Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 7 - Hello, Mister Chips - full transcript

Stupid job, I hate that job.
Who needs it anyway?

Hey, Al, problems at work?

Yeah, I got fired.

You lost
your waitressing job

with that sunny disposition?
I'm shocked.

Gee, Al, you got canned again?
What did you do this time?

Well, it wasn't my fault.

See, this stupid lady
spent about 20 minutes
trying to decide

what kind of cheese
she should
have on her patty melt,

so I made a suggestion.

Which was?



I told her if I had a butt
like that, I'd lay off
the cheese all together.

Hey, Dad,
maybe you can talk my boss

into giving me my job back.

Yeah, wait a minute Al,

don't expect me
to bail you out, okay?

You lost your job because
you have an attitude problem.

If you expect to make it
in the working world,

you've got to learn
to be a team player.

Dad...

Great, now I'm never gonna
find a job.

It's not your fault.

You're a Lambert.
You're destined to be
chronically unemployed.

Al, good news.

I heard they're looking for
someone to work at the
new cookie store at the mall.



How did you know
I'd be looking for a job?

Well, you've been at that
restaurant for almost a week.

I just figured
you'd be fired by now.

Okay, Lambert,
we're ready to open.

It's showtime.

This is so lame.

Lame?

There's nothing lame
about representing

the fastest growing mall
franchise in America.

Chin up, shoulders back.

Show some pride.

I'm wearing a cookie
on my head.

How proud is that?

My God. He's here.

-What? Who's here?
-He's here.

The head honcho.

Straighten up. Look sharp.

Yes.

Hello, Mister Chips.

Welcome aboard, sir.

It's good to see you again.

-What's with the monkey?
-Show a little respect.

This is Mister Chips,
he's our corporate mascot.

He comes to all
the store openings.

Alright, Mister Chips.

Time to go to work. Let's go.

Hey, I'll see you around 6:00.

-Okay, Bill. See you later.
-Right.

Bye, Mister Chips.

Yeah.

Okay, you'll stay at the
counter with Mister Chips.

I'll be in the back
making more cookies.

No, wait.
Mr. Sloan, um...

you expect me
to work with a monkey?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This "monkey"
has opened thirty five stores
in the last two years.

If he could answer the phone,
you'd be out of a job.

If you have any questions,

ask him.

-Dad?
-Yeah?

Is it okay
if I ride my bike out front?

Yeah, sure, pal.

Thanks.

-Frank?
-Yeah?

I just talked
to Annette Parks.

-And guess what?
-What?

I've been chosen
to direct the fund raiser
for the community theater.

Well, that's great.

I'm even gonna be
in it myself.

-That's great.
-And you are too.

That stinks.

Come on, Frank, I want us
to play Tarzan and Jane.

Awe, come on, honey,

I wore that Tarzan costume
last Halloween and I hated it.

The loincloth gave me
a wedgie.

Come on, Frank.
I mean, the first rehearsal
is tonight.

Besides, if Frank
play Tarzan,

Jane make him feel like
"King of the Jungle."

Nice try, honey.

But there are three things
I'll never ever do again.

Number one, eat sushi.

Number two,
zip up my pants in the dark.

And number three, wear
a Tarzan costume in public.

Wow.

Thanks for letting me
tag along, guys.

I've never seen
a real pool hall before.

That's okay, Mark.

Most of the people here
have never seen
a real geek before.

I don't think
I heard you correctly.

-Who's the geek?
You're the geek.
-I'm the geek.

Yeah. Okay, cool.

Now that we got settled,
let's play pool, man.

Dudesie,
there's a free pool table.

Come on.

Hey, man, me and Mark
will play against
you and Rich, okay?

I'll break.

I've seen
The Color of Money
twelve times.

I think I can be
a real pool shark.

Hop to it, Jackson.

Let me give you
a little advice there, cuz.

Try and keep the cue ball
on the table.

Yeah, that should
really improve your game.

It's okay, Cody.
I guess I'm not
very good at this.

What, are you kidding me?

Pool should be
a piece of cake for a
brainy little dude like you.

Come on now,
get in there.

What does being smart
have to do with playing pool?

Yeah, J.T. can play pool
real good

-and he's an idiot.
-Yeah.

Dude, the game of pool
is nothing but geometry
and physics.

You know,
triangles, angles, and force.

I see,

so it's all related
to Newton's second
law of motion.

To wit, the acceleration of a
mass by a force is inversely
proportional to the mass

and directly proportional
to the force.

Totally.

Now get in there
and show them what
a brainiac can do.

Yeah, like this math stuff is
really going to work.

-That was luck.
-Yeah.

-Cody, it works.
-Totally, man!

What? Did you think
Sir Isaac Newton was just
yanking your chain?

Come on, Slick,
I'll buy you a soda.

I can't believe that little
dork just ran the table.

Geez, with the way he plays,
he could take anybody
in the place.

Hey, look, there's Big Jim.

He's the best pool hustler
in Port Washington.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

You take the blonde,
I'll take the brunette.

No, you idiot.

We could play Big Jim
for money. We'll use Mark.

Absolutely. Okay.

All right, follow my lead.

Hey, whatever you do,
don't say anything to Cody.

He's into honesty
and morality
and all that garbage.

Just forget about that.

All right, come on.

Hey, Big Jim, I was wondering
if, you wanted to play
for some money?

What?
With a little punk like you?

No, actually with the little
blonde punk right over there.

You're kidding, right?

-Nope.
-Fine.

How about we play
for 500 bucks?

How about we make it 1,000?

You're on.

I've got an opening
tonight at...

-8:00.
-8:00.

Have your boy here
and bring cash.

Thank you. Come again.

Would you give me a break?
It's my first day.

Bad news.

The animal trainer
won't be able to pick up
Mister Chips tonight.

So, um, are you going to have
to take him home over night?

No, you are.

What?

Me? No, no, I can't do that.

Can't?

There is no can't here at
Hello, Mister Chips.

Hey, if you want
to keep this job,

you're gonna be a
team player and take this
monkey home tonight.

Why don't you take him home?

Hey, hey, hey,
I've got my mother-in-law
living with me.

One hairy beast in
the house is enough.

Mr. Sloan, wait a minute.

You don't understand. I mean,

my dad got upset
when my brother brought home
a guinea pig.

I mean, he'll go crazy
if I bring home a monkey.

Well, that's your problem,
not mine.

Good night, Mister Chips.

You lock up.

All right, quiet.
No more jungle noises.

Hey, why is this door locked?

Go away.

You don't have a guy
in there, do you?

Well, sort of.

Al, we can stand here
and bang on this door
all day.

All right, shut up,
come on, hurry up.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

Gee, Al, even you can do
better than that.

It is not my date.

Mister Chips is the mascot
at the cookie store.

The Mister Chips?

This is so exciting.

I've never met
a celebrity before.

All right, look,

my boss said I have
to keep him here overnight
or get fired.

So you two have to promise
to keep this a secret.

Really? Why should we?

All right, he can stay.

That's so sweet, Frank.

Gee, thanks for
setting up the chairs.

That's okay.
Gee, what are you
wearing that for?

This? Well, the costume
helps me get into character.

Frank, I'm sorry
you can't play Tarzan.

Yeah, well, you know,
this is,

the night I always set aside
to rotate my tires.

Well don't worry
about it, Annette.

I found a terrific guy to
play Tarzan in this honeymoon
sketch with me.

-Hi, Carol.
-Hi, Troy.

-Come on in.
-How are you?

Fine. Everybody,
this is Troy Hartman.

You probably recognize him
from all the underwear ads
in the Sunday supplement.

He's the one
who's gonna play Tarzan?

God, he's gorgeous.

He can climb my tree
any time.

Okay, are you ready, Troy?

Am I ready? Yes, I am.

Okay, well,
let's begin.

Sure.

Frank, we're going to
rehearsal now.

So you can go do
whatever you're gonna do.

Okay, I'll just go.
Bye, y'all.

Okay.

Alright, let's start with the
scene when Tarzan and Jane

consummate
their marriage.

You know what?
I forgot my keys.

So, I'll just be
looking around for them.

You go right ahead.
Don't let me bother you.

Okay. Here you go.

All right, the scene is
Tarzan and Jane's
wedding night, okay?

I have the first line.

Tarzan,

are you as
hot to trot as I am?

You bet.

Tarzan wait long time for
big night with Jane.

Well, then take me,
you wild jungle beast.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's say, Jane's a nun,
taken a vow of chastity.

Every time Tarzan goes
to kiss her, she belts him
right in his pretty boy nose.

Frank?

Will you come with me,
right now,
for a minute, please?

Let go of his hair!
Let go... Frank!

What is going on
with you?

You're acting like
an absolute jerk out there.

I don't want you in there
kissing that jungle gigolo.

Don't be ridiculous.
It's a sketch.

Besides, somebody's got
to play Tarzan and
you didn't want to.

Well, I changed my mind.
I'm playing Tarzan
and that's final.

Come on.

Okay, everybody,
here's the deal.

Me, Tarzan. Her, Jane.

You, history.
Any problems with that?

No problem here.

Carol, you got a problem
with Frank playing Tarzan?

No, no problems at all.

You're such an idiot.

- You tricked me.
- Yeah, and it was so easy.

All I had to do is
put on the costume,

pretended to flirt with Troy
and reel you in
like a big old fish.

Hey, no hard feelings,
Frank?

No, no hard feelings.
I guess I had it coming.

-Well, I hope you're happy.
-Yes, Jane very happy.

Now she gets to play
kissy face
with the real Tarzan.

Six ball, corner pocket.

Yep, how about that, Big Jim?

Five shots in a row.

Yeah, you may
never get a chance to shoot.

Seven ball, side pocket.

Yes!

If I sink the eight ball,
I win.

Calm down, punk.

There's no way
you're gonna
beat me for 1,000 bucks.

What? $1,000?

I'm playing this game
for $1,000?

That's right. You just missed,
so now it's my turn.

Can I have a word with you
for a second there, J.T.?

Come here.

Did I hear that right?

Did you bet
1,000 bucks on your
little brother's game?

Yeah, and I don't have it.
So you better win.

Win? With $1,000 on the line,

I'm trying not to
wet my pants.

J.T., if I may.

I was just, you know,
reviewing the situation,

what with the, you know,
what's going on

and I think we made a very
serious error in judgment.

See ya!

Man.

Hey, Milquetoast, you're up.

All right,
now listen here, Mark,

just try and forget
about the bet.

Concentrate on the game
and what made it fun for you
in the first place, okay?

You mean geometry and physics?

Totally.
Just think, triangles.

It's all triangles.

No way, he's going to sink
that eight ball.

He'd have to use like three
or four cushions to do it.

Let's see.
A 45 degree angle.

Initial speed,
20 miles per hour.

Vector factor of six.

Okay, eight ball,
corner pocket.

In your dreams, Casper.

Yeah.

News flash, Big Jim.

Casper just kicked your butt.

Yep, 1,000 bucks.

All right.

I'm rich! I'm rich!

You mean,
Mark's rich.

Here, dudesie. Put that
in your college fund, bro.

Wait a minute.
I'm his manager.
I should get something.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, here's a buck.
See if you can manage
to take the bus home.

Hey, Karen, um,
I'm going to go
take a shower.

Would you please
keep an eye on Mister Chips?

No problem.

Come on, Bobby,

you can't just
call me up every night

just to tell me how beautiful
my eyes are.

Tonight, let's talk
about my hair.

I know.

Carol, that feels so nice.

Hello.

Which one of my genius
children brought you home?

Mister Chips, Mister Chips.

Looking for your monkey?

Dad. I...
I can explain this.

This is gonna be real good.

See, Mister Chips
is the mascot at the
cookie store I work at.

The manager wanted me
to bring him home.

Well, why didn't you say "no?"

Well, because I really want
to keep this job, you know,

and I was trying to do
what you told me
and be a team player.

Did I screw up again?

No, pal. You didn't.
Not if this is what it took
to keep your job.

I understand.

Thanks for not
getting mad at me, Dad.

That's okay.

Jane upstairs
ready to rehearse with Tarzan.

Could I, borrow
your friend for a minute?

- Sure.
- Hey, pal,

come on, hitch a ride.

Tarzan got
big surprise for Jane.

I'll see your $2

and I'll raise you $2.

Your move, bro.

I see.

Mr. Big Shot-I-own-my-own-
cookie-franchise decides to
bet the whole enchilada?

Well, I've got news
for you, pal.

You put your pants on
one leg at a time,
just like the rest of us.

I'm with ya.

Okay, what do you got?

A full house?

Hey, you are one cagey
little poker player.

No wonder you've got
a better job than I do.

Hey, gimme five.

All right.

The monkey slide.