Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 13 - If I Were a Rich Man - full transcript

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Don't you guys
stick a sock in it?

Frank, as much as I hate
to say this, I need your help.

I have a physics test on Monday
and I cannot study in my room

with these two pinheads
fighting with each other.

Alright.

Okay, girls, what's the problem?

Tinkerbell won't let me
use the stereo.

[scoffs]
Frank, I always prepare
for my dates

by listening
to a very important tape.



Yeah, Cindy Crawford.
"Ten Days To A Better Mole."

[scoffs]

It isnotCindy Crawford.

It's called
"Teenage Dating Tips."

And for your information,
they've made me

what I am today, missy.

- "Missy!"
- 'Uh-uh..'

Okay.

Karen, you listen to the stereo

while you're getting ready
for your date.

Al, you can listen to it
the rest of the night.

- I'm okay with that.
- Me too.

[chuckles]

Yeah, you know,
I'll tell you, Dana..



...when it comes
to solvin' problems

old Frankie's
got the magic touch.

- Ah! Ow!
- Oh, yeah?

Well, how does old Frankie
propose that I study for my test

with the stereo blasting
all night?

Why don't you go to the library?

The library? Oh, that's great.

I want peace and quiet
to do my homework

and you send me to a pick-up
joint like the library.

- Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi. Hey.

Uh, what did they say
about fixing the camera?

Well, they said it'll cost
about $400 to fix it.

I figured, with that price,
might as well

spend 500 and buy a new one.

Five hundred?
Honey, that's a lot of money.

D- d-do you think
we even need a video camera?

Yes. The kids are going to be
moving out before we know it.

And we need this to capture
those special moments

we're sharing as a family.

Uh-huh..

Thanks a lot
for ruining my life, Frank.

From now on,
when I have a problem

I'll talk to a stray dog
instead of you.

Wa-was that one of those
special moments, honey?

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Whoa-a whoa-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ Cause you're
puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Dudesie. Ha ha!

Man, I have had it
with teachers.

Dad, I tried apologizing,
just like you said.

But he still gave me detention
for one little practical joke.

J.T., you're gonna get punished

when you put an arrow
in your gym teacher's jockstrap.

That's just the way it is, pal.

I guess so.

Dude, J.T.

you just need somebody
to cheer you up.

That's why the Codeman's gonna
take you to a place

where the fun never stops.

We're going
to the topless car wash.

Better! We're going
to the Lakeview Retirement Home.

[chuckles]

How is that fun?

Bro, I go there
a couple of times a week

just to check on my buds.

Hey, you know,
they're just like you and me

except they're, you know,
older and wrinklier

and they suck down
a lot more stewed prunes.

By the way,
an excellent purgative.

I'm sorry, Codeman,
but I'd rather do anything

than hang out with
a bunch of old people.

Ah, J.T.,
I'm real glad to hear that

because I need
a little extra help

scummin' out
the septic tank today.

Okay, which way
to the prune bar?

[instrumental music]

[yawns]

[man on TV]
'Join us tomorrow
for another episode'

'of "Edge Of Darkness."'

Tell you, Aster,
if I watch one more soap opera

I'm gonna lose my lunch.

It's not that
it was worth keeping.

I hear you, Walter.

I've been sitting
in this chair so long

I'm getting butt burn.

Yeah, I wish
something interesting

would happen around here.

- Dudes!
- Hey!

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles]

Ah..

So, my babe, looking good, huh?

[chuckles]
Alright.

Oh! Leonard, my man!

You got
the orthopedic cross-trainers!

Gotta love that. Ha ha ha.

Oh, Aster babe

the Codeman got you
a little somethin' to wear

in the dining room
when it gets nippy.

[chuckles]
Oh!

"Hog mamas do it on two wheels."

Oh, Cody, you're so hot.

If were only 60 years younger--

- We'd be stylin'! Ha ha!
- Totally.

[laughs]

- Walter, my main man!
- Yay!

[chuckles]
How's it goin', bud?

Shirley still
got the love jones for you?

Night and day, Codeman.

She's all over me
like Bengay on a bad joint.

Tcha!

[Cody chuckles]

The Walter-nator, huh?

Kicking butt
on the battlefield of love.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

Is this guy cool or what?

[Cody chuckles]

Tell, tell me, Cody

do you have that, uh

fly-fishing magazine
I asked for?

[chuckles]
Yeah, buddy. Yeah.

[chuckles]

Check this out, dude.

You're gonna
knock your socks off.

Just don't let Shirley catch ya.

[chuckles]

Dude, check out the chart
on page 56.

- Oh..
- Whoa! Easy there.

- Yeah. Yeah, is this in 3D?
- Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Oh, buddy.
- Hey, Cody.

Uh, could I talk to you
for a minute?

Sure.
I'll be right back, Walter.

- Yeah.
- Heh heh heh. Enjoy.

[chuckles]

Cody, uh,
I think I'm gonna split.

This really isn't
my kind of place.

Oh, come on, J.T.,
give it a chance, dude.

[chuckles]
Go-go talk to Shirley.

Hey, you know, she used to be
a stripper in Chicago.

[chuckles]

Oh, man, that's disgusting!

Well, dude, it's not like she
was doin' it last week. Tcha.

[chuckles]
Go talk to her. Go..

Okay, okay, but if she unbuttons
anything, I'm out of here.

Hi, there. Uh, I'm J.T.
Cody said I should talk to you.

Well, hi, sonny. You're cute.

You look just like that
little boy in "The Monsters."

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Lady, you're killin' me!

Okay, you head bangers,
let's get ready

to have a little jam session.

Yeah, I wrote a song,
special just for you.

[instrumental music]

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the stuck
in the nursin' home ♪

♪ Watchin' soap operas all day ♪

♪ Waitin' for my rotten kids ♪

♪ Who never show up blues ♪

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the sick and tired
of eatin' rotten food ♪

♪ And gettin' butt burn watchin'
soap operas all day blues ♪

♪ But when the Codeman comes ♪

♪ He gonna chase
all my blues away ♪

My man, Leonard,
give us some eighty eights.

Alright, Leonard.

My man, Mr. Walter Goldman
on the tenor sax.

[saxophone music]

♪ I got the blues ♪♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the blues ♪♪ I got the blues ♪

♪ I got the sick and tired
of being bored all day ♪

♪ And hogging tapioca puddin' ♪

♪ And goin' to bed
at six o'clock blues ♪♪

[music continues]

[saxophone music]

[cheering]

[instrumental music]

Alright, drop everything.
Close your eyes.

Oh, not this again. Okay.

Help, help, I'm all alone
and a handsome male burglar's

breaking into my house!

Carol, that's not
what I had in mind. Uh..

But I'll take a rain check.

Yeah, uh,
I- I got you a surprise.

[gasps]
Oh!

Oh, a new video camera.

I thought you didn't wanna
spend the money.

Yeah, no, honey, I said

"I didn't wanna spend
500 bucks."

But after three days
of careful shopping

I found the best deal in town.

A 162.50.

A 162.50? What kind of camera
costs a 162.50?

Oh, Carol, Carol, Carol.

Let me explain to you
the world of retail.

A camera like this
costs about 23 cents

to make somewhere in China.

Yeah, the rest
is all added on by the store

to cover the cost of middlemen
and overhead.

[chuckles]
But old Frankie's a little
too smart to fall for that.

I found a place
that cuts out the middleman.

Rusty's Galaxy Of Gadgets.

Rusty's Galaxy Of Gadgets?
I never heard of it.

Yeah, honey. A guy at work
told me about him.

- Rusty's all over it.
- What do you mean all over it?

- Like a chain?
- No.

All over it like a Buick.

He-he sells
out of the trunk of his car.

Frank, are you an idiot?

Carol, I checked it out
before I bought it.

It works great, here, come here

I'll show you, come on,
sit here, now.

Now, do that dance
you did at the New Year's party.

- Oh, I don't wanna.. No--
- Oh, come on!

Honey, it was very cute.
Everybody loved it.

Now, come on, just do it for me.

- Ugh! Alright.
- And...go.

[scatting]

Oh, yeah.

[scatting]

Uh, honey. Uh, Carol.

- Honey, Carol, Carol.
- What?

Oh.

Dude.

[clears throat]

Uh, Cody, got a new camera.

Why don't you say something
here, huh?

Oh, no, Uncle Frank,
I'm really not in the mood.

What's the matter, Cody?

Well, I just
talked to my friends

at the Lakeview
Retirement Home.

[sighs]
My main man Walter died.

- Oh.
- I can't believe it.

I was just up there
jamming with him the other day.

Oh, gee.
Cody, we're really sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

You know,
but Walter always told me

that when you lose a friend

you shouldn't mourn
his death, you know?

You should, like,
celebrate his life.

Walter sounds
like a pretty special guy.

Yeah, he is the best.
Oh, he left me this letter.

I just haven't had a chance
to read it yet.

Oh, well,
let's see what it says.

Okay.

[sighs]
"Dear Codeman."

[chuckles]
Tcha!

- Okay.
- Yeah.

"My lawyer will give you
this letter after I croak."

Walter was psychic.

"You've been a real pal
to me, Codeman

"so I'm leaving you
my little nest egg.

"I asked my lawyer
to throw a farewell party

"for me at Lakeview.

At that time, he'll give you
a check for $250,000."

- What?
- 250,000?

Wow! I'm like a rich dude.

[Cody]
Pfft!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

So, Codeman, I hear you
came into a little cash.

Yeah, buddy.

My main man Walter died.

He left me $250,000.

I'm like a millionaire

except, I'm about, like,
750,000 short.

- Wow, that's major bucks.
- Tcha!

Any idea how you're gonna
spend it?

Yeah, dude, I'm makin' a list.

See, I thought I'd get
Uncle Frank a new power mower.

[chuckles]
And, well, then I can
buy pizza every night.

And then Carol wouldn't
have to cook, right?

Cody, Cody, Cody

you can't just
fritter your money away.

You gotta invest.
You gotta plan for the future.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Do you have any idea
what I should invest in?

Me!

- You?
- Sure.

[chuckles]

Okay. Picture this.

You buy me a Maserati.

I snag a rich babe,
buy a castle in Spain

and you could park your van
in our driveway

for the rest of your life.

There it is. Your future.

Solid as a rock.

- Yeah.
- Ha ha ha.

How much do these
Maserati dealies cost?

Oh, a 100 grand.
A mere drop in the bucket.

Sounds good.
Ha ha. I'll put it down.

Cody.

Cody, Cody, Cody.

[chuckles]

The Dane-meister.

You know,Codeman.

[chuckles]

I've been thinkin'.

I've been
in kind of a cranky mood

for the past...year and a half.

[Dana chuckles]

And I just want to let you know

that even though
I act like I hate your guts

I'm really quite fond of you.

Oh, excuse me while I hurl.

[scoffs]

Oh, Cody.

[chuckles]

I just had the best idea.

Well, now that you're rich

you can finance
my exercise video.

Uh, Cody, I need five grand
for baseball camp.

I need a cool laptop
and laser printer.

I need a pony.

Dudes, one at a time,
one at a time.

I want an apartment..

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

- Alright, here you go.
- Okay.

- Hold it right there.
- Right.

Okay, look through that
and press that button.

Okay.

Oh, wow!

Oh, this is great.

This is a lot easier
than our other camera.

- Yeah. See?
- 'Hi.'

Honey, you don't have to spend

five billion dollars to get a
good camera.

Right.

Frank, the eye thingy fell out.

Oh. Geez, honey,
you must be usin' it wrong.

Here. You know, let me show you.

You have to be very gentle

with a piece of high-tech
equipment like this, you know?

You gotta ho..

[camera film whirring]

Frank, this camera's
falling apart!

Uh, uh, no, no, no, it's not.
No, it's n..

Uh, but i-i-it is getting, um,
a little warm.

[chuckles]

- Ah!
- Ah! Ah!

Oh, geez.

[sighs]

[sighs]

- Ah!
- Idiot.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Carol.
- Hi, Cody.

[chuckles]
You know

you're gonna think this sounds
really strange and everything

but, uh, can I borrow
some money, please?

Cody, why do you need money?

You just inherited
a quarter of a million dollars.

Tcha, I know, but, well,
J.T. wants a Maserati

and Dana wants me to build her
an apartment over the garage

and Karen wants me to finance
her exercise video and..

Well, I wanna make everybody
happy, but it just adds up

to more money than I've got.

Cody, let me tell you something
about Frank's and my kids.

They're greedy little pigs.

They'd steal the gold
out of your teeth

if you fell asleep
with your mouth open.

Wow!

Dude. I mean.. Look..

I know they're askin' me
for some pretty major stuff

but, look, what's the use
of having a lot more money

if you can't spend it
on your buds?

Then, why don't you just
spend it on yourself?

On what?

You've seen my van.
I live like a king!

[sighs]
Look, Cody, I can't tell you
what to do with the money.

I mean, Walter trusted you
to do the right thing.

And, frankly, I-I think
he picked the perfect guy.

I mean, you may be a little..

...different.

[chuckles]
But you got a good heart.

And I know that tomorrow
when you get that money

you're gonna do
the right thing with it.

Thanks, Carol.

Hey, you're pretty smart.

You know,
Walter would've liked you.

- Hm.
- Hm.

[instrumental music]

Isn't it great that Walter
left all his money to Cody?

Oh, sure, he gets 250Gs

and all we get is a lousy cake.

Oh, Shirley, lighten up.

You need a man.

Tell me about it.

Okay, everybody,
we're ready to start.

Uh-huh.

I wanna thank you all
for attending this party

donated my our late friend,
Walter Goldman.

As his attorney,
it's my pleasure today

to present a check for $250,000

to Walter's beneficiary
and good friend, Cody Lambert.

- Cody.
- Yay.

Yeah.

[all applauding]

Thanks, bro. Ha ha.

Ah..

Walter, dude, got that
angel thing happenin', bro?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

You know, when I first found out
I was gettin' all of this bread

it kinda blew me away.

But Walter told me
to do the right thing with it.

So I've decided to give it

to some people
who've really meant a lot to me.

People who've taken me in and
treated me like family. Yeah.

To the Lamberts and Fosters,
I give 500 bucks.

[chuckles]
For a new video camera
and to make up for Uncle Frank

being such a bonehead
and buying an exploding camera

from a guy at a Buick.

[chuckles]

Now, I know my little cuz dudes
were expecting me

to buy 'em a lot
of really cool stuff and..

But I hope you guys understand
that there's a much more

important place
to use that money.

You know, after hangin' out here

I've learned a few things.

That the way we treat old people

in this society
is totally bogus.

'You know, we put 'em
in a retirement home'

'stick 'em in front of a TV'

'and totally ignore all
their knowledge and experience.'

'In other cultures,
the elders of the tribes'

'are totally honored
and revered for their wisdom.'

'So today I'm honoring
and revering you dudes'

'the residents of
the Lakeview Retirement Homes.'

[indistinct chatter]

I'm using the rest of this money

to put in a therapy pool,
a massage room

a roller disco,
and a couple of jet skis, huh?

[cheering]

[chuckles]
Alright.

Enough of this business stuff.

Let's do one for Walter,
huh? Yeah.

This is a straight
rock n' roller in the key of C.

- Brother.
- Okay, okay.

Alright, Leonard.

[instrumental music]

Hey, you, tight pants,
let's see what you got.

- Me?
- Come on, let's get busy.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]