Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 24 - A Foster/Lambert Production - full transcript

Cody assures Carol his 36 hours of video should last her entire adventure when she starts labor. J.T. can't be bothered to drive the family till Frank jump-starts him hard-handedly, then manages to 'forget' the Foster kids, so in the hospital waiting room Cody has little luck trying to make memories -since how it all started and the rare moments Lambert-Foster sibling help occurred- lead to a true fraternization. Meanwhile Carol puts Frank in charge of guarding her foolish resolve to have 'natural' childbirth without anesthesia, pulling his hair atrociously as soon as contractions come, then scolding everyone once help arrives. Finally Lilly joins the clan, the first-ever true mixed-blood Foster- Lambert...

Come on, he's open!

Yes! Yes! All right.
Yes.

Yeah.

All right, everybody.
All hands on deck.

Time to take Carol
to the hospital.

Hospital? Man,
the baby's coming?

Dude, I got to get this
on film.

Come on, everybody.

But, Dad, the Bucks
just went into overtime.

Can't she just cross her legs
and hold it in?

JT, son, let me explain
something to you here.



Now.

Coming, Dad.
Good, boy.

Okay, Al, Brendan,
grab the suitcases.I'll get Dana and Karen.

Yeah. Okay. JT, take everybody
in the car.

And I'm taking Carol to the
hospital in the truck. Okay?

Don't worry, Carol.
I got plenty
of film here, all right?

You could be in labor for
up to thirty-six hours,

I'll get the whole
ragin' thing on Memorex.

Yeah. Cody, we're in
a bit of a hurry, here. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.
Everybody watch out.
Okay here we go.

Cool. Hey, I'm gonna strap
myself to the hood

and get some action shots
on the way.

All right, let's go.
Come on. Go, go, go.

Okay, okay, we're ready to go.



JT? Guys?

Where are they?

No, no. He wouldn't dare.
Not even JT.

They left without us.

Okay...

I'm gonna hurt him.

- Paging Lori Anderson.
- Health care four.

Geez, we've been
here an hour.

How long does it take
to have a baby?

How should I know?
Do I look like a chick?

We've got the hallway
to Carol's hospital.

We've got patients walking
back and forth. Yeah.

Hey, dude.

You might want to
hold the back
of that gown closed, man.

Unless you want somebody
to park their bike there.

Hey, here we got the Lamberts,

anxiously awaiting
the arrival of their new
little brother or sister.

And over here,
we got the Fosters...

Dude?

Where's Dana-burger
and company?

Dr. Starnes.
Dr. James T. Starnes
to emergency, STAT.

JT.

You sub-human,
inconsiderate pig.

Here they are.

How could you
leave without us?

Yeah, Frank said
you were supposed to
drive everybody else.

See, I thought he meant
everybody else I liked.

Yeah, who wants to hang out
with you geeks anyway?

Pipe down, you little twerp.

Don't call him a twerp, dork.

Hi-ya!

Back off, Missy.

I took a self defense class
and I can snap your neck
like a chicken bone.

Take your best shot, Barbie.
This is gonna be your last.

Hi-ya...

All right, all right,
all right. That's enough.
That's it. Break it up, okay?

Man, you guys.

This is supposed to be
the happiest day
of your lives.

Forget it, Cody.

There hasn't been a happy day
since these Lambert goobers
first moved in.

Yep.

September 20, 1991.

The day the music died.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Well, well, well.
Frank Lambert.

Long time no see.

Come on in.

Kids, come on, come on.

These are my kids.
Karen and Mark.

And these are mine.
Al, Brendan and JT.

- Say "Hi," kids.
- Hi.

And here's Dana.

You.

My God.
It's the rat boy.

Mother, this cretin put
a dead rat in my locker.

The rat was alive when
I put him in there.

Your gym socks
must have killed him.

Hey, great. You two already
know each other.

I'll tell you what. Why don't
all you kids go on out back

and talk about what is
obviously a pretty darn
interesting story. Come on.

Children, time to eat.

Mother!

What?

What is it?

Mom, look what that midget
did to my dress.

Well, what?
I don't see anything.

There. She squirted ketchup
all over me.

Lighten up.
It was an accident.

If I wanted to get it all over
you, I'd have done this.

Stop it, you little criminal!

Hey, don't call my sister
a criminal, jerk face.

You people are savages.

Can't you argue without
throwing food?

Yes.

Dining with
the Lamberts. Always
a four star experience.

Right. Like it's real fun
waking up to your dog breath
every morning.

You guys have been fighting
for like four years.

Don't you think it's time
to bury the hatchet?

Smoke the peace pipe,

get on board the love train?

Maybe. But I still don't
trust her with ketchup
in her hand.

Relax, Karen, it's empty. See?

At least, I,
I thought it was empty.

It's empty now.

Here we go,
cleansing breath, now.

Good girl.
Yeah, yeah.

Honey, here you go, now.

Here's an ice chip for you.

Thanks.
You're welecome.

Sorry I'm late, but the Bucks
went into overtime,

and I, couldn't
take my eyes off
of that Glen Robinson.

With a butt like that,
he's worth every penny
of that sixty-eight million.

She's only dilated
three centimeters,
Dr. Postley.

We've got a long way to go.
Okay.

- So how are you doing, Carol?
- I'm fine.

Good. Would you
like to meet your
anesthesiologist now?

No, no, no, no.
We won't be needing
him, doctor.

Frank and I have
discussed this

and we have decided we are
going to have a completely
natural childbirth.

Haven't we, Frank?

Um, are you sure about that?

Absolutely. No drugs.
No anesthetic.

I'm handling the pain
just fine.

Well, honey, you're only
at a three, you haven't
felt real pain yet.

I haven't?

Honey, look.

I think another
contraction's coming.

This sucker's gonna be
a big one.

Just breathe, now?

Okay, okay, breathe.

I'm okay.
You're okay.

I'm okay.
You're okay.

I'm okay...
You're okay.

I'm not okay.
Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.
You can do this, honey.

Here. You want
some ice chips?No, I want drugs!

No, you don't.

Yes I do! I want drugs!

But honey...
Drugs!

Remember, natural childbirth.

Drugs now!

I think we'd like to meet
the anesthesiologist, now.

And maybe somebody to sew
my ear back on?

Nurse, could you get
Dr. Winefield?

Right away, doctor.

Breathe, breathe.
All right, all right.

Okay, honey. Come on, Carol.

Come on, don't forget
to breathe.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Carol.

Just breathe. Breathe.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's good, honey.
That's good.

You're doing excellent work.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Dr. Winefield.
I'll be your anesthesiologist.

What's he doing here?

You asked for drugs, honey.

Frank, that was not
me talking, that was
the pain talking.

Well, honey, Mr. Pain
was using your voice.

Frank, you're supposed to
be strong enough to
stand up to me.

Okay, okay, I'll be strong.

Okay. We won't be
needing you, Dr. Winefield.

And we don't need you
or your drugs.

Very well.

I wouldn't go too far.

Okay, Carol.
Yeah, yeah.

Take some deep breaths
because the really big
contractions will start soon.

The,
the really big ones?

Okay, okay,
here we go.

It's gonna be okay, honey.

My God!

Doctor Hallin. Doctor Hallin. Dial five-two.

Dr. Covington, you're wanted
in Maternity.

Dr. Covington to Maternity.

Attention, doctors,

if one of you is single
and owns a new Mercedes
or BMW convertible,

please report to the Maternity
Waiting Room, STAT.

Karen,

this is a hospital,
not Love Connection.

Anyway, you don't even know
what "STAT" means.

Who cares?

Whenever they say it on ER,
George Clooney comes running.

Good, okay.

Breathe.

Good girl.
All right.

Carol, you're doing great.
Good.

All right. Now, I gotta
go down the hall
and check on a patient.

If you need me,
just use the intercom
next to your pillow, okay?

Okay.
All right. Good girl.

You're doing a great job.
I love you so much

I love you, too, Frank.

Brace yourself.
Here comes
another contraction.

My God!

You did this to me.
I know.

It's your baby!
I know.

Get it out!

Now, remember,
we love each other.

Shut up, pretty boy.

I want drugs!

No, no, you don't want drugs.

The hell I don't.

Carol, one of us
has to be strong.

Yeah. Well remember that
vasectomy we talked about?Yeah.

How'd ya' like it right now?

Code blue, code blue.
My wife needs drugs!

Get in here. Now, now, now!

What's the problem?

She threatened me with
a do-it-yourself vasectomy.

Nurse, get Dr. Winefield.

Good going, honey.

Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, Carol.Just breathe.

Breathe. Breathe.
Breathe. Good girl.

Frank. Frank.

Frank, that was
the worst one yet.

I know. Hang on, honey.
But help's on the way.

What do you mean, "help?"

Well, Dr. Winefield
is coming to give you
something for the pain.

The drug guy?

That's what you asked for.

Frank Lambert, you spineless
noodle of a man.

How many times
do I have to tell you,
I don't want drugs?

You know, I really liked
this birth thing better
in the old days

when the men just hung out
in the bar around the corner.

Frank, could I just have
a word with Carol?

Yeah, yeah. I'll just
step off the battlefield
and get a cup of coffee.

Yeah, get out of here!

Carol...
What?

Why is it so important
for you to have this baby
without pain medication?

Because I want to be present
for every moment of
this baby's birth.

You're gonna be present.
I can guarantee that.

You'll be real present.

But, honey, you seem to be
under the impression that
you need to be in agony.

Yeah, well, isn't it better
for the baby if I don't
take anything?

Not necessarily.

And If you're exhausted
and in a lot of pain

that's not good for the baby
when it comes time to deliver.

Well, I really wanted
to have this baby naturally.

Carol, the only way this baby
will not be born naturally

Is if it comes out your nose.

Well, maybe it wouldn't
hurt if I...

Took a little something
for the pain,

Absolutely not.

So, we'll give you
an epidural. It's perfectly
safe for you

and it won't hurt
the baby one bit.

Okay.
Okay?

Okay, good girl.

Okay.

How, how we doing, honey?

I'm okay. I decided
I'll just take a little
something for the pain.

Does somebody want
drugs in here?

Yeah. But you better
hook her up first, okay?

Don't worry. In a few minutes,
you won't feel a thing.

God bless you.

Shoot it. Shoot it.
He's gonna shoot.
He's not gonna shoot yet.

Checks Brendan into the glass.
He shoots.

It's deflected,
but he gets the puck.

With one minute left
in the final game of
the Stanley Cup,

he shoots...

He scores!

JT Lambert wins
the Stanley Cup.

Yes, yes, yes!

You did that on purpose.

No, I didn't. I was just
trying to score a goal.

Hitting you in the face
was a bonus.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you go down
to the morgue and take a nap?

Just shut up, Dana.

Snappy comeback.

Snappy comeback.
Why don't you go snap
your your bra.

You know what? I am so sick
of you and your...

You're so sick of everything.
...whole lowbrow, low
mouth-breathing family.

Quack, quack, quack, quack...
Why don't all you
Lamberts go back...

Quack, quack, quack, quack.
...and drag your knuckles
back into a cave.

All right, all right.
Hey, ho, hey.

All right, now.
That is enough.

Man, all you ever do
is beef each other.

We've been stuck here
for three hours with
the Foster geeks.

What else are we
supposed to do?

Why don't you try being
nice to each other?

Well, maybe you guys
don't realize this,

but you all seem a lot
happier when you're helping
each other out.

When have we ever done that?

Well, don't you remember
the time you got dumped
at the prom?

Hey, mighty JT was there
to bail you out.

Dana.
JT.

I really don't need
any grief right now.

I know. I know. I just came
to tell you that Jeff guy's
a real jerk.

No.

I'm a jerk for thinking
he'd want to go out with me
instead of Pam Taylor.

All right,
the spotlight dance is
about to begin,

led by our Student
Body President, Dana Foster.

Great.

This is perfect.
Now everybody's gonna know
what a complete fool I am.

Dana.

You're not a fool. You...

You just picked the wrong guy
to go to the prom with.

I'm going to be
totally humiliated.

Dana, I'm here with
a thirteen-year-old.

I think I know a bit
about humiliation.

Look...

I know you're
kind of stuck, so...

How about for
the spotlight dance,

you let me be your escort?

You would do that for me?

After all the things
I've said about you?

Hey, your insults
don't bother me.

JT, I called you a greaseball,

a low-life, a scum, ape boy...

Okay, all right, fine, fine,
they bother me a little bit.

But you know, I just figure
you're teasing me the way
I tease you.

Dana, we really need you
for the spotlight dance.

So, what do you say?

Once around the dance floor
with old ape-boy?

Thanks, JT.

No problem, Barky.

Knuckle-dragger.

Fish-face.

Mouth-breather.

Warm fuzzies anybody?

Yeah, so one time we were like
the Brady Bunch.

I think it is high time
that you all drop this
Foster-Lambert business

once and for all.

I mean, once that baby comes
out, you guys are going to be
permanently joined by blood.

One family, under God,

indivisible, with liberty
and justice for all.

Dig it?

Hey, anybody want to come
and meet your new baby sister?

Dude, it's a baby.
It's a girl.

All right, man.

Dude, I knew it was gonna
be a girl, man.Yeah?

Yeah. Check it out.
Here, I wrote "girl"
on my left hand.

Course, I wrote "boy"
on my right hand.

But I'm left handed, so see,
I knew it was gonna be a girl.

I knew it. All right!

Hey, so, Frank, how's Mom?

Yeah, she's just fine.
She wants to see everyone,
so go on.

All right, cool.
Yeah, go.

And how's the proud Dad?

Just about the happiest guy
in the whole world, son.

Yes. You're so beautiful.

So tired.

My, yes, yes.

Hello, baby.
You're so beautiful.

Yes you are. Yes you are.

You are so beautiful.
Yeah, yes you are.

Look what I got, honey.

Yes, yes.

Here's all your brothers
and sisters.

- And the Codeman.
- And your cousin.

Wow, she's beautiful.

Yes.

I can't believe
how tiny she is.

Yeah, me, neither.
She didn't seem so tiny
a couple of hours ago.

Have you thought
of a name yet?-

Her name is Lilly.

Lilly Lambert. That's cool.

Actually, her full name
is Lilly Foster Lambert.

Yeah, what'd I tell you,
Foster Lambert.

One family. All right.
All blended.

So, who wants to hold
their baby sister first?

I think Dana should
go first, you know.
Since she's the oldest.

Well, I don't
have to go first.

I mean, if somebody else
wants to go.

C'mon, put your arms around
the little bundle of joy.

Here you go. Okay, now,
support her head.

There you go. There you go.

My God.

You're so soft.

Look at those
little hands.

How could anybody have
such tiny little hands?

Careful, Dana,
that's my sister
you're holding.

She's your sister all right.
She just peed all over me.

Here, I'll take her.

Thank you.

Good girl.

Yeah.

Okay, everybody.
Now, stand back.

I want to get a picture
of Carol with the baby.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay, Lilly. It's time
for your close-up.

Come on, Lilly,
give us a big smile.

Wow, that's my daddy.

Lilly, come on.

What a goon.

Hey, easy with the flash.
I just spent nine months
in a cave.

Hey, come on, everybody.
Come on and make
a funny face for Lilly.

See if we can
get her to smile.
Come here. Come on.

Come on. Weird face.

God. I hope I have
my own room.