Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 2 - College Bound - full transcript

CODY: Mail call.

Step right up

and get your red-hot mail.

That's it, grab your postals
while they're hot, huh.

[CODY CHUCKLES]

Uh, Cody, why are you
all dressed up like a mailman?

Oh, you noticed, cool.

Well, interesting story,
Uncle Frank.

I went out this morning
to pull sweet potatoes
for old Mrs. Cudahay.

You know that old lady
who's always

bending over in her garden and



everybody wishes she wouldn't?

-[BOTH SHUDDER]
-CODY: Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Anyway, I'm out there
yanking her yams,

when I see this postal dude
get in a tussle with
this mangey mongrel.

So I spring into action,

pry off the pooch,

and replace the divot
in the mailman's butt.

[CHUCKLES] Anyway.

The guy decides to quit
the postal biz and gives me
this really cool outfit.

So am I stylin', or what?

FRANK: Totally.
CODY: Yeah?

Hey, check this out.

The Monument Bank
just sent me a credit card.

Hey, check this out.
I'm taking it away from you.



JT: Why?

Oh, come on, JT.

Giving a teenager
a credit card is like

giving a baby a jock strap.

They're not ready for it yet.

Dad, I'm 18 years old,

I think I can handle
a credit card.

Okay, I can see this is
one of those lessons

you're going to have to learn
all on your own.

Like looking for snakes before
you pee in the woods.

Okay.

But I'm warning you,

you are going to end up
buying a lot of junk

and running up a huge bill
before you know it.

Man,

why don't parents
ever trust us kids?

I mean, it's like they think
we don't even have a brain
or something.

Yeah. Go figure.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

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[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken
Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future
Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be
A second time around?

♪ Woah-oh, woah-oh

♪ When the tears are over
And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord,
I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together
For the second time around

♪ Step by step
Day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over
A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall
The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll be better
The second time around

♪ Step by step
Day by day

♪ We'll be better
The second time around ♪

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

CAROL: Ooh. [GIGGLING]

Mom, is this

photo session truly necessary?

Yes.

This is your first day
of college,

I want to record it all
in your "Dana" book.

"Dana" book?

Yeah, see it's got
pictures of all of Dana's
important firsts.

Now look at this.
[GASPS] Aww.

Her first step,

[GASPS] and her first haircut.

Oh, jeez.

[GASPS]
And there's her first kiss.

First kiss?

-What did you do, spy on her?
-Yes.

No, I did not spy.

When you came home
from your date, I just

happened to be up
in the tree with a camera,

a zoom lens
and some infrared film.

If I were you,
I'd check under the bed
on your wedding night.

Otherwise, you might end up on America's Funniest Home Videos.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Mom, please!

Put the camera away.

I mean, it's not like
I'm going to a real college.

Oh, Dana, come on,
don't start in again
with that,

"I could have gone to Harvard,
but my parents are too cheap."

Well, it's true.

I mean, instead
I'm stuck living at home,

going to
East Wisconsin University.

There is nothing wrong
with East Wis U.

First of all, it sounds like
Cheez Whiz U.

Second of all,
it's a rinky dink school.

I need a challenge.

I got a challenge for you.

Why don't you try
getting a date
once in a while?

You know, it might
improve your mood.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

[SIGHS]

Dana, East Wis U
is not a rinky dink school.

A lot of important people
went there.

Name one.

Well,

there's, um, Myron Tate,

who invented those
little rubber flower thingies

that keep you from
slipping in the tub.

Gee,

all Harvard has is
six ex-presidents.

Good thing
I'm going to good ol'
Cheez Whiz U, where I can

major in bathroom technology.

Look, Dana, we have six kids.

The only way that
we can afford to send

all of them to college is

if they all live at home
and they all attend
a public university.

[SIGHS]

So what are you saying?
You want us all to have

an equal opportunity
to get a higher education?

Yes.

That is so selfish.

[INAUDIBLE]

Nope.

Wrong-o.

Oh, pathetic.

Hey, Mark, can you do this?

-Of course. Hold this.
-Sure.

Whoa, Mark. [CHUCKLES]

That must have been
some gnarly zit.

[LAUGHING] Wow.

Man, I'd hate to see
the bathroom mirror.

Uh, excuse me,

where do you want this stuff?

Oh, right over here, dude.

BRENDAN: Whoa, a new stereo.

MARK: And a VCR,

and a color TV.

Whoa, where did all this
stuff come from?

Well, JT kind of went into
warp speed with his
new credit card.

Well, I thought his card had
a $500 limit.

It does. But as soon as
he used it at the
department store,

they gave him
their own credit card.

So did the stereo store,

the record store,
and every other store
in the mall.

Pretty soon he had
more plastic on him than Cher.

Right this way.

You can put
the karaoke machine
over here.

All right, boys,
thanks a lot
for your help.

I appreciate it.
Love ya all. All right.

JT, you look like
Smokey the Pimp.

I know, huh,
am I pretty cool or what?
[CHUCKLES]

Have you lost your mind?

You can't possibly
pay for all this.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But then JT explained to me
his philosophy
on credit cards.

Go ahead, JT,
explain your theory.

Maybe this time
it won't sound like
complete bull dookie.

Well, see,
it's actually very simple.

A credit card is
a financial vehicle

wherein the card holder
can amortize

his principal payments
over a long period of time,

thereby reducing his monthly
fiscal responsibilities.

Nope, still bull dookie.

Look, all I'm saying is
you don't have to
pay it all off all at once.

You can just give them
like a couple bucks a month.

-[CELL PHONE RINGS]
-Oh, it's probably for me.

JT Lambert, talk to me, babe.

Satellite dish?

Yeah, I'd be interested.

Could I order that
with a credit card?

[CHUCKLES] Love that.

BALDWIN: Well,
all things considered,

it's been
a pretty good first week.

Next week, we'll be discussing Tom Jones.

All right,
that's it for today.

You can pick up your papers on
Sir Walter Scott

on your way out.

For the most part,
they were exactly
what I expected

from first year students.

There was, however,

one paper, which
stood out from the group.

I'd like to see Dana Foster
after class, please.

[DANA CHUCKLING]

The rest of you can go.

That's me. [GIGGLING]

I had a feeling I aced it.

You know, I could have
gone to Harvard,
but my parents were too cheap.

Hi, Professor Baldwin.

I'm Dana Foster,

the one who stood out
from the group.

Ah, Miss Foster.

You know, every year

I get one student

just like you.

One whose personality just
seems to leap off the page.

I'll bet you were
valedictorian of your class...

National Merit Scholar...

Right, right,
Honor Society Chairman,

President of Debate Club,
Study Hall Monitor but, uh,

I hate to brag.

So I see.

I also noticed you're quite

proud of your vocabulary.

Just about every other word
in your paper has

four or five syllables.

-Indubitably.
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Well, I hope you're
still laughing when
you see your grade.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

A "D"?

You gave me a "D"?

Why?

Let me explain it to you
with one

really long word

and one itty-bitty little one.

This paper
is supercilious crap.

Crap?

Good word, isn't it?

Short. To the point.

Unmistakable in its meaning.

But I thought
I wrote a pretty good paper.

Well, you thought wrong.

This paper is filled with
big words and absolutely
no substance.

The purpose of language
is to communicate.

The only thing
you communicated

was your inflated opinion
of your own intellect.

Now, that sort of drivel
may have wowed them

at your high school,

but I'm afraid it's
not going to cut it
here at "Cheez Whiz U."

I've never
had a "D" in my life.

How am I going to explain this
to my mother?

I don't know.

I suppose you've got
a bit of a...

conundrum. [LAUGHS]

WOMAN: [ON TV]
How would you like a rich,

steaming cup of cappuccino

anytime you want it?

Well, then pick up the phone

and call the number
on your screen.

Use your credit card.

Don't mind if I do.

[SIGHS]

I love speed dial.

Hi, JT Lambert here.

Yeah, I just talked to you
about five minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah, I'd like to
order the cappuccino machine.

No, no, no, just put it
on the same credit card
as the home tanning bed.

Okay, thanks. Ciao.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Dad, hey, Carol.
Check out my new tube.

It's high resolution.

Well, JT, you have really
outdone yourself this time.

You know, I thought
you might go overboard,

but I believe
you have actually drowned.

JT, are you crazy?

You can't go around buying

a TV and a VCR and...
Is that a real mink?

You bet ya.

Oh, could I try it on?

-Sure.
-CAROL: Oh.

[STAMMERS]
Uh, Carol, honey,
now don't...

don't encourage him.

I'm not encouraging him.
It's all going back.

[GASPING] Oh.

Oh, it fits perfectly.

Aw, jeez.

All right, JT, how do you

plan on
paying for all of this?

Don't have a cow, Dad,
all right.

You just have to pay
couple bucks a month per card.

Per card?

How many cards do you have?

I don't know.

What does that look like,
about 15?

Fifteen?

JT, I want to check
the balance on these cards.

Oh, that's fine with me.
Here, here,

use my cellular phone.
I get frequent flyer miles
every minute I use it.

Well, you may be taking a trip
a lot sooner than you think.

Oh, JT, you know,
ever since
I was a little girl

I always dreamed that
I would have

a full-length mink coat
just like this one.

[SIGHS] And then I'd wear
a beautiful gown and

some movie star
like William Holden in

Love is
a Many-Splendored Thing
would just

sweep me off my feet.

-[CAROL GASPS]
-FRANK: Carol.

It's going back.

I know. Don't have a cow.

Ah, yeah, hello, this is, uh,

this is JT Lambert.

I'd like to check the balance
on my card,

number three, four, two, five,
seven, eight, nine, one.

Oh.

Son.

Would you repeat that
for me, please?

Seventeen hundred dollars

on one card?
That's impossible.

I just bought a few things.

A few things? Son,
this place looks like the set
for The Price is Right.

Now, I'm just guessing here,

but I would estimate that
you have charged up about

-$20,000.
-[CAROL GASPS]

Twenty thousand dollars?

That's exactly what
I warned you about.

Twenty thousand dollars?

Man, I can't afford that.

These credit cards
are dangerous.

Why didn't somebody warn me?

JT, when I talk to you,

do the words actually
stop in your head,

or do they just whiz through
without slowing down?

Sorry, Dad,
did you say something?

Yes. Say goodbye
to your cards.

All this stuff is going back
first thing in the morning.

That's right,
first thing in the morning.

I'll be in charge of
returning the mink.

How can you read those
stupid fashion magazines?

Want to see a picture of
Christian Slater

with his shirt off?

Whoa. Uh...

Can I borrow that
after you're done?

Take it,
he's too shallow for me.

I'm into Fabio.

He's a writer, you know.

Good day at school?

I'm fine. All right,
everything's fine.
So just quit bugging me.

Okay.

I think I'll go down
to the mini mart to see
if Fabio's new book is out.

Whoa. No wonder
you are so crabby.

-You got a "D."
-DANA: Hey! That's private.

A "D"?

Einstein got a "D"?

Oh, man,
I gotta spread the word.

DANA: No!

What's it gonna take
to keep you quiet?

A miracle. [LAUGHS]

Hey, guys! Dana got a "D"
on her English paper!

Shut up! Shut up!
Give me it.

Give me it!
Give it back to me.
Gimme it.

Gimme it.
I'll rip your hair out.

Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots,
Tweety Bird.

Give me it!

A "D"?
Let me see that.

[DANA SHOUTING]

Now, I'm the smartest one
in the family.

The Queen is dead.

Long live the King.

♪ Ow! I feel good

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na

♪ I knew that I would
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

CAROL: All right, stop it!

That's enough! Stop it!

Now, everybody out,
I want to talk to Dana.

Come on, out! Out!

[ALL GROANING]

Out! Out!

Hey, Carol,

her first "D."

Want me to get
a picture of this?

Out!

Dana, what's going on?

Mom, that is a totally
unfair grade.

The professor
is a complete jerk.

He told me that I used
too many big words.

I mean, the idiot probably
didn't even know
what they meant.

It's ridiculous. I mean,

I'm the smartest person
who ever walked into that
stupid school.

They should be giving me A's
just for showing up.

[SIGHS]

You know, Dana,

your ego is
way out of control.

You may have been
the hot ticket at
Port Washington High School,

but there is a great big world
out there.

And you don't have to go
to Harvard to find people
who are smarter than you,

you can find them
at East Wisconsin University,

you can find them
in this house.

You can even find one of them
living in a van
in our driveway.

Oh, please, you're not
going to bring that up
again, are you?

Well, well, well,
I do believe that

Cody scored higher than you
on his SATs...

-I don't want to hear this.
-Cody.

So you can go on thinking
you're the smartest thing that
ever walked into that school,

but if you don't change
your attitude, you're going
to be the smartest one that

ever flunked out.

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪ Love is a many
splendored thing

♪ It's the April rose

♪ That only grows
in the early spring ♪

Carol,

it's time.

No, Frank.

Just let me be alone
with the coat
just a little while longer.

-Please?
-Carol,

I let you wear it to bed
last night.

Yeah, and you
liked that, too,
didn't you?

[GIGGLES] Yeah.

But now it's gotta go back,
honey. Come on now,
it's gotta go.

Come on, c'mon, c'mon.

-Out, out, out--
-Okay, okay.

But the next time the kids
ask me what I want
for Mother's Day,

you tell them I want this.

Oh, yeah, good luck.

Last time, they made you
something out of
pipe cleaners.

Mom.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Sure.

[SIGHS]

I owe you an apology.

I mean,

you're smart

and you're honest

and it really bugs me.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Is that the whole apology,
or are you just warming up?

Well,

you were right. I mean,

my ego was out of control.

But I mean, I've always been
the best student in my class.

So, when I got that "D"
I guess it was

easier for me to blame
the professor than

to think that I'm not really
as smart as I thought I was.

Dana, just because
you got a "D" doesn't mean
you're not smart.

It just means
you're in college now.

It's a lot harder
than high school.

Tell me about it.

Hey, don't get discouraged.

If I know you,
you're gonna
bounce right back,

spend 400 hours in
the library, and you'll be
getting A's in no time.

-Thanks, Mom.
-[CAROL CHUCKLES]

I guess I just

didn't think "Cheez Whiz U"
could be so tough.

Hey, even in a state college,
they don't accept
just anybody.

You're competing with the
brightest students
in the State of Wisconsin.

Yo, Dana. [LAUGHING]

Great news.

I just got accepted to
"Cheez Whiz U."

Huh?

Please tell me
you got accepted
as part of some

medical experiment.

Well, no, but that sounds
like fun, though.

Yeah, I hear they give you
a free breakfast

just for letting them
stick a needle in your head.

[LAUGHS]

I don't understand, Cody.
What made you decide
to go to college?

Well, simple really.

I wanted to enrich my mind,
expand my horizons.

So, it was either that or

join the
Psychic Friends Hotline.

Oh, Dana, you're gonna freak
when you hear this.

I signed up for
all the same classes as you.

Dudesie! [CHUCKLING]

[WHIRRING]

-Hey, Dad.
-Hey, son.

Dad, I just want to tell you

I really learned a lot from
all this credit card business.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

In fact,
I learned so much that

this time I know I can handle
this new card I just got
in the mail.

Give me the card, son.

-Dad, relax.
I'm a changed person.
-Son...

Dad, trust me. This time
I won't overspend.

[WHIRRING]

-Thank you.
-No problem.