Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 15 - One of the Guys - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Man, I'm tellin' you,
havin' a job bites.

Yeah, we break our backs
all day

and all we get is minimum wage
and a few lousy tips.

If I didn't look so cute
in this uniform, I'd quit.

Man, I've been
savin' up for a car

for two months
and I only have 200 bucks.

Oh, J.T., I know a guy who'll
sell you a car for 200 bucks.

Yeah, of course,
there are a few problems

with this particular car,
like, it needs new brakes

new transmission and, uh..



Well, you gotta pick it up
at Mexico.

But on the upside, it does have
fine Corinthian leather.

Well, once again
another glorious day

at The Learning Factory.

What are you so happy about,
Poindexter?

I just got an A-plus
on my economics project.

With my mock investment
portfolio

I turned $1000 into $5000

in just two weeks.

You made $5000?
Buy me a car!

J.T., I was only speaking
hypothetically.

I never invested any real money.

But if you did invest real money

could you do the same thing?



Theoretically.

Well, is that
like hypothetically?

In theory.

Yes or no, bean head?

Yes, yes, I could.

Alright, Mark's gonna
make us rich.

Hey, uh, I've got
some money saved up.

- Count me in too.
- Now, wait a minute, guys.

Before we can do this,
we need someone over 18

to authorize the transactions.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ It will be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, Carol,
I'm selling candy bars

for my Chipmunk trip.

Want to be my first customer?

Well, sure, Brendan,
I'd be honored.

Okay, how much for one of these

teeny little
chocolate chipmunks?

Ten bucks.

Ten bucks?

Isn't that a bit expensive?

Not as expensive as
us kids turning into criminals

and being a drain on society.

Interesting sales pitch.

I didn't know the Chipmunks
gave merit badges

for extortion.

They do if I sell
100 of these.

Go get my purse.

Ah, the Chipmunks,
taking young men

and molding them into
white-collar criminals.

Oh. Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Frank.
- Hi, Frank.

And I'm back.
What a day. Hi.

Oh, boy, you'll never guess

who the union wants me to hire

as a construction worker.

Someone whose pants actually
cover their entire butt?

No, according
to the union contract

butt covering is optional.

No, they-they want me
to hire a woman.

So what's wrong with that?

Carol, I'm short-handed.

I want somebody
who can really do the job.

Oh, are you assuming

a woman won't do
as good a job as a man?

It's not a question
of won't, honey

it's a question of can't.

It has to do
with the female anatomy.

This should be good.

Well, it is a well-known fact

at least among
construction workers

that a woman
cannot swing a hammer correctly

because of, uh, um

her, um,
uh, chest structure.

Is it me or did it just
get dumb in here?

Frank, that's ridiculous.

I can hammer a nail

and I have a very substantial

uh, chest structure.

Well, it's not just
chest structure.

It has to do
with the whole muscular

skeletal, uh,
uh, cardiovascular, uh..

I'll call the union and tell 'em
I'll hire the woman.

[instrumental music]

[groans]

- Hey, uh, Uncle Frank?
- Yeah.

Now, was I
supposed to knock down

three walls
in apartment number two

or two walls
in apartment number three?

Two walls
in apartment number three.

Tcha, dude, I was right.

[sighs]

What a great way
to start the day, huh?

[laughs]
Yeah.

Hi, Frank.

- Oh, hi.
- 'Hi, guys.'

Oh, gee, thanks for bringing

these blueprints...to me.

No problem.

So, how's it going
with the new female carpenter?

Oh, fantastic,
I'll tell you, Carol

you were right,
I was wrong.

Aggie can swing a hammer
with any guy.

And she smells
a whole lot better.

Yeah, well, with your crew
that's not exactly

a huge accomplishment.

Yeah, but you know,
not only that

she has great contacts.

She already got me a job
with a guy in Green Bay

whose motel
needs a lot of work.

So you see, Frank,
if you just remain

a little open-minded,
great things can happen.

Oh, here you go, Joe.

I'm done with the Skilsaw.

- Tha-that's Aggie?
- Yeah.

Frank, I just want
to warn you that

Phil might be coming
to talk to you.

We had a little disagreement
about off-color jokes.

Oh, gee, I-I'm sorry, Aggie.

I- I guess the guys
get a little raunchy sometimes.

Oh, no, I told the joke.

But Phil seemed
kind of offended.

I mean, who knew his wife
is actually a farmer's daughter?

Oh, is that the joke
about the traveling salesman

the farmer's daughter
and the snake?

Right.

[laughing]

Oh, yeah, Aggie.

I want you to meet
my wife Carol.

- Oh, oh, uh, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

Uh, you know your husband
is the best boss in the world.

He's such a doll, but I guess
you hear that all the time.

No, actually, you're the first
construction worker

to call my husband a doll.

Hey, Aggie, could you
bring up the router?

On my way.
Nice meeting you.

Yeah.

- Frank?
- Huh? Oh, sorry.

Sorry, honey.
Now, now, come on, you guys!

Haven't you ever seen
a carpenter before?

[sighs]
Yeah..

Construction workers.

[instrumental music]

[man on TV]
'And in the commodities market'

'May soybeans are up to 564.'

Yes, 564.

[man on TV]
'July oats held steady'

'and July wheat skyrocketed'

'to six thirty-five and a half.'

Yes, 635.

[man on TV]
'And that's it
for the financial news.'

Mark, I didn't understand a word

that cheese-head was saying.

Me neither.

Let me put it in terms

even you Lamberts
can understand.

You have more money.

We do? How much?

Last week,
we started out with 500

now we have $1800.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

$1800?

Well, that's a whole year
of college.

Or a Gucci handbag.

Wait a minute, if $500
became $1800 in just a week

then in another week,
$1800 will become..

...a whole lot of money.

- Yeah!
- Whoa, slow down, slow down.

- It's not that easy.
- Well, sure, it is.

Just take the $1800
and buy more wheat.

Bad idea, I sense that
the wheat market has topped out.

I'd like to invest in coffee

but we need a minimum
of $2000 to do that.

Oh, man,
I'd kill for another $200.

Oh, God, if you send me $200

I'll be eternally grateful.

Hey, guys!

I sold all my candy bars.

I must have over $200.

[instrumental music]

Oh, man, it's really
snowing out there.

You can't see two feet
in front of your face.

Of course, I never figured out
why you'd wanna see your feet

in front your face.

It's a riddle, alright?
Where's Frank?

Oh, he shouldn't be long,
about half an hour.

He and Aggie stayed behind
to finish up

some last-minute details
in Green Bay.

Hmm. Hm.
Last-minute details.

Is that what they're calling it
these days?

Dana, for your information,
your stepfather

is merely utilizing
Aggie's professional talent

so he can get
the job done sooner

so he can return home
to his slightly older

yet still
very attractive spouse.

[telephone rings]

I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, hi, Frank.

Where are you?

Oh, you're kidding.

No, I understand.

If you don't want to drive home

'cause the roads are dangerous.

Mm-hm. Me, too.

Okay. Bye.

Let me guess,
Frank and Ms. Tool Belt

are stuck together
in a motel for the night?

Tcha, talk about
your tough breaks.

Man.

You know, I bet neither
one of 'em have their pajamas.

Boy, two lonely people

thrown together on a cold night

in a strange town
without their jammies.

How will they pass the hours?

Dana, Dana.

Perhaps, you're just
too young to understand

but the foundation
for a good marriage

is love and trust.

There is no room
for jealousy

or suspicion.

And no matter what
the circumstances may be

I trust Frank completely.

Now, I would appreciate it if
you would go in the other room

and tell the kids
that dinner is ready.

Okay.

Boy, Carol,
that was an awesome speech.

Especially the part about
love and trust in a marriage.

Yeah, love and trust.
Right.

Now, get me a snow can,
I'm going to Green Bay.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

That's a great one.

I've been in constructions
for 20 years

I've never heard that joke.

You know, Frank, I really wanna
thank you for hiring me.

[Frank]
'Why?'

You wouldn't believe
the Neanderthal

attitude a lot of guys have.

I mean, lot of men think
construction work

isn't for women.

You're kidding?

[scoffs]
In this day and age?

Oh, and you know what
they use as an excuse?

They blame it
on the female chest structure.

[laughs]

That is so ridiculous.

Well, personally, I think
guys who believe that

are just insecure
about their own masculinity.

Eh, well, I-I wouldn't
go that far, Aggie.

[instrumental music]

Oh, this is a great dance song.

- Oh, come on. Let's dance.
- Well, uh..

Uh, no, I-I don't
think I should.

Oh, come on, Frank,
It'll be fun.

U- u-uh, I-I'm not
a very good dancer.

Oh, stop being so modest.

You're obviously
in great shape.

I mean, look how you're built.

Well..

...I try and workout
a little bit.

Push-ups. Sit-ups.

Karate.

Well, I bet
you got some great moves.

Oh, come on, Frank,
I've seen you walk.

You got natural rhythm.

Well, maybe just...one dance.

[instrumental music]

[man on TV]
'Gold is up a dollar
and fifteen ounce.'

'Sugar is unchanged.'

'Oil is up 50 cents a barrel'

'and in today's most
surprising story'

'the dictatorship responsible'

'for choking
the South American coffee trade'

'has been toppled.'

'A wave of
panic trading followed'

'and coffee prices
plunged to a record low.'

[music on TV]

Well, wasn't that
an illuminating report?

I think I'll go upstairs
and, uh, wax my wingtips.

Hold it. Where do you think
you're going, fish lips?

Mark, just how much
of our money did you lose?

Well, if I had to round it off
to actual dollars and cents..

...everything.

Even my chipmunk money?

Afraid so.

Okay, that's it.
Brendan, get a rope.

We're stringing him up.

Let's give him a pink belly.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Get up!
- Hey, stop.

Hey, guys, hold it. Hold, hold,
I just pressed these slacks.

[indistinct chatter]

Wow. Mob violence.

Vigilante justice.

A town without pity.

Codeman, you gotta help me.

I lost all their money.

Alright there, dudes,
let him go.

Thanks, Cody,
they were gonna kill me.

Whoa, death,
the ultimate harshen.

But he blew our life savings.

Oh, no, he didn't,
because I never invested

any money for you guys.

Why not?

'Cause you guys have that look

in your eyes.

What look?

You know,
that '80s "Greed is good."

Michael Douglas kind of look
that everybody gets

when they're trying to get
somethin' for nothin'?

Thank, Codeman,
you saved our lives.

Where's our money?

Oh, I hid it
in a very safe place.

The location of which
I wrote down on my hand.

Maybe I wrote it
on someone else's hand.

Alright, you guys,
let's see a show of hands.

Come on.

Turn that one over there.

Alright. Alright.

[instrumental music]

♪ I want some hot stuff
baby tonight ♪

♪ Hot stuff baby ♪♪

Frank?

Frank?

Oh!

Thanks, that one
was a lot of fun. Oh.

I haven't been out dancing
in a long time.

Yeah, well, you certainly
seemed to be enjoying yourself.

[sighs]

You should have your boyfriend

take you out dancing.

Well, I-I don't
have a boyfriend.

We split up
a couple weeks ago.

Oh, gee, I-I'm sorry, Aggie.

I didn't mean to bring up
a sore point.

Yeah, but don't worry,
somebody else will come along.

Well, actually there is someone
I have my eye on

but I don't think
there's any way

it could ever work out
between us.

Well, why not?

I don't think
I should tell you this.

Oh, come on,
we've had dinner, we danced.

We've even drywalled together.

Yeah, you're right, we have
gotten a lot closer tonight.

So come on, talk to me.

Okay.

[clears throat]

This guy I like,
he's a little older than me.

Well, that's not
necessarily a problem.

Well, I know, especially
since he's in great shape

but I also work with him.

He-he's older than you?

He's in great shape
an-and you work with him?

Yeah, I know I shouldn't get
involved with guys I work with

but this guy is just so sexy.

I just can't help myself.

- I mean, he's a real doll.
- Yeah.

Alright, just stop
right there, Aggie.

I- I can see where this is going?

- You can?
- Yes.

I mean, here we are,
havin' a good time

you have certain feelings for me
and you want me.

But...the fact is, I'm married

and you can't have me.

- Uh, Frank, listen--
- No, no, listen.

I- I have to say this.

Now, call me old-fashioned,
but this little gold band

on my finger
means that my wife

is the only woman
in the world for me.

- Frank--
- No, no, no. No.

- Oh, Frank--
- No, no, you don't..

You don't have to apologize.
I understand.

You're vulnerable,
and here I am

a sexy good-looking guy

with, you know,
some pretty good dance moves

and you find me irresistible.

So...I'm gonna have to be
the strong one here.

Forget me, Aggie.

You'll only get hurt.

Are you finished?

I'm sorry,
but it, it-it had to be said.

No, it didn't.

Frank, you're really nice guy

but I wasn't talking about you.

You weren't?

No, there's no way
I'd get involved with you.

I mean, first of all,
you're married.

Second, you're kind of old.

And third..

...I'm just not physically
attracted to you.

You're not?

Sorry.

Oh, no, no, don't be sorry.

Oh, wow, my God, I am relieved

to find out that I'm completely
unattractive to you.

[laughing]

I mean, whoo!

Wow!

Well, it's, uh, it's,
it's gettin', it's gettin' late.

- It's almost, uh.. Oh, 8:30.
- 'Oh!'

Why don't I turn in?

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

[laughs]

I want to die.

[sighs]

- Oh, there you are!
- Carol?

- Okay, where is she?
- Who?

Oh, little Ms. Socket Wrench.

- You, you mean Aggie?
- Oh, yeah, what's she doing?

Slipping into a more
comfortable tool belt?

Oh, no, she went up to her room
to go to sleep.

Oh, right,
and you're down here?

- Yeah.
- By yourself?

Well, of course.

What are you doin' here?

What am I doing here?

Uh, well, uh..

We're out of ketchup.

Wait.

Carol, did you drive
all the way here

because you thought
Aggie and I..

Well..

- Maybe.
- Oh, Carol, that's ridiculous.

Why? She's stuck here
in a motel with you.

And you're funny
and you're handsome

and you're sexy.

Oh, keep talking, honey,
I really need to hear this.

Oh, Frank,
you must think I'm crazy

driving up here in a blizzard.

I guess I just made
a big fool out of myself.

Well, hey, that happens.

I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

Oh, sweetheart,
you have absolutely no reason

to be jealous of me.

I love you, you're the only
woman in the world for me.

Oh, Frank.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Boy, the snow
is really coming down.

Only a lunatic would be out
in a night like this.

Whoa! Man, is this
a great night or what?

Codeman, did you remember
where you hid our money yet?

No, but I think
if I really focus

I might be able
to figure it out, you know?

Now, let's see.

You guys were talkin' about
investing in wheat

so, I was probably
thinkin'...wheat.

Ha. Okay.

Wheat. Wheat Chex.

Checkers. King me.

Kingfish. Fish.

Fish. Fish. Swim.

Pool.

Pool hall.

Billiards.

Big ball in the corner pocket.

Pocket. Pocket! That's it.

Dude, it's in my pocket.

[instrumental music]