Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 13 - Beautiful Ladies of Wrestling - full transcript

Hey, guys, great news.

I got something
that's gonna change our lives.

What is it?
An inflatable woman?

No, it's a girly magazine.

That's Peoplemagazine.

Yeah.

But this one has a photo spread

of the 10 sexiest women
in the world.

Man.

Is that a swimsuit
or a paint job?

I'd really love
to go out with her.



Mark, that's Pamela Anderson.

You have a better shot at going
out with Louie Anderson.

J.T., could you, please,
be useless in another room?

I'm studying.

Come on.
My principal Mrs. Whitney

is coming over to talk to mom.

That old bat?
Man, I can't believe
she's still alive.

But she was 110
when I was in school.

You know, I'll bet
she still has it out for me

for letting the air out of her
tires the last day of school.

You did that?

Yeah, I was graduating.
What was she gonna do?

Give me detention?

Mom, I thing it's Mrs. Whitney.



Okay.

Hello, Mrs. Whitney.

Hello, Mark.

Don't you look lovely
this evening.

And what's your problem?

Chapped lips.

May I take your wrap?

Certainly.

You are such a nice young man.

And you are a tribute
to higher education.

Suck-up,

Well, hello, Mrs. Whitney.

It's nice to see you again,
Mrs. Lambert.

Yes, you too.

Please, come in.

Thank you.

You remember J.T.

I certainly do.

You're the hooligan
who let the air out of my tires.

Consider yourself on detention
all next week.

Wait a minute,
you can't give me detention.
I'm out of high school.

No, but I can.
You're grounded.

Man, this bites.
O.J. walks and I get detention.

Please, sit down.

Thank you.

-Would you like some coffee?
-Yes, please.

Okay.

So, what did you want
to talk to us about?

Well, as we all know,

Mark is a very gifted student.

I would like to help him
get into the Academy for
Advanced Learning.

Yes, the big time.
I'm going to the show.

Well, I mean,
this is very flattering

but I'm just not sure that
I want Mark to go to a school

that stresses only academics.

But, Mom, this could be
my chance to prove myself

against the smartest kids
in the city.

Yes, I know, but I think,
you know,

being with normal kids
in a normal environment

is an important part
of life too.

Hey, Carol, I learned the
greatest thing in school today.

Now see, Brendan goes
to a public school

and I think he gets
a very well-rounded education.

So what did you learn?

Check it out.
I learned how to play music
with my armpit.

Da-da-di-da.

On second thought, I think

maybe normal kids
are holding Mark back.

So can I go to the academy?

Sure.

Yes, I'm the man.

Well, I'm gonna go practice
for the talent show.

He's a Lambert, isn't he?

Anyway, I'm just really tired
of the name Karen Foster.

It's so boring.

I'm thinking of changing my name
to Hakuna Matata.

Yeah, yeah,
then I'd have my own song.

Karen, Karen, we need the phone.
We need the phone.

I'm having
a very important conversation.

Have it later.

Hi, she'll call you back.

Hey!

Karen, this is an emergency.

Now if we're the 57th caller

we're gonna win
free Super Bowl tickets.

Super BowL?

Like that is more important
than me changing my name

to Hakuna Matata.

- It's ringing, it's ringing.
- Hovering!

Hello, hi, yes, yes, hi.
My name is J.T. Lambert

and my dad and I are willing
to do absolutely anything

to go to the Super Bowl.

Dad, we're the 57th caller.

Yes, we're in, we're going.

Okay, what do we have to do?

What... What did he say?
What... What's he saying?

Okay, Dad, how do you feel
about the cheerleaders

you see at halftime?

-I love 'em.
-Yeah?

How'd you like
to dress like one?

No, no.

Come on, Dad, all we have to do
is dress up like cheerleaders

and go to Dave's Sports Bar,
Saturday at 8:00.

Forget it, J.T., no way.

Come on, Dad.

Well, all it is
is a cheerleading outfit

it's not a thong bikini.

Come on, this is for the
Super Bowl tickets.
Fifty yard line.

-Okay, okay.
-Okay.

Okay. We'll do it, we'll do it.

Yes, okay, fine, all right, bye.

Yes, we're in.

-We're going to the Super Bowl.
-Yes, yes!

Lambert, Lambert!

Lambert, Lambert!

What are you two
so excited about?

Dad and I are going' to
Dave's Sports Bar
dressed like women.

I've gotta get out
of this family.

Hi, boys.
I didn't know Mark was home.

He's not. We just let ourselves
in to wait for him.

Well, then why don't you
just help yourselves

to a little snack?

We already did.

By the way,
you're out of peanut butter.

Well, there's another jar
in the pantry.

Not anymore.

Okay, I'll just put it
on the list.

Hey, Mark.

Honey, how was your first day
at the academy?

Awful.

We had a pop quiz today
and I got a C.

A C.
Mark Foster got a C.

Man, how the mighty
have fallen.

You better stop laughing

or I'll shove that turkey leg
up your nose.

Mark, Mark, take it easy,
it's just a grade.

Yeah, a C,
which means average.

Well, let me tell you something.
Mark Foster is not average.

Well, maybe you'll do
better next time.

Darn straight I will.

I'm gonna study
every minute of the day

until I can claim my rightful
place at the head of the class.

Hey, Mark, you seem
a little stressed out.

Now why don't you come
with me and Roland

tonight to see a movie?

A movie? Don't you understand?

I have to study.

It's Friday night.

So what? If you wanna
succeed at the academy

you have to study 24 hours
a day, seven days a week.

You don't have time
for stupid movies.

Well,
dinner's in about an hour.

No time for food.

But it's lasagna.
It's your favorite.

Lasagna?

I'll set two more places.

Dana, I'm glad you're here.

What do you think
of my new look?

You look like you slept
in a dumpster.

Yeah, I wish.

No, this is all part
of my new invention.

Edible clothing?

Care for a bite
of my potato skin vest?

Cody, why are you wearing food?

'Cause I'm gonna go camping.

You know,
like when you go camping

you gotta lurk around
all that heavy food and stuff.

So I figured, hey, why not
just wear it, you know?

It's light,
it's durable, you know.

Plus, if I get lost
in the woods, hey, man

I can survive a whole month
just snacking on my duds.

Look at that,
I got my cassava hat?

Potato skin vest,
sausage belt

and 100% turkey-jerky boots.

Gee, and I thought
Calvin Klein had his finger

on the pulse
of American fashion.

Yeah, it's camping time.

I almost forgot my most
important piece of clothing.

Dude!

Yeah, and you thought I didn't
know what I was doing?

Check this out.

English muffin earmuffs.

Well, I'm off.

There's the understatement
of the year.

Okay, listeners,
we're back live
from Dave's Sports Grill

and the moment you've all been waiting for is here.

It's time to meet the
contestants in WNKW's annual

I'll Do Anything
For Super Bowl
Tickets Giveaway.

Say hello to J.T.
and Frank Lambert

better known tonight
as Janet and Francesca.

Whoo! Nice pom-poms, ladies.

Yeah, we love you, too.
Now where's the tickets?

Not so fast.

I told you
you'd get your tickets

from two beautiful ladies

but what I didn't tell you
is that they'd be

two beautiful ladies
of wrestling!

Frank and J.T., say hello
to Assault and Battery.

These two brawling beauties
have your Super Bowl tickets

and all you have
to do is survive

ten rounds in the ring
with them.

I'll wait for you in the car.

Come on, Dad,
this is for the Super Bowl.

We can't back down now.

And now round one.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on in, guys.

Ms, Assault, is it? Yeah.

Listen, I...
I don't feel right
about fighting with a woman.

So why don't you just
give us the tickets

and we'll call it a night?

Well, sure.

- Here they are.
- Great.

I'll flip you for them!

There's a takedown.
That's two points.

Going somewhere?

God, I'm gonna die
and I'm still a virgin.

Well, it's round eight
and the score is,

Beautiful Girls, 92,

and Lamberts, zilch.

If those boys are going
to the Super Bowl

they're going' in body casts.

Thank you.

I'll bet that hurt.

Don't make me come and get you.

- You okay, Dad?
- Yeah.

Make a wish.

I wish
you weren't gonna do this.

God!

That's it, that's it, no more.
Aunt, uncle.

We give up, whatever.

And there's the first
smart move of the night
for the Lamberts!

They've conceded!

The undefeated champions,
Assault and Battery!

Well, how about a nice round
of applause for our losers?

Come on over here, fellas.

Well, how're you feeling, guys?

I wanna die.

Well, maybe this'll make you
feel better.

You guys were such good sports

that we're gonna give you the Super Bowl tickets, anyway.

You earned 'em

I... I can get
handicap parking, right?

Now would you boys
like to go another round

for air fare
and accommodations?

Help!

Just kidding.
The whole package is yours.

And thanks for playing WNKW's

I'll Do Anything
For Super Bowl Tickets.

Mark.

Hi, Karen.

What are you wearing
on your head?

My study lights.
They help me focus.

But it's 3:00 in the morning.
What are you still doing up?

Well, I might ask
the same question,

Ms. Sneaking
Through The Backdoor.

I have very good reason
for being out this late.

I've been making out
with Bobby Cooper
for the last six hours.

What's your excuse?

I'm cramming.

I've gotta keep up with the rest
of the kids at the academy.

Hey, you're not allowed
to drink coffee.

I'm not drinking it,
I'm chewing it.

It gets into the blood stream
a lot quicker that way.

I'm good
for another hour.

Night-night, Lily.

Karen, what are you doing up?

I, just went
to the bathroom.

You got dressed,
you put on mascara

to go to the bathroom?

You know me. I think
appearance is very important.

Goodnight.

Karen.

It is 3:00 in the morning.

I have just been breastfeeding
and Lily is getting teeth.

Don't mess with me.

Okay, I broke my curfew because
I was out with Bobby Cooper.

But that is not
your biggest concern.

Mark is downstairs studying.

And abusing coffee.

Mark is studying at 3:00
in the morning?

And abusing coffee.

And I think
that this is a major problem

and you should deal with it
right now.

You are darn right, I'm gonna
deal with it right now.

Thank you, Karen.

You're welcome.

Karen, Karen.

Yeah, Mom?

You're grounded.

It was worth it.

Mark, why aren't you in bed?

Sleep is for losers. There's
no way I'm gonna get a C again.

Hard drive is full?

Mom, I need $5,000
for a new computer.

Mark, I want you
to stop working.

And take off those antenna
lights. You look like a bug.

Mark, I think this new school
was a bad idea.

I want you to go back
to your regular school.

No way, you can't do that to me.

Mark, the school is putting
way too much pressure on you.

I... I don't care.
I'm not quitting
and you can't make me.

-I'm just trying to help.
-Well, you're not.

-You're making it worse.
-How am I making it worse?

Forget it. I don't wanna talk
about it anymore.

You just don't understand.

Okay, maybe I don't understand,
but I'd really like to.

Why are you so upset?

I can't quit the academy now.
I have to prove I'm the best.

Why?

It's who I am.

I'm not a jock.

I'm not Mr. Personality.

If I'm not the smartest kid
in school

then I'm nothing.

Mark.

You know, if this had happened
a few years ago

I'd understand
why you feel this way.

You used to be a one-dimensional
kind of kid, you know

and school was your life.

But lately,
you've really grown.

You've had a girlfriend,
you've taken karate lessons.

You got buddies.

Really, Mark,
I think this school

is a step backwards for you.

But you always say
how proud you are of me

when I get straight As.

Mark.

I am proud of you
when you do your best.

But I want you to do
your best in everything,

not just in school.

So you're not
disappointed in me?

I'm never
disappointed in you.

And really, I think
you will be a lot happier

if you go back
to your normal life.

Mom, I have kind of missed
hanging out with my friends.

Yeah. They're nice kids.

They eat like pigs, but...

they're really nice kids.

You know what, Mom?
I think you're right.

I wanna go back
to my old school.

Good.

But the tough part's gonna be
telling them that I quit.

It's gonna be
pretty humiliating.

Well, not if you say

"Gosh, like you know,
my mom had a total cow

"and she's forcing me
to go back to my old school."

I can't say that. It's not true.

Okay.

Mark Foster, I forbid you
to go to this new school.

Not. No, no, no. I don't want
any more of your backtalk.

You're going to your regular
school and that is final.

See? Now it's true.

-You're a great mom.
-Yeah, I know.

Dana.

Thank God, you're here.

All right, listen, now
if an 800 pound grizzly bear

rings the doorbell,
just tell him I'm not here.

My God,
what happened to you?

Well, I learned one important
fact about the woods.

There's a lot of hungry animals
out there.

Trust me, it's no place to be

if you're dressed like
the salad bar from the Sizzler.

Cody, you didn't have a tent
or anything to protect you?

Well, yeah, but I made the tent
out of eggplant.

Yeah, man, as soon as
the bears got through that

man, I became the main dish.

Thank God, I talked myself out
of Canadian bacon underwear.

That could've been
some permanent damage.

- I'm gonna go upstairs
and shower off.

I think I'm getting
a little ripe?

I really gotta get out
of this family.