Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript
Captain's log,
star date 58456.2.
TheCerritos is providing
support to the Vancouver.
Captain Nguyen will be reopening
postwar trade negotiations
with the Karemma,
a mercantile species
from the Gamma Quadrant,
while I will be overseeing
a delivery
of goodwill gifts
from the Alpha Quadrant,
which will hopefully
sweeten the deal.
Captain, we have
an incoming communication
from Star fleet Command.
It's Admiral Buenamigo.
- On-screen.
- Captain Freeman.
Quite the payload
you've got us hauling.
Are you trying to inebriate
half the Gamma Quadrant?
Anything to open up
communications.
Speaking of which,
there's been a change of plans.
Don't tell me we need to pick up
more Andorian kegs.
No.
TheCerritos will be proceeding
to the rendezvous, but you will
be negotiating with the Karemma.
I'm sorry, what?
But Captain Nguyen...
TheVancouver's been rerouted
to the Hasparga system
to evacuate a colony being
threatened by a brown hole.
W-Wait.
That-That's not even a thing...
Carol, this is our best chance
to heal scars
from the Dominion War.
You have to make it work.
Buenamigo out.
This is crazy.
Anyone else would have months
to prepare
- for this level of diplomacy.
- Captain Freeman,
we're approaching
the rendezvous point.
Bring us out of warp.
Tacky Cardassian
fascist eyesore.
Helm, just buy me some time
to read up on the Karemma.
U-Uh, sir, h-how do we do that?
Uh, I don't know.
Just circle around
and pretend
we're in awe of the pylons.
Yes, sir.
- Um...
- Just keep circling.
Aah! I can't believe
we're at Deep Space Nine!
I want to walk the Promenade.
Ooh, check out the stores.
Oh, oh!
I bet they have a Quark's.
Ho-ho, Tendi,
not just any Quark's...
The original Quark's!
You're excited
for a franchise restaurant?
You guys are such tourists.
We just got to move
a couple crates
onto this Karemma ship,
and the rest of the day is ours!
Y'all have fun with that. I'm
staying right here and relaxing.
So does that mean
you're free today?
Oh, uh, hey. Thought-thought
you were still asleep.
Hi, Jennifer!
Hey, guys.
So, I'm hanging
with my friends today,
and I've been dying
for you to get to know them.
Oh! Yeah, you know,
um, so I should...
I'm gonna go give them a tour
of DS9,
because... without
me, they'll probably get lost
and end up in a mirror universe
with Smiley...
- Oh, no, we won't.
- Yeah, we have maps!
Mariner, you were just saying
how you much you hate
this station.
Why don't you stay here,
have some fun with Jennifer?
Castro's hosting a salon today.
You're gonna love it. Mwah.
Ooh, meeting the friends.
That's big.
Oh, what if they're uptight
and judgy?
I'm already not liking that they
call their hangouts "salons."
Like, what are you, Hemingway?
Well, Jennifer's going to care
if you can get along with them.
- Oh, do you think?
- You'll be fine.
Just don't be all bossy
like you are with us.
I'm not bossy!
Okay, that was a good one, boss.
- Oh, wow!
- Whoa!
The Promenade!
Ooh, it's even more Cardassian
than I imagined.
- Guys, this is awesome.
- Wow.
Captain Freeman,
welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Thank you, Colonel Kira.
I trust you were informed
that the Vancouver
will no longer be joining us?
Well, it's not Star fleet Command
unless they throw us
a few curve balls.
You got that right.
Well, this is my first officer,
Commander Jack Ransom,
and my security chief...
Oh, I know
this scarred-up old bar row bug.
- How are you, Shaxs?
- Any day not living
under Cardassian rule
is a good one.
We were in the Resistance
together.
He saved my life during a raid
on the Haru outposts.
I still owe you for that one.
No, you don't.
She saved my life when
we were ambushed at Vannakur.
Yeah, because I owed you
for pulling me out of that
plasma storm in the Badlands.
I'm sure
it was all very rebellious.
We wouldn't have even made it
to the Badlands
if you hadn't sprung me
from that prison transport!
You sprang me from one
the week before!
That one didn't count!
We were both locked up! Come on!
Oh, these trade talks
are a waste of time.
I don't know how these Alpha
savages managed to win the war.
Neither do I.
But if there's even a chance
at making a profit,
I'll hear them out.
And if diplomacy fails,
we always have the other option.
Uh, hey, can you sign my PADD?
Of course!
I love my fans.
For a small price, plus bar tax
and processing fees.
Quark. Sorry to interrupt.
This is Captain Freeman
of the Cerritos.
She and her crew are here
on important Star fleet duty.
Ah, you look radiant, Captain!
Uh... pass.
I love Star fleet.
I do a lot of business
in Federation space.
Quark is
our resident entrepreneur.
I did expand my simple bar
into 21 franchises
across the Alpha Quadrant.
And somehow
- I remain humble.
- What are
you talking about? Can't people
just replicate drinks?
None of your outdated
Star fleet replicators
can make what I have to offer.
My unique design gives our
refreshments that special zing.
I've been crafting them
for years.
So, Captain,
do you think there's room
at Star fleet Academy
for a Quark's?
Um... no.
Not to worry. We'll set you up
with a Quark's Express.
I gave one to the Bolians.
They love it.
Whoa!
- The original Quark's! Oh, man.
- Ooh, ooh,
let's get some seats at the bar.
Oh, my stars. They've got dabo.
- I-I thought it was illegal.
- Dabo!
Boimler, it's probably rigged.
Ho-ho-ho, cheating?
At a Quark's?
You can't rig a game here.
Besides, I'm Bold Boimler,
and fortune favors the bold!
Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Uh...
Ho-ho-ho! A fellow Orion!
- Greetings.
- Hey, look at that!
- That's awesome!
- Oh, wow, hi.
I'm Tendi.
This is my friend Rutherford.
I'm Mesk. I got to tell you,
I never run into
other Orions in Star fleet.
Me neither. I guess
there's just not a lot of us.
Tendi. T-Tendi.
Is your family
from the Northern Hemisphere?
Evtan Rim, right?
Uh, they-they
kind of moved around a lot.
So...
Deep Space Nine...
It's got to be so cool serving
right next to the wormhole, huh?
Oh, yeah. We get
some pretty shady characters
coming through here.
Our kind of people, am I right?
Oh, yeah. No, totally.
- Shady.
- Yeah.
Uh, Rutherford, do you want
to get food with our drinks
so that we...
Oh, cool. Awesome.
Hey, check this out...
My Orion multi-key.
I got a religious exemption
to wear it with my uniform.
Suckers.
Whoa! What is it?
Uh, it's a traditional tool
used by Orion pirates.
Aw, it's good for everything...
From stabbing guys
to picking locks
to stealing ships...
Oh, wow! Yeah,
all positive things.
Say, I just got off duty.
You guys want the grand tour?
- Oh, I think we're...
- Definitely!
Let's go around this circle!
All right! Come with me!
This is great.
Couple of Orions up to no good,
just skulking around.
Lock up your valuables,
am I right?
Ha. Yeah.
Totally.
All right. Here we go.
- Ooh! Look who's here!
- Mariner!
Hey, girl!
Hey! What's... up?
Finally we get to meet
the mysterious Lady Mariner.
I don't even mind
you're so late.
Wow, looking profesh
in the uniform.
I-I didn't get the memo
that, uh,
this was like
a sweats kind of party.
Not a party... a salon.
And we always set the wardrobe
as Betazoid casual.
Jenny didn't tell you?
They call you Jenny?
Ugh, I hate it.
It goes back to our time
at the Academy.
Okay, everyone, grab a wick.
These candles
aren't going to dip themselves.
Candle-making.
Very cool.
And this is obvious,
but don't forget
to set an intention
when you light it
or you're just gonna be wasting
the wax.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Um, I'm just gonna make
a quick, uh, pit stop
before I dive into the dipping.
Hey, girl, can we talk Boimler?
Oh, I know what
you're gonna ask,
and, no, he's
actually not reverse-aging.
He just doesn't get
enough vitamins.
- Is he single?
- What?
Purple hair is so sexy.
Yeah, I'm gonna just need
a little more of this.
Oh. Oh. Ooh.
Trade Minister Korzak,
this is Captain Freeman of...
I was told I would be meeting
with Captain Nguyen!
How are we supposed
to negotiate a trade agreement
when you can't even honor
an appointment?!
I won't have it!
Understandable but unfortunate,
because we did bring
some rather fine gifts.
I don't...
Gifts, you say?
Well, we're already here.
We may as well proceed.
Excellent.
The commerce opportunities
are endless
on this side of the wormhole.
- I think you'll find...
- I owe you
for taking a phaser shot for me
- on the Da'Karo mission.
- What?
You took one for meat Da'Karo.
No, I mean Da'Karo Prime...
The one with the little trees!
I don't remember that. No way.
Nerys!
Whoa, that's
Chief O'Brien's dartboard!
Look at that!
Bajoran food court!
Ho-ho!
Oh, I should tone it down.
Hey, so,
does your family approve
of you being in Star fleet?
You know, they had
some thoughts, but, uh,
- for the most part...
- Pfft! Orion values.
My folks definitely wanted me to
take over the family business,
and I was like,
"No, thanks, Mom!"
Wait, you mean, like,
the pirate business?
Hey, you said it, not me.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Wait right here!
I got to dangle
my legs off the second story
like in the holovids!
So, real talk...
What's the first ship
you ever stole, ma?
Um, actually,
I don't do that stuff.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
Me neither.
Look, not every Orion does
the pirate criminal thing, okay?
Whoa! Easy! I'm starting to feel
some of those aggressive
female pheromones firing off.
- We don't all have those!
- Tendi!
Look at me! Tendi!
Cerritos crew, I need a detail
to transfer gift pallets over to
- the Karemma ship.
- Are you looking? Look at me!
I'll do it, Captain. Oh, gosh.
- Captain needs us on duty ASAP.
- Tendi! Tendi! Tendi!
Oh, what a shame.
Rutherford, let's go!
But I wanted to have
a heart-to-heart
with a junior reporter up here!
- Now!
- Aw, man.
Dabo!
And the streak continues.
It looks like we've got a bit
of beginner's luck on our hands.
Surprising for a man
with a coin purse.
It's a clutch.
And it's feeling a little light.
Let it ride!
Man, it must have been so cool
for you to hang out
with another Orion.
Yeah, sure. But, actually, I'd
rather just be working with you.
- Oh!
- Hey-oh!
Guess who got themselves
reassigned! I'm doing security
for you guys
for the rest of the day.
How lucky are you?
Mesk!
That's great!
Oh, wow. That's... that's news.
Hey! This calls for
a little pirate shanty!
Tendi, sing along!
I know you know it!
It was a dark and stormy
57162.3.
A star date just like this.
Castro really nailed
the theme tonight, didn't she?
And what is the theme?
Uh, pillows?
"Personal Battlefields."
Oh, great,
'cause this one is mine.
...that really I wasn't
in the Enterprise,
the Enterprise
was in me all along.
Oh, my gosh,
you guys, thank you.
- Ugh, yes. Speak the truth.
- Yeah.
- Speak it, honey. Speak.
- So good.
And now, please welcome
a new voice, Mariner.
Me? Oh, no, uh, I mean,
I didn't prepare anything.
That's okay,
just speak your truth.
Yeah, I'd rather just listen
to y'all's truths.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
The intention I'm detecting
is that you're kind of
disrespecting my salon.
Oh, no, I don't want to
disrespect anything, um, I...
Jenny was right,
you do love being contrary.
- Anya, you want to go next?
- Oh, yeah.
Of course. I call this piece
"The Kobayashi Maroon."
There's no right way
to dance it.
As you can see,
species from all over
the quadrant are participating
in a robust exchange
of goods and services
right here on Deep Space Nine.
A tailor and some
tchotchke kiosks?
This is hardly worth my time.
Well, what about Quark's?
He started
his bar here and now has
locations on dozens of planets.
Franchises, you say?
Yes, and with massive profits.
Nobody can tell you better
than the Ferengi himself.
- Get away from me.
- Quark.
I was so impressed with
your entrepreneurial story.
I believe our friends
from the Gamma Quadrant
would love to hear all about it.
Uh, I'm too busy.
Quark, you've had such success,
Korzak could open up even more
- franchise locations in his...
- Pass.
I don't want
to over saturate the market.
Do us a favor here, Quark,
we're trying to make
a good impression.
Maybe I don't want
to make a good impression.
Oh? And why is that?
A little thing called
the Dominion War?
I don't remember
the Karemma helping out
when my customers were dying!
We had nothing to do with that.
The Founders and the Vorta
were behind...
Oh, right, you were so innocent.
I've done business
with your kind before.
I'm not dumb enough
to repeat that mistake.
You bring me here to be insulted
by this long-lobed halfling?
- Hey! No. No!
- Ugh, the nerve.
Feels weird being "let in"
instead of breaking in,
you know?
If I don't pick a lock,
I get all jittery. I'm all,
"How did I get in here?"
I know you feel me.
Seriously, Tends,
I bet the two of us
could take this ship if we
wanted to. You know?
Would you just shut up?!
You keep acting like pirating
is cool, but guess what.
It's not. It's embarrassing,
a-and sometimes it makes me
not want to be associated
- with Orions at all.
- Wow.
Someone got all "human'ed up"
at the Academy.
At least I'll remember
where we came from.
Dabo!
Oh, he does it again!
Hey, man, get off me.
What are you doing?
You're cheating, human.
- Tell me your secret.
- I'm not cheating.
I'm just the Dabo king.
In fact, triple
down Dabo.
What is wrong with you?
- I have principles.
- No, you don't.
Quark, Korzak, please calm down.
I will not stand
for this disrespect.
I know, I know. Sometimes Quark
can come across a little...
insufferable.
But his business acumen?
Oh, it speaks for itself.
He's got this amazing
replicator, the Quark 2000.
You know,
I've never seen anything
- like it.
- This is the Quark 2000?
Hey, get away from that!
That's my intellectual property.
Quark, be reasonable.
That's it. Everyone,
out of the bar. We're closed.
Are you kidding? Minister.
That replicator contains
trade secrets.
Kira, they're
trying to rip me off.
How dare you?
Korzak.
Alpha contingency, now.
Ow, hot wax!
Get off of me. Help!
Kira to ops.
That thing must have triggered
some kind of system shutdown.
You might have sold them
on his franchise
a little too well, Captain.
Ugh, how did we get
from failed trade talks
to a kidnapping?
- Dabo!
- No!
- Hey, Mesk, what are you doing?
- Oh, this? It's nothing.
Just a little pirate code
for future Orions
to let them know
D'Vana Tendi is a traitor!
I'm not a traitor. I just,
I don't feel the need to...
Help! Help!
Is that-is that Quark?
This is all a misunderstanding.
Oh, you say?
Release docking and set a course
for the wormhole.
I can't get the Cerritos.
We're trapped!
Um, why did we just lose power?
I bet it has something to do
with the wormhole.
Ooh, yeah. It's always something
with the wormhole.
Let's get to our stations.
The manual latch is fused.
Excuse me,
is anybody... is anyone else
- finding it hard to breathe?
- Come on,
we've been in here two seconds.
It's totally fine.
It's...
- Wait, it is a little stuffy.
- I need air!
Everybody, just keep calm, okay?
- What is going on?
- Oh, my God!
Ah, the Impulian candles.
The flames eat twice the oxygen.
Wait, wait, wait,
our intentions.
Everybody, okay,
let's calm down, all right?
If I could have
your attention, please.
Ladies.
Why are you being so polite?
This doesn't sound like you.
Because I've been trying
this whole time
not to be bossy or mean
to your friends.
- Why?
- Because if they didn't like me,
you'd get mad
and this wouldn't work out.
Beckett, I like that you
don't take from anyone.
- Really?
- Yes.
I know my friends
can be a bit much.
I've been looking forward to you
tearing them a new one.
Go destroy them.
Thanks, babe.
Everyone, shut the up!
Ugh. You can't tell us
what to do. This is my salon.
And this is my phaser.
Hey, did you know that,
when you're unconscious,
you actually consume
way less oxygen?
So? What does that
have to do...
- Oh, my God, she stunned her.
- What are you doing?
- Just actualizing my dreams.
- No!
Oh, man, we're almost
to the wormhole!
Mesk.
Mesk, you can save us!
- Um, I'm sorry, what?
- With all your pirating skills.
You can take the ship
Orion-style.
Right, totally.
Um, the, uh, thing with that is,
um... I, uh...
I don't know how.
I've never
pirated anything
in my whole stupid life.
- What? It's all you talk about!
- I'm a faker.
I don't know. I've, I've
never even been to Orion.
I-I'm from Cincinnati.
- What? Cincinnati?
- Are you freaking serious?
I got adopted by humans,
and everything
I know about Orions
I learned from the holonovels.
Bad ones, too. The ones
with the boobs on the cover.
Why would you lie?
Well, people just expect Orions
to act like that,
so it's always worked for me.
I never knew any other Orions
back in Ohio, so no one
ever checked me on it.
Yeah, I-I get that.
It's hard when you feel like
people expect you to act
a certain way, but you just
got to be yourself.
It doesn't matter
what other people expect.
I'm sorry that I put
all that on you, too.
Thanks, and I'm sure
the real Mesk is great, too.
The Ohio Mesk.
Ugh, I just feel bad
'cause actual
Orion pirating skills really
would come in handy right now.
Yup, you're right about that.
Whoa.
What the...?
Listen, if there's one thing
my father taught me,
it's that every ship
has a security fail-safe.
Your family's Orion pirates?
Yup, Syndicate and all.
You there, stop.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
That thing has a tooth remover?
Shh, I'm pirating. Let's go!
Whoa, you just did that
with a wine opener!
Oh, no!
Wormhole!
You stopped us? How?
I used the latinum
from the guy's tooth
to magnetically decouple
the propulsion controls.
You took the ship...
You took the ship!
Ugh, my folks would be so proud,
but this is only
a temporary fix.
In a couple of hours,
the Karemma are gonna
figure out what I did,
and when they do... Whoa!
We're in a tractor beam.
We're saved.
We got 'em.
Good work, people.
Wonder why they
just stopped and waited.
I mean, they were
as good as Gamma'd.
Beam 'em to the brig first,
ask questions later.
Well, I definitely didn't have
"phaser all your friends"
on my bingo card.
And that's what I like
about us...
You keep things unexpected.
Though, you know, us being
the only ones not stunned here?
Kind of a bad look.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I see that.
Welp, shall we?
Mwah.
Let me out of here. This
imprisonment will not stand.
You kidnapped
an innocent Ferengi.
If I can quickly interject,
this is just
a big misunderstanding,
and I'm sure we can work out
some sort of resolution.
A resolution for what?
You stole our technology.
- Your technology?
- The Quark 2000.
He stole it from us.
It's filled
with Karemma components.
So, you didn't kidnap him?
No. We arrested him.
I may have borrowed
a Karemma replicator
some years ago,
but it was my codes
that made it so popular.
Oh, that's beside the point.
I think I have a solution
that will make you both happy.
Captain's log, supplemental.
Our mission, though unexpected,
has been a resounding success.
The Karemma have agreed
to open up trade
and not imprison Quark
in exchange for 76%
of all his franchises' profits.
Yes, yes, it's on him.
Th-Th-That table wants more
top-shelf Tamarian mead,
a-and they're insisting
that it's on the house.
Just bring them what they want.
I thought you said your plan
would make us both happy.
Well, you're happier being poor
than in prison, aren't you?
No!
Sorry, I didn't
win over your friends.
Please, even better,
now they're scared of you.
Shh, shh.
She's looking, she's looking,
don't look.
One Risa Colada
and a Mind Meld. Mariner.
You'd better have a stack
of latinum down there.
Uh, nope. But I do have a copy
of that hologram
with your head on Kira's body.
Impossible.
I erased that.
How about we clear my tab?
Unless you're not afraid
of Kira seeing this.
Mariner.
I was wondering
when you'd show up.
Are you guys
telling war stories?
I was just clearing her tab,
for old time's sake.
What is on that chip?
- No!
- No, give that to me,
give it to me.
Quark.
- Dabo!
- Listen, you could
walk out of here
with all that latinum,
that germy, dirty latinum, or...
a gift certificate for twice its
value at our Quark's gift store.
Quark's bucks.
I'll take it.
We don't even use
money in Star fleet anyway.
What?
Oh, it was good to see you
today, old-timer.
Yes. The prophets smiled
on both of us.
Thanks for having my back
when the klisht hit the fan.
- Just doing my job.
- Now I do owe you one.
Wait, what? No.
No, no, no. Hey, come on.
Gotcha.
But then the way you, like,
dance-flip-konked that guard,
I was like, damn!
I didn't know
Tendi could do that.
Well, so you're not embarrassed
to be friends with someone
whose family was into pirating?
No way.
It's a part of who you are.
I like hearing about it.
Thanks, Rutherford. From now on,
I'm going to embrace my past
and what comes with it.
Uh, what are you gonna do
with the tooth?
I don't know, i-it's actually
kind of gross, isn't it?
I'll take that.
Rule of Acquisition number nine.
Opportunity plus instinct
equals profit.
Chirp.
star date 58456.2.
TheCerritos is providing
support to the Vancouver.
Captain Nguyen will be reopening
postwar trade negotiations
with the Karemma,
a mercantile species
from the Gamma Quadrant,
while I will be overseeing
a delivery
of goodwill gifts
from the Alpha Quadrant,
which will hopefully
sweeten the deal.
Captain, we have
an incoming communication
from Star fleet Command.
It's Admiral Buenamigo.
- On-screen.
- Captain Freeman.
Quite the payload
you've got us hauling.
Are you trying to inebriate
half the Gamma Quadrant?
Anything to open up
communications.
Speaking of which,
there's been a change of plans.
Don't tell me we need to pick up
more Andorian kegs.
No.
TheCerritos will be proceeding
to the rendezvous, but you will
be negotiating with the Karemma.
I'm sorry, what?
But Captain Nguyen...
TheVancouver's been rerouted
to the Hasparga system
to evacuate a colony being
threatened by a brown hole.
W-Wait.
That-That's not even a thing...
Carol, this is our best chance
to heal scars
from the Dominion War.
You have to make it work.
Buenamigo out.
This is crazy.
Anyone else would have months
to prepare
- for this level of diplomacy.
- Captain Freeman,
we're approaching
the rendezvous point.
Bring us out of warp.
Tacky Cardassian
fascist eyesore.
Helm, just buy me some time
to read up on the Karemma.
U-Uh, sir, h-how do we do that?
Uh, I don't know.
Just circle around
and pretend
we're in awe of the pylons.
Yes, sir.
- Um...
- Just keep circling.
Aah! I can't believe
we're at Deep Space Nine!
I want to walk the Promenade.
Ooh, check out the stores.
Oh, oh!
I bet they have a Quark's.
Ho-ho, Tendi,
not just any Quark's...
The original Quark's!
You're excited
for a franchise restaurant?
You guys are such tourists.
We just got to move
a couple crates
onto this Karemma ship,
and the rest of the day is ours!
Y'all have fun with that. I'm
staying right here and relaxing.
So does that mean
you're free today?
Oh, uh, hey. Thought-thought
you were still asleep.
Hi, Jennifer!
Hey, guys.
So, I'm hanging
with my friends today,
and I've been dying
for you to get to know them.
Oh! Yeah, you know,
um, so I should...
I'm gonna go give them a tour
of DS9,
because... without
me, they'll probably get lost
and end up in a mirror universe
with Smiley...
- Oh, no, we won't.
- Yeah, we have maps!
Mariner, you were just saying
how you much you hate
this station.
Why don't you stay here,
have some fun with Jennifer?
Castro's hosting a salon today.
You're gonna love it. Mwah.
Ooh, meeting the friends.
That's big.
Oh, what if they're uptight
and judgy?
I'm already not liking that they
call their hangouts "salons."
Like, what are you, Hemingway?
Well, Jennifer's going to care
if you can get along with them.
- Oh, do you think?
- You'll be fine.
Just don't be all bossy
like you are with us.
I'm not bossy!
Okay, that was a good one, boss.
- Oh, wow!
- Whoa!
The Promenade!
Ooh, it's even more Cardassian
than I imagined.
- Guys, this is awesome.
- Wow.
Captain Freeman,
welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Thank you, Colonel Kira.
I trust you were informed
that the Vancouver
will no longer be joining us?
Well, it's not Star fleet Command
unless they throw us
a few curve balls.
You got that right.
Well, this is my first officer,
Commander Jack Ransom,
and my security chief...
Oh, I know
this scarred-up old bar row bug.
- How are you, Shaxs?
- Any day not living
under Cardassian rule
is a good one.
We were in the Resistance
together.
He saved my life during a raid
on the Haru outposts.
I still owe you for that one.
No, you don't.
She saved my life when
we were ambushed at Vannakur.
Yeah, because I owed you
for pulling me out of that
plasma storm in the Badlands.
I'm sure
it was all very rebellious.
We wouldn't have even made it
to the Badlands
if you hadn't sprung me
from that prison transport!
You sprang me from one
the week before!
That one didn't count!
We were both locked up! Come on!
Oh, these trade talks
are a waste of time.
I don't know how these Alpha
savages managed to win the war.
Neither do I.
But if there's even a chance
at making a profit,
I'll hear them out.
And if diplomacy fails,
we always have the other option.
Uh, hey, can you sign my PADD?
Of course!
I love my fans.
For a small price, plus bar tax
and processing fees.
Quark. Sorry to interrupt.
This is Captain Freeman
of the Cerritos.
She and her crew are here
on important Star fleet duty.
Ah, you look radiant, Captain!
Uh... pass.
I love Star fleet.
I do a lot of business
in Federation space.
Quark is
our resident entrepreneur.
I did expand my simple bar
into 21 franchises
across the Alpha Quadrant.
And somehow
- I remain humble.
- What are
you talking about? Can't people
just replicate drinks?
None of your outdated
Star fleet replicators
can make what I have to offer.
My unique design gives our
refreshments that special zing.
I've been crafting them
for years.
So, Captain,
do you think there's room
at Star fleet Academy
for a Quark's?
Um... no.
Not to worry. We'll set you up
with a Quark's Express.
I gave one to the Bolians.
They love it.
Whoa!
- The original Quark's! Oh, man.
- Ooh, ooh,
let's get some seats at the bar.
Oh, my stars. They've got dabo.
- I-I thought it was illegal.
- Dabo!
Boimler, it's probably rigged.
Ho-ho-ho, cheating?
At a Quark's?
You can't rig a game here.
Besides, I'm Bold Boimler,
and fortune favors the bold!
Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Uh...
Ho-ho-ho! A fellow Orion!
- Greetings.
- Hey, look at that!
- That's awesome!
- Oh, wow, hi.
I'm Tendi.
This is my friend Rutherford.
I'm Mesk. I got to tell you,
I never run into
other Orions in Star fleet.
Me neither. I guess
there's just not a lot of us.
Tendi. T-Tendi.
Is your family
from the Northern Hemisphere?
Evtan Rim, right?
Uh, they-they
kind of moved around a lot.
So...
Deep Space Nine...
It's got to be so cool serving
right next to the wormhole, huh?
Oh, yeah. We get
some pretty shady characters
coming through here.
Our kind of people, am I right?
Oh, yeah. No, totally.
- Shady.
- Yeah.
Uh, Rutherford, do you want
to get food with our drinks
so that we...
Oh, cool. Awesome.
Hey, check this out...
My Orion multi-key.
I got a religious exemption
to wear it with my uniform.
Suckers.
Whoa! What is it?
Uh, it's a traditional tool
used by Orion pirates.
Aw, it's good for everything...
From stabbing guys
to picking locks
to stealing ships...
Oh, wow! Yeah,
all positive things.
Say, I just got off duty.
You guys want the grand tour?
- Oh, I think we're...
- Definitely!
Let's go around this circle!
All right! Come with me!
This is great.
Couple of Orions up to no good,
just skulking around.
Lock up your valuables,
am I right?
Ha. Yeah.
Totally.
All right. Here we go.
- Ooh! Look who's here!
- Mariner!
Hey, girl!
Hey! What's... up?
Finally we get to meet
the mysterious Lady Mariner.
I don't even mind
you're so late.
Wow, looking profesh
in the uniform.
I-I didn't get the memo
that, uh,
this was like
a sweats kind of party.
Not a party... a salon.
And we always set the wardrobe
as Betazoid casual.
Jenny didn't tell you?
They call you Jenny?
Ugh, I hate it.
It goes back to our time
at the Academy.
Okay, everyone, grab a wick.
These candles
aren't going to dip themselves.
Candle-making.
Very cool.
And this is obvious,
but don't forget
to set an intention
when you light it
or you're just gonna be wasting
the wax.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Um, I'm just gonna make
a quick, uh, pit stop
before I dive into the dipping.
Hey, girl, can we talk Boimler?
Oh, I know what
you're gonna ask,
and, no, he's
actually not reverse-aging.
He just doesn't get
enough vitamins.
- Is he single?
- What?
Purple hair is so sexy.
Yeah, I'm gonna just need
a little more of this.
Oh. Oh. Ooh.
Trade Minister Korzak,
this is Captain Freeman of...
I was told I would be meeting
with Captain Nguyen!
How are we supposed
to negotiate a trade agreement
when you can't even honor
an appointment?!
I won't have it!
Understandable but unfortunate,
because we did bring
some rather fine gifts.
I don't...
Gifts, you say?
Well, we're already here.
We may as well proceed.
Excellent.
The commerce opportunities
are endless
on this side of the wormhole.
- I think you'll find...
- I owe you
for taking a phaser shot for me
- on the Da'Karo mission.
- What?
You took one for meat Da'Karo.
No, I mean Da'Karo Prime...
The one with the little trees!
I don't remember that. No way.
Nerys!
Whoa, that's
Chief O'Brien's dartboard!
Look at that!
Bajoran food court!
Ho-ho!
Oh, I should tone it down.
Hey, so,
does your family approve
of you being in Star fleet?
You know, they had
some thoughts, but, uh,
- for the most part...
- Pfft! Orion values.
My folks definitely wanted me to
take over the family business,
and I was like,
"No, thanks, Mom!"
Wait, you mean, like,
the pirate business?
Hey, you said it, not me.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Wait right here!
I got to dangle
my legs off the second story
like in the holovids!
So, real talk...
What's the first ship
you ever stole, ma?
Um, actually,
I don't do that stuff.
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
Me neither.
Look, not every Orion does
the pirate criminal thing, okay?
Whoa! Easy! I'm starting to feel
some of those aggressive
female pheromones firing off.
- We don't all have those!
- Tendi!
Look at me! Tendi!
Cerritos crew, I need a detail
to transfer gift pallets over to
- the Karemma ship.
- Are you looking? Look at me!
I'll do it, Captain. Oh, gosh.
- Captain needs us on duty ASAP.
- Tendi! Tendi! Tendi!
Oh, what a shame.
Rutherford, let's go!
But I wanted to have
a heart-to-heart
with a junior reporter up here!
- Now!
- Aw, man.
Dabo!
And the streak continues.
It looks like we've got a bit
of beginner's luck on our hands.
Surprising for a man
with a coin purse.
It's a clutch.
And it's feeling a little light.
Let it ride!
Man, it must have been so cool
for you to hang out
with another Orion.
Yeah, sure. But, actually, I'd
rather just be working with you.
- Oh!
- Hey-oh!
Guess who got themselves
reassigned! I'm doing security
for you guys
for the rest of the day.
How lucky are you?
Mesk!
That's great!
Oh, wow. That's... that's news.
Hey! This calls for
a little pirate shanty!
Tendi, sing along!
I know you know it!
It was a dark and stormy
57162.3.
A star date just like this.
Castro really nailed
the theme tonight, didn't she?
And what is the theme?
Uh, pillows?
"Personal Battlefields."
Oh, great,
'cause this one is mine.
...that really I wasn't
in the Enterprise,
the Enterprise
was in me all along.
Oh, my gosh,
you guys, thank you.
- Ugh, yes. Speak the truth.
- Yeah.
- Speak it, honey. Speak.
- So good.
And now, please welcome
a new voice, Mariner.
Me? Oh, no, uh, I mean,
I didn't prepare anything.
That's okay,
just speak your truth.
Yeah, I'd rather just listen
to y'all's truths.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
The intention I'm detecting
is that you're kind of
disrespecting my salon.
Oh, no, I don't want to
disrespect anything, um, I...
Jenny was right,
you do love being contrary.
- Anya, you want to go next?
- Oh, yeah.
Of course. I call this piece
"The Kobayashi Maroon."
There's no right way
to dance it.
As you can see,
species from all over
the quadrant are participating
in a robust exchange
of goods and services
right here on Deep Space Nine.
A tailor and some
tchotchke kiosks?
This is hardly worth my time.
Well, what about Quark's?
He started
his bar here and now has
locations on dozens of planets.
Franchises, you say?
Yes, and with massive profits.
Nobody can tell you better
than the Ferengi himself.
- Get away from me.
- Quark.
I was so impressed with
your entrepreneurial story.
I believe our friends
from the Gamma Quadrant
would love to hear all about it.
Uh, I'm too busy.
Quark, you've had such success,
Korzak could open up even more
- franchise locations in his...
- Pass.
I don't want
to over saturate the market.
Do us a favor here, Quark,
we're trying to make
a good impression.
Maybe I don't want
to make a good impression.
Oh? And why is that?
A little thing called
the Dominion War?
I don't remember
the Karemma helping out
when my customers were dying!
We had nothing to do with that.
The Founders and the Vorta
were behind...
Oh, right, you were so innocent.
I've done business
with your kind before.
I'm not dumb enough
to repeat that mistake.
You bring me here to be insulted
by this long-lobed halfling?
- Hey! No. No!
- Ugh, the nerve.
Feels weird being "let in"
instead of breaking in,
you know?
If I don't pick a lock,
I get all jittery. I'm all,
"How did I get in here?"
I know you feel me.
Seriously, Tends,
I bet the two of us
could take this ship if we
wanted to. You know?
Would you just shut up?!
You keep acting like pirating
is cool, but guess what.
It's not. It's embarrassing,
a-and sometimes it makes me
not want to be associated
- with Orions at all.
- Wow.
Someone got all "human'ed up"
at the Academy.
At least I'll remember
where we came from.
Dabo!
Oh, he does it again!
Hey, man, get off me.
What are you doing?
You're cheating, human.
- Tell me your secret.
- I'm not cheating.
I'm just the Dabo king.
In fact, triple
down Dabo.
What is wrong with you?
- I have principles.
- No, you don't.
Quark, Korzak, please calm down.
I will not stand
for this disrespect.
I know, I know. Sometimes Quark
can come across a little...
insufferable.
But his business acumen?
Oh, it speaks for itself.
He's got this amazing
replicator, the Quark 2000.
You know,
I've never seen anything
- like it.
- This is the Quark 2000?
Hey, get away from that!
That's my intellectual property.
Quark, be reasonable.
That's it. Everyone,
out of the bar. We're closed.
Are you kidding? Minister.
That replicator contains
trade secrets.
Kira, they're
trying to rip me off.
How dare you?
Korzak.
Alpha contingency, now.
Ow, hot wax!
Get off of me. Help!
Kira to ops.
That thing must have triggered
some kind of system shutdown.
You might have sold them
on his franchise
a little too well, Captain.
Ugh, how did we get
from failed trade talks
to a kidnapping?
- Dabo!
- No!
- Hey, Mesk, what are you doing?
- Oh, this? It's nothing.
Just a little pirate code
for future Orions
to let them know
D'Vana Tendi is a traitor!
I'm not a traitor. I just,
I don't feel the need to...
Help! Help!
Is that-is that Quark?
This is all a misunderstanding.
Oh, you say?
Release docking and set a course
for the wormhole.
I can't get the Cerritos.
We're trapped!
Um, why did we just lose power?
I bet it has something to do
with the wormhole.
Ooh, yeah. It's always something
with the wormhole.
Let's get to our stations.
The manual latch is fused.
Excuse me,
is anybody... is anyone else
- finding it hard to breathe?
- Come on,
we've been in here two seconds.
It's totally fine.
It's...
- Wait, it is a little stuffy.
- I need air!
Everybody, just keep calm, okay?
- What is going on?
- Oh, my God!
Ah, the Impulian candles.
The flames eat twice the oxygen.
Wait, wait, wait,
our intentions.
Everybody, okay,
let's calm down, all right?
If I could have
your attention, please.
Ladies.
Why are you being so polite?
This doesn't sound like you.
Because I've been trying
this whole time
not to be bossy or mean
to your friends.
- Why?
- Because if they didn't like me,
you'd get mad
and this wouldn't work out.
Beckett, I like that you
don't take from anyone.
- Really?
- Yes.
I know my friends
can be a bit much.
I've been looking forward to you
tearing them a new one.
Go destroy them.
Thanks, babe.
Everyone, shut the up!
Ugh. You can't tell us
what to do. This is my salon.
And this is my phaser.
Hey, did you know that,
when you're unconscious,
you actually consume
way less oxygen?
So? What does that
have to do...
- Oh, my God, she stunned her.
- What are you doing?
- Just actualizing my dreams.
- No!
Oh, man, we're almost
to the wormhole!
Mesk.
Mesk, you can save us!
- Um, I'm sorry, what?
- With all your pirating skills.
You can take the ship
Orion-style.
Right, totally.
Um, the, uh, thing with that is,
um... I, uh...
I don't know how.
I've never
pirated anything
in my whole stupid life.
- What? It's all you talk about!
- I'm a faker.
I don't know. I've, I've
never even been to Orion.
I-I'm from Cincinnati.
- What? Cincinnati?
- Are you freaking serious?
I got adopted by humans,
and everything
I know about Orions
I learned from the holonovels.
Bad ones, too. The ones
with the boobs on the cover.
Why would you lie?
Well, people just expect Orions
to act like that,
so it's always worked for me.
I never knew any other Orions
back in Ohio, so no one
ever checked me on it.
Yeah, I-I get that.
It's hard when you feel like
people expect you to act
a certain way, but you just
got to be yourself.
It doesn't matter
what other people expect.
I'm sorry that I put
all that on you, too.
Thanks, and I'm sure
the real Mesk is great, too.
The Ohio Mesk.
Ugh, I just feel bad
'cause actual
Orion pirating skills really
would come in handy right now.
Yup, you're right about that.
Whoa.
What the...?
Listen, if there's one thing
my father taught me,
it's that every ship
has a security fail-safe.
Your family's Orion pirates?
Yup, Syndicate and all.
You there, stop.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
That thing has a tooth remover?
Shh, I'm pirating. Let's go!
Whoa, you just did that
with a wine opener!
Oh, no!
Wormhole!
You stopped us? How?
I used the latinum
from the guy's tooth
to magnetically decouple
the propulsion controls.
You took the ship...
You took the ship!
Ugh, my folks would be so proud,
but this is only
a temporary fix.
In a couple of hours,
the Karemma are gonna
figure out what I did,
and when they do... Whoa!
We're in a tractor beam.
We're saved.
We got 'em.
Good work, people.
Wonder why they
just stopped and waited.
I mean, they were
as good as Gamma'd.
Beam 'em to the brig first,
ask questions later.
Well, I definitely didn't have
"phaser all your friends"
on my bingo card.
And that's what I like
about us...
You keep things unexpected.
Though, you know, us being
the only ones not stunned here?
Kind of a bad look.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I see that.
Welp, shall we?
Mwah.
Let me out of here. This
imprisonment will not stand.
You kidnapped
an innocent Ferengi.
If I can quickly interject,
this is just
a big misunderstanding,
and I'm sure we can work out
some sort of resolution.
A resolution for what?
You stole our technology.
- Your technology?
- The Quark 2000.
He stole it from us.
It's filled
with Karemma components.
So, you didn't kidnap him?
No. We arrested him.
I may have borrowed
a Karemma replicator
some years ago,
but it was my codes
that made it so popular.
Oh, that's beside the point.
I think I have a solution
that will make you both happy.
Captain's log, supplemental.
Our mission, though unexpected,
has been a resounding success.
The Karemma have agreed
to open up trade
and not imprison Quark
in exchange for 76%
of all his franchises' profits.
Yes, yes, it's on him.
Th-Th-That table wants more
top-shelf Tamarian mead,
a-and they're insisting
that it's on the house.
Just bring them what they want.
I thought you said your plan
would make us both happy.
Well, you're happier being poor
than in prison, aren't you?
No!
Sorry, I didn't
win over your friends.
Please, even better,
now they're scared of you.
Shh, shh.
She's looking, she's looking,
don't look.
One Risa Colada
and a Mind Meld. Mariner.
You'd better have a stack
of latinum down there.
Uh, nope. But I do have a copy
of that hologram
with your head on Kira's body.
Impossible.
I erased that.
How about we clear my tab?
Unless you're not afraid
of Kira seeing this.
Mariner.
I was wondering
when you'd show up.
Are you guys
telling war stories?
I was just clearing her tab,
for old time's sake.
What is on that chip?
- No!
- No, give that to me,
give it to me.
Quark.
- Dabo!
- Listen, you could
walk out of here
with all that latinum,
that germy, dirty latinum, or...
a gift certificate for twice its
value at our Quark's gift store.
Quark's bucks.
I'll take it.
We don't even use
money in Star fleet anyway.
What?
Oh, it was good to see you
today, old-timer.
Yes. The prophets smiled
on both of us.
Thanks for having my back
when the klisht hit the fan.
- Just doing my job.
- Now I do owe you one.
Wait, what? No.
No, no, no. Hey, come on.
Gotcha.
But then the way you, like,
dance-flip-konked that guard,
I was like, damn!
I didn't know
Tendi could do that.
Well, so you're not embarrassed
to be friends with someone
whose family was into pirating?
No way.
It's a part of who you are.
I like hearing about it.
Thanks, Rutherford. From now on,
I'm going to embrace my past
and what comes with it.
Uh, what are you gonna do
with the tooth?
I don't know, i-it's actually
kind of gross, isn't it?
I'll take that.
Rule of Acquisition number nine.
Opportunity plus instinct
equals profit.
Chirp.