Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 10 - Too Many Santas - full transcript
When Lilly recognises JT as Santa in the mall she becomes disillusioned and decides she no longer believes in Santa. Frank and Carol decide to convince her that she is wrong. At the same time, JT tries to make up with Sam.
[instrumental music]
Please, Mr. Twilly,
can't we have
some other job in the store?
No, according to your
aptitude test
you two aren't even smart
enough to be mannequins.
Oh, that's bull.
I thought I nailed that test.
Mr. Halke, under sex, you put
"I really, really hope so."
Well, I was just trying to
answer the questions honestly.
Look, the store is about to
open, just put the beards on
and make nice with the kids,
or I'll hire back
the smelly old drunk
that played Santa last year.
Great idea, Rich. "Let's get
jobs at the department store."
- Man, this bites.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I was just thinking of you, man.
Figured you could, uh,
pick up on the chicks
at the cosmetics counter here.
I hear they are chubby chasers.
Oh, go back to work.
Here comes our first customer.
Alright, there he is.
Now, go tell him what you want
and let's get the hell
out of here.
Hey there, little man.
Welcome to Santaland,
you cute little tyke.
Put a sock in it, Tinker Bell.
Well, the kid's got spunk,
don't he?
- Mm.
- Ah! Oh!
Sorry, not!
Ho-ho-ho, little boy.
So, what can Santa bring you
for Christmas?
A train? A model airplane?
Get real, fatso.
I want a go-kart.
And a fantasy date
with the Olsen twins.
Sunny, don't chew gum
when you're talking to Santa.
Oh, okay.
Keep that up, shorty, only thing
you're gonna get for Christmas
is a stocking
full of reindeer poop.
It'll smell better
than your breath, tubby.
Merry Christ-mas!
I got a little Grinch here.
Look, mommy, it's Santa.
He's here, he's here.
Can I go sit on his lap?
- Please, please, please?
- Oh, sure, sweetie.
Excuse me.
My little girl
would like to see Sa..
Rich?
J.T.?
Oh, gosh, I don't want her
to recognize you guys.
Um, honey, um, why don't we go
see Santa another day, okay?
No, I want to visit him now.
Hey, Mr. Elf,
put me in Santa's lap, please.
Hey, Mr. Elf,
I think I've seen you before.
Uh, uh, me?
Can't, impossible. Ha-ha!
You must be thinking
of my cousin, Keebler.
He's the elf that makes
the cookies and the tree stuff.
Hi, Santa.
Ho-ho-ho, little girl.
So, what can Santa bring you
for Christmas?
Okay, I want Malibu Barbie
Beach House, Jumping Jerry
a magic set and Burping Bert.
But my most special thing
I want is a secret.
Oh, you could tell Santa.
I want a jewelry box
that when you open it
it plays music
and has a ballerina
that goes round and round.
Ho-ho-ho,
that's a pretty long list.
But we'll see what we can do.
Santa, there is gum
on your beard.
[gasps]
Hey, you're not Santa.
You're my lame old brother, J.T.
Mommy, he's not Santa.
I-I know,
but see that's because
Santa's at the North Pole
because--
Because he pulled a groin muscle
loading the sledge.
Right, right.
I don't believe you.
This is all a big fake.
You know what I think?
There is no real Santa.
[stammers]
Lilly, come back. Lilly?
[theme music]
♪ Step by step ♪
♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪
♪ A fresh start over ♪
♪ A different hand to play ♪
♪ The deeper we fall ♪
♪ The stronger we stay ♪
♪ We'll make it better ♪
♪ The second time around ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Honey, where is Lilly?
She's gonna miss all
the Christmas tree decorating.
[sighs]
Ah, she refused to help.
I'm worried about her, Frank.
That thing at the mall
with J.T. made her think
that there's no Santa.
Oh, come on, it couldn't have
upset her that bad.
No, it did,
when we left the store
she called the Salvation Army
Santa a big fat
bell-ringing phony.
Yeah, mom's right.
Lilly's pretty freaked out.
Today, she TP-ed
the neighbors plastic reindeer.
I'll be right back. I'm gonna
go get some more tinsel.
[sighs]
Oh, I hate this, Frank.
I don't want Lilly
to lose the fun of Christmas.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about it, honey.
After she sees the tree
all decorated and all
the presents underneath
she'll forget about
the whole thing.
Lilly? Honey?
Where are you going with all
your Christmas stuff?
I'm going to give it
to Jessie next door.
He's only four and still is
dumb enough to believe in Santa.
Lilly, Lilly, Lilly.
Honey, come here.
You know, just because there
are lot of pretend Santas
doesn't mean
there's not a real one.
Mom, face it.
There's no real Santa.
It's all a big, fat lie.
I hate Christmas.
Boy.
This is worse than I thought.
No six year old
should hate Christmas.
I know. There's so little
for kids to believe in now.
I'd just hate for Lilly
to lose this one.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
We have to do somethin'
to help her believe
in Christmas and Santa Claus.
Even if it means kidnapping
Rush Limbaugh
and stuffing his fat butt
in a Santa suit.
[instrumental music]
Hey, this just came
in the mail from grandma.
Her usual Christmas fruit cake.
Better known as "The Yule Log."
It's like the woman doesn't know
the difference between
flour and speckle.
Well, look at the upside.
Run out of fire wood,
we can always pop this sucker
in the fire place.
It'll burn till New Year's.
[chuckles]
- Hey, guys. Ah!
- Hey.
[sighs]
You know what the drawback
is to dating
ten guys at once?
Chapped lips?
That's a problem, too.
But what I was talking about is
all the presents you have to buy
and all the gift wrapping
you have to do.
Wait a minute, Karen,
you said you're dating ten guys.
Well, there's 12 boxes here.
I know, I'm allowing a two gift
cushion for any guys
I meet over the holidays.
Now, check this out.
Pretty nice, huh? Heh-heh!
And I got them
in 12 different colors.
That way, nobody gets
the same thing.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
Aren't you the thoughtful one?
Man, life stinks.
Yeah, well,
get over it, J.T.
The department store Santa
has to expect to get peed on.
It's not that, I just found
the Christmas present
I brought for Sam last July.
- Wow, what a gorgeous necklace.
- Jeez.
Bet if Sam knew
she was getting that
she'd have waited till after
Christmas to dump you.
And I can't believe I let
her go. I am such an idiot.
Well, can't argue with that,
J.T.
Listen, you blew it with Sam.
You were too immature
to make it work.
Now, quit whining and move on
because life is tough
and that's how the mop flops.
The girl spreads cheer
like a canker sore.
Man, I miss Sam.
My life is empty
and meaningless without her.
Oh, come on, J.T,
man, you gotta stop
beating yourself up about this.
You know,
maybe Sam misses you, too.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
If she was dumb enough to go out
with you in the first place
she might be dumb enough to get
back together with you.
God, I hope she's that dumb.
Listen, J.T.,
why don't you just go see her?
You know, give her the necklace.
- Tell her how you feel.
- What if she says no?
Well, then the only thing
left to do would be to
grovel like a pathetic
little worm.
I could do that. Thanks, guys.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Good. And you?
Good, I'm here to get back
together with my girlfriend.
See, we broke up a couple
of months ago
and I finally realize
I can't live without her.
Good for you.
Thanks, I'm gonna give her
this Christmas present tonight
and tell her how much
I love her.
Well, good luck.
By the way, your shoes
are untied.
Oh, thanks.
[knock on door]
Hey, Danny! Ooh, champagne.
Oh!
'Thank you so much.'
Come on in.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
I wanna a three gigabyte
upgrade and an MMX motherboard
and a Bill Gates action figure.
That's tough, you're not
getting any of that stuff.
But, Santa,
I've been good all year.
So? That and $3.50 will get you
a Frappuccino at Starbucks.
Let me tell you something,
Jimmy. Life sucks.
You're born, you get
disappointed and you die.
Now, beat it!
Mommy, Santa's scaring me.
You kids want the truth
from Santa?
You can't handle the truth!
[Rich]
Easy, sit down, sit down.
What's your problem, Barky?
Nothing, but, uh, you might
wanna change your sign
to "Welcome to Satanland."
Yeah, you're supposed
to make the kids feel good.
Not scare the hell out of them.
Hey, Pinocchio!
You try being jolly
when your heart's
broken into a million pieces.
[sobbing]
Keep it up, J.T.,
they're gonna be hauling
Santa away in a padded sleigh.
Look, dude,
you gotta lighten up.
You're gonna get us both fired.
Besides that, you're ruining
Christmas for all the kids.
Alright now,
here comes a little girl.
- Now, you be nice.
- Yeah.
Okay. I'll be jolly, I promise.
Well, hi there, little girl.
Welcome to Santaland.
- Wanna sit on Santa's lap?
- Yeah!
Alright, come on. Whee!
Whoo! Here you go.
Ho-ho-ho, little girl.
What's your name?
Samantha!
But my friends call me Sam!
Sam? You mean it's Sam?
I had a girlfriend named Sam
and now she's gone!
[sobbing]
Mommy, Santa's crying!
Oh, God! Sam, why? Why?
[sobbing]
That was quite a display.
I've gotta go now.
But you just stay here and keep
spreading that Christmas cheer.
Well, easy there, big guy.
You're slobberin'
all over your beard.
Who cares?
Well, the Santa that's gotta
wear it from six to nine.
Merry Christmas.
[male #1 on TV]
'So, folks, bring the kiddies
tonight for the Christmas Eve'
'special at Ribs-O-Rama,
get a big slab platter'
'and meet Santa Claus.'
[male #2 on TV]
'Come on down
to Row-away Motors.'
''Cause I will eat a bug
to sell you a car.'
'And Santa will watch
your kids. He-he-he.'
[male #3 on TV]
'Yo-yo-yo, homies!
Santa's in the house.'
There's no Santa. How dumb
do they think us kids are?
[groaning]
Oh, no!
Well, Merry Christmas, Lilly,
Santa Claus is here.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Which one are you?
The Santa from the rib place?
Or the one who sells Toyotas?
Well, I'm the real Santa, Lilly.
The one and only,
that's me. Ho-ho-ho!
I don't believe
in Santa anymore.
[gasps]
You don't?
Well, look at my belly.
And when I laugh, it shakes
like a bowl full of jelly.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
I bet you haven't seen
a gut like this
since they yanked Roseanne
off the air.
[laughs]
Come on, you're not really
Santa Claus...are you?
Well, now, let me see.
It is Christmas Eve.
You've been a good little girl.
And I've got a sack
full of toys.
I must be Santa Claus.
You know I've been good?
Oh, I know who's
been naughty or nice.
Uh, take your brother J.T.,
for instance.
He hasn't paid
his rent in a while.
And we stuff his stockin'
full of eviction notices.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Gee! You really are Santa!
Oh! Yeah, Lilly,
the one and only.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho! Oh..
Oh, my God!
- If you're Santa Claus..
- Huh?
Who's that?
- Uh, um..
- Ahem.
- Uh...I'm, uh, Mrs. Claus.
- 'Ho-ho-ho!'
Yes, yes,
I'm Claudia Claus.
Yes, yes,
I'm just here helping Santa out
on his very busy night.
If you're Mrs. Claus,
how come you have a beard?
Uh, 'cause, uh..
I forgot to shave this morning.
You think her face is hairy,
you should see her legs.
Ho-ho-ho!
She's got more fur
than Prancer.
Ho-ho-ho!
Uh, thank you, Santa.
Oh, she's a real winter woman.
Ho-ho-ho!
Well, everything's under control
here, Mrs. Claus.
So, you can,
uh, move along now.
Okay, Santa.
Well, I'll be seeing you
at home.
- Oh, fly safely.
- Yeah! Okay.
Well, bye, Lilly,
and-and Merry Christmas.
- Yeah! Ho-ho-ho..
- 'Merry Christmas.'
Ho-ho-ho!
- Oh!
- Oh, look who we have here.
Yeah, who do we have there?
We-we have, uh,
well, we have our son!
- 'Oh!'
- Santa Jr.
Oh! It's Jay.
Ho, good to see ya. Ho-ho-ho!
- No, it's not.
- Huh?
It's Mark and you're daddy
and you're mommy.
And you're all a bunch of fakes.
Just like J.T.
[sighs]
Well, thanks a lot, Frank.
Why didn't you tell me you
were gonna dress up like Santa?
Me? Oh, come on.
I was here first.
And what about you, stretch?
You look like
Santa on SlimFast.
Ho-ho-ho!
Oh, forget it!
[instrumental "Silent Night"]
[yawning]
Oh, my..
Here we go again.
Hello, Lilly, Merry Christmas.
Which one are you?
Mom, dad, J.T. or Mark?
Actually, my name is
Kris, Kris Kringle.
But my friends
call me Santa Claus.
With a fakey lookin' beard,
I don't think so.
Ow!
Wow, it's real.
Of course, it is.
Who did you think I was,
the Easter Bunny?
So, your beard is real.
Anybody could have a real beard.
Yes, but would anybody know
that this is the one gift
that you really wanted
for Christmas?
A jewelry box!
It's the jewelry box
with the little ballerina.
Just like I wanted.
But how did you know?
The only one I told was J.T.
when he was pretending
to be Santa.
That's why I have all
the other assistant Santas
to help me, Lilly.
So I can find out
what boys and girls
all over the world want.
You know, it's not easy tracking
5.7 billion people.
Even with Windows 95,
a 56K modem
Wow! You are the real Santa!
Mommy, daddy, come quick!
I'm real to everyone
who believes in me.
- I do, Santa. I do.
- Ho-ho!
Mommy, daddy, hurry up!
Come quick!
What is it, Lilly? Are you okay?
[Frank]
Yeah, honey, what happened?
It's Santa.
Santa's here, the real one.
Where did he go?
He was just here.
Well, he probably
went up the chimney.
Well, sure, honey. You know,
that's how he leaves the house.
Oh, yeah!
But look what he gave me.
It's what I really,
really wanted.
Let me see that.
Oh, isn't that pretty.
Oh, I'm so happy
for you, Lilly. Ooh!
I can't wait to go back
to sleep, so when I wake up
I can open
the rest of my presents.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Well, looks like she'll have
a great Christmas after all.
- Yep.
- Thanks, Frank.
- Hmm?
- That was a great idea.
Hiring someone to play Santa.
I didn't do that, honey.
I thought you did.
[sleigh bells ringing]
[instrumental music]
Okay! Ready, set, open!
Surprise! I fooled you.
Ha-ha-ha!
I didn't buy these
just for my boyfriends.
I got them for
everybody who loves me.
Well, they're lovely.
Thank you, Karen.
- Hmm.
- Thanks.
What's the matter, J.T.?
Don't you like yours?
It's great, I love it.
Merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho.
Hey, J.T.,
I know you're a little
down on the dumps about Sam.
But it is Christmas. Why don't
you try and enjoy it, huh?
You know, uh, J.T.,
I, uh, have something that
I think might cheer you up.
Dana, even you moving out
wouldn't cheer me up.
Alright, just shut up
and close your eyes.
Dana, if this is
some kinda goof
I'm not in the mood
for playin' around.
Uh, I think you'll wanna play
around with this.
Merry Christmas, J.T.
Sam!
'What're you doin' here?'
Well, Dana came
over and told me everything.
J.T., I really miss you, too.
But what about
that good lookin' blond guy
I saw at your place
the other night?
That guy was my cousin, Danny.
Really?
Oh, man, this is so great.
Sam, I've been missing you
since the day we broke up.
- Then shut up and kiss me.
- Mmm.
Dana..
...I don't know what to say.
That alone is
present enough for me.
Merry Christmas, J.T.
Merry Christmas, Dana.
Ah!
Hey..
This turned out to be a great
Christmas after all.
- Yes.
- Yay!
[instrumental music]
Oh, let's put down
our eggnog
and sing some Christmas Carols,
okay?
Come on, Dana, you play.
I wanna make sure
I get my money's worth
out of all those
piano lessons I gave you.
"Hark the Herald Angels Sing."
Okay?
- Okay.
- Ah!
- Okay. Here we go.
- Okay.
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪
♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪
♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪
♪ Join the triumph
of the skies ♪
♪ With angelic host proclaim ♪
♪ Christ is born in Bethlehem ♪
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪♪
- Good job!
- Thank you.
- Good. Yeah.
- This one's nice.
[bell rings]
Please, Mr. Twilly,
can't we have
some other job in the store?
No, according to your
aptitude test
you two aren't even smart
enough to be mannequins.
Oh, that's bull.
I thought I nailed that test.
Mr. Halke, under sex, you put
"I really, really hope so."
Well, I was just trying to
answer the questions honestly.
Look, the store is about to
open, just put the beards on
and make nice with the kids,
or I'll hire back
the smelly old drunk
that played Santa last year.
Great idea, Rich. "Let's get
jobs at the department store."
- Man, this bites.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I was just thinking of you, man.
Figured you could, uh,
pick up on the chicks
at the cosmetics counter here.
I hear they are chubby chasers.
Oh, go back to work.
Here comes our first customer.
Alright, there he is.
Now, go tell him what you want
and let's get the hell
out of here.
Hey there, little man.
Welcome to Santaland,
you cute little tyke.
Put a sock in it, Tinker Bell.
Well, the kid's got spunk,
don't he?
- Mm.
- Ah! Oh!
Sorry, not!
Ho-ho-ho, little boy.
So, what can Santa bring you
for Christmas?
A train? A model airplane?
Get real, fatso.
I want a go-kart.
And a fantasy date
with the Olsen twins.
Sunny, don't chew gum
when you're talking to Santa.
Oh, okay.
Keep that up, shorty, only thing
you're gonna get for Christmas
is a stocking
full of reindeer poop.
It'll smell better
than your breath, tubby.
Merry Christ-mas!
I got a little Grinch here.
Look, mommy, it's Santa.
He's here, he's here.
Can I go sit on his lap?
- Please, please, please?
- Oh, sure, sweetie.
Excuse me.
My little girl
would like to see Sa..
Rich?
J.T.?
Oh, gosh, I don't want her
to recognize you guys.
Um, honey, um, why don't we go
see Santa another day, okay?
No, I want to visit him now.
Hey, Mr. Elf,
put me in Santa's lap, please.
Hey, Mr. Elf,
I think I've seen you before.
Uh, uh, me?
Can't, impossible. Ha-ha!
You must be thinking
of my cousin, Keebler.
He's the elf that makes
the cookies and the tree stuff.
Hi, Santa.
Ho-ho-ho, little girl.
So, what can Santa bring you
for Christmas?
Okay, I want Malibu Barbie
Beach House, Jumping Jerry
a magic set and Burping Bert.
But my most special thing
I want is a secret.
Oh, you could tell Santa.
I want a jewelry box
that when you open it
it plays music
and has a ballerina
that goes round and round.
Ho-ho-ho,
that's a pretty long list.
But we'll see what we can do.
Santa, there is gum
on your beard.
[gasps]
Hey, you're not Santa.
You're my lame old brother, J.T.
Mommy, he's not Santa.
I-I know,
but see that's because
Santa's at the North Pole
because--
Because he pulled a groin muscle
loading the sledge.
Right, right.
I don't believe you.
This is all a big fake.
You know what I think?
There is no real Santa.
[stammers]
Lilly, come back. Lilly?
[theme music]
♪ Step by step ♪
♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪
♪ A fresh start over ♪
♪ A different hand to play ♪
♪ The deeper we fall ♪
♪ The stronger we stay ♪
♪ We'll make it better ♪
♪ The second time around ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Honey, where is Lilly?
She's gonna miss all
the Christmas tree decorating.
[sighs]
Ah, she refused to help.
I'm worried about her, Frank.
That thing at the mall
with J.T. made her think
that there's no Santa.
Oh, come on, it couldn't have
upset her that bad.
No, it did,
when we left the store
she called the Salvation Army
Santa a big fat
bell-ringing phony.
Yeah, mom's right.
Lilly's pretty freaked out.
Today, she TP-ed
the neighbors plastic reindeer.
I'll be right back. I'm gonna
go get some more tinsel.
[sighs]
Oh, I hate this, Frank.
I don't want Lilly
to lose the fun of Christmas.
Well, I wouldn't worry
about it, honey.
After she sees the tree
all decorated and all
the presents underneath
she'll forget about
the whole thing.
Lilly? Honey?
Where are you going with all
your Christmas stuff?
I'm going to give it
to Jessie next door.
He's only four and still is
dumb enough to believe in Santa.
Lilly, Lilly, Lilly.
Honey, come here.
You know, just because there
are lot of pretend Santas
doesn't mean
there's not a real one.
Mom, face it.
There's no real Santa.
It's all a big, fat lie.
I hate Christmas.
Boy.
This is worse than I thought.
No six year old
should hate Christmas.
I know. There's so little
for kids to believe in now.
I'd just hate for Lilly
to lose this one.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
We have to do somethin'
to help her believe
in Christmas and Santa Claus.
Even if it means kidnapping
Rush Limbaugh
and stuffing his fat butt
in a Santa suit.
[instrumental music]
Hey, this just came
in the mail from grandma.
Her usual Christmas fruit cake.
Better known as "The Yule Log."
It's like the woman doesn't know
the difference between
flour and speckle.
Well, look at the upside.
Run out of fire wood,
we can always pop this sucker
in the fire place.
It'll burn till New Year's.
[chuckles]
- Hey, guys. Ah!
- Hey.
[sighs]
You know what the drawback
is to dating
ten guys at once?
Chapped lips?
That's a problem, too.
But what I was talking about is
all the presents you have to buy
and all the gift wrapping
you have to do.
Wait a minute, Karen,
you said you're dating ten guys.
Well, there's 12 boxes here.
I know, I'm allowing a two gift
cushion for any guys
I meet over the holidays.
Now, check this out.
Pretty nice, huh? Heh-heh!
And I got them
in 12 different colors.
That way, nobody gets
the same thing.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
Aren't you the thoughtful one?
Man, life stinks.
Yeah, well,
get over it, J.T.
The department store Santa
has to expect to get peed on.
It's not that, I just found
the Christmas present
I brought for Sam last July.
- Wow, what a gorgeous necklace.
- Jeez.
Bet if Sam knew
she was getting that
she'd have waited till after
Christmas to dump you.
And I can't believe I let
her go. I am such an idiot.
Well, can't argue with that,
J.T.
Listen, you blew it with Sam.
You were too immature
to make it work.
Now, quit whining and move on
because life is tough
and that's how the mop flops.
The girl spreads cheer
like a canker sore.
Man, I miss Sam.
My life is empty
and meaningless without her.
Oh, come on, J.T,
man, you gotta stop
beating yourself up about this.
You know,
maybe Sam misses you, too.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
If she was dumb enough to go out
with you in the first place
she might be dumb enough to get
back together with you.
God, I hope she's that dumb.
Listen, J.T.,
why don't you just go see her?
You know, give her the necklace.
- Tell her how you feel.
- What if she says no?
Well, then the only thing
left to do would be to
grovel like a pathetic
little worm.
I could do that. Thanks, guys.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, how are you doing?
- Good. And you?
Good, I'm here to get back
together with my girlfriend.
See, we broke up a couple
of months ago
and I finally realize
I can't live without her.
Good for you.
Thanks, I'm gonna give her
this Christmas present tonight
and tell her how much
I love her.
Well, good luck.
By the way, your shoes
are untied.
Oh, thanks.
[knock on door]
Hey, Danny! Ooh, champagne.
Oh!
'Thank you so much.'
Come on in.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
I wanna a three gigabyte
upgrade and an MMX motherboard
and a Bill Gates action figure.
That's tough, you're not
getting any of that stuff.
But, Santa,
I've been good all year.
So? That and $3.50 will get you
a Frappuccino at Starbucks.
Let me tell you something,
Jimmy. Life sucks.
You're born, you get
disappointed and you die.
Now, beat it!
Mommy, Santa's scaring me.
You kids want the truth
from Santa?
You can't handle the truth!
[Rich]
Easy, sit down, sit down.
What's your problem, Barky?
Nothing, but, uh, you might
wanna change your sign
to "Welcome to Satanland."
Yeah, you're supposed
to make the kids feel good.
Not scare the hell out of them.
Hey, Pinocchio!
You try being jolly
when your heart's
broken into a million pieces.
[sobbing]
Keep it up, J.T.,
they're gonna be hauling
Santa away in a padded sleigh.
Look, dude,
you gotta lighten up.
You're gonna get us both fired.
Besides that, you're ruining
Christmas for all the kids.
Alright now,
here comes a little girl.
- Now, you be nice.
- Yeah.
Okay. I'll be jolly, I promise.
Well, hi there, little girl.
Welcome to Santaland.
- Wanna sit on Santa's lap?
- Yeah!
Alright, come on. Whee!
Whoo! Here you go.
Ho-ho-ho, little girl.
What's your name?
Samantha!
But my friends call me Sam!
Sam? You mean it's Sam?
I had a girlfriend named Sam
and now she's gone!
[sobbing]
Mommy, Santa's crying!
Oh, God! Sam, why? Why?
[sobbing]
That was quite a display.
I've gotta go now.
But you just stay here and keep
spreading that Christmas cheer.
Well, easy there, big guy.
You're slobberin'
all over your beard.
Who cares?
Well, the Santa that's gotta
wear it from six to nine.
Merry Christmas.
[male #1 on TV]
'So, folks, bring the kiddies
tonight for the Christmas Eve'
'special at Ribs-O-Rama,
get a big slab platter'
'and meet Santa Claus.'
[male #2 on TV]
'Come on down
to Row-away Motors.'
''Cause I will eat a bug
to sell you a car.'
'And Santa will watch
your kids. He-he-he.'
[male #3 on TV]
'Yo-yo-yo, homies!
Santa's in the house.'
There's no Santa. How dumb
do they think us kids are?
[groaning]
Oh, no!
Well, Merry Christmas, Lilly,
Santa Claus is here.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Which one are you?
The Santa from the rib place?
Or the one who sells Toyotas?
Well, I'm the real Santa, Lilly.
The one and only,
that's me. Ho-ho-ho!
I don't believe
in Santa anymore.
[gasps]
You don't?
Well, look at my belly.
And when I laugh, it shakes
like a bowl full of jelly.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
I bet you haven't seen
a gut like this
since they yanked Roseanne
off the air.
[laughs]
Come on, you're not really
Santa Claus...are you?
Well, now, let me see.
It is Christmas Eve.
You've been a good little girl.
And I've got a sack
full of toys.
I must be Santa Claus.
You know I've been good?
Oh, I know who's
been naughty or nice.
Uh, take your brother J.T.,
for instance.
He hasn't paid
his rent in a while.
And we stuff his stockin'
full of eviction notices.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Gee! You really are Santa!
Oh! Yeah, Lilly,
the one and only.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho! Oh..
Oh, my God!
- If you're Santa Claus..
- Huh?
Who's that?
- Uh, um..
- Ahem.
- Uh...I'm, uh, Mrs. Claus.
- 'Ho-ho-ho!'
Yes, yes,
I'm Claudia Claus.
Yes, yes,
I'm just here helping Santa out
on his very busy night.
If you're Mrs. Claus,
how come you have a beard?
Uh, 'cause, uh..
I forgot to shave this morning.
You think her face is hairy,
you should see her legs.
Ho-ho-ho!
She's got more fur
than Prancer.
Ho-ho-ho!
Uh, thank you, Santa.
Oh, she's a real winter woman.
Ho-ho-ho!
Well, everything's under control
here, Mrs. Claus.
So, you can,
uh, move along now.
Okay, Santa.
Well, I'll be seeing you
at home.
- Oh, fly safely.
- Yeah! Okay.
Well, bye, Lilly,
and-and Merry Christmas.
- Yeah! Ho-ho-ho..
- 'Merry Christmas.'
Ho-ho-ho!
- Oh!
- Oh, look who we have here.
Yeah, who do we have there?
We-we have, uh,
well, we have our son!
- 'Oh!'
- Santa Jr.
Oh! It's Jay.
Ho, good to see ya. Ho-ho-ho!
- No, it's not.
- Huh?
It's Mark and you're daddy
and you're mommy.
And you're all a bunch of fakes.
Just like J.T.
[sighs]
Well, thanks a lot, Frank.
Why didn't you tell me you
were gonna dress up like Santa?
Me? Oh, come on.
I was here first.
And what about you, stretch?
You look like
Santa on SlimFast.
Ho-ho-ho!
Oh, forget it!
[instrumental "Silent Night"]
[yawning]
Oh, my..
Here we go again.
Hello, Lilly, Merry Christmas.
Which one are you?
Mom, dad, J.T. or Mark?
Actually, my name is
Kris, Kris Kringle.
But my friends
call me Santa Claus.
With a fakey lookin' beard,
I don't think so.
Ow!
Wow, it's real.
Of course, it is.
Who did you think I was,
the Easter Bunny?
So, your beard is real.
Anybody could have a real beard.
Yes, but would anybody know
that this is the one gift
that you really wanted
for Christmas?
A jewelry box!
It's the jewelry box
with the little ballerina.
Just like I wanted.
But how did you know?
The only one I told was J.T.
when he was pretending
to be Santa.
That's why I have all
the other assistant Santas
to help me, Lilly.
So I can find out
what boys and girls
all over the world want.
You know, it's not easy tracking
5.7 billion people.
Even with Windows 95,
a 56K modem
Wow! You are the real Santa!
Mommy, daddy, come quick!
I'm real to everyone
who believes in me.
- I do, Santa. I do.
- Ho-ho!
Mommy, daddy, hurry up!
Come quick!
What is it, Lilly? Are you okay?
[Frank]
Yeah, honey, what happened?
It's Santa.
Santa's here, the real one.
Where did he go?
He was just here.
Well, he probably
went up the chimney.
Well, sure, honey. You know,
that's how he leaves the house.
Oh, yeah!
But look what he gave me.
It's what I really,
really wanted.
Let me see that.
Oh, isn't that pretty.
Oh, I'm so happy
for you, Lilly. Ooh!
I can't wait to go back
to sleep, so when I wake up
I can open
the rest of my presents.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Well, looks like she'll have
a great Christmas after all.
- Yep.
- Thanks, Frank.
- Hmm?
- That was a great idea.
Hiring someone to play Santa.
I didn't do that, honey.
I thought you did.
[sleigh bells ringing]
[instrumental music]
Okay! Ready, set, open!
Surprise! I fooled you.
Ha-ha-ha!
I didn't buy these
just for my boyfriends.
I got them for
everybody who loves me.
Well, they're lovely.
Thank you, Karen.
- Hmm.
- Thanks.
What's the matter, J.T.?
Don't you like yours?
It's great, I love it.
Merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho.
Hey, J.T.,
I know you're a little
down on the dumps about Sam.
But it is Christmas. Why don't
you try and enjoy it, huh?
You know, uh, J.T.,
I, uh, have something that
I think might cheer you up.
Dana, even you moving out
wouldn't cheer me up.
Alright, just shut up
and close your eyes.
Dana, if this is
some kinda goof
I'm not in the mood
for playin' around.
Uh, I think you'll wanna play
around with this.
Merry Christmas, J.T.
Sam!
'What're you doin' here?'
Well, Dana came
over and told me everything.
J.T., I really miss you, too.
But what about
that good lookin' blond guy
I saw at your place
the other night?
That guy was my cousin, Danny.
Really?
Oh, man, this is so great.
Sam, I've been missing you
since the day we broke up.
- Then shut up and kiss me.
- Mmm.
Dana..
...I don't know what to say.
That alone is
present enough for me.
Merry Christmas, J.T.
Merry Christmas, Dana.
Ah!
Hey..
This turned out to be a great
Christmas after all.
- Yes.
- Yay!
[instrumental music]
Oh, let's put down
our eggnog
and sing some Christmas Carols,
okay?
Come on, Dana, you play.
I wanna make sure
I get my money's worth
out of all those
piano lessons I gave you.
"Hark the Herald Angels Sing."
Okay?
- Okay.
- Ah!
- Okay. Here we go.
- Okay.
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪
♪ Peace on Earth
and mercy mild ♪
♪ God and sinners reconciled ♪
♪ Joyful all ye nations rise ♪
♪ Join the triumph
of the skies ♪
♪ With angelic host proclaim ♪
♪ Christ is born in Bethlehem ♪
♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn King ♪♪
- Good job!
- Thank you.
- Good. Yeah.
- This one's nice.
[bell rings]