Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 14 - Happy Birthday, Baby - full transcript

[instrumental music]

- Oh, hi, honey.
- Hi, Frank.

Carol, have you noticed
that between the kids

and our jobs,
that romance is just sort of

slippin' out of our lives?

Just a minute, Frank,
I'm fixing Mark's retainer.

Yeah, I guess it's just
my imagination.

I'm sorry.

- Hello.
- Hi.

You're right,
we have to make some time.

- Just for the two of us.
- Exactly.



And that's why I have planned

a romantic surprise for you.

Just keep Saturday night open.

Oh, oh, Saturday night?

That's Dana's birthday.

Carol, we have six kids.

It's always gonna be
somebody's birthday.

Now, honey,
i- i-if we let that stop us

we're never gonna see
each other naked again.

But it's her birthday.

I mean, it only happens
once a year.

I'm starting to feel that way
about our love life.

- Well, come on, Frank--
- Oh-oh, okay, o-okay.

We'll find another night
for romance.



- Hi, mom. Hi, Frank.
- 'Hi.'

Mom, uh, can I talk to you
about my birthday?

I had a great idea for a party
on Saturday night.

Uh, yeah, so did I.

What is it?
Oh, uh, let me guess.

Uh, you wanna have
a slumber party?

Slumber party?
What do I look like?

Punky Brewster?

Well, you had one
two years ago.

- It was a lot of fun.
- I know.

But I'm gonna be 17
this year.

I want to have
a more adult party.

What do you mean,
"More adult party?"

Simple, party with no adults.

But, Dana, you can't have
a party without chaperones.

- Why not?
- Because you're a teenager.

And you're not mature enough to
have a party without grown-ups.

Fine. If that's the way you feel

I won't have a party at all.

Just do something with Tracy.

Oh, great,
Dana doesn't even want me

to be with her on her birthday.

Oh, I know, honey

but every cloud
has its silver lining.

At least you are free
Saturday night.

[chuckles]

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost?
you wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're putting it
together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step
day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Whites, whites, whites.

Darks, darks, darks.

Geeks, geeks, geeks.

Hey, what you doin'?

It's my turn to do the laundry

and I am making sure
we don't get any

foster crud on our clothes.

Good idea.

I'd hate to get their cooties.

Al, drop everything.

I need to have this blouse
washed right away.

You know the rules,
glamor puss.

No drop offs after 11 o'clock.

But this is an emergency.

I have a date with Bobby
this afternoon

and I want it to be memorable.

So go topless,
he'll never forget that.

On second thought
maybe he would.

Come on, Al,
I really need this.

I'll pay you a dollar.

- Two dollars.
- Okay, fine.

I'll pay you later.

Now, this blouse
is very delicate.

So, use cold water, no bleach,
and wash it separately.

Got it.

Geeks.

[instrumental music]

Carol?

Hi, honey, o-oh, you can
put that in the kitchen

with the rest of Dana's gifts.

No, no,
this isn't for Dana, honey.

- This is for you.
- For me?

Yeah, well, I know
you've been upset because Dana

didn't wanna celebrate
her birthday with you.

So, I bought you something
to cheer you up.

Aww, aww, that's so sweet.

You bought this to cheer meup?

Yeah, uh, you put that on

and I'll be cheerin' up
for the both of us.

Aww, thanks, Frank,
that's so sweet

but, tsk, I don't know

I'm just not in the mood
right now.

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, hi, Tracy.
- Hi, Mrs. Lambert.

- Mr. Lambert. Nice nightie.
- Oh!

It was a gift.

- Hi, Tracy.
- Hi.

Figured out what you wanna do
for your birthday tonight?

- Uh, not yet.
- Really?

You don't have any plans?

Well, you know, if you wanna
party, I could still go--

Mom..

...let it go.

Sorry, it's just a thought.

Come on, Tracy,
let's go out front

and figure out
what we're gonna do.

Tsk, oh, Frank.

I can't stand this.

She doesn't need me anymore.

Hey, honey.

I- I know it's hard,
but you just have to

look at the bright side
of things.

Yeah, what's that?

Well, the sooner
that the, the baby birds

fly off on their own,
the sooner mama bird

can romp around the nest
in this cute little red number.

Alright, you little creep.

Look, what you did to my blouse.

- What?
- It's purple.

It was white,
and now it's purple!

Look, you wanted me to wash it,
I washed it.

Now where's my money?

Forget it.
I'm not paying you a dime.

Fine then, I'll just take it
out of your hide.

[scoffs]
Oh, don't threaten me, missy.

The only reason
you're still standing

is because I just gave myself
a French tip.

Girls, girls, girls,
this is barbaric.

Well, strangely exciting.

Still, there must be
a better way to solve this.

I know, you guys
should go on People's Court.

How are they supposed
to get to California?

Maybe they don't have to.

What if we just stage
our own trial?

But who could we get
to be the judge?

Barbie's right.

Where are we gonna find
someone crazy enough

to put on a robe and pretend
they're Judge Wapner?

Well, when they say
highly flammable

they're not kiddin'.
Ha ha ha!

Tcha. Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

I cannot believe
my mother doesn't think

I'm mature enough
to have a party without adults.

Ooh, are those gummy bears?

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

My cousin works
at the Lakeside Inn.

Maybe he can get us a room.

And we can call
a bunch of people

and party all night.

Yeah, right,
what am I gonna tell my mom?

Tell her you're sleeping over
at my house.

What are you gonna tell
your mom?

I'll tell her I'm sleeping over
at your house.

Trust me, it works.

I saw it on "Growing Pains."

- I don't know.
- Come on.

Go for it.

For once in your life
take a chance.

- Um..
- Come on.

- What the heck, let's do it.
- Okay. Yeah.

It's time for me to cut loose.

Take a walk on the wild side.

- Be a renegade.
- Yeah. Yes.

Let me just get my water pack.

[instrumental music]

Oh, look,
here's a picture of Dana

when she was only two hours old.

Whoa, Conehead City.

[chuckles]

Oh, and there she's blowing out
her candles at her sweet 16.

Ah, you know, Carol, when
you look at pictures like this

you realize that
life is just like

an episode
of "Gilligan's Island."

It's full of ups and downs.

But over much too quickly.

Oh, that's so true, Cody.

It goes by so fast.

You know, one page
Dana's a new born

and few pages later
she's 17.

[scoffs]

Yeah, and that's just the start.

Huh, before you know it,
she'll be going off to college

then graduating, getting a job,
marrying some guy you hate.

Tcha! Moving off
to God knows where.

Tcha.

Sendin' you pictures of babies

you've never even met.

Oh, God, it's worse
than I thought.

Yeah. Tcha.

[sobbing]

Whoa.

♪ Hey hey it's Saturday night ♪

♪ Who's ready
for a little romance? ♪♪

Hi, Frank.

Oh, jeez, what happened?

You know, Uncle Frank, I think
something's bothering Carol.

I could be wrong,
but I'm usually

pretty tuned into
these sort of things.

- Thanks.
- Be careful.

[sighs]

Here, honey.
Are you still upset about Dana?

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Just because 17 years ago
tonight at exactly 10:47

after almost 14 hours
of excruciating labor

I brought a child
into this world

who now doesn't even wanna
have a little piece of cake

and ice-cream with me.
Why should I be upset?

[crying]

Alright. Okay, honey.
Come on.

Now you have got to get
your mind off Dana.

Now, we're gonna go
ahead and have

that romantic night
I promised you.

I guarantee it's gonna
make you feel better.

Thanks, Frank,
but I don't think so.

Oh, sweetheart.

Trust me, it's gonna be fun.

Okay, but the last time
someone said that to me

I ended up with Mark.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

This is one hot party.

I mean, I don't even know
half of these people.

For the first time in my life

I feel like a mature,
independent person.

I answer to nobody.

[knock on door]

Oh, my God. It's my mom.

Quick, everybody under the bed.

Dana, relax.
It's not your mother.

It's probably just the pizzas.

Hi, Pizza Castle.

Get in here,
someone might see us.

I got six pizzas.
That'll be 49.75.

Okay.

Here's 50.

Keep the change.

Wow, whole quarter.

Now my mom can have
that heart operation.

Wait a second.
Here's a buck.

Tell them to throw in a kidney.

Cute.

Oh, Frank.

Oh, the Lakeside Inn.

This is just so romantic.

Yeah, well, you ain't seen
nothin' yet. Ha ha ha!

Oh. Oh.

Frank, champagne and dinner.

Oh.

Oh, you are the best.

Ah, well, I know
you've been all wrapped up

with Dana's birthday, you know.

And I figured
maybe you needed to

be wrapped up in something else.

- Like my arms.
- Oh.

- You have a way with words.
- Well, yeah.

I'm okay with words,
but you know

I'm a blue collar kinda guy.

Much prefer working
with my hands.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

Oyez! Oyez!

The court is now in session.

The Honorable Codeman presiding.

All rise.

Thanks, little bailiff dude.
Ha ha!

Now, this court will work
like any other court in America

except we're gonna take
a short recess

at 9 o'clock, so the bailiff
can put on his jammies.

Hey, I object.

Okay, 9:30.

But don't try the patience
of this court.

Dude, I'm strict.

[instrumental music]

So, how's your salmon?

Mm, it's great.

I love salmon.

So does Dana.

It's been her favorite food ever
since she was two years old.

Honey, I brought you here
for a nice romantic evening.

And all you do
is talk about Dana.

I'm sorry, Frank, I'm trying
to relax, but it's not easy.

Ah, I know, I know. I..

Hey, listen, listen.

Tell you what I'll do,
I will give you

one of my patented
Frank Lambert back massages.

Oh!

[moaning]

Oh, I am so tense.

Yeah, I know, I know.

But just ten minutes of this

and you're gonna be a new woman.

[instrumental music]

So, Miss Foster said she'd pay
you $2 for washing the blouse?

That's correct.

Thank you,
you may step down.

Hmm.

Your Honor, the defense calls

Karen Foster to the stand.

Alright, but I'd like
to remind Miss Foster

that that oath thing
is still happenin'

so don't be slingin' it.
You know what I'm sayin'?

- I do.
- Be seated.

Now, Miss Foster, you claimed
that your blouse was ruined

and yet you still wore it
on your date with Bobby?

Oh, yes, but that's because I--

Your Honor, I have here
sworn statements

from Bobby and 12 other guys
at the mall.

They all thought Karen looked
great in that blouse.

Well, that's not fair.
I look great in everything.

Isn't that a fact
that three of them

even asked you for dates?

- Um--
- Speak Up!

We can't hear you.

Well?

Well?

Okay, okay, I admit it.

It's true, it's a curse.

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

Nothing further, Your Honor.

[Cody]
'Well..'

So, what's the verdict,
Your Honor?

I find..

...in favor of everyone.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means that even though Al
changed the color

of your blouse,
clearly she didn't ruin it

ergo she doesn't have to pay
you damages.

And you don't have to pay her
for washing it.

Case closed.

All rise.

Man, I don't know how
Judge Wapner does it. Tcha.

You mean, handling the pressure
of deciding case after case?

No, I mean, wearing
this funky robe all day.

[instrumental music]

[moaning]

Frank, oh, Frank, thank you.

Oh, I'm finally relaxed.

Oh, good, I was starting
to lose the feeling in my hands.

Oh, Frank.

Frank, I know that
it's been a hard work

but I really think
it'll be worth it

because I am now completely
relaxed.

Completely here
and completely yours.

- Oh.
- Oh.

[upbeat music]

Frank, what is that pounding?

Yeah, that's the beating
of my heart, honey.

And you, you just ignore it.

But, Frank, it's-it's a party,
and it's really loud.

Oh, okay, no problem.
I'll go kill them.

Frank. Frank, don't you think
that's a little drastic?

Carol, I've had three hours
of the overture.

It's time to move on
to the symphony.

Frank, if you go over there,
you'll just lose your temper.

So, I'm go over there,
I'll take care of the people

at the party, okay?
I'll be right back.

Okay.

I'll be waiting.

[indistinct chatter]

[gasps]

Okay, open up!

Hello.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Lambert.

Okay, where is Dana?

Uh, Dana? Dana's not here.

We told you she's sleeping
over at my house.

And so am I. Excuse me.

I will be speaking
with your mother later.

I had a feeling.

Anybody else's mother
I should speak to?

[indistinct chatter]

Want some cake?

No, I do not want some cake.

I cannot believe you would sneak
around behind my back.

I didn't have any choice.

It was the only way I can have

the kind of party I wanted.

But you lied to me.

You told me you were at Tracy's.

How am I supposed to protect you

if I don't know where you are?

Mom, mob informants
have less protection than I do.

I am sick of being treated
like a baby.

Listen, Dana,
when you live on your own

you can do whatever you want.

But as long as you live
under my roof

you are going to obey my rules
whether you like it or not.

Do you understand?

Oh, I am so angry with you.

I don't even know what to say.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Mom, don't just stare at me.

Say something, anything.

It's 10:47.

Okay.

Exactly 17 years ago at this
exact time, you were born

and here I am giving you the old

As-long-as-you-live
under-my-roof speech.

It's okay.
I shouldn't have lied to you.

Look, Dana, I know I treat
you like a baby sometimes

but to me, it seems like
it was just a minute ago

that you were a baby.

I will never forget
the way you looked

when they handed you to me
for the first time.

You were all pink
and wiggly

and...s-so...little.

And I felt so responsible.

'And I guess I still do.'

I know that..

...I may be a little
over-protective

but it's just because
I love you so much.

I know. I love you too.

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry I lied to you.

I know I give you a lot of grief

but you really are a great mom.

Thanks.

You're really a great kid.

Not a little kid..

...but you know,
a grown up lady-type kid.

- I got it.
- Come on.

Frank's across the hall,
let's go get him

and we'll drive home.

I'll tell you what.

Next year, on your birthday,
you can have a big party

and Frank and I'll stay
upstairs, you'll never see us.

No offence, mom, but next year
I'll be 18

and I could be on my own
and living with a biker by then

if I wanted to.

Oh, God.

- Frank?
- 'Ready or not, here I come.'

You're worried about me?

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh, oh.

[doorbell rings]

Yo, mama.

Ah, may-may I help you?

I'm here to pick up my woman.

Oh, uh, I-I-I think
there must be some mistake.

[Dana]
'Spike, is that you?'

You bet, baby.

Thanks for everything, mom.
Have a nice life.

Dana. Dana, come back.

Dana. Don't-don't go, Dana.

Don't go, don't go
don't go.

- Don't go, no, no, don't--
- Ho-honey. Honey.

Carol, you're having
a nightmare, honey.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness.

- Oh.
- 'Uh, where are you going?'

To nail Dana's door shut.

[instrumental music]