Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 15 - Thirteen with a Bullet - full transcript
Honey, honey,
look at this.
For only $8.95 a month,
we can join the Wild Game
Meat of the Month Club.
Wild Game? You mean
like deer and buffalo?
No, no, not just that.
Listen, we can get moose,
rabbit, bear, badger,
otter and beaver.
Frank, I am not
eating anything
that builds a dam.
All right, but when you see
how juicy my
badger burgers are,
I'm not sharing.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Mark.
How was school?
Unchallenging as usual.
You know what?
I'm going to talk
to the principal
and see if he can't
stiffen up the curriculum.
Well, that's fine, Mark,
but I wouldn't mention this
to your other classmates.
Hey, Mom, can we talk
about my birthday party?
Don't worry
about it, honey.
I've got it all figured out.
I've hired this guy
who's going to
dress up like a pirate.
Doesn't that
sound like fun, honey?
Mom, I'm turning thirteen.
I think the ship has sailed
on the pirate thing.
I mean, face it,
I'm becoming a man.
Well, all right, Mark,
what kind of party
do you want?
A boy-girl party.
With girls.
Lots of girls.
Yeah, he's thirteen.
Hi, Cody.
Hey.
The Kare bear
and the Dana burger,
home from their big day
at the Halls of Learning?
Hey, the Codeman,
sitting in front of the TV
like a big, giant sloth.
Yeah, buddy.
Hey, what were
you watching?
Man, Oprah's doing
a big special
on the "Adult Children
of Sumo Wrestlers."
Yeah, man, I thought
my parents messed me up.
Hey, guys, guess what?
I got my first "A"
in high school today.
All right,
way to go, Jackson.
What'd you get the "A" in, JT?
Auto shop.
"Auto shop?"
No, Auto Shop
is not a class.
It's a holding cell
for criminals until they
get out of high school.
No, you're wrong, Dana.
Auto shop's a lot tougher
than you think.
Hey, you gotta
learn a lot of
really complicated stuff,
like engineering, physics,
how to eat lunch
when your hands are,
like, really dirty.
Yeah. And for
your information,
I had to take
a very difficult final exam.
Yeah, right. What
did that consist of,
exposing your butt crack
while you checked the oil?
No.
I had to change the oil,
change a tire, and do
a complete tune up.
I'd like to see you do that.
If you can do it,
I can do it.
Why would you want to do it?
That's why God invented men,
to fix cars
and kill spiders.
I'm not talking about men,
I'm talking about JT.
If he can fix a car,
then anybody can.
Really?
Would you like to make
a bet about that?
Sure. What's the bet?
Okay.
You have to do my
final exam for auto shop.
If you pass, I have to do
your chores for a month.
If you fail,
you have to do mine.
You're on.
Boy, this would make
a great game show.
Automotive Battle
of the Step Siblings.
JT and the Dana burger,
come on down.
Who is it?
Yeah, it's me, Mark.
I need some nail clippers.
Come on in.
Won't bother you but a minute.
What are you doing?
You know,
getting ready
for my party.
Showering,
taking a shave.
A shave?
Really?
How long have you
been shaving, Mark?
Actually, Frank, this is
my maiden voyage.
I figured since I'm
turning thirteen, you know,
and becoming a man,
I probably needed one.
Well, let me
take a look here.
You definitely have some
manly stubble coming in there.
You know, since this
is your first time,
and a very important moment
in a man's life,
maybe I should help?
You lather up
and I'll go get
a special razor that my dad
taught me how to shave with.
Gee, thanks, Frank.
No problem.
What the hell
are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm shaving.
Shaving what?
My face.
Yeah, well, I guess
that makes sense.
I see you've already
done your legs.
Yeah, hey,
hey, ho, buddy!
Hey, that's enough.
You're just going to shave,
not foam down
a runway, okay?
That's about enough
right there, okay?
Now, I want you to just
spread that all over
your face there.
Like this?
Yeah.
Yeah, nice, smooth.
Both sides.
That's looking good.
Okay, now and then
we need a little right
there.
Okay, now,
here's the razor.
Be very careful.
Nice, even strokes.
Straight down,
never sideways.
Hey, Frank,
I'm really shaving.
Just like I
learned to years ago.
My God, Mark,
what are you doing?
Man stuff, Mom.
Chicks. You gotta explain
everything to them.
Okay, that's
looking good.
Okay, turn around here.
Turn around.
Let me clean you off a little.
Let me see how you did.
Smooth
as a baby's butt.
You did a great job.
Thanks, Frank.
Frank, I really appreciate
you helping Mark out,
but he could have
cut himself.
Not without a blade
in the razor.
Okay, you pubescent
party animals,
dinner is served.
Tonight, we're featuring
pepperoni pizza.
And, for those
of you vegetarians,
I've picked the pepperonis
off this one.
All right.
Cody?
Yo.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, little birthday dude.
What's up?
You see that
pretty girl over there?
Righteous little
mini babe?
Devil with the blue dress on.
My sentiments exactly.
Her name is Marissa
and I really want
to dance with her
but I don't know
what to say.
Wow, all right.
Let me think about this
for a minute.
I got it! Okay, all right.
All right, check this out.
You just walk up to her
and you say,
"Marissa, would you
like to dance?"
Yeah, that'll work
really good.
The direct approach.
I'll give it a shot.
All right.
Hey, Marissa,
want to dance?
Okay.
Wow, you've really got
a lot of good moves.
Well, what can I say?
I make it my policy to
"get down" with Soul Train.
Anyone want to
hear another tape?
I have a better idea.
Why don't we play
"Spin The Bottle?"
Good thing I shaved.
Frank, we're going to need
twice as many chips as that.
Okay.
Hey, guess what?
They're playing
"Spin the Bottle" in there.
I'm going to go get
the video camera.
Gee, Frank, I don't know.
Do you think we ought to
let the kids play
kissing games in there?
Come on, honey,
they're just going to
give each other little pecks.
If they start playing
strip poker, we'll raid
the place, okay?
Yeah, I guess you're right,
no big deal.
I remember my first
boy-girl party.
We didn't play
"Spin the Bottle" though,
we played a game called,
"Three Minutes in Heaven."
I wound up in the closet
with Dak Bodak.
We didn't know
what we were doing
the first couple of minutes,
but we started kissing
and then Dak...
My God,
I've got to get in there.
No, no, honey.
In the first place,
we don't have
a closet in there.
And in the second place,
Mark isn't anything like
this Dak Bodak guy.
But, lucky for you,
I just might be.
All right, Marissa,
it's your turn.
Give it a spin.
Hey, is that lightning?
I don't see anything.
Must have been my imagination.
Hey, Mark, look,
the bottle'spointing to you.
Well, what do you know?
Happy birthday to me.
Hi, Mark.
Hi, Mom.
Well, you're certainly
in a good mood today.
Why shouldn't I be?
Thanks to this,
I'm a young man in love.
How come you're
so dressed up?
Well, I used my
birthday money to send
Marissa a dozen roses.
And I'm just going to
pop by her house
and see how she liked them.
Gee, Mark, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?
Mom, there are no stop signs
on the Highway of Love.
I'll get it.
Excuse moi.
Hi, Mark.
Hi. Come on in.
I was on my way to
surprise you and instead,
you surprised me.
Mom, this is Marissa.
Marissa, this is my Mom.
Hi.
Hi.
Mark, I came...
I know, you came over
to thank me for the flowers.
Forget it.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Actually,
I came over to return them.
"Return them?"
Why?
Well, it wouldn't be
right to keep them,
because I kind of like
somebody else.
But, I thought
you were my girlfriend.
I mean, we kissed
and everything.
Mark, the bottle
pointed at you,
so I kissed you.
Those are kind of the rules.
Right, the rules.
Well, I better go.
Thanks for inviting me
to your party.
Bye.
I'm really sorry, Mark.
Just leave me alone.
No, it's a car.
Gee, when I accepted
the challenge,
I had no idea
it would be so big.
I don't know nothin'
'bout fixin' no cars.
Laugh while you can,
barky, you're still
gonna lose the bet.
Okay.
I'm ready to help.
Hey, that's not
part of the deal.
Dana's got to do
all the dirty work herself.
I don't do dirty work.
I just read the instructions
and wear these cute coveralls.
Put a pan
in place, under the car,
to catch the old oil."
Well, my name's not Gomer,
but I'll give it a shot.
You know, Dana,
I'm really enjoying this.
I've always dreamed
about you being under a car.
Well, of course,
I was driving it.
Okay, the pan's in place.
What's next?
"Remove the oil plug
and let the oil drain
into the pan."
Got it.
Boy, I remember
my first oil change.
I was a mere lad of six,
knee high to a Pontiac.
Yeah, that's right.
It was a Tuesday.
It was raining.
Wait, come to think of it,
it wasn't Tuesday.
It wasn't raining.
We didn't have a car.
Man, I wonder whose oil
I did change?
Gee, that was tough.
All right, what's next?
"Make sure the oil
has finished draining
into the pan."
I can do that.
Here, hold this.
Cody, do you
know what this is?
Well, sure,
it's the oil plug.
All right, Karen,
put in the oil.
One bottle of oil,
coming right up.
Hey, JT, can I
talk to you for a second?
Dude, I kind of got
a moral dilemma here.
You know, I want to tell Dana
that she forgot to put
the oil plug back in,
but I'm supposed to
be an impartial observer,
so my tubes are tied.
What do you think
I should do?
Well, Cody, if I were you,
I'd just say nothing.
Are you sure that's
the right thing to do?
Yeah.
Okay, I got the oil.
This doesn't explode
like Champagne, does it?
Just put it in.
What happened?
This is what happened.
You see,
this is an oil plug.
It's what keeps the oil
inside of the engine,
instead of running out
all over you.
But I figured you'd know that.
After all, you know,
any idiot would.
Well, Dana, you know,
since JT got
a hundred on his test,
I guess I'm gonna have
to declare you
the loser of the bet.
But look at the bright side,
your face won't show
any wear for the next
five thousand miles.
Mark, you've been in there
over an hour.
Can't we talk about this?
Go away. I can't talk to you.
You're one of them.
One of whom?
Girls. That's whom.
You're all alike.
Okay, honey, I fixed
that outlet in the bedroom.
Anything else?
Mark had his heart broken
by some girl
and now he's locked
himself in the bathroom
and he doesn't even
want to talk to me.
Well, of course not, honey.
You're one of them.
Come on, this is man stuff.
Here, come on,
let me handle it?
Hey, Mark, it's your old
shaving partner.
Can I come in?
Are any of them out there?
Nope. All of them are gone.
Hey.
How you doing, pal?
Not so good.
I thought Marissa
was my girlfriend.
I guess I was wrong.
I hear you.
Boy, getting dumped
really hurts, doesn't it?
It sure does.
Yeah, I know.
but I've got to tell you,
pal, it's all part
of being a man.
I mean, when you grow up,
you've got to take some risks.
If you ask somebody
to be your girlfriend,
she might say, "no."
But you can't let that
stop you from trying,
because one day you're
going to find a girl
who likes you just
as much as you like her.
I know, but I want one now.
I know, that's all part
of being a man, too.
Well, that's why they
invented sports.
So that's why
JT runs track.
Exactly. So, you just
hang in there?
Thanks, Frank.
Hey, you have got
that manly stubble
happening again.
How long has it been
since you shaved?
About eighteen hours ago.
You got to do it again.
You get up there
and lather up,
and I'll go get my dad's
special razor?
Frank.
Yeah?
This time, can we
put a blade in it?
Yeah.
Hello, Judy.
This is Mark Foster.
Would you like to go to
the movies with me
Saturday night?
All right,
thanks anyway.
Shot down again.
I'm never going to get a date.
Mark, I'm a salesman.
Everything in life
is a numbers game.
You ask a hundred girls out
and one of them
is bound to say yes.
All right, call
number fifty eight.
Hello, Mary?
This is Mark Foster...
She hung up.
Fifty nine.
Hello, Becky?
This is Mark Foster.
Would you like to go
to the movies with me
Saturday night?
You would?
Well, thanks anyway.
Who's next?
Wait a minute.
That, that sounded
like she said "yes."
Wait a minute, she did!
Hello, hello, Becky?
Becky? Hello?
Where's her number?
look at this.
For only $8.95 a month,
we can join the Wild Game
Meat of the Month Club.
Wild Game? You mean
like deer and buffalo?
No, no, not just that.
Listen, we can get moose,
rabbit, bear, badger,
otter and beaver.
Frank, I am not
eating anything
that builds a dam.
All right, but when you see
how juicy my
badger burgers are,
I'm not sharing.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Mark.
How was school?
Unchallenging as usual.
You know what?
I'm going to talk
to the principal
and see if he can't
stiffen up the curriculum.
Well, that's fine, Mark,
but I wouldn't mention this
to your other classmates.
Hey, Mom, can we talk
about my birthday party?
Don't worry
about it, honey.
I've got it all figured out.
I've hired this guy
who's going to
dress up like a pirate.
Doesn't that
sound like fun, honey?
Mom, I'm turning thirteen.
I think the ship has sailed
on the pirate thing.
I mean, face it,
I'm becoming a man.
Well, all right, Mark,
what kind of party
do you want?
A boy-girl party.
With girls.
Lots of girls.
Yeah, he's thirteen.
Hi, Cody.
Hey.
The Kare bear
and the Dana burger,
home from their big day
at the Halls of Learning?
Hey, the Codeman,
sitting in front of the TV
like a big, giant sloth.
Yeah, buddy.
Hey, what were
you watching?
Man, Oprah's doing
a big special
on the "Adult Children
of Sumo Wrestlers."
Yeah, man, I thought
my parents messed me up.
Hey, guys, guess what?
I got my first "A"
in high school today.
All right,
way to go, Jackson.
What'd you get the "A" in, JT?
Auto shop.
"Auto shop?"
No, Auto Shop
is not a class.
It's a holding cell
for criminals until they
get out of high school.
No, you're wrong, Dana.
Auto shop's a lot tougher
than you think.
Hey, you gotta
learn a lot of
really complicated stuff,
like engineering, physics,
how to eat lunch
when your hands are,
like, really dirty.
Yeah. And for
your information,
I had to take
a very difficult final exam.
Yeah, right. What
did that consist of,
exposing your butt crack
while you checked the oil?
No.
I had to change the oil,
change a tire, and do
a complete tune up.
I'd like to see you do that.
If you can do it,
I can do it.
Why would you want to do it?
That's why God invented men,
to fix cars
and kill spiders.
I'm not talking about men,
I'm talking about JT.
If he can fix a car,
then anybody can.
Really?
Would you like to make
a bet about that?
Sure. What's the bet?
Okay.
You have to do my
final exam for auto shop.
If you pass, I have to do
your chores for a month.
If you fail,
you have to do mine.
You're on.
Boy, this would make
a great game show.
Automotive Battle
of the Step Siblings.
JT and the Dana burger,
come on down.
Who is it?
Yeah, it's me, Mark.
I need some nail clippers.
Come on in.
Won't bother you but a minute.
What are you doing?
You know,
getting ready
for my party.
Showering,
taking a shave.
A shave?
Really?
How long have you
been shaving, Mark?
Actually, Frank, this is
my maiden voyage.
I figured since I'm
turning thirteen, you know,
and becoming a man,
I probably needed one.
Well, let me
take a look here.
You definitely have some
manly stubble coming in there.
You know, since this
is your first time,
and a very important moment
in a man's life,
maybe I should help?
You lather up
and I'll go get
a special razor that my dad
taught me how to shave with.
Gee, thanks, Frank.
No problem.
What the hell
are you doing?
What does it look like?
I'm shaving.
Shaving what?
My face.
Yeah, well, I guess
that makes sense.
I see you've already
done your legs.
Yeah, hey,
hey, ho, buddy!
Hey, that's enough.
You're just going to shave,
not foam down
a runway, okay?
That's about enough
right there, okay?
Now, I want you to just
spread that all over
your face there.
Like this?
Yeah.
Yeah, nice, smooth.
Both sides.
That's looking good.
Okay, now and then
we need a little right
there.
Okay, now,
here's the razor.
Be very careful.
Nice, even strokes.
Straight down,
never sideways.
Hey, Frank,
I'm really shaving.
Just like I
learned to years ago.
My God, Mark,
what are you doing?
Man stuff, Mom.
Chicks. You gotta explain
everything to them.
Okay, that's
looking good.
Okay, turn around here.
Turn around.
Let me clean you off a little.
Let me see how you did.
Smooth
as a baby's butt.
You did a great job.
Thanks, Frank.
Frank, I really appreciate
you helping Mark out,
but he could have
cut himself.
Not without a blade
in the razor.
Okay, you pubescent
party animals,
dinner is served.
Tonight, we're featuring
pepperoni pizza.
And, for those
of you vegetarians,
I've picked the pepperonis
off this one.
All right.
Cody?
Yo.
Can I ask you a question?
Sure, little birthday dude.
What's up?
You see that
pretty girl over there?
Righteous little
mini babe?
Devil with the blue dress on.
My sentiments exactly.
Her name is Marissa
and I really want
to dance with her
but I don't know
what to say.
Wow, all right.
Let me think about this
for a minute.
I got it! Okay, all right.
All right, check this out.
You just walk up to her
and you say,
"Marissa, would you
like to dance?"
Yeah, that'll work
really good.
The direct approach.
I'll give it a shot.
All right.
Hey, Marissa,
want to dance?
Okay.
Wow, you've really got
a lot of good moves.
Well, what can I say?
I make it my policy to
"get down" with Soul Train.
Anyone want to
hear another tape?
I have a better idea.
Why don't we play
"Spin The Bottle?"
Good thing I shaved.
Frank, we're going to need
twice as many chips as that.
Okay.
Hey, guess what?
They're playing
"Spin the Bottle" in there.
I'm going to go get
the video camera.
Gee, Frank, I don't know.
Do you think we ought to
let the kids play
kissing games in there?
Come on, honey,
they're just going to
give each other little pecks.
If they start playing
strip poker, we'll raid
the place, okay?
Yeah, I guess you're right,
no big deal.
I remember my first
boy-girl party.
We didn't play
"Spin the Bottle" though,
we played a game called,
"Three Minutes in Heaven."
I wound up in the closet
with Dak Bodak.
We didn't know
what we were doing
the first couple of minutes,
but we started kissing
and then Dak...
My God,
I've got to get in there.
No, no, honey.
In the first place,
we don't have
a closet in there.
And in the second place,
Mark isn't anything like
this Dak Bodak guy.
But, lucky for you,
I just might be.
All right, Marissa,
it's your turn.
Give it a spin.
Hey, is that lightning?
I don't see anything.
Must have been my imagination.
Hey, Mark, look,
the bottle'spointing to you.
Well, what do you know?
Happy birthday to me.
Hi, Mark.
Hi, Mom.
Well, you're certainly
in a good mood today.
Why shouldn't I be?
Thanks to this,
I'm a young man in love.
How come you're
so dressed up?
Well, I used my
birthday money to send
Marissa a dozen roses.
And I'm just going to
pop by her house
and see how she liked them.
Gee, Mark, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?
Mom, there are no stop signs
on the Highway of Love.
I'll get it.
Excuse moi.
Hi, Mark.
Hi. Come on in.
I was on my way to
surprise you and instead,
you surprised me.
Mom, this is Marissa.
Marissa, this is my Mom.
Hi.
Hi.
Mark, I came...
I know, you came over
to thank me for the flowers.
Forget it.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Actually,
I came over to return them.
"Return them?"
Why?
Well, it wouldn't be
right to keep them,
because I kind of like
somebody else.
But, I thought
you were my girlfriend.
I mean, we kissed
and everything.
Mark, the bottle
pointed at you,
so I kissed you.
Those are kind of the rules.
Right, the rules.
Well, I better go.
Thanks for inviting me
to your party.
Bye.
I'm really sorry, Mark.
Just leave me alone.
No, it's a car.
Gee, when I accepted
the challenge,
I had no idea
it would be so big.
I don't know nothin'
'bout fixin' no cars.
Laugh while you can,
barky, you're still
gonna lose the bet.
Okay.
I'm ready to help.
Hey, that's not
part of the deal.
Dana's got to do
all the dirty work herself.
I don't do dirty work.
I just read the instructions
and wear these cute coveralls.
Put a pan
in place, under the car,
to catch the old oil."
Well, my name's not Gomer,
but I'll give it a shot.
You know, Dana,
I'm really enjoying this.
I've always dreamed
about you being under a car.
Well, of course,
I was driving it.
Okay, the pan's in place.
What's next?
"Remove the oil plug
and let the oil drain
into the pan."
Got it.
Boy, I remember
my first oil change.
I was a mere lad of six,
knee high to a Pontiac.
Yeah, that's right.
It was a Tuesday.
It was raining.
Wait, come to think of it,
it wasn't Tuesday.
It wasn't raining.
We didn't have a car.
Man, I wonder whose oil
I did change?
Gee, that was tough.
All right, what's next?
"Make sure the oil
has finished draining
into the pan."
I can do that.
Here, hold this.
Cody, do you
know what this is?
Well, sure,
it's the oil plug.
All right, Karen,
put in the oil.
One bottle of oil,
coming right up.
Hey, JT, can I
talk to you for a second?
Dude, I kind of got
a moral dilemma here.
You know, I want to tell Dana
that she forgot to put
the oil plug back in,
but I'm supposed to
be an impartial observer,
so my tubes are tied.
What do you think
I should do?
Well, Cody, if I were you,
I'd just say nothing.
Are you sure that's
the right thing to do?
Yeah.
Okay, I got the oil.
This doesn't explode
like Champagne, does it?
Just put it in.
What happened?
This is what happened.
You see,
this is an oil plug.
It's what keeps the oil
inside of the engine,
instead of running out
all over you.
But I figured you'd know that.
After all, you know,
any idiot would.
Well, Dana, you know,
since JT got
a hundred on his test,
I guess I'm gonna have
to declare you
the loser of the bet.
But look at the bright side,
your face won't show
any wear for the next
five thousand miles.
Mark, you've been in there
over an hour.
Can't we talk about this?
Go away. I can't talk to you.
You're one of them.
One of whom?
Girls. That's whom.
You're all alike.
Okay, honey, I fixed
that outlet in the bedroom.
Anything else?
Mark had his heart broken
by some girl
and now he's locked
himself in the bathroom
and he doesn't even
want to talk to me.
Well, of course not, honey.
You're one of them.
Come on, this is man stuff.
Here, come on,
let me handle it?
Hey, Mark, it's your old
shaving partner.
Can I come in?
Are any of them out there?
Nope. All of them are gone.
Hey.
How you doing, pal?
Not so good.
I thought Marissa
was my girlfriend.
I guess I was wrong.
I hear you.
Boy, getting dumped
really hurts, doesn't it?
It sure does.
Yeah, I know.
but I've got to tell you,
pal, it's all part
of being a man.
I mean, when you grow up,
you've got to take some risks.
If you ask somebody
to be your girlfriend,
she might say, "no."
But you can't let that
stop you from trying,
because one day you're
going to find a girl
who likes you just
as much as you like her.
I know, but I want one now.
I know, that's all part
of being a man, too.
Well, that's why they
invented sports.
So that's why
JT runs track.
Exactly. So, you just
hang in there?
Thanks, Frank.
Hey, you have got
that manly stubble
happening again.
How long has it been
since you shaved?
About eighteen hours ago.
You got to do it again.
You get up there
and lather up,
and I'll go get my dad's
special razor?
Frank.
Yeah?
This time, can we
put a blade in it?
Yeah.
Hello, Judy.
This is Mark Foster.
Would you like to go to
the movies with me
Saturday night?
All right,
thanks anyway.
Shot down again.
I'm never going to get a date.
Mark, I'm a salesman.
Everything in life
is a numbers game.
You ask a hundred girls out
and one of them
is bound to say yes.
All right, call
number fifty eight.
Hello, Mary?
This is Mark Foster...
She hung up.
Fifty nine.
Hello, Becky?
This is Mark Foster.
Would you like to go
to the movies with me
Saturday night?
You would?
Well, thanks anyway.
Who's next?
Wait a minute.
That, that sounded
like she said "yes."
Wait a minute, she did!
Hello, hello, Becky?
Becky? Hello?
Where's her number?