Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 1 - Way-Off Broadway - full transcript

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Mom.
Yes?

Could you help me
get ready for my date?

Sure, what do you want me to do?

Go away.

Dana, you've been dating
this boy for three weeks.

Why don't you want
me to meet him?

Because, mom, every time
you meet a guy that I'm dating

you embarrass me.
I do not.

Mother. Showing
naked baby pictures,

and revealing my old bath-time
nickname is embarrassing.



You mean "Princess Bubble Buns?"

I think it's cute.

Mother, I'm begging you.
Do not embarrass me.

Hi.
Hi. That's my mom. Let's go.

Hi, I'm Daniel.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
Well, same here.

Dana tells me
you're directing a play

at the
Port Washington Playhouse.

Yeah. We start
auditions tomorrow.

And I talked Dana
into trying out for a part.

Well, she will be great.

I mean, I don't wanna
brag or anything, but...

the theater does
run in her blood.

God.



In fact, I,

"trod the boards" myself
in Bye Bye Birdie.

Really? In summer stock
or regional?

In camp.

Hey...

did this mayonnaise go bad
or is there just chives in it?

Hey, Cody.

Daniel, dude!

What're you doing here?

You two know each other?
Yeah, of course.

Cody is donating his time
to build our sets for us.

Well, that's so
nice of you, Cody.

Well, you know, after
all my years in demolition,

I kind of look at it as my way

of giving something back.

Cody, can I see you
in the kitchen for a second?

Sure. So, dude, what are you--

Dude, this is so weird.

Cody.
I mean, it doesn't say

a thing about
chives on the label.

Cody!

Look, I'm only
gonna say this once.

So, pay attention.

Through yet another,
cruel twist of fate,

you and I will be working
at the same theater.

Now, I really like Daniel.

So, I'm telling you, don't do
anything to embarrass me.

You got it.

I will not do a thing
to embarrass you. Okay?

You know, you might wanna
have a similar conversation

with your mother.

And no one would be better

Mother?

Why did you have to lend

Frank your car when you know
there's a sale at the mall?

People are out there
buying things that should

rightfully be mine.

Karen, number one,

you are a very sick child.

And second, Frank's truck
is in the shop and somehow

I didn't feel it was fair
to make him walk eight miles

to work.

You know, mother, you baby him.

Hi, honey. Hi, Karen--
Gimme those keys!

There's a sale somewhere,
isn't there?

Yes, and she's late.

Denim world already called,
wondering where she was.

Bye.

Karen?

Hey, dad. My friend Doug called.

Said he saw you
at the golf course.

What?
I don't want Carol to know

I played golf this morning.

Why?

Because the doctor
said I shouldn't play golf

for a month
because of my bad back.

And I promised Carol I wouldn't.

Well, did you hurt your back?

No.

So, then, why can't you
just tell her you played

and you're fine?

You're not married, are you?

You see, son,
Carol has this thing

about keeping promises.

To her, it's the same
as telling the truth.

She thinks, that if you
don't tell the truth,

you're, like... a liar.

Well, you are kind of a liar.

You're missing
the point here, son.

Women have a way
of blowing these things

all out of proportion.

You see, it won't be about golf,

it will be about respect,
and love, and trust and my back

will be fine but,
my head will be killing me.

Dad, how come you're
not wearing your wedding ring?

'cause I always
take it off when I play golf

and put it in my pocket.

It's not in my pocket.

I must have dropped it
in the golf cart.

I gotta get it
before Carol sees it's missing.

Dad! Dad, your truck
is in the shop.

Yeah, right.

I'm sorry, pal.

It's an emergency.
I need the wheels.

Hey!

Hey, where are you going
with my bike?

The secret to acting

is tapping
into your raw feelings

and letting them out.

Right. Feelings like
anger, joy and pain.

I'd like to try an exercise.

Scream like you are truly
in excruciating pain.

All right?

Dana, you go first.

More.

You're too controlled.

Right. You have to let go.

Fill this room with pain!

Now, that's pain!

Study this man.

Notice the color
draining from his face.

The way his eyes
are rolling back into his head.

I mean, this man is obviously
in excruciating pain.

Yeah, buddy!

You know, Cody,

while you were writhing
in agony,

I couldn't help but notice
the power of your voice.

Dude, you should have heard me
that time I put that jackhammer

through my boot.

It's not just your voice,

it's your presence, and
the ease with which you move.

Have you ever
thought about acting?

No! He hasn't.

Ever.

Yeah, Dana is right.

I mean, acting is
for the creme de la crop.

Yeah, me...
I'm just a simple craftsman

who likes
to work with his hands.

Which, might not be possible
till this nail falls off.

Well, I think you're a natural.

How can I get you
to give acting a try?

Well, you could start
by paying for a tetanus shot.

Dad, did you find
your wedding ring?

No.

But, Brendan's bike
gave me a major wedgie.

It's a banana seat, daddy.

You'll get used to it.

Hey, dad! Wife alert. Carol
just pulled in the driveway.

Okay, this is not a problem.

I'll just...

put my hands in my pockets.

She'll never suspect a thing.

Yeah, right.

No, really this is gonna work.

Sure, it will.

Can I have your truck
when Carol kills you?

Now, go! Go! Scoot, go!
I work better alone.

Come on, go. Go, go!

Hi, Frank.
Carol. Hi, honey.

Karen, how was the mall?

I was five minutes late, Frank.

How do you think it was?

Frank, could you help me
with these bags?

I think Karen
has been through enough.

Sure, honey.

Frank, is there something wrong
with your hand?

Just a little something
down on the construction site.

Well, hey, it's no big deal.

Well, let me see.
Did you hurt yourself--

No. No, it's fine.
Well, let me see it.

Well, it looks fine, but...

where is your wedding ring?

Frank Lambert,
did you play golf?

With my back?
Do I look like an idiot?

Well, then, where is the ring?

The only time
you ever take it off

is when you play golf.

Well...

Well, yeah. Honey,

normally. But, today...

I took it off

and loaned it to a guy at work,

named Scott. You know Scott.

Why would you loan
your wedding ring to Scott?

He didn't have one.

But he's not married.

True.

But he's thinking
of getting married

and you know, wanted to know
what it felt like to wear a ring

before he proposed.

Can I have the keys
to your car, honey?

I think I dropped something.
Work related...

I'd like to find it.

Sure.
Thanks.

Mother, I don't get it.

Why didn't you just tell Frank
you found his ring in the car?

Because...

I want him
to admit that he played golf

when he wasn't supposed to

because of his back.

But he didn't hurt his back.

You are not married, are you?

Okay, here is the cast list.

Find your names
and be ready to start rehearsals

tomorrow night.

I can't believe it,

I'm Juliet!

Thank you.

Woah! Dude, I'm playing Romeo!

Now, that's a scream of pain.

Mother, you are not
gonna believe this.

I've been cast as Juliet.

That's great!

And Cody is playing Romeo.

That's... an unusual choice.

There is no way
I can play a part

where I have
to be attracted to Cody.

Well, why not?
He's a good looking guy.

Mom, we're talking about Cody.

A grown man, who lives in a van,

reads comic books,

and gets a kick out of digging
wax balls out of his ears.

Well, I think it's cool
he lives in his van.

I cannot pretend
to love a man who can

belch the Star Spangled Banner.

Okay. So he's a little off beat.

But he's sweet
and cute and funny.

I mean, put him in
an Armani suit

and stick him behind the wheel
of a BMW, and he'd be a real

stud muffin.

He is Cody.

He's bizarre.
He belongs in a freak show

between Lobster boy
and Merle, the three headed cow.

Dana, I'm getting
a little sick of your attitude.

Everyone here, can find

lots of wonderful things
to say about Cody.

But you can't even think of one.

Obviously, the problem
isn't Cody, it's you.

Boy, you really let her have it.

Do that more often,
and I'll start calling you Mom.

And up, and down,
and bend, and stretch.

And up, and down,
and bend, and stretch.

Man, I love a good work-out.

Do that squat-thrust thing
again, ladies.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one!

J.T.,

where's Carol?

Upstairs, I think.
Perfect.

Look what I got.

You found your wedding ring.

No. Went down
to the jewelry store

and got a perfect match.

Now, I can just tell Carol
I got my ring back from Scott.

Carol is not gonna buy that.

You know what
your problem is, son?

You don't recognize real genius

when you see it.

Frank?

Watch.

Hi, Frank. Guess what?

I ran into Scott and he
gave me back your wedding ring.

That's impossible.

Why is that impossible?

Yeah, dad.

Why is that impossible?

Go away.

Frank, take your left hand
out of your pocket.

No.
Why?

I don't want to.
Really?

Why is that?

Because, I've grown
rather fond of you, Carol.

And I sure would
like to stay married.

Give it up, Frank.
I know you played golf.

I found your ring in the seat
of my car, last week.

Last week?
Yeah.

You let me sweat
for a whole week?

You bet I did!

I even spent 15 bucks
on a fake gold ring!

Yeah? Well, I was hoping
you would come clean.

But you didn't. You lied!
Well, you made me.

I made you. Right.

Well, you always turn
everything into such a big deal.

This is not about trust,
it's about golf!

Well, you are a liar!

Well, you're a nag!

Nag?

You promised you'd
never call me that.

I lied.

You know something, Frank?
You are so low.

Well, you are an uptight,
compulsive, weirdo!

Well, you are a slob!

Well, I don't like your mother!

Well, I don't like
your grandmother.

Aha! My grandmother is dead.

Well, I don't...
like her pictures.

Don't you laugh at me, mister!

You cannot laugh
when we are having an argument.

It's against the rules.

You are not
taking this seriously.

Now, wait a minute.

Let me see
if I've got this straight.

I lied about playing golf,

so you lied about finding
my ring in the car.

So, now, you hate
my dead grandmother's pictures?

Frank, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to turn this into a big deal.

I just, really worry
about your back.

Well, I'm fine, honey.

And I'm really,
really sorry that I lied.

Is the argument over?
Yeah.

Now, take off that other ring
and let me put on the real one.

What?

Where are you going?
Upstairs, to get a heating pad.

I knew you'd hurt your back.

Why don't you ever listen to me?

Nag.

Liar.

Weirdo.

Idiot.
Ding-dong.

Weirdo.

Speak again,
bright angel.

For thou art
as glorious to this night,

being o'er my head,

as a winged messenger of heaven

to the wide, upturned
wondering eyes of mortals,

As they fall back
to gaze upon him,

as he bestrides
a lazy puffing cloud

and sails upon
the bosom of the air.

Romeo. Romeo...

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father
and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou wilt not,

be but sworn...

my love,

and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

All right. Stop.

Let's take five. Dana,
can I see you for a moment?

That was pretty good.

Look...

This just isn't working.

I think we're gonna have to
make a change in the cast.

Well, don't worry
about it too much.

Cody will get involved
in welding and he'll be fine.

Umm...

I'm not talking about Cody.

I'm talking about you.

I don't think Juliet
is the right part for you.

What do you mean?

Look, nothing personal,

but you almost lost your lunch
when you had to call him
"my love."

Now, I don't think that's what
Shakespeare had in mind.

So, what are you saying?

Because I can't find anything
appealing about Cody, I'm fired?

I'm sorry.

"But soft, what light through
yonder window breaks?

It is the east

and the Danaburger is the sun."

Dude, I got it.

Hey, Dana.
Do you wanna run some lines?

Cody, I've been fired.

Why?

I just don't think she was
very convincing as Juliet.

Well, okay. Granted,
her acting technique

is a little limited and her
subtext is kind of foggy, but...

I mean, the chick she's playing
is a mondo suicidal,

unstable freak. Who is
going to know the difference?

Look, I'm sorry.

All right, I like Dana a lot.

But, she's not doing
a very good job acting

and the most
important thing is the play.

That's where
you're wrong, dude.

The most important thing
is the people.

Cody, it's okay.

No, it's not.

I mean, hey, Dana has been
trying really hard here.

Obviously, that's not
important to you.

Well, if that's
the kind of dude you are,

I don't wanna be
in your play either.

Cody, you don't have
to quit just because of me.

I'm sure I do.

You're my friend.

You're a lot more important
to me than a stupid play.

And besides,

I'm gonna look pretty lame

standing there
in a pair of tights

talking to an empty balcony.

Well, thanks for sticking up
for me, anyway.

It was a really
sweet thing to do.

Very loyal and...

generous and giving.

I guess, those are
pretty appealing qualities

in a person.

Poignant moment.

The magic of the theater.

A great acting team is born.

Like, Bogart and Bacall,

Tracy and Hepburn,

Regis and Kathy Lee.

And now,
the greatest American duo

ever to grace the stage,

the Codeman and the Danaburger.

Let's not get carried away.
Why don't we just settle

for being friends?

Yeah, you got it.

It's just like
that Shakespeare dude said,

"A friend by any other name
would smell as sweet,

until death do us part."

Could that Shakespeare
dude write or what?

You...

Okay. Now, that we've settled
our creative differences,

let's rehearse
the balcony scene.

Romeo. Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Romeo. Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Yo, Romeo! I'm dying here!

I'm sorry for
the delay there, my Juliet.

These tights are riding up
on me something fierce.

No wonder
those Shakespeare dudes

talk so funny.

Just hang on there, my Juliet.
Your Romeo is a coming.