Stan Against Evil (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Larva My Life - full transcript

Holy sh...

Aaaah! Aah!

All right, Lenny. Move it along.

What's the charge?

Disturbing the peace.

Peace? You call this peace?!
It's hypnosis!

These people aren't alive!

They've been bought off
with toaster ovens

and push-button phones!

Go home to your wife, Lenny.

All right. Can you help me down?



I-I tweaked my back the other day.

- Oh, no.
- Aah!

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

Thank... You're very sweet.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Very sweet.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

Ha-ha-ha... ha.

I'm gonna go get some soup.

All right. I'll bite.

Oh, that is Leonard Walinsky,

the town gorilla.

- Say what, now?
- Leonard Walinsky

was the number-one
birthday-party gorilla



in New Hampshire...
booked out years in advance.

So, what happened?

One year, little Sally O'Brien...

nice girl, but she didn't want

a gorilla at her birthday party.

She wanted a princess.

Everyone thought she was crazy,

but she went ahead with it.

The party was a smash, and then
everybody wanted a princess.

And that?

That was the end of Leonard Walinsky.

It's a pretty sad story.

I'm surprised you haven't
heard it by now.

I don't know. I bet
every town's got a gorilla,

and every gorilla has the same story.

Tucker Fong's Curiosity Pagoda?

What happened to the erotic bakery?

Caligula's Fist?

Ooh, they closed.

Aww. I loved their sticky buns.

Let's check this out.

Oh, man.

This is so cool.

I should get this for Grace.

You... You must be Tucker.

Uh, how... h-how much is, uh, is that?

Is gift?

For my daughter.
H-Her birthday is Sunday.

No, no.

This not for your daughter.

This for your friend.

Uh, f-for my... friend?

Angry man. Always yelling.

Oh! How do you know Stan?

Stan! Yes, Stan! Stan Miller!

- Yeah.
- This for him.

Huh.

I find something else for your daughter.

I come back.

Yep, it's Lenny.

He's in front of the post office

yelling about getting
the band back together.

Well, nothing illegal about that.

He's also having sex with a mailbox.

Let's roll.

Isn't this a job for the feds?

So, let me get this straight.

In your America, a fake gorilla

and a mailbox can't get together.

Good to know! Good to know!

Sheriff! Help!

- Ohh!
- Help!

No, no, no, no.

- Help!
- What are you doing here?

Our daughter's birthday's on Sunday.

Yeah, that's why you're taking her

to see her grandparents next weekend.

Right, which now I can't.

- Great.
- Don't. Don't.

- Listen.
- Mm-hmm?

I'm in love.

Ohh. Congratulations!

- Thank you.
- Okay, well...

No, I'm not...
There's not a hug happening.

She's in this band
called The Indigo Girls,

and I'm following them
around this summer.

Wh... Did you at least get her a gift?

- We technically haven't met.
- Your daughter!

- Did I get her a gift?!
- Yeah!

- W... My God.
- You did?!

- Yes. Now...
- What'd ya get her?

Okay, imagine the look
on our daughter's face

when I hand her the keys
to her very own...

storage unit.

It's in Maine.

And they say you're not
supposed to live there,

but those people never check, so...

- She's 11. Well, you know
- I'm not good at this!

All right. You see
that little gift shop?

The shopkeeper is in the middle

of picking something
real nice out for her.

You go, get it. Take the credit.
It's fine.

Where you staying?

Well, the easiest thing
would be just to...

- No. Don't. No wrestling.
- Please.

I love you!

"Kumbhakarna."

"Kum... bha..."

Dude!

I'm not home.

You got me.

Oh, man.

Hey. L-L-Listen there... there, Kenny.

A-After that whole thing in the bar...

Wait, wait. Before
you say anything else...

I've come to make amends.

- You got sober?
- No.

But there's a new thing
called Drunk Sobriety.

It's... It's like being sober,
but you can still drink.

I'm listening.

- Ah!
- That ain't all bad.

Oh! I got you something.

I almost forgot.

Huh.

Come he-r-r-r-re.

This is for you.

What in the hell is that?

I made this for you.

I'm not gonna lie.

With these hands.

I have a porcelain tree.

What the hell is it?

- What is this?
- I don't want it.

- Really?
- Eh.

C-Can I have it?

Yeah, think, uh...

Think of it as... my gift to you.

Ohh.

Stan.

I know. I know.

Well, like I said...

I just... I just dropped by
to say hello.

Oh.

I-I don't... I don't want
to impose or anything.

No, you c...

Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, n...

Don't shave my head and paint me.

Don't... Don't shave
my head and paint me.

Soon they will destroy Tokyo!

Like you destroyed us?

Really, Cheryl? Now?

Dad, why is there a man in my bed?

Oh, yeah, that's, uh...
that's Evie's ex-husband.

Why is he covered in cobwebs?

I beg your pardon?

What in the hell?

Like Grand Central Station in this dump.

- Where is Stan?
- Where is Stan?

What?

- Where is Stan?
- Where is Stan?

I'm Stan!

- Then who has the relic?
- Then who has the relic?

- Whee!
- Whee!

Anybody know what's going on here?

- The relic was for you.
- The relic was for you.

Yeah, well, I didn't want it.
What's with all the cobwebs?

- They're not cobs.
- They're not cobs.

- Catty-pilly silkies.
- Catty-pilly silkies.

- He's transforming.
- He's transforming.

Anyway, your ex-husband's
here uninvited again,

and he's turning into a caterpillar.

No, that's it. Hasta luego.

I'm going out. When I return, I
assume I will have my room back.

- Where ya goin'?
- I am taking these downtown

to the miniature Willard's Mill display.

- Who's doing that?
- Chamber of Commerce.

They want the town
to be known for something

other than, you know,
people being burned alive.

Oh, I see, so being burned alive's

not good enough for 'em, huh?

Everybody liked it fine back in my day!

Ken says you may leave, but leave now.

- You stay.
- Eww.

Bibi! Fifi! I need you!

- Whee!
- Whee!

I got here as fast as I could.

Evie, is that you?! Come in here!

Hahh...

What did you do?!

Why do you always assume
it's something I did?

- You're upsetting him!
- You're upsetting him!

Easy, girls. It's okay. It's okay.

You must love this.

They are adorable, aren't they?

They'll do anything I say. Watch this.

And... wrestle!

No, no, no. No, no, no, it's okay.

We don't need to see them wrestle.

I'm a big wrestling guy.

He who possesses the relic

will transform into a caterpillar.

But it was not for Ken. It was for Stan.

That's right!

- The shopkeeper wanted you to have it.
- Oh.

And then Stan would
transform and ingest you!

- Ew.
- Pfft!

Okay, so the shopkeeper
is a demon sent by Eccles?

Oh. What happens next?

Well, I'll tell you what happens next.

I eat Stan, and then
you and I merge as one.

Evie, together we are
gonna make a gorgeous moth.

No, Kenny.

Together we are not going
to make a gorgeous moth.

Evie, you are gonna
love it in my cocoon.

Well, Kenny, I'm not
getting in your cocoon.

You're already in my cocoon.

This whole house is my cocoon!

Oh-ho-ho! Cocoon!

Stan, the windows.

This whole house is my cocoon!

Oh, run if you want!
You're in my cocoon!

- You can never escape!
- You can never escape!

Yeah, sure thing, gals.

- Whee!
- Whee!

Evie, let's go.

We should change that to

"You can escape,
but only if you want to!"

Well, I guess we should tell him.

Or not.

- I don't really feel like it.
- Yeah, I'm not into it.

Here we go.

- Where is he?
- Where is who?

The other shopkeeper.

There is no other shopkeeper.

Yeah, the guy in the silk robe
with the long, white beard.

Oh, that's our sister store,
Tired Asian Stereotypes.

It's just down the block. Wow! What?!

What did he try to do,
sell you a gremlin?

- Okay. I beg your pardon?
- Well, Evie, he's got a point.

You... Same old Japanese guy
from those Kung Fu movies, huh?

- Kung fu is Chinese.
- Eh, same thing.

- It really isn't.
- No, it's not.

Ah, d... I know that!

Just tryin' to make him lose his cool

so that he'll reveal
whether or not he's a demon.

Ohh!

- I'm not a demon.
- Oh, yeah, huh?

Only one way to figure out
whether you're a demon or not,

'cause a demon would
never let me do this.

Well, he ain't a demon.
That's for damn sure.

Would you like to press charges
against Mr. Miller?

Yes, I would.

Eh. Okay.

So he's not a demon, but we know
now that there was one.

If the answer's not in there,

it's gotta be
in Claire's library, right?

Let's go.

Hold on! I need to file a report.

Ah, no, no, Leon, you don't
need to file a report.

This gentleman has done
absolutely nothing wrong.

I know that! He's filing
a report against you!

Well, if he's willing to apologize,

I'll forget the whole thing.

- Why should I apologize?
- Fair enough.

I'll be the bigger man
and just walk away.

So, what happened to the erotic bakery?

♪ There's a radio inside of me ♪

♪ It wants to play a song
if I can think of one ♪

♪ I find I have so much to say ♪

♪ And music starts to play ♪

♪ But words there come none ♪

♪ Because my thoughts
get caught in my mouth ♪

♪ My thoughts get caught in my mouth ♪

♪ I can swallow them back down ♪

♪ But they'll only turn around
when I'm thinking of you ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm thinking of you ♪

♪ My thoughts get caught ♪

♪ In my m-o-o-outh ♪

♪ In my m-o-o-outh ♪

Ohh...

Okay. I'm gonna go straight
for Claire's library.

You just buy me as much time as you can.

Got it.

Ugh.

So I said, "You have
got to get insurance."

Oh, I know. Okay.

Four kids, a cat, and a skateboard?

- Hello?
- He's too old for skateboarding.

Try telling him that.

Hiii...

Mary-Kate, Ashley.

Ken is no longer here.

Stan! He's not here.
I just talked to Leon.

We gotta get back downtown.

Hi, guys...

Ken has achieved perfection
and left the cocoon.

Is there a way to break the curse, uh,

without hurting Ken?

All his power is held in the relic.

Destroy the relic,
and you end the curse.

Ohh! Fantastic! Where's the relic?

He ate it.

Nothing was ever easy with him.

- Run!
- Here! Take my hand!

Keep moving!

This way! This way!

Oh, good God!

Miniature Willard's Mill!

Ken, no!

We've got to figure out
how to get that relic out!

Ah, you could hold him down, and
I could cut open his stomach.

- That's your solution to everything.
- Yeah.

No, we need... What's that stuff
that makes you throw up?

- That guy on Bravo?
- No! The liquid!

Ipecac! We need a lot of that.

Oh, I have two Super Soakers
full of spoilt milk in my car.

- I'll go get 'em.
- Make it quick!

It won't be long before

all of miniature
Willard's Mill is destroyed!

Look sharp!

Okay, try to get as much liquid
in his mouth as you can.

Ready...

aim...

fire!

Lenny! No!

Ugh. I've seen Kenny
when he's like this.

Well, not like this.

We got to evacuate the city!

Whose shoes are these?!

Oof!

I can't find my harmonica!

Damn it! I can't get a clear shot!

Nature finds a balance.

Let them fight.

Ohh!

This is like a nightmare.

- Honey, let's go.
- Is it dead?!

Let's just go to the park!

The kids worked so hard on that!

Ohh.

Why is he afraid of the cross?

Wait! Now he's afraid of the cross?

What's going on?

I want chicken!

Ohh.

Aaah!

No!

Aah!

What... am I doing?

This isn't what I wanted
my life to be about.

I'm comin' home, Margaret.

Aah.

Yes!

Aaaaah!

- Yeah! Yes!
- Yes!

Yes!

- Kenny.
- Ugh. Yeah?

Ugh. No hard feelings?

Of course not.

Pretty good battle.

Good fighter.

- Ohh!
- What day is it?

Saturday.

I didn't miss Grace's birthday party!

No. It's tomorrow.

Hey! You wouldn't want to keep that suit

one more day, would ya?

Yeah, it seems we got a, uh,

little girl with a birthday party!

Birthday party? I'll do it!

Who are we waving at?

I can't find my harmonica!