Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 17 - Love, Port Washington Style - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, no, I understand.

No, Alan.
Of course, I'm not mad.

[chuckles]
If I was mad, would I do this?

[bangs]

Hey-hey, Dana. What's up?

Men are pond scum.

Whoa.

Is this
a whole new evolution theory



or just a new take
on that amoeba thing?

[chuckles]

I'm referring to Alan Marsh,
my ex-boyfriend.

One daybefore the town's
bigValentine's Day dance

he decides we should see
other people.

Whoa, bummer. Major kiss-off.

[Cody chuckles]

Well, I've learned
my lesson this time.

Dating is just a sick game
devised by men

to torment and confuse women.

Like football.

Wait, Dana, wait.

Now, don't give up on romance.

I mean, you know, love is just
like a box of chocolates.



You gotta go through some
pretty gnarly stuff, you know

like thejelliesand thenougats
and those big giant nuts

that even the people in Brazil
don't like, you know..

[chuckles]

But just when you think
you're about to hurl

there he is, Mr. Buttercream.

[chuckles]

I hate buttercreams.

Wow, you're no fun. Tshh..

No wonder that guy dumped you.

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-oh woah-oh ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

[music continues]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, man. Give it a rest.

Good to see ya, J.T.

What can I do
to make you go away?

Dad, this will only take two
seconds. Can I have 300 bucks?

This will only take
one second. No.

Ah, but, dad,
I promised my date

a stretch limo
for the Valentine's Day dance.

Are you still here?

Never mind. Tchah.

Man, you wanna know
what really ticks me off?

Illegal dumping
of nuclear waste

in our nation's water supply?

I don't care about that.

Dad won't give me 300 bucks
to rent a limo.

A limo? Wow!

You know,
I was watching the Grammys.

Ha-ha. All those rockstar
dudes got limos.

Don Henley had one,
the Hammer had one.

Even that bald chick had one.

[chuckles]

Dude, limos are totally cool.

Exactly. That's why I need
300 bucks to rent one.

Marcia Morrison told me
that if I took her

to the dance in a limo

she'd give me a night
I'd never forget.

- Whoa.
- Totally whoa.

Yeah.

Dude, I got an idea.

You know, I got a friend
of mine that owns a limo

and he said
that if I drove it myself

he'd rent it
to me for 50 bucks!

That's great! Hah.

Hey, dad,
how about just 50 bucks?

[Frank]
'Get lost.'

- Man, what a cheapskate.
- Pshh..

Cuz, what if we did this?

While you're at the dance
with Marcia, I can rent

the limo out, like,
to the little dudes

and all their friends
to cover the cost.

- Cody, you're a genius!
- Yeah.

Yeah. Sort of an Einstein
with a buzz cut.

[chuckling]

[instrumental music]

Uh, Dana,
working at the cafe today?

No, Frank, I just enjoy wearing
drab Dacron polyester outfits

because they're so versatile.

And a Happy Valentine's Day
to you, too.

Sorry. It's just
that I hate Valentine's Day.

That's why I volunteered
to work a double shift

rather than be around here when
romance waltzes through the air

with its familiar
doomed stench.

[sighs]
Got dumped again, huh?

It's hard to believe
with your sparkling personality.

- Dad, I need your advice.
- Hm?

I wanna wear this
to the dance

but Carol wants me
to wear this.

What do you think?

Well,
let me ask you a question.

Is this a Valentine's Day dance
or a hoedown?

Okay. I'll wear the dress.

- Al?
- Mm-hm?

Let me give you
a better piece of advice.

Don't even go to the dance.

Love is the drug
of the masses.

Take it from me.
Heh, just say no.

Got dumped again, huh?

Well, there's only one thing
for a girl like you to do.

Get right back on yourbroom
and try again.

[clears throat]

Tsk. This is great.

First, I'm dumped. Then,
I'm outwitted by a Lambert.

[sighs]
What a week.

- Frank. I need you right now.
- Yeah?

Ready.

Frank, are you crazy?
The kids are home.

Oh, yeah. Them.

Besides, I didn't mean that.

This is the busiest day
of the year.

Both my stylists
called in sick.

I'm in the beauty shop all
by myself. You gotta help me.

Oh, honey, I don't know anything
about working in a beauty shop.

Well, you don't need
to know anything.

I just want you
to be my shampoo person.

Well, you shampoo
your own hair, don't you?

Well, yeah, but I'm usually
naked and singing at the time.

[sighs]
Well, whatever works
is fine with me.

You'll probably get great tips.

[instrumental music]

♪ Pardon me Roy is that the cat
that chewed your new shoes? ♪♪

- Okay, you're finished.
- Thanks.

Ah-ha!

Alright, uh, who's next?

- I am.
- I am.

Excuse me, uh,
could I go next?

Uh, I think I only have
a couple of hours.

Oh, yeah, Mrs. Hensen,
I'll take you right away.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little short-handed.

I'll get to you
as soon as I can.

Uh, Mrs. Hensen,
you sit down here right away.

Right away. Yes, right away.

Uh, uh, Frank. Frank.

Uh, I've got to go
to the stockroom

and then I have to do
Mrs. Hensen right away.

So you're gonna have to finish
up Jennifer's color weave.

Color weave? Honey.

You said all
I was gonna have to do

was wash some hair.

- Well, it's easy.
- Huh.

See, as soon as this timer dings

you just take the foil out

and then,
you just wash her hair.

Well, when you're taking
the foil out--

Just do it! Got it?

No wonder all her help
called in sick.

Hello, I'm Frank.

I'll be your foil remover
today.

[loud music on earphones]

You can't hear aword
I'm saying, can ya?

- Huh.
- What?

[clattering]

Never mind.

[telephone ringing]

Oh, gee. Excuse me, ladies.

Excuse me. Can I just..

Uh, hello, uh,
Carol's, uh, Beauty Boutique.

Uh, "P-perm, rinse,
color, set

Carol's Boutique
is your best bet."

[chuckles]

It says it right there.

Yeah, yeah, o-okay, uh..

You want a, want a blunt cut

and a cellophane body wave.

Do we do that?

Uh, uh, I'll take a message,
'cause Carol's very busy.

Have Carol
or anyone who knows Shinola

call Barbara.

Yeah, I got it.

- Frank.
- Huh?

We're out of decaf.

Oh, here, comin' right up.

Got it. I'll give.. Wow!

[timer ticking]

[timer dings]

[indistinct chatter]

[Frank chuckling]

Well, thanks for doing
such a wonderful job

on my hair, Frank.

And here's a little
something for you.

Aww..

Excuse me, Mr. Frank.

Is it time
to take the foil out yet?

The foil?

The time, foil, time.

Well, let's just see, okay?

[chuckles]
You sit right down there.

And we'll take a little look.
Oh, geez.

Uh, well, what do you know?

It's perfect timing.

Perfect.

Well, it took a long time.

I thought it'd be done
over an hour ago.

Well, we just wanted
to make sure

that it, that it took..

Did it take?

Uh...yeah.

It took.

It took awholelot more
than I thought, heh.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You know, I, uh, uh..

I don't think..

...that it's quite dry yet.

[chuckles]
Let's just wrap it
a little minute.

Hey, what's goin' on?

Uh, I'm just getting out
the excess moisture.

Just relax.

- Uh, Carol?
- Yeah?

I have
a little problem here.

Could you come and talk to me?

Is it important?
Frank, I'm really busy.

I guarantee you won't find
anything more important

in this shop
for yearsto come! Come here.

Frank, what are you doing?

You're not supposed
to towel-wrap a color weave.

There's a hole..

...lot, lot more
we could do with your hair.

Yeah. Uh..

Is this gonna
take a lot longer?

Uh, oh, uh,
j- just a couple of minutes.

[chuckles]
Can I see you
in the kitchen, Mr. Frank?

- Well, I've got a lot--
- Frank.

Ooh.

Frank.

You left the chemicals on
too long.

You burned her hair off!

Well, I'm sorry, honey,
I didn't mean to.

But look, I-I saved the hair

in case you wanna
glue it back on.

"Glue it back on?"

You want me to glue it back on?

Why don't I juststapleit
to her head?

Frank, how could you do
something so stupid?

Ah..

Okay, okay, I made a mistake.

But it's not a disaster yet.

- Oh!
- Honey, she's a teenager.

And teenagers do weird things
with their hair.

Who knows,
she might even like it.

- 'Ah!'
- And then again, maybe not.

[instrumental music]

[Frank]
'No, no, no, no, no.'

'Listen, all I'm saying is that'

if you're gonna put a product

out on the market than can burn

somebody's hair off,
you should put a warning on it.

Huh?

Oh. Well, it should be
in bigger print!

Jerk.

Dad..

...I have to ask
you a question.

Hope it's not a hair question.

[laughs]

You know, you burn one little
hole in a kid's head

and they never let you
forget it.

Now, what can I do
for you, pal?

Well, I'm going to the dance
with Danny Walton

and I think he's gonna try to
kiss me at the end of the night.

Normally,
I'd slug a guy for that

but I'm afraid that
it might hurt my chances

for a second date.

- Well, here's what I'd do.
- Hm, no, no, no, no.

Excuse me, Frank.
I think I should handle this.

[chuckles]

Why? I'm her father.

[scoffs]
Frank, please.

I mean, she's talking
about stringing a guy along.

I wrote the book.

Take your best shot, Karen.

Now, there are two ways
to let a boy down easy.

Method number one,
total honesty.

Tell him you like him, but you
are just not ready for kissing.

- Does that work?
- No.

That is why I've devised
method number two.

I call it "The Great Escape."

He'll walk you to the door,
when he gets that stupid look

boys get when he's just
about to kiss you

grab your stomach and say,
"Huh! Oh, no.

I ate some bad shrimp!"
And run into the house.

Look, do guys really fall
for that?

I usually get flowers.

[chuckles]

Come on, Al,
I'll do your makeup

and teach you how to order
the most expensive thing

on the menu
without looking piggy.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Dana.

It's kinda slow.
So could we close up early?

[scoffs]
Why, Tom? Hot date tonight?

Some innocent little schoolgirl
just waiting to be manipulated

before you toss her aside
for the next thing

that comes along
in a tight sweater?

Got dumped again, huh?

[sighs]
I did not get dumped.

We both decided
to see other people.

He just decided first.

What a shock.

[door shuts]

Menu?

Yeah.

It must be a bummer working
here on Valentine's Day, huh?

Oh?

And what is that
supposed to mean?

That my life is empty unless
it revolves around a man?

Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. Table Number Two.

You and your
testosterone-producing buddies

can go take a hike.

Next time I want a hairy lump
of flesh for a companion

I'll get a dog.

Well, get me one, too.

'Cause I'd take
a canine any day

over a-a backstabbing
two-timing, cold-hearted

cheating bimbo.

Got dumped, huh?

Yeah.

She said she wanted
to...to see other people.

Oh, I hate that.

But not as much as I hate,
"Let's just be friends."

Oh, you know,
if I had a dollar

for every time I heard that,
I'd be rich.

Yeah, me, too.
Mind if I sit down?

No. Not at all.

I kinda like the company.

Ihateto be alone
on Valentine's Day.

Yeah. Me, too.

So..

...what time do you
get off work?

Right now. Tom,
we're closing early!

[instrumental music]

[J.T.]
Well, I hate to leave
the dance so early

but it'll be so much easier
to talk in my limo.

And, uh, plus, it'll give
us a chance to stretch out.

Oh, J.T., I can't tell you

how romantic
this limo makes me feel.

Well, h-hey, don't tell me,
just show me.

Good evening, Mr. Lambert.

I trust that the dance went
verycool,sir?

Yes. Thank you, Code-ffeur.

And now we'd like to go
for a little spin

around the lake
if you don't mind.

Oh. Very good, your eminence.

But, uh, can I have a word
with you first?

Not now, Code-ffeur.

We have a lady
who's getting cold.

[chuckles]
And I'd like to warm her up.

- Whoo!
- Whoa-ho-ho! Yes!

Hey, J.T., we're having a party.
Come on in!

[laughing]
Hey!

Oh, Code-ffeur.

I'll have that word
with you now.

Yeah, I thought you might, sir.

[sighs]

Why are there a bunch
of littlebratsin my love-bus?

Dude, I sold rides to arrange
the money, just like you said.

But we're running a bit late,
you know.

I still owe the kids
a half an hour.

[sighs]

Oh, o-okay.

I'll tell you what. I'll take
Marcia back to the dance.

And you pick us up
in a half hour.

- Totally.
- Okay.

Hey, J.T.,
is that the girl you said

would be all over you
like a tent?

Don't say that, you bonehead!

Now he'll never score.

[scoffs]
"All over you like a tent?"

Uh, uh..
They misunderstood.

I had this whole
camping thing planned.

J.T., you are a lowlife

despicable bucket of slime!

Does this mean the drive
around the lake is off?

Oh, man!

[instrumental music]

You know, it wasn't even my idea
to work in the beauty shop

in the first place.

I was just trying
to help her out.

You know, be a good Joe.

Now, here I am.
All alone on Valentine's Day.

I don't even know where she is.

Does that seem fair to you?

No, sir. It doesn't.

Can I go now?

My manager gets worried when I'm
gone for longer than an hour.

Ah, sure, listen.. I'm sorry
if I talked your ear off.

No problem. It happens
every Valentine's Day.

Nice goin', lady.
He was just tryin' to help.

Oh, great, Frank!

Now a complete stranger

knows what's going on
in our marriage!

Well, I had to talk to somebody.
You've been gone for hours!

Well, I'm sorry,
but it takes time to calm down

two angry parents
who wanna sue you

because you put acrater

in the side
of their daughter's head!

Now, wait a minute, Carol,
none of this

would have happened
if you had not forced me

to work in the beauty shop
in the first place.

I told you I didn't know
what I was doing!

- You made me work there anyway!
- Well, I know--

How would you like it
if I forced you to do something

you didn't know how to do,
like, rewire a house?

And then blamed you
when the building inspector

zaps his eyebrows off
'cause you did it wrong?

- Would that be fair, huh?
- Well, that's different--

How, how, how, how would
that be different--

Well, it's different because
then you would be the one

who was out of line,
and then you would be the one

who would be apologizing to me.

Ah, so you're apologizing to me?

I'm getting to it!

I'm just not done
being mad yet.

Well, take your time.

I'll just finish my pizza.

[softly]
I'm sorry, Frank.

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry, Frank.

I had no right to get mad
at you when I'm the one

who forced you to work
in the beauty shop.

I shouldn't have thrown you in
over your head.

Will you forgive me?

I don't know, Carol.
I'm a little hurt by all this.

Well, maybe there's some way

I could make it up to you.

I mean, it is still
Valentine's Day and..

...the house is empty.

Well, there's no sense
being hard-nosed about it.

Thanks. I had
a really great time tonight.

Can I call you tomorrow?

[chuckles]
Not if I call you first.

I'll miss you until tomorrow.

Ah. I'll miss you more.

- No. Me more.
- No. Me more.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Aren't men wonderful?

[instrumental music]

- Hi.
- Hi. Are you open?

Yeah, we just opened.
Come on in.

What can I do for you?

A friend of mine just
loves your beauty shop.

And I'd like to get
my haircut just like hers.

Oh. Well, you know our motto.

"Perm, rinse, color or set

Carol's Boutique
is your best bet."

[chuckles]

Yeah, she said
you had a real dibby slogan.

Anyway, here's her picture.

And I'd like to get
my haircut just like hers.

That's Jennifer Wheeler.

We burned a bald spot
in her head.

[chuckles]
I know. It's totally cool.

All the kids
in school want one.

Yeah, uh, Carol.

I'll take over here.

Have a seat right over there.

So, do you, uh,
want the silver-dollar hole

or the full pancake size?

[instrumental music]