Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 4, Episode 14 - Thirtysomething - full transcript

This is Cody's idea
of a movie set?

This is so cheesy.

C'mon, he needs our help
making a movie
for his filmmaking class.

Okay, people, listen up.

Quiet on the set.

Lights, camera, action.

Hey, call my agent.

Tell him to set up
an appointment
with Bobby DeNiro.

I love being a director.

Okay, Cody,
what's my job
in the movie?

Okay, Mark,
you're the Assistant Director,
Executive Producer



and Vice President
In charge of production.

Wow, what do I do?

Serve lemonade.

Now, the rest of you people,
you're all gonna be actors.

JT, you play Dick Ratface,
the evil pet shop owner.

Dick Ratface?

Can't I have more
of a studly name,
like Rocky or Rambo?

Okay. From now on,
you're Rambo Ratface.

Hey, Brendan.

Now you're gonna
play Little Timmy,

whose lifelong dream it is
to have his very own goldfish.

Can I be the sensitive
but sultry heroine

who nurses Tom Cruise
back to health in a PG-13
sort of way?

Close.



You're going to play
the femme fatale.

You're beautiful,
you're dangerous.

You light up the screen.
Every man wants you.

What's my character's name?

Customer Number One.

Cody, what's my character?

Okay, you're Maria Consuelo
Valencia De Benedictis.

Cool, who's that?

Customer number two.

Okay, people, we're gonna
rehearse scene one.

Now, we open
on Rambo Ratface

who's selfishly
eating a banana

while a hungry monkey
looks on sadly.

Now...

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!

We're trying to make
a movie here?

All right.

Now, in the foreground,
Little Timmy's counting out
his pennies, all right?

While Maria Consuelo
is trying to pick out
a lizard,

and customer number one
is trying to decide

between a kitten
and a puppy, all right?

Places everybody.

Let's go.

Lights, camera and action.

Cody,
don't we need a script?

And cut!

Okay, that's lunch.

Dude, I gotta go outside
and write a script.

Download MyTotal.TV to watch your favorite TV
www.mytotal.tv THE BEST TV APP

I'll get it. It's for me.

I got a extra-large pizza
with ham, anchovies...Yeah, it's for me.

Thanks. Bye.

What is that?

Just a pizza with ham,
anchovies, pickles, pineapple,
and Gummi Bears.

Yeah,
you're one of those women

who only eats
weird, exotic foods
when you're pregnant.

No. When I'm pregnant,
I eat anything.

Hi, guys. See you later.

What? Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

On a date.

Well, would you like
to tell me about him?

No. Bye.

Hey-a,
Now wait a minute,
girlie-girl,

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

You know the rules.

You have to tell your mother
about this guy

or she'll have me follow you
in a car all night.

Okay.
His name is Paul Gilbert.

He works at a bookstore
near the college.

He doesn't drink,
smoke, swear,

or talk with his mouth full.

He has clean fingernails,
good posture,

and he knows
the Heimlich maneuver
in case of emergency.

You may go.

Thank you.

Hey, Dana.

I hear you're dating
a 36-year-old guy.

Thirty-six-year-old guy?

Did I forget to mention that?

Al, Karen, let's step
out of the ring.

I think I heard the bell
for round number one. C'mon.

Sorry.

Mom, what is the big deal?
I'm going out with a guy.

Yeah, well, I just don't see
why you can't find somebody
closer to your own age?

Because, Mom, the guys my age
are immature dimwits.

Their idea of a good time
is drinking beer and peeing
off the water tower.

Paul is different.
He reads books.

We can talk about things.

He's a mature guy.

Yeah, well,
that's what bothers me.

Mature guys
have mature ideas

and I don't want you
getting any.

Ideas.

Mom...

You don't have to worry
about me having premarital...

Ideas.

Yeah, well,
I will tell you one thing,

there is no way
a relationship can work

with a 19-year-old girl
and a 36-year-old man.

Mom, look, I know
that you like to think
of me as a child,

but the fact of the matter is,

I'm perfectly capable of
taking care of my own life

without help from you.

I'm kind of nervous
about meeting your friends.

Don't worry,
you'll love them.

They're gonna love you.

I can't believe
my mother said

a relationship
with an older guy
wouldn't work.

Yeah, you know,
my ex-wife said

that dating a younger woman
was crazy.

But you know, I say,
age doesn't matter.

I mean, so what
if you're only 20?

Nineteen.

Nineteen.

Well, I mean,
what is age, really?

A number.
Exactly. It doesn't
define a person.

Absolutely. What matters
is that we have
so much in common.

Right. The age thing
doesn't bother me one bit.
Does it bother you?

I don't even think
about the age thing.

I don't think
about it, either.

Well,
that must be them.

Hey!
Hello!

How are you?

Nice coat.

Everybody, I want you
to meet Dana Foster.

Dana, this is my brother, Jim,
and his wife, Molly.

And these are my friends,
Andy and Nancy.

You know, Andy,
he teaches biology

at East Wisconsin University.

It's nice to meet you.
And what do you do?

I'm a student.

I'm in your class,
Professor...

Andy.

How about that, Paul?

Small world.
You're dating
one of my students.

Not that there's
anything wrong
with dating a student.

No!

I mean,
I wouldn't date a student.

But that's just because
I'm married.Right.

Not because I think
that it's creepy
or anything.

I don't mean creepy, creepy.
I mean, that, um...

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't we all
get some wine and cheese

while Andy gets his foot
out of his mouth?

Hey, I'd love some wine.
How about you, Dana?

Um, no thanks.

That's right,
you're underage.

I mean, you know,
for the wine,
not to, date Paul.

Paul,
I wanted to show you
a picture I found

when we were
cleaning out the attic.

You're gonna love this.

No.

No, God.
Seventies flashback.

I look like one of
the Bee Gees in here.

Dana, take a look
at this. This is Jim
and Molly's wedding.

It was a disco theme.

Disco?

How could anybody
listen to that stuff?

Don't you remember
The Village People?ALL:!

Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha.

Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha.

This stinks.
Where are all
the dirty parts?

Mom tears them out.

Great, now I'll never
know how Lady Katherine

repaid the stable boy
for his kindness.

Good, you're home.

You've got to tell me
all about dating
an older man.

I wanna hear every detail.

Yeah, and don't leave out
any juicy parts.

Well, it didn't go
exactly as I'd hoped.

All his friends
were so much older than me,

I felt completely
out of place.

I actually saw
one of my professors
disco dancing.

Disco?

That, that's like
from the '70s.

How old were these people?

They were in their 40s.

And they were dancing?

Ew, that's gross.

I guess Mom is right.
This guy is too old for you.

He's not too old for me.

It's fine when we're alone.

It was just weird because
all his friends were there.

I don't know, Dana.

I mean, there's something
about you dating an older guy
that just seems bizarre.

God, this isn't
one of those sick
father fixation things, is it?

You know, I saw a TV movie
about that one time,

where Heather Locklear
had to kiss Buddy Ebsen.

Paul is not Buddy Ebsen.

He's only 36.

This relationship can work.
It's gonna work

and I don't care
what anybody says,

age doesn't make
a difference.

Come on, honey,
you don't wanna miss
the start of Cody's movie.

Wow, my,
that looks wonderful.

Pot stickers, egg rolls,
paperwrapped chicken.

The kids
are gonna love this.

It's not for them.
It's for me.

I made them popcorn.

Well, I had a little craving
for Chinese food.

Okay, Cody, we're ready
for the start of the movie.

Chinese food.

Yeah, back off, pal.

The popcorn is for us.

The Chinese food is for
the Amazing Digesto.

Okay, I want to thank you guys
for coming to the premiere
screening of Free Goldie.

Now, I want you to know,
no animals were harmed during
the production of this film.

Although, we did
have one close call

when Goldie jumped
into a bowl of soup.

Okay, roll 'em.

Cody Lambert presents...

Free Goldie.
A film by Cody Lambert.

Starring JT Lambert
as Rambo Ratface.

Brendan Lambert
as Little Timmy.

Al Lambert as Maria Consuela
Valencia De Benedictis.

And introducing Karen Foster
as Customer Number One.

I'm excited.
It's my screen debut.

Gee, Mister, I'd love to buy that goldfish,

but I don't know
if I have enough money.

That's no problem, little boy.

I'm sure we can
arrange a loan.

This is fantastic.

You like this movie?

No. These egg rolls
are to die for.

Carol, what are you doing?

Having a snack.

This is not a snack.
It's Thanksgiving
on Walton Mountain.

I'm putting this stuff away.
No, don't touch that turkey.
It's my turkey.

All right, this goes back.

No, they go together.

See? Turkey,
mashed potatoes, gravy.

Honey,
you have really lost it.

I wasn't gonna show you
this until morning.

I was going through
some photos the other day.

I found this one of you.
I want you to look at it.

Big deal. So I'm fat.

I was nine months
pregnant with Mark.

Well, you know,
that's what I thought

Until I looked
at the date on the back
of the picture here.

It's Mark's first
birthday party.

You, you can't see
Mark and the other kids

'cause you're blocking them
with your thigh, here.

It's that dress.
That dress always
made me look fat.

Okay, fine.

I have another picture.

This time,
you're not wearing a dress.

You're wearing a bathing suit.

Look at it.
No.

No, look at it.
No.

No, you should... Look at
this, look at this picture!I am not looking.

I am not looking!

Look at this.
I am not looking.

My God.

I look like Marlon Brando
in a bikini.

Here.

Carol, listen. I...

I know that your pregnant,
and pregnant women
get cravings,

but you can't keep
eating like this.

It's not good for you.
It's not healthy.

It's not healthy
for our baby.

I know.

Gee, you know,
the last time I was pregnant

I swore I'd never
do this again.

But I just keep getting
the cravings

and then,
I can't control myself.

Well, listen honey,

I'll try and help you
anyway that I can. Okay?

If you get a craving
and I'm not there...

Look at the picture.
No!

Hi, come on in.

Listen, I want you
to have a seat.

Shouldn't we get going?

I don't wanna be late
for the movie.

Well, look, there's been
a kind of a last minute
change of plans.

Um, my ex-wife got sick...

And my kids are here.

Um, your kids?

Yeah, look, look,
I'm really, really sorry

I didn't tell you
about my kids earlier.

I just didn't wanna
scare you off.

And, anyway, I have two kids.

Well, that's super.

How old
are the little tykes?

Five, six.

What a fun age.

Are you Daddy's
new girlfriend?

Kind of.

You're skinny.

Dana, I want you
to meet Lilly
and this is Jack.

Guys, I want you
to say hi to Dana.

Hi, Dana.
I'm glad you're a girl.
Maybe you could help me.

Sure,
what can I do for you?

I think I got
some toilet paper
stuck in my bottom.

Would you check?

Lilly, sweetheart,
why' don't you go on
in the bathroom

and I'll come there
in a minute, okay?

Hey, hey, no running
in the house!

Kids.

Yeah, kids.

This isn't
gonna work, is, it?

I really wanted
to make it work

because I like you.

But...

We're just not from
the same world.

Boy.

I wish I'd met you
ten years ago.

Ten years ago, I was nine.

Boy, my ex-wife,
she was right again.

God, I hate that!

Well, um...

I guess I'll see you
at the bookstore.

Yeah.

Bye, Paul.

Bye.

Dance that fat away.
Keep it up.

That's it.
Hi, Mom.

Work it harder now.
Hi.

What are you doing home?
It's only 8:30.

I broke up with Paul

and I'm really depressed.

I'm sorry.

You know what really bugs me?

How come you knew
this was gonna happen

before the first date,
and I didn't?

Well, I'm 40, you're 19.

I thought I was an adult,

but I guess
I'm not even close.

But you are close.

That's what so frustrating
about being a 19 year old.

You've got the body
of an adult,

you've got the mind
of an adult,

you have the experience
of a 19 year old.

I wish I could go to sleep,
wake up tomorrow,
and be 30 years old.

Yeah, I wish I could wake up
and be 30 years old, too.

You know, Mom,
you're really smart.

I outta listen
to you more often.

Hey, could I tape that?

Because I'm sure by tomorrow,
I will probably be your
dumb mother again.

Probably.

Well, let's enjoy the truce
while we have it?

A 36-year-old guy.
What was I thinking?

Well, you're nineteen,
you're very mature.
It could happen.

Yeah, but I bet
it never happened to you.

Did it?

Well, I didn't wanna
tell you this

'cause I didn't
wanna encourage you, but...

Well, what the heck.

When I was your age,

I went out with an older man.

Really?

Was he 36?
No.

He was 47.

Forty-seven?
Yeah.

That's sick.
Yeah.

That's what
my mother said.

Mom, you were 19...
Yeah, shh.

...and the man was 47?
Yeah.

He was old enough
to be your father.I know.

And you kissed this guy?
Yes.

You know, why don't
you yell it louder, Dana?

I'm not sure all
the neighbors heard.

I gotta tell Karen.
Well, Dana.

Wait, Dana, Dana. Dana.

Forty-seven!
That's like...

Buddy Ebsen!