Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 1 - Crazy Love - full transcript

Hey, Barky.

How you doing?
You feeling okay?

Your nose is cold.
That's a good sign.

Hey, check it out.

I just met
the perfect guy for you.

His name is Rex.
He's a Rottweiler.

Yeah, he fetches, he rolls over,
he's completely housebroken.

More than I can say for you.

Nice shot, Barky.
I love woofing around with you.

I gotta get
something to eat.

-Why not?
-'Cause Mom and Frank
are still playing Monopoly



with her new business partner.

You mean the crazy
French hairdresser guy?

Dad must be going
out of his mind.

And now, François,
it is your turn.

But before
you roll the dice,

you must ask yourself
this question,

Or as you might say,

"Geez, do I feel lucky?"

Because I,
Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

happen to own every hotel
on the board.

And this roll, my friend,
could be your last.

Well, I'll tell you what,
Jean-Luc,

we have played Monopoly
every night this week,

so if this
isn't my last roll,



I'm gonna shoot myself
in the head with this
little cannon.

A five.

You land on Boardwalk,

and with this cinq,
you are sunk.

I am the winner.
Give me all of your money.

And you, too,
Pippi Longstocking.

I will shower
in your money.

-I'm the winner!
-Yes, you are.

You are the winner,
Jean-Luc.

And that makes Carol and I
just a couple of losers,

and I don't blame ya
for wanting to get rid of us.

No, I don't want to.
I want to come back and play.

No, no, Jean-Luc, game's over.
Gotta wrap it up for the night.

So what's going on in there?

I think Dad's about
to go postal on him.

Maybe just a little bit--

I've had jock itch
that was easier to
get rid of than him.

Yes, yes, I found it.
The last ice cream sandwich.

That's Daddy's ice cream, J.T.

If you eat it,
he'll be mad.

Not if he doesn't find out.

And Lilly wouldn't tell on
her best big brother now,
would she?

That depends.

All right, here's a buck.

Thanks, sucker.

All right, people,
gonna need this kitchen

-and I want some privacy.
-What for, Barky?

We've seen you take
a flea bath before.

I have signed up to be
a college tutor,

and my first student
is coming here this afternoon.

Great.
Just what we need.

Another dimwit.

Not everybody who needs
a tutor is a dimwit.

Even Einstein
had trouble in school.

Ha-ha.
You never know, I could be
tutoring the next Einstein.

Hi, I'm here to be tutored.

Hey,
I like your new student.
Nice shades, bro.

Let's see 'em.

- Boing, boing,
boing, boing, boing.
- Hey.

-Whoo!
-Boing!

Dana, you know
that whole Einstein thing?

Nope, I'm not seeing it.

I cannot believe
I am stuck with you.

Isn't she cute?

All right, look, Dane.

We'll make this as painless
as possible, okay?

Why don't you write me
a paper on Shakespeare,

make it about a B-minus,
around there,

and I'll be outside
shooting hoops?

Look, you diluted
little Smurf.

This is not Homework-R-Us.

Now sit down
and get writing.

Dana.

I love it
when you're rough with me.

This mean if I get a bad grade
you'll spank me?

I'd rather chew off
my own foot.

So, Dana's gonna be
your new tutor?

Good luck.

Frank, this is so romantic.

I'm so glad we decided
to get away for the weekend.

Me, too,
and it's just the two of us.

No Jean-Luc.

And other than
this very expensive
bottle of champagne

that I bought for us,

there ain't a French thing
within 100 miles.

So...

here's to our
romantic weekend...

alone.

Happy to see you.
Bonjour.

Jean-Luc,
what are you doing here?

Well, it's an emergency.

When I heard that
you were coming to a spa,

I thought to myself,
"La, la, the chlorine
in the hot tub

is going to strip their hair
of five essential 'emuliants.'"

That's why I develop

Jean-Luc's Emergency
Hair Care 9-1-1,

when beauty is a matter
of life and death.

I brought some today
to share with my friends.

It's very easy to use.

You just put it on
the trouble spots,

let it seep into
the follicle,

wait, and then rinse.

Also, for you, François,

I brought
Monsieur Gray-away.

How you use it,

you put it liberally
on the head,

and you just run it
through with your fingers,

you can spike it
a little if you want,

and then just get on
with your active lifestyle.

I don't have
an active lifestyle.

I've got you.

La, la, is that champagne?
I love champagne.

Even cheap champagne
like this one.

Don't go away.

I'm going to go swimming
for a glass.

Honey, you think anybody
would notice if I drowned him?

I mean, it's not like
he's an American.

I know, I know
we've gotta talk to him,

but let me handle it, okay?

Because he's just going
through this nasty divorce,

and he's real
vulnerable right now.

And voila.

Mes amis,

I am so super pumped
about the weekend together.

We can get a scrub
with the salt.

We can get a wrap
with the seaweed.

And to top it off, we can all
get the deep tissue massage.

Sort of a massage à trois.

Funny, funny things...

Jean-Luc.

You-you see,
the thing is...

I mean, what I am
trying to say to you is...

Buzz off.

-Buzz off?
-What Frank means is...

Jean-Luc, Frank and I
need some privacy.

I hope you understand.

I understand.

I am not hurt.

I am not stabbed
through the heart.

No, people who have
someone that loves them

and-and cares about them,

they need--
they need time alone.

So, au revoir, mes amis.

I'm out of here
like poo-poo through a goose.

All right, time's up.

Hand it over.

"Nachos rule"?

Well, we have been
working a long time

and I am kinda hungry.

if you weren't undressing me
with your eyes all the time.

You wish!

Yeah.

I have better things
to do with my time

than to fantasize about
"Frosty the Ice Queen."

You're nothing but a drooling,
illiterate imbecile.

Hey, it's better than being

a stuck-up, man-hating
know-it-all.

Yeah?

Here's an idea.

and hop a train back
to Munchkinland?

Yeah?
Well, I got a better idea.

Yeah, that's pretty good
for somebody who has the IQ
of a potato.

Better than having
the sex appeal of a potato.

-You make me sick.
-You make me sicker.

-I hate you.
-Are you as hot as I am?

Hotter.

My God,
I lost my mind.

Me, too.
It was, a big mistake.

So, you wanna go out?

Get real, okay?

We had one little moment
of demented passion.

That doesn't mean
that I'm gonna go out
on an actual date with you.

Why not?

Because you are
a mentally challenged,

uncultured fool.

Well, you're not exactly
my dream babe either, right?

I mean, you never smile,
you think all men are scum.

It's like you're some sort
of feminist Nazi.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You ever have a Nazi
kiss you like this?

I'll, take that
as a yes for our date.

All right.

But no one
must know about this.

Not your friends.

Not your minister.

Not even God herself.

Yeah, I should've gotten
a tutor a long time ago.

My God, I think Barky
tutored him to death.

Yeah, she,
certainly tutored
my brains out.

Rich, you wanna go bowling
with us tonight?

Tonight?

Tonight,
I-I-I can't tonight.

I already made plans to...

to do my homework.

Hold the phone.

Rich Halke doing homework
on a Saturday night?

It's the new me.

You got a woman,
don't ya?

Woman?

No, no, no woman.

No woman.
Why-why-why would you say that?

Come on, man,
quit holding out on us.

Does this chick have a sister
you can hook me up with?

You have no idea
how sick that is.

A bunch of perverts.

-More wine, honey?
-Sure.

What's the matter, Carol?

I'm just afraid that
we've hurt Jean-Luc's feelings.

He's so sensitive.

Come on.

I mean,
he's a good-looking man.

And you know how women
love those Frenchies.

And I'll bet you right now
he's up to his beret in babes.

Mr. and Mrs. Lambert.

I'm surprised to see you
dining here this evening.

It was either come here
or stay in our room

and have a couple of beers
and a bag of nuts for 50 bucks.

No, no, I just thought
that you would be

with your gorgeous
French friend tonight.

a special moonlight picnic
in the woods

just for the three of you.

A moonlight picnic?

Well, yeah,
it's his birthday.

It's his birthday?

Yeah, I mean,
he told me the only thing

between him
and the yawning abyss
of madness

is your friendship.

Boy.

So, I'll have
a T-bone steak.

Hello.
Hello, my little striped friend.

So, I am not completely alone
in the world.

You come to
my birthday party.

I'm going to share
my chocolate soufflé with you.

Because you are now
my only friend in
the whole world.

Jean-Luc, are you out there?

Good night, good night.
Thank you so much for
carrying that--

Hey, Jean-Luc!

Watch out for
the skunk poop.

Jean-Luc, we've been
looking all over for you.

Well, I'm sorry.
You just missed my grand picnic.

I'm just now cleaning up

after my many,
many, many guests

who, as you can see,
left me with this

care-free jumble
of cutlery and plates.

Jean-Luc.

Now, why didn't you tell us
it was your birthday?

Well, I was wanting to
tell you in the hot tub,

but, a certain someone
tell me to "buzz off."

O-Okay, listen.
I'm sorry.

That was out of line
and I shouldn't have said it.

But Carol and I
need some time alone.

Look...

I know that I've been
a grand pain in
the derriere.

-No, you haven't.
-No, Carol, Carol, Carol.

I've been clinging to you
like a pair of jockey shorts

on a hot, humid day.

It's...it's just that
when I'm not with you,

I have to think
about the divorce.

And, when I'm with you,
then I feel so good.

Jean-Luc, I know you're
going through a tough time,

but, you know,
you just have to get out
in the world and meet people.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

there is a waitress
back in the cafe,

-and I think she's got
the hots for you.
-Yes.

Not the one with the skin
like crème brûlée

and the buttocks like
brioche.

That's the one.

Hello.

Come on.

Why don't the three of us
go back to the restaurant,

And then Carol and I
will slip off to our room,

and you and Miss Crème Brûlée

can figure out dessert
on your own.

Happy birthday, Jean-Luc.

Merci,
Carol, merci,Carol.

- Yes.
- Happy birthday, Jean-Luc.

Frank,
you really are mon amie.

You're not gonna hug me,
are you?

Come on, Frank.

We are men.

We are rough.

-We are tough.
-Tough.

We do not hug,
we kiss.

Well, that date
was a complete waste.

What are you talking about?
We practically wore out
each other's lips.

Yes, but there needs
to be more to a relationship
than making out.

Like what?

Like some kind of emotional
and spiritual connection.

I mean, if people
are gonna be together,

there has to be depth.

But we went to a movie.

It is two hours of
gratuitous violence

occasionally interrupted by
topless women with machine guns.

Well, obviously
the whole point
of the movie

just went
right over your head.

"Fistful of Guts"
is a very classic study

of man's inhumanity
towards man.

Rich, did you just say,
"inhumanity"?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Do you know what that means?

I am starting
to rub off on you.

Dana, was that a smile?

Well, light up a room,
why don't you?

Look at you.
See?

Looks like
I'm rubbing off
on you, too.

No.

You mean it works
both ways?

See, there is more
to this relationship
than you thought.

And the best part
about it is,

it involves rubbing.

Sorry, Barky,
didn't know you had a date.

Don't mind me,
I'm just getting...

J.T., calm down, calm down!

Buddy, calm down.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

I'm sorry, man,
it's not a dream.

Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

J.T!
What's going on down here?

Why? Why?

Them! Them lips!
Them-them-them-them kissing!

Them rubbing!

Rich and Dana kissing?

Man, I haven't
been this sick

since I walked in
on Grandma in the shower.

Look, you guys,
I know it doesn't
make sense,

but I kind of...

sort of...like him.

No.

No!

No! No! No!

No use fighting nature, J.T.

They're like wild animals
drawn to each other

by a permit of lust.

No! No lust here.

No lust.

I need air.

God!

Dana, this is amazing.

You've gone from being
a clear-headed,

independent woman

to being a lust-driven,

hormonal love slave.

You're my hero.

Love slave?

Great, now I'm never
gonna sleep tonight.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

I mean,
opposites attract.

You are a over-achieving,
control freak.

And you are
an undisciplined,
irresponsible slacker.

No!

Hey, Mrs. L, Mr. L.

How was the old love
junket this weekend?

Hey, R,
none of your business.

So, what are you doing here,
Rich, waiting for J.T.?

No, actually.
I'm here to see Dana.

She's been tutoring me
in English Lit,

and I have a little
surprise for her.

-Hey, Mom. Hey, Frank.
-Hey, sweetie.

-Welcome home.
-Hi.

Hey, Rich.

I, got my test back.

Check it out.

You got a B?

I am so proud of you.

In fact,
you deserve a big reward.

Come on,
let's go celebrate.

Isn't he adorable?

I don't believe that.

Me neither.

Rich got a B.