Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 13 - Can't Buy Me Love - full transcript

Dude, this car is
totally raging.

I can't believe your boss let
a dillweed like you drive it.

Cody, I work in a used car lot
for five bucks an hour.

The least he can
let me do is drive
a Porsche once in a while.

Yeah.

You know, JT,

you could really pick up
chicks in a car like this,
if you were better looking.

That's kind of funny?
I hope you enjoy
walking home.

Man, you guys are gonna
totally love this place.

They got like down-home
cooking, the bottomless
cup of coffee.

Hey, man, they even got this
big old waitress named Bertha
in there,



she always sticks her thumb
in your pie. She's nuts.

Hi, come on in.

- Cody. Cody, who's that?
- Got me.

But she beats the wazooli
out of Bertha.

Hi, I'm Shelley.
The menu's on the blackboard.

Just let me know if you see
something you want.

I think I know
what I want right now.

Come on.

Why would a sweet, classy,
little girl like that

want to have anything to do
with a slacker like you?

Hi. Hi, I'm JT Lambert.

So, are you the proprietor
of this establishment?

No. My dad owns
the restaurant. I'm just
helping out for a while.

I saw you guys drive up.
That's an incredible car
you have.



The Porsche?
He doesn't own that.

She's right. I lease,
that's what I do. I lease.

Look, why don't you two
go grab us a table,

and I'll give the order
to our lovely
waitress here?

So, Shelley.
you like Porsches?

I love 'em.
But they're really expensive.

You must have
a pretty good job.

Well, let's just say,
I have a small interest
in a car dealership.

It's a family business.
Inherited money.

Kind of like the Kennedys.

Hey, I got an idea.

You like Porsches,
and I own one.

So, why don't you let me
take you for ride sometime?

Sounds good. I get off at six.

Then six it is.

Shelley, I got two burgers up.

Be right there, Pop.

I'll be right back.

Cody. Cody, man,
did you hear that?
She's gonna go out with me.

Yeah, but you lied.

I know, and it worked.

Dude, what's with all this
big con job, man?

Why don't you just
be yourself?

Because, Cody, "myself"
hasn't had a date
in three months.

Okay, put this wing
in there, and...

Hi, Frank.

Hi, honey.

Good news, Frank.
We've got an appointment
with the doctor on Tuesday.

Well, one of us
certainly does need a doctor.

No, Frank, I mean,
we have an appointment
with the gynecologist.

Carol, I don't have
a gynecologist.

I have nothing
for him to gyno.

Come on, Frank.
It's our baby's
four-month check up.

I want us to go together.

Honey, I'm not going
to be comfortable going into
a gynecologist' s office.

You know,
I don't understand, Frank.

When your first wife
was pregnant, didn't you
go to the doctor with her?

No, she did her job,
I did mine.

And yours was...

I planted the seed,

which is a pretty
important job.

Well, I want us
to go together.

When it comes to the baby,
we're a team, Frank.

All right, okay, fine.
I'll go with ya.

Man, plant the seed,
go to the gyno, I have to do
everything around here.

Man, thanks for
another great meal.

JT, you've been spending
so much time in here lately.

Don't you ever
have to be at work?

Well, when your family
owns their own business,

you kind of call
your own shots, you know?

Excuse me, Shelley,

it's getting
a little thick in here.

I think I'm gonna step outside
and get some air.

You know, don't mind him.
He's claustrophobic.

Hey, look. Tonight,
I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Now, wear something real
fancy. I'm getting tickets to Phantom of the Opera.

Sounds good.

Bye.

Hey, Cody! Cody, Cody,

lend me 50 bucks
so I can go to
the theatre tonight.

No way, dude.

The Bank of Codeman is closed.

I'm tired of you lying
to that sweet little girl.

Come on, Cody.
I don't like lying
to Shelley.

I just gotta, you know,
find the right time
to tell her the truth.

Yeah? And when might that be?

Next week?
Next year?

Fine, Cody.
You're not gonna help me?

No problem.
I'll just find the money
somewhere else, all right?

Yeah, don't you lead
a rich fantasy life?

What do you think
it's gonna do?

Money is just gonna
drop out of the sky
and fall at your feet?

Cody. Cody, check this out.
An envelope full of money.

No way!

Hey, Dude!
Can I have
a motorcycle?

Man, there's gotta be
over a thousand bucks in here.
I'm rich!

Hey, man, I'm gonna go buy
Shelley a really neat gift

that's gonna knock
her socks off.

Hello in there.

You can't spend
that money, dude.

It's gotta belong to somebody.

Yeah, right.
Probably a crook.

Who else carries
this much money
in an envelope?

Now look, the way I figure,
if I keep it,

it's like I'm taking
a bite out of crime.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I tell ya,
something bites around here,

but it sure ain't the crime.

The doctor will be
with you shortly.

Just make
yourselves comfortable.

Thanks.

Look, Frank.

It's a model of
a baby in the womb.

Aw, man.

Honey, you know,
I'm really not very
comfortable in here.

Geez.

I mean, come on.
There're stirrups here
and rubber gloves and wombs.

Can't I just wait in the car?

Frank, this is not
just my baby.

This is our baby.
We're supposed to
be a team on this.

Okay, okay.

You're right,
I promised,
and I'm sorry.

We're... We're gonna be
a team, okay?

Hey, knock it off.
That's what got you here
in the first place.

Hi, Dr. Postley.
This is my husband, Frank.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Doc.

You know, it's nice
to see a husband in here.

A lot of men
are uncomfortable
at the gynecologist.

You're kidding?

You know, it's jerks like that
that give sensitive, caring
guys like me a bad name.

Okay, we're going to do
something really fun today.

We're gonna take
our first sonogram, see
what he baby looks like.

So, Carol, I'm gonna
ask you to hop up here,

get comfortable,

lift up your shirt,
and just relax.Okay.

Okay, honey.

Okay.

Woo, this is nice.

Are we really going to be
able to see the baby
on this little TV?

Absolutely.

Wow!

Okay.

This is gonna be
a little cold.

What's all that glop?

It's a lubricant. Kind of
turns your wife's belly
into a "Slip 'n Slide."

Doc,

can you buy that stuff
over the counter?

Here, Frank,
knock yourself out.

Okay, let's see
what this baby looks like.

See if it looks like Frank

or that good looking guy
who works at the gas station.

Frank, I see it.

That's it.
That's our baby.

And it's a boy.

Frank, that's an arm.

Well, that explains
why there's two.

I just figured
he was gifted.

Can you tell
if it's a girl or a boy?No, it's too early.

But everything looks A-okay.

This is incredible.
Honey, that's our baby.

I made that!

Okay, I'm gonna
freeze frame this for you.

Before you go,
I'll print up a picture
of the baby.

You get to take it,
along with a video tape home

Okay. Hey, buddy,
we'll see ya later.

We'll see you
in the delivery room.

I'll be the one smiling.

Hey, Shelley. I know
I was here earlier,

but I got a little
surprise for you.

Good, I could use a surprise.

Tough day?

Yeah, really tough.

Yeah, well, maybe
this might cheer you up.

Okay, you hate it.
No problem. I'll just
go jump off a bridge.

No, JT. I love it.
This is really sweet of you.

It's just that
my dad went to deposit
last week's receipts,

and somewhere between
here and the bank,
he dropped the envelope.

The envelope?

With money in it?

My dad's a wreck.

Yeah.

I'm not,
feeling too good myself.

Be careful of the door sill,
honey, and don't trip
on the rug, all right?

Just stand there, now.

Now, here. I got it.
I got it. Don't do that.

Okay?
Everything all right?

Hey buddy, did you enjoy
that ride home?

Yeah, we loved it, Frank.
Especially stopping
at Sparky's Tavern,

so you could show
all your friends
"what you made".

Okay.
Hey, everybody,

come on in here
in the living room.

I have something
I want to show you.
Come on.

What's up?

I have got a great new video.

All right!
Is it Terminator 2?

I wanna see
that guy's head
split open again

No, no,
it's better than that.

It's a sonogram
of your new baby brother
or sister.

What's a sonogram?

It's an ultrasonic picture
that allows the doctors to
visualize the fetus in utero.

What?

It's a movie of the baby.

Okay, everybody. Here we go.

That's it?

How come
it's in black and white?

Doesn't this thing
come in color?

Just forget about color. Now,
that is the baby, right there.

It's just sitting there.

Doing nothing.

Obviously a Lambert.

This is lame.

Call me when he does
something interesting.

Ordinarily, I'm a big fan
of reproductive videos,

but this one's a real snooze.

Yeah, Mom, I mean,
can't you give the kid
a little goose?

You know,
get it to swim around
or roll over or something?

Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint you, Karen.

I'll try to have
a more entertaining
pregnancy next time.

Ho-ho, no.

We cannot have
an eighth child.

Frank, I have
two words for you.

"Snip, snip."

The mighty jalapeno.

Yeah, buddy.

All right.

Cody, man,
I got a big problem.

Yeah, you sure do.

You're a lying sack
of doo-doo.

I know, man.
But this is worse.

You know that envelope
of money I found?

It belongs to Shelley's dad.

Aw, yeah?

Gee, you found an envelope
full of money and it belonged
to somebody?

Who would
have thought of that?

Cody, man, I'm serious.
What am I going to do?

JT, man, you know
what you're gonna do.

Look, you tell her truth,

return the necklace,
and give the money
back to her dad, bro.

I can't do that, man.
She's gonna think I'm a liar.

JT, dude, you are a liar.

Yeah, I know,
but if she knows that,
she won't like me anymore.

Well, I'll tell you
somethin' man,

I'm your best friend.
I don't like you
very much right now.

Cody.
I got an idea, okay.
All right, check this out.

What about this? All right.

I take her on a date,

then you pretend to be
a mugger. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Okay, all right.

Then you steal the necklace,
take it to a pawn shop,

get me the money,
and I give it back to her dad.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
It's gonna work there, buddy.

We can fake a little fight.
I'll look like a big hero,
you know?

Please, please,
please, please Cody!

John Thomas Lambert,

this is your conscience
speaking, okay? Look.

There is no way out.

The ship has sailed.

The fat broad
has sung sayonara.

Okay?

Now, it's up to you
to make a decision
with your life.

Are you gonna
tell the truth and be a man,

or are you gonna be a liar?

Can't I be both?

Here's your change
Have a good day.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Well, um,

I kinda have to talk to you,

but I don't think
you're going to be,

too excited when you hear
what I have to say.

Listen, I'm in such
a good mood, nothing
could get me down.

You know
the money my dad lost?

He found it.

He did?

He dropped the envelope
under the seat of his car.

Isn't that great?

Great?
That's incredible.

Yeah, we were pretty relieved.

So, what'd you
want to talk about?

You know, whatever it was,
it just flew right out
of my head.

It's unbelievable.

We have some
great lasagna today.
Want to try it?

Sure. I love lasagna.

Great. Grab a seat
and I'll get some for you.

JT, by the way,

my dad loved this necklace
you gave me.

He said I must have
a pretty terrific boyfriend
to get me a gift like this.

I told him he was right.

I'm awfully lucky
to have a guy like you.

Shelley, you know,

I haven't

really been
completely honest
with you.

What? You don't like lasagna?

Look,

I don't know how to say this,

but, well,

I'm not a rich guy.

I don't own
my own car dealership.

And that car I've been driving

belongs to my boss.

You've been lying to me?

It gets worse.

I paid for that necklace
with some money
I found on the street.

And I came here
to tell you that today because
I thought it was your dad's.

But you know what,
it doesn't matter because
it was somebody else's money,

and I shouldn't have spent it.

I don't think
I can see you anymore.

Look, Shelley,
I know I've been a jerk.

But, I lied because I thought
it was the only way
you'd go out with me.

I'm really sorry.

I really liked you, JT.

And not because
you were rich or
you drove a fancy car.

I liked you
because you were cute
and fun to be with

and you made me laugh.

And now I just wish
this whole thing
never happened.

Me, too. I wish
we could just
start all over again.

Bye, JT.

Bye.

Hi. I'm JT Lambert.

I don't have a Porsche.

I don't even have a car.

I used to lie to get
girls to go out with me,

but I don't want to
do that anymore.

Do you think maybe I could,
get a cup of coffee?

JT, one moment
of honesty isn't gonna
make everything okay.

I know.

Look, I don't know
if I can ever
make things right.

But this is all
I got, Shelley.

So, I thought
I'd order a cup of coffee

and you know,
see where it went.

Cream or sugar?

Both.

No more lies?

No more lies.

Honey, honey,
you're gonna love this.

I rented a new video called,
The Miracle of Childbirth.

It says right here,
it shows you everything
that goes on

in the delivery room
from beginning till end.

Here, sit up. Here,
let me help you.

Come on.

Are you sure you want
to watch this tape, Frank?

I mean, it could
get very graphic.

Come on, honey,
I sat through Alientwice.

I mean, a space creature,
bang, right through
the chest of a guy.

How bad
could this be?

Birth. The moment
when we all leave the womb
and enter the world.

Look, Frank.

There's the baby's head.

Here comes
the shoulders.

Wha... What's all that goo?

That's just some blood
and other birth fluids.

And now the father
cuts the umbilical cord.