Stan Against Evil (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Level Boss - full transcript
[Birds Chirping]
[Tires Screech]
[Evie Coughs]
[Groans]
[Groans]
Sta-Stan?
[Groans]
Oh, geez.
Stan.
♪
Look, I'm, uh... I'm sorry about this,
but, uh... you understand.
♪
[Gun Shot]
Episode 01x08 - Level Boss
[Birds Chirping]
_
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Thud]
Oh, my God.
[Sighs]
[Brakes Squeal]
[Engine Shuts Off, Music Stops]
[Groans]
[Sighs]
Terrific.
♪
[Dialing]
[Scoffs]
[Cellphone Rings]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Y'ello?
Yeah, hey, uh, Leon,
I need you to come get me.
I, uh... I blew a tire.
I'm on county road 8.
I think I'm just past the, uh...
Well, the...
The thing is I-I can't
get over there right now.
I'm on a stakeout.
Oh, God. Is this that woman again?
I'm... I'm not at liberty...
Okay, Leon, listen to me...
Hiding in the bushes
outside the house of
a woman that you went out with,
what, twice in high school
does not constitute a stakeout!
- Oh! Shh! Here she comes!
- [Child Yells In Distance]
[Cellphone Beeps]
Ohh!
So, it's three kids now.
That's your move.
[Chuckles]
And the dance continues.
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers!
Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time,
man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived
alone in the woods
and was poisonous?"
- Amen, brother.
- [Telephone Rings]
Jell-O.
[Cheerfully] Hey, Stan! Hey, you busy?
Evie, please don't do that
with your voice.
If you want something,
just go ahead and ask for it.
[Normal Voice] Okay, look...
I-I blew a tire, and...
[Clears Throat]
For some reason, I don't have a spare.
That's 'cause I don't believe in them.
They're a sign of weakness.
In any case, make sure and hit me back
as soon as you get
your situation all squared away.
No! Don't hang up.
[Stammers] Please stay on.
Don't hang up.
[Scraping]
[Denise Grunting]
Keep your pants on for a second.
See Ya!
[Denise Grunting]
[Grunts]
What, uh...
What is all this?
I am starting my own business.
I am gonna clean people's teeth
right out of this house.
Don't, uh... Don't you need
to go to school
for something like that?
Yeah, you do if you
want to be a dentist.
But I'm just gonna brush
people's teeth really hard.
- [Denise Grunts]
- Evie, sit tight. I'll be right there.
Oh, my G... Thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Uh, y-you will be back
in your chair within an hour.
I swear.
Oh, no, no. Think nothing of it.
There's... There's no rush
when you're helping a friend.
In fact, I may be very well be
out of the house all day.
Th-There are some times when
I just want to get in the car
and drive and drive and drive
until everything I've done in
my life is rendered meaningless.
And when I do step out of the vehicle,
I'm a... I'm a new man.
Did y... Did you ever feel that way?
[Birds Chirping]
[Sighs]
Thank you, seriously.
I owe you.
Yeah.
- What the hell?!
- [Tires Screech]
- [Gasps]
- [ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
Okay.
[Thud]
What the...?
What?
[Sighs]
♪
[Car Door Closes]
[Sighs]
♪
[Dialing]
[Ringing]
[Cellphone Rings]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Y'ello?
Yeah, uh, h-hey, Leon, uh...
I need you to come get me.
Well, I can't get over there right now.
I-I'm on a stakeout. Stakeout.
Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
[Cellphone Beeps]
NARRATOR: The woods and was poisonous?"
- Amen, brother.
- [Telephone Rings]
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan!
Listen, I-I blew a tire
and, uh, you know, no spare.
- [Scraping]
- [Grunting]
I'll be right there.
[Stan Grunts]
What's with you?
[Sighs]
Didn't this...
already happen?
What, me doing you favors
and you saying weird shit?
Yeah, that... That seems
vaguely familiar, yeah.
No, seriously, Stan, I...
You know what? Slow down.
Why, what are you gonna do,
give me a speeding ticket?
I'm not even speeding.
Seriously, Stan, just slow down.
You know... [Stammers]
Stop the car, stop the car!
[Tires Screech]
Oh, what the hell?
♪
You all right?
Okay.
You're gonna be okay.
We can help you, okay?
♪
I'm the sheriff.
Just tell me...
- [Gasps]
- [ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Thud]
♪
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan, I don't have time to explain.
I need you to come get me.
- [Scraping]
- [Grunts]
I'll be right there.
♪
Stop the car!
[Tires Screech]
Oh, what the hell?!
Don't move!
What the hell are you doing?
It's Wendy from "Peter Pan,"
for Christ's sake.
She got the nightgown,
the big eyes, the...
She got the whole thing.
Who are you,
and why did you kill me last time,
and why was there a last time
and a time before that?!
What the hell is going on?
He... He did not send you?
Who?
He is the one doing this.
He won't let me go.
- [Horn Honks]
- Evie, can we please wrap this up?
- I'm talking!
- Let's go!
You are Evie?
I'm afraid he wants you, too.
Who wants me?
[Twig Snaps, Crow Caws]
[Growls] [Screams]
[Screaming]
Come on! Ah.
[Screaming Continues]
I should have stayed home
and watched my snake show.
♪
Hello? Ms. Livingston?
Yes. My name is Denise Miller.
I'm calling with a very special offer
from White Power Tooth Cleaning.
N-No, no. It's...
No, it's... It's White
Power Tooth Cleaning,
not White Power tooth clea...
No, that is a very terrible name.
♪
[Woman Screams In Distance]
Oh, for Christ sake... Look at this.
Evie... a can of Schlitz beer.
They don't even make this stuff anymore.
It's probably worth something.
Well, that's a museum piece right the...
Oh, I'm swimming in butter today.
We got another one.
It's gonna be a challenge, but we can...
We can drink it. Ooh!
That's what I've been looking for.
Winne... Oh! It's got bees in it.
Well, you know, bees
traditionally love Schlitz,
but you know what to do to bees.
You collapse the can.
[Growling]
♪
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Scoffs]
Okay. Let's try this again.
[Thud]
♪
[Tires Screech]
- [Growls]
- [Screams]
Come on!
Should have stayed home.
♪
[Woman Screams In Distance]
♪
[Growls]
[Grunts]
[Body Thuds]
Jesus, Evie.
Say, uh, Evie, can I ask you
a personal question?
Exactly when would you
like to talk about
that crazy chick you just killed?
Stan, look at that.
♪
What in the hell does that say?
Aah! Oh, my God!
Man: It's all for the best.
[Gasps]
He was just slowin' you down.
Who are you?
I see you found my stick.
I hated parting with it,
but clearly, you needed it.
It's gonna make it easier
to deal with them.
Wait, you... you left this for me?
Oh, those two don't fight fair.
As it is...
we both stuck here.
[Dialing]
Hello! Mrs. Modig?
Yes. We're taking a survey.
Would you rather
have your teeth whitened
by "Mighty Whities," "Fun N' Gums,"
or "Good Times in Your Mouth"?
What?
Go... what myself?
The time loop...
I mean, surely, you notice it by now.
I mean, somethin's
supposed to happen today,
but it ain't gonna happen if you die.
Well...
Ain't gonna happen if that gal
from the forest dies, either,
'cause if any one of you dies...
I mean, we startin' all over again.
W-W-What is supposed to happen?
Well, you supposed to
destroy Constable Eccles.
I'm supposed to kill a guy
who's been dead for 400 years?
Well, if you continue
down this path here,
you're gonna find him very much alive.
Now, it ain't gonna be as simple
as a big stick to the head,
I'll tell you that right now.
[Dialing]
Oh, hello. Yes.
Is this the office of the Klu... Klux...
Oh, my God. Never mind. So...
[Groaning]
Terrible. Whew.
Now, the secret cemetery,
hmm, the one with
the 172 witches buried in it?
I know it.
Yeah, well, what you don't know
is there's 173 graves there.
And the last one...
it belongs to Eccles.
Although the nameplate
on it says, "Avner."
It's his way of hiding in plain sight.
Now, you must dig up the grave
and take out his eyes.
T-Take o...
[Laughs]
Wow.
Sorry, it's, uh... Just when I thought
things couldn't get any
weirder, you know...
The eyes of the grave
have seen his death.
And when they look into the soul,
then he will meet his true end,
and the time will close
once and for all.
And...
and my friend... He'll be okay?
To save him, you're gonna have
to go back to the beginning.
How?
I don't know.
Although you could kill yourself.
Great.
Oh, don't worry, gal.
You in luck!
[Screeching]
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
God damn it!
[Thud]
NARRATOR: The baby rattler
emerges from its leathery egg,
seeking maternal comfort and murder.
Been there, done that. [Sighs]
[Telephone Rings]
Yeah?
Hey, Stan, um, listen...
I don't... I don't have time to explain,
but, uh, I need a big favor.
- No, today's not a very good day.
- DENISE: Oh, crap!
[Grunts]
It's no problem.
I can leave immediately.
Kevin: Hey there, Sheriff.
Kevin.
Want to see a dead body?
Little cemetery humor.
I'm looking for a grave marked "Avner."
You know about that?
Know about what?
Well, the... the town ledger
has 172 people burned
for witchcraft buried here
and, you know, over there.
But there's 173 graves,
and "Avner" is the one
name not in the ledger.
Where is it?
Say, Kev, those are fabulous.
[Chuckles] Come on.
[Sighs]
There it is... Avner.
Well, uh...
whatever happens from here on out
is none of my business.
Yeah, you, uh... You go ahead
and get us started,
and I, uh... I'll be back in a jiff.
[Groans]
[Grunts]
[Groans]
That's the thing about Hendrix
is he only made three albums,
and "Band of Gypsys" was live.
Now, Bootsy Collins...
[Shovel Thuds]
I think we're here.
Now, you see what happens
when we work together?
You didn't...
I did all the diggin'.
Now, don't be conceited, Kevo.
It's not flattering.
Now, see if you can hump that thing up.
I'm gonna go find a place
to throw this out.
I'm all about the environment.
[Sighs]
[Shovel Clangs]
[Coffin Creaking]
[Grunts]
[Sighs]
Outstanding effort, Kevo.
Outstanding.
[Sighs]
All right.
Let's open it up.
[Both Grunting]
Ooh.
I have one last favor
there, little buddy.
Reach in there and pinch out
those eyeballs for me.
Here we go.
Here you go.
Did you get the eyes?
I, uh... I went ahead
and brought you the whole head.
I figured you'd want
to take the eyes out yourself.
Gee, thanks.
[Car Door Closes]
Now I'm the asshole? Give me a break.
All right, any second now,
we should see, like,
a-a crazy-looking girl
run out into the road.
[Scoffs] What else is new?
You know, when I was a wee tot...
Just when we see her,
I need you to take her home, okay?
And do what with her, give her a job?
Can she fix things? She good with tools?
S-Slam on your brakes.
Why? Slam on your brakes!
I don't see any... Hey! You...
[Tires Screech] For the love of God!
[Crashing, Glass Shatters]
♪
[Groans]
[Breathing Heavily]
♪
[Thud]
Jell-O.
♪
[Grunting]
Take that.
Ah, bring it to the car.
[Tires Screech]
♪
Okay, little nightgown girl...
Why don't you go ahead and drop that
knife you got tucked in there, huh?
Drop it, drop it.
- Let it go.
- [Knife Clangs]
Perfect, perfect.
You follow directions very well, Wendy.
You're a lot more
dangerous than you look.
Watch your head. There you go.
Speaking of heads...
[Engine Starts]
And we're good.
Heading off with the head,
asked for the eyes.
♪
[Growling]
So, uh...
You from around here?
What would you say you do for fun?
Praying. You pray.
Boy, that's fun.
That's a goddamn barrel of monkeys.
My friend Steve... He prayed a lot.
Steve's dead... horrible tragedy.
Taken away too young,
like all the great ones.
Janis, Jim Morrison.
Oh.
Mark Smith from a county over.
He's a stone mason.
[Birds Chirping]
♪
Evie!
Did you bring the eyes?
Well...
brought the head.
It comes with eyes.
This way.
♪
Uh...
♪
Evie.
[Laughs Maniacally]
Ah.
Thank you for the eyes.
[Laughs]
No, no, no, no.
Go slow.
[Evie Grunts]
See, you got a nasty bump, there.
Where am I?
Relax, dear.
All is as it should be.
[Grunts]
I got my eyes now.
♪
I was able to close the time loop.
Your eyes?
[Irish Accent] And my dear daughter...
Constance is her name, by the way.
She's in your time now,
safe from those who would
use her to destroy me.
What do you mean, "My time"?
And with her there and you here...
I thought you might like to see
what happened to Constance's mother.
[Groans]
- No!
- [Wind Howls]
Evelyn Barret...
as Constable of Willard's Mill Township,
I, Thaddeus Eccles, accuse you
of the crime of witchcraft.
[Indistinct Shouting]
No.
No.
No!
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers!
Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time,
man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived alone
in the woods
and was poisonous?"
[Tv Turns Off]
Mm.
♪
Something ain't right.
[Tires Screech]
[Evie Coughs]
[Groans]
[Groans]
Sta-Stan?
[Groans]
Oh, geez.
Stan.
♪
Look, I'm, uh... I'm sorry about this,
but, uh... you understand.
♪
[Gun Shot]
Episode 01x08 - Level Boss
[Birds Chirping]
_
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Thud]
Oh, my God.
[Sighs]
[Brakes Squeal]
[Engine Shuts Off, Music Stops]
[Groans]
[Sighs]
Terrific.
♪
[Dialing]
[Scoffs]
[Cellphone Rings]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Y'ello?
Yeah, hey, uh, Leon,
I need you to come get me.
I, uh... I blew a tire.
I'm on county road 8.
I think I'm just past the, uh...
Well, the...
The thing is I-I can't
get over there right now.
I'm on a stakeout.
Oh, God. Is this that woman again?
I'm... I'm not at liberty...
Okay, Leon, listen to me...
Hiding in the bushes
outside the house of
a woman that you went out with,
what, twice in high school
does not constitute a stakeout!
- Oh! Shh! Here she comes!
- [Child Yells In Distance]
[Cellphone Beeps]
Ohh!
So, it's three kids now.
That's your move.
[Chuckles]
And the dance continues.
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers!
Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time,
man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived
alone in the woods
and was poisonous?"
- Amen, brother.
- [Telephone Rings]
Jell-O.
[Cheerfully] Hey, Stan! Hey, you busy?
Evie, please don't do that
with your voice.
If you want something,
just go ahead and ask for it.
[Normal Voice] Okay, look...
I-I blew a tire, and...
[Clears Throat]
For some reason, I don't have a spare.
That's 'cause I don't believe in them.
They're a sign of weakness.
In any case, make sure and hit me back
as soon as you get
your situation all squared away.
No! Don't hang up.
[Stammers] Please stay on.
Don't hang up.
[Scraping]
[Denise Grunting]
Keep your pants on for a second.
See Ya!
[Denise Grunting]
[Grunts]
What, uh...
What is all this?
I am starting my own business.
I am gonna clean people's teeth
right out of this house.
Don't, uh... Don't you need
to go to school
for something like that?
Yeah, you do if you
want to be a dentist.
But I'm just gonna brush
people's teeth really hard.
- [Denise Grunts]
- Evie, sit tight. I'll be right there.
Oh, my G... Thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Uh, y-you will be back
in your chair within an hour.
I swear.
Oh, no, no. Think nothing of it.
There's... There's no rush
when you're helping a friend.
In fact, I may be very well be
out of the house all day.
Th-There are some times when
I just want to get in the car
and drive and drive and drive
until everything I've done in
my life is rendered meaningless.
And when I do step out of the vehicle,
I'm a... I'm a new man.
Did y... Did you ever feel that way?
[Birds Chirping]
[Sighs]
Thank you, seriously.
I owe you.
Yeah.
- What the hell?!
- [Tires Screech]
- [Gasps]
- [ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
Okay.
[Thud]
What the...?
What?
[Sighs]
♪
[Car Door Closes]
[Sighs]
♪
[Dialing]
[Ringing]
[Cellphone Rings]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Y'ello?
Yeah, uh, h-hey, Leon, uh...
I need you to come get me.
Well, I can't get over there right now.
I-I'm on a stakeout. Stakeout.
Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
[Cellphone Beeps]
NARRATOR: The woods and was poisonous?"
- Amen, brother.
- [Telephone Rings]
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan!
Listen, I-I blew a tire
and, uh, you know, no spare.
- [Scraping]
- [Grunting]
I'll be right there.
[Stan Grunts]
What's with you?
[Sighs]
Didn't this...
already happen?
What, me doing you favors
and you saying weird shit?
Yeah, that... That seems
vaguely familiar, yeah.
No, seriously, Stan, I...
You know what? Slow down.
Why, what are you gonna do,
give me a speeding ticket?
I'm not even speeding.
Seriously, Stan, just slow down.
You know... [Stammers]
Stop the car, stop the car!
[Tires Screech]
Oh, what the hell?
♪
You all right?
Okay.
You're gonna be okay.
We can help you, okay?
♪
I'm the sheriff.
Just tell me...
- [Gasps]
- [ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Thud]
♪
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan, I don't have time to explain.
I need you to come get me.
- [Scraping]
- [Grunts]
I'll be right there.
♪
Stop the car!
[Tires Screech]
Oh, what the hell?!
Don't move!
What the hell are you doing?
It's Wendy from "Peter Pan,"
for Christ's sake.
She got the nightgown,
the big eyes, the...
She got the whole thing.
Who are you,
and why did you kill me last time,
and why was there a last time
and a time before that?!
What the hell is going on?
He... He did not send you?
Who?
He is the one doing this.
He won't let me go.
- [Horn Honks]
- Evie, can we please wrap this up?
- I'm talking!
- Let's go!
You are Evie?
I'm afraid he wants you, too.
Who wants me?
[Twig Snaps, Crow Caws]
[Growls] [Screams]
[Screaming]
Come on! Ah.
[Screaming Continues]
I should have stayed home
and watched my snake show.
♪
Hello? Ms. Livingston?
Yes. My name is Denise Miller.
I'm calling with a very special offer
from White Power Tooth Cleaning.
N-No, no. It's...
No, it's... It's White
Power Tooth Cleaning,
not White Power tooth clea...
No, that is a very terrible name.
♪
[Woman Screams In Distance]
Oh, for Christ sake... Look at this.
Evie... a can of Schlitz beer.
They don't even make this stuff anymore.
It's probably worth something.
Well, that's a museum piece right the...
Oh, I'm swimming in butter today.
We got another one.
It's gonna be a challenge, but we can...
We can drink it. Ooh!
That's what I've been looking for.
Winne... Oh! It's got bees in it.
Well, you know, bees
traditionally love Schlitz,
but you know what to do to bees.
You collapse the can.
[Growling]
♪
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
[Scoffs]
Okay. Let's try this again.
[Thud]
♪
[Tires Screech]
- [Growls]
- [Screams]
Come on!
Should have stayed home.
♪
[Woman Screams In Distance]
♪
[Growls]
[Grunts]
[Body Thuds]
Jesus, Evie.
Say, uh, Evie, can I ask you
a personal question?
Exactly when would you
like to talk about
that crazy chick you just killed?
Stan, look at that.
♪
What in the hell does that say?
Aah! Oh, my God!
Man: It's all for the best.
[Gasps]
He was just slowin' you down.
Who are you?
I see you found my stick.
I hated parting with it,
but clearly, you needed it.
It's gonna make it easier
to deal with them.
Wait, you... you left this for me?
Oh, those two don't fight fair.
As it is...
we both stuck here.
[Dialing]
Hello! Mrs. Modig?
Yes. We're taking a survey.
Would you rather
have your teeth whitened
by "Mighty Whities," "Fun N' Gums,"
or "Good Times in Your Mouth"?
What?
Go... what myself?
The time loop...
I mean, surely, you notice it by now.
I mean, somethin's
supposed to happen today,
but it ain't gonna happen if you die.
Well...
Ain't gonna happen if that gal
from the forest dies, either,
'cause if any one of you dies...
I mean, we startin' all over again.
W-W-What is supposed to happen?
Well, you supposed to
destroy Constable Eccles.
I'm supposed to kill a guy
who's been dead for 400 years?
Well, if you continue
down this path here,
you're gonna find him very much alive.
Now, it ain't gonna be as simple
as a big stick to the head,
I'll tell you that right now.
[Dialing]
Oh, hello. Yes.
Is this the office of the Klu... Klux...
Oh, my God. Never mind. So...
[Groaning]
Terrible. Whew.
Now, the secret cemetery,
hmm, the one with
the 172 witches buried in it?
I know it.
Yeah, well, what you don't know
is there's 173 graves there.
And the last one...
it belongs to Eccles.
Although the nameplate
on it says, "Avner."
It's his way of hiding in plain sight.
Now, you must dig up the grave
and take out his eyes.
T-Take o...
[Laughs]
Wow.
Sorry, it's, uh... Just when I thought
things couldn't get any
weirder, you know...
The eyes of the grave
have seen his death.
And when they look into the soul,
then he will meet his true end,
and the time will close
once and for all.
And...
and my friend... He'll be okay?
To save him, you're gonna have
to go back to the beginning.
How?
I don't know.
Although you could kill yourself.
Great.
Oh, don't worry, gal.
You in luck!
[Screeching]
[ "Spanish Flea" Plays]
God damn it!
[Thud]
NARRATOR: The baby rattler
emerges from its leathery egg,
seeking maternal comfort and murder.
Been there, done that. [Sighs]
[Telephone Rings]
Yeah?
Hey, Stan, um, listen...
I don't... I don't have time to explain,
but, uh, I need a big favor.
- No, today's not a very good day.
- DENISE: Oh, crap!
[Grunts]
It's no problem.
I can leave immediately.
Kevin: Hey there, Sheriff.
Kevin.
Want to see a dead body?
Little cemetery humor.
I'm looking for a grave marked "Avner."
You know about that?
Know about what?
Well, the... the town ledger
has 172 people burned
for witchcraft buried here
and, you know, over there.
But there's 173 graves,
and "Avner" is the one
name not in the ledger.
Where is it?
Say, Kev, those are fabulous.
[Chuckles] Come on.
[Sighs]
There it is... Avner.
Well, uh...
whatever happens from here on out
is none of my business.
Yeah, you, uh... You go ahead
and get us started,
and I, uh... I'll be back in a jiff.
[Groans]
[Grunts]
[Groans]
That's the thing about Hendrix
is he only made three albums,
and "Band of Gypsys" was live.
Now, Bootsy Collins...
[Shovel Thuds]
I think we're here.
Now, you see what happens
when we work together?
You didn't...
I did all the diggin'.
Now, don't be conceited, Kevo.
It's not flattering.
Now, see if you can hump that thing up.
I'm gonna go find a place
to throw this out.
I'm all about the environment.
[Sighs]
[Shovel Clangs]
[Coffin Creaking]
[Grunts]
[Sighs]
Outstanding effort, Kevo.
Outstanding.
[Sighs]
All right.
Let's open it up.
[Both Grunting]
Ooh.
I have one last favor
there, little buddy.
Reach in there and pinch out
those eyeballs for me.
Here we go.
Here you go.
Did you get the eyes?
I, uh... I went ahead
and brought you the whole head.
I figured you'd want
to take the eyes out yourself.
Gee, thanks.
[Car Door Closes]
Now I'm the asshole? Give me a break.
All right, any second now,
we should see, like,
a-a crazy-looking girl
run out into the road.
[Scoffs] What else is new?
You know, when I was a wee tot...
Just when we see her,
I need you to take her home, okay?
And do what with her, give her a job?
Can she fix things? She good with tools?
S-Slam on your brakes.
Why? Slam on your brakes!
I don't see any... Hey! You...
[Tires Screech] For the love of God!
[Crashing, Glass Shatters]
♪
[Groans]
[Breathing Heavily]
♪
[Thud]
Jell-O.
♪
[Grunting]
Take that.
Ah, bring it to the car.
[Tires Screech]
♪
Okay, little nightgown girl...
Why don't you go ahead and drop that
knife you got tucked in there, huh?
Drop it, drop it.
- Let it go.
- [Knife Clangs]
Perfect, perfect.
You follow directions very well, Wendy.
You're a lot more
dangerous than you look.
Watch your head. There you go.
Speaking of heads...
[Engine Starts]
And we're good.
Heading off with the head,
asked for the eyes.
♪
[Growling]
So, uh...
You from around here?
What would you say you do for fun?
Praying. You pray.
Boy, that's fun.
That's a goddamn barrel of monkeys.
My friend Steve... He prayed a lot.
Steve's dead... horrible tragedy.
Taken away too young,
like all the great ones.
Janis, Jim Morrison.
Oh.
Mark Smith from a county over.
He's a stone mason.
[Birds Chirping]
♪
Evie!
Did you bring the eyes?
Well...
brought the head.
It comes with eyes.
This way.
♪
Uh...
♪
Evie.
[Laughs Maniacally]
Ah.
Thank you for the eyes.
[Laughs]
No, no, no, no.
Go slow.
[Evie Grunts]
See, you got a nasty bump, there.
Where am I?
Relax, dear.
All is as it should be.
[Grunts]
I got my eyes now.
♪
I was able to close the time loop.
Your eyes?
[Irish Accent] And my dear daughter...
Constance is her name, by the way.
She's in your time now,
safe from those who would
use her to destroy me.
What do you mean, "My time"?
And with her there and you here...
I thought you might like to see
what happened to Constance's mother.
[Groans]
- No!
- [Wind Howls]
Evelyn Barret...
as Constable of Willard's Mill Township,
I, Thaddeus Eccles, accuse you
of the crime of witchcraft.
[Indistinct Shouting]
No.
No.
No!
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers!
Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time,
man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived alone
in the woods
and was poisonous?"
[Tv Turns Off]
Mm.
♪
Something ain't right.