Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript
No, no.
No, no, it's overheating.
Come on. Keep it together!
Aah!
Sorry.
Captain's log, star date 58354.2.
TheCerritos is back
at Tulgana IV,
where we'll be updating
the Federation consulate's
power systems,
a straightforward job
which gives us extra time
to fill some of our
Star fleet quotas.
Ugh, the recruitment booth, no!
- Well, someone's got to do it.
- Uh, do they?
'Cause last time I checked,
nobody's ever signed up
for Star fleet
at the recruitment booth.
- I did.
- Shh, shh, you're not helping.
- Sorry.
- I know it's not super exciting,
but it's our assignment.
What are you gonna do?
Hmm, complain the whole time
and make it twice as miserable.
That is your specialty.
Ow.
You okay, Rutherford?
Man, you look wiped.
I haven't slept in a week.
I keep having
the same crazy nightmare.
Ooh, the one where you're
in a new timeline
with Kirk and Spock
where they have
cinematic chemistry?
- Ugh, I wish.
- Looks like you've got
some long-term memories
stuck in the buffer.
Probably useless stuff like when
you called the captain "Mom."
Want me to purge the cache?
Yes. Anything to help me sleep.
And done.
Why don't you go take a nap?
You'll wake up feeling
like a new man.
Thanks, Tendi.
Hope you're right.
There's a spot where we can set
up in the commuter's market.
I have a degree
in xenohistory, but sure,
put me on folding-table duty.
That's great.
Oh, I'm sorry, is the booth
not exciting enough for you?
Yeah, actually, it's the worst
and I'm really glad
you said something.
Can we get a different
assignment, please?
I don't care if you like it,
- that's not the point.
- No. The point is
to give us work
nobody cares about
so the captain can tick off
a meaningless box.
I care, and I'm gonna be
checking in today.
If you so much as step
one foot out of that booth,
I will transfer you
to Star base 80.
Star base 80?
Don't joke about that.
Star base 80 is the worst.
When I get down there,
you better be in the booth
with a PADD full
of contact info,
or you'll be at SB80
faster than you can
possibly imagine.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Okey do key,
time for some shut-eye.
Hmm.
Huh?
Ah, my head.
Did I even go out last night?
Wait, what's going on here?
Ugh, those are the ugliest
nacelles I've ever seen.
And who put
Engineering down there?
That's stupid.
Wait a minute, California-class?
How did I get here?
Ensign Samanthan Rutherford.
Transferred from Douglas Station
on star date 56329.4.
Okay, shut up, shut up.
What the hell is this?
Holy moly.
What the heck is happening here?
Hey, hey! Let me out of here.
Hey, you. Give me back
control of my body.
Nah, dude, this is my body.
You already effed it up.
- No, it's not.
- Whatever, man.
I don't take orders
from a reflection.
I'm not a reflection.
Help! I think an anaphasic alien
took over my body.
- You're an anaphasic alien.
- Nuh-uh, you are.
Hey, what is this thing
on my face?
It's my face.
Fine, fine, fine,
don't answer it.
- I don't need you.
- Hey, hey! Get back here!
Aw, man.
Star fleet, get your Star fleet.
We got new worlds,
they're strange,
and they need seeking out.
Wow, it's crazy to hear you,
like, actually trying.
Yeah, I have to.
Ransom's got it out for me.
I'm not taking any chances
with creepy-ass Star base 80.
Do you have to go to Star fleet
Academy to work on a ship?
Ah, thank you for asking.
No, not at all.
You can enlist as an NCO
and then go
to the Tech Services
Academy on Mars.
You could work
in a transporter bay.
How about that?
Really?
Do the transporter guys
ever get to sit on the bridge?
Um, I mean, yeah, I guess,
it could... it could happen.
Hey, pal.
You're signing up for seven
years in a windowless room.
Wait, really?
Don't listen to her, the ships
have, like, tons of windows.
It's, like, practically
a greenhouse, right?
Just not, like,
every single room.
- Meh.
- Ugh.
What the hell, lady?
I was about to close.
Aw, did I step on your
little sales pitch?
What are you even, some
kind of space archaeologist?
Independent space archaeologist.
That first part's important,
since you know,
I'm free to do whatever I want,
unlike some ensigns around here.
All right, fine. Whatever.
Uh, Star fleet.
Get your Star fleet.
Prepare yourself
for Warp 10 excitement.
Discover
the undiscovered country.
How often do you get
to collect dilithium?
Oh, all the time,
tons of crystals.
Hey, buddy.
- You want to be a Borg?
- What? No.
Star fleet crews get assimilated
all the time.
Hope you like being covered
in black rubber tubing.
- Aah!
- We do not!
Borg drone, Star fleet drone,
what's the diff?
The "diff" is I'm about to shove
one of those artifacts
- up your ass.
- Mariner, don't.
Just stay focused.
Graphenated corridor joists?
These Cali-class junkers
are such fire traps.
The Cerritosis a great ship.
Give me back my body.
Hey, there, pretty lady.
- Hey, Rutherford. What's up?
- No, no. Don't talk to her.
I mean, everything,
now that I ran into you.
Trill, huh?
Those spots go all the way down?
Excuse me?
Barnes, call the captain.
He's an alien or something.
Hey, Trill, uh, when is
the security shift change?
Why would I know?
Because you're in security?
We've been on four dates
and you don't even know
what division I'm in?
Well, damn. Maybe if you
weren't so boring,
I'd remember some of this stuff.
Uh!
Oh, okay. Walk away.
I got to figure out a way
to contact Tendi.
She'll know
how to get rid of you.
Wait, who's Tendi?
Uh, nobody. Never mind.
- Computer, locate Tendi.
- Computer, no!
Ensign Tendi
is currently located
in Repair Bay Five.
No, no, no, no. I-I don't know
what you're thinking,
but you stay away from her.
Hey, check out this pod plant
from Omicron Ceti III.
It blasts out
mind-control pollen.
Jeepers creepers.
That's swell.
I don't even talk like that.
She's gonna see right
through you, you goofy goof.
Oopsie doodle.
I can't remember when
the security shift change is.
- It's at 0900, silly.
- Of course.
Tendi, come on. That's not me.
Ah! Damn.
It worked.
Dude, don't do that.
This is my body.
Who are you talking to?
Don't do this?
Aah! I'll kill you.
Rutherford, are you okay?
Let me take a look
at your implant.
Get away from me!
- I'm fine!
- Aah!
Ensign Tendi to sickbay.
I need an emergency
medical team on Deck 11.
Huh.
See more
where that came from, kid.
Just join the Indie
Archaeologists' Guild.
More like space thieves.
Hey, why don't you go
in that museum
and steal some artifacts?
I know you want to.
Oh, right.
Because everyone who doesn't
salute their boss
is a criminal?
You know, lady,
if you are really dedicated
to the pursuit of knowledge,
then you're kind of
limiting yourself
by not being
in Star fleet, actually.
Ooh, actually,
I was in Star fleet.
Petra Aberdeen...
Graduated Academy,
did a tour in the fleet
before wising up
and getting out.
Whoa.
You served on the Victory?
Well, you must have screwed up
pretty bad to end up here.
Sure, why leave
the big fancy ships,
just for a life of freedom
and nonviolence?
Star fleet isn't violent.
Well, tell that to the Romulans,
the Klingons, the Cardassians...
What? They attack us.
It's self-defense.
Oh, right, you guys totally
aren't a pseudo navy at all.
Aah!
Ah!
Oh, come on, come on, come on!
Tulgana IV has an ion field,
transporter won't get
a solid lock.
You know that, baby bear.
Unless you aren't you.
My nickname's "baby bear"?
That's stupid.
Aah!
Oh, here we are.
Captain's yacht.
- Now we're talking.
- You messed
with the wrong crew, buddy.
Oh, yeah? Then why am I
about to take off
with my own
warp-capable starship?
They'll never find me.
Unless someone buys them
some time.
Man, I'll kill you.
Don't touch that.
- Fine, I don't need to anyway.
- Wait. Really?
Sorry, baby bear.
Aah!
Dr. T'Ana, I need a medical team
to the captain's yacht now!
Huh.
According to my scans,
there's no anaphasic presence.
Ensign Rutherford
is still himself,
but his memory and personality
are from a decade ago.
It's almost like a backup
overwrote his brain.
I-I cleared the cache
on his implant.
Did I erase my best friend?
Oh, cerebral activity's high.
Something's going on in there.
We'll just have to wait and see
which Rutherford wakes up.
Wha...?
Oh, come on, man.
Yep, now we're both stuck
in a blank white void.
Just shut up, old man.
This is all your fault.
Wait.
You're a younger version of me.
No, you're the older,
cornier version of me.
And now we're both stuck
in the stupid mindscape.
Mind what?
It's a manifestation
of our brain. Look.
See? Try it out.
Whoa.
Damn, you're right.
This says we're
in my subconscious.
Yeah, dummy.
The brain can't handle having
two full copies
- of a person in here.
- So it partitioned us?
Until one emerges as the
dominant personality, yeah.
Well, that's me.
You're an imposter.
Oh, really?
Then why can I do this?
Wait.
I've been here before.
Oh.
What's this?
The Sampaguita,
fastest racer in the quadrant,
designed by yours truly.
This isn't a ship,
this is a seat strapped
to an impulse engine.
Yeah, baby. Pretty cool, right?
Hang on. If you're young me,
why don't
I remember building this?
Because you erased
your own memories, man.
And you did it to me with this.
My implant? No way.
It was just to help me
with engineering.
You sure about that?
What if someone asks
why he has it?
We programmed that in.
He'll think it was elective.
You tried to erase all
the memories that made us cool,
but it didn't work.
The brain is
more complicated than that
and it kept my cool ass
stored away.
So, blao, here I am, baby.
If that's true,
then how come you never tried
to take over before?
I did, dude.
Haven't you noticed this thing
is always bugging out?
Your programs turning
against you?
- Behavioral shifts?
- I did like pears for a minute.
I love pears. That was me
trying to get my body back.
Fine, so we're both us...
I mean me.
But if you take over,
won't I get erased?
Yeah. Only one of us
can walk out of here.
We have to choose.
And I choose me.
Later, loser.
Come on.
Get off me, man.
You're not going anywhere
until we figure this out.
What is this place anyway?
This is our garage, man.
We used to sneak off
from the Academy
to build our
sick racing ships here.
That's cool,
but why the sneaking?
Because of stupid Star fleet.
They never let us test
our own engines.
They wanted to make us wait
until we graduated
before we're even near
a warp core. So dumb.
Makes sense.
We could have gotten hurt
messing around with this stuff.
Oh, but we did more
than mess around.
We funded all this
by winning Devron races, baby.
Those go through
the neutral zone.
They're illegal.
Yeah, duh.
Man, you really bought into that
whole okey do key bull,
didn't you?
Yes.
We can't stay in here forever.
Shouldn't the best
engineer get to take control?
Yes. Great idea.
Let's take an engineering test.
No, man, tests are dumb.
How about something
a little more interesting?
A race. Both of us
build our own ships.
- Winner takes the brain.
- And the loser?
Gets erased.
Dude, come on. Keep up.
Aah!
I don't know how much longer
our body can stay in this coma,
so one of us has to take over.
Okay, I'm in.
Do you ever get
to touch mummies?
Constantly.
And you never have to go
back in time to save Earth.
That only happened, like,
four times. Five, tops.
Oh, great.
The Collector's Guild.
Well, look at this.
Word's getting around you little
ensigns can't leave the booth.
The only thing
you two collect is dust.
Oh, now, that was collectible.
Yeah, well, that was dumb
and you should hate yourself.
So there.
Okay, let's just calm down,
don't listen to them.
And... Oh, no, here come
the conspiracy truthers.
Hey, Star fleet, when are we
gonna hear the truth
about what happened to Sisko?
What? No, he's working hard
in a celestial temple.
Yeah, right.
How about when parasites crawled
into Star fleet admirals' butts
and took over their brains?
Want to come clean about that?
It's just a stupid conspiracy.
It never happened.
Actually, I think it did.
Really?
How do we know you two
don't got butt bugs?
Well, if we did, we'd have
to kill you for figuring it out.
Sure, if you could
leave the booth.
No, no, no, no.
Not the 'Gazer!
Oh, my God!
Hang on a second,
is this a Star fleet design?
Yeah. It's the Delta Flyer.
It's super fast and it's got
pop-out impulse thrusters.
Tom Paris designed
it on Voyager.
I mean, you could
have built literally
anything you could imagine.
You know that, right?
I've always wanted one of these.
It's got some Borg tech and...
Dude, it's a shuttle
with a paint job.
You could've made this.
Whoa-key do key!
Vulcan inverters, quad engines,
I mean, you might as well
just give me the body now.
Whatever.
The Delta Flyer'sawesome.
It even came with
a matching outfit for me.
You know, for a minute there
I thought maybe the years
you had on me might even us up,
but this is just sad.
Hang on.
Let me get my outfit on.
Whoa, hold on,
you're on the Cerritos.
Your captain bombed
the Pakleds, didn't she?
Oh! There were so many
good artifacts in that city.
What?
Those idiots bombed themselves!
Great diplomacy either way.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I'm not ing doing this.
I don't want to hear it
from you outpost scientists.
Well, I have a question
about joining Star fleet.
Oh. Uh, really?
Yeah, I love those uniforms.
If I join, do I get one?
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
I mean, our style isn't across
the whole fleet,
but they're in
the California-class...
God, I'm so sorry, I-I can't.
This guy actually thinks
the uniforms are cool.
They are cool.
Uh, then why are they
always changing?
Star fleet updates them.
There's always room
for improvement.
Like-like we get
this really cool flap.
Oh, please.
Why do you even need uniforms?
You are not in the military.
- I'd say they are.
- Oh, shut up!
Us outpost scientists
wear whatever we want.
Like this belt.
Can you wear a belt?
Ha.
They can wear jewelry.
Oops.
That was my rank pip!
Whoa, okay. Boims, calm down.
We can replicate you another
one. You don't have to...
Aah!
Without Star fleet
none of you would exist!
We don't want to protect you
from the Klingons and the Borg.
We just want to explore
and study ing quasars!
But you know what?
It's the right thing to do!
Dude, get back in the booth.
What if Ransom shows up?
Stupid ing truthers!
You hate the truth!
You're just a bunch
of pathetic gossipy weirdos!
Collecting is stupid!
It doesn't make you happy!
Your ships smell like ass!
Boimler, get back here.
You're always getting people
trapped inside of games.
Stop trapping people
inside of games!
Is that guy with you?
Yes, but, uh, that
behavior is not...
If being in Star fleet gives you
that kind of confidence,
then I want in.
He just told a Ferengi to.
Oh, yes.
Um, hey, do you like
engineering?
Uh, love it.
You guys do that kind of stuff?
Oh, absolutely. They got
a whole division for it.
The Doctor didn't spend seven
years in the Delta Quadrant
for you s
to question his agency.
He's got rights.
Man, this is gonna be too easy.
I've randomized the route
to give you a chance but,
fair warning,
- if you see any Romulans, run.
- They don't around.
That's Neutral Zone 101.
Oh, okay. Cool, cool.
So you know all about
the uncharted black holes,
rogue planets
and dangerous nebulas?
Rogue planets?
See you at the finish line, fam.
Or maybe I won't.
Ooh, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Punch it, baby, punch it.
Aah!
Told you that Star fleet
made you soft.
Oh.
Aah!
Aah!
Last man standing
takes all, bruh.
Reroute power to aft shields.
Let's put some space
between us and that cruiser.
Ha. What, are you
talking to yourself?
Nope. Talking to my crew.
I boosted shields to 130%,
Captain.
Charting a course
through that debris field.
- It should provide cover.
- We've got this.
Wait, hold up. Who is that?
We used our imagination
to make anything we wanted,
and I wasn't gonna race
without my friends.
Man, that ain't fair.
You said anything goes.
Aah!
All right, Mariner.
You better be in that booth
with a PADD full of names, or...
Great. Okay. So, yeah,
you filled it all out?
- Fantastic.
- Don't doubt me!
I failed the Kobayashi Maru
- 17 times, mother!
- Boimler?
What the hell is going on?
I think that guy's being
controlled by butt bugs.
Ah, off!
Aah!
His shields are down.
He's not gonna make it.
Tendi, now!
I got him.
Hey. You're okay, you're safe.
What are you doing?
Mariner, get us out of here.
Okey do key.
You won.
I guess Star fleet
taught you something after all.
No, no, no, don't, no,
don't say that.
Just hang in there, okay?
You're gon-you're gonna be okay.
We just need to...
engineer a solution.
I was always so angry,
at everything.
But you... all that rage is gone.
Well, can't we merge
and just be both of us,
all our memories combined?
Nah. Then we'd both be gone.
Sometimes it's better to grow.
I-I just remembered
how we got the implant.
Remember...
We thought we could do anything.
Damn it, no.
Come on, keep it together.
Aah!
This is going
to set us back years.
How much do you want to erase?
Everything that has
to do with me or the program.
That's a lot.
He'll come out with a totally
different personality.
I don't care.
What do we do if someone asks
why he has it?
We programmed that in.
He'll think it was elective.
My implant was a coverup?
I guess someone broke
even more rules than we did.
No. Just hang on.
We can transfer you into
a positronic brain or...
No, no. This is right.
Don't lose those friends.
Thanks for one last race.
Huh?
Take it slow, Ensign.
- You're gonna be all right.
- Rutherford?
Are... are you...
Yeah. I'm okey do key.
I meant what I said, Ensign.
You knowingly disobeyed
a direct order.
Are you gonna send me
to Star base 80?
Oh, God, no.
That place is a hellhole.
Coltar, when he drowned
in the swamp.
You're just gonna
spend a night in the brig.
Wow. I've never been
sent to the brig before.
I hope you don't think
less of me.
Honestly, hearing you
stand up for Star fleet
and give it
to those loudmouths...
- I was impressed.
- Really?
Oh, yeah. Let's grab a drink
when you're out.
I want to hear how
those outpost losers cried
when you
kicked over their table.
So there's someone out there
who blew you up?
Yeah, and whoever it was
must have been a higher-up
in Star fleet back
when I was a first-year,
but that doesn't
really narrow it down.
It could have been anybody.
Dang, I'm sorry
you're in the brig, Boims.
But thanks for keeping me
from losing my cool today.
I don't know how
you kept it together.
That archaeologist
was just so full of it.
Well, I guess for once
I have to do the mission log.
Aw, lucky.
That's my favorite part.
Of course it is.
But with Commander Ransom there,
the situation
de-escalated quickly.
Next time, recommend
the Star fleet booth
not be set up near
the following organizations:
The Collector's Guild...
Wow.
No, thank you.
Wait, don't hang up.
- You were right.
- About what?
I was only being
a pain in the ass
because I needed a distraction
so I could emancipate
this little guy
from that crooked museum.
Stolen from the Grand Nagus.
They're offering
quite the reward.
- Cool story. What do you want?
- I asked around about you.
And I get
that you love Star fleet,
but you really have
the potential for more.
So, you know, if you ever feel
like the bureaucracy
is holding you back,
give me a call.
Uh, yeah, right.
I think I'll be fine.
I know you will.
Hang in there, Star fleet.
Chirp.
No, no, it's overheating.
Come on. Keep it together!
Aah!
Sorry.
Captain's log, star date 58354.2.
TheCerritos is back
at Tulgana IV,
where we'll be updating
the Federation consulate's
power systems,
a straightforward job
which gives us extra time
to fill some of our
Star fleet quotas.
Ugh, the recruitment booth, no!
- Well, someone's got to do it.
- Uh, do they?
'Cause last time I checked,
nobody's ever signed up
for Star fleet
at the recruitment booth.
- I did.
- Shh, shh, you're not helping.
- Sorry.
- I know it's not super exciting,
but it's our assignment.
What are you gonna do?
Hmm, complain the whole time
and make it twice as miserable.
That is your specialty.
Ow.
You okay, Rutherford?
Man, you look wiped.
I haven't slept in a week.
I keep having
the same crazy nightmare.
Ooh, the one where you're
in a new timeline
with Kirk and Spock
where they have
cinematic chemistry?
- Ugh, I wish.
- Looks like you've got
some long-term memories
stuck in the buffer.
Probably useless stuff like when
you called the captain "Mom."
Want me to purge the cache?
Yes. Anything to help me sleep.
And done.
Why don't you go take a nap?
You'll wake up feeling
like a new man.
Thanks, Tendi.
Hope you're right.
There's a spot where we can set
up in the commuter's market.
I have a degree
in xenohistory, but sure,
put me on folding-table duty.
That's great.
Oh, I'm sorry, is the booth
not exciting enough for you?
Yeah, actually, it's the worst
and I'm really glad
you said something.
Can we get a different
assignment, please?
I don't care if you like it,
- that's not the point.
- No. The point is
to give us work
nobody cares about
so the captain can tick off
a meaningless box.
I care, and I'm gonna be
checking in today.
If you so much as step
one foot out of that booth,
I will transfer you
to Star base 80.
Star base 80?
Don't joke about that.
Star base 80 is the worst.
When I get down there,
you better be in the booth
with a PADD full
of contact info,
or you'll be at SB80
faster than you can
possibly imagine.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Okey do key,
time for some shut-eye.
Hmm.
Huh?
Ah, my head.
Did I even go out last night?
Wait, what's going on here?
Ugh, those are the ugliest
nacelles I've ever seen.
And who put
Engineering down there?
That's stupid.
Wait a minute, California-class?
How did I get here?
Ensign Samanthan Rutherford.
Transferred from Douglas Station
on star date 56329.4.
Okay, shut up, shut up.
What the hell is this?
Holy moly.
What the heck is happening here?
Hey, hey! Let me out of here.
Hey, you. Give me back
control of my body.
Nah, dude, this is my body.
You already effed it up.
- No, it's not.
- Whatever, man.
I don't take orders
from a reflection.
I'm not a reflection.
Help! I think an anaphasic alien
took over my body.
- You're an anaphasic alien.
- Nuh-uh, you are.
Hey, what is this thing
on my face?
It's my face.
Fine, fine, fine,
don't answer it.
- I don't need you.
- Hey, hey! Get back here!
Aw, man.
Star fleet, get your Star fleet.
We got new worlds,
they're strange,
and they need seeking out.
Wow, it's crazy to hear you,
like, actually trying.
Yeah, I have to.
Ransom's got it out for me.
I'm not taking any chances
with creepy-ass Star base 80.
Do you have to go to Star fleet
Academy to work on a ship?
Ah, thank you for asking.
No, not at all.
You can enlist as an NCO
and then go
to the Tech Services
Academy on Mars.
You could work
in a transporter bay.
How about that?
Really?
Do the transporter guys
ever get to sit on the bridge?
Um, I mean, yeah, I guess,
it could... it could happen.
Hey, pal.
You're signing up for seven
years in a windowless room.
Wait, really?
Don't listen to her, the ships
have, like, tons of windows.
It's, like, practically
a greenhouse, right?
Just not, like,
every single room.
- Meh.
- Ugh.
What the hell, lady?
I was about to close.
Aw, did I step on your
little sales pitch?
What are you even, some
kind of space archaeologist?
Independent space archaeologist.
That first part's important,
since you know,
I'm free to do whatever I want,
unlike some ensigns around here.
All right, fine. Whatever.
Uh, Star fleet.
Get your Star fleet.
Prepare yourself
for Warp 10 excitement.
Discover
the undiscovered country.
How often do you get
to collect dilithium?
Oh, all the time,
tons of crystals.
Hey, buddy.
- You want to be a Borg?
- What? No.
Star fleet crews get assimilated
all the time.
Hope you like being covered
in black rubber tubing.
- Aah!
- We do not!
Borg drone, Star fleet drone,
what's the diff?
The "diff" is I'm about to shove
one of those artifacts
- up your ass.
- Mariner, don't.
Just stay focused.
Graphenated corridor joists?
These Cali-class junkers
are such fire traps.
The Cerritosis a great ship.
Give me back my body.
Hey, there, pretty lady.
- Hey, Rutherford. What's up?
- No, no. Don't talk to her.
I mean, everything,
now that I ran into you.
Trill, huh?
Those spots go all the way down?
Excuse me?
Barnes, call the captain.
He's an alien or something.
Hey, Trill, uh, when is
the security shift change?
Why would I know?
Because you're in security?
We've been on four dates
and you don't even know
what division I'm in?
Well, damn. Maybe if you
weren't so boring,
I'd remember some of this stuff.
Uh!
Oh, okay. Walk away.
I got to figure out a way
to contact Tendi.
She'll know
how to get rid of you.
Wait, who's Tendi?
Uh, nobody. Never mind.
- Computer, locate Tendi.
- Computer, no!
Ensign Tendi
is currently located
in Repair Bay Five.
No, no, no, no. I-I don't know
what you're thinking,
but you stay away from her.
Hey, check out this pod plant
from Omicron Ceti III.
It blasts out
mind-control pollen.
Jeepers creepers.
That's swell.
I don't even talk like that.
She's gonna see right
through you, you goofy goof.
Oopsie doodle.
I can't remember when
the security shift change is.
- It's at 0900, silly.
- Of course.
Tendi, come on. That's not me.
Ah! Damn.
It worked.
Dude, don't do that.
This is my body.
Who are you talking to?
Don't do this?
Aah! I'll kill you.
Rutherford, are you okay?
Let me take a look
at your implant.
Get away from me!
- I'm fine!
- Aah!
Ensign Tendi to sickbay.
I need an emergency
medical team on Deck 11.
Huh.
See more
where that came from, kid.
Just join the Indie
Archaeologists' Guild.
More like space thieves.
Hey, why don't you go
in that museum
and steal some artifacts?
I know you want to.
Oh, right.
Because everyone who doesn't
salute their boss
is a criminal?
You know, lady,
if you are really dedicated
to the pursuit of knowledge,
then you're kind of
limiting yourself
by not being
in Star fleet, actually.
Ooh, actually,
I was in Star fleet.
Petra Aberdeen...
Graduated Academy,
did a tour in the fleet
before wising up
and getting out.
Whoa.
You served on the Victory?
Well, you must have screwed up
pretty bad to end up here.
Sure, why leave
the big fancy ships,
just for a life of freedom
and nonviolence?
Star fleet isn't violent.
Well, tell that to the Romulans,
the Klingons, the Cardassians...
What? They attack us.
It's self-defense.
Oh, right, you guys totally
aren't a pseudo navy at all.
Aah!
Ah!
Oh, come on, come on, come on!
Tulgana IV has an ion field,
transporter won't get
a solid lock.
You know that, baby bear.
Unless you aren't you.
My nickname's "baby bear"?
That's stupid.
Aah!
Oh, here we are.
Captain's yacht.
- Now we're talking.
- You messed
with the wrong crew, buddy.
Oh, yeah? Then why am I
about to take off
with my own
warp-capable starship?
They'll never find me.
Unless someone buys them
some time.
Man, I'll kill you.
Don't touch that.
- Fine, I don't need to anyway.
- Wait. Really?
Sorry, baby bear.
Aah!
Dr. T'Ana, I need a medical team
to the captain's yacht now!
Huh.
According to my scans,
there's no anaphasic presence.
Ensign Rutherford
is still himself,
but his memory and personality
are from a decade ago.
It's almost like a backup
overwrote his brain.
I-I cleared the cache
on his implant.
Did I erase my best friend?
Oh, cerebral activity's high.
Something's going on in there.
We'll just have to wait and see
which Rutherford wakes up.
Wha...?
Oh, come on, man.
Yep, now we're both stuck
in a blank white void.
Just shut up, old man.
This is all your fault.
Wait.
You're a younger version of me.
No, you're the older,
cornier version of me.
And now we're both stuck
in the stupid mindscape.
Mind what?
It's a manifestation
of our brain. Look.
See? Try it out.
Whoa.
Damn, you're right.
This says we're
in my subconscious.
Yeah, dummy.
The brain can't handle having
two full copies
- of a person in here.
- So it partitioned us?
Until one emerges as the
dominant personality, yeah.
Well, that's me.
You're an imposter.
Oh, really?
Then why can I do this?
Wait.
I've been here before.
Oh.
What's this?
The Sampaguita,
fastest racer in the quadrant,
designed by yours truly.
This isn't a ship,
this is a seat strapped
to an impulse engine.
Yeah, baby. Pretty cool, right?
Hang on. If you're young me,
why don't
I remember building this?
Because you erased
your own memories, man.
And you did it to me with this.
My implant? No way.
It was just to help me
with engineering.
You sure about that?
What if someone asks
why he has it?
We programmed that in.
He'll think it was elective.
You tried to erase all
the memories that made us cool,
but it didn't work.
The brain is
more complicated than that
and it kept my cool ass
stored away.
So, blao, here I am, baby.
If that's true,
then how come you never tried
to take over before?
I did, dude.
Haven't you noticed this thing
is always bugging out?
Your programs turning
against you?
- Behavioral shifts?
- I did like pears for a minute.
I love pears. That was me
trying to get my body back.
Fine, so we're both us...
I mean me.
But if you take over,
won't I get erased?
Yeah. Only one of us
can walk out of here.
We have to choose.
And I choose me.
Later, loser.
Come on.
Get off me, man.
You're not going anywhere
until we figure this out.
What is this place anyway?
This is our garage, man.
We used to sneak off
from the Academy
to build our
sick racing ships here.
That's cool,
but why the sneaking?
Because of stupid Star fleet.
They never let us test
our own engines.
They wanted to make us wait
until we graduated
before we're even near
a warp core. So dumb.
Makes sense.
We could have gotten hurt
messing around with this stuff.
Oh, but we did more
than mess around.
We funded all this
by winning Devron races, baby.
Those go through
the neutral zone.
They're illegal.
Yeah, duh.
Man, you really bought into that
whole okey do key bull,
didn't you?
Yes.
We can't stay in here forever.
Shouldn't the best
engineer get to take control?
Yes. Great idea.
Let's take an engineering test.
No, man, tests are dumb.
How about something
a little more interesting?
A race. Both of us
build our own ships.
- Winner takes the brain.
- And the loser?
Gets erased.
Dude, come on. Keep up.
Aah!
I don't know how much longer
our body can stay in this coma,
so one of us has to take over.
Okay, I'm in.
Do you ever get
to touch mummies?
Constantly.
And you never have to go
back in time to save Earth.
That only happened, like,
four times. Five, tops.
Oh, great.
The Collector's Guild.
Well, look at this.
Word's getting around you little
ensigns can't leave the booth.
The only thing
you two collect is dust.
Oh, now, that was collectible.
Yeah, well, that was dumb
and you should hate yourself.
So there.
Okay, let's just calm down,
don't listen to them.
And... Oh, no, here come
the conspiracy truthers.
Hey, Star fleet, when are we
gonna hear the truth
about what happened to Sisko?
What? No, he's working hard
in a celestial temple.
Yeah, right.
How about when parasites crawled
into Star fleet admirals' butts
and took over their brains?
Want to come clean about that?
It's just a stupid conspiracy.
It never happened.
Actually, I think it did.
Really?
How do we know you two
don't got butt bugs?
Well, if we did, we'd have
to kill you for figuring it out.
Sure, if you could
leave the booth.
No, no, no, no.
Not the 'Gazer!
Oh, my God!
Hang on a second,
is this a Star fleet design?
Yeah. It's the Delta Flyer.
It's super fast and it's got
pop-out impulse thrusters.
Tom Paris designed
it on Voyager.
I mean, you could
have built literally
anything you could imagine.
You know that, right?
I've always wanted one of these.
It's got some Borg tech and...
Dude, it's a shuttle
with a paint job.
You could've made this.
Whoa-key do key!
Vulcan inverters, quad engines,
I mean, you might as well
just give me the body now.
Whatever.
The Delta Flyer'sawesome.
It even came with
a matching outfit for me.
You know, for a minute there
I thought maybe the years
you had on me might even us up,
but this is just sad.
Hang on.
Let me get my outfit on.
Whoa, hold on,
you're on the Cerritos.
Your captain bombed
the Pakleds, didn't she?
Oh! There were so many
good artifacts in that city.
What?
Those idiots bombed themselves!
Great diplomacy either way.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
I'm not ing doing this.
I don't want to hear it
from you outpost scientists.
Well, I have a question
about joining Star fleet.
Oh. Uh, really?
Yeah, I love those uniforms.
If I join, do I get one?
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
I mean, our style isn't across
the whole fleet,
but they're in
the California-class...
God, I'm so sorry, I-I can't.
This guy actually thinks
the uniforms are cool.
They are cool.
Uh, then why are they
always changing?
Star fleet updates them.
There's always room
for improvement.
Like-like we get
this really cool flap.
Oh, please.
Why do you even need uniforms?
You are not in the military.
- I'd say they are.
- Oh, shut up!
Us outpost scientists
wear whatever we want.
Like this belt.
Can you wear a belt?
Ha.
They can wear jewelry.
Oops.
That was my rank pip!
Whoa, okay. Boims, calm down.
We can replicate you another
one. You don't have to...
Aah!
Without Star fleet
none of you would exist!
We don't want to protect you
from the Klingons and the Borg.
We just want to explore
and study ing quasars!
But you know what?
It's the right thing to do!
Dude, get back in the booth.
What if Ransom shows up?
Stupid ing truthers!
You hate the truth!
You're just a bunch
of pathetic gossipy weirdos!
Collecting is stupid!
It doesn't make you happy!
Your ships smell like ass!
Boimler, get back here.
You're always getting people
trapped inside of games.
Stop trapping people
inside of games!
Is that guy with you?
Yes, but, uh, that
behavior is not...
If being in Star fleet gives you
that kind of confidence,
then I want in.
He just told a Ferengi to.
Oh, yes.
Um, hey, do you like
engineering?
Uh, love it.
You guys do that kind of stuff?
Oh, absolutely. They got
a whole division for it.
The Doctor didn't spend seven
years in the Delta Quadrant
for you s
to question his agency.
He's got rights.
Man, this is gonna be too easy.
I've randomized the route
to give you a chance but,
fair warning,
- if you see any Romulans, run.
- They don't around.
That's Neutral Zone 101.
Oh, okay. Cool, cool.
So you know all about
the uncharted black holes,
rogue planets
and dangerous nebulas?
Rogue planets?
See you at the finish line, fam.
Or maybe I won't.
Ooh, baby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go.
Yeah!
Punch it, baby, punch it.
Aah!
Told you that Star fleet
made you soft.
Oh.
Aah!
Aah!
Last man standing
takes all, bruh.
Reroute power to aft shields.
Let's put some space
between us and that cruiser.
Ha. What, are you
talking to yourself?
Nope. Talking to my crew.
I boosted shields to 130%,
Captain.
Charting a course
through that debris field.
- It should provide cover.
- We've got this.
Wait, hold up. Who is that?
We used our imagination
to make anything we wanted,
and I wasn't gonna race
without my friends.
Man, that ain't fair.
You said anything goes.
Aah!
All right, Mariner.
You better be in that booth
with a PADD full of names, or...
Great. Okay. So, yeah,
you filled it all out?
- Fantastic.
- Don't doubt me!
I failed the Kobayashi Maru
- 17 times, mother!
- Boimler?
What the hell is going on?
I think that guy's being
controlled by butt bugs.
Ah, off!
Aah!
His shields are down.
He's not gonna make it.
Tendi, now!
I got him.
Hey. You're okay, you're safe.
What are you doing?
Mariner, get us out of here.
Okey do key.
You won.
I guess Star fleet
taught you something after all.
No, no, no, don't, no,
don't say that.
Just hang in there, okay?
You're gon-you're gonna be okay.
We just need to...
engineer a solution.
I was always so angry,
at everything.
But you... all that rage is gone.
Well, can't we merge
and just be both of us,
all our memories combined?
Nah. Then we'd both be gone.
Sometimes it's better to grow.
I-I just remembered
how we got the implant.
Remember...
We thought we could do anything.
Damn it, no.
Come on, keep it together.
Aah!
This is going
to set us back years.
How much do you want to erase?
Everything that has
to do with me or the program.
That's a lot.
He'll come out with a totally
different personality.
I don't care.
What do we do if someone asks
why he has it?
We programmed that in.
He'll think it was elective.
My implant was a coverup?
I guess someone broke
even more rules than we did.
No. Just hang on.
We can transfer you into
a positronic brain or...
No, no. This is right.
Don't lose those friends.
Thanks for one last race.
Huh?
Take it slow, Ensign.
- You're gonna be all right.
- Rutherford?
Are... are you...
Yeah. I'm okey do key.
I meant what I said, Ensign.
You knowingly disobeyed
a direct order.
Are you gonna send me
to Star base 80?
Oh, God, no.
That place is a hellhole.
Coltar, when he drowned
in the swamp.
You're just gonna
spend a night in the brig.
Wow. I've never been
sent to the brig before.
I hope you don't think
less of me.
Honestly, hearing you
stand up for Star fleet
and give it
to those loudmouths...
- I was impressed.
- Really?
Oh, yeah. Let's grab a drink
when you're out.
I want to hear how
those outpost losers cried
when you
kicked over their table.
So there's someone out there
who blew you up?
Yeah, and whoever it was
must have been a higher-up
in Star fleet back
when I was a first-year,
but that doesn't
really narrow it down.
It could have been anybody.
Dang, I'm sorry
you're in the brig, Boims.
But thanks for keeping me
from losing my cool today.
I don't know how
you kept it together.
That archaeologist
was just so full of it.
Well, I guess for once
I have to do the mission log.
Aw, lucky.
That's my favorite part.
Of course it is.
But with Commander Ransom there,
the situation
de-escalated quickly.
Next time, recommend
the Star fleet booth
not be set up near
the following organizations:
The Collector's Guild...
Wow.
No, thank you.
Wait, don't hang up.
- You were right.
- About what?
I was only being
a pain in the ass
because I needed a distraction
so I could emancipate
this little guy
from that crooked museum.
Stolen from the Grand Nagus.
They're offering
quite the reward.
- Cool story. What do you want?
- I asked around about you.
And I get
that you love Star fleet,
but you really have
the potential for more.
So, you know, if you ever feel
like the bureaucracy
is holding you back,
give me a call.
Uh, yeah, right.
I think I'll be fine.
I know you will.
Hang in there, Star fleet.
Chirp.