Stan Against Evil (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Spider-Walk with Me - full transcript
[Crickets Chirping, Animal Howls]
♪
_
[Indistinct Whispering]
[Hissing, Snarling]
♪
[Door Opens]
♪
[Sighs]
[Hissing]
Ahh!
[Growling]
[Whimpers]
Aah!
[Grunts]
[Groans]
♪
Aah!
♪
[Birds Chirping]
_
[Sighs]
Huh. Uh.
[Puzzle Pieces Clatter]
She won't care.
Oh.
Are you kidding me?
- [Jar Clatters]
- I wish I was dead.
[Sighs]
[Knock On Door]
[Groans]
Oh. Hello.
Is this the, um, Miller residence?
Ah.
You're just in time.
I'm leaving.
[Lock Clicks]
What are you, a Jehovah's Witness?
Well, God's dead, so hit the bricks.
Uh, I'd like to speak to Mrs. Miller.
She's in heaven. [Chuckles]
How can you believe in
heaven and not in God?
I believe in McDonald's,
but I know damn sure
Ronald ain't for real.
But if Mrs. Miller passed away...
what's fighting the
demons of Willard's Mill?
Oh, get in the God damn car.
EVIE: No, sweetie.
Because you won't have
midriff until you're 21.
That's why you can't wear it. Okay.
Love you, too. Bye.
Go, uh... Go ahead.
Tell her what you told me.
My name's Andrew Barton.
I'm from Putney, Vermont.
Huh! Figures.
I'm researching for a book on
the history of Willard's Mill.
I know about the witch
burnings and Constable Eccles
and the curse on the
sheriffs of this town.
[Laughs] See?
Cuckoo bananas. Nerd.
You know, "Nerd" isn't really
the insult it used to be.
Uh, yeah, right.
Look, there's just too
little carnage in this town
for so much demonic infestation.
Someone's been fighting
the demons of Willard's Mill,
and I think that person is your wife...
Claire Miller.
Evie, watch this...
You, sir, are a nerd.
The guy's bulletproof.
[Clears Throat]
What he's saying is that you
seem like a very nice man,
you know, but I think maybe
you spent a little too much time
on the old Internet.
I search purchases for
books on the occult...
Sumerian artifacts, weaponry.
Who in a town like this
would want to amass such an armory?
♪
Apparently, someone named Claire Miller.
♪
Well...
Claire Miller is no longer with us.
So...
Then who?
♪
[Door Creaks]
My puzzle!
[Cellphone Rings]
♪
[Cellphone Beeps]
Hello?
You what?
Your... your puzzle.
No, I-I didn't...
Oh.
- Sweetheart, calm down. I, uh...
- Stan's daughter.
Oh. Stan has a daughter?
You know, actually... calm down.
I... I'm pretty sure
I know what happened.
W-When I left the house,
I spotted an owl who was flying around,
and he's the one who probably
tore your puzzle apart.
You know how owls just...
They can't abide puzzles, sweetheart.
They... They hate 'em...
it pushes all their buttons.
It's all over the nature channels.
I tell you what you do,
if this would be any relief,
Google "owl puzzles."
Yeah. That'll do the trick.
Go get 'em. Okay. Bye.
[Cellphone Beeps]
♪
[Hissing]
[Snarling]
♪
[Snarling]
[Hiss]
ANDREW: No!
No! No, no, no!
No! No!
[Gurgling]
[Screams]
It's so kind of you
to take me in like this.
I really would have been
fine in the hospital.
That's what I said. Thank her.
Oh, no.
I wasn't gonna let you stay
in that gross, old hospital.
I found you, which makes
you my responsibility.
Hey. Sorry to just barge in like this.
Are you really?
Meh.
Andrew, I need to ask you
a few more questions
about that thing you say attacked you.
"Thing"?
I never said a "thing" attacked me.
I said a demon attacked me.
Why are you still acting
like this is a secret?
I know what's going on.
Oh, we can make a dump cake.
Okay, Andrew...
I thought Denise took over
for Claire when she died...
but no way.
That leaves the two of you.
I think it's time we
all came clean, yeah?
Mr. Miller... your wife assembled
an armory of weapons information.
Show me where it is.
Stan?
Evie, the guy looks like popcorn
and he smells like cod,
and now he won't clam.
Give me a break.
I swear to God...
[Sighs]
[Door Creaks]
There you go.
Oh, my God.
♪
There! That's it.
That's the thing that attacked me!
But how do we kill it?
How do we read this stuff?
[Whistles]
Let me see tha...
Uh, uh, uh... This is my wife's.
Oh, sorry.
Back off.
Huh.
It says...
you kill it by cutting its head off
with... with that thing.
This one?
♪
Gee, who'd have thought cuttin'
its head off would kill it?
♪
Well, it looks like you guys
got this under control.
I'm out of here.
What?
No. You have to come.
No, I don't.
It's all good.
♪
Now, Stan, are you sure...
Bye. Okay.
What are you doing?
Turning this cake into a
puzzle that's made of cake...
That's a puzzle that's made of cake.
Sweetheart, come with me, will ya?
I, uh... I need your help.
Can I bring my cake?
Absolutely.
Come on.
Yes!
[Engine Shuts Off]
EVIE: Well, I had kind of a bad
experience here the last time.
Is this where you were married?
[Laughs Sarcastically] Very funny.
[Flashlight Clicks]
[Groans]
Great.
On this spot in 1919,
Father Charles Milton was killed.
Milton knew about Eccles and his plan...
to found a colony of witches
and turn Willard's Mill into a portal
from the Land of Shadows
to the Land of Light.
Milton tried to stop it
but didn't get very far.
If you read the reports of his death,
it's obvious he was
killed by the very demon
we're seeking to destroy.
Yeah. Okay.
And what makes you so sure
it's down here?
[Laughs]
Trust me.
[Gurgling]
Oh, shit.
Aah!
ANDREW: "Come into my parlor,"
said the spider to fly.
"Tis the prettiest little
parlor that you ever did spy."
[Groans]
God, really?!
[Laughs]
- [Singsong Voice] Evie...
- [Grunts]
We're going away now.
[Laughs]
[Grunts]
I mean, it took you long
enough to figure it out.
Guess who attacked me, Evie?
I did.
[Scoffs]
I bit the shit out of myself.
It really hurt.
[Laughs]
And just like that, you gave me access
to a room that holds more power
than your mortal brain
could ever comprehend.
- [Hisses]
- Aah!
And what I will do
with that knowledge...
That you should live to see.
Get away from me!
Well, then again...
- [Laughs]
- Ugh.
[Whimpers]
[Howls]
♪
[Muffled] We don't got a lot of time.
Pick it up, sister.
♪
[Normal Voice]
All right, you're all set.
- You understand the plan?
- Yeah, I got the plan.
Okay.
Is there more to the plan,
or do I just sit here?
I'm gonna go ahead go
and write it down for you.
Okay.
[Mirror Creaks]
♪
[Door Opens]
[Door Creaks]
Mr. Miller?
♪
[Door Creaks]
What?
No! No!
[Groans]
[Breathing Heavily]
I had a feeling you'd show up.
[Groans, Hisses]
Where is it, Stan?
I want the weapons!
I want the books!
I want that stone!
I'm gonna go easy on ya...
[Knuckles Crack]
'Cause you're just a little guy.
♪
[Breathing Heavily]
[Hisses]
♪
[Groans]
Whoa.
Wow.
What just happened?
I... I was about to kick your ass!
♪
Where are we?
♪
Huh? This heaven?
♪
Is Claire here?
Oh, shit.
Should've done my laundry.
My shirt smells like low tide
at Asshole Beach.
Claire hates Asshole Beach.
[Brakes Squeal]
[Brakes Squeal]
Oh.
[Indistinct Whispering]
STAN: Evie?
Who are the Greek-chorus assholes?
What, are you, dead, too?
Hey, tough guy.
If this is heaven... where is everybody?
Where's John Wayne?
Where's Frank Sinatra?
Hey, Evie, did you hear that?
We're gonna see Ol' Blue Eyes.
God damn, I hope it's a young Frank.
You're not dead yet.
This is the Land of Shadows, Mr. Miller,
where the victims of
Constable Eccles are brought
until we're sent back
to the Land of Light,
where our souls and bodies
are bound to a demon,
and then we're sent back
to the surface to kill,
the way I was sent to kill you.
Ha! How'd that work out for you?
Stan.
Ah, I see your point.
But I've done one better.
I've brought you back alive...
the last two sheriffs of Willard's Mill.
And I'm gonna use your
lives to buy back my soul.
I should have punched you
right in the esophagus
when I had a chance.
Hey, he put me in a web...
sticky, gross.
Oh, I'd kill a rattlesnake with a rock,
but no way José on the spiders.
STAN: Leave a message.
[Beep] Hey, Dad.
I know you said,
"Go to the storage space
and then come straight home.
But then I thought,
"What if I got a tattoo?"
[Exhales Sharply]
Great idea, right?
I mean, I'm the only person
who doesn't have a tattoo,
so then I thought Wh... [Beep]
[Groans]
Damn it.
[Dialing, Ringing]
Leave a message.
Hey, Dad. It's Denise.
So, I know I you said,
"Go to the storage unit,
and then come straight home."
- But then I thought Wh...
- [Beeps]
- W-what is happening?
- [Dialing]
- [Groans]
- [Ringing]
Leave a message.
Hey, Dad. It's Denise. [Chuckles]
So, I know you said...
♪
ANDREW: He'll be here soon.
Who?
Constable Eccles...
And I'll walk in the light once more.
STAN: Hey.
Where are you assholes going?
♪
And then what, Andrew?
What about them,
the other members of The Colony?
Oh, they'll come after me.
That's why the first order of business
will be killing your daughter
and reclaiming the armory
that your wife assembled.
So then once you've returned,
you'll start hunting Eccles'
demons like we have?
Precisely.
Think of it... Me, the one mortal
with the knowledge to eradicate
the vile coven of Eccles
and his minions forever.
What do you suppose the good people
of Willard's Mill will
think of me them, hmm?
Say, butch...
You might want to go ahead
and ask them yourself.
♪
No!!
[Groans]
♪
[Gasps]
[Breathing Heavily]
That... That just happened, right?
Yeah.
[Coughs]
Christ.
[Cellphone Chimes]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Huh.
DENISE: Hey, Dad. I know you said,
"Go to the storage space,
and then come straight home."
But then I thought,
"What if I got a tattoo?"
[Exhales Sharply] Great idea, right?
I mean, I'm the only person
who doesn't have a tattoo,
so then I thought...
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Huh.
My spawn.
So, she...
♪
[Insects Chirping]
Andrew Barton, right there.
I... I didn't even think
to check, you know?
By the time I realized something,
I was in a spider web.
Yep.
I told you to look in the ledger.
No, you didn't.
- I did so.
- Stan.
[Door Opens, Closes]
Hey.
Anything interesting
happen while I was gone?
- Not so, uh...
- Not so much, right?
No.
Tell you what, tomorrow,
we just go down to the storage
and get all your mother's stuff out.
Oh, my God.
I completely spaced on that.
I beg your pardon?
I told you to go stra...
I wrote it down for you,
for the love of Christ.
- What'd you do? Where you been?
- [Sighs]
I-I don't know.
What... What's the inside scoop?
Maybe I was busy growing!
Go grow in your room.
[Groans]
Single father.
It's all on me now.
God help us all.
Here, dealer's choice... Take a spin.
This is a big day for me.
Yeah, it is. Welcome aboard.
[Sighs]
♪
Yeah.
♪
_
[Indistinct Whispering]
[Hissing, Snarling]
♪
[Door Opens]
♪
[Sighs]
[Hissing]
Ahh!
[Growling]
[Whimpers]
Aah!
[Grunts]
[Groans]
♪
Aah!
♪
[Birds Chirping]
_
[Sighs]
Huh. Uh.
[Puzzle Pieces Clatter]
She won't care.
Oh.
Are you kidding me?
- [Jar Clatters]
- I wish I was dead.
[Sighs]
[Knock On Door]
[Groans]
Oh. Hello.
Is this the, um, Miller residence?
Ah.
You're just in time.
I'm leaving.
[Lock Clicks]
What are you, a Jehovah's Witness?
Well, God's dead, so hit the bricks.
Uh, I'd like to speak to Mrs. Miller.
She's in heaven. [Chuckles]
How can you believe in
heaven and not in God?
I believe in McDonald's,
but I know damn sure
Ronald ain't for real.
But if Mrs. Miller passed away...
what's fighting the
demons of Willard's Mill?
Oh, get in the God damn car.
EVIE: No, sweetie.
Because you won't have
midriff until you're 21.
That's why you can't wear it. Okay.
Love you, too. Bye.
Go, uh... Go ahead.
Tell her what you told me.
My name's Andrew Barton.
I'm from Putney, Vermont.
Huh! Figures.
I'm researching for a book on
the history of Willard's Mill.
I know about the witch
burnings and Constable Eccles
and the curse on the
sheriffs of this town.
[Laughs] See?
Cuckoo bananas. Nerd.
You know, "Nerd" isn't really
the insult it used to be.
Uh, yeah, right.
Look, there's just too
little carnage in this town
for so much demonic infestation.
Someone's been fighting
the demons of Willard's Mill,
and I think that person is your wife...
Claire Miller.
Evie, watch this...
You, sir, are a nerd.
The guy's bulletproof.
[Clears Throat]
What he's saying is that you
seem like a very nice man,
you know, but I think maybe
you spent a little too much time
on the old Internet.
I search purchases for
books on the occult...
Sumerian artifacts, weaponry.
Who in a town like this
would want to amass such an armory?
♪
Apparently, someone named Claire Miller.
♪
Well...
Claire Miller is no longer with us.
So...
Then who?
♪
[Door Creaks]
My puzzle!
[Cellphone Rings]
♪
[Cellphone Beeps]
Hello?
You what?
Your... your puzzle.
No, I-I didn't...
Oh.
- Sweetheart, calm down. I, uh...
- Stan's daughter.
Oh. Stan has a daughter?
You know, actually... calm down.
I... I'm pretty sure
I know what happened.
W-When I left the house,
I spotted an owl who was flying around,
and he's the one who probably
tore your puzzle apart.
You know how owls just...
They can't abide puzzles, sweetheart.
They... They hate 'em...
it pushes all their buttons.
It's all over the nature channels.
I tell you what you do,
if this would be any relief,
Google "owl puzzles."
Yeah. That'll do the trick.
Go get 'em. Okay. Bye.
[Cellphone Beeps]
♪
[Hissing]
[Snarling]
♪
[Snarling]
[Hiss]
ANDREW: No!
No! No, no, no!
No! No!
[Gurgling]
[Screams]
It's so kind of you
to take me in like this.
I really would have been
fine in the hospital.
That's what I said. Thank her.
Oh, no.
I wasn't gonna let you stay
in that gross, old hospital.
I found you, which makes
you my responsibility.
Hey. Sorry to just barge in like this.
Are you really?
Meh.
Andrew, I need to ask you
a few more questions
about that thing you say attacked you.
"Thing"?
I never said a "thing" attacked me.
I said a demon attacked me.
Why are you still acting
like this is a secret?
I know what's going on.
Oh, we can make a dump cake.
Okay, Andrew...
I thought Denise took over
for Claire when she died...
but no way.
That leaves the two of you.
I think it's time we
all came clean, yeah?
Mr. Miller... your wife assembled
an armory of weapons information.
Show me where it is.
Stan?
Evie, the guy looks like popcorn
and he smells like cod,
and now he won't clam.
Give me a break.
I swear to God...
[Sighs]
[Door Creaks]
There you go.
Oh, my God.
♪
There! That's it.
That's the thing that attacked me!
But how do we kill it?
How do we read this stuff?
[Whistles]
Let me see tha...
Uh, uh, uh... This is my wife's.
Oh, sorry.
Back off.
Huh.
It says...
you kill it by cutting its head off
with... with that thing.
This one?
♪
Gee, who'd have thought cuttin'
its head off would kill it?
♪
Well, it looks like you guys
got this under control.
I'm out of here.
What?
No. You have to come.
No, I don't.
It's all good.
♪
Now, Stan, are you sure...
Bye. Okay.
What are you doing?
Turning this cake into a
puzzle that's made of cake...
That's a puzzle that's made of cake.
Sweetheart, come with me, will ya?
I, uh... I need your help.
Can I bring my cake?
Absolutely.
Come on.
Yes!
[Engine Shuts Off]
EVIE: Well, I had kind of a bad
experience here the last time.
Is this where you were married?
[Laughs Sarcastically] Very funny.
[Flashlight Clicks]
[Groans]
Great.
On this spot in 1919,
Father Charles Milton was killed.
Milton knew about Eccles and his plan...
to found a colony of witches
and turn Willard's Mill into a portal
from the Land of Shadows
to the Land of Light.
Milton tried to stop it
but didn't get very far.
If you read the reports of his death,
it's obvious he was
killed by the very demon
we're seeking to destroy.
Yeah. Okay.
And what makes you so sure
it's down here?
[Laughs]
Trust me.
[Gurgling]
Oh, shit.
Aah!
ANDREW: "Come into my parlor,"
said the spider to fly.
"Tis the prettiest little
parlor that you ever did spy."
[Groans]
God, really?!
[Laughs]
- [Singsong Voice] Evie...
- [Grunts]
We're going away now.
[Laughs]
[Grunts]
I mean, it took you long
enough to figure it out.
Guess who attacked me, Evie?
I did.
[Scoffs]
I bit the shit out of myself.
It really hurt.
[Laughs]
And just like that, you gave me access
to a room that holds more power
than your mortal brain
could ever comprehend.
- [Hisses]
- Aah!
And what I will do
with that knowledge...
That you should live to see.
Get away from me!
Well, then again...
- [Laughs]
- Ugh.
[Whimpers]
[Howls]
♪
[Muffled] We don't got a lot of time.
Pick it up, sister.
♪
[Normal Voice]
All right, you're all set.
- You understand the plan?
- Yeah, I got the plan.
Okay.
Is there more to the plan,
or do I just sit here?
I'm gonna go ahead go
and write it down for you.
Okay.
[Mirror Creaks]
♪
[Door Opens]
[Door Creaks]
Mr. Miller?
♪
[Door Creaks]
What?
No! No!
[Groans]
[Breathing Heavily]
I had a feeling you'd show up.
[Groans, Hisses]
Where is it, Stan?
I want the weapons!
I want the books!
I want that stone!
I'm gonna go easy on ya...
[Knuckles Crack]
'Cause you're just a little guy.
♪
[Breathing Heavily]
[Hisses]
♪
[Groans]
Whoa.
Wow.
What just happened?
I... I was about to kick your ass!
♪
Where are we?
♪
Huh? This heaven?
♪
Is Claire here?
Oh, shit.
Should've done my laundry.
My shirt smells like low tide
at Asshole Beach.
Claire hates Asshole Beach.
[Brakes Squeal]
[Brakes Squeal]
Oh.
[Indistinct Whispering]
STAN: Evie?
Who are the Greek-chorus assholes?
What, are you, dead, too?
Hey, tough guy.
If this is heaven... where is everybody?
Where's John Wayne?
Where's Frank Sinatra?
Hey, Evie, did you hear that?
We're gonna see Ol' Blue Eyes.
God damn, I hope it's a young Frank.
You're not dead yet.
This is the Land of Shadows, Mr. Miller,
where the victims of
Constable Eccles are brought
until we're sent back
to the Land of Light,
where our souls and bodies
are bound to a demon,
and then we're sent back
to the surface to kill,
the way I was sent to kill you.
Ha! How'd that work out for you?
Stan.
Ah, I see your point.
But I've done one better.
I've brought you back alive...
the last two sheriffs of Willard's Mill.
And I'm gonna use your
lives to buy back my soul.
I should have punched you
right in the esophagus
when I had a chance.
Hey, he put me in a web...
sticky, gross.
Oh, I'd kill a rattlesnake with a rock,
but no way José on the spiders.
STAN: Leave a message.
[Beep] Hey, Dad.
I know you said,
"Go to the storage space
and then come straight home.
But then I thought,
"What if I got a tattoo?"
[Exhales Sharply]
Great idea, right?
I mean, I'm the only person
who doesn't have a tattoo,
so then I thought Wh... [Beep]
[Groans]
Damn it.
[Dialing, Ringing]
Leave a message.
Hey, Dad. It's Denise.
So, I know I you said,
"Go to the storage unit,
and then come straight home."
- But then I thought Wh...
- [Beeps]
- W-what is happening?
- [Dialing]
- [Groans]
- [Ringing]
Leave a message.
Hey, Dad. It's Denise. [Chuckles]
So, I know you said...
♪
ANDREW: He'll be here soon.
Who?
Constable Eccles...
And I'll walk in the light once more.
STAN: Hey.
Where are you assholes going?
♪
And then what, Andrew?
What about them,
the other members of The Colony?
Oh, they'll come after me.
That's why the first order of business
will be killing your daughter
and reclaiming the armory
that your wife assembled.
So then once you've returned,
you'll start hunting Eccles'
demons like we have?
Precisely.
Think of it... Me, the one mortal
with the knowledge to eradicate
the vile coven of Eccles
and his minions forever.
What do you suppose the good people
of Willard's Mill will
think of me them, hmm?
Say, butch...
You might want to go ahead
and ask them yourself.
♪
No!!
[Groans]
♪
[Gasps]
[Breathing Heavily]
That... That just happened, right?
Yeah.
[Coughs]
Christ.
[Cellphone Chimes]
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Huh.
DENISE: Hey, Dad. I know you said,
"Go to the storage space,
and then come straight home."
But then I thought,
"What if I got a tattoo?"
[Exhales Sharply] Great idea, right?
I mean, I'm the only person
who doesn't have a tattoo,
so then I thought...
- [Cellphone Beeps]
- Huh.
My spawn.
So, she...
♪
[Insects Chirping]
Andrew Barton, right there.
I... I didn't even think
to check, you know?
By the time I realized something,
I was in a spider web.
Yep.
I told you to look in the ledger.
No, you didn't.
- I did so.
- Stan.
[Door Opens, Closes]
Hey.
Anything interesting
happen while I was gone?
- Not so, uh...
- Not so much, right?
No.
Tell you what, tomorrow,
we just go down to the storage
and get all your mother's stuff out.
Oh, my God.
I completely spaced on that.
I beg your pardon?
I told you to go stra...
I wrote it down for you,
for the love of Christ.
- What'd you do? Where you been?
- [Sighs]
I-I don't know.
What... What's the inside scoop?
Maybe I was busy growing!
Go grow in your room.
[Groans]
Single father.
It's all on me now.
God help us all.
Here, dealer's choice... Take a spin.
This is a big day for me.
Yeah, it is. Welcome aboard.
[Sighs]
♪
Yeah.