Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 16 - No Business Like Show Business - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[microwave beeping]

[sighs]
Kids, dinner will be ready

in a minute, 28 seconds.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, honey.

- How was your day?
- Fine. Yours?

- Good.
- Good. Kids?

- Upstairs.
- Good. Going bowling.

- Right. Got aerobics class.
- Getting my ball.

Oh, getting your sandwich.

- Bologna okay?
- Love it. Love you, too.



- Bye.
- Bye.

Frank! Frank,
come back here a minute.

Sorry, I forgot.
Kiss, kiss. Bye.

No, Frank.
Frank, we have to slow down.

We're so busy with the..

The only time we ever spend
any time together

is at night when we're in bed,
you know..

Yeah, well, Carol, you have
to admit that's quality time.

[scoffs]
Yeah, but there must be
other things

we can spend our time
doing together.

Well, yeah, why don't you
come bowling with me tonight?

Oh. Alright, alright.

And then Thursday
you can come with me

to that art class
I signed up for.



That way we won't be like
two ships that pass in the night

that barely ever
speak to each other.

- Mm. Perfect.
- Oh.

[chuckles]

Hey, guys, when's dinner? Heh.

- Ooh, now.
- Oh, good.

- Going bowling. Mm-hmm.
- Alright.

- Sandwich?
- Oh, dieting.

- Money?
- Got it.

- Getting my shoes.
- Starting the car.

- Love you.
- I love you, too.

Wow! Man, you guys
ever heard of decaf?

Tch. Yeah.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause
you're puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[guitar music]

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're taping
another episode

of that stupid
cable-access show you do.

Hey, for your information,
"J.T.'s World"

is the most popular show
with teens in Port Washington

who are awake
between 3:00 and 3:30 a.m.

Yeah, babes really love
our show.

We've gotten letters
from several

women's correctional facilities

including some very tempting
marriage proposals.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I guess if you spend
a long enough time in prison

even you two nimrods look good.

Whoa, that's amazing.

That's exactly
what one of the letters said.

[guitar music]

Alright, crew, listen up,
there's something very special

about tonight's taping.

We're getting paid?

Well, maybe
special's the wrong word.

Phil Jones, a big-time
TV producer saw our tape

and is comin' to watch us
do the show live.

- No way!
- Cool!

Yeah, he's looking
for the next Wayne and Garth

and he thinks it might be us.

Whoa, dude, that's the coolest
thing that's happened to me

since I found out
that flammable and inflammable

mean the same thing. Yeah.

Whoa, talk about
your learning the hard way.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that'll be him right now.

Hi. Phil Jones,
Fremont Syndication.

We're the people that brought
you "Battle Of The Network Pets"

and the number-one syndicated
game show in all of Wisconsin

"Name That Cheese."

Whoa, dude, I got the home game!

[chuckles]

Well, you guys are totally rad.
Yeah.

Exactly. And you know
how we got to be that way?

By finding unknown talent,
molding their careers

and turning them into big stars.

- Big stars! Dude!
- Dude!

[chuckling]

Excuse me, Mr. Jones,
I'm Mark Foster.

J.T. and Cody's legal advisor.

Now, I just want you to know
that we're not accepting

any contract until we go over it
with a fine-tooth comb.

We pay a 1000 bucks a week.

Is a handshake good enough
for ya?

We'll talk contract later,
right now

why don't you boys show me
what you've got?

- Okay. Places, everybody.
- Yeah.

"J.T.'s World."
Show twenty-three. Take one.

Ow!

[guitar music]

[both]
"J.T.'s World."
Party time! Excellent!

[music continues]

Alright, okay, I'm J.T. and this
is my excellent sidekick, Cody

coming to you, as always,
from Port Washington, Wisconsin.

The cheese state. Ha-ha-ha.

Alright, everybody, as you know

we're always on the lookout
for killer babes

and the movies
in which they appear.

So, naturally,
we were the first ones in line

for the opening of the movie,
"The Babe."

Tch. Total rip-off.

There wasn't one babe in that
whole flick worth lookin' at.

[scoffs]
Just two hours of that big dude
from "Roseanne"

trottin' around the bases.

[both]
Lame!

[music continues]

Okay! Okay, I've seen enough.

Look, boys, I gotta go, I got
an appointment to see a guy

who claims he can play
a flugelhorn with his flugel.

Now, if a flugel
is what I think it is

this guy is gonna be huge.

Well, what does this mean?
Do you like us or not?

J.T., I'm not the kinda guy
to blow a lotta smoke

so I'll give it to you straight.
I'll get back to you.

Cody, ha-ha! He said
he'd get back to us. We're in!

[both]
"J.T.'s World."
Big time! Excellent!

[guitar music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, Carol. Honey, honey,
honey, listen, uh..

I wanna spend more time with you

but I'm not sure
about this art stuff.

Frank,
I broke three nails bowling.

Now sit down and shut up.

Okay, everyone.
Take your seats, please.

Hi.

Welcome to Art 105.
Life drawing.

Uh, in this class, we'll
practice drawing the human form

and for that
we'll be using a nude model.

Anyone have a problem with that?

Not me.

- Good. I'll go get the model.
- Great.

Carol, I was wrong. Ha-ha.

This art stuff
is kind of exciting. Ha-ha.

Just, uh..

Okay, everyone.
This is our model.

[door shuts]

Honey, that's no nude model.
That's a guy!

[instrumental music]

He sure is. Heh.

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

Ah..

Boy, oh, boy.

You think
you really know somebody.

All it takes
is one little art class

to find out she's a pervert.

I had to look at the guy
so I could draw him.

Look at him?
Honey, you were starin' at him!

- Oh, I was not.
- No.

You didn't blink
for an hour and a half.

[sighs]
I was trying
to focus on the subject.

Oh, the subject. Is that what
they're callin' it now?

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Hey, what are you watchin'
TV for?

I thought you had
a big history paper due.

Oh, I decided
I don't have to do that paper.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be
a major television star.

That producer I told you about
came by

and saw us do
"J.T.'s World" today.

And if he buys it,
Cody and I are gonna make

a 1000 bucks a week.

I'm just waitin' for him
to call.

J.T., what makes you think
he's gonna call?

Get this, okay?

He watched
about two minutes of the show

left in a big hurry and said

"I'll get back to you."

Son. Ahem.

J.T., "I'll get back to you"

is Hollywood talk
for, "Kiss off, dipstick."

Now, go upstairs
and do that paper.

But, dad, it'll be a waste
doin' that history paper

if I'm gonna be a big star.

Alright, alright, listen.

If you become a big TV star
in the next ten minutes

you don't have to do the paper.

Yes, alright,
everybody stay off the phone

for the next ten minutes!
I'm expecting a phone call!

Mm-mm-mm..

- Oh, tch!
- Oh.

Well, I-I was just impressed
with how lifelike

my, my drawing was.

Yeah, well, you certainly
captured the subject.

[telephone ringing]

[J.T.]
'I got it!'

Why is J.T. just goofing off?

I thought
he had a history paper to do.

Yeah, you know, that producer

that he told us about
stopped by today

and J.T.'s convinced himself
he's gonna be a big star

and he's not gonna have to do
his homework.

- What did you say to him?
- I said, "Fine."

Frank, from now on,
don't talk to the children

unless I'm there.

Carol, relax.
You've seen "J.T.'s World."

It's like a musical version
of the flu.

There's no way
he's gonna be a big star.

- Oh..
- Dad, dad, that was Phil Jones!

I'm gonna be a big star! Ha-ha.

Guess I don't have to do
that paper. Oh! Ha-ha!

Cody, come check it out, man!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Name!

Lambert.

Go right ahead.

Thanks.

Wow! I've never been
in a real TV studio before.

- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, look, there's Cody.

- 'Hey, dudes. Ha-ha.'
- Hey, Cody.

Wow, this is so weird.

This set looks exactly
like our living room.

Whoa, you're right.

[chuckles]

It's like bein'
in another dimension, heh.

Submitted for your approval.

An ordinary living room
or is it?

[guitar music]

Hey, any of you dudes over there
know the words to this tune?

Hey, dad,
thanks for dropping by, babe.

You're welcome, son, babe.

J.T., babe.

Phil, babe. Ha-ha.

Dad, meet Phil Jones.

The genius
who decided I'm a genius.

- Pleased to meet you.
- I know.

Now, J.T., remember,
this is just a dress rehearsal

but we're still tapin' it.

I wanna give
the big honchos upstairs

a sneak preview.

Oh, alright!

I can't wait to get my hands

on one of these cameras.

What is she talking about?

We're the crew. Right, J.T.?

Absolutely,
you're part of the team.

There is no way
I'm doing this show without ya.

- I don't care what anyone says.
- Lose the munchkins.

You heard the man.
Get outta here.

- Oh, man! This stinks.
- Yeah, this isn't fair!

Hey, television's
a tough business. Get over it.

E- excuse me, Mr. Television.

Can I have a word with you?

J.T., I don't like the way
you're behavin' here.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, you stopped doing
your homework

you're callin' me babe

and you've just fired
your brothers and sisters.

Now, I know this show business
stuff is very exciting to you

but you gotta understand,
bein' a star is somethin'

that can go away like that.

Just ask Erik Estrada.

- Who?
- That's my point.

Now, you have to understand
that no matter what happens

with this show,
you're a regular guy.

You just gotta act
like a regular guy.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
that's him. That's John!

[screaming]

You are so cute.

I heard you're gonna be
a big star

and I just had to meet you.

Will you sign my bra?

[gasping]

[girls chuckling]

Regular guy! Yeah, right.

So, sweetheart,
what's your name?

Jo.

[instrumental music]

Frank, hurry up, I don't want
to be late for this art class.

Cleaning your glasses

so you can get a better look
at the subject?

Well, I couldn't find
the binoculars.

- Oh..
- Not that I'd need them.

Ugh..
Uh, Carol, uh..

I don't think we should
take this art class anymore.

I don't like the idea of you
spendin' an hour and a half

starin' at a naked man.

Frank, Frank,
when I look at this man

I do not see a sexual being.

I see an arm and a leg

and a body like concrete.

Oh, God, I love this class.

[chuckles]

Oh, Frank, what is the problem?

The human body
is a beautiful thing

not something to be ashamed of.

It's normal and natural
and wonderful.

You make me sick.

- Okay, we're ready to go.
- Go where?

To art class with you.
Sounds like fun.

Hm. Lot of fun.

[chuckles]

- Mm-mm..
- Mm-mm..

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You are not going with me
to this art class.

Why not?

Mother, it's not like
I have never seen a..

...art class before.

Yeah, uh, yeah,
and don't you always tell me

I shouldn't judge people
by their clothing?

This is a chance for me
to look beyond the clothing

and see the real man.

- Mm-mm..
- Mm-mm..

[chuckling]

Well, I don't want you
to see the real man.

So you are not coming
to this art class with me.

Carol, I am amazed
at your attitude.

You know, the human body

is a beautiful thing.

It's not something
to be ashamed of.

It is normal, natural

and wonderful.

Alright, alright, Frank,
you made your point.

Alright, girls, if you want
to come to this art class

with me, you can come.

- Yes!
- Let's hurry.

I want to sit up front.

Ah..

I changed my mind. I just can't
go through with this.

Although, I see nothing wrong
with viewing the male body

I just don't see it
as a mother-daughter activity.

We were so close.

Hey, after
she goes to sleep tonight

let's look at her sketchbook.

[both]
Mm..

[instrumental music]

Hey.

Hey, J.T., dude, I just got
a killer new idea for the show.

Bodybuilding Babes.

They'll break
more than your heart. Yeah.

Sounds great.
I'm hearing Valentine's Day.

- Yeah, totally. Ha-ha-ha!
- Hiya, boys.

[both]
Dude!

And dude right back at ya.

Listen, I showed the tape
of yesterday's rehearsal

to the big honchos upstairs.

- Did they like it?
- Like it? They loved it.

They loved everything
about the show!

They just wanna make
two little changes.

- What's that?
- You and you.

You're out.

Out? But, but I thought
you loved us.

Hey, I thought so, too

but my boss tells me
I don't. Ha.

Ya live and ya learn, you know?

Anyway, guys, I'm sorry,
but you're off the show

because we're hiring
professional actors.

Hey, Brad, Chad.

Come over here,
show us your stuff.

Okay, come on, let's run
the opening of the show.

"J.T.'s World." Take one.

[guitar music]

[both]
"J.T.'s World!"
Party time! Excellent!

Okay. I'm J.T. and this
is my excellent sidekick, Cody.

- Yeah.
- Welcome to "J.T.'s World."

Coming to you, as always,
from Port Washington, Wisconsin!

The cheese state. Yeah.

Cut! Are they great or what?

There he is.
That's the new J.T.!

[girls shrieking]

- Will you autograph my bra?
- Ah..

[girls chuckling]

- Alright, now.
- Ow..

Hey, this isn't fair.
We had a contract.

Yeah, you know,
and I have it right here.

As you can see,
we have the rights to the title

the concept, the set,
the characters and the music

and you have the rights
to, well, nothing.

Wait a minute.
How could this happen?

- This is my show.
- It's easy.

You have a 12-year-old
for a lawyer.

Hope he did a better job
on my taxes.

This can't be!
I'm supposed to be a star!

What about all the money?

What about the babes wanting me

to autograph their bra straps?

This is my future.

Actually, it's, uh, his future.

[girls chuckling]

- Oh, man!
- Hey, show business is cruel.

But just to show you
I'm not completely heartless

I'm gonna pay you for two days'
work and let you keep the hat.

Now, get out of here
before I call security.

Man, this stinks.
I have never been so humiliated!

[scoffs]
Me, too.

You know, that guy that plays me
is really good.

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

Ah..

Hey, guys, what's happening?

Not us. We got fired.

Yeah, we got the old heave-ho

deep-six, pink slip.

"Hasta la vista,baby."
The fat lady has sung.

Don't let the door hit you in--

Yeah, Cody, I get the idea.

You got fired. But why, J.T.?

They didn't think
we were professional enough

so they brought in these two
stupid actors to play our parts.

[scoffs]

- Go ahead, dad, you can say it.
- Say what?

I told you so, I-I told you

this star thing
wouldn't work out.

I wasn't gonna say that
at all, son.

I- I feel real bad for ya.

But I got carried away
with this whole star-trip thing

and acted like a jerk.

I mean, I didn't do my homework,
I fired half my family

and I was really disrespectful
to you when I called you babe.

'I mean, if I were you'

I would've grounded me
for, for a week.

Or maybe even a month.
Dude, or maybe even two months.

H- hey, lighten up, Uncle Frank.

Don't you think
the kid's had enough?

I'm sorry, Cody. Sometimes
I just fly off the handle.

Listen, J.T.

The reason
you got so carried away

is you thought you were gonna be
a star overnight.

But life's not that easy, son.

You gotta work real hard
to become successful at anything

including being a TV star.

You're right, dad.

Thanks for not comin' down on me
like a parent.

- You're really cool.
- Oh, yeah, that's me. I'm cool.

Now get your butt upstairs
and do that paper.

Alright, dad.

Yeah, well, at least that gig

wasn't a total loss,
Uncle Frank. Yeah.

You know,
I met this really nice girl

and she slipped me
her phone number. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, buddy. Yeah.

"3-8.." Hey, Uncle Frank,
is that a two or five?

It's a "D."

Dude. Ha-ha-ha.

Mom, can I borrow these earrings
for my date tonight?

- Sure, they look cute on you.
- Thanks.

I can't wait for you
to meet Steve.

He's a really nice guy.

[doorbell rings]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Come on in and meet my mom.

- Mom, this is Steve.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Gee, you know,
you look familiar.

Have I seen you
someplace before?

I don't know. You spend
much time on the college campus?

Well, uh, just to take
a life drawing class there.

Of course, that's it.
You sit in the second row.

Yeah. Where do you sit?

Well, right up front.
I'm the model.

Oh, really?

I can't believe
you didn't recognize me.

Oh, well, I-I just couldn't
place your face. Huh.

No, I-I mean,
I knew where it was. Yeah.

It's just that, you know, I..
Uh, never mind.