Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 3 - Animal House - full transcript

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

Boy, this was one
of those days

I love being in construction.

Yeah, why's that?

Well, cause
it rained all day

and we sat around
playing cards.

I have some news that will
make you feel even better.

- Yeah?
- Brendan joined
the school band.

No,
not the band.

Why? What's wrong
with that, Frank?

Well, nothing,
if you've got
talent, honey.



But he's a Lambert.

We're musical morons.

I mean, sure,
we're good looking,

athletic and
incredible lovers,

but we can't carry
a tune in a scoop shovel.

Well, maybe Brendan
will be the first Lambert
who's a musical genius.

Hey,
Daddy, listen to this.

Well, genius
takes time, Frank.

Well, I'm going
to go practice.

Thanks for making me
join the band, Carol.

You made him
join the band?

No, I didn't
make him, exactly.

I sort of suggested...

Okay, I made him.



Here's
an interesting bit
of historical trivia.

"Whitcomb Judson,
invented the zipper in 1893.

But sadly, mankind
wasn't ready for the zipper

and Judson soon
died penniless,

never knowing
he would someday

become a hero to millions
of people who didn't
have time for buttons."

Isn't that fascinating?

Mark... you need a woman.

Hey, it's Marky Mark
and The Dana burger.

What's happening?

Hey, you guys are not gonna
believe what I decided to do
in college today.

Check this out.

I am joining a fraternity.

That reminds me
of an interesting bit
of historical trivia.

Did you know

that the first fraternity
at East Wisconsin University
was established in 1864?

It was founded
by Jedidiah Caldwell,

a dentist student who hailed
from Kenosha, Wisconsin.

Dude...
Get a hobby.

-Maybe you're right, Cody.
I need to shake up my life.
-Yeah.

I think I'm going
to go upstairs

and part my hair
on the other side.

It's a start.

Cody, what fraternity,
exactly, were you
thinking about joining?

It's that big white house
on the corner with all
the dumpsters in the front.

I think it's called,
Delta Delta Burke.

Yeah, that's it.

You must mean,
Delta Delta Beta.

Cody, you don't want
to hang out with those guys.

They're sexist pigs.

Last week I was
walking by there
and some guy yells out,

"Hey, sweet cheeks,
how about some
afternoon delight?"

Well, what's wrong with that?

I mean, the gentleman

was obviously giving you
a compliment on your
wonderful complexion

and, offered you
a little herbal tea.

Cody, the "gentleman"

was making a chauvinist remark
filled with sexual innuendo.

Sure, if you
want to read
all that stuff into it.

Cody, they keep a live goat
in their living room.

No way!

The Deltas
are animal lovers?

Man, God,
those guys are awesome.

Dude, I'm gonna
fit right in.

Carol, I can't stand it.

It sounds like he's up
there strangling a parrot.

Dad, you've got
to make Brendan stop.

I think my ears are bleeding.

Can we bury
little bugle boy
in the backyard?

No, but we can make him
practice in the garage.

Well, I think you all
have a terrible attitude.

I bet Mozart's father
didn't make him practice
in the garage.

Carol, Mozart was a prodigy
who composed concertos
at the age of three.

It took Brendan that long
just to master big potty.

Hey, guys. Listen to this
cool song I made up.

A one, a two,
a one, two, three, four.

What's it called,
"An Elephant
Horks Up a Hairball?"

No, it's called ,
"Flight of the Eagle."

Sounds like the eagle
just hit a power line.

Well, don't listen
to them, Brendan.
I think it's a nice song.

Really?

I wrote another song.
Want to hear it, everybody?

You know what?
I forgot it's my night
to wash the car.

- I'll help.
- Me, too.

You play it for
Carol though, buddy.

Quick, run.

Go ahead, Brendan.
I'll listen.

Okay, Mr. Slovecke,

tell us why you should be
admitted to Delta Delta Beta.

Well, l have
an inquisitive mind,

good oral hygiene...

and a subscription
to Modern Pathology Weekly

which I'd be
happy to share
with all the brothers.

Well, you sound like
a real barrel of laughs.

Mr. Slovecke?

We'll get back
to you real soon.

You hate me,
don't you?

Pretty much.

Bye bye now.

Next.

Hey.

Wow, this place
is so cool, man!

It's just like my van.

Only bigger...
And messier.

-You must be Mr. Lambert.
-Yeah.

I'm Chad Douglas,
president of
Delta Delta Beta.

Hey, dude.

Why don't you
step up right here

and tell us why you'd
make a good member
of the Delta House.

Cool!
All right now.

Well, first of all,
I'm like a real good listener.

Yeah, sometimes I hear
people even when
there's nobody talking.

And, secondly,
you know, I'm real
good at fixing things,

like cars and bikes and,
like, plumbing and stuff.

Yeah and, probably
the most fascinating
thing about me

is that I can play,
"The Star Spangled Banner"
with my armpit.

Would you all please rise?

No, that's okay.
We've heard plenty.

Would you mind waiting outside
while we make our decision?

Cool,
no problem, man.
Hey, dig it.

I'll just hang out
on the porch

and shoot the breeze
with the goat.

Let's vote.

No.

Hey,
wait a minute.

I've talked
to about 20 chicks

who said that
they'd follow this guy

to any party on campus.

He's like a babe magnet.

Re-count.

Yes!

- Let's go, all right.
- Cody! Cody! Cody!

No way, I'm in?

Do you hear that,
Walter, dude?

Yeah, I'm gonna be
your fraternity brother.

Are we b-a-a-a-d,
or what?

Yeah, cool.

Dude, you guys.
I'm in! I'm a Delta.

Yes, I have joined
the long line of
noble Greeks.

Like Euripides, Socrates,
John Stamos.

-Congratulations, Cody.
-Yeah. Thanks, Kare bear.

Congratulations?

I don't see what's so great
about being admitted
to a chauvinist pigsty.

Well that's where
you're wrong, Dana.

Hey, check it out, man.

The Deltas are having
a party this weekend

and they told me to invite
every woman I saw.

That's right. They want
to be knee deep in babes.

And you thought
they were sexist.

Gee,
what was I thinking?

I don't know.

So, what
do you say, Dana?

Want to go hang out
at the party with me
and my Delta brothers?

I'd rather put
a live porcupine
in my bra.

Okay, if you've
already got plans.

How about you,
Kare bear?

Me?
I I'd love to go.

I mean, going
to a fraternity party is,

is one of the top
ten things I've wanted
to accomplish in my life.

There you go.

Karen.

These guys are slime.

Well, that's what you say.

- Cody thinks they're nice.
- Yeah.

Well, Cody thinks
everybody's nice.

He's too trusting.

But I'm telling you,
you're going to go
to this party,

you're going to have
a bunch of guys ogling you

like you're some
sort of calendar girl.

Really?

I wonder
what I should wear?

Fine. Go to this party.

But I'm telling you,
by the end of the night,

you're going to feel
like a piece of meat.

Because these guys
are rodents.

They're vermin.
They're scum.

She's so negative.

You think she's crabby now,
wait until she stuffs
that porcupine in her bra.

All right, Walter, dude.

You've been eating
way too many cheese puffs.

We better get you outside,
before you explode.

Come on.

That's it buddy.

Hey. How's the party?

Hey, wiki, wiki, hula, hula.

I'm really glad
Cody brought me
to the party. This is fun.

Boy, Karen, I can't believe
you're in high school.
You seem so mature.

Thank you.

And I love this flower
in your hair.

It really brings out
the color in your eyes.

You're just saying
that to flatter me.

Go ahead,
do it some more.

Good idea.

In fact, why don't we
continue this conversation

at the next stop in
the Delta house tour.

Where's that?

My room.

Um, I think I'd rather
stay down here.

No, I guarantee
you'll have a lot more
fun up there.

Look, I don't want
to go up to your room.

Sure you do.
You'll love it--

No. I said no.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.
I just don't want
to go up there.

What are you
a virgin or something?

That's none
of your business.

Wait a minute.
You really are.

Hey, everybody,
guess what we have here?

A real live virgin!

Wow, no lie, a virgin?

Hey, dudes,
virgin in the house!

Virgin!

Stop it!

Stop!

Stop that!

Hey, knock it off!

I said, knock it off!

Chill out, Lambert.
We were just having fun.

Hey, listen, pal,
let'sget something straight,
right now.

You don't go making fun
of somebody because
they're a virgin.

I'm a virgin.

You got a problem with that?

No, I respect your decision.

I knew you would.

And as for the rest
of you monkeys,

where do you guys
get off humiliating
a sweet girl like Karen?

I mean, hey,
disrespecting females
is totally lame. Get a clue.

-You all right?
-Yeah, I'm okay.

- Let's get out of here.
- Good idea.

That guy's a loser.
Who thinks like him, anyway?

I do. You guys are pigs.
I'm out of here.

Me, too.
See you later... Boys.

Big deal,
so two chicks leave.

Okay, three.

Four...

Six...

Ten.

Okay, all of them.

Well, I guess I'm
the only one left
wearing a bra.

Shut up.

-Frank?
-Yeah.

Honey, take a look
at this article.

It's called, "Ten Spicy Ways
to Heat Up Your Love Life."

Who needs spice when you're

married to the Blackened
Catfish of Love?

That does it.

The trumpet is going
in the trash masher.

You can't do that, Frank.
You'll crush his spirit.

I'm not going
to crush his spirit.

I'm going to crush that horn.

Nice attitude, Frank.

What are you going to say
to your son when you take
his trumpet away from him?

I'm going to say,

"Son, I love you,

but you're tone deaf.

You have no business
playing an instrument.

You're a musical moron."

Who is it?

It's me, Brendan.
I need to talk to you.

Go ahead, Frank.

This is your chance to have
that warm father-son moment.

Okay.

All right, son, come in.

Listen. I have to ask you
a really important question.

But you have to promise
to tell the truth.

Of course I promise
to tell the truth.

What What is it?

Okay, here it goes.

Do you think I'm
any good at the trumpet?

Why do you want to know?

Because you're my daddy
and I want to know
what you think.

Go ahead, Frank,
tell your son
what you think.

- Well, son...
- I think...

I think...

I think for a guy

who's only been playing
a couple of days,
you're doing great.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I'm real proud
of the effort
that you put in.

That's great,
because I thought I stunk.

But if you say I'm okay,
then I'm gonna keep playing.

Boy.

-I love you, Daddy.
-I love you, too, son.

Goodnight, Daddy.
Goodnight, Carol.

- Goodnight, sweetheart.
- Goodnight, pal.

Well, I guess
you really told him?

Well, honey, he sat
there looking at me
with those brown eyes,

that little puppy dog face.

I couldn't bear
to break his heart.

Well, I think you did
the right thing, Frank.

- You're a great dad.
- Yeah.

And great dads
are very sexy.

Really?

Tickle me with your whiskers,
you blackened catfish of love.

I love it when
you talk fish talk.

Cody, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Don't bother, Dana.

I know what
you're going to say,

that I'm way too trusting
and that all the Delta
dudes are pigs.

Except for Walter.
He's a goat.

No, Cody, actually,
I was gonna say
thank you for helping Karen.

She told me what
happened at the party.

Yeah, well, Karen wouldn't
have gotten into any trouble
in the first place,

if I hadn't taken
her to that party.

You were right, Dana,
I'm way too trusting.

I'm a sap.

No, you're not.
It was an error
in judgement.

It could happen to anybody.

Yeah, not to you.
You're too smart.

Man, from now on,
I'm going to be
just like you.

Cynical, suspicious,
big chip on my shoulder.

Is that really
the way I come off?

Yeah. Dude, you've
got ice water in your veins.

Strike first
and ask questions later.

You're the Dana-nator.

I don't know,

if I like being known
as a mercenary killer robot.

Well, I'm your friend,
you know,

so I know you're just
trying to protect your
vulnerable inner child.

But, you scare
the bejeezus out of
everybody else.

Cody, if that's really
the way people see me,

I don't think you should
try and be more like me.

I think... and I can't
believe I'm saying this,

that I could be
more like you.

Really? You want
to be more like me?

Well, yeah.

Dude, this is gonna
be so cool.

Hey, I could get you
a really cool van
just like mine.

Dude, and we could trick out
your hair, or something.

And, hey, I could teach you
how to play the guitar

with nothing
but your big toe.

Go ahead, take off
your right shoe.
Come here.

Cody, no,
I don't want to be
exactly like you.

I'm just saying that,

I guess I could lighten up
the attitude a little bit.

I mean, yeah, people
take advantage of you

once in awhile because
you're too trusting.

But, it seems like
you have more fun than I do.

Well, that's just 'cause
you're wound up
a little too tight.

Hey, you know what
I always do when
I want to loosen up?

I sing the blues.

Come on.
Wail with me, Dana.

Everybody!

That's it, Dana.
Shake that groove thing.

Honey,
great news.

We are about to be rich.

A guy at work
wants me to go
into partnership with him

on a new restaurant.
Are you ready for this?

International House of Toast.

International House of Toast?

Yeah. The International
House of Toast.

I-HOT.

Honey, there's gonna be
breads from around the world.

Toasters right at your table.
You toast 'em where you sit.

What do you think?

I think this is why
I have the checkbook.