Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Apartment - full transcript

Hey, Carol.

Morning, Cody.

Morning?

Hey, Carol.

you ever start welding
and, like,

completely lose track of time?

Yeah, I hate when that happens.

No wonder Darth Vader had
such a major 'tude.

He never knew
if it was day or night

Honey. I'll be home by five
for dinner.

Frank, just a minute.



I was going over the books
and I noticed that

Rusty's Appliance Store
didn't pay you for the shelves
you put in.

Rusty was a little short
on cash so I made him a deal.

No. This isn't going to be
like the time you remodeled
the Chinese restaurant

and they paid you with
four hundred pounds of
kung pao chicken.

This is gonna be even better.

Honey,

Rusty is going to give me
my choice of

any TV in the store.
Now we can have one
in the bedroom.

No, Frank,
you know I have a rule.

No entertainment
in the bedroom.

Other than me.

Yeah, but Carol,

sometimes you're reading or
mad at me



and I don't have
anything to do.

Frank, if we have a TV
in the bedroom,

you'll watch sports
all the time.

Carol, I'll make you a deal.
If I watch sports instead of

paying attention to you,

the TV is out of there.

Promise?
On a stack
of kung pao chicken.

Okay, deal.

Hey, Mom. Mom. Mom.

Excuse me--
Mom, I have a question.

Excuse me.
I was kissing my wife.

Right. Sorry, Frank.

Anyway, Mom,

Traci's sister is
going to France
for three months.

and she has this apartment
that's gonna be vacant.

And you want to housesit?

Yes!
No!

But, Mom--
I am sorry.

You're not moving into
your own apartment.

But, Mom, this house is
really crowded

and I'm almost
eighteen years old,
I need my privacy.

Plus, it's only
two blocks away.

Dana, when you go away
to college you can live
on your own,

but as long as you are
living under this roof...

You are living under this roof.

Great.

Thanks a lot for treating me
like a baby, Mom.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm going upstairs now.
My Huggies are bunching up.

I can't believe she wants me
to let her move into
her own apartment.

Well, to tell you the truth,
honey, I don't think
it's such a crazy idea.

I think it's a terrible idea.

Carol, she's gonna be
going away to college
next fall anyway.

This'll give her a chance
to live on her own.

and she'll just be down
the street from us.

I don't know. I'm just
not comfortable with it .

Carol, you're going to have to
let her move out someday.

Yeah, I know.

I was just hoping
I'd be dead by then.

Okay,

here are a few snacks to

tide you over
in your new apartment.

Mom,

I know you're trying to help,
but,

I'd rather cook for myself.

I understand.

You don't need my home,

why should I think
you would need my food.

Okay, Dana,
we got all your stuff.

- Would you open the door?
- Sure.

Thanks.

Frank, come on, honey.
It's time to go.

Carol, where's the kids?

Out in the truck.

Good. Come in the bedroom.

Frank, I don't think
we have time for that.

No, no, honey, not that.

I want you to see the new TV.
You're gonna love it.

Frank, I'm just not sure
about this television up here.

I'm afraid it'll dominate
the whole bedroom.

Relax, Carol.
It blends right in.

There she is.

Is she a beauty or what?

Are you insane?

Where's my dresser?

I had to move it
into the bathroom.

The bathroom?

Yeah, I had to make room
for these speakers.

Honey, wait 'til you see
the picture on this bad boy.

Is this gonna be relaxing
or what?

Dana,

I just want you to know that

there's an empty place
in my life where
you used to be...

so I'm getting a turtle.!

Son, are your ears ringing?

No.

You stay here, they will be.

Wow,

this place is so cool.

It's just like my van

only a little bigger

and there's no gasoline fumes.

Well, I hate to
rush things along,

but I do have an exam tomorrow.
I should start studying.

Yeah.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Mom, you promised
you wouldn't cry.

Why would I cry?

Just because the next time you
come over, you'll be a visitor
in my home.

Frank?

Yeah, Honey, come on.

Carol... Carol.

Come on, honey, let's go.

Bye. Don't forget to floss,

and don't go to sleep
with your hair wet, okay?

And if a guy shows up and says
he's from the gas company,

you ask for identification.

And remember,
the tuna in a three pack

is cheaper than the individual--

Well, Cody, bye-bye.

Hey, listen, Dana,

I know you're
real excited about,

you now, having your own place
and all, but,

take it from me,

living by yourself

is just like living alone.

Thanks for the tip.

Okay.

Anyway, listen, you know,

sometimes when you're
on your own,

you need somebody
to tell your troubles to.

So, I'm going to introduce you
to someone who's always been
there for me.

Dana,

meet Gordon.

This is Gordon?

Yeah, well,

I know he doesn't
look like much

but, you know,
he's an excellent listener.

He's not like one of those guys,
you know, who, when you

telling them your problems,
they just start telling you
their problems.

Cody,

I know you are trying to help,
but,

I am not going to be lonely
and I am,

certainly not going to
talk to a houseplant.

Well,

that's cool with Gordon.
I mean,

Sometimes we go days without
talking to each other.

Although I usually break first.

Isn't that right?

Goodbye, Cody.

Bye, Dana. Hey, here.

Bye, Gordon.

Hey, call if you need anything.

I'm not going to need anything.

I was talking to Gordon.

My own place.

Honey, just so you know,
there's a fire escape out here

and if I can climb up,
anybody can.

So, don't forget to
double lock your windows.

Goodbye, mother.

Good idea. Keep the shades down.
No sense inviting trouble.

And did I mention that tuna
in a three pack is cheaper
than the individual?

And if it looks like
rain, carry an umbrella.

And don't walk along on a cold floor without slippers.

Hi, guys.

Good,
you're home from school.

How's Dana?
What was she wearing?

Does she look thin?
Did she ask about me?

She's fine, mother.

And I'm fine, too.
Thanks for asking.

I love you, honey.

I love all my children
just the same.

I have to call Dana.

Come on, Carol,

give the girl a break.
It's been less than a week.

The last thing she wants
is to hear from her mother.

Look, Operator,
I realize I've called before

but I am telling you,
my phone must be broken.

My own mother
hasn't even called.

What do you mean,
you don't blame her?

Listen, pinhead.

Hello?

Jerk!

I do not need
to talk to my mother.

I live alone.

I can do anything I want.

Read it.

Read it.

Read it, twice.

Great!

The dinner bell.

Soup for singles.

What an inspiring product.

When you are too busy to cook.

That's me.

Busy, busy, busy.

You know who eats this slop?

Losers.

Losers and people
whose families

make a big deal about
how much they

care about you,
how much they miss you...

But do they call? No.
They just sit at home,

talking and laughing,

eating real food
and having a great time.

Well, you know what
I say to them, Gordon? I say...

I say, God,
I'm talking to a plant.

I'm turning into Cody.

I'm gonna spend the
rest of my life living in
other people's driveways,

saying "dude" and

I can't take this.
I've gotta move back home.

Hey, guys, guess what
I learned today?

What?

Man. I give you nerds the
perfect opening to insult me

and none of you takes a shot?

Boy, things have really gone
downhill since Dana moved out.

Sorry, JT.

I don't follow.

Look, Poindexter,

you and The Little Mermaid
over there are the Fosters.

And since Dana's gone,

it's your job to slam me
every chance you get.

Well, JT, I don't insult you
because

I don't think about you
that much.

That was kind of rude.

Does that count as an insult?

You dinks are pathetic.

I'll venture an insult, JT.

Give me the setup again.

Okay. "Hey, Mark, guess what
I learned today?"

Well, factoring in your low IQ,

sloppy study habits and
frequent trips to detention,

I'd say...

...not much.

Hi.

Hi, what are you
doing here?

I need to talk to mom.
Where is she?

In the kitchen.
Thanks.

Hey, Dana.

Guess what I learned today?

How to use the litter box
instead of a tree?

Now, that's how it's done.

Hi, mom.

Dana, it's so good
to see you. I missed you.

I love you. I love you.
I love you.

I'm sorry.

Hello, Dana.

How are you?
I'm fine.

It's good to see you too, Mom.

Listen.

I know we had
a disagreement about
me moving out, but

now that I've been gone
for almost a week.

You don't have to say anything.

I was completely out of line.

Mom--
No, really.

I realize that even though
I'm your mother,

you are almost eighteen now
and I have no right to
treat you like a baby.

I mean, only a baby
wouldn't be able to
handle living on her own.

Only a baby couldn't live
without her family.

I can't believe that I thought
that you would be so infantile

that you would come
crawling back after a few days

and beg to come home again.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

So, how's living on your own?

You know,

busy, busy, busy.

What are you cooking?

Nothing much.

Roast turkey,
chestnut dressing,

those little buttered
baby carrots,

creamy mashed potatoes and
my homemade cornbread.

But don't worry.
I'm not going to force you to
take any of these things home.

Thanks, Mom.

Frank, I am so proud of you
for keeping your promise.

You haven't watched sports
on that TV all week.

And you know what, honey?
I haven't even missed it.

In fact, it was really romantic

last night when
we watched "Casablanca."

It kind of turned me on.

Yeah, me, too.

Play it again, Frankie.

Dad, Dad, let me in!

Get lost.

Dad, it's an emergency.

- My god!
- No, don't fall for that.

We have to.
What if it's an emergency?

- But it's JT.
- Dad, Dad, Dad,

Michigan State just went into
sudden death.

when did this baby
cruise into town?

JT, that is
a private television.

Hey, guys, major tube
in the geezers' room.

Son, Carol and I
would like to be alone.

Well, then you
shouldn't have had kids.

Check this out!

Alright, everybody, downstairs.
Come on,

move it. Everybody. Come on,

you too, short stuff.

You, go, go, go, go, go.

Where were we?

Frank, aren't you
forgetting something?

Like what?

The TV. The...

Game. Okay, well.

The TV is officially, off.

Let me see if I can find that
special spot on your neck.

Yes!

Oohhh.

That didn't take long.

Carol, find the spot
on my neck again.

Oooh, Frank, I love it
when you take charge.

That's it. Yeah, that's it.
A little lower, honey.
A little lower.

Wonderful. This is it.

Yes, keep going! Keep going!

Go, go, go, touchdown!

Ha!

You know, Carol,
I've been thinking.

This television is an intrusion.

I think I'll take it back and

trade it in on a

washer and dryer...

and jewelry.

Hi, come on in.

Gordo, my main man.

Slap me some leaf.

So, Dana?

What do you need us to fix?

Fix?
Yeah.

Yeah, fix. Ummm.

I need you to fix the window.

Okay, I'll take a look at that.

Pull up.

It's one of those kind.

Thanks.

Well, you're welcome.

Let's go, Cody. Bye, Dana.

Don't go!

I mean...

stick around. We can "hang."

"Hang?"

Sure. Just like old times.

The three of us kicking back

and having some laughs?
Me, Frankie, and the "Codeman."

Yeah, Cody,

you want to go down and
warm up the truck? I'll be down
in a couple of minutes.

Sure. Yeah.

Keep an eye on her, Uncle Frank.
I think she's on the last train
to Fruitcake City.

So, Frank,
how's the construction business?

Dana, I think I can see
what's going on here.

You're kinda lonely living here
by yourself, aren't you?

Me, lonely?

Look, I know you and your mom
had this big thing about
you moving out.

But if you miss us and
you want to come home,
just say so.

I don't want to move back home.

Only a baby would come
crawling back after a week.

And I don't miss you.

Well, this may
come as a surprise.

Because it
certainly surprised me.

But, I,

kinda missed you this week.

You did?

Dana,
when I married your mother,

I knew that taking on
three more kids was
a big responsibility.

But it's worth it.

Because I love Carol.

What I didn't realize is,

after a couple of years,
I would grow to love you, too.

In fact, this last week
made me realize just

how much I'm actually
going to miss you

when you really do go away.

It's gonna be like
losing a daughter.

I missed you too, Frank.

I missed everybody.
I even missed JT.

My God, you were lonely.

Come on, I'll help you pack.

Thanks.

I'll take that.

Me and Gordon have grown
kind of close.

Now, on Monday,
Gilligan and the gang
almost got rescued.

Yeah, and the Professor
made a radio
out of a coconut.

But that bonehead Gilligan
ate the radio.

So they're still
stuck on the island.

But then on Tuesday,

Gilligan and the gang
almost got rescued

when these Russian
cosmonauts accidentally
landed in the lagoon.

But that bonehead Gilligan
managed to mess it up again.

Dude, I'm beginning
to think they're never
gonna get off that island.