been hosting
my own show, Deal or No Deal.
Thanks, great show, great job.
But I look forward
to leave that behind for a night...
...and getting back to my roots,
live comedy.
The producers said
I can do anything I wanted...
-...so I thought I'd do a little of my--
DANNY: Howie?
Yeah? This is Daniel Tripp,
the executive producer.
MAN:
It's in the show.
[APPLAUSE]
So far, the monologue's going well.
You've been greeted warmly
by the audience.
You've hit your camera mark,
you've dropped in a plug for your show.
[DEAL OR NO DEAL
MUSlC PLAYS]
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances
by continuing the monologue...
...and choosing your next joke
from one of these two briefcases...
...or you can walk backstage
and get ready for your first sketch.
You know, I was hoping
to do something different tonight....
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
DANNY:
Call from the bank.
DANNY:
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen....
DANNY:
Mm-hm.
[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
-Right.
-I don't stay on the phone that long.
MANDEL:
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
[AUDlENCE APPLAUDS]
DANNY:
Right.
-You all right? Dizzy?
-No more than usual.
-Jeannie.
-I'm fine. Let's play ball.
-You're sweating.
-I was hot during the open.
-Come here.
-I'm all right.
There's a reporter doing a story
for Vanity Fair, she's allowed backstage.
Yeah.
[THERMOMETER BEEPS]
-1 01.7.
-Yeah.
-Loosen your pants.
-Aw.
Fine, okay, I'll take Briefcase Number 1.
Open the case.
Corinne Bailey Rae is here.
-Stick around, we'll be right back.
MAN: Go music.
MAN 1 :
We're out.
Whew.
MARTHA: I'm here.
-Now, let me explain something.
The green room is where second cousins
go, agents and the girls with the band.
VlPs go in the NBS box
and when Hanks and Springsteen come by...
...they can watch the show in Matt's office,
or down on the floor with me.
Reporters who write dumb stories
about friends of mine...
...watch the show at the ln-N-Out
down the street. And that is you, sister.
What a bummer for you
I've got a press pass.
What's the matter with you?
If you didn't like my column on Tuesday,
say so.
-I didn't like your column Tuesday.
MAN 2: Two minutes.
I was gonna watch the show
with the writers tonight.
-Where are they?
-At the ln-N-Out down the street.
-What do you mean?
-Ricky and Ron left...
...to do Peripheral Vision Man at Fox
and they took most of the staff with them.
Stuff happened while I was gone?
Stuff happened.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
MATT:
Hey.
DANNY: You're pretty wet.
-ls that right?
Have a hard time getting here?
The San Gabriel Mountains
have fallen into Beverly Hills.
And the prayers of a grateful nation
are answered.
I didn't dream it, right?
The writing staff quit on Friday?
-Most of them, yeah.
-Okay.
DANNY: And Maisy too.
-Really?
It was a loyalty thing.
We'll find you someone else.
Anything funny happen
over the weekend?
A guy in a Chicago suburb
walked into a T-Mobile store...
...and demanded at gunpoint
the clerk add 500 minutes to his account.
Wouldn't it be easy
for the police to track him?
-They were at his house when he got home.
-I'll be in my office.
Martha O'Dell comes back
at the end of the week.
And the health office says
there's a virus running around.
MARTHA: Gonna be a good show tonight?
-Yes.
Then why don't I just sit
next to you...
...keep you company
and laugh along with America?
-I don't have a place for you to sit tonight.
WOMAN 1 : Here you go, Ms. O'Dell.
MARTHA: Thanks, Billy.
-Thanks, Billy.
MAN 1 [OVER LOUDSPEAKERS] :
Fifteen.
WOMAN 2: Back 15.
SUZANNE: Danny?
You look good in your new clothes.
[CLEARS THROAT]
-What happened?
-Real life.
MAN 2:
In three, two....
[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]
Ladies, there are four of you,
but I have but three roses.
As you know, I am an ltalian prince,
though this is my first time in ltaly...
...having spent my youth
in Union, New Jersey.
I speak menu Italian,
which is to say English.
But the trappings of royalty
have not brought me true love...
...and so I seek it here in prime time.
PRlNCE:
Shane, we share so many interests.
Early Roman fresco
and professional hockey.
-Go, Devils.
-Go, Devils.
But, Shane,
here in my ancestral home...
...you already did me
under the pergola by the basilica...
...and so it's time to move on.
-I understand, Your Highness.
-Heh, heh.
Antelopia, I find myself
strangely attracted to you.
WOMAN:
Here, give it over here.
PRlNCE: When you spoke
of your Rick Springfield....
Listen, it's on the news.
The guy killed his family and then himself.
-No.
-Yeah, he did it in the wrong order.
Yeah.
They're cutting the hostage sketch.
They'll let us know...
...by the end of the first half-hour
what they're filling with.
Then this is a good week
for there not to be a writing staff.
SlMON:
Yeah.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
MATT:
You guys are pretty far away.
Anybody want to go around the room?
Relax, okay, we're gonna be fine.
I have a lot of faith in the two of you.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
-I'm sorry?
-Pardon?
-I didn't hear you.
-I said thank you.
-Me too.
-You're welcome.
-I'm sorry?
-You're welcome.
Danny told me about a story
in Saturday's paper.
A guy walked into a T-Mobile store
with a gun...
...and demanded they give him
an additional 500 minutes.
He was easy to trace
because they had his cell phone account.
You guys wanna take a whack at writing
a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal?
BOTH: Sure.
-I'm sorry?
BOTH: Sure.
-Right, great.
I'm right upstairs when you need me.
We're gonna be great.
-How's it going?
-Good.
-Good, good, good.
-Yeah?
-Absolutely.
-Good.
-Yeah.
-We need a little help.
-Remember Andy Mackinaw?
-Yeah. No. Yeah.
He was a very serious guy.
-I thought he was talented.
-Ricky and Ron let him go?
-Even more proof.
-ls he funny?
-I think so.
-Because I remember him being very serious.
-Serious about comedy.
-What's he doing now?
He just did an experimental thing
at a theater in Pasadena.
MATT: It was a translation
of Look Back in Anger.
DANNY: Look Back in Anger
was written in English.
-Yeah, he translated it into Dutch.
-Why?
-I don't know, just as an exercise.
-And it was funny?
I didn't see it, but I'll bet it was.
Yeah, Look Back in Anger
is irresistibly funny to begin with.
I'd think the comic rat-a-tat-tat...
...of Osborne's play
must soar even higher in Dutch.
-Yeah.
-ln Pasadena.
A couple of years ago, his wife and his
daughter were killed in a car accident.
-No.
-Yeah.
-Andy's wife and daughter were killed?
-Yeah.
-When?
-A couple of years ago.
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I heard and I didn't tell you.
-I would've called him.
-You didn't remember him.
I remembered that he was serious.
I'd imagine he's more serious now.
-I thought I'd ask him to come in.
-It's up to you.
Just for the week
until we get staffed up again.
You think he can help?
-lf he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah.
-A what?
A nice thing to do. It'll be good luck.
We're out.
[CLATTERS]
Get the nurse. Danny?
DANNY:
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
It's Danny, can you hear me?
-Here, just stay right there.
-I'm all right.
-Don't get up. You fainted.
NURSE: Hear me?
I can hear everybody, let's go.
MAN: Ninety seconds.
-Don't get up.
-They gotta strike the set.
-Don't get up, Dylan.
I'm standing.
I've gotta make a change.
DANNY: Guys, give him a hand.
-I got it.
-What does he have?
-8:20.
-You got all the time in the world.
-I'm fine.
-Yeah, you are. Okay.
-This thing's gonna kill us all.
Thanks, sunshine.
NURSE: And could these lights
possibly be any hotter?
-No, this is as hot as they get.
MAN: Sixty seconds.
On the couch.
-He's got 8:20.
-I'm fine, I gotta change.
-You've got time.
-Thank you.
-Put this around your neck.
-Thanks.
-You're hot.
-It's about time you noticed.
Don't flirt with me, rook.
-Drink this, baby.
-Thanks.
You fainted in drag...
...and we're not gonna let you
forget that soon.
-You're gonna get a shot.
-I'm not great with needles.
-I'll tell you my joke.
-He's not suffering enough?
Hey, I just need to practice it.
Hi. A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay?
With his mouth full.
MAN: Jewish guy doesn't have his mouth--
-Mother has her mouth full.
-Nobody has their mouth full.
-Damn.
-No, here it is. Do it.
-Tom.
-You need more trajectory. Do it.
-That's paint thinner.
-Beautiful.
-Do me again.
[AlR HORN BLARES AND MEN GlGGLE]
-What was that?
TOM: An air horn.
-Why's there an air horn here?
-Maybe for such an occasion.
I'm better than all of you.
And the proof is I got into
The American Falstaff Society.
SlMON: I'm already in.
-All right.
-Then I'm better than you.
-Feed me.
Bitter? I barely knew her.
[ALL LAUGHlNG]
-Matt.
-Yeah.
-I got into The Falstaff Society.
-Hey, great. Are you the first woman?
-I'm the 1 1 th woman.
-Cool.
I'm the first woman
from the Great Lakes region.
-You're quite a pioneer.
-I am.
I'm being inducted Saturday night.
I need to tell a joke.
-What kind?
-Henny Youngman.
Set it up, knock it down.
A Jewish guy calls his mother
and says "Mom, how are you? "
Mother says,
"Terrible, I haven't eaten in 38 days."
He says, "Why haven't
you eaten in 38 days? "
Mother says, "l didn't want
my mouth full in case you should call."
A Jewish guy has his mouth full.
-What?
-Wait. A Jewish guy calls his mother.
-He hasn't eaten in 38 days.
-The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
No, the guy says,
"How are you, Mom? "
-The mother says--
-"l haven't eaten in 38 days."
-Right.
-Yes.
And the son says,
"Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
"Because my mouth is full.
I didn't want my mouth to be full."
-Let me start at the beginning.
-What's the matter?
Don't pressure me. Tell me it again.
Hang on, I've seen this syndrome.
Do me a favor.
Guy walks into a doctor
with a duck on his head.
Doctor says, "What can I do? "
Duck says:
"Doc, would you get this guy
off my ass? "
-Guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office.
-You can't tell a joke.
-I can too.
-No, you can't.
Like a young child,
you hear a joke, get it...
...and can't reconstruct
the moving parts.
-That's not true.
-Harriet can't tell a joke.
-I can.
MATT: Watch this.
-Hang on.
-What's going on?
The FBl's surrounded a house
in Grosse Pointe.
DANNY: A guy's in there with his wife,
three kids and a gun.
There's no way this ends well.
-MAN: Stand by.
-Ladies and gentlemen, Corrine Bailey Rae.
MAN:
And go camera two.
[CORRlNE BAlLY RAE SlNGlNG]
[CELL PHONE VlBRATlNG]
Yeah, could I get a large
half pepperoni, half sausage?
DANNY: Problem is when you were little,
your parents told you you were funny.
You didn't realize
they're trying to be nice.
DANNY:
Give me something to fill with.
A complicated procedure
Cal needs to go through.
Put the new sketch at the end
and backs everything up one.
-Right.
-He's gonna need NORAD for that.
Do you have anything?
Nothing we cut from dress
I'd wanna put back.
We'll go with something
we don't like.
And that's the difference
between me and you.
-I don't give up.
-Okay.
MATT: I'm a doer.
-I know.
I'm an American, not an American't.
Are you chewing gum?
You know what that sounds like?
I'm chewing nicotine gum, Mrs. Cleaver,
which I'm now addicted to.
-Well, spit it out.
-Did I tell you...
...I went into hair and makeup and half
the cast was standing around doing--?
Hey, here we go.
"Spit-take Theater."
We use the living room set
from the hostage sketch...
...and wardrobe puts everybody
in Armani and Chanel.
-And everybody does spit-takes?
-Yeah.
MATT: Let me get Lucy and Darius involved.
They may have a sketch on after all.
-I can have it on cards by News 60.
DANNY: I can tell Cal?
-Yeah.
-All right, go.
Have you let Martha have it
for her column?
Huh?
Said you'd let Martha have it
and I wanted to see that.
DANNY: I banished her from the floor.
MATT: She's right on the floor next to you.
Well, she has full access.
She's waving at me right now.
-I know.
-lt almost seems like she's mocking you.
Drama Boy, go write four and a half pages
about people spitting at each other.
You think you may have been
hard on Martha?
Go.
DANNY: I'm gonna kill this woman.
MAN: Who's that?
-Martha O'Dell.
-I thought you two were becoming friends.
First of all,
she's calling Tom's movie a failure.
-She reviewing movies?
-She's relating it to Washington.
But she's calling it a failure because
it only made 9 million last weekend.
DANNY: Get an umbrella.
-Who thought it was gonna rain this long?
The ground around here
can't hold this much water.
And now desert animals are starting
to come into my house.
-Snakes and worms.
-Read Martha's column today?
Yaks are walking into my house.
She uses a post on a website
as a source.
-I'll let her have it.
-I wouldn't. I'm scared of her.
-I'm not.
-Okay.
MATT: Andy, it's good to see you.
-How are you?
-Good, you remember Danny?
-Of course.
Good to see you.
Thanks for helping us out.
I don't think I'll be able to do that,
but whatever.
Okay, that's the spirit.
-I'll be in my office.
MATT: There are just two of them.
I'm not expecting anything,
so no pressure.
I'll be doing the lion's share
of the writing.
I just wanted to put
some experience in the room.
Lucy Kenwright, Darius Hawthorne,
this is Andy Mackinaw.
They're working on a sketch about
a bad criminal. Why don't you--?
-How many sketches have you had on?
-Me?
How many sketches
have you had on the air?
I haven't-- None.
-What about you?
-I was just hired last week.
They're fresh.
-ls there anything new?
-Yeah, the FBl talked--
-I was asking them.
-Sure, establish a special bond.
-Great.
-Blond girl.
The guy put his 5-year-old
on the phone...
...because the FBl needed assurances
that everyone was okay.
And? You?
The girl said she was okay, but her father
was keeping her sisters in a separate room.
-Heh. Why don't we start--?
-Why don't we start...
...by sitting a little closer to each other?
You can see there
police have secured....
-This has been more than 24 hours now.
-Twenty-seven hours.
-They love this one.
-The news loves rich people gone mad.
By Thursday,
his property will have doubled in size.
Let's sit down.
JORDAN: The Beat?
WOMAN: We're waiting on Taylor's rewrite.
-Should be when?
WOMAN: Monday.
-Are we anywhere on casting?
-We're waiting.
-Gina?
-Carrie.
-The show. Gina?
MAN: I've read it and it needs work.
-How much?
-Page one.
-Why did we buy it?
MAN: It was an overall.
-Cross-Country?
-Casting's got a good list.
JORDAN:
Casting's got a wish list.
When Spencer Tracy passes,
I wanna know who they're going to.
JORDAN: Gina can be a good vehicle
for somebody.
It can be a racecar.
-Racecar is a palindrome.
-I'm sorry?
It's a palindrome.
Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.
Why is Lunch Pail still on here?
Guys, I passed on this.
-Jack wanted us to make a bid.
-Yeah?
-Jordan--
-Okay, that's it.
JORDAN:
We'll meet again this afternoon.
Carrie, stick around.
-How did he know about it?
-I'm sorry.
-It's just that I felt strongly about it.
-You should've expressed that to me.
-I apologize.
-All right, don't worry about it.
-All right.
-Hang on.
There's a thing around
and I'm not gonna get it.
When I pass on something,
don't put it back in development.
-Second of all, Lunch Pail sucks out loud.
-Hang on.
And finally, Danny Tripp told me...
...what you two talked about
on the plane last week.
-What do you mean?
-[lN FUNNY VOlCE] "What do you mean? "
Flawless impersonation.
You told him you thought I'll get fired.
-I think you'll get fired.
-On what grounds?
There's growing public perception
that you're a twit.
That exists only inside this building
and possibly only inside this office.
It exists inside Newsweek too, J-Mac.
-Did you read it?
-Yes.
The way you sit in a chair
in a meeting is "kittenish."
You toss your hair back.
You speak in a wispy voice. Girlish.
I was surprised by how the woman's editor
let her get away with "-ish."
-But you know what she's saying.
-Cheerleaders didn't wanna sit next to her.
I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton.
What does it matter?
-You are.
-What?
Paris Hilton.
You got made into Paris Hilton.
Press decided they needed a new one
and you're good casting.
When people tune in to the new schedule,
they won't care if I'm Paris Hilton--
I hear that, but right now,
your constituency is the TMG board.
Three board members, by the way,
are on my phone sheet right now...
...and they all wanna talk
about Newsweek.
Or Crazy Christians. Or the sex clubs.
They'll wanna know
why you're not lifting a finger to stop it...
...despite the fact that
Shelley and I have begged you to.
I don't owe the people who read
the National Enquirer an explanation.
How about your board of directors?
[GROANS]
Is there anything else?
I'll have Shelley set something up.
One interview.
Newsweek?
Screw Newsweek, I wouldn't wanna sit
in my chair the wrong way.
Time Magazine.
Attaboy.
I'm on page two and I don't know
what the sketch is about.
It's about a hapless criminal
in a hostage situation.
You're gonna have to explain it
to the audience like that...
...because I'm on page two and I don't
know what the sketch is about.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
You can't do jokes
until you've stated the premise.
Once we state the premise,
is the rest of it funny?
-You don't wanna use me as a test for that.
-Why not?
I don't find anything funny.
We've been working on one sketch
for five days. We've done 1 3 passes.
I have a good feeling about the 1 4th.
SUZANNE: Excuse me.
-Hello.
-They said you wanted to see me.
-Yeah, listen.
Maisy left with Ron and Ricky.
Are you interested
in being Matt's assistant?
-Me?
-Yeah. You get a nice raise.
-I don't need a raise.
-Okay.
I'll take the raise.
Come on.
Keep his appointments,
keep his phone sheet...
...and you keep people out.
Everybody wants 1 0 minutes.
You're the gatekeeper.
-How do I know who to let in?
-You'll learn.
-Read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
-Yes.
Agree that it's terrible...
...she sourced an anonymous
web posting to support her point?
-I liked the piece.
-Never disagree with me.
-lt made me sick.
-All right.
-Speaking of sick--
-You and Matt need shots. I'll set it up.
-Veronica.
-Yeah.
It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's
agreed to be your assistant.
-lf you'll take me.
-I'll take the hell out of you.
Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
Sure, but I have to wake up
for school now.
Tell Karen to draw you
$200 from petty cash...
...and buy some nice work clothes.
-Two hundred dollars?
-It's on us.
-Am I working for Matt in 1 963?
DANNY: How much do you need?
I've got some stuff in my closet.
You both need B-1 2 shots from the nurse.
-I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
-Why not?
Memo said you can't have the shot
if you're pregnant.
-lt can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
DANNY: I'm not pregnant.
Have you checked?
You've been hormonal.
-It's testosterone.
-It's estrogen.
Suzanne, why don't you get Danny
one of those little kits?
-Probably keep a bunch in your car.
-He's trying to get a riff.
-Don't feed the fire and it'll go out.
MATT: One more.
-What?
-You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
Chevy Chase woke up one day
and he just wasn't funny anymore.
Thanks, Suzanne.
-Hey, come on in.
MATT: Fatigue set in.
They re-established communication,
he's trying to negotiate, they're optimistic.
ANDY: That's good.
-How's it going down there?
-Fine. I'm gonna go home.
-For the day?
Forever.
They're talented people,
just inexperienced.
And they need a teacher
the way you and I had Wes.
When you walked me into the room
on Tuesday, you said the following:
"There's no pressure.
I'm gonna write most of the show.
There's no pressure,
they don't have to do anything."
-It's true.
ANDY: They know that.
They're trying, but they know
they're not getting anything on the air.
Lesson one is they gotta live and die
on Friday night.
They gotta feel like success
in a three-minute sketch...
...is the same thing as love.
And they've gotta fear failure
like it's grim death.
They gotta be
as damaged as you are.
That's a lot to shoot for, Andy.
It is. I try to yell at them
as often as I can.
That's a good start,
just not good enough.
-What do you think?
-Toss them in the river.
If the union would let me drown them,
don't you think I'd have done that?
Give their sketch a spot
at the dress tonight.
Let them hear what
300 people not laughing sounds like.
All right.
-Are you still holding Tuesday's paper?
-I can't allow this to go unprotested.
-Martha's column?
-Yes.
Any chance you're making
too big a deal out of it?
-No.
-You're ushering in the end of the world.
-I don't think I am.
-Torn its ticket, handed it a program.
-Showing it to its seat.
-Because I didn't like the movie?
I didn't either,
but you called it a failure.
And your basis was that
it only grossed 9 million...
...at the domestic box.
-A commercial failure.
-What do you care?
What does anybody care
except the studio or the exhibitor?
Why are budgets and grosses printed
in your paper like they're sports scores?
We cover business.
Doesn't get printed in the business section.
It's in the arts section.
In this case,
it was printed in my column...
...which is in the Op-Ed section.
And I was using the lack of commercial
success to make my point.
That wasn't the only thing
you were using.
You kept the newspaper?
"Dilbert27 writes,
'lts failure is no surprise.
It's typical high-minded
indie film claptrap...
...to make us care about
hayseeds suffering from Lyme disease.'"
-So go yell at Dilbert27.
-I can't.
I don't know who Dilbert27 is,
and neither do you.
You sourced an anonymous web post
to support your point?
Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
for the New York freaking Times?
At first I wasn't sure, but now that
I see Dilbert27 agrees with her--
-Are you kidding me?
-Your fly's open.
Made you look.
I'm right, she's wrong
and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl.
She's writing a story
about our show, so maybe not.
-This is more important.
-What?
-Me being right.
-Okay, here it is.
Nobody here knows
how to operate an umbrella?
-A guy calls his mother.
-Oh, God.
The guy says, "How are you, Mom? "
-Damn.
MATT: Yeah.
-The guy's Jewish.
-Yeah.
All right, a guy calls his mother.
He's Jewish.
She can't tell a joke?
A Jewish guy calls his mother
on the phone.
It's like watching a drunken man
cross an icy street.
-Go dry yourself.
-Yeah, okay.
SHELLEY:
The rain's turned traffic upside down.
PCH has been closed since Monday...
...and getting through the canyons
is an adventure.
-Excuse me.
-Bill Chatzky.
-You ready?
-You can settle in first.
No, Bill, let's do it to it.
CHATZKY: Okay.
"Ten Questions for Jordan McDeere."
They tell me you've been reluctant
to speak on your own behalf.
JORDAN: Yes.
-Why?
You know how you win
at three card monty?
-How?
-Get someone to play.
Does it anger you when people say
that you're just a pretty face?
I always forgive my enemies.
Nothing annoys them nearly as much.
Ha.
Speaking of enemies...
...at your very first press conference,
you left some with the impression...
...that you regard the Christian Right
as an enemy to be either beaten or ignored.
-ls that accurate?
-No. Beaten and then ignored.
And now, the serious answer?
I admire people of faith. All faiths.
That's not hard for me to do...
...because I went
to Catholic school K through 1 2...
-...and nobody's more nuts than we are.
CHATZKY: Heh.
Did you buy a pilot script
called Nations?
I did more than that.
I made a full series commitment.
It's a one-hour drama about the U.N.
How wide do you imagine its appeal will be?
Hundred and ninety-one countries
belong to it...
...but I can see how we'd have problems
syndicating to Taiwan and Vatican City.
Again, the serious answer.
The Pew Research Center says the two
most reviled professions in America...
...are in this order, lawyers and doctors.
Hasn't stopped shows
about lawyers and doctors.
I'm sure you weren't happy to learn
that your ex-husband is publishing a book.
He makes claims in it about your lifestyle
when you two were together.
Do you wanna respond to that?
Only to say that we had a lifestyle
and we were together...
...and I regret both of those things
very deeply.
What did your husband do
when you met him?
He dealt three card monty.
I can tell you enjoy
giving humorous answers.
And it's disarming.
But some people wonder if you're aware
of the serious jeopardy you're in.
-Yeah?
-Yes.
-What people would that be?
-You mean specifically.
-Yes.
-Why not move on to the next question?
I wanna stay with this one.
There's talk among people in the industry.
It's been reported--
JORDAN: The talk among people
in the industry--
And that was absolutely
penetrating specificity.
--hasn't been reported, it's been created.
The way it just was a moment ago.
Stories need conflict,
that's understandable.
Except reporters aren't supposed
to be storytellers.
Stop trying to entertain me.
-You don't like the press.
-That was 1 0 questions.
By the press, you're talking about
a lot of people. I don't like you.
I don't think you've spoken to a person
who's unhappy with my job performance.
You're "reporting" on what you
and the guy in the cubicle next to you...
...were talking about at lunch.
That makes you a hairdresser...
-...and a cockfight promoter.
-Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKERS] : Great dress.
Great dress rehearsals, everybody.
Thank you very much. Great dress.
Yeah, that's what tanking is like.
-That was unbearable.
-Wasn ' t it though?
-Was it really only three and a half minutes?
ANDY: No.
It ran short because
no one had to hold for laughs.
It wasn't wasted time.
You gave people a chance
to think about their lives...
...and where they parked their cars.
-Let's get out here.
-Stand there another minute.
-Why?
-The metaphor.
There you go. All right, come on.
Here's what you wanna do.
LUCY: What?
-Drink.
-You did this on purpose, didn't you?
-I did.
-I'm trying it again.
ANDY: Gonna try to write another sketch?
-I'm writing this sketch.
-Yes.
Usually it's that 23rd pass
where you have a breakthrough.
Hey, you can stand there
or you can help us but either way....
-You know?
-You really laid me low with that one.
-What if we simplified the whole thing?
DARlUS: That's what I was thinking.
I'd just sit in the dark and weep.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
The worst criminal in the world
has taken hostages in a bank.
LUCY: Let's throw out everything
that isn't that.
MATT: We're gonna need the nurse.
DANNY: She's coming.
-Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it.
DANNY: They'll be fine.
MATT: Like they've got something
you can only catch in Africa.
DANNY: Did you get a shot?
-I've already had mine.
-It's a miracle drug.
-B-1 2?
Yeah, it gets everybody through the show.
Energy, stamina, improved immune system.
-Margaret Thatcher got one every day.
-Did you get one?
-No.
-ls it because you're pregnant?
Try that callback many times.
It still won't be as funny as you want.
Speaking of not funny,
we'll lose "Metric Conversion."
-"Bedtime Stories."
-"Bad Clams"?
-"Bad Clams."
ANDY: Excuse me.
DANNY: Hey.
-Keep the hostage sketch.
They've got a rewrite.
MATT: Dress came down 20 minutes ago.
-They did it.
-Suzanne.
SUZANNE: Yeah.
Remember when I told you
about being a gatekeeper?
SUZANNE: Yes, sir.
-This is why.
Guys, I know you worked hard
all week, but it isn't there yet.
It is now.
-What?
-lt is.
Solid double up the middle.
We'll cut "Prison Art Collector"
and put it in the 1 2:45.
The reason I'm putting it at the end
is so Harry and Sim have time to rehearse.
-What are you saying?
-You got a sketch on tonight.
-What?
DANNY: You're professional writers.
Go call your parents.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.
-Get a timing from Cal, might be short.
-It's not gonna be with the laughs.
-Thank you.
-What?
Thank you.
Go.
Thank you.
Ah. I don't know. I maybe might have,
um....
-What?
-Enjoyed it a little.
-I don't know.
-You'll come back one more week?
One more week.
The result of a mitzvah.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
[DEAL OR NO DEAL MUSlC PLAYlNG]
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances
by continuing the monologue...
...and choosing your next joke
from one of these two briefcases.
Or you can walk backstage
and get ready for your first sketch.
Yeah, you know I was hoping
to do something different tonight--
[CELL PHONE RlNGS]
DANNY:
Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen.
-Right.
-I don't stay on the phone that long.
MAN:
Camera three's ready.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Shelton.
[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]
Take this to the floor.
-You've got it too?
-How are you the only one who's not sick?
HARRlET: I'll tell you. I'm a medical marvel.
-Yeah?
A guy calls his mother after 38 years.
Days.
Wait.
-Damn it.
-Kill me right now.
You look good in your new clothes.
Just be watching at 1 2:45.
And tell Sherry and Jill.
Twelve-forty-five.
Make sure Grandma's up.
About a guy who takes hostages,
but he's bad at it.
It's Lucy. It's true,
I have a sketch on tonight.
-Guys?
-I gotta go, 1 2:45.
I have to get off the phone now.
The show's already started. I love you.
The guy in Grosse Pointe just killed
everybody and then himself.
He killed the kids?
Yeah.
Well, it would be in bad taste
to do the sketch.
Yeah.
-I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those--
ANDY: They're all right.
They're pros.
Good.
We'll come up with something
in the next 20 minutes...
...rehearse it and put it in
the end of the show.
You don't wanna put back
something from dress?
I think the four of us can top it.
Something simple using the same set.
-You're just gonna wing it?
-No, no, no. We're gonna wing it.
Take 1 0 minutes to think on your own
and then we'll pitch.
Paul McCartney
says writing new music...
...sustained him
through his acrimonious divorce.
Tracks off his latest album include,
"l Earned lt, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut."
And the prom ballad,
"Way Worse Than Yoko."
SlMON: And finally, Pakistan's Parliament
is debating its controversial rape law.
Under a proposed new amendment...
...a rape victim would no longer
have to produce four witnesses.
Instead, she will be required
to produce a unicorn.
-I'm Simon Stiles.
-I'm Harriet Hayes and that's the news.
MAN: We're out.
-It's called a man-on-the-street interview.
I never knew why I was to care
about the man on the street...
...but at least he looked like
the man on the street. We saw him.
He was the regional distributor
for a soft drink company.
He was catching his train.
I don't know whether Dilbert27
is 1 0 years old or a Labrador retriever.
Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him.
Would you get your face
out of that computer?
Life is happening all around you
and you're watching the commentary.
I'm reading an e-mail from a colleague
who says Jordan punted a Time interview.
-What happened?
-I've just been sent the interview.
Should I read it or should I observe
the life that's happening all around me?
Did he ask you if you liked him?
-No.
-You just volunteered that you didn't.
Yeah.
And that you feel reporters
are a bunch of hairdressers.
Not all reporters. I made it very clear
I was talking about him.
Much better.
If you wanna explode, Jack,
you're right, go ahead.
No, I've done that already.
-Jack, l--
-What can I tell you, Jordan?
You've got two lives, okay?
The real one and the character
you play in the press.
The audience doesn't care about
the character I play in the press, Jack.
They just don't.
Your audience is Wilson White
and the board of TMG.
You were supposed to fix it
and you made it worse.
HARRlET: Knock, knock.
-God.
-Knock, knock, rook.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
WOMAN: Banana.
-Orange.
-Banana.
It's banana. Banana, banana, banana.
Then you say orange.
"'Orange' you glad I didn't say banana? "
Four-year-olds tell it.
Okay, well, calm down.
I happen to be a member of-- What?
-Falstaff.
-Falstaff Society.
All right, here it is. It's easy,
but pay attention. Spit-Take Theater.
Same five actors,
same set, elegant clothes.
It's going on the cards
and we'll mark it in the next c-break.
You speak in a stentorian voice.
First round, the actor third to the left
of the person speaking does a spit-take.
Second round, actor third
to the left and immediately to the left...
...does a spit-take, and on the final round,
anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take.
-All right.
ALL: Good.
Wait, I made it through the week
without getting sick.
And we're ending the night
with everybody spitting at me?
-That's better.
-Yeah.
Everybody just spit at Harriet.
They should all--
ALL:
Good. Every time.
MANDEL: Ladies and gentlemen,
once again, Corinne Bailey Rae.
[SlNGlNG MlD-TEMPO SONG]
[SONG CONTlNUES]
You wanna fight some more?
Yeah, in a minute.
I'll be right back.
-What's up?
-Hi, I just got here. Was it a good show?
I thought so. It got out of hand here
at the end, but that's good too.
-I screwed up so bad. I did.
-No, you didn't.
-Come on.
-I fell into every stereotype.
-Every clich? of--
-You were funny.
--what happens when a woman is--
-What?
-I was hormonal.
-What are you talking about?
-I was.
-What are you talking about?
Hey, this thing is on a couple
of websites now.
Reactions posted, almost 20 of them so far,
and they're incredibly supportive.
-I wrote one of them down.
-Who's it from?
-lt doesn't matter.
-Who's it from?
A guy named Dilbert27,
but I think he's right on the money.
-Oh, hell.
-What?
-All right, we'll sit right here on the floor.
-I'm okay.
Okay, we'll just sit right here.
-This happened to Dylan during the show.
-I'm okay.
-No, no, no. No, you're hot. Sit right here.
-I'm okay.
-I'm gonna get the nurse.
-Okay.
-She's gonna give you a B-1 2 shot.
-I can't.
-Be right back.
-I can't have the shot.
-Just sit here.
-Make sure she doesn't give me the shot.
-You're pregnant.
-I'm pregnant.
[ENGLlSH SDH]