Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 12 - I'll Be Home for Christmas - full transcript

I can't bear the thought
of being away from you
for Christmas.

Me, neither.
Promise you'll fax me
every day?

I will, I will.

That way, even though
we're hundreds
of miles apart,

our souls will be
electronically linked.

Talk about romance
in the twenty-first century,

Goodbye, my sweet.

Farewell, my lovely.

Is it me, or is she just
one smokin' mama?

Gotta love that.

It's ski time.
This is gonna be the
greatest Christmas ever.



I don't know, JT.

Don't you think
it's kind of lame

to be away from your family
at Christmas?

Cody, I'm 18.

I'm a little too old
to be sitting around the tree,

singing The Twelve Days Of Christmaswith the kiddies.

Yeah. Well, what do you think,
Uncle Frank?

Don't you think
it's kind of lame

to be away from your family
at Christmas?

Well, like he said, he's 18.

If that's what he wants to do
for the holidays, that's fine.

Thanks, Dad. Gotta go.
See ya later, Code.

-Sure.
-See ya, son.

Have fun skiing. Bye.



That ungrateful little brat.

I spend 18 years raising him
and he leaves me at Christmas.

Uncle Frank, man...

Major 'tude swing,
dude.

I mean, hey, if you didn't
want him to go,
why didn't you just say so?

Cody, that's not my style.

Sure, I'm gonna miss him,

but I'll just have to try
not to think about him.

Yeah. Well,
good luck.

Hey, man, if I was you,
that's all I'd be
thinking about.

Sure, my first born son
won't be with me at Christmas.

Yeah,
there's plenty of turkey,

but JT won't be here
to eat it.

Yeah, all kinds of eggnog,

but JT won't be here
to drink it. Nope.

Of course, there'll be
plenty of presents,

but JT won't be here
to open them up and say,

"Gee, thanks, Dad,
you're the greatest guy
in the world."

God, God, this is sadder than
when they shot Old Yeller.

All right, all right,
I get your point.

Just stop talking
about how much
I'm going to miss JT.

Yeah, right, dude.
You're the one who keeps
bringing it up.

Honey, honey, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

You know that vase
you ordered by mail?

I think some bonehead
down at the post office
broke it.

Wrapping with the staple gun
again, Frank?

I'll get it!

It's probably my little
love muffin.

Hello, baby.

It's Aunt Edna.

Shh! Shh! Okay, everybody
pretend we're not home.
Just be quiet.

Come on, guys.

Hello. Hi, Aunt Edna,
what a nice surprise.

Yes, yes, we're going
to be home for Christmas.

No, no, no,
don't tell her we're going
to be home for Christmas.

Tell her... Tell her,
tell her we don't
celebrate Christmas.

Tell her we're Jewish.
Tell her we're Jewish!

Shh! Shh!

Would you be quiet.

Excuse us. We're just playing
our Hanukkah records.

Well, of course we'd love
to have you join us
for Christmas.

Okay. See you soon.

Honey, how could you
invite that old bat over here
for Christmas?

Well, Frank, she's family.

She's a witch!

You know, the last time
she was here,

she pinched my cheeks so hard,
I wet my pants.

Yeah, and she never
gets my name right.

She's always calling me
Mike or Moe or Melvin.

At least she gets
close to your name.

All she ever calls me
is Lazy Boy.

I thought your cousin Ernie
had to take her this year.

Well, apparently,
Ernie had to have
an emergency heart bypass.

Right.

Like that couldn't wait
until after the holidays.

Well, that must be her.

Run for your lives!

Wait a minute, must be her?
Honey, how'd she
get here so fast?

Well, she was calling
from the corner.

You know, you should've
let us kept singing.

I think that Jewish thing
would have worked.

Just stop it. Shh.

Well, hi, Aunt Edna.
How nice to see you.

Yeah?

Then how come every Christmas
I get passed around
like a bad fruitcake?

Well, we like fruitcake.

Where are your bags?

In the car.

Hey, Lazy Boy, go get my bags.

Nice to see you, too,
Aunt Edna.

Aunt Edna,
you remember the kids?

Well, of course
I remember them.

Hey, Whitey,
what's your name again?

Mark.

Mark, right.

I never did like that name.

From now on,
your name is Maurice.

You can't do that.

I'm older than dirt.
I can do anything I want.

Now shut up and go help
Lazy Boy with my bags.

Aunt Edna, you seem
kind of tense.

Would you like to
lie down for a while?

No, not until I check out
Smiley here.

Look, we went through this
the last time you were here.

All right, the name
is not Smiley. It's Al.

You know, I don't care
how old you are,

I'm not taking
any lip from you.

- Al!
- No, no, no,
that's okay.

I like this one.
She's got spunk.

You get in my face again
and I'll be on you
like a bad rash.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

you said we were staying
in an Alpine chalet.

This place looks more like
the entrance to a mine shaft.

Well, it's supposed
to be rustic.

It's all part of that
wilderness experience.

What's that shack
with the steam
coming out of it?

That's another part
of the wilderness experience.
It's the outhouse.

Man. I hope
I can hold it 'til Monday.

Well, here it is, our little
mountain bachelor pad.

Man, this place is a dump.
There's like 10 guys,
and we only got four cots.

Who cares about the cabin?

I mean, we're going to be
spending all our time
on the ski slopes.

Think again. An avalanche
took out the ski lifts.

Man, this is so lame.

I'm stuck in this rat hole
and I can't even ski.

Man, it doesn't get
any worse than this.

Yeah it does.
The outhouse has a metal seat.

I can't believe Mom stuck us
with cooking the turkey.

Well, she couldn't help it.

It's Christmas Eve
and she's backed up
in the beauty shop.

Come on, I mean,
how hard can it be?

It came with directions.

All right.

"Step number one,

"Reach inside the body cavity
and remove the heart,
gizzard and other innards."

Go ahead, Karen.

No way. I don't do innards.

You are such a wimp.

Yeah, well, I don't see you
fishing around inside
Mister Turkey.

Fine, I'll do it.

It's wet in there.

And there's a loose flap
of skin hanging down.

What are you princesses
doing in the kitchen?

You get lost?

No, Carol put us in charge
of cooking the turkey,

but we kind of don't want
to clean it out.

What's your problem?

Just stick your hand
up his butt
and you go to work.

What are you waiting for,
candlelight and soft music?

This is disgusting.

Yeah, well, it's no picnic
for the bird, either.

Grab his guts and rip 'em out.

God.

Come on.

You left some.

Okay, who's the genius
who decided to bring
frozen dinners up here?

I'm sucking on frozen gravy.

This is the lowest moment
of my life.

Hi, guys, it's party time.

The entertainment committee
is here.

Hey, JT, check it out.

Your friends are here.
Beavis and Butt-head.

There's no bottom
to this nightmare.

I have to take
the up escalator
just to get to Hell.

We brought
a really great video.
Naughty Ski Babes.

Yeah. We like, taped it off
the Smut Channel.

A porno movie
on Christmas Eve.
You guys are sick!

What are all
the squiggly lines for?

Int's scrambled.

But if you like look
really close,
there's butts and stuff.

Yep. Butts.

You guys are perverts, man.
I gotta get some air.

You're gonna
miss the best part.

There goes a boob.

Yeah, man, yeah.

That's not a boob.
It's a bald guy.

I'll get it.

Merry Christmas.
Cody Lambert speaking.

Hey, Cody, it's JT.
Man, how's it going?

Totally awesome, bro.

Your dad built
this big old raging fire,

we got a monster turkey
in the oven,

mashed potatoes
up the wazoo.

Hey, for later, Carol made
three kinds of pies.

Hey, did you guys sing
Christmas carols yet?

No, we're saving that
for later on,

probably around midnight,

you know, when we're all
feeling nice
and warm and cozy,

and there's a lot of love
in the room.

How's it going for you?

Just great.

Great.

The food's great.

The cabin's great.
Everything's just great, Code.

Dude, you just said great
five times in a row.

You ain't gotta be a gardener
to figure out who's spreading
around the manure, you know

All right, Cody, man,
the whole thing's a bust.

I'm with a bunch of guys
and we're sucking down
frozen dinners

and watching scrambled
porno movies. I'm miserable.

Well, dude, why don't you
just bag that bummer
and come on home?

I can't do that.

I made a big deal about
being too old for Christmas.

If I come home now,
it'll be like telling my dad
I'm still a little kid.

Man, he won't think that.
He'd love to see you here.

Why don't you hold on,
I'll go get him.

No, no, Cody,
I can't talk to him, man.

Just... Just tell everybody
I said, "Merry Christmas."
Okay, Cody?

I gotta go. Bye.

Hey, Uncle Frank,
I think we've got
kind of a problem.

Look, JT just called
and he said he's having

a miserable time
up at that ski lodge.

Well, why doesn't he
just come home?

Well, because he made such
a big deal about being
too old for Christmas.

Well, now he's embarrassed
and doesn't want to admit
he was wrong.

I think you should go
up there and get him.

No. No, I'm not driving
two hours to pick him up.

If he's such a big boy,
he can come home himself.

You know, this passive
aggressive jive is really
starting to cheese me off.

I mean, look, you didn't
want him going up there
in the first place,

but you wouldn't say anything.

Well, now he wants
to come home,
but he won't tell you.

Well, of course he won't
tell me. And you know
why he won't tell me?

Because he's stubborn
and pig headed.

Stubborn
and pig headed,
Uncle Frank?

I wonder where he gets
that from? Oink, oink.

- That was cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'll get it. Maybe it's
a serial killer and he'll
put me out of my misery.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, it was a nice night,
so I thought I'd take
a little two hour drive.

Son, is there some place
we can talk alone?

Sure. Either here on the porch
or over there on the outhouse.

Let's try the porch, okay?

So...

What did you
want to talk about?

You know.

Just wondering how things
were going up here.

They're going...

You know. Going.

How are,
things going at home?

You know.

Boy, we're not very good
at telling each other
how we feel, are we?

-We stink, Dad.
-Yeah.

Wll, you probably get that
from me. So, I'll go first.

Son, it's Christmas.

I want you home.

I didn't want you
to come up here
in the first place.

So, why didn't you
say something
before I left?

Well, when you told me
you didn't want to be
around for Christmas,

it kind of hurt.

But I didn't know
how to say that,

so I just pretended
it didn't bother me.

That's pretty stupid,
isn't it?

Not as stupid
as me staying here

even though I was having
a lousy time.

Well, why didn't you just
tell me when you called?
I would have picked you up.

Like it would have been
real manly of me
to call up and say,

"Daddy, I miss you,
can I please come home?"

You know, JT,
we could probably save
ourselves a lot of trouble

if we just stop trying to act
so tough all the time

and told each other
what we were really thinking.

You know
what I'm thinking, Dad?

What?

I want to come home
for Christmas.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'd love to have you home.

What did those girls
put on that turkey?

I have more gas
than a Texaco station.

I thought you were trying
to sleep, Aunt Edna.

How am I supposed to sleep

if I feel like I'm digesting
a bowling ball?

You never should have
let those girls
cook that meal.

I think they tried
to poison me.

You know, Aunt Edna,
you have been here
an entire day

and you have not said
one nice thing to anybody.

When I think of something nice
to say, I'll mention it.

What is your problem?

You know, we have gone
out of our way to welcome you

and you do nothing
but crab at us.

We opened our home to you,
we cooked dinner for you,

we even gave you our bedroom.

Obviously, nothing we can do
will make you happy.

So why don't you just
go ahead and be a pill.

But I will not let it ruin
my Christmas, or my family's.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm a pain in the butt.

I try not to be,
but it just comes out.

Why? What are you
so angry about?

I'm not angry,

I'm lonely.

I know everybody's nice
to me at Christmas,

but for the rest of the year,
I just sit home alone

watching People's Court
and talking to my cat.

I would like to have
a good time at Christmas,

but the nicer you are to me,
the more it reminds me
that the rest of the year...

I don't have anybody.

Well, gee, I never thought
about what your life
must be like.

I hope I haven't ruined
your Christmas.

I'd hate to do that
to my favorite niece.

I'm your favorite niece?

Well, sure.

Why do you think I made up
that story about Ernie
needing a heart bypass?

You mean
that wasn't true?

No,
Ernie's as healthy as a horse.

I just wanted to be with you
and your family.

Maybe we should just get
together more often.

You know,
not just at Christmas.

That would
make me very happy.

Dudesie.

Dude, this was a totally
awesome Christmas?

Yeah, it was okay.

"Okay?" What are you
talking about, little cuz?

You got all the loot
you wanted.

Yeah, but
what good are presents

if you can't share them
with the woman you love?

I'll get it.

You just stay right here
and wallow in self pity.

Hi, Cody.

-Gabrielle!
-Mark!