Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Making of the President - full transcript

[instrumental music]

"Hello there, magic fans.

"I am the great Brendini.

"And this is my lovely assistant

insert name here."

Al.

And get on with it

before I insert fist here.

Isn't she lovely?

"And now, ladies and gentlemen

prepare to be amazed!"



Dude, I'm already amazed.

[chuckles]

And now, for my first trick

I will perform

the mystery
of the disappearing egg!

Hey, I can't find it.

It disappeared?

[laughs]
Awesome!

Yeah. Dude, he's pretty good.

[laughs]

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪



♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause
you're puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[Dana]
'"And so with a stronger
emphasis on academics'

"combined
with a guest-lecture series

"and more helpful foods
in the vending machines

"I think
we can all reach our goals

if you elect me to be
your student-body president."

Thank you.

Well, that was wonderful, Dana.

If I was in high school,
I'd vote for you.

Wasn't that wonderful, Frank?

Well, uh, it was good, but..

I have one major political
difference with you, Dana.

Um, about this vending machine
thing, you're not gonna get rid

of those little
peanut-butter crackers, are ya?

And risk losing the skippy vote?

Never.

If you ask me,
student government

is a total waste of time.

The only people
who care about it are geeks.

It's a government of the geeks,
by the geeks, for the geeks.

Thank you, J.T.,
for that bicentennial moment.

Hey, now listen, pal,
if you don't like the way

your student government works

you can always run for president
and change it.

Yeah, right, dad.

Well, why not?

Politics
is in the Lambert blood.

I don't know
if you remember this or not

but I was elected president

of the Milwaukee
Tile And Grout Association.

Ah, well, now that explains

the Secret Service protection.

Forget it, dad, I have no
interest in student government.

I got better things to do
with my time.

Like, detention.

That's one.

And extra chores
for not telling your dad

about your detention.

[sighs]
That's another.

Well..

...I've practiced my speech

and gotten J.T. in trouble.

[chuckles]
Not bad for a morning's work.

[instrumental music]

"And so with a stronger emphasis
on academics

"combined
with a guest-lecture series

"and more helpful foods
in the vending machines

"I think
we can all reach our goals

if you elect me to be
your student-body president."

Thank you.

[applauding]

Boy, and I thought
she was boring at home.

You know, I'm sick of this.

Every year, same speeches

different geeks.

Yeah, I mean, who cares about

longer library hours

and a salad bar
in the cafeteria?

Yeah,
I want shorter library hours

and a topless bar
in the cafeteria.

Now you're talkin'.

Yeah, J.T.,
maybe you should run.

Maybe I will.

Alright, settle down,
settle down.

I'd like to thank
the declared candidates

for their fine speeches.

If anyone else would like
to throw their hat in the ring

this is your last opportunity.

Excuse me, Dr. Webber,
I'd like to run.

- Alright, J.T.
- Go for it.

[indistinct chatter]

Settle dow..

Mr. Lambert, are you serious?

Or is this
one of those wonderful jokes

you're so famous for?

Hah. I'll tell you
what the joke is.

- These candidates.
- 'Yeah.'

- 'Yeah.'
- Yeah.

[applauding]

Now, I know you're all a little
surprised to see me up here.

But look at these candidates.
Look at 'em.

[students laughing]

Now, I have nothing in common
with these people

and I don't think
any of you do, either.

Who cares about
longer library hours?

You want longer hours
for something?

Leave the gym open on weekends

so we don't have
to keep breaking in.

- 'That's right.'
- Whoo, whoo!

[applauding]

Now, I'm not an A student
like them.

I'm a C student.
That means average.

How many of you are C students?

- I got it.
- There we go.

That's why they call it average.

I'm, I'm only a D student

but I like
what the smart guy's saying.

- 'Yeah!'
- Yeah.

[applauding]

Look, I'm just a regular guy

your average Joe Schmo.
We're all Joe Schmoes.

And it's time
that someone represented us

and I'm just the schmo to do it.

[cheering]

[all]
J.T., J.T., J.T.!

J.T., J.T., J.T.

'J.T., J.T., J.T.!'

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

Oh, good, Karen.

- Hey, would you help me?
- Sure.

[chuckles]
I wanna do this magic trick
that Brendan showed me.

It's the famous
escape-from-the-handcuffs trick.

[chuckles]
You know, usually,
you do it locked in a trunk

under 30 feet of water

but, uh, I don't wanna

mess up the kitchen or anything.

Yeah.

Well, what do you want me to do?

Oh, just handcuff me
to this chair right here.

Cody, are you sure
you know what you're doing?

Sure, the secret is,
you just hide the key

where the audience can't see it.

[laughs]

And where'd you hide the key?

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Ha-ha-ha!

A good magician
never divulges his secrets.

Okay.

Although she does pose
a very interesting question.

Ah. Man, Cody,
I have to tell ya.

Sometimes,
being a contractor stinks.

Every single client
had a complaint today.

"The door sticks."
"The window's painted shut."

"The toilet tips over
when I sit on it."

Jesus.

Like, everything that goes wrong
is my fault.

Frank, this is all your fault.

Oh, uh, uh, Uncle Frank.

[chuckles]
Looks like
you're in for a little harshin'

from the missus, huh? Yeah.

Cody, could you excuse us
for a minute, please?

Alright, no problem.

[clattering]

Hey. Uh..

Just gonna borrow this
for a second. Ha-ha!

Carol, do you have any idea

why Cody is handcuffed
to one of our chairs?

I don't know, he's Cody.

He ate peaches
for a whole month.

Who knows why he does anything!

All I wanna know is
why is J.T. running against Dana

for student-body president?

J.T.? My J.T.?

[chuckle]
That's impossible, honey.
He's a bonehead.

Why would J.T.
run for president?

Because his father,
Bonehead Senior, told him to.

Thanks to you,
we've got dueling campaigns

in our living room.

Gee, you don't want me
to ask him to withdraw, do ya?

Well, uh, uh..
No.

But jeez, you know,
we've been trying

to get our kids to get along
for over a year

and now because
of this election, they're acting

like they hate each other.

Carol.

That's not acting.
They do hate each other.

But, honey, the important thing

is that we don't end up
hating each other.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.

We can't let our kids' fight
become our fight.

[Dana]
'Mother,
will you come in here, please?'

Coming!

Mother, will you tell
the Pillsbury Schmo-boy

to move his campaign
somewhere else?

Oh, right, dad,
tell little Alpo Annie

to stop sniffing around
my side of the room.

[sighs]
Alright, you guys,
you're gonna have

to hash this out on your own.

Carol and I
are not getting involved.

Duh. What do you mean
you're not getting involved?

Mom, aren't you interested
in what I'm doing at school?

Well, yes, I'm interested,
but I'm not taking sides.

Frank and I
are just here to observe

the democratic process
in action.

Ah. Well, thank you,
Diane Sawyer.

Hey, dad, how's this
for J.T.'s campaign slogan?

"Just say schmo."

Hey, that is terrific.

I think you got yourself
a winner.

Uh, Frank, Frank, Frank.

It sounds like
you're taking sides.

Oh, right.

Interesting slogan.

And back to you, Diane.

I finished the flyers,
Mr. President.

Ah. "Mr. President."

That has a nice ring to it.

So does the bathtub
when you're done with it.

Ooh, mud-slinging.

The last resort
of a total loser.

Hey, J.T., if you're gonna
make cracks like that..

Carol.

...going to have to ignore them.

Dana, I've been calling around

asking kids
who they plan to vote for.

Great. Where do I stand?

Well, I've got
some good news and bad news.

The good news is
you have the unanimous support

of the math club, the Latin club
and the chess club.

Ah. What's the bad news?

All together,
that's only two votes.

Two votes?

Who's everybody voting for?

[Mark]
'J.T.'

Apparently, there are
a lot more schmoes out there

than we thought.

It seems like there's
some sort of schmo-ball effect.

Don't worry about the polls,
Dana.

The only poll that counts

is the one on election day.

Just ask Michael Dukakis.

Well, dad,
you still wanna remain neutral

or would you like to be part
of the winning team?

No, I agreed
not to get involved.

Besides, the way
this thing is going

you got this puppy in the bag.

Ha!

Well, what's that
supposed to mean?

Well, come on now, Carol,
it's pretty obvious

J.T.'s gonna win.

The people have spoken.

The fat lady has sung.

Dana's sort of like
one of those deer

caught in the headlights
of an oncoming truck

and J.T.'s driving.

Ow!

Okay, Frank.

If that's your idea of impartial

I have a few impartial things
to say myself.

Dana is going to kick
J.T.'s butt.

- Yeah!
- No way.

Way!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Carol, I'm so sorry
about what happened yesterday.

I never should have taken
J.T.'s side.

I was a jerk. Clod.

A pig. Yes!

The whole thing
is just totally my fault.

Uh, listen, Carol--

Look, before you say anything

I just wanna apologize
for yesterday.

The whole thing
was totally my fault.

Well, yeah.

- But I forgive you, honey.
- Good.

[chuckling]

- Frank.
- Mm?

What do you have
behind your back?

Um, flowers.

A guy at work gave them to me.

You were gonna apologize to me,
weren't you?

Well, uh..

Yeah. Well..

Oh, come on, honey,
we both messed up.

We let the kids suck us
right in to their fight.

Yeah, you're right.

Alright, no matter
who wins the election

it'll be a victory
for the whole family, right?

That's right. It's not
Fosters versus Lamberts.

It's one family, united.

- Lamberts and Fosters.
- Right.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Ah, you are looking

at the new
student-body president.

- Yes, J.T. Lambert!
- 'Alright!'

[laughing]

Ah, Lamberts win.

♪ Ah-ha-ha Lamberts win ♪

♪ Ah-ha-ha Lamberts oh ♪

♪ Oh my God I'm a jerk ♪♪

Well, J.T., I guess, um,
the people have spoken.

[chuckles]
Congra-gratulations.

Thanks, Carol.

Uh, Carol.

I hope you don't think
I celebrated too much.

Oh, no, no,
it's understandable.

He's your son
and you're happy for him.

Yeah, well, but there's happy

and then there's happy.

If I end up
sleeping on the couch

I won't be happy.

Oh, Frank.

Don't be ridiculous.
I mean, you're my husband.

We share a bed.

And if I were you,
I'd bring a book.

[chuckles]

Carol, I'm so sorry
about what happened, I..

I was a jerk, a clod,
a pig. Don't forget the..

Hello, J.T.

Hello, Dana.

Congratulations
on your big win.

Gee, you seem to be taking
this losing thing pretty well.

You know, I mean, for a loser.

[chuckles]
Well, I try and look
at the bright side of things.

I mean, like now, I have
the wonderful opportunity

of watching you
try to do the job

and fall flat on your..

Let's just say, face. Hm.

- They look the same.
- What's the matter?

You think only A student geeks
can be president?

Come on, the job's a no-brainer.
Anybody can do it.

[scoffs]
Have you read your
job description in the by-laws?

Of course I have.
What, are you kidding?

What by-laws?

These. Ahem.

I advise that you start
with chapter two.

"Duties of the president."

Take a look at the section
on after-school

and weekend meetings.

I have to work on weekends?

Oh, it gets better,
Your Royal Schmo-ness.

Take a look at section five,
"Faculty lunches."

I have to eat with teachers?

Oh, man!

You know, J.T., if this
is too big a job for you

you always have
the option of quitting

and letting the runner-up
take over. Me.

No, no,
I'm not giving in to you.

I'd rather drop dead.

Tsk. Hey, there we go.

Another good option.

[instrumental music]

Hurry up, Carol, you don't wanna
miss the great Brendini. Ha-ha.

This could be his last show
before bedtime.

Oh, uh, Carol, here, I-I got
a seat right here for you.

Best seat in the house. Ha-ha.

Do you like magic, Carol?

Yes, especially if you could
make someone disappear.

Well, I don't know about that

but he does this thing
with an egg

that you are not gonna believe.

- Go ahead. Say it, say it.
- Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen

the great Brendini
will now attempt

his amazing egg trick...again.

[sighs]
This is it, this is it. Okay?

[laughs]

Now, if you'll notice

there is nothing up this sleeve

and nothing up this sleeve

and nothing in my ha..

Whoa.

He did it again. Ha-ha-ha!

This is the second time
I've seen this egg trick

and every time he does it,
he blows me away.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Uncle Frank.

- Hello, Cody.
- Yeah.

I know you've been having

some friction with the missus

but the Codeman's got the answer

that'll lead to love and kisses.

What exactly
do you have in mind, Cody?

[laughs]

Now, the way I see it

you can't get Carol
to stay in a room long enough

to break out the love iron
and smooth things out.

[laughs]

- Uh, right.
- So..

All you gotta do is put
one cuff around your wrist

and the other cuff
around her wrist, and voila!

Oh, no!

I did it again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Man, good thing I got
a blowtorch out in my van.

[laughs]

[door opens]

Hey, dad.

Hey, J.T., what's up?

It's nine o'clock
on Sunday night.

I still have to do my homework.

Being president bites.

Oh, come on,
it can't be that bad.

It's a nightmare.

Meetings, lunches, committees.

I can't handle it.

Well, you could always resign.

Yeah, and admit Dana was right?
No way.

She'd never let me live it down.

Oh, now, wait a minute, come on.

Yes, she would, pal.

Now, Dana's
not the kind of person

who would gloat.

Well, you're right, she is.

She'd take out
those I-told-you-so sticks

and beat you like a drum.

Man, why did I have to make
such a big deal about winning?

Because, son, you are a Lambert.

And what we Lamberts
never seem to learn

is that you gotta be nice
to the people on the way up

'cause you might be married
to 'em on the way down.

And, son, we are goin' down.

Hey, Dana, you got a minute?

Ah, sure. I've got all the time
in the world.

You're the one
with the busy schedule

Mr. President. Hm..

[sighs]
Yeah, well, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

I've given this
a lot of thought and..

...I'm quitting.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

[coughing]
I'm quitting.

[sighs]

You know, J.T.,
I could have sworn

you just said you were quitting.

[scoffs]
But why would you be quitting?

Only an inept, incompetent boob

would give up
being student-body president.

Are you a boob, J.T.?

- Yes.
- What?

Yes, yes, I'm a boob, alright?

I couldn't handle it.
I was in way over my head.

I'm quitting,
and you can be president.

- Are you happy now?
- I'm not sure.

Could you say, "I'm a boob"
just one more time?

Look, you were right.

There's a reason
why kids like you

run student government.

It's hard work,
and it takes a lot of smarts.

There's no place in it
for schmoes like me.

I must have been a total idiot
to think I could be president.

No, wait a minute, J.T.,
that's not true.

You mean,
I'm not a total idiot?

Oh, no, you are a total idiot.

But there has to be a place

in student government
for everyone

even schmoes like you.

That's what I learned
from your campaign.

You learned something from me?

Yeah, like when you said the gym
should be open on weekends

what you were really saying

is that the school
isn't responsive

to the needs of all the kids.

I said that?
Hey, wow, I'm pretty smart.

Congratulations,
Madam President.

Thanks. I can't wait
to tell my mom I'm president.

I can't wait to tell my dad
I'm not.

Don't you guys have a bedroom?

Don't you?

[instrumental music]

Welcome, dudes and dudettes
of all ages. Heh-heh.

For my trick, I will attempt
to saw Karen in half..

[chuckles]
...with the aid of my beautiful,
lovely assistant, J.T.

Karen's not in any real danger,
is she?

Yeah, Carol,
it's just a magic trick.

Although,
Cody is the one with the saw.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Now wiggle your feet.

[applauding]

Oh.

Oh, man, it's hot in here.

Whoa! So that's how it works.
Ha-ha-ha!

[theme music]