Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 11 - Phoney Business - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Hey, guys.

Guess what?

I got a new job today.

That's great. What is it?

Well, I figured it was time
to stop thinking about myself

and get a job
where I could serve others.

You know,
answer to a higher calling.

You're becoming a priest?

Close. A talent agent.

A talent agent? Tsk.



Who in their right mind
will let you

handle their career?

Well, so far just you, but..

I've got calls into
Lucy Lawless, Pamela Anderson

and that big chick with
all the makeup on "Drew Carey."

Whoa, swifty,
hey, back up the limo.

What makes you think
I want you to be my agent?

[scoffs]
Oh, well, nothing,
just the fact that

I've already landed
you an acting job.

Get out.

Al, I'm serious.

I got you the perfect vehicle
to follow up

that little movie role you did.

How would you like to start



in a suntan lotion commercial

for VX Productions
shooting tomorrow

in Milwaukee?

Well, tomorrow?
Uh, forget it.

I'm auditioning
for "Romeo And Juliet"

at the Port Washington
little theater.

I mean, this is my big chance
to try Shakespeare.

Shakespeare? That hack?

He don't even write
good English.

I cannot believe
you would rather work

at the butt-scratch playhouse..

...than star in a commercial
that'll be seen

by millions of people.

And, did I forget to mention

earn you 200 bucks?

- Wow, $200?
- Yeah.

And more importantly, it could
be your next step to stardom.

Well, I guess I could
do Shakespeare another time.

And a commercial
would be kinda fun.

Alright. Okay, I'll do it.

Yes! Oh, this is so awesome.
That's great.

Oh, now I gotta go fire Rich.

The Sheboygan dinner theater

is doing "Snow White
And The Seven Dwarfs."

That kid was born to play Dopey.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Deeper we fall
the stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ Second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, man, I am starved.

Any of you guys
find any junk food yet?

No. We're even out
of Gummy Bears.

- Man, this bites.
- Yeah, well, don't worry, guys.

Carol will be back from
the supermarket pretty soon.

Man, there's not even
any chocolate syrup.

What kind of a hellish
nightmare is this?

You guys,
can you give me a hand?

[all clamoring]

Oh, boy, honey, am I glad
you're back from the store.

You know, the, the kids were
gettin' just starved here.

And you know what
junk-food junkies they are.

And where aremy Twinkies?

Wheatgrass cookies?

Beet juice? Rice cream?

Hey, mom, bad news.

You must've taken some
hippie's groceries by mistake.

Nope, those are our groceries.

Alright, honey,
what's going on here?

Well, Dana and I just finished
a nutrition seminar

at the Wellness Center.

Aw, geez.

That's right, people, from now
on this family will be eating

only healthy foods
that come from

the bosom of Mother Earth.

No more processed sugar
and fast foods

and hormone-laced meat
will be absolutely forbidden.

- Yay, Gummy Bears.
- 'No, Lilly.'

Those aren't
Gummy Bears, they're..

Yuck. These are gross.

Seaweed bears.

It's gonna take a little
getting used to, I know that.

But I think
if we just give it a chance

we'll learn to really enjoy it
and we'll live longer.

If I have to eat seaweed,
I'm not sure I want to.

Frank, come on,
this is important.

- Give it a chance. Please.
- Oh.

Well, hey, listen,
if it's that important to you

we can do it. Come on,
we can do it, right, guys, huh?

- Yeah, whatever.
- Yeah, sure.

Mommy, can I take
the seaweed bears to school?

- And give 'em to your friends?
- No.

Billy Atkins, he kicked me.

It's payback time.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Go tell Stan we're ready.

Al, sweetie, baby doll.

Did I come through
for you or what, huh?

Yeah, I'm not so sure.

For a big commercial, doesn't
this seem kinda low rent?

Al, loose the 'tude, huh?

This is your second gig.

We're trying to build
your rep here. Work with me.

J.T., do me a favor.

Don't tell people
you're my agent

or my brother.

Okay, kiddies,
let's make some magic.

Alright, places, everybody.

Alright, girls, now remember

we're selling suntans.

Pretend you're on a beach
in Puerto Vallarta.

It's hot, so act hot.

Donavan Sun And Ocean Lotion.
Take one.

And action!

[spray hissing]

[chuckles]
Becky, you're not
gonna believe it.

Not only am I having
a great vacation

but I'm getting
the best tan ever

with Donavan
Sun And Ocean Lotion.

In fact, I'm calling
all my friends to tell them.

[all]
We're calling
all our friends, too.

And cut!

Oh! Ha-ha! That was gold!

You're gorgeous, all of you.

Now wipe off
all that crappy lotion.

We'll do the next setup
in five minutes.

Al, that was great.
You were fantastic.

You were great.
You were the best!

Hello, baby, you familiar
with the J.T. Lambert Agency?

Are you familiar
with the term "Beat it," loser?

Very!

Get out of here.

[instrumental music]

Oh, boy.
Our first healthy meal.

I wonder what
they're gonna give us.

I just hope I don't throw up.

Well, if you have to,
turn towards Mark.

- I'm wearing silk.
- Alright now, cut it out.

Remember, no matter
what this is like

we promised to give
it a shot, right?

- Yeah, whatever.
- Yeah.

Okay, everything's ready.

Now, Dana, why don't you serve
the main course for the evening?

[sighs]
Oh.

First, we have a

scrumptious lentil loaf..

...made entirely..

...from organically-grown
lentil beans.

And the best part is..

...that it is
completely salt-free

fat-free and cholesterol-free.

I'll tell you what, for
something that won't kill you

it smells pretty good.

Next we have a garden salad

made with barley leaves
and wheatgrass.

You know, this looks
pretty okay too.

Better than okay,
it's loaded with bulk and fiber

and it'll naturally cleanse
your systems.

What's she's saying, guys,
it's gonna flush us

like a Roto-Rooter. Ha-ha.

Thank you for that image, honey.

Okay, now, bon appetit.

[sighs]

Well, what do you think?
Isn't it great?

[chuckles]

I...have never tasted
anything like this.

- Have you, guys?
- No.

- 'No?'
- No.

- 'How about you?'
- No.

- 'No?'
- 'No.'

Well, if you like this

you are gonna love
our next course.

Come on, Dana.

[retching]

Okay, who is ready
for bean-curd gravy

and green-algae muffins?

Oh, man,
I wish we had a dog.

[instrumental music]

[man on TV]
'Well, that's the end
of the first quarter'

'with the score
Hornets-28 and Bucks-26.'

'We'll be right back
after these messages.'

Hey, isn't that Al?

Yeah, that's her commercial.

Hey, Al, your commercial's on.
Get in here!

It's already on.
I don't believe it!

We just shot it two days ago.

Hey, with J.T. Lambert
as your agent

good things happen.

[woman on TV]
Hey, guys, are you
lonely tonight?

Well, don't be because
we're oiling up just for you.

Oh, my God.

So, guys, if you wanna play
a little beach-blanket-bingo

grab your boogie board,
your credit card and call us.

Remember, we Beach Bunnies
are waiting to talk to you.

So pick up the phone now.

That was not the commercial
I was in.

I was supposed to be selling
suntan lotion.

Looks like you were selling
a wholelot more than that.

- This is all your fault!
- Hey!

- You moron!
- Yeah! Al, wait, wait.

Give it a chance. Look at it
this way. It's exposure.

[grunting]

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

You idiot,
you bone-head, you moron!

Al, stop. Wait.
I swear, this isn't my fault.

If I would've known this was
gonna be a sleazy commercial

I would've asked
for a lot more money.

[grunting]

I cannot believe
I let you talk me into this.

I could've been
playing Juliet.

Instead, I'm playing
Miss Oil-me Call-me. Ah!

Al, Al.
Al, now calm down, calm down.

Look, th-these commercials,
they come and go, okay?

If it makes you feel
any better..

...you looked great.

Ow! What, what?
I'm just trying to help here.

Control your..

Al, nobody's really gonna
see the commercial, anyway.

Except for maybe
a few guys at school

a few teachers..

Reverend Miller

and three or four million guys
watching this game.

Oh.

I think you're forgetting
the big man upstairs.

God?

No, worse, Frank.

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

I'm dead.

No. No, you're not dead.
No, you're not.

Dad is never gonna
see this commercial.

First thing tomorrow
I'm driving to Milwaukee

and demanding that creep,
Stan, take it off the air.

Yeah. Yeah, you are driving
to Milwaukee, alright.

But I'm going with you
and this time I am doing

all the talking.
You've screwed up enough!

Al, I understand
why you're mad.

You're the one
in the raunchy commercial

that looks like
a cheap slut. Ah!

I had that one coming. Ah!

[instrumental music]

Oh, Mr. L,
you are my hero.

Thank you so much
for sneaking in this food.

- Oh.
- Well, I had to do something.

I lost six pounds in two days
with that seaweed crap

they've been feeding us.

So you don't feel guilty
about breaking mom's diet?

Oh, yeah, it's tearin' me up.

Are you gonna eat any of that?
Oh, boy.

Oh, my God, it's donuts!

Donuts! Don..

My God!

You crazy? You're gonna wake up
the food police.

You're right. Sorry.

Oh, God.
Soft, greasy, fried dough!

It just doesn't get
any better than this.

Guys!

What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

These are bean-curd donuts.

- And this is seaweed pizza.
- Mm.

Yeah, right. And I'll bet those
Twinkies are made out of tofu.

You're mad at us, aren't you?

You're darn right..

...for starting without me.

Mm. Come to mama, baby.

Yeah, Carol, hey-hey-hey.
Hey-hey-hey.

That's a pizza. It's got salt
and it's got fat in it.

I know. That's what makes
it taste so good.

[laughs]

Well, I'm all for eating healthy

but that health food stuff

we were serving you
really sucked.

Yeah, you're doing good now.
Have a donut.

- Alright, people, freeze!
- Oh.

Oh, no.

It's the nutrition Nazi.

You people are pathetic!

Mom,you too?

How could you?

I was hungry.

You all make me sick.

You couldn't go three days

without putting this poison
in your veins?

Honey, it's not like
we're shooting up heroin here.

Not yet, but junk food
is the gateway drug.

Dana, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way

but you're a twit.

Listen, mister,
I am trying to save your lives.

Now, step away from table.
I'm confiscating this junk food.

[all growling]

That's enough, Dana.

Now, I'm all
for improving our diet

but we went way too far.

But, mom, I thought
we were gonna force them

to do it our way!

- Huh?
- Huh?

Come on, Dana, that stuff
we were feeding them

tasted like landfill.

Fine, but here
is the bottom line.

That poison in front of you
is gonna kill you.

'It's gonna clog your arteries,
raise your blood pressure'

and blow your hearts
right out of your chests.

You're gonna end up
a bunch of bloated, fat-filled

cholesterol-ridden carcasses.

- Now what do you say to that?
- I say, pass the pepperoni.

Yes.

No way, the donuts.
The donuts are great!

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering on TV]

Hey, Mr. L,
watching a little b-ball, eh?

Yeah. It's the Bucks' game.
I taped it last night.

Ooh, yeah,
I know you're gonna enjoy it.

Did you say
you taped it last night?

Yeah, there it is.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I'm sorry, Mr. L.
I can't have you watch that.

Why not?

Well, b-b-because the-the-the
Bucks had to forfeit the game.

They came all down with a virus.

What virus?

Ebola?

Yeah, well, no, no, Mr. L.
No, I can't let you..

- No, no. Mr. L! Mr. L!
- Give it..

One more word
and you're evicted!

[man on TV]
'Well, that's the end
of the first quarter'

'with the score
Hornets-28 and Bucks-26.'

'We'll be right back
after these messages.'

[woman on TV]
Hey, guys,
are you lonely tonight?

Well, don't be because
we're oiling up just for you.

So, guys, if you wanna play
a little beach-blanket-bingo

grab your boogie board

your credit card and call us.
Remember..

Al?

...are waiting to talk to you..

Alright, what do you know
about that?

Well, now, Mr. L,
I'm very loyal to my friends.

And there is absolutely no way
I could ever betray--

Spill it, shorty!

J.T. got Al a commercial
in Milwaukee, supposed to be

for suntan lotion, but it turned
out to be one of those

"Oil-me Call-me" numbers
so J.T. now went down

to VX Productions in Milwaukee
to get the producer

to take it off the air.

[woman on TV]
Hey, guys, are you
lonely tonight..

- Rich!
- It's off, off!

[instrumental music]

Well, look, all I'm sayin' is

you should try out this girl
in your Detroit club

'and she does a number
with the hula hoop'

'you ain't gonna believe.'

[chuckles]
Right. Alright. Bye, Pop.

Well, if it isn't my little
movie star and Jimmy Hollywood.

[chuckles]
What can I do for you kids?

I think you know
why we're here.

You told me I was going to be
in a suntan lotion commercial.

And instead, you made me
a beach-blanket bimbo.

Look, you've gotta
take that commercial

off the air right now.

Sorry, no can do.

You see,
I got a piece of paper

that says I have
the right to do

whatever I want with that film.

Maybe your agent
didn't read it.

Look, pal, I don't think you
know who you're dealing with.

I'm hooked up to some
pretty powerful people.

My best friend's cousin's
Guatemalan pen pal

waits tables at F. Lee Bailey's
favorite taco stand!

Kid, I don't even know
what that means.

Get outta here.

- Hey!
- 'Dad.'

Geez, dad,
I am sorry this happened.

- This creep lied and--
- Yeah, yeah, Al, it's okay.

Rich explained everything to me.
I'm not mad at ya.

Boy, what a relief. I thought
you were gonna kill us both.

Well, you're half right, son.

Just wait outside.

I wanna have
a little discussion

with your producer here.

Yeah, hey, listen, uh, friend.

Why don't you just
make this easy?

Give me the tape
you made of my daughter

and I'll leave here
a happy guy.

[chuckles]
Look, friend

I got your daughter's
signed contract.

And I got more
lawyers than O.J.

so you ain't gettin' squat.

Okay.

Boy, you got a lot of nice,
fancy equipment there.

This camera, ooh.

I bet you
this is expensive, huh?

[scoffs]
You're damn right.
Set me back plenty.

Really?

See, I have a reputation

for bein' a pretty clumsy guy.

Wonder what would happen
if I just drop this

right out the window?

Go ahead, big shot. Drop it.

My lawyer
will write up a claim.

I'll have a new one up here

before you get back
to the farm.

As a matter of fact, Jethro..

...there's nothin'
you could drop out that window

that would make me
give up that tape.

Is that right?

Whoa!

What are you, a lunatic?
Pull me back in!

Yeah, well,
first I wanna explain

my philosophy to you, okay?

A father's relationship
with his daughter is

well, it's sacred, you know?

And what you did
with my daughter

well, that was a no-no,
you see.

- Oh, ah!
- Oh, sorry about that.

Ah, you would drop me
four stories

just to get back
that stupid tape?

Yeah, and then kick your sorry
butt up here and drop you again.

[blabbering]

Okay, okay!
Pull me back in!

- You can have the tape.
- Thanks.

[grunting]

"Motorcycle Maidens," "Nasty
Nurses," "Nasty Nurses 2."

Well, "Oil-me Call-me."
Here you go. Take it.

Just leave me alone here!

You're a mad man,
you know that?

God, no, Stan.
This is me, calm.

If I find out
this isn't the only tape you got

of my daughter's commercial,
I'll be back.

And then you're gonna see
a mad man.

Dad, you got my tape.
How'd you do it?

Uh, well, I just, I just

opened the window
of opportunity for him

and I let him see things
from a higher perspective.

Gosh, dad, thank you.

- It's alright, pal.
- Thanks, dad.

You're still the other half.

[instrumental music]

[sniffing]

No.

[sniffing]

Ah, I can beat this.

I am not weak like the others.

[sighs]

Alright, so I'm weak.

[Rich]
'Uh, later, J.T.,
I'm out of here.'

Hey, uh, honey?

What's that, uh, book
you're reading there?

[mumbling]

So, so, honey,
how are you handling that, uh

health-food diet of yours?
Are you sticking to it?

Mm-hmm.

You wouldn't cheat now,
would you?

Unh-uh.

Would you like some milk to
wash down that chocolate donut?

[chuckles]

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.