Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 20 - Talking Trash - full transcript

J.T., hey.

I gotta tell you something.

Your father is a genius.

Really? I thought
you were my father.

Next week
is Carol's birthday,

and I have found
the perfect gift.

Let me take you
through the entire

Frank Lambert
thought process.

Okie dokie.

Now, I've been
researching this for a month.

This was my first choice.



Cashmere sweater.
Very classy.

It's garbage.

Anybody can get her that.

It's way too impersonal.

Jewelry.
It's always a winner.

Wrong.

Carol's got
way too much jewelry.

So what'd you get her?

Check this out.
Come here.

Got her the deluxe
emergency road safety kit.

So look at it.

I mean, it's got
your jumper cables.

It's got flares.
It's got a first-aid kit.

It's got a three-day supply



of dehydrated food.

I mean, come on.
What do you think here?

I think you
are going down, Dad.

Dad, this is the most
wholly unromantic gift

in the history
of birthdays.

Unromantic?

Son, do you know
what women really want?

A hot, young stud like me?

No.

They want security.

This gift oozes security.

This gift says,
"I love you.

"And I want you to be safe
under all road conditions."

Dad, this gift says,
"I got my wife's birthday gift

"from Manny, Moe, and Jack."

Hey, Dana.

Little brother,
you are looking at a woman

who has found a sure way
to earn $3,000.

Yeah? Posing for that
"Girls of the Cheese State"
calendar?

No, you pervert.

College is holding a contest

to develop community
recycling projects.

First prize
is a year's tuition,
and I'm gonna win it.

What makes you so sure?

My project partner
is the biggest science geek
on the campus,

Doug Steckler.

Doug Steckler?

That guy
has one massive brain.

I worship him.

Sweetness,
did you hear about
this recycling contest?

I signed us up as a team.
Isn't that great?

Gee, I was gonna watch
American Gladiators,

but this might be better.

Out.

Or I'll tell mom you watch
Baywatchin your underwear.

Okay, okay.
No, no. All right.

Kiss me, baby.
I'm a genius.

Rich, um,
about us being partners
for the contest--

I know. Isn't it great?

The two of us,
side by side.

You working
on a brilliant idea,

me working on your neck...

I'm really serious
about winning.

And I'm really serious
about this spot here
on your neck.

It's yummy.

Rich, look.
I already have
another partner.

Another partner? Who?

Doug Steckler.

Doug "Pit Stain" Steckler?

The science weenie?

Why would you pick him
instead of me?

Because he's smart.

I mean not
that you're not smart.

It's just that,
you know, Doug's smart,
like, in an intelligent way,

and you're smart

in your own way.

I get it.

So I'm smart enough
to be your little boy toy,
but not your partner.

Is that it?

I was so afraid
you wouldn't understand.

Make a wish, Mommy.

Okay. This is easy. Okay.

Hey!

Carol.

My God, woman.

You have the lungs
of a blowfish.

Yeah.

Open your gifts, Carol.

Here, Mom.
This is from all of us kids.

I think you're
gonna be really surprised.

It's a cashmere sweater!

Yeah, right.

My God.

It is a cashmere sweater.

This is so classy.

Thank you.

It was J.T.'s idea.

J.T.? You're kidding.

How did you know
this is exactly what I wanted?

Well, I...

I get these intuitions.

It's all part
of the J.T. Lambert
thought process.

I hope it's not
too impersonal.

Impersonal?

It's cashmere,
and it's my favorite color.

Thank you so much.

I love you guys.

Happy birthday.

Come here, sweetheart.

And all this time
I thought The Brady Bunch

was just a crock.

Carol, a petite token
of my great, great affection

and superb taste
on your special day.

Aw, thank you.

Gosh.

My word.

These are the most
gorgeous earrings

I've ever seen in my life.

Honey, don't you
have a pair of earrings
kinda like that already?

Who cares?

A woman can never
have too much jewelry.

These are gorgeous.

Carol,
you showed me a picture

of these exact earrings
in a magazine.

Yeah, but that must have
been six months ago.

I can't believe
you remembered.

You're my best friend.
Of course I remember.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.
You are incredible.

Hey, Carol, you think
you're excited now?

Why don't you wait
and see what Dad got you
for your birthday?

Go ahead, Dad.
Give her the gift.

This is gonna
knock your socks off.

I can't wait.

Well, I think
that my gift to you

is one that should be
opened in private.

And deny us
the opportunity

to see the joy
on Carol's face?

I won't have it.

Yeah, come on.
I wanna open it now.

Yeah.

Well, okay.
Brendan...

Here you go, Carol.

Wow, it's really big.

Boy.

Well, whatever it is,

it's hidden inside this
emergency road safety kit.

Okay.

Look.

It's a road safety
emergency kit.

Gee, thanks, Frank.

This is just so

practical.

Isn't it, kids?

Yeah.
Great gift.

Very thoughtful.

Nicely wrapped, Frank.

This is a joke gift,
right, Dad?

Well...

Well, honey,
this probably isn't a great
gift for your birthday.

No.

No, I love it.

Isn't it great, Jean-Luc?

I, really, I...

I think,
that I need cake.

Who needs cake?

Now, Doug,
we've got to think
scientific but practical.

I mean,
recycling that's accessible
to the common man.

You know, I still think
that my plan to run cars

on cow manure
is a sure winner.

There they are.

Pinky and the Brain.

I just thought
I'd drop by

and offer you my heartiest
of best wishes.

Sorry. I have a, um,
glandular condition.

I sweat a lot.

Bummer.

Listen, Dane,
I just wanna let you know

that there's
no hard feelings

about you not choosing me
to be your partner, okay?

Really?
Really.

In fact, you know,
I think I found a partner

who's a lot more suited
to my needs.

That's probably her now.

Her?
Yes.

I asked her to,
pick me up here

so you could meet her.

Hi, Rich.
You ready for me?

Yes.

Come on in first.

Want you to meet
a couple people.

Dana, I don't know
if you remember. This is--

Barbie.

Yes, you were
dancing with Rich
at the fraternity party.

Wow, what a memory.

Yeah, well, some things
are unforgettable.

Um, Rich, can I have a word
with you for a minute?

I really don't think
we have the time--

Make time.

Just...

You think you're cute,
don't you?

Yeah. Pretty cute.

I can't believe that
you would stoop to using
some bimbo to get back at me.

Bimbo?
Dana, I'm shocked.

A staunch feminist
like yourself

assuming Barbie's a bimbo

simply because she's gorgeous,
has a body to die for,

and a Kewpie-doll mouth
men only dream about?

Please.

She is nothing
but a shallow,
little party tramp.

Shallow?

Do you realize she has
one of the world's

most extensive
My Little Pony
collections?

Fine.

You want Miss December
as your partner, go ahead,

but don't
come crying to me

when you're
the laughingstock
of the entire campus.

Um, Rich, we really
ought to get going.

Alas, Dana,
I'd love to chat,

but duty calls.

Um, actually,
my name's Barbie.

Come on, Barbie.
Work with me here.

We need an idea
that sizzles.

We're not that dumb.

Not really.

Not really what?

Barbie, this is really
important to me, okay?

I need to prove to Dana

that I am not
the fly-weight intellectual
she thinks I am.

And you want me to help?

If you can.

Cool.

Okay. Let's think
real hard, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Rich.
Looks like there's a leak
in your think tank.

It just so happens
we're working.

Well, excuse us.

Doug and I have
500 pages of research

to start compiling.

Not since I calculated
the perturbation
of Mercury's orbit

have I known this sort
of academic thrill.

There she is.

Barbie, what are you doing?

I'm thinking.

Well, stop it.

You'll be late
for cheerleading practice.

I forgot.
It went right out
of my head.

Rich, could we
think again later?

I've got
cheerleading practice.

That's it! Cheerleaders!

They're the answer
to the world's
ecological problems.

We are?
Yes!

Cool.

Come on.

Dana, I am genius
with a capital "J."

Carol.
Yeah?

Honey, I,
I want to apologize.

For what?

Well, for getting you such
an unromantic birthday gift.

Frank.
You know, you gave me
the gift with love.

That's all
that's important to me.

Well, I just don't think
it was a good enough gift

to prove to you
how much I love you.

So I got you
another present.

I don't want
another present.

Well, you got one anyway.
Come on. Take a look.

Frank.
Come on. Come on.

Here we go.

Happy birthday.

A boat?
Yeah.

You know, Jean-Luc
is not the only one

who pays attention
to what you say.

Do you remember
about three years ago,

we were in bed,
watching TV,

and we saw a red boat,
and you said,

"Boy, that looks like fun."

Frank, I don't want a boat.

You want a Cadillac?

Or an RV? Or both?
I'll buy you anything.

Frank. Frank.
Honey, I will.

Frank.

I got the only thing
I want for my birthday.

I got to be with you.

You know, Frank,
every morning, I wake up,

and I look over
on your side of the bed,

and I just smile.

'Cause I know
I get to spend the rest
of my life with you.

Really?
Really.

Then I am
the luckiest man
in the world.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

Can we take our seats
so we can begin
the award ceremony?

Good evening,
students and faculty.

I'm Professor Robert Nesler.

Thank you.

Both.

This evening,
it is my great privilege

to award first prize
for the best community
recycling plan.

Now, there were many
worthy projects,

but I think
it's important
to select one

that was truly exceptional.

Would Ms. Dana Foster
and Mr. "Pit Stain" Steckler

please stand up?

Ms. Foster,
Mr. Steckler.

Your plan
to turn cow manure

into a neo-fossil fuel

was brilliantly
conceived and executed.

Well, thank you,
Professor Nesler.

This is a great honor.

But I have to say
that if I hadn't chosen
the right partner,

Doug Steckler,
I wouldn't have won.

You didn't win.

No, I was just
trying to be kind.

You came in second.

First prize
and a year's tuition

goes to Rich Halke
and Barbie Dahl.

Yes!

We did it!

Yes!

Wow. I just wanna say
this is a great honor,

and, I owe it all
to choosing the right partner.

Otherwise I would
have ended up

with a project
that was just a pile
of cow manure.

Mr. Halke
and Ms. Dahl's plan

for community-wide recycling

is so incredibly
simple-minded

that any idiot walking down
the street could do it.

Mr. Halke, Ms. Dahl,
would you care

to come up
and explain your project

to the simple-minded
members of the audience?

Love to.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

You could do all
the research you want.

But if you want
the general public
to recycle,

you have to reach
the common man.

Now, I could recycle
this aluminum can,

but only with
the proper motivation.

Watch and learn.

Now, I'm just
an average guy

walking down the street.

Think I'll throw this can
in the gutter.

Stop.
Don't be a litterbug.

If you recycle that can
and make a basket,

I'll cheer for you.

That sounds great to me.

Whoo!
Whoo!

Whoo!

Now come on, guys.
Be honest.

Don't you wanna
give your can to Barbie?

Let's give a round
of applause to our winners.

Well, congratulations
are in order.

Congratulations.

I guess I owe you
an apology.

I guess you do.

I'm sorry.

Now, you know,
if I was a smart guy
like Doug Steckler,

that might be enough
of an apology,

but, you see,
I'm kinda dense,

so you're gonna
have to really
spell it out for me.

Is that really necessary?

Yeah.

All right.

I don't always
give you credit

for being as smart
as you are.

Thank you.
I really mean that, though.

I mean, I guess
you're not book-smart,

but you're so creative.

You know, I wish I could
be as creative as you are.

You were creative enough
to pick me, weren't you?

There's
that yummy spot again.

Come on, it'll be fun.

I hate this.

Now, now,
I had to do my shift,
you have to do yours.

If we want the people
to recycle,

we all have to pitch in.

You look great.

And you can even wear that
on our date tonight.

Rather shave my legs
with a potato peeler.

Are you the recycling babe?

Yes, she is.

You just,
tell her your name,

and she'll do
a little cheer for you.

My name's Phil.

Thanks.

Now that wasn't
so hard, was it?

Hi, Dana.

I've got a thousand
empty deodorant cans in there.

Come on, baby.

Cheer me.

Make me recycle.