Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 21 - Walk Like a Man - full transcript

I'm telling you, Mark.

-Hi.
-Hi, honey.

You guys play the way
you did today at practice,

and you are a lock
for the championships.

Wildcats will prevail.

-Yes!
-Yeah.

I just can't wait to go

to your championship
game, sweetie pie.

Mom, there are no
sweetie pies in basketball.

Well, that's what
makes you so special.

Mwah.



- Frank, she's killing me.
- Sit down. Carol--

So I wanna get
to the game real early

because I wanna get
a really great seat.

- Well, honey, Mark and I
have been talking...-

...and we thought maybe
it would be best

if, just for
the championship game,

if maybe you sat a little
farther away from the court.

- Like where?
- Like here.

But I always
go to Mark's games.

Yeah, and you always
embarrass me.

How do I embarrass you?

By standing up
in the middle
of the game yelling,

"Don't worry, honey, you'll
hit the basket next time.

"You're still my little MVP."



So you don't want me
to go to your game

after I carried you
for nine months

and gave birth
in the hospital parking lot

in the snow?

Frank, she's got me
backed in the birth canal.

Do something.

Listen.

Carol,
you're a wonderful mother,

and we both love you,

but if you set
one foot in the gym,

I'll have security
take you out.

But I made a cake
for the whole team.

It's in the shape
of a basketball.

It says, "Good luck,
dribble bunnies."

The kitty's here.

The kitty's gone!

The kitty's here!

Kitty's gone.

God, I have no life.

What a night.

I have never been so moved.

So, Rich, you look spiffy.
How was the opera?

It was great. Fantabulous.

I am a true opera head.

Well, if you thought
the opera was fun,

wait till next week,

because we are going
to the ballet.

We're going to the ballet.

10 bucks says
it's The Nutcracker.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Nothing.
I think you guys make
a beautiful couple.

A strong woman and a doormat.

Hey. I'm not a doormat.

I got plenty of say
in this relationship.

Don't I?

-Of course you do.
-Of course I do.

Man. This is pathetic.

Since you started
going out with Barky,

it's like
you've been neutered.

I can't remember the last time

we went out
on a Saturday night
and did guy stuff.

I could go out with you
Saturday night and do
guy stuff if I wanted to.

Couldn't I, sweetie?

Don't ask her.
Are you a man,
or aren't you?

Of course I'm a man!

So what are you saying?

So you'd rather
spend Saturday night
with Jughead than with me?

Yes, yes!

As a matter of fact, I would.

Saturday night,
me and my buddy

are gonna go out
and do some guy stuff.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

-Man stuff!
-Yeah.

Another thing.
Woman, I'm hungry.

Why don't you
go in that kitchen
and make me a sandwich?

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Rich, I'll tell you what.

You wait here.

When you see a pig
come flying through the room,

I'll be back
with your sandwich.

Guess I told her?

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

This is what happened
to Delta Burke.

Carol, I have
the super-fantastic news.

I was at the salon,
doing my...

Baby.

I was at the salon

doing my 21st
Jennifer Aniston
haircut of the day

when it suddenly hit me.

I don't like
this woman's hair.

You know, there's a big
"C" shape over here,

and another one over here.

It looks like two Pac-Men
are gonna meet in the middle

and eat Jennifer's face.

Suddenly it come to me.

I have the solution
for your little problem
with Mark.

It's not a little problem.

I have been banned
from my son's basketball game.

My son!

My own flesh and blood
that I carried
for nine months

and gave birth
in the hospital parking lot...

In the snow.

What? Have I told you
about that before?

Repeatedly.
Now listen to me, Miss Piggy.

You got to stop
feeling sorry for yourself.

-Guess what?
-What?

You are going to Mark's game,

but you are not going
to Mark's game.

What are you talking about?

Don't ask me any questions.
Just take your clothes off.

What?

Okay, I'm ready!

Wait, wait. No.

Don't, come yet.

I want to pretend
that I don't know
who you are,

that I never see you
before in my life.

I don't even know where I am.

I just want to clear my head.

I want to...

I want to empty my mind.

Okay.

Entrez.

So what do you think?

Well, I think that...

You look like a...

You look like a woman
dressed as a man.

I don't...

Well, then, fix it.
Make me look like a real man.

Ma chérie,
that would require
numerous injections

and a trip to Sweden.

Well, this is
gonna have to do,

because Mark's game
is in five minutes.

No, no, no. Carol, Carol.

-What?
-Carol, look, look.

I know this was my idea, okay?

But, now that I see it,

I really hate it.

I can't let you
go to the game
looking like this.

Well, I don't care.

This is my son's
championship ball game.

I'm not gonna miss it.
I don't care what you think.

Wait, Carol, please,
please just...

For the love
of Saint Michel,

don't open your mouth.

Don't say nothing
or you will really
be discovered.

Will you trust me?

No one will find out
that I'm a woman.

Okay.

She's a dead man.

Let's go. Come on.

Well, this is great, Frank.

Yeah, I think we're wiping up
the floor with these boys.

No, I wasn't
talking about that.

I'm just glad we left mom
and her big mouth back home.

Okay. Here we go.

Frank, was that guy
wearing perfume?

Yeah, you put on a free game,

all kinds of weirdos show up.

Okay, Wildcats, we got
these losers on the ropes!

Now bury their
wimpy little butts.

Good game?

Okay, Mark,
go in for Billy. Go!

You're putting in Mark Foster,
the wussy boy?

Get real!

I can get up the floor
faster than that little twerp,

and I got
a steel rod in my hip.

Hey.

Sorry, got a nervous twitch.

No problem.
Got one myself.

Took a bullet in 'Nam.

Okay,
that's good, Mark.

Now, good D. Here we go.
Hey, all right!

What is this?
Trucker night
at the ball game?

Bonsoir,good buddy.

Jean-Luc,
what are you doing here?

I came here to keep you
from exposing yourself.

-That come out wrong.
-Yes.

Why are you dressed like this?

Well, I could not come
as Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

If I was recognized,

then I would be
trampled to death

by women who want me to
clean up their split ends.

So I disguised myself as
a typical American trucker.

Except for the fact
that my hair

has twice the shine,
twice the body.

And the secret is protein.

That's traveling. Foster.

It's basketball, Foster,
not a track meet,

you pencil-neck geek.

-Hey!
-Carol.

Yeah, try dribbling the ball,
you little mama's boy.

Hey, that's my kid
you're talking about!

No wonder he's a wimp.

His father talks like a girl.

You take back
what you said about him.

-Take it back! Take it back!
-Carol, Carol, we're
going to leave now.

You know, you heard me.
You heard me.

He's a little weenie.

Why don't you take him home
and put him in his
Girl Scout uniform

so we can get some
real men out here?

All right, all right,
bullet head.

-No! Carol!
-Come on! You're going down.

Good God, it's one of them
cross-dressing freaks
from Milwaukee.

-Okay.
-Stop it. Stop it.

Carol! Carol, stop it!

Time out!

Hey, man,
we got some trailer trash
fighting in the stands.

-Help me break this up.
-Yeah, okay.

All right, you bozos.
You're out of here.

This pervert
and her boyfriend started it.

Yeah?
Well, you're a big-mouth bass.

- Carol?
- Hi, Frank.

Mom?

Hi, sweetie pie.

No doubt about it.
I'm looking at therapy.

Rich, en garde.

Aw, man. Isn't this great?

This is great.

A couple guys hanging around,
doing guy stuff?

You know, I'm starting
to miss the opera.

I'm gonna call Dana.

No, you don't.
That'd be giving up, okay?

You might as well mail her
your manhood in a paper bag.

A small paper bag.

Dana, it'll be fun.
You'll see.

Guys, I don't like parties
that much, okay?

I would just rather be home,
reading a book.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dana, I'm not gonna
let you sit home alone

while Rich is out
having a good time.

I mean, that'd be like
giving him all the power
in the relationship.

God.
What's Barky doing here?

Dana's here?
Dana's here!
My God.

I can't let her see me
standing here alone.

She'll think
I'm a loser like you.

You, dance with me.

Get real.

Fine. If you dance with me,
I'll give you five bucks?

Ten bucks. And a pizza.

And no touching.

You got it. Deal.

Let's...

Look who's here.

That no-good,
two-timing pig dog.

He's dancing
with another woman.

And not very well.

He said he wanted to go out
with JT and do guy things.

Well, he's cheating on you.
That is a guy thing.

Yeah?

Well, revenge is a girl thing.

You, dance with me.

Sure. Nice to meet you.
My name's--

Shut up. No names. Just dance.

Hey!

Hello, Rich.

Good to see you're
having a happy guy night

with your guy friend
Jessica Rabbit.

Well, you're not exactly home
watching Murphy Brown
now, are you?

-Hi. My name's--
-Nobody cares.

You lied to me.

You said you wanted
to hang out with JT,

and here you are picking up
on some cheap bimbo.

No, I'm not cheap.

I'm getting ten bucks
and a pizza for this.

Beat it, Barbie.

Hey, that's not
a nice thing to call her.

No, no, it's really okay.

My name really is Barbie.

No way. My name's Ken.

Ken and Barbie?

-Yeah.
-That's fate.

You know, I really do
drive a pink Corvette.

So, this is your idea
of a guy night?

Cruising for other women?

Well, you seem to be
having a pretty good time

with Mr. Boy Toy over there.

I can dance with
whoever I want to.

You don't own me.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.

You know what you are?
You're a control freak.

Take that back.

See? There you go again.

Always ordering me around.

Everything always has
to be your way, doesn't it?

You pick the movie.
You pick the restaurant.

You even tell me
what to order for dessert.

You're like some bizarre
cross between Adolf Hitler
and Martha Stewart.

How dare you compare me
to Martha Stewart?

Take it back.

Take it back or I'll...

I will smash this cake
right in your face.

Dana, you don't have the...

Okay.

Well, I certainly hope

that you like wearing pastry.

You're not man
enough to do it.

Big mistake.

Now...

Now, wait a second.

You are gonna pay for that.

Okay, wait a second.
Wait a second.

I've seen enough.
I let it go too far.

You guys are
acting like morons.

You know what, JT?

There were no problems
in our relationship

until you stuck
your big nose in.

Hey, you know, Dana's right.

We were doing just fine
until you got into it.

I was just trying to help.

Your relationship
is sick and demented,

and I thought I needed
to point that out.

You should thank me.

You know, Dana, he's right.

We should thank him.

Yes, you should.

Here you go, JT.

From now on, butt out.

Man, try to help
some people...

Would you look at those two?

They're disgusting.

I'm sorry, Dana.

I said some things
I didn't mean.

I guess I just got crazy
when I saw you with that guy.

I was only dancing with him

'cause I couldn't stand
seeing you
dance with that girl.

But I guess you wouldn't
have even been at this party
in the first place

if I wasn't always
dragging you to the ballet

and dragging you
to the opera, and...

Well, it would be nice
to have a little say
once in a while.

Okay, so what do you
wanna do next weekend?

One word.

WrestleMania.

It's like ballet,

but there's big fat guys
dancing in their underwear.

What else you got?

I don't know.

There's gotta
be something
we both like.

I like cake.

I like cake too.

You got some on your nose.

Do you mind
if I talk to Mark alone?

No. I don't wanna
be anywhere near
this conversation.

Mark.

Look, I know
I embarrassed you.

It's just that when
you told me that, you know,

you didn't want me
to come to your game,

I felt shut out of your life,

and I'm not ready for it.

Mom, I'm 15 years old.

It's not healthy for you

to be hanging
around me all the time,

calling me baby names.

You're gonna have
to let me grow up.

I know. I know. You're right.

I have to give you some space.
It's just...

Isn't there any way I can fit
into your life any more?

Okay, you can
come to my games under
the following conditions.

Okay.

Number one, you will not
call me sweetie pie,

pumpkin, muffin,
or any other food item.

Deal.

Number two,
please wear clothes

that come from your side
of the closet only.

Fine.

And number three.

You will never, ever,
under any circumstances,

sew my name into
my jockstrap again.

But what if they
get mixed up with--

Mom.

Right. I'm sorry. Promise.

No one should ever be
embarrassed by their family.

Hey, guys.

So how was the game?

Brendan,

is there something
that you would
like to tell us?

You mean the tutu.

Lilly made me play
ballerina with her.

Hey, Brendan.

Come on, Brendan.
It's your turn to be
the Sugar Plum Fairy.

You know, maybe it's time

Frank take
all the guys
in the house

out for a little
fishing trip, you know?