Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 6 - Don't Ask - full transcript

-Hey, dudes.
-Hey, Cody.

Hey, did you guys get
any deliveries for me today?

No, why?
You expecting something?

Yeah, buddy.
Dude, today's the day I get

my Kalashnikov Ham Radio
from Russia.

You ordered something
from Russia?

-Can you do that?
-Totally.

Dude, ever since
they threw out the Commies

they're having like this
big, giant Eastern bloc

clearance sale over there.

Lost our nation,
everything must go.



Dude, check out this catalog.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Those pinkos really know
how to move the merchandise.

Yeah, buddy.

Dude, that's it.

My Kalashnikov Ham Radio
is here.

Thank you very much.

-All right.
-Delivery for a Cody Lambert.

-That's me, dude. Cool.
-Sign here.

Listen, buddy, I gotta
tell you somethin'.

I've been in this business
for 15 years

and this is the strangest
delivery I've ever made.

What? You've never delivered
a ham radio before?

No, I've delivered
a lot of those.



Just that I've never delivered
one of these before.

Hello! You must be Cody.

Yeah, I'm Cody.

-Who are you?
-I'm what you ordered.

I'm your mail-order bride.

Hey-hey, now hold the phoneski
here, guys.

There's gotta be
some kind of shipping

and handling error, right?
I mean...

I ordered
a Kalashnikov Ham Radio.

I see what happened.

When you ordered
your Kalashnikov,

you wrote down
Kalashnikova instead.

That's me,
Ludmilla Kalashnikova.

One-hundred-percent virgin
mail order bride.

Come to me, honeybunch.
Let me hold you to my bosoms.

Download MyTotal.TV to watch your favorite TV
www.mytotal.tv THE BEST TV APP

'Cause you're
putting it together

Mom, can you make me
a tuna sandwich?

Mark, can't you make it
yourself?

-I'm busy.
-Busy...

Guys, I need you to screen
my calls today.

Now, listen, okay.

I'm here if it's
Bobby, Kerry, Jenny

Diane or Steve S.

Now, I'm not here
if it's Billy, Jackie, Larry

Joel or Steve P.

Now, if Steve W. calls,
ask me and I'll decide then.

Karen! We don't have time
for this.

I haven't had time
to go to the bathroom

since 8:00 this morning.

We have a cordless phone.
Take it with you.

-Has anybody seen my socks?
-We're a little
busy here, son.

Yeah, they don't have
time for that.

Now, listen, I need you guys
to tape Nightlinefor me
tonight, okay?

Dana, can't you
do this yourself?

All right!

Hey!

Now, that's enough!

Everybody, we're having
a family meeting right now.

God, another
Brady Bunch moment.

Sit down, blondie.

God, what crawled up
their shorts?

Who knows? They're old.
It could be anything.

Karen! Come on down.

All right, you guys.

Now, we have something
that we think

it's important
to discuss with you.

No, you're not having
another kid, are you?

No, as a matter of fact,
we're thinking of getting rid

of a couple we already have.

Karen!

Is it Steve S.?

Karen, it is not
Steve S., Steve P.,

Steve W. or Steve anybody.

Now, just sit down.
We're having a family meeting.

Okay. Hurry,
I'm expecting a call.

It has come to our attention
that the six of you

are either selfish, lazy,
or brain-dead.

And Frank and I are tired
of doing things

that the six of you
are perfectly capable

of doing for yourselves.

Like what?

Mark, what is your IQ?

One hundred and eighty-seven.

Technically, I'm a genius.

Do you think there is
any chance, Mr. Genius,

that you could make yourself
a stinking tuna sandwich?

-I guess so.
-Then do it!

Man, she busted you!

Now, now, now, J.T., J.T.

Now, how old are you, son?

I don't know. Nineteen?

That's right, you're 19.

That means you can vote
for the President.

You can serve
in the Armed Forces.

You can sign a binding contract.

You think you can find
your own socks?

So what are you saying?

You're not gonna
help us anymore?

No, what we are saying
is that we are your parents.

We are not your
answering service,
your short order cooks,

your maid or your finder
of lost socks!

That's right, so from now on,
don't bug us unless

one of three things
is happening.

Number one, you're bleeding.

Number two, you're in jail,

or number three, you wanna
leave this house forever

and you need a ride to the bus.

-Can I ask a question?
-Are you bleeding?

-No.
-Well, then, we're outta here.

So, what do you think, Dana?

I think I just walked
onto the set of Hee Haw.

The guys are helping me
make a demo tape.

Karen, no offense to you
and the Beverly Hillbillies

but I just...
I don't get country music.

I mean, I don't know
why you'd wanna sing about

pick-up trucks
and the cheatin' hearts

and your poor old
dead dog and...

Because it is fun.

And the guys are gonna help me
become a big country star.

Then I'll have
my own fan club,
my own tour bus,

and a stormy marriage
that inspires

an ABC "Movie Of The Week."

Karen, what exactly makes
you think that

you're gonna be
the queen of country music?

Well, I read an ad
in the paper that said

a big record producer
has come to Port Washington

to find new
country singing talent.

Big record producers only come
to Port Washington

when their planes crash here.

You don't think
I can make it, do you?

Not by answering an ad
in the Port Washington Bugle.

Fine. Be that way.

If you keep up that attitude,
I'll get Shannen Doherty

to play you in the movie.

No, look, comrade, dude...

I ordered a ham radio,
but you sent me
a woman instead.

No.

A woman. You know,
a chick, a babe.

A broadski.

No, not a jet ski, a broadski!

Hello? Hello?

Dude, that's the last time
I do business with

the former Soviet Union. Ha!

Cody, you gotta talk to
this woman. Where is she?

She asked me for my credit card.

She turns around and runs
right down to the mall.

Cody!

Do you know
you only have $2000 limit
on your credit card?

Man, even communist chicks
know how to spend.

Cody,
my little pickled herring.

We luck out like
Yeltsin's bartender.

Bride magazine has special
fold-out section

on most romantic honeymoons.

You like Poconos?

Okay. No. No, no...

Listen. Come here.
sit down for a second.

Okay.

There's not gonna be
any wedding.

Okay?

Now, hold the phone, homeboy.

Ludmilla good girl.

You're not going to
get the milk

unless you buy the cow.

Now, wait,
hold on, hold on a second.

I'm not talking about that.

Okay.

What I mean is that, like,
I just don't think

we should get married,
you know?

I mean... Hey, people
should get married
'cause they're in love.

Not because of some shipping
and handling error.

You know, I was thinking
maybe it'd be better

if you kinda just like,
went on back to Russia.

You know?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's a big nyet
to that.

I'm in America and
I'm not going back to country

that has toilet paper
that feels like Brillo pad.

Okay, so there's
some drawbacks
to living in Russia.

But, hey,
look at the bright side.

You guys got a killer
hockey team.

Come on.

Listen, buster,
there's no turning back now.

You send for me, I come,
we get married.

Now, Ludmilla going to van
to try on skimpy camisole

for wedding night.

No peeking.

Important to keep mystery
in marriage.

Dude.

-Brendan. Great news.
-Hey, Jeremy.

My dad got a bunch of tickets
to the Packers game tomorrow

and he's gonna take
the whole soccer team.

Wow! That sounds cool.

Yeah, all you gotta do
is get your dad

to sign this permission slip
I got here.

I don't know
if I wanna bug my dad.

He's kind of been
a butthead lately.

Well, you gotta get your dad
to sign that slip

if you wanna go to the game.

Okay, I'll try. I just hope
he doesn't go mental on me.

Hey, Dad.

-What? What is it?
-Can I talk to you
for a second?

I'm a little busy here, son.

-Hey, Dad!
-What?

I need 20 bucks.

Hey, Uncle Frank, dude.

I got a problem, okay?

There's like this big
Russian lady
living in my van--

Cody, you have all got
to solve these problems
yourselves.

Now, go away. Go on.

-Dad?
-What?

-Nothing.
-Thank you.

I'd like to thank
the Academy of Country Music

for giving me this award.

And I'd like to send my love
out to my husband, Buddy,

at the Betty Ford Center.

Yippee-ki-ay,
it's the Rhinestone Cowgirl.

You know, Dana,
you can joke all you want.

But I took my tape down
to that record producer
and he loved it.

In fact, he's sending out demos

to all the major
record companies.

All it cost me was $500.

Karen, you gave $500 to some
sleazy record producer?

He is not sleazy!

He had a very nice hotel room
by the airport.

You gave your life savings
to a guy you don't even know?

Yeah. I hate to say this
but you got majorly ripped off.

You guys just
do not believe that

I have the talent to make it.

No, it's just that you can't
go around handing money

to the first stranger--

Yeah, yeah, okay,
I know, I know.

It's a million-to-one shot
for anybody to make it.

But this producer thinks
that I'm great, okay?

And if you don't believe me,
I'll get him on the phone

and you can ask him yourself.

Marty Green's room please.

That's impossible.
He can't have checked out.

He was supposed to be here
all week.

Well, did he leave a message
for Karen Foster?

Well, do you have a number
where I can reach him?

Yeah, I see.

Thanks, bye.

Look, Karen...
I'm really sorry.

Just leave me alone.

I'm living with pigs.

- Hey, Frank.
- Hey, Bill.

What's goin' on here?

I'm taking the team
to a Packers game today.

Well, Brendan never
mentioned it to us.

Um, he can't go.

He's... He's busy today.

We gotta get some equipment
from his room
for practice tomorrow.

Sure, go on.
Come on in, Bill.

Thanks.

Boy, that's really weird.

Brendan should've mentioned
the game to us.

He loves the Packers.

Yeah, it sounded weird to me
too, but you know kids.

They got a million things
goin' on. Who can keep up?

Okay, we got the soccer balls.
Bye, Mr. Lambert.

Yeah, hold on there,
boys.

I think
you may have just killed
one of your soccer balls.

Excuse me, son.

-Hello!
-Hi, Dad.

I know you're really busy, so
why don't I just go upstairs?

Yeah, why don't you
just stay right here?

Okay, come on, guys.
Let's go on outside

and let, Brendan here
talk with his dad.

Thanks.

Come on.

Sit down.

So, you, wanna tell me
what's goin' on?

Well, I wanted to
go to the game

but I needed you to sign
the permission slip.

Well, why didn't you ask me?

I tried to but you were really
busy and we had that meeting

about how I'm not supposed to
bug you and stuff.

Well, son, I think I owe you
an apology about that.

Carol and I want you guys
to find your own socks,

make your own sandwiches,
but when it comes
to important stuff,

you gotta know
you can come to us.

Well, how do I know
what stuff's important?

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you...
If you don't know for sure

then you come and ask us
and we'll tell you?

We're your parents, son.
I mean that's what
we're here for.

In the meantime,
I think you should go enjoy

your Packers game?
Go on, take off.

Hey, Dad, can I have some money
for a hot dog?

I saw five dollars
down here. Hang on.

Yeah, here. Here's five
dollars and here's your hat.

And! ha! By golly,
there's your retainer.

Have a good time. Yeah.

Cody, man, you've gotta
think of something.

There's no way you can marry
this Russian woman.

Yeah. Okay, I got it.

I'll tell Ludmilla
I can't marry her because

I'm gonna become a priest.

It's not gonna work.
She's gonna find out
your lying.

Well, not if I really
become a priest.

Cody, I have wonderful news
for you!

Hey, hey! You're gonna give me
back my credit card?

Even better.

I was down at the Golden Arches

when I saw
the man of my dreams.

Ronald McDonald?

No, Sergei. What a hunk!

A combination Dolph Lundgren
and Bob Saget.

Hey, Ludmilla, is this
your way of giving me
the old heave-ho?

Totally!

Sergei is naturalized citizen.
He's making me real American.

You're off the hook, big guy.

Ludmilla, dudesy,
congratulations.

All right!

I'd love to stay and chat
but Sergei is waiting outside

in a new Lexus Coupe.

With gold package
and premium sound system.

-Goodbye, Codeman.
-Goodbye.

Now you know
how we stay warm all winter.

Eat your heart out, baby.

-All right! Well done!
-Dude, thanks.

I am no longer under
Russian domination.

Yup.

Karen!

Karen!

What are you doing?

Well, I'm too young
to get drunk, so,

thought I'd just get fat.

Well, I have got
a little something

that I think is going
to cheer you up.

What?

Well, I know how much
you like country music.

So, I made a little request
for you. Come on.

Come on.

You know, a little while ago, somebody dropped off

a tape of a local gal singing a Patty Loveless tune.

The artist's name
is Karen Foster

and I think this little lady
is goin' places.

That's my song.
How'd they get that?

I took it down there.

You did? Why?

Well, I know I made fun of you,

you know, about the whole
country music thing.

But I listened
to your demo and...

You're really talented.
I think you're really good.

Really?

Well, yeah! I mean,
just listen to yourself.