Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Marrying Dude - full transcript

Problem, Al?

Nothing you can help me with.

It's about boys.

Hey, I know a little
bit about boys.

Yeah, well, I need someone
who knows a lot about boys.

Hi, guys.

The doctor is in.

Hey, Karen, have you
got a minute?

Sorry, Al,
I've got homework.
I'm really kind of busy.

It's about boys.

But never too
busy to help those in need.



Now, what's the problem?

Well, there's this guy
named Jeff that I like.

I was hoping he was
going to ask me
to the school dance,

but he asked
Suzy Blair instead.

Suzy Blair? Your friend
down the street?

Yeah. I mean, I don't get it.

I'm smarter than she is,
I'm funnier,

and I'm a better athlete.

What does she have
that I don't have?

I can answer that
in one word,

hooters.

Hey, I've got hooters!

Al, you've got hooters.

Suzy's got hooters.



That's the reason
he asked her out?

Man, guys are pigs.

Exactly.

They're grunting, drooling,
hormone driven slime.

Yeah.

Some of them are pretty cute.

Okay,
the whole game comes down
to this one play.

In fact, the whole season
is riding on this play.

Good, you're not
doing anything.

Frank, remember when we
were talking about
re-decorating this room?

When were we talking
about re-decorating?

Well, you may
have been asleep.

Anyway, I found some great
furniture in this magazine.

How do you
like this couch?

That's

nice.

"Nice?" What does
that mean?

It means I hate it.

Well, then,

what about this one?

Ha! That's really nice.

Come on, Frank,
you never like anything.

That's not true, honey.

I saw something
in a magazine I wanted
to show you. I loved it.

Now,

look at that baby.

How'd you like to park
your carcass in that?

Frank, we are not getting
a chair shaped like
a Green Bay Packers helmet.

Honey, this is not
just a helmet chair,

it's an entire home
entertainment system.

Now look, they've got
little places to put your
snacks and your drinks.

And this footrest,
it's not just
a giant football,

it's an ice chest.

That's great.
Now the only time
you have to get up

during the game is to
go to the bathroom.

Not if you get
the deluxe model.

That is disgusting.

Hey, Uncle Frank.
Hey, Cody.

Can I borrow some
of your cologne?

The one with, "the manly scent
of the open sea."

Be my guest.

Thanks, bro'.

Hey, I don't remember you
using cologne before.
What's the occasion?

Well, I got a blind date.

Well, I mean,
she's not actually blind.

Although, she might be.
I never met her.

Cody, how did you two hook up?

Well, she answered
an ad I put in
a motorcycle magazine.

Code,

this isn't that woman
who wrote you
from prison, is it?

No way, Uncle Frank.
She turned out
to be a real loser.

In fact, she turned out
to be a guy.

Well, that must be my date.
Wish me luck.

Good luck.
Okay.

Hi.

Are you Cody?

Yeah. You Bonnie?

Yeah.

Cool.

Are you as nervous
as I am?

Yeah, buddy. Man.

Hey, why don't you come on in.

Well, I don't know
how to tell you this,
but I've got a little problem.

Hey, you aren't a guy are you?

Um, actually, my problem is,
I couldn't get a sitter,

so I had to bring
my son on our date.

I hope it's okay.

Yeah. No problem.

I'd love to have
the little dude
hang out with us.

Great. Thanks a lot.
Riley, come on in.

Hey, Riley, I'm Cody.
How's it going?

Good.

"Good?"

All right, a man of a few words.

The Clint Eastwood
of the kindergarten.

Come on in..

So, what do you guys
want to do tonight?

Could we go
to the video arcade?

Riley, I don't think
Cody wants to...

Dude, the video arcade!

Man, you read my mind.
I love that place.

What's your favorite game?

Alien Warlords.

Dude, Alien Warlords.

Are we simpatico or what?

What's your highest score?

Twenty eight million.

Wow!

"Twenty eight million?"

Dude, you've got
the highest score
on the machine.

You're R-P-G.

Yeah, but C-M-L
is catching up.

C-M-L that's me.
Codeman Lambert.

Come on, dude, let's go.

All right. This is
the coolest blind date
I ever had.

Mind if I tag along?

Ninety six,

ninety seven,

ninety eight,

ninety nine,

a hundred.

One,

two,

three,

four,

five.

Al,

what are you doing?

Working on my backhand.

What do you think
I'm doing?

Al, I know what you're
going through.

But I think you're
making a mountain
out of a molehill.

Sorry, bad choice of words.

I hate being a girl.

Remember when we were
her age and used
to worry about this stuff?

Boy, I'm glad
those days are over.

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. I have
some great news.

You do?
Yeah.

Yeah, I know
how you hate
shopping for furniture,

so I saved you the trouble
and I went out

and I bought us
a whole new
living room myself.

You did?
Yes.

Yes, and I really think
you're gonna like it.

You do?

Now, I know
what you're thinking.

No, you don't.

You're thinking it doesn't
go with the room,

but it will.

See, I'm going to whitewash
all the wood,
and then bleach the floors,

and then paint the walls
a creamy mauve

to pick up just the hint
of cranberry in the pillows.

See, what I want to do
is open up the room

and make it light
and bright and airy,

so it feels like we're
floating on a big, puffy cloud.

Where's our old furniture?

Int's in the garage.

Come here, Frank.
I want you to sit
on this couch,

it's really comfortable.

Honey, this isn't
a man's sofa,
it's a girl's sofa.

I can't watch football
sitting on a bunch of pansies.

I don't even like
the way that sounds.

Come on, Frank,
give it a chance,

and if you don't like it,
we can take it back
in ten days.

How much did
all this stuff cost?

Practically nothing.

The store was
going out of business.

What a shock.

Wow. Cool.
New furniture.

All right.

Hey, you know
something, Carol,

if you whitewashed
all the wood
and bleached out the floors,

I'd feel like I was
floating on a big,
puffy cloud.

See?

Of course, I'd have
a mondo sexual
identity crisis.

That must
be Bonnie and Riley.

Hey, you're seeing
a lot of those two lately.

Yeah. It's amazing
how much we have in common.

Yeah, we like the same music,
we like the same food.

Bonnie's pretty cool, too.

Hey, how you doing?

Do you guys know
Carol and Frank?

No.
No. Hi, nice to meet you.

Hi. Hi.
Hi, Riley.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Do you have
anything good to eat?

Riley.
No, no, it's okay.

I was just gonna
go to the kitchen
to get something for myself.

You know, I think we have
one grape popsicle left
and I'll race you for it.

Are you gonna let me win?

Absolutely not.
Ready? Set? Go!

Frank's lagging behind

because his wife's
sissy furniture

sapped all his strength.

Hello.
Hey.

Boy, you look great tonight.

You always look great.

So, what do you
want to do tonight?

Well, I thought we were
taking Riley to the movies?

No, I mean, after that.

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe we'd
go to your house,
put Riley to bed, you know,

we could watch
some TV or something.

Well, I thought we'd do
something different tonight.

After Riley's asleep,
let's build a fire
and put on some music.

Hey, that sounds great.

And maybe tonight,
you can stay
a little while longer.

Like, until breakfast.

Hey.

You know, I really like you
and all, but I kinda got
a problem with that.

You know, I mean,
I think a dude
and a dudette should,

you know, be married
before they,

do the "wild monkey dance."

Really?

Yeah. Hey, you know,
some things are just
worth waiting for.

Wow.

I have never met
anyone like you.

Yeah, I get that
all the time.

You know something, Cody?

You are the kind of guy
my mother always
wanted me to marry.

In fact,

you're the kind of guy
I always wanted to marry.

So, what do you say?

About what?

Do you want to get married?

Hey, Bonnie, aren't we
skipping a few steps?

You know, like going steady,
getting engaged,
getting cold feet,

Dealing with
the male's tendency
to want to avoid commitment

versus the female's
instinct to nest.

Whenever I go out
with somebody,
I ask myself two questions,

"Is this the right guy for me?"

And, "Is this
the right guy for Riley?"

He adores you.

Well, hey, I think
the little guy's great, too.

You're real special.

You would be a great
father for Riley.

Well, I guess the little guy
does need a father?

Cody, could we get
a big box of popcorn
at the movies?

Sure, dudesie.

Thanks, Cody.
You're the greatest.

I wish you were my dad.

Well...

I think that would
be great, too.

Yeah?

Well, hey, Riley, you know,
you might get your wish.

Your mom and I
are getting married.

Really?

Wow, that's great.

I think so, too.

Yeah.

Kids?

Kids, your dinner is ready.

Hey, has anyone seen
my Nerf football?

I can't find it anywhere.

Yeah, well, we'll find it
after dinner, okay?

Listen, everybody,

Al is going to the mall tonight
and she's trying out a new look.

Now, she's feeling
really good about herself,

so please don't make
any cracks that will
embarrass her, okay?

So, what's for dinner?

Dinner? Um,
Turkey and stuffing.

I mean, dressing.

Turkey and dressing.

I think I know
where your football is.

Hey, Al, what would
you like to drink?

Orange juice
or hel-lo!

Al,

could I talk to you
in the other room
for a minute, please?

Sure.

They're too big
for me, aren't they?

Well, Al, they're
too big for me.

Now, why do you
want to stuff your bra?

Because the boys
in my class only like
girls with big boobs.

Yeah? Well,
that's their problem.

That's easy for you to say.

I mean, look at you.

If I had your figure,
I'd have millions of guys
interested in me.

Yeah, well, that's
not necessarily
such a good thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, when I was a girl,
I was the first one in my
class who was developed.

And, you know, naturally,
all the boys were
very interested in me.

I mean, I got asked out
all the time.

You know, if this
is your idea
of a pep talk, it stinks.

Well, wait a second,
I'm not finished.

I mean, sure, all the boys
were always asking me out,

but I never knew
if they liked me or them.

At least they were interested.

Yeah, but how would you feel
if you went out with a guy

and he never looked
above your neck?

Or every time you walked
into a room full of boys,

they started whispering
and you knew that they
were talking about your chest?

Not too good, I guess.

Look, Al, boys your age
are not very mature,

but it won't always
be that way.

And besides, you're funny
and you're smart,

and you're
a beautiful young woman.

And if those aren't
enough reasons
for some guy to like you,

then he's not
worth your time.

You're probably right.

Yeah, I know I'm right,

so why don't you go
upstairs and

unpack and

come join us
for dinner, okay?

Okay.

Can I ask you
a question first?

Sure.

How do you run
with these things?

Very carefully.

Hey, Uncle Frank,
I'm glad you're here.

I got something
pretty important
I want to ask you.

What's on your mind, Cody?

Well, Bonnie and I
are getting married

and I want you to be
my best man.

Well, that's
a little sudden, isn't it?

No, not really, Uncle Frank.
I've known you all my life.

No, Cody, I mean,
you and Bonnie.

You've only known her
a couple of weeks.

Yeah, I know, Uncle Frank,

But, you know,
I kept thinking
about you and Carol.

And, well, you guys
only knew each other

a couple of days before
you got married, right?

And now, the only way
to get you apart
is with a crowbar.

Well, I can't argue with that.

I guess if you and Bonnie
are in love each other,
that's the most important thing.

Really? Love?

That's the most important thing?

What's the second
most important thing?

You are in love
with Bonnie, aren't you?

Well, hey, she's
a great looking girl,

you know, and lots
of fun to be around,

we like a lot
of the same stuff, and...

Okay. No, I'm not
in love with her.

Well, then, why are
you getting married?

Because Riley needs a Dad.

Look, I think your wanting
to give Riley a father
is a very noble thing,

but it's not a good reason
to get married.

Gee, I knew you were
gonna say that, Uncle Frank.

What am I going to do now?

I already told her
I'd marry her.

I can't tell you what to do.

But getting married
for the wrong reasons, Cody,

that just isn't good
for anybody.

Man.

Cody, Cody, I got it.

I know exactly how
to break the news to Bonnie
without anybody getting hurt.

Wow. That's great.
What is it?

Okay, you tell her the guy
who said he'd marry her

was actually your evil twin.

Lame.

No, man, it's gonna work.

I saw a story just like it
on Hard Copy.

Sorry, dude.

I believe in standing up
and being a man.

Good luck, Cody.

Thanks, cuz.

Hey, Cody,
look at my dinosaur.

Hey, that's pretty cool, bro.

Why don't you go upstairs
and show it to Brendan.

Yeah, buddy.

Something wrong?

Well, yeah. I think we
need to have a talk.

Look, this is gonna be
kinda hard for me to say,

but I don't think
we should get married.

Why not? I thought
you said you wanted to.

Well, yeah,
I know I said that,

but the more
I thought about it,
the more I realized

that we weren't
doing this for us,

that we were
doing it for Riley.

Look, we can still go out,
we can still be with each other,

you know, I just don't think
it's right to get married
after three weeks.

I don't understand.
I thought we talked
about this the other day.

Let me ask you something.

If it was just you and I,
and there was no Riley,

do you think we would
be getting married?

But it isn't just you and me.

Yeah, I know,
but what if it was?

Do you think we'd
be getting married?

Well, I guess not.

Then we shouldn't
be getting married.

I guess I just wanted Riley
to have a father so badly,

I got carried away.

Yeah. Me, too.

Okay, Cody, what are
we doing today?

Riley, we need to talk to you.

About what?

Well,

Cody and I

aren't going to
be getting married.

But I thought Cody
was going to be my dad.

Let me ask you
something, little guy.

What kind of things
would you want
a dad to do with you?

Take me places.

See, I can do that.

Teach me stuff.

I can do that, too.

Look, just because I'm not
gonna be your dad,

doesn't mean we can't
still be buds.

Anytime you need me,
day or night,
I'll be there for you.

Really?

Hey, when the Codeman
says he'll be there,
he'll be there, okay?

Okay.
Yeah, come here.

How about next weekend,
you guys wanna go camping
and live off the land?

That would be great.

Yeah. Hey, you like
eating squirrel?

I don't think so.

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, we can pick up
a bunch of Happy Meals
on the way.

All right.

Hi, honey.

Good, you're home.

Honey,
have I got great news.

You know how it's been
so hard for you

to pick out living room
furniture that I liked?

Well, problem solved.

I re decorated
the living room myself.

God.

Now, I know what
you're thinking.

No, you don't.

You're thinking it doesn't
go with the room,
but it will.

Now, the way I see it,

we get a bunch of
throw pillows

in the shape of footballs,
baseballs, and hockey pucks,

and we get beer taps
for light switches,

and we paint the walls
a bright orange

to pick up the color
of the basketball hoops.

What you're saying is
you want me to get

the old furniture
out of the garage,
don't you?

Honey, that's totally
up to you.

Yeah, well, I'll go get
the kids to help me.

Yes!

Home run.