Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 14 - Read All About It - full transcript

Hey, Dana burger.

Cody,

do you mind picking up that box?

Well, yeah. It's kind of heavy.

That's why I put it down.

You just squashed my breakfast.

No way.

It doesn't look very appetizing.
You were going to eat that?

Not any more.

What are you doing with
all these books, anyway?

These are all the books
I read last week.



I've got to take them back
to the library.

You read all those books
in a week?

Yeah, buddy.

Yeah, I took a
speed reading course.

What made you do that?

A very interesting story.

Yeah, well,

I was watching that movie
"Psycho," you know,

Well, anyway,

that dude, Norman Bates,

he was a taxidermist.

So, I thought, "Wow,

"stuffing dead animals"...
that sounds pretty cool.

You know.



So, I went down
to the community college
to take a taxidermy course.

What does that have to do
with speed reading?

Wow, did I leave
that part out?

Man.

Well, anyway, all of the
taxidermy classes were full,

so I took a
speed reading class, instead.

Now, I can read a book
like a banshee,

but I can't stuff a parrot
to save my life.

Okay, Frank,

I'm done totaling my income
from the beauty shop.

Now, I'm going to need
your monthly income statements.

Okay, honey,

got 'em right here.

There you go.

Frank, these are place mats
from Charlie's Diner.

Well, sure, honey.

At the end of every month,
I go down to Charlie's
and I do my books over lunch.

Come on now, it's really simple.
Look.

See here. This one's spaghetti
and meatballs,

that's January.

And, this is,

meatloaf. That's February.

And that's Salisbury steak,
March.

Boy, that Charlie
sure is a whiz with
ground meat, isn't he?

Frank, could you just
get yourself a ledger book?

Well, yeah, I had one once.

I think I left it at Charlie's.

So, how'd we do?

Well,

not bad considering
there's a recession.

Really?

I'm amazed. I thought
I had kind of an off year.

Well, you did,
honey, but luckily
I kicked a little butt.

See.

You made more money than me?

Yeah, by about
four thousand dollars.

Four thousand dollars?

Well, that's impossible.
You must have made a mistake.

Well, let's see...

you're right.
This number's wrong.

I made six thousand more
than you.

How about that?

Well, obviously
your calculator is broken,

so I'm gonna take this stuff

down to Charlie's

and I'm gonna use his. Okay?

now, don't touch that stuff.
There's important documents
in there?

I don't believe it.

You won again.

Don't you ever lose?

Ryan, I've got
five older brothers and sisters.

This is the first time
I've won in three years.

Hey,

it's the Brend o matic
and the Ryan Express.

Just the dudes I wanted to see.

What's up, Codeman?
Hey, check it out, man.

The lady who runs Story Hour
down at the library
is gonna have a baby.

So I volunteered to
fill in for her.

You're gonna run Story Hour?
Can I come?

Yeah, of course you can.
What do you think,
I'm just telling you this

to mess with your head?

All right!

Ryan, you gotta come, too.

No thanks.

I don't really like the library.

Ryan, dude, are you kidding?

Man, the library's
totally awesome.

It's like a travel agency
for your mind.

Hey, any place you wanna go,

you can get there just by
opening a book. Like,

want to go to Mars?

Boom. Astronomy.

Like dinosaurs? Boom.
Prehistoric history.

Like Northern Italian cuisine?

Boom. We got a
killer pizza parlor
right next door to the library.

Come on, Ryan.
You gotta come to the library.

Yeah.
Well...

Okay.
Okay, cool, Ryan.

Two x squared plus "y"

divided by the square root
of 144 equals 2.

If "y" is six, what is "x?"

Not even warm.

Nope.

Ha!

"X" is three! "X" is three!

Thank you.

Hi, kids. What are you doing?

Mark's helping me
with my algebra.

Isn't that sweet.
Yeah.

Hey, Mark, wanna come upstairs
and help me with my
history homework?

Well-- I'd be delighted.

Mark, you better put on
a sweater. It sounds like
you're getting a cold.

Oof.

Hi, honey

Hi, Frank?
Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?
Sure.

Have you been out
looking for a part time job?

What, what makes you
think that, honey?

Well, Mr. Jenkins from the
hardware store called

and he said, "Tell Frank that
I don't have any part time work
for him."

I think you are reading
way too much into that.

Well, how about this?

Bob from the paint store called
and he said,

"Tell Frank I don't have any
part time work for him."

Okay, alright,
I'm looking for a part time job.

Frank.

Well, it's not like
I'm gonna find one, anyway.

Nobody's hiring.

I even tried the video store.

I had an interview
with the assistant manager,

pimply faced little kid
named "Skippy,"

or "Scotty," or "Scupper,"
or something.

Anyway, he turned me down, too.
Not only that,

he recognized me as the guy
who never rewinds
and he tore up my video card.

I don't believe this.

You are really upset

because I made more money
than you last year.

Don't be silly.

You think I walked around
all day thinking,

Boy, my wife made more money
than me last year.

I must be a real loser?

What kind of a wimp
can't pull his own weight?

Well, if that's what you think
I was thinking, then

I think what you were thinking
is wrong.

Frank.
Now, now, now, listen.

if it bothers you that much,
I won't even look for
a part time job any more.

Hello.

yeah, this is Frank Lambert.
It's for me, I got it.

Thank you. Hi,
thanks for calling back.

Yeah listen,

do you have to have a bicycle
to get a paper route?

No, no, no, I,
I can run like the wind.

The noble library.

The bastion of books,

the Fort Knox of knowledge,

and the only place left
in America where you can still
get a photocopy for a penny.

I'm gonna go return these books
before Story Hour.

Go for it, Jackson.

Hey, JT.

What's up, dude?
What are you reading?

I have no idea.

Well, no wonder.

It's upside-down.

Cody, I'm not here to read,

I'm here to
scope out the babes.

Reading is
part of my clever disguise

to appear intelligent.

Fooled me.

JT, there's this
gorgeous looking babe

by the card catalogue.
You gotta check her out.

Excuse me, Codeman,
while I further my education.

There she is.

That's no babe,
that's my stepsister.

Really?

I wouldn't mind
checking her out
for the weekend.

Man. You're sick.

Okay, little dudes,
everybody gather around,

it's reading time.

Okay, my name is Cody.

And I'll be running Story Hour
for a little while.

Now,

I do things
a little bit differently from
the other story lady.

number one,
I'm not gonna be having a baby.

And number two,

I'm not going to be the
only one reading here, okay?

Like, I'll read a paragraph,
then I'll pass it on
to someone else.

And that way, everyone
gets a chance to read, okay?

Um, I didn't know
we'd have to read.

Well, sure, Ryan, man.
It's a lot more fun that way.

Okay, today's story is called

Mo Mo Dixon and
the Magical Light Show.

One of my all time favorites.

A long time ago,

there was a little island
called Fire Rock

that had huge cracks running
right down the middle of it.

And every night, giant streams
of red hot lava would shoot out
of the cracks,

just like fireworks.

Unfortunately, the Dixon family
never saw the fireworks.

You see,

the Dixons lived on the
wrong side of the cracks.

Okay, little lady,
it's your turn.

Mr. and Mrs. Dixon
had three children

and the youngest was a boy
named Momo.

Heh, Momo.

And the one thing
Mo mo wanted more.

More than anything in the world

was to see the fireworks.

Um,

I don't really feel like
reading.

Well, Ryan, dude,
what's the matter?

I--
I have to go to the bathroom.

Boy, heh,

when nature calls,
Ryan really listens?

Cody, come here.

What's up, dude?

That's not why
he's running away.

He's kind of embarrassed
because he can't
read very well.

Wow,

reading problems
at the library.

That's kinda like being at
"Thirty one Flavors" and
having no taste buds.

Karen.

There is this really cute guy
over by the magazines.

Thank God.

For a minute there, I thought
this trip to the library was

gonna be a complete waste.

There he is.

Isn't he gorgeous?

That's not a guy,
it's my stepbrother.

Really?

He's got cute buns.

You're sick.

Okay, now remember,
my little pint sized
page turners,

next week
we're gonna be reading a taut

psychological thriller with
major social overtones.

It's called,
Johnny Gets A Red Balloon.

Okay, you guys take care now,
bye bye.

- Bye, Cody.
- Bye.

See you next week.

Okay.

Hey, Cody,
are you going to leave
right away?

No. I thought
I'd stick around

and see if I could
have a little chat with Ryan.

Okay, I'm gonna go find JT.

I want to see how many girls
shot him down today.

Hey, Ryan.

What happened to you?
We missed you during
Story Hour.

I-- had to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, I hear 'ya.
Been there, done that.

Hey, man,
why don't you have a seat.

See if we can have a little
man to man chat.

Now,

Brendan tells me
you're having a little bit
of trouble, reading.

He told you that?

I thought he was my friend.

He is. Hey,
he wasn't trying to
rat you out.

You know, he just thought
maybe I could help you.

I don't think
anybody can help me.

I'm not that good at reading.

Ryan, dude,

learning how to read is
just like learning how to
play the guitar, man.

Nobody is good right away.

You've gotta practice.

I don't know.
I just think it's too hard.

Well, okay, but you'd be
missing a lot of cool stuff.

What kind of stuff?

I don't know. Sports,

adventure stories,

science fiction, monsters.

Monsters?

I like monsters.

Dude, me, too.

Man, you've got to read
The Monster On Space Station X.

It's got this
really big monster that
spits this green ooze at you.

And if it hits you,
you don't die right away.

You just swell up really big
and then you explode,

and there's like brains
and guts and bone

flying all over the place.

That sounds cool.

Yeah, buddy.

So, whaddya say, man,
you wanna come here
and practice reading with me?

We could do it everyday.
We could just

read the books that you like.

But what if I make mistakes?

Dude, everybody makes mistakes.

You think I meant to
cut my hair like this?

Okay, Mr. Lambert.

Mr. Lambert?

Come on out.

Let me show you
where you'll be working.

Do I really have to
wear this thing?

Can't I just hand out coupons?

No, no, this is part of
our whole promotional campaign.

"Buck buck buck off a
bucket o'cluck."

Look, if you don't want
the job, just say so.

I mean, you're not the
only chicken in town.

No, no, I want the job. I do.

Buck off a bucket o'cluck.

Buck off some cluck in a bucket.

Cluck in bucket off here,
bucket o'cluck.

Jeez, I'm molting.

Thanks for picking me up
at Linda's.

No problem, honey.
What's for dinner

Well, Frank said
he's going to be late tonight.

So, I was thinking of
picking up some chicken
at Mr. Cluck Bucket.

Buck off a
bucket o' cluck!

Buck off a bucket o'cluck!

I hate my life.

Buck off a bucket o' cluck!
Buck off a bucket o' cluck!

Buck off a bucket o'cluck, here!

Buck off a bucket o'cluck!

Look,

some poor jerk
in a chicken suit.

I think it's kind of cute.

Buck off a bucket o'--

Buck buck, buck-buck
buck-buck.

Buck-buck.

Buck-buck-buck.

Buck buck.

Frank, what are you doing?

Mom, isn't it obvious?

The man you love
is standing out in public
in a chicken suit.

You must be very proud.

Dana, would you wait in the car.

No problem. I'm sure you and

Mr. Chicken have a
lot to talk about.

Frank, are you aware
of the fact that
you look ridiculous?

Really?

Carol, this is the only
part time job I could find.

I can not believe that
your ego is

so fragile that
you can't handle me making
more money than you.

I realize it's not very 90's or

liberated or hip,

but I was brought up to believe
that a man's job is to

provide for his family.
And if I can't do that for you,

then I don't feel
I'm doing my job
as a husband, honey.

So, what you're telling me
is that dressing up
like a chicken

makes you feel more like a man.

Well,

in a way,

yes.

Frank!

I did not marry you because
I wanted a provider.

I married you because
I love you.

I want to spend the
rest of my life with you.

And sometimes I'll make
more money than you,
but sometimes

you'll make more money than me,

it doesn't matter, Frank,
because we are a team.

Yeah, but Carol,
sometimes I feel
I'm letting the team down.

Frank,

you're not letting anyone down.

You're a terrific husband,

and you're a wonderful father.

And you're the only guy
in a chicken suit that's ever

turned me on.

Mom!

For God's sake, you're kissing
a chicken in public.

I have to live in this town.

A buck off a bucket o'cluck,
here.

Hey dog.

Down boy, down, down.
Come on.

Hey, lady, call of your dog.

Carol, Carol, he's got me.

You could choke on this
chicken bone, you know?

Cujo, Cujo, down boy, down.

Hey, good boy, good dog.
That a boy, stick with.

hey, watch the tail.

Okay, little reading maniacs,

come on over, it's Story Hour.

Everybody grab a seat.

we're going to get going here
pretty soon.

Hey, Ry man. How's it going?

Not so good.

I'm kind of scared about
reading in front of everybody.

Yeah, I hear you, little bro.

But don't worry, the Codeman
will be right here with you

and I wouldn't let you do
anything I didn't think
you could handle, man.

I hope you're right.

Totally, come on.

Okay, everybody, check this out.

Today's book is called,

It's a Bear Being a Bear.

Ironic title.

Okay,

now, "Once upon a time,

"there was a bear
named Huckleberry.

"That's right,
Huckleberry Bear.

"And, boy,
did he hate his name."

I love this book.

All right. Here, you read.

"How could my dad name me
'Huckleberry,' he said.

"I don't sound like a bear,
I sound like a cartoon."

"Why couldn't he name me
'Killer,' or 'Grizzly'

"or even 'Smokey?'

"Anything but Huckleberry."

"Then

"Huckle berry...

"thought...
maybe I'd get a new name

"if I did some thing...

"herc?

"... heric?

That's right.
Just sound it out

one syllable at a time,
like we practiced.

You'll get it.
He-ro-ic.

"Heroic."

That's right. He did it.

Is Ryan a great reader or what?

Alright,

now see, the point here is,

that you can learn anything
you wanna learn.
Just put your mind to it.

Like, take me for example,

I wanna learn
how to do taxidermy.

Anybody else here want to learn
how to stuff a parrot?

Yeah!

Okay. Next week, at my house.

Yay!

Yeah!

Woo, woo, woo, woo.

family read fest.
Gotta love that.

What'cha you reading, Carol?

The Mystery of
Cherokee Point.

Awesome book.

You'd never guess
the sheriff was the killer...

not in a million years.

Hey, JT.

Murder Times Three?

You're gonna freak
when you find that
the priest has a twin brother.

Man!

I'm not reading a mystery.

I'm just reading a book called, Wonder Dog.

Just don't get too attached
to that pooch.

He dies.