Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 23 - Big Girl on Campus - full transcript
Carol has decided to get rid of most of Frank's 'junk' (a matter of taste and memories) by holding a garage sale, so he overprices, she even wants to give in to a shameless shark who never bids more then a quarter. Cody tries to win a Port Washington song competition for the chamber of commerce in his melodically most monotonous blues guitar tradition. Meanwhile Al successfully begs Dana to take not only man-eater Karen but also her along to a Kappa Alpha Sigma party. Slick frat-boy Jeremy frowns on Karen but accepts Al's blunt invitation to dance, then volunteers to show her the campus. The sisters overhear he systematically takes girls to his room aka his 'petting zoo' for an elaborate seduction routine. They need only one word to chase him: fifteen. The seductresses trio even takes shameless 'revenge' by theft and vandalism.
Would you listen to that?
What?
It's quiet in this house
for the first time
in four years.
We can actually
get some work done
and not be disturbed.
Hey, cool.
I'm glad I caught you guys
while you were taking a break.
Totally awesome news, man.
The Chamber of Commerce
is holding a contest
to see who can write the best
song about Port Washington.
The winner gets 200 bucks.
And let me guess.
You've written some sort
of toneless,
mind-numbing drivel.
Totally.
It's called "The Port
Washington's Cool Blues."
All right.
You ready for this one?
Check it out.
So what do you think?
I think I'm
getting a headache.
You know what?
I got a totally killer
remedy for that.
Check this one out.
It's called the headache
blues. You ready?
You're feeling better already,
aren't you?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Al.
Hey, I'm using that to get
rid of the puffiness
around my eyes.
You look fine.
What's that green goo
on your face?
It's home-made facial mask
made out of avocado.
Avocado?
Yeah.
This is pretty good.
You know, your face
makes a great party platter.
Hey, stop eating my face.
I'm trying to get ready
for a big college party
Dana's taking me to
this weekend.
College party?
That sounds great!
Come on, take me.
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
This party is only
for college students.
And very mature high school
seniors like myself.
I can be just as mature
as you.
Can not.
Can too.
Nuh-
Yeah-
Shut up, pee-wee.
You shut up, dip-face.
Hello!
Maybe I should go
to this party by myself.
This isn't fair!
You know, the three of us have
been hanging out a lot lately,
and now that you guys
are doing something cool,
you're cutting me out.
Fine. You can come.
Yes! All right!
Party! Party!
Hey, but you better not act
like a little 15-year-old
teenybopper and embarrass us.
Don't worry.
No one at the party
will know I'm 15.
They will too.
They will not.
Will too.
Will not.
Yes-
Nuh-
Shut up.
You shut up.
Make me!
Jinx!
Man, dad has a big head.
Yeah, and a bunch of stupid
hats to cover it up.
Man, you're a genius
if you can sell all
this stuff.
Just put the boxes
anywhere.
No problem.
We'll go
get the rest of the stuff.
Thanks, guys.
What's going on here?
Well, I just got sick
of all the clutter
so we're gonna
have a yard sale
and get rid
of all this useless junk.
Junk?
No, honey.
This isn't junk.
Look, this is a perfectly
good moose head.
It has not been perfectly good
since it came off the moose.
I bagged this moose myself.
You hit it on the interstate.
It was hunting season.
Frank, it is going.
Come on, honey. This is
all priceless Americana here.
Like look at this.
This "Beer on Tap" sign.
I mean, this
is from the 50s.
Gee, you'd have to go
all the way to a bar
to see one of those.
No, you see,
this one's great.
Because, when you turn it on,
the little bear,
he takes a drink...
and then he--
He pees in the stream.
Okay. This can go.
Are not.
Are too.
Yes-
Shut up.
You shut up.
Would you two idiots shut up?
Wow. There are a lot
of really hot guys here.
Brace yourself, boys.
Karen Foster
is in the house.
Yeah, like they couldn't tell
from the two gallons
of perfume you've got on.
Where did those come from?
It's a miracle bra.
I'll say.
Yup. It works great,
doesn't it?
No, no, no, no.
There will be
no miracles today.
But, I thought you wanted me
to look like an 18-year-old.
Yeah.
An 18-year-old student.
Not an 18-year-old stripper.
Stripper?
Well, I had no idea
they looked that good.
Excuse me, but while you two
are gabbing,
some of the best guys
are being snapped up.
Now, let's cut the chatter
and see if we can find
a few good men.
We have a winner.
Baby, cut me
a slice of that.
Forget it, junior.
You are way
out of your league.
You don't know the first thing
about getting a guy like that
to dance with you.
I know as much as you do.
Yeah, right.
Now, watch an expert
and prepare to be amazed.
Excuse me.
Hi. My name is Karen.
Hi, Karen.
Would you mind moving?
You're blocking
the punch bowl.
Back so soon?
He's studying
to be a priest.
Yeah, right.
I'll show you how to get a guy
to dance with you.
Hi. Wanna dance?
Sure.
He dances pretty well
for a priest.
What's your name?
Al.
I'm Jeremy.
I haven't seen you
around campus.
Are you a freshman here?
No. I go to school
somewhere else.
In another state.
Where?
Canada.
Canada State College?
I'm visiting my cousins.
Well, thanks.
That was fun.
Yeah. I thought so too.
You know,
it's a little hot in here.
Would you like
to go for a walk?
I could show you
around our campus.
Okay, cool.
All right. Come on.
Goodbye, girls.
I'm going on a tour
of the campus
with Father Jeremy.
Hey, Carol.
Check it out.
I wrote an all-new Port
Washington song.
It's even more knarly
than the first one.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Wait, come here,
come here, come here,
you gotta give it a listen.
Come on,
you'll love it.
Ready, okay?
Frank's kids, Carol's too.
Well, Cody, you know
of all songs you've ever
written,
that one has the most,
um, words.
Y'all come back now, hear?
She loved it.
Sold anything yet?
Nope. Not yet, honey.
$50?
Who's gonna buy a moose head
for $50?
Animal lovers.
You know, Frank, we have been
married for four years now
and I've been meaning
to tell you this
for some time.
What's that?
You are a raving lunatic.
Well, I just say, people
will recognize quality
when they see it.
Here comes a live one.
Just stand there and watch.
Well, hey, buddy. I see
you really know your stuff.
You went right to the man's
lamp there, didn't you?
Solid brassy base,
all new wiring, energy saver
three-way bulb.
How much?
Well, I'll let you
have that baby for $15.
I'll give you a quarter.
The bulb costs
more than a quarter.
Hey, I'm hauling away
your garbage.
You should pay me.
How much
to haul away that moose?
Quarter.
If you throw in the lamp.
Now, wait a minute.
Frank, Frank.
Could I see you over
at the Sporting
goods department
for a minute, please?
The nerve of that guy!
He's offering you good money
to haul away your trash.
Don't let him get away!
Carol, I'm not gonna
give away this stuff for free.
I had to throw a frozen turkey
20 yards to win that lamp.
You just leave it to me. Okay?
Listen, Pal,
sorry we kinda got off
on the wrong foot here.
I can see you're no dummy.
You went to the crown jewel
of the whole sale here.
Man, this bad boy's a classic,
isn't it?
Stainless steel blades,
vulcanized rubber grips,
made right here
in the good old US of A.
How much?
I'll let you have it
for 20 bucks.
I'll give you a quarter.
You're starting
to get on my nerves.
Grazie, Antonio.
Arrivederci.
Arrivederci.
He did not speak
a word of English.
I like that in a man.
This party stinks.
I never should've let you
drag me along.
Karen. What is your problem?
Twelve guys have asked you
to dance
and one guy asked you
to marry him.
Yeah.
But, Al got the one
I wanted.
Jeremy should be giving me
a tour of the campus
right now.
Karen, let it go.
You lost one guy
in 18 years.
You see, that's how it starts.
First you lose one guy,
next thing you know,
you're Zsa Zsa Gabor
slapping around a policeman
just to get some attention.
Excuse me.
Would you mind moving?
You're blocking
the punch bowl.
See what I mean?
Zsa Zsa.
-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, where's Jeremy?
I thought he was going
to the game with us.
Not likely.
He's giving some girl
one of his infamous
campus tours.
You know, the ones that always
end up in room 302?
Or as he likes to call it,
"The Petting Zoo."
Man, how does he do it?
He's got it down to a science.
He puts on
his Luther Vandross CD,
he sits next to her
on the bed and he says,
"I can't believe
I just met you.
"You're so easy to talk to.
"I feel like I've
known you for months."
And that works?
Are you kidding me?
He's been to the Promise Land
more times than Moses.
I can't believe
I left my jacket here.
Come on in.
Cool room, Jeremy.
Thanks.
You know, we don't
have to rush back
to the party.
Why don't we just
hang around here and relax?
Okay.
Have a seat.
Hey, I just got
a new CD.
Do you like Luther Vandross?
Yeah. He's great.
You know, I can't believe
I just met you.
You're so easy to talk to.
I feel like I've
known you for months.
Thanks.
Your eyes.
They have
the most incredible color.
Really?
Yeah, they have
just the smallest amount
of gold fleck in it.
Thanks.
Yours are kind of nice, too.
Look.
Can we just slow down?
Sure. No problem.
No.
I want to stop.
We're having a great time!
No! Just stop it!
Come on, don't get
all freaked out.
Just let me go!
It's okay.
Just let me go!
Freeze, slime ball!
Get out of my room!
She's our sister.
So what?
She's 15.
I'm out of here.
Al, are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm okay.
You know...
I don't get it.
I thought he was
a really nice guy.
And...
I thought we were
just gonna kiss.
And the next thing I know...
he's trying to make me
lie down on the bed.
Well, Al,
you kind of put yourself
in a bad position.
I mean, you're alone
in the guy's room
and no one else
is around.
Karen.
We're supposed to be
making her feel better,
not worse.
She's right.
I was really stupid.
No, Al.
This is not your fault.
I mean, this guy
is like a professional.
And from what we heard,
you're not the first girl
he brought up here.
Well, thanks,
that makes me
feel real special.
Al.
This is why I wasn't sure
you should come
to a college party
in the first place.
I mean, I don't know
that you're ready
to handle guys this age.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess I'm not as grown up
as I thought I was.
Look.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Well, you know,
that's what sisters are for,
right?
What are you doing?
One of my favorite things.
It's called revenge.
Hey, any of you guys
down there like Luther
Vandross?
I do!
Here he comes!
You know...
He might need something
to play that on.
All right. Heads up.
All right!
That felt good.
Yeah, come on, now.
25 bucks is a great price
for a talking scale.
Hey, this is a great
anniversary gift.
Women love to hear
what they weigh
first thing in the morning.
What a jerk.
That guy doesn't know
a real bargain
when he sees one.
Frank?
Yeah.
It's almost 5 o'clock.
All we have sold
is a partial deck of cards
and a back-scratcher
for a nickel.
If you count the pizza
we had for lunch,
we're $7.95 in the hole.
Hey.
That guy's back.
That cigar guy
from this morning?
Just like I planned.
Let me tell you, this works.
You just sit there
and watch me sell.
I see you haven't
sold the lamp yet.
In fact,
you haven't sold anything.
How much for me
to buy the whole shebang?
Well...
this is your lucky day.
Because I'm gonna let you
have everything here
for 50 bucks.
I'll give you a quarter.
Sold!
Will you take a check?
What?
It's quiet in this house
for the first time
in four years.
We can actually
get some work done
and not be disturbed.
Hey, cool.
I'm glad I caught you guys
while you were taking a break.
Totally awesome news, man.
The Chamber of Commerce
is holding a contest
to see who can write the best
song about Port Washington.
The winner gets 200 bucks.
And let me guess.
You've written some sort
of toneless,
mind-numbing drivel.
Totally.
It's called "The Port
Washington's Cool Blues."
All right.
You ready for this one?
Check it out.
So what do you think?
I think I'm
getting a headache.
You know what?
I got a totally killer
remedy for that.
Check this one out.
It's called the headache
blues. You ready?
You're feeling better already,
aren't you?
Hey, guys.
Hey, Al.
Hey, I'm using that to get
rid of the puffiness
around my eyes.
You look fine.
What's that green goo
on your face?
It's home-made facial mask
made out of avocado.
Avocado?
Yeah.
This is pretty good.
You know, your face
makes a great party platter.
Hey, stop eating my face.
I'm trying to get ready
for a big college party
Dana's taking me to
this weekend.
College party?
That sounds great!
Come on, take me.
Please? Please?
Please? Please?
This party is only
for college students.
And very mature high school
seniors like myself.
I can be just as mature
as you.
Can not.
Can too.
Nuh-
Yeah-
Shut up, pee-wee.
You shut up, dip-face.
Hello!
Maybe I should go
to this party by myself.
This isn't fair!
You know, the three of us have
been hanging out a lot lately,
and now that you guys
are doing something cool,
you're cutting me out.
Fine. You can come.
Yes! All right!
Party! Party!
Hey, but you better not act
like a little 15-year-old
teenybopper and embarrass us.
Don't worry.
No one at the party
will know I'm 15.
They will too.
They will not.
Will too.
Will not.
Yes-
Nuh-
Shut up.
You shut up.
Make me!
Jinx!
Man, dad has a big head.
Yeah, and a bunch of stupid
hats to cover it up.
Man, you're a genius
if you can sell all
this stuff.
Just put the boxes
anywhere.
No problem.
We'll go
get the rest of the stuff.
Thanks, guys.
What's going on here?
Well, I just got sick
of all the clutter
so we're gonna
have a yard sale
and get rid
of all this useless junk.
Junk?
No, honey.
This isn't junk.
Look, this is a perfectly
good moose head.
It has not been perfectly good
since it came off the moose.
I bagged this moose myself.
You hit it on the interstate.
It was hunting season.
Frank, it is going.
Come on, honey. This is
all priceless Americana here.
Like look at this.
This "Beer on Tap" sign.
I mean, this
is from the 50s.
Gee, you'd have to go
all the way to a bar
to see one of those.
No, you see,
this one's great.
Because, when you turn it on,
the little bear,
he takes a drink...
and then he--
He pees in the stream.
Okay. This can go.
Are not.
Are too.
Yes-
Shut up.
You shut up.
Would you two idiots shut up?
Wow. There are a lot
of really hot guys here.
Brace yourself, boys.
Karen Foster
is in the house.
Yeah, like they couldn't tell
from the two gallons
of perfume you've got on.
Where did those come from?
It's a miracle bra.
I'll say.
Yup. It works great,
doesn't it?
No, no, no, no.
There will be
no miracles today.
But, I thought you wanted me
to look like an 18-year-old.
Yeah.
An 18-year-old student.
Not an 18-year-old stripper.
Stripper?
Well, I had no idea
they looked that good.
Excuse me, but while you two
are gabbing,
some of the best guys
are being snapped up.
Now, let's cut the chatter
and see if we can find
a few good men.
We have a winner.
Baby, cut me
a slice of that.
Forget it, junior.
You are way
out of your league.
You don't know the first thing
about getting a guy like that
to dance with you.
I know as much as you do.
Yeah, right.
Now, watch an expert
and prepare to be amazed.
Excuse me.
Hi. My name is Karen.
Hi, Karen.
Would you mind moving?
You're blocking
the punch bowl.
Back so soon?
He's studying
to be a priest.
Yeah, right.
I'll show you how to get a guy
to dance with you.
Hi. Wanna dance?
Sure.
He dances pretty well
for a priest.
What's your name?
Al.
I'm Jeremy.
I haven't seen you
around campus.
Are you a freshman here?
No. I go to school
somewhere else.
In another state.
Where?
Canada.
Canada State College?
I'm visiting my cousins.
Well, thanks.
That was fun.
Yeah. I thought so too.
You know,
it's a little hot in here.
Would you like
to go for a walk?
I could show you
around our campus.
Okay, cool.
All right. Come on.
Goodbye, girls.
I'm going on a tour
of the campus
with Father Jeremy.
Hey, Carol.
Check it out.
I wrote an all-new Port
Washington song.
It's even more knarly
than the first one.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Wait, come here,
come here, come here,
you gotta give it a listen.
Come on,
you'll love it.
Ready, okay?
Frank's kids, Carol's too.
Well, Cody, you know
of all songs you've ever
written,
that one has the most,
um, words.
Y'all come back now, hear?
She loved it.
Sold anything yet?
Nope. Not yet, honey.
$50?
Who's gonna buy a moose head
for $50?
Animal lovers.
You know, Frank, we have been
married for four years now
and I've been meaning
to tell you this
for some time.
What's that?
You are a raving lunatic.
Well, I just say, people
will recognize quality
when they see it.
Here comes a live one.
Just stand there and watch.
Well, hey, buddy. I see
you really know your stuff.
You went right to the man's
lamp there, didn't you?
Solid brassy base,
all new wiring, energy saver
three-way bulb.
How much?
Well, I'll let you
have that baby for $15.
I'll give you a quarter.
The bulb costs
more than a quarter.
Hey, I'm hauling away
your garbage.
You should pay me.
How much
to haul away that moose?
Quarter.
If you throw in the lamp.
Now, wait a minute.
Frank, Frank.
Could I see you over
at the Sporting
goods department
for a minute, please?
The nerve of that guy!
He's offering you good money
to haul away your trash.
Don't let him get away!
Carol, I'm not gonna
give away this stuff for free.
I had to throw a frozen turkey
20 yards to win that lamp.
You just leave it to me. Okay?
Listen, Pal,
sorry we kinda got off
on the wrong foot here.
I can see you're no dummy.
You went to the crown jewel
of the whole sale here.
Man, this bad boy's a classic,
isn't it?
Stainless steel blades,
vulcanized rubber grips,
made right here
in the good old US of A.
How much?
I'll let you have it
for 20 bucks.
I'll give you a quarter.
You're starting
to get on my nerves.
Grazie, Antonio.
Arrivederci.
Arrivederci.
He did not speak
a word of English.
I like that in a man.
This party stinks.
I never should've let you
drag me along.
Karen. What is your problem?
Twelve guys have asked you
to dance
and one guy asked you
to marry him.
Yeah.
But, Al got the one
I wanted.
Jeremy should be giving me
a tour of the campus
right now.
Karen, let it go.
You lost one guy
in 18 years.
You see, that's how it starts.
First you lose one guy,
next thing you know,
you're Zsa Zsa Gabor
slapping around a policeman
just to get some attention.
Excuse me.
Would you mind moving?
You're blocking
the punch bowl.
See what I mean?
Zsa Zsa.
-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, where's Jeremy?
I thought he was going
to the game with us.
Not likely.
He's giving some girl
one of his infamous
campus tours.
You know, the ones that always
end up in room 302?
Or as he likes to call it,
"The Petting Zoo."
Man, how does he do it?
He's got it down to a science.
He puts on
his Luther Vandross CD,
he sits next to her
on the bed and he says,
"I can't believe
I just met you.
"You're so easy to talk to.
"I feel like I've
known you for months."
And that works?
Are you kidding me?
He's been to the Promise Land
more times than Moses.
I can't believe
I left my jacket here.
Come on in.
Cool room, Jeremy.
Thanks.
You know, we don't
have to rush back
to the party.
Why don't we just
hang around here and relax?
Okay.
Have a seat.
Hey, I just got
a new CD.
Do you like Luther Vandross?
Yeah. He's great.
You know, I can't believe
I just met you.
You're so easy to talk to.
I feel like I've
known you for months.
Thanks.
Your eyes.
They have
the most incredible color.
Really?
Yeah, they have
just the smallest amount
of gold fleck in it.
Thanks.
Yours are kind of nice, too.
Look.
Can we just slow down?
Sure. No problem.
No.
I want to stop.
We're having a great time!
No! Just stop it!
Come on, don't get
all freaked out.
Just let me go!
It's okay.
Just let me go!
Freeze, slime ball!
Get out of my room!
She's our sister.
So what?
She's 15.
I'm out of here.
Al, are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm okay.
You know...
I don't get it.
I thought he was
a really nice guy.
And...
I thought we were
just gonna kiss.
And the next thing I know...
he's trying to make me
lie down on the bed.
Well, Al,
you kind of put yourself
in a bad position.
I mean, you're alone
in the guy's room
and no one else
is around.
Karen.
We're supposed to be
making her feel better,
not worse.
She's right.
I was really stupid.
No, Al.
This is not your fault.
I mean, this guy
is like a professional.
And from what we heard,
you're not the first girl
he brought up here.
Well, thanks,
that makes me
feel real special.
Al.
This is why I wasn't sure
you should come
to a college party
in the first place.
I mean, I don't know
that you're ready
to handle guys this age.
Yeah, you're right.
I guess I'm not as grown up
as I thought I was.
Look.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Well, you know,
that's what sisters are for,
right?
What are you doing?
One of my favorite things.
It's called revenge.
Hey, any of you guys
down there like Luther
Vandross?
I do!
Here he comes!
You know...
He might need something
to play that on.
All right. Heads up.
All right!
That felt good.
Yeah, come on, now.
25 bucks is a great price
for a talking scale.
Hey, this is a great
anniversary gift.
Women love to hear
what they weigh
first thing in the morning.
What a jerk.
That guy doesn't know
a real bargain
when he sees one.
Frank?
Yeah.
It's almost 5 o'clock.
All we have sold
is a partial deck of cards
and a back-scratcher
for a nickel.
If you count the pizza
we had for lunch,
we're $7.95 in the hole.
Hey.
That guy's back.
That cigar guy
from this morning?
Just like I planned.
Let me tell you, this works.
You just sit there
and watch me sell.
I see you haven't
sold the lamp yet.
In fact,
you haven't sold anything.
How much for me
to buy the whole shebang?
Well...
this is your lucky day.
Because I'm gonna let you
have everything here
for 50 bucks.
I'll give you a quarter.
Sold!
Will you take a check?