Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 16 - My Bodyguard - full transcript

Dudes! Dudes!

Impending doom!
Red alert!

Attention,
K Mart shoppers.

Problem, Cody?

Yeah,

I just had this really
weird dream about Al.

It was like
a warning, a premonition,

a fax
from the cosmos.

Al is going to jail.

Cody, relax.

Just because you dreamed it,
doesn't mean it's going
to happen.



Karen's right.

There is absolutely
no scientific basis for
believing in premonitions.

Scoff if you will,

old pooh-poohers
of the paranormal,

but I know what I saw.

It was Al.

Dude, she was
wearing a striped shirt
with numbers on it,

and she was
standing behind bars.

Ha, ha. Check it out,

she is going to jail.

Hey, guys, check out
my new hamster.

See him?

Wow!

It's just like
my premonition.



Striped shirt.
Numbers on it.

Behind bars.
Ha ha.

And dude, this explains
that big wheel in her cell.

I'm too tired to chew.

I'm so tired,
I've got Al's bra on

and I don't even care

Man,

did you guys hear
Dad snoring last night?

It sounded like a seal
trying to hock up a loogie.

Good morning, everybody.

Dad, you have got to
do something
about your snoring.

You kept
everyone up all night.

It wasn't me snoring.

It was Carol.

My mother snores?

How unattractive.

I hope
it's not hereditary.

Hello, everybody.

Isn't it a
beautiful morning?

What?

Nobody got
any sleep last night

because somebody
was snoring.

That's funny, I didn't
hear you snoring.

It wasn't me snoring.
It was you.

Me?

That's impossible.
Women don't snore.

It's a guy thing.
It's like...

Spitting and scratching.

Well, if it
wasn't you snoring,

there was a big moose
with a blond wig
sleeping with me.

Well, that is ridiculous.
I have never
snored in my life.

Why would I
suddenly start now?

Well, actually, Mom,
there's a very good
medical explanation.

You see, it's all part
of the aging process.

First, your nasal passages
are collapsing,

your uvula is elongating,

and face it, Mom,

gravity's taking
everything down south.

Well, well, Mark,
not everything.

Well, I don't care
what anybody says,
I was not snoring.

Mother, we all
heard it.

All right,
what did it sound like?

Dana, guess what?

Elaine is covering
for me tomorrow
at the beauty salon,

so I thought you and I
could go check out

that new exhibit
at the art museum.

Mom,
you know I'd love to,

but I'm going
to Chicago tomorrow.

I have an interview
at the college
with the Dean of Admissions.

You have
an interview tomorrow?

Why didn't you
tell me about that?

Mom...

let me try and say this
in a way that
won't hurt your feelings

Sometimes you can just be
a big pain in the butt.

Well, thank you,
sweetheart.

That's just what
every mother
wants to hear.

Well, Mom, come on.

If I told you
about this trip,

you'd want to come along
and you would
treat me like a baby.

I would not.
Mom.

You would pick out
my outfit, do my hair,
make my lunch,

and probably
cut the crusts
off my sandwich.

But, you like it that way.

Mom, it's only for one day.

And I really want
to do this by myself.

All right.

But you
have to promise me you'll be
careful. Alright.

And don't talk to strangers.

Big cities have
a lot of weirdos in them.

It's not like here.

Impending doom!

Okay, so it is
like it is here.

Dana, I just had this
terrible dream about you

and I woke up and
just rushed right in here.

And as you can see,
I'm, still dressed
for the boudoir.

Cody, it's 3:00
in the afternoon.

Why were you
still sleeping?

Well, I gotta call
this friend of mine
in New Zealand, you know.

And I want to get adjusted
to his time zone.

You know, there's an
International Dateline
and everything

and I'd hate to call him up,
ha ha, you know, today

and have his phone
ring yesterday.

I wasn't even
home yesterday.

Anyway,

I dreamed that a man
in a dark suit
is going to attack Dana.

Well, at first he'll seem
like a nice, normal guy,

but then when he's
gained your trust,
and sucked you in,

he'll turn on you

and attack you like
a Diamondback Rattler.

Well, Cody's dream
may be a little psychotic,

but he does make
a good point.

Chicago is dangerous.
I'm gonna go with you.
I'll go make the sandwiches.

Mom, it was
only a dream.

Yeah, but my dreams
have a strange way
of coming true.

Dana, I think you would be
much better off

if you did not leave
the house this weekend.

Cody, I have
a college interview
and I intend to keep it.

You'd be
much better off

if you just called up
and rescheduled.

I'm telling you.
What am I going to say?

I need to
reschedule because

some guy in
Bert and Ernie slippers,

living on New Zealand time,

had a dream that
I was going to get attacked
by a guy in a dark suit?

Well, there now,
that wasn't so hard,
now was it?

Cody, this interview
is very important to me.

I'm going to
Chicago tomorrow.

You know, Dana,

I'm beginning to think
you don't take me
very seriously.

Come on, Bert.
Come on, Ernie.

We'll go some place
where we're appreciated.

You know, Dana,
if I were you, I'd want to
get out of town, too.

Carol.

Honey. Honey.

Carol.

Carol.

Carol.

You were snoring again.

That's nice.
I miss you, too, honey.

Carol, I'm going to
roll you over
a little bit

so you don't snore.
Okay?

Here we go.

No, thanks, I already
had potatoes.

There we go.

Boy.

God!

Frank,
make her stop!

Yeah,
put a cork
in her mouth!

Okay.

Honey, I'm going to
prop you up here, okay,
just a little bit.

Okay, hand me a box
of cowboys.

Yee-ha!

There we go.
There we go.

That's it.

Good.

Yeah.

Here we are, Miss Foster.

If you'll just have a seat,
we can begin your interview.

Thank you very much,
Dean Stockwell.

Dean Stockwell?

Save yourself the trouble.
No Quantum Leapjokes.

I wouldn't know any.
I don't watch much TV.

Well, except PBS
and things like that.

You know, a reasonable,
well rounded amount

combined with a full array
of stimulating
extracurricular activities.

Nervous?

Just a little.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Yes. All right.

All right, all right,
I'll be right there.

Terribly sorry, but I must
go and speak
to the basketball coach.

It seems there's
a very talented young man
seeking admission.

Apparently, he can take
a cheeseburger off the rim
without actually jumping.

Obviously, college material.

Make yourself at home.

Psst, Dana.

This isn't happening.

Yo, Dana!

Cody, what are
you doing here?

Well, isn't it obvious?

I came to protect you.
Ha ha.

The old
"George the Janitor"
disguise.

Ha. Works every time.

How did you get in here?

You know,
for a major university,

this building
is not very secure.

All I had to do is
jimmy a window
in the basement,

crawl into a heating duct
and shimmy up
to the fifth floor.

Then you pretty much
got the run of the place.

Cody, listen very carefully.

I want you to crawl back
into the heating duct,

shimmy back down
to the basement

and jimmy yourself
out of here.

No way, man.

I've been hiding
behind those curtains
since 5:00 a.m.

I'm not going anywhere.

Unless it's to
the little boy's room.

Listen,
I don't care
how tall he is.

If he can't spell basketball,

then he can't come here
and dribble one.

Great drapes.

What, what kind of
fabric is this?

Cheap polyester.

Right. Spend the money
on the students.

Good thinking.

I'm sorry for
the interruption.

Now, in interviews
like this,

we like to get past
the student's
academic record

and find out more
about them personally.

Why don't you tell me
about your, family.

No!

Well, I mean, there's
not really much to tell.

I have a mother,
a brother, a sister,

and a bunch of step people
that have nothing
to do with me whatsoever.

Actually, I think
that's very interesting.

I find a lot of our students
come from blended families
these days.

What's it like for you?

Is there any friction
between you
and your step family?

Friction?

Well, we've had
our differences.

I mean, like, sometimes
they can be
really annoying,

showing up places
where you really don't
want them to be,

and you wish
they'd just go away!

Are you currently taking
any, special medication?

We just like
to know these things.

No. No, like I said,
I'm just kind of nervous.

So, what can you
tell me about the campus?

Well, the best thing about it
is that it's got the beauty
of a rural campus,

but it's convenient
to downtown Chicago.

Let me show you
what I mean.

If you lean out far enough,
you can see
the Sears Tower

right over
the science building.

I don't see it.

Lean out
a little further.

Don't do it, Dana,
it's a trap!

No. Cody.

Run! Run!
He's small,
but he's wiry.

Cody, stop it!

Cody, put him down.
You idiot!

Let him go!

Yes, please do.

Don't worry, Dana.
He can't hurt you now.

I've got him in my
"jaws of death" grip.
Heh, heh, heh.

I really am getting
rather dizzy.

Cody, think about it.

If he was going to
kill me,

would he do it
in his office and
make an appointment?

You have a point there.

Maybe what I thought
was an attempted murder

is actually just a
harmless college interview.

Yes!

Pfft.

Color me embarrassed.
Man.

We haven't been
properly introduced.

My name is Cody Lambert.

I'm one of those
step people she didn't
want to talk about.

Ha ha, how you doing?

I'd shake your hand,
but I seem to have lost
the feeling in my arms.

Dude,
that sounds serious.

Has that ever
happen before?

No, no, it just came on
a minute ago.

If you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go down
to the infirmary now

and get a full body x ray.

I'll go with you.

Maybe we could,
continue the
interview there.

No, no, I think I've
learned all I need to know
about you and your family.

Thank you.

Let yourselves out
when you're done.

Well, I thought
that interview went
rather well, don't you?

Are you crazy?

You just body slammed
the Dean of Admissions
and sent him to the hospital.

Dana, you know
what your problem is?
You're too negative.

No, my problem is you.

For the
nine billionth time,

you've screwed
things up for me,

only this time
it's serious.

I don't want to
see you again.

I don't want to
talk to you again.

I want you out of my life.

Yeah, sure.

He actually had the Dean
in a headlock?

Well, honey,
I know you're upset,

but I really don't know
any hit men.

Look, can we
talk about this

when you get home
in a couple of hours.

Well, actually,
that's why I called.

My bus was delayed,
so I won't be home
until after midnight.

Midnight?
That's so late.

Now, I want you
to be careful.

Mom, I'll be fine.

I'll see you
when I get home, okay?

Bye.

All passengers
on Bus 39 to Peoria,

please prepare
to board your bus
at Gate Number Three.

Last call for passengers
on Bus 4
to Madison, Wisconsin,

now departing
Gate Number One.

It took me an hour
to get a cup of coffee
out of this darn thing.

Excuse me, I think
I figured out the secret.

Well, I guess
I've lost my touch.

That's all right,
it just fits with
the rest of my day.

Having a bad one?

Well, it's a long story,
but basically, I blew
a college interview.

Boy.

You could use a break.

Hey, look,
there's a coffee shop
around the corner.

Let me buy you a cup.

No thanks. I think
I'll just stay here.

Come on, the fresh air'll
do you good.

Let's, get
something to eat.

No, thanks.
Excuse me.

Hey, come on.
Let's go for a walk.
Have a few laughs.

I'm not in the mood.

Let me go.

Relax,
I'm a really nice guy,
once you get to know me.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Hey!

I think you better
get out of here, dude.

Well, maybe I'm not
ready to leave yet.

Okay, I'm all warmed up.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
I just,

have to get
all my stuff together.

Look at this,
I forgot to pick up
my dry cleaning.

I can't believe
I forgot to do that.

I wanted to wear
my green sweater tomorrow.

God, Cody,
I was so scared.

Hey, it's okay, Dana.

Everything's going
to be okay.

Come here,
we'll sit down
for a second.

I thought
you went home.

Well, you know,
I started to,

but I couldn't shake
this feeling that
you were in danger.

Ha ha, man.

You know, so I tried
to just clear out my mind
as best as I could.

Well, usually I'm
pretty good at that.

But this time,
this weird feeling
kept coming over me.

Like some kind of
psychic snooze alarm.

Lucky thing
I didn't shut it off.

Pretty strange?

Cody, when it
comes to you,

nothing is normal
and everything
is strange.

Yeah, I know.

Come on,
I'll give you a ride home.

Is it okay
if we just sit here
for a sec?

Sure.

Think you can teach me
that karate kick thing?

Piece of cake.

No coffee machine
can stand up to it.

Thank you.

I just wanna go to sleep!

If I wasn't so tired,
I'd knock you out.

This snoring thing
must stop now.

Don't worry, Karen.
My dad said he's got
a way to fix the problem.

Okay, everybody, here we go.

Good idea, Dad.
Hot glue her lips together.

I can't do that, Al.
She's liable to blow
the back of her head.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, I got a buddy
who works at the runway
down at the airport,

he's gonna loan me some
of those earplugs they use

But in the meantime...

I'm gonna help you guys out
by weather stripping and
sound proofing this door.

Frank, aren't you concerned
that you're gonna wake Mom up?

Are you kidding me?
If she can't hear that snoring,
she can't hear this.

Yee-haw!