Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 24 - Men at Work - full transcript

Thanks so much
for taking me to dinner.
What a great date this was.

Well, the date ain't over yet.

- It is so nice
to be alone.-

Hey, Frank, you busy?

Flash, I'm kissing my wife.

I'm sorry. Hi, Carol.

Um, Frank, I need
to tell you something,

but I can wait.
You guys take your time.

Frank, he's standing right here.

Well, might be interesting
to have somebody watch.

-Frank!
-Okay, okay. C'mon, honey.



Wow, great kitchen.

You know, you can just feel
the love in the room.

The warmth of family gatherings,

the pots boiling on the stove,
the smell of apple pie
wafting through the air.

God, I love apple pie.

You ever have it with
vanilla ice cream and
just a little bit of--

-Flash!
-Yeah, Frank?

You, you wanted
to tell me something?

I just wanted to let you know
I might be a little late
for work tomorrow.

You see, they're
fumigating my apartment,

so I'm staying with my Aunt.
She doesn't live here
in the neighborhood.

-So where does she live?
-Kansas City.

You're going to commute from
Wisconsin to Kansas City?

Well, it's only
eight hours each way.



I figure if I leave
work at five,

I'll get there about 1:00 a.m.,

and turn around and
be at work by 9:00.

When are you going to sleep?

Luckily, I drink a lot of coffee
and I only need ten minutes
of sleep a night.

But it's gotta be
a full ten minutes.

If I get only seven or eight,
I'm really grouchy.

Okay, I'm hittin' the road.

Thank God.

- Flash. Flash...
- Yeah?

I am just not sure that

you should be out
there driving... Ever.

So...

So why don't you
just stay with us?

Carol, are you serious?

Carol, are you serious?

Yeah.

Carol, you're great.

You're the most generous
human being I've ever met.

I'll just get my stuff out of
the truck and be back.

Are you nuts, honey?

Inviting him to stay here?
He's like the Tasmanian Devil.

He's gonna be rolling around
and leaving his stuff
all over the place.

Well, how much stuff
can he have? I mean,
a sleeping bag, a suitcase...

Bagpipes.

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I don't get it, man.
We're two cool guys.

How come we can't
get any chicks?

They must be
intimidated by our...

Intelligence and
studly like nature.

Well done, sisters.
I think we made our point.

Well, hello, ladies.

Forget it, Rich.
Those aren't ladies.

It's Barky and
her man hater friends.

Joy, Beavis
and Butt scratch.

What's going on, Barky?

Another meeting of the "Future
Gym Teachers of America?"

For your information, we've just
come from a political rally

protesting the sexist hiring
practices at Yabbos.

-Yeah.
-Yeah!

Jeez, it's a burger joint.
What's so sexist about Yabbos?

Everything. They hire these
big breasted women

and then they force them
to wear these tight little
T-shirts and hot pants.

That's why I love that place.

Yeah, me, too, man.

All right, all right,
save it, ladies.

We've got bigger
boobs to battle.

Come on, let's get some lunch
and plan tomorrow's protest.

You know, ladies...

If this little protest
thing doesn't work out,

perhaps you'd like to...

Come on back here,
strap on your go go boots
and dance for us?

You are the slimiest, low life
vermin on the face of the earth.

Yep, she wants me.

Honey, honey,
I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news.

The Beer Gulch Tavern
is going out of business.

Well, that is good news.
That place is a pit.

No, that's bad news, honey.

The good news is that the bank
foreclosed on it and everything

they couldn't sell,
I picked up for fifty bucks.

God.

Yeah, honey,
I got neon signs.

I got beer taps. I even got one
of those red leather booths,

and to top it all off,

I got "Herbie" the
talking moose head.

I'm going to turn the whole
basement into a men's clubhouse.

Why do we need
a "men's clubhouse?"

Carol, the men in this
family need someplace
to call their own.

Someplace we can
watch TV, and burp,

and scratch without one of you
girls going
"That's so gross."

Hey, Carol, check out what
Herbie can do.

That is so gross.

Yes, hi, is this
"Victoria's Secret?"

Yeah, this is,
Steve Spielberg
out in Hollywood.

Yeah, listen,
I'm doing a project

that I think one of your
models would be perfect for.

Could I have the phone
number of the young lady

in the black lace teddy
on page 18?

Okay, well, how about
the chick on page ten?

Hello? Hello?

Man! What kind of
customer service is that?

You guys are pathetic.

Yeah, why don't you
just forget about women
and date each other?

Agggh! I am so aggravated.

I would give anything
to expose Yabbos.

You know, Dana, Rich
and I were just thinking
the same thing.

Somebody tipped off
the manager about our protest,

so they changed
their hiring practices.

I thought that was what
you wanted them to do.

Not exactly. I wanted them
to stop forcing their waitresses
to skip around in hot pants.

But their idea
of not being sexist

is hiring men and forcing
them to skip around
in hot pants, too.

So, wait a minute.

There are guys walking around
in shorts serving burgers?

Yeah, doesn't that
make you sick?

Actually, it makes
me kind of hungry.

What about you, Karen?

Starving. Let's go.

Am I alone in the struggle
against sexism?

Barky, you're alone
in everything.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Probably not,
she's my stepsister.

No, this is the perfect
opportunity for us
to meet women.

-What are you talking about?
-I'm talking about we
go down to Yabbos

and we apply for
jobs as waiters.

Then we're working
with the waitresses
in the tight T-shirts.

They're working with us.

Soon, we become colleagues,
then friends, then compadres.
Before you know it...

Yabbos!

Yabbos! Yabbos! Yabbos!

Be careful. Okay.

-All right, now you keep
your eyes closed, okay?
-Okay.

Now, one more and you're
on the landing...

-There you go.
-Okay.

Now three down, down.
Here we go. One two
and you're on the floor.

-Keep 'em closed. You're all
right. Okay, here we go now.
-Okay.

Open 'em up.

What do you think?

It's a dump.

That's the look I was going for.

Hey, Mom, is this place great,
or what?

I think I'm getting
hair on my chest already.

Mark, you do not spit
peanut shells on the floor.
That is disgusting.

Now, Carol, Carol,
honey, it's okay.

This is a guy place now.

We don't pick up
after ourselves. We just
throw everything on the floor

and when it gets too deep,
we just shovel it out.

Yeah, well, it looks
like a chicken coop.
I'm going to go get the vacuum.

No, Carol, Carol, honey, you are
missing the point here.

This is not a prissy
place like upstairs.

Yeah, well, it smells
like an armpit.

That's what's manly about it.

Carol, I want to introduce
you to Ol' Rolling Thunder.

Frank...

Not that.

This. The mechanical bull.

Ol' Thunder and I, we share
a lot of memories together.

Don't we, buddy?

I want to say this in
the nicest possible way.

You're an idiot.

No, really, I once stayed
on Rolling Thunder
two hours straight.

Worst case of chappies
I ever had, but it was worth it.

Wasn't it, buddy?

Really. Really, you're an idiot.

Come on, I want to show
you how it works.
Here. Here you go, watch.

Nellie! Ride 'em, cowboy!

Boy, that makes you want
to jump in the saddle and
tame the wild beast, doesn't it?

Not even slightly.

Well, I don't blame ya'.
Not many women are tough
enough to ride Ol' Thunder.

Yeah? Well, you try
16 hours of labor,
then talk to me about tough.

Afternoon, ladies.
Hey, Ronny, looking good.

Give it a rest, Mr. Packwood.

Okay, we got a couple
of new guys working
the lunch shift.

I want you to give them
a big, friendly welcome.

JT, Rich, come on out here.

Man, this is gonna be
the greatest job
in the whole world.

Man, I would pay them
to work here.

You guys look terrific.
You're gonna be a big hit
with the lady customers.

Okay, it's time to open.
Man your battle stations.

This is your first day, right?

Yep.

Word to the wise. The women
who come in here
are just like the men.

They like to squeeze the buns,
and I don't mean the ones
on the hamburgers.

Hi, welcome to Yabbos. I'm JT.
I'll be serving you today.

Well, hello there.

You see, ladies,
I told you the "view"
would be nice here today.

I'll get you menus.

So, ladies, could I interest
you in today's specials?

What do you have
that's really hot?

Well, we have the Cajun
chicken, which I hear
is pretty darn good.

Why don't you pick
something for me?

You look like the kind
of guy who knows how
to take care of a woman.

In fact... Why don't you
just take care of all of us?

JT!

What is with these women?
Everything is, like, a come-on.

Tell me about it, man.
It's like they're undressing
me with their eyes.

Yeah, and we're not wearing
that much to begin with.

Young man,
we really need you.

God. Listen, man.
If I'm not back in two minutes,

grab a fire extinguisher
and hose these
old broads down, all right?

Hello?

Men of the house?

Anybody down here?

Good.

"Men's Clubhouse" my foot.

This place is a pigsty.

Jeez.

Not tough enough?

I'll show them.

Yeah...

Okay.

Yee ha!

This is silly. Gosh.

No. Frank! Frank!

-Frank! Get me down!
-Honey, I knew you'd
like Ol' Thunder.

Frank! Get me down, Frank!
Stop this thing!

-Okay, okay.
I'll just turn it off.
-Stop this thing!

Stop-- Frank! Frank, Frank!

Stop this thing!

Stop this thing!

Help! Somebody, help!

Stop this thing! Frank!

Hey, guys. What's going on?

What does it
look like, you idiot?

Sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.

I'll guard the door and make
sure the kids don't come down.

No, no, no, no, no!
Unplug that-- Unplug that plug!

You know, that's what
I love about you two guys.
You do everything together.

Does anybody want dessert?

No, we're
watching our figures.

Almost as much
as we're watching yours.

Stop it, Adele,
you're embarrassing him.

His cheeks are turning red.

You're right.

I'll just get your check.

I can't believe these women.
They're like total sex fiends.

Tell me about it. I feel like
a piece of meat out here.

Hey, you guys should
be glad it's just talk.

Wait until they start putting
their hands all over you.

That's disgusting.
This place stinks.

Yeah, I'm this close
to quitting, but I really
need the money.

JT, could you come over here?

Don't these women have jobs?

I seem to have dropped my spoon.

Could y'all pick
it up for me, please?

Sure.

Aah! Hey!

Knock it off, lady.

What is your problem?

I'm sorry. You must
be feeling left out.

Aagh! Hey, hey!

Look, I don't need some woman
putting her paws all over me.

My God, I can't
believe I just said that.

Here's your check.
Why don't you ladies pay
it and get out of here?

Hey, hands off, creep!

What? I just gave you
a friendly little pat.

Hey, pal, what's your problem?
You heard the lady. Hands off.

Hey, what do you think
you're doing?

This jerk had his hands
all over Ronny.

So? He paid his money.
He has the right to
"admire" the help.

No, he doesn't. We're waiters.

We're here to bring people food,

not to be their
personal play toys.

Hey, I was just
having a little fun.

A little fun?

Sure, it was
fun for you, but I guarantee
it wasn't fun for her.

It wasn't fun for me when
the grope sister was pinching
my butt over there...

Come on,
you know you liked it.

No, I didn't. You know what?
I hated it.

I never thought about
this stuff before,

but after working
here I can tell you one thing,

nobody should have
to take this crap.

Yeah man, this place is nuts.

Hey guys, it sounds
like you might not
be cut out for this job.

You got that right, pal.
'Cause I quit.

Me too!

Hey, wait up, guys...

I quit, too. There's got to
be another way to make a living.

JT!

Now that you're not working,

are you free this afternoon?

Get a life.

You know, I actually feel pretty
good about what we did today.

Well, see, that's the thing
about you and me, Rich.

We got standards.

Hey, I heard about what
happened down at Yabbos.

I am so proud of you guys.

You may not believe it,
but we're pretty proud
of ourselves, too.

Good, then I'm sure you'll
be glad to sign our petition
to shut down "Dirty Harry's."

The mud wrestling place?
Why would you want
to close that down?

Because it's sexist.

It is?

JT, come on. Women in bikinis
rolling around in mud

while men hoot
and throw money at them?

I guess it's
a little bit sexist.

Guys, be honest.

How would you feel
if that was you up there

wrestling around
in the mud while

a bunch of women were oinking
at you like you were a pig?

What night does that happen?

Please, admit it.
It would be degrading.

Okay, it would
be a little degrading.

Good, good.

Then sign our petition
and let's shut this
mud wrestling joint down.

This is great. We're gonna
have this place shut down
by tomorrow night.

Come on, ladies, to the mall,
we need more signatures.

Yes.

Call me.

I can't believe we just signed
a petition to shut down

the mud wrestling place.

I hate being a sensitive guy.

You know, um...

Even if they get all those
signatures, they're not gonna
close the place until tomorrow

and, tonight
iscreamed corn night.

We're there.

Get along little dogie.