Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 22 - Adventures in Babysitting - full transcript

Yeah, well, you see,
the thing is, I think
that I'm going into labor.

Are you sure that you can't
find Frank anywhere
on the construction site?

Well, he got a new
fishing magazine. Have you
checked the Porta-potty?

Thanks.

Well, if you find him,
please tell him to call
home immediately. Okay?

Thanks.

- Hey, Carol.
- Cody, Cody,
I need your help.

I can't find
Frank and I think
I'm having the baby.

The baby?
The baby?

Now? My God!
My God!

- Dude, dude.
- What's going on?



Dude! Dude! Baby!
Baby! My God!

Mayday! Mayday!
Baby alert!

Cody, what's going on?
Is Mom going into labor?

Yeah, buddy.
Hey, I'll boil the water.
You go fetch a midwife.

Cody, Cody,
calm down, this isn't,
"Little House on the Prairie."

We'll just... We'll get her
in the car and we'll get
her to the hospital.

The hospital.
Yeah, good idea.

They're used to handling
this kind of stuff. Okay.

Mom!

-Are you okay?
-Yes, it wasn't labor.

It was just... gas.

Gas?

Man!

You mean this
whole thing's like just
one big giant gas bubble?



Dude, clear
the runway, man.

When that sucker goes off,
it's gonna be lethal.

Man.

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Kirk to Enterprise.

Come in Enterprise.
Scotty, I need more power...

And I need it now!

Cap'n, I got it at warp
factor eight now.

If I give her any more,
she'll blow!

Yes, okay.

-Hey, cool phone.
Can I use it?
-Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Son, this is not a toy.

Yeah, right,
Captain Kirk.

JT, this phone
has one purpose only.

It's so if Carol
goes into labor,

she can reach me
wherever I am.

Well, can't they
just put a phone in
the Porta-potty for you?

Probably not. It took me
three months just to get
a reading light in there.

-Hey, Dad.
-Yeah.

-I have got great news.
-What?

-Okay, my friend, Kelly--
-Yeah?

Is going to Disneyland
this summer and her
parents said I could go too,

if I could come up with
500 bucks for the airfare.

- That is good news.
- Yeah.

-So anyway, I need a favor.
-No, you can't have $500.

Why not?

Don't you love me?

Not 500 dollars worth.

He doesn't even love me enough
to let me use the flip-phone.

Al, if you need money,
why don't you go get a job?

I tried. There aren't any.

Well, how about...
I don't know...
babysitting?

Great, Dad.

Three bucks an hour,
I should make it to Disneyland
by the time I'm 80.

I'll go on the Teacups,
my teeth will fly out.

Listen, Al,
if you want money,

you're gonna have
to earn it the hard way
just like the rest of us.

There's no such thing
as easy money.

One last pitch.

How about...
an advance on my inheritance?

That's funny.
Inheritance?

Al, I'm a construction worker.
I've got six kids
and one in the oven.

We're watering-down
ketchup as it is.

Inheritance! That's so cute.

Man, he is so cheap.

Forget about him, Al.

I got a plan.

And it's gonna make us
a ton of money.

Really? How?

Babysitting.

Attention, moron, you cannot
make money babysitting.

Not if you babysit one kid...

But what if you go for volume?

Okay, ten kids, at three bucks
an hour, times four hours.

That's...
a whole lot of money.

Yeah, well, how am I supposed
to babysit for ten kids?

Easy. We'll do it together
and split the money.

How hard can it be
to handle a bunch of kids?

- It could work.
- Of course it'll work.

Okay, Dad and Carol aren't
going to be home this Friday.
We'll do it. What do you say?

I say, "I'm going
to Disneyland."

Yeah, buddy.

Karen, we've been
shopping for three hours.

Haven't you found
a prom dress
that you like yet?

Mom, are you
in a hurry or something?

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just
eight months pregnant,

been on my feet
since seven a.m.,

but, you take
your time, honey.

I'll let you know
if my water breaks.

How are we doing over here?

Well, all of these
are rejects.

Well, it takes some time
to find the perfect
prom dress.

Yeah, well, it took
less time to build
The Great Wall of China.

What do you think?

Wow, that's sexy.

We may need a jacket.

I don't know...

It's a good first
impression dress.

I can definitely
hear the "wows."

But, I don't know
if it has any staying power.

I mean, what's
this dress going
to look like at midnight?

Well, if you don't
make up your mind soon,
we may find out.

Mother, this prom
means a lot to me.

My date is a very special guy.

I really think I could
end up marrying him.

Marrying him?

I've never even
heard you talk about him.
What's his name?

-Brad.
-Brad what?

I don't know.
I just met him yesterday.

Yes.
Her baby hotline!

Honey, it's me.
Hi, yeah...

J.T?

J.T, I told you never
to call me on this phone.

I'm sorry, son, I'm sorry.

I didn't know
it was an emergency.
What is it?

No, I do not know
where the TV remote is.

JT...

Listen to me very carefully.

If you call me again,
I'll have you killed.

Love 'ya.

-Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey...
-Hey, Code.

-I got that molding
you wanted.
-Aw, thanks, thanks.

Yeah. Hey, dude.

I sent a couple guys down
on a lumber run, you know,
and I told them that

since they'd be cruising right
by the hardware store, to pick
up that PVC pipe we needed.

Hey, Mr. Lambert,
you were right.

The, first floor bathroom
was right
where you said it was.

It was on the first floor.

I've been in construction
a lot-of years, Dave.

Cool.

Yeah. Anyway, Cody,
listen, you've been doing
such a great job for me,

that I've decided to,
make you my foreman.

Foreman?

Dude, you messing
with my head?

No, no. I mean it. It will
really help me out, okay.

I mean, when the baby comes,
I'm gonna want to spend
more time at home.

And that way,
you can cover for me.

Raging?

The Code-man
as the Fore-man.

Yeah, dude. Yeah... buddy.

Yeah, the lead dog,
the head honcho,
el burrito supreme-o.

Listen, one of your first
jobs as foreman is

to go over there and tell
the new guy, Dave, to speed up
his work a little bit. Okay?

And also tell him to put
those nails a little closer
together on the casing?

Wow, man, you mean,
I got to tell people
what to do, Uncle Frank?

Doesn't that seem
kind of bossy?

Cody, you're the foreman.
That means you're the boss.

Yeah, I know.
But, I always thought
it kind of just meant

you got to drive
the big truck.

Yeah...

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

-Hey, dude. Hey.
-Hey.

Hey, Dave, dude. I'm Cody.

The new foreman.

-Hey, congratulations.
-Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, listen. I just wanted
to tell you, you know,

you're doing a totally
awesome job over here,
you know.

Thanks.

But if there is any way
you can, kind of like,
speed it up a little bit

and, like, put those
nails just a little bit
closer together,

so like, the door casing
doesn't fall off the wall.

You know,
that'd be totally cool.

- It's easier this way.
- That's cool, too.

Man, I don't know
if I can keep coming down
on guys like this, you know.

Hey, the kids are going
to be here any minute.

Any chance you can get off
your fat butt and help me?

Al, what's there to do?
We just stick 'em
in front of the TV,

stuff 'em full of candy,
and four hours later,
we're rich.

All right.
Bring on the bucks.

- Stop it!
- Just stop!

Stop it!
Kids, stop it!
Stop! Stop!

- Stop it. Stop it!
- Stop! Stop! Stop!

Hello, JT.

Hi, Mrs. Weber.

And look at this,
it's the lovely
Weber children.

Yeah, whatever.

I'll pick 'em up at ten.

Hi...

-Hi, kids.
-You're ugly.

Well, aren't you just
a precious little thing?

Hey, I'm Al. I'll be
sitting with JT.

Hello, hot lips!

-Hey.
-Where have you been
all my life?

Excuse me?

I think you and me could
make beautiful music together.

I think you need some ice
down your pants.

Whatever
turns you on, babe.

Okay, kids, who wants candy?

-I do, I do.
-I want candy.

Okay, follow me.

I'm He-Man.

You better cut that out
or you'll be " She" Man.

Finally. We're alone.

Why don't you
pour us a drink

and we'll get to
know each other.

Listen here,
you little pervert...

I'm in high school
and you're still
wearing cartoon underpants.

So can the hoochie-coochie
talk or I'll take you to
the vet and have you fixed.

You are
a feisty one.

Sit down!

Is this JT's
Babysitting Service?

Yeah.

Okay, kids, this is the place.

Everybody out of the bus.

Bus?

Church kids.
Very well behaved.

I wouldn't give them
any more sugar.

Here's their names,
phone numbers. Good luck.

Where are you going?

I've been with these kids
since dawn. I need a drink.

This is not good.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

All right there, Lambert.

No personal phone calls
during working hours.
You know that.

Too tough?

No, Cody. As a matter of fact,
sometimes you've got to be
tough to get the job done.

As a matter of fact, Cody,
I think you're gonna have to
be tougher with the new guy.

He hasn't done
a thing right all day.

Yeah. So what
do you want me to do?

Like, go over there
and, like, give him
a real disapproving sigh?

No, I want you to go
over there and fire him.

Fire him?

Dude. I don't know
if I can do that.

Okay, listen, how about
if I give him a sigh
and a really gnarly scowl.

Cody! We have a schedule
to keep here.

We can't afford to correct
his mistakes all the time.

Now I want you to get tough,
go over there, and fire him.

All right. Heavy is the butt
that wears the crown?

- Hey, Dave.
- Hey.

Remember me?
El burrito supreme-o?

-Yeah. How's it going?
-Yeah. You know, funny
you should mention "going."

Yeah.

You know how sometimes
you like wake up
in the morning

and you just don't feel
like going to work?

Yeah, I sure do.

All right, from now on,
go with that feeling.

Wait. Are you saying
I'm fired?

Yeah, but I like the way
you say it a lot better.

Man, I'm really
sorry to hear that.

I mean, I don't want to
burden you with my problems

or anything,
but I've got five kids.

You know, two of them
need braces, and one
of them needs an operation,

and my wife
just told me this morning,
she's expecting twins.

Twins? Dude...

Sounds like your life's
going around the bowl
and down the hole.

Man.

I'll tell you what, man.
Why don't you just like
grab a seat right here

and, I'll go see
if I can save your job.

-Cool. I'll take a break.
-Yeah, dude.

Man!

Well, did you fire him?

Yeah, Uncle Frank, man.
I couldn't give him
the old heave-ho.

Did you know
his kids are sick?

Yeah. And his wife's
expecting twins. Dude...

Cody, Dave isn't even married.

He just told you
that sob story
so he could keep his job.

You mean, he lied to me?

Yes, he lied to you.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

You slung me the bull
and now you're fired.

-You saying I'm fired again?
-That's right.

But this time, I mean it.

You're fired. Hit the bricks.

Don't let the door hit 'ya
where the good Lord split'ya.

Dude...

Boy, I know he deserved it,
man, but that's got to be
the toughest thing I ever did.

Man, that feels terrible.

Well, Cody, you shouldn't.
I mean, you did what
needed to be done.

- Really?
- Yeah.

-You feel okay about it?
-You bet.

Good.

- 'Cause Dave's
stealing your truck.

- Cody! Get him!
- Dude...

Get out, you brat!

Get out of the fireplace,
you little creep.

Help me! Help me!

You're bigger than them.
How did this happen?

They ganged up on me.
There were hundreds of them.

My God.

Man, am I glad
to see you guys.

What is all this?

JT and I are trying
to babysit for 30 kids

and things got
a little out of hand.

Look. All right, guys,
you've got to help us.

What do you think, Mark?
Should we help them?

Well, it would be
the noble thing to do.

Nah!

Frank, your genius children
have done it again.

Freeze!

You...

and you, in the kitchen, now.

Give me that.

All right...

Just let me help you here.
Okay.

You just go in there with
the rest of them, all right.

Okay...

Start talking.

Well, I knew how much Al
wanted to go to Disneyland

so, being the loving
brother that I am,

I suggested we start
a babysitting service.

Well, what ever gave you
the idea that

you could use my house
as a day care center?

We didn't think
you'd find out.

You said you weren't
gonna be home until midnight.

Which brings up
a very interesting point.

You lied to us.

Is that the kind of father
you want to be?

A liar?

Be a good time
for me to shut up?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Look, Dad, um...

I'm real sorry about all this.

I guess...

I just really wanted
to go on that vacation
with my friend,

and... I got desperate.

Look, Al, I know
you were in a big hurry
to buy that airplane ticket,

but I told you,
there is no such thing
as easy money.

Yeah, I guess all the money
we made tonight is gonna go
towards the damages?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Now, I want you two
to clean this kitchen, now.

I'm gonna go phone
the parents of those kids.

Man, now I'm never gonna
get to go to California
with my friend.

Not necessarily.

Al, I have got an idea

that is gonna make us
a ton of money.

Check it out.

We import and distribute
exotic reptiles.

You're an idiot.

No, no, no. It's gonna work.
Check this out.

We'll hitchhike to Mexico,
wear really baggy pants,

and we'll stuff like snakes
and lizards down our pants.

What could go wrong with that?

That's it
for the eleven o'clock news.

We'll be off the air
until six a.m. Good night.

Herbie, what do you think?

Mom, Ethel, wake up.

What?

I found it.
The perfect prom dress.

What do you think?

Wow.

You look beautiful.

I'll take it.

Hallelujah!

Now, what about shoes?