Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript

- Aah!
- Oh! Oh, sorry.

Oh, Goopy. Aw, it's okay.

Hey, Federov, you know you can
replicate a larger towel, right?

It's not his fault.
We're all packed in here.

Yeah, I love the Cerritos,
but it's a workhorse.

It definitely wasn't designed
for all this crew.

Usually I don't mind the lack
of personal space,

but recently
it's been too chaotic.

I don't know,
I think it's kind of fun.

We're in the middle
of the action, you know?

We're getting our hands dirty,
even when we sleep.



Huh?

I am Minooki.

Oh, boy, we got a ancient mask
situation here.

The what now?

This is, like,
the third time it's happened.

Stop touching masks.

I will rebuild my palace.

- No, no, no. Captain!
- Zenrox, tilling his fields.

In the spring. The spring!

- You cannot contain Minooki.
- Captain!

- Jerna, before the dawn!
- Captain!

Oh, yeah, it's super fun
to be in the action.

I just tuned that.

Captain's log:
Once again, theCerritos



was partially transformed
into a temple

while I was inhabited
by the spirit of Minooki.

Star fleet has to come up
with a better way

to handle these D'Arsay
archive situations.

Lieutenant Commander Bill ups
and his engineers

have been working
around the clock

to repair the systems that
turned into vines and aqueducts,

and I'm worried

the additional work
has taken an emotional toll.

Well, it's taken some time,

but we've removed
all the sacrificial altars

from the essential systems,

and the ship is almost clear
of the crazy mess you made.

Uh, that Minooki made.

Right, right, of course. Sorry.
It's been a long day.

You've been working
for a week straight.

Oh, have I?

Well, I guess time's
lost all meaning.

Dr. T'Ana's raised some
concerns, Lieutenant Commander.

Her medical opinion
is that you are

"a ing pile of stress."

I'm fine! The doc just
needs to stay in her lane,

'cause I don't go down
to her sickbay

and tell her
how to hypo her sprays.

I've been leaning on your team

pretty hard the last month,

and we've got this huge project
with the Carls bad coming up.

Ho-ho. More work. Great.

You can admit
when you need a break.

It's not a sign of weakness.

I'm not weak!

Ugh.

Let it all out.

This little breakdown

is exactly why I arranged
a therapeutic getaway

for you and your team.

- A-a getaway?
- That's right. Captain's orders.

Now, who's ready for the most
relaxing mandatory vacation

of their lives?

You're bringing
a tricorder instruction manual

- on your spa trip?
- Aah!

Yeah, something fun to read

in case
all the relaxing gets boring.

Mm. I better take two.

With the captain gone,
we're just gonna have to be

in standby, so you won't be
missing out on much here.

Well, there's the room lottery.

Oh, right.
I forgot that was coming up.

Four separate quarters
opened up on Deck One.

Deck One?
Those are the penthouse suites.

I could fit
so many beakers in there.

The next time Captain's
possessed by a haunted mask,

I could just close the door.

So I am missing out.

Don't worry about it, man.

We'll enter your name
into the lottery.

Not like it'll matter.
Room lottery has always been

weighted for higher stations.

Lower deckers don't end up
in fancy rooms.

Who knows?
Maybe we'll get lucky.

Aah!

- I'm sorry.
- Goopy! Get back here.

It'll be super easy.

Delta shift.

We access the terminal
on Deck Nine,

change a few lines of code,
then the stupid

lottery algorithm
will have to pick us.

Uh, but what about
the turbolift records?

We're gonna get caught.

Not if we go in the back way.

There's no active monitoring

in the auxiliary corridors.

We'll be untraceable.

You're right.
Deck One, here we come.

Ugh.

And then they all laughed

in that mean,
Delta shift way they do.

Ugh. Delta shift's the worst.

How are they even in Star fleet?

They should all just
join the Maquis.

Well, those jerks figured out
how to rig the lottery

using an air-gapped terminal.

Oh, they're definitely getting
those Deck One rooms.

No, no way. No, we got
to get to that terminal

and beat them at their own game.

But isn't that... cheating?

So is the whole room lottery.

Look, after all the times
we've been cheated,

we'll just be
evening things out.

And if we don't do something,
they will.

Ooh, I've always wanted
to explore an ethical gray area.

Yes! Let's go gray area
the out of Delta shift.

Ah, Captain Freeman
and her engineers.

Welcome to the Dove.

I'm Toz, and my mission
is your relaxation.

I understand
your department's been

under some intense pressure.

Right, well, you know,
just doing our job,

so, uh, how long is this
gonna take, anyway?

Here on the Dove, we've mastered
the science of relaxation.

Wrist bands, lemonade.

These bands monitor
your tension levels,

so we can adjust your treatment
accordingly.

Yellow indicates you're all
experiencing moderate stress.

But soon enough, we'll have you
green across the board.

The puppy playpen is one
of our most popular offerings.

For the more deviant among you,
we also have kittens.

No judgment.

Our baths feature mud
imported directly

from the healing bogs
of Tellar Prime.

Temperature
and viscosity are bespoke.

Everyone has a different way
of relaxing.

Look at the joy on his face.

He's actually gone
way over his time.

We're afraid to end his session.

We can't wait to see
what you have prepared for us.

Isn't that right, Mr. Bill up...?

Bill ups, what are you doing?

Oh, sorry, yeah,

we noticed that the-the hatch,

uh, the, you know,
the sliding hatch...

It wasn't operating at, uh...

We fixed the door.

Hmm. We must begin
the program immediately.

Here's the terminal room.
The Deltas are going there

through the auxiliary corridors,
but we can get there faster

if we cut
through the maintenance systems.

It's gonna be a hike,
and probably some tight fits,

but it should
get us there first.

Hey, I will gladly get
chin-deep in a waste conduit

if it means beating
those stupid Deltas.

All right, well, the shortcut
starts through a panel

in the back of Holodeck Three.

Ugh, there's a program running.

I guess we're gonna have

- to wait it out.
- No time.

Just stay low.

Huh. Oh, I know what this is.

I think this is what people used
to use to store their money.

It's called a bonk?

Oh, what a boring program.

Uh, yes, hello.

I'd like to withdraw some paper
with no intrinsic value.

Money.

Aah!

Everybody down!
This is a robbery!

Hands up where I can see 'em.

I didn't wake up today planning
on blowing anyone's brains out,

but don't push me.

- Son of a...
- Oh, it's the Feds!

- Over here.
- You're surrounded!

Bring it, scumbags.

We're not scared of you!

Aah!

Computer, deactivate
safety protocols.

- What?!
- Eat hot lead!

Computer, pause program.

Aah! Mm.

What the hell?!
I was about to blast 'em.

What are we doing?

The usual: We off these Feds,
and once our blood's pumping,

we'll do the nasty
on the counter

- and make the hostages watch.
- Aw, geez.

No, I mean what are we doing,

- as a couple?
- Ew, just shoot me instead.

What are you talking about?

You love crime play.

When was the last time

you asked me about my dreams?

Or how my mission went?
I died,

and we never even
talked about it.

Does baby need to suckle
on one of mama's...

- Will you put those away, Diane?
- Ugh.

- Diane is her kinky sex name?
- This is worse

- than the shootout.
- I am more than a rock-hard body

- for you to scramble around on.
- Okay, we have to go.

- Got it.
- I want us to share

- our feelings, our secrets.
- In here.

Okay, bigs,
I'll tell you a secret.

It's something I would kill
if anyone else ever knew.

Oh, God, hurry, hurry.

I've never told anyone
how I lost my tail.

Oh, yes.

- Tendi, come on.
- No, no, no.

I've always wanted to know.

Hey, can we, uh, set the mood?

Computer, resume program.

I was on the Algonquin.

Aah! Aw, man.

All right,
we're making great time.

No way is Delta shift beating us
to that terminal.

They better not.
This is taking forever.

Well, I think the view

from our new quarters
will more than make up for it.

Plus, we're in parts of the
ship almost nobody gets to see.

I think this is super cool.

Ugh. Ugh.

Uh, if by super cool
you mean super gross.

Why do we even
have a swamp on board?

We're under the hydroponics bay.

It's great
for biomedical research,

or just for flower fans.

What kind of weirdo signs up

for a job
in outer space just to garden?

Ah, the path to Kamata
in spring.

Whoop. Oh, Gramble,

his throat slit by his mistress.

A Tamarian defrin root.

They can grow without water.

All they need is high levels
of nitrous oxide.

Uh, is it safe for us
to be breathing that?

Oh. Well, I know
Orions are immune

to its hallucinogenic
properties.

But as for humans...

Um...

Boimler, what is up
with your head?

You look like
a goddamn sea creature.

My head? What about your arms?

Yeah, I mean,
I don't hate it, though.

Hey, guys, this is actually
so funny. Look at this.

It says oxygen levels
are depleting.

I can taste sounds? What?

We have to get out of here.

Oh, we have to get out of here.

How? It's a maze.

What? What...

- what maze?
- Okay,

you guys stay here
and feed the rabbits.

I'm gonna find a way
through this maze.

- No! What?!
- I am trapped inside of an egg.

- Come on.
- No, leave me alone.

- I don't want to hatch.
- Ooh, I've found the door.

- Ugh. We have to go. Now.
- No, I do.

Ow!

I said go! Hyah! Hyah!

Why are you being so mean? Ow.

Whew. Sorry-sorry
about that whole egg thing.

That's okay.
I'm sorry I made you hatch.

It's okay. It's just,
oh, it was so warm in there.

Ooh, that Tellarite mud bath
was phenomenal.

I'm glad you enjoyed it,
and even more pleased

to see your team taking full
advantage of our sand garden.

Feeling your stress
slide away into the sand?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, we're really cookin'.

Oh, nice. Wait a minute.

Is that a design schematic?

Yup. This little honey
will improve the Cerritos

engine efficiency by .5%.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

You are here to relax.

Like, look.
Meredith's got the right idea.

Mmm. Right there.
That's the spot.

Ensign, working out
all those kinks?

Oh, yeah, it's just about ready
to get tested.

I'm sorry. Excuse me?
Ugh. This is unbelievable.

Sorry. Was I the only one
sneaking in a little build time?

They won't
relax. Why won't they relax?

This is ridiculous.

I'm all for adventure, Boims,
but it'd be nice

if your little shortcut wasn't
actually more of a long cut.

Look, I know, I know. It's just,
after all these retrofits,

a lot of this stuff
isn't even labeled.

I mean, like this.
Uh, ladies first?

- Absolutely not.
- Yeah, right.

Cool, cool. I got this.

- Holy cow.
- Ooh!

Whoa. Check it out.
Gravity's super low.

Ha, ha. Okay.

This is a much better room.

All right, Boims,
I'll give you this one.

This is a good shortcut.
Ooh.

- Oh, look at me go.
- Whoa.

Feels so free to do
this without an EV suit.

Come on, Boimler.

Delta shift probably isn't
goofing off like this.

We got to go
if we want to beat them.

Ha. I'm not Boimler.
I'm Antigrav Boy,

protector of the lower decks.

Commander, a small
asteroid cluster is approaching.

Should I target
with all phasers?

What? No. This is what
we have a deflector for.

Reroute power and
let the dish take care of it.

Uh-oh. Huh?

Aah!

Help me!

- Whoa!
- Aah!

He's getting flattened.
We need to make a tether.

Uh, got it!

Oh, my God! Oh, no. No!

Hold on!

- Ow!
- Mariner, pull!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Antigrav Boy.

The human ritual

of mani-pedis is renowned

across the quadrant
for its calming power.

Also, I know it would keep their
eyes covered and hands busy.

Well, seems like

you've finally figured out
how to make them relax.

Not a single yellow
wristband in the bunch.

Ah. Feeling good,
Mr. Rutherford?

Oh, yeah, Captain.

It's about time these
little piggies got pampered.

If you like that,
you'll love the manicure.

Oh, just the pedi's fine.

Come on. You can't have a pedi
without a mani.

It's like a pedi
for your hand-toes.

Uh, no, thanks, not for me.

Wait a minute.
Did you slide a cucumber slice

under your wristband
to block the sensor?

You engineered a workaround
to your own stress meter?

I'm sorry.
We just wanted you to be happy.

Damn it. Oh. What the hell
were you thinking?

That the cucumber's hydrophilic
skin creates a natural fil...

- Can it, Meredith.
- Sorry, Captain.

We just didn't want our stress
to stress you out.

This is a direct attack.

I came here thinking
you respected me enough

to give it a fair shot,
but no. No!

- My engineers don't respect me.
- That's not true!

It's just one deception
after another!

I must be the worst captain
in the whole freakin' fleet,

a total joke.

Am I amusing you?

We have a black bander
on Deck Four.

- Do I amuse you?
- Repeat: A black bander on Four.

This is not a drill.

Don't touch me! Just stand down.
I am a captain.

We've been treating
the wrong patient.

This woman is under
incredible stress.

She hasn't recently
been possessed

by any ancient artifacts,
has she?

Uh... maybe a couple?

Intensive treatment. Now!

- Move.
- Oh, engineers. All of them.

All of them are all
goddamned Geordi LaForges.

What's gonna happen to her?

She's been repressing
months' worth of stress,

and you brought it all out.

If she doesn't respond
to treatment, I'll have to

send her to Earth
for a full medical diagnostic.

But that would take her away
from the Cerritos.

Something that
could have been avoided

if you'd just followed
my treatments. But, no,

you just had to be hardworking.

She's right.
We didn't make an effort today.

If that's what
the captain needs, then we need

to figure out a way to stop
engineering

and start relaxing.

Sir, I think I know
what we shouldn't do.

This vent opens
for ten seconds once every hour.

When it does, we'll have a
straight shot to the terminal.

Great. So what do we do now?

All we have to do is wait.

When you get your room, what are
you gonna say to let people in?

Yeah, Riker says
"Come," but like, "Come."

So I guess I'll do that?
Do I sound cool? Come.

I wish I could make fun,
but it does sound cool.

I was thinking, "Enter, friend."

So then whoever comes in
is your friend.

I'm going to say "Come," too.

No, don't do that. That's mine.

- I like it. Come. Come.
- Come.

Enter, friend.

- Oh, great.
- Beta shifters?

What the hell are you freaks
doing down here?

Same as you, Delta shift.

What took you so long, huh?

Tuckered out from staying up
past your bedtimes?

You know what?
Yeah. We're tired,

and we've been through hell
to get here.

I can't believe you're trying

to bone in
on our room lottery plan.

Aren't you Beta shifters
always crowing

about how ethical you are?

You sure you'll be able
to live with yourselves

- if you hack that terminal?
- Yeah, I don't know.

I just feel like
all the Deck One perks

and privacy'll help us
deal with it.

Well, we're not going anywhere.

Yeah. I didn't crawl through
a leftover Minooki aqueduct

for nothing.
I'm drenched down to my soul.

At least
you weren't in the holodeck

for Shaxs' and T'Ana's
foreplay fantasy. Ugh.

Oh, man, you ran into them, too?

We heard them going to town
from behind stellar cartography.

Aw. I knew
they were making progress.

Yeah, they were definitely
making something.

Oh!

Ew.

Barf.

I doubt they'll ever
let Dr. Migleemo choose

which nebula to scan again
after that.

Oh, oh, oh, I got a good one.
I got a really good one.

Remember when Ransom
got turned into a caveman

and they locked him
in the cafeteria?

So, apparently,
when he was in there,

he replicated this weird doll
out of churros

and carried it around
like it was his wife.

Everyone knows that.
People called her Churrolivia.

Okay, but did you know
he still has the doll?

- Churro, the wife? No.
- Oh! Uh-uh. Oh!

I heard he keeps it
somewhere in his office

'cause of like a primordial
bond he has with it.

It does always smell
like cinnamon in there. Oh, no.

Come on. That caveman thing
was like six months ago.

The churros would all be
dried out by now.

He keeps it... refreshed.

Ew!

You know, we're really not,
like, that different.

I feel like a big part of why
we haven't gotten along is just,

you're asleep when we're awake.

But spending this time together,
it's actually been nice.

Yeah, you guys are all right.

Too bad when the vent opens,
we won't have this anymore.

It would be better if all us
lower deckers stuck together.

I mean, why don't we? We could
all walk through together.

Yeah. Put all our names
into the lottery.

At least it'll make it
an even split.

I like it. Let us lower deckers
have the luck for once.

And then no matter
who gets the rooms,

we come out of it
with new friends.

Delta shift and Beta shift
working together.

Got it! Quick, quick!

Nice try, Betas.

Delta shift!

Goddamn you
Delta shift pieces of sh...

Try-try to do a good thing.
Try...

- Get away from me, dog.
- Oh, this is bad.

- Increase puppy levels.
- That's all we've got.

We even tossed in a couple
of bunnies. They had no effect.

Oh.

I'm gonna call it.

Somebody get me

- Star fleet Medical on the horn.
- Stop!

Aw, not you, little guys.
Keep on puppin'.

Haven't you done enough damage?
Get out of here!

Captain, you were right.

Letting go of stress is key,

and we finally figured out how.
Bring it in!

Did you dismantle one
of my turbolifts?

We have engineered a machine

that removes stress.

You built this? Ugh.

The whole point of this trip
was to stop working.

We know, Captain,
but it turns out, for us,

there is no greater
stress relief

than engineering a solution
to a problem.

No, this is preposterous.

- Ready the captain for transfer.
- Captain, please.

Ten seconds in this pod
will give you the same

therapeutic benefits
of a month spent on the Dove.

Will you try it?
We can't afford to lose you.

Ugh. All right, all right, fine.

Wait, now, how does this work?

Whoa.

Ah. Oh! Aah!

Captain, how do you feel?

That was... incredible.

Oh, it was better than

a thousand massages combined.

Oh, my God,
I feel like a new woman.

Remarkable. Your levels have
all returned to baseline.

What an amazing device.

With one of these on every ship,

Star fleet will no longer
even need the Dove.

And you can thank the Cerritos
engineers for that.

Come on, team.
Let's get back to work.

- Yes, work!
- Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Bye-bye, yeah.

I want this thing ejected
from my ship right now!

- But, it's exactly what we...
- I said get rid of it!

Gah! After everything
we went through,

- stupid Delta shift won.
- I can't believe

I laughed
at their caveman Ransom story.

It's probably fake,
just like they are.

Stupid Delta shift
stabbed us in the back

and left us in a puddle
of Minooki water.

Hey, check it out.
It's draining.

Oh, great. I'll put that
fun detail in my personal log,

right after the part
where we got betrayed.

This might bypass the vent.

- Uh, it's not on the map.
- Ah, I don't know.

There could be incinerators
down there.

Huh. Doesn't feel hot.
I guess

it'll take someone bold
to find out.

Boimler, no,
that's a bad idea, man.

- Antigrav Boy!
- No, no, no! Boimler, no!

I'm fine. It was fun.
Come on in.

We really need to do something

about this bold Boimler thing.
It is not sustainable.

- All right.
- Aah!

- Ooh! That was fun!
- Yeah, and this

goes right up to the terminal.
We're right there.

And no Delta shifters in sight.

Yup, 'cause fortune
favors the bold.

Don't.
Don't, with the bold thing.

I can't believe we did it.

Joke's on them
for leaving us behind.

Now there's no way
we're sharing.

Just gonna make sure our names
are the only ones

on the list,
then lock the Deltas out.

Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

This says there aren't
four rooms on Deck One.

- It's one room on Deck Four.
- Only one?

So wait, so wait.
So who should get it?

It would mean being on a
different deck, all by yourself.

We wouldn't get
to have days like this anymore.

Even with all the peril, it was
really fun just being together.

Yeah, and you know

we're only gonna
be lower deckers for so long.

I mean, in no time Tendi's
gonna be a bridge officer.

I'll probably get drummed
out of Star fleet

for calling Ransom a piece
of, and, Boimler,

you'll be dead, because
of the whole being bold thing.

If even one of us takes that
room, it'll break us up forever.

And you know
who really deserves that?

Delta shift.

Yeah. Let's just walk away and
let them ruin their friendship.

Beta shifters stick together.

Stupid Delta shift.

Yeah, yeah, come check out
the room, everybody.

Yeah, come on by. It's huge.

I can't believe
they're sharing that one room.

God, they just put four beds
in there,

and now it's like
their private party quarters.

Ugh.
Why didn't we think of that?

I don't know. We were tired.

Hey, why didn't you guys
grab that room for me?

We didn't think
you would want it.

Of course I wanted it.
What are you talking about?

We all wanted it.

'Cause, you know,
Beta shifters stick together.

- We still could have.
- Well, we kind of

got caught up in the
all-for-one, one-for-all spirit.

Ugh! That's the definition
of one-for-all.

One room for all of us.

- Hey, hey, relax, man.
- I am relaxed!

I just got back from a spa!
Listen, I heard

that Delta shift is having
a private party tonight,

and we got to get on that list.

We could go back
to the terminal.

No.

- Come on. You said it was fun.
- Not that fun.

Hey, how's it going? Okay.

Computer, 35 churros
in an unmarked paper bag, hot.

Chirp.