Staged (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Future - full transcript
DAVID: It does indeed, yeah.
A sense of relief.
Something different.
Yeah, change for a bit.
From the show for a bit.
Erm, I don't always know.
Well, you know, film, TV,
that takes a while to set up,
and theatre projects,
they come and go. And...
I forget that Georgia
just hawks you around broadcasters
in a wheelbarrow, hawking your wares
for a cheese-and-onion sandwich.
Well, you can feel stuck,
can't you, after a while?
Erm, two series of Good Omens,
three series of Staged...
You know, I-I think it's important
to mix things up.
I feel that, too.
I'm playing Aneurin Bevan
for the BBC.
DAVID CHUCKLES
What?
Well, that's not exactly
mixing things up, is it?
I have never played him before.
You've done impressions before.
Don't call them impressions.
How many times have you seen
the tired old Tony Blair shtick?
How many times have you thrown on
a brown coat and glued your hair
into an exponential curve
and battled a salt shaker?
Fucking galaxies have died
since that free-for-all began.
And Bevan's Welsh. Is he gonna...
Is he gonna seek out
football teams to shout at?
Is that your new...
Is that your new...
IMPERSONATING SHEEN: "Oh, bois bach.
Oh, comedy, kick a football around.
"Give us some Welsh sugar"?
Bit of that? Is he gonna do that?
Can we expect to see you
in a new crime series
for the BBC any time soon?
No.
No? No, really?
I mean, there might be a body
in a small town early next year.
It's possible. Right. You gonna be
looking out over cliffs?
I might brood.
Yeah, furrowing the old brow.
I will use all the tools
in my extensive toolbox.
I wonder there's not a mass exodus
as soon as you walk in.
"Oh, this is a lovely town.
I'm glad we moved here.
"Oh, isn't that the scrawny fucker
"whose arrival heralds
the coming of death?
"Hey-ho, on we go."
Yeah.
Yeah.
I suppose so.
Recently.
I didn't used to.
GEORGIA: Mm.
I don't know how much mouth rinse
Simon had necked at the dentists,
but the new script
for episode three was...
was not boring.
It was big and bold and different.
And I think that's why David
and Michael got excited again.
I know I'd not been keen, but it
was nice to see Michael energised.
And we still had the documentary
as a back-up,
so we just thought, "Let's go."
One last role of the lunacy dice.
So, the scripts are all David
and Michael meeting past versions
of themselves from season one,
sort of a warning
of what was to come.
David talked to David, Michael
talked to Michael, all on Zoom.
And David taught himself
how to make a sourdough starter.
Then Michael and David
argued with Michael and David.
Then Michael and Michael
argued with David and David,
and the Michaels betrayed
the Davids.
It was very high concept.
A Christmas-yet-to-come
kind of thing.
Sort of Bill and Ted, really,
or Back To The Future Part II.
One last gasp.
I mean,
we all really wanted it to work.
Yeah, everyone wanted it to work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It wasn't...
It wasn't really what Josh wanted,
and there was no money, so...
Michael checked out.
David did, too.
They didn't want to do it any more.
So we made the decision
to deliver the documentary.
Georgia got what she wanted.
It wasn't really what anyone wanted.
Not like that.
You know, the show was, erm...
like a spirited,
scrappy little thing
when we started, and now...
It's just...
Yeah.
I just hope we get away with it.
Fucking hell. They are bad.
They're not bad.
They're not good.
Well, stop reading, then.
"What was fresh and invigorating
is now old and desperate."
Yeah, well,
they've only seen episode one.
The documentary stuff is fresh.
This is not what I wanted.
Well, the writing takes the brunt,
so...
"Evans and co-creator Phin Glynn
should be given concrete shoes
"and thrown in the nearest river."
Yeah.
Hi.
You've seen them?
They are bad.
They are not bad.
They are not good.
I'm listening to Talkback.
Oh, yeah?
What's Talkback?
It's, like, a phone-in radio show.
I was listening earlier.
Where they discussing us?
Yeah, savagely.
Hey, this caller likes us.
Oh.
No, she doesn't.
Oh. Oh. What did she say?
In the rankings
of comedy double acts,
David and Michael aren't.
Well, people are still calling in.
What about the Radio Times?
Oh. Yes, they like us!
They had us on the front cover.
Yeah, what do they say?
"We have too much respect for David
and Michael to publish a review."
What can we do?
Well, we can't DO anything.
Can we explain?
Explain what?
You know, that it was a train wreck
from start to finish.
That we're lucky to have escaped
with our sanity,
let alone six episodes
of television,
and there should be prizes
for effort.
The reviews are out, babe.
We could film new episodes.
When?
This week.
You're insane.
We did it in a week before.
We were much younger men then.
It was two years ago.
Anyway, Lily's over from New York.
So?
So I want to forget bad reviews
and move on from this sorry chapter
and spend Christmas with my family.
Yeah, listen,
everything is gonna be fine, OK?
Episode two airs tonight.
Michael storms off,
we segue into the documentary,
and it carries on during the week
as planned.
What's episode three?
Erm, how we agreed
to do series three.
With Michael hiding in the car?
Yeah.
You and me in the shower,
that one?
Mm-hm. Episode four is you two
trying to write together.
Oh, God.
And episode five?
This. W-Where we are now.
ANNA SCOFFS
Are we filming this?
We're filming everything.
Simon can still write us a finale.
We already have one.
Part retrospective,
part looking to the future.
Well, that sounds terrible.
I am trying my best.
Have you heard from Simon?
No.
Are we worried that they might be
at the bottom of the river?
I mean, let's not worry about that
right now.
OK, we're working on the basis
that he is still alive
and not Mafia casualty.
He still won't have any time
to write anything, will he?
What about a live episode?
Oh, don't be so stupid.
RECORDED MESSAGE:
'You're our next caller.
'You'll be on air
with Ben Wicks in a second.'
What's that?
'Thanks for waiting.'
I'm on hold.
With who?
Talkback.
Why?
Someone's got to fight our corner.
You can't just call
into a radio station.
Just watch me.
I'm gonna tell them that we deserve
a prize for effort.
As yourself?
Not as myself.
Obviously, I will disguise my voice.
Well, what name did you give?
They didn't ask for a name.
'Hello, you're on with Ben Wicks.
What's your name?'
David.
Oh.
'Hi, David.'
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
But my friends call me Steven.
'Good to meet you, Steven.'
With a V.
'A V, like in David?'
Yeah, similar.
'And what do you want to say
about Staged?'
I really enjoyed that first episode.
'Oh, finally!
'You are in a minority of one.
What did you enjoy about it?'
What did I enjoy about it?
Erm... I think...
That they were trying something new.
'They don't give prizes for effort.'
Well, they should!
'It doesn't work that way.'
It was a tough production.
Their writer left halfway through.
'How do you know that?
Did you work on the show?'
No.
'So how do you know
about the writer leaving?'
Erm...
Well, what's happened is,
I have a wife on the crew.
'A wife? Does this wife
have the inside gossip?'
Yeah, she knows a thing or two.
'And what did she like
about the first episode?'
Oh, she's a big fan
of that David Tennant.
'Really?'
Yeah, yeah.
She thinks he's really sexy.
'Can we speak to her?'
No, she's busy right now.
'But she likes the first episode?'
Very much. Very much indeed.
She said to me, "David..."
Steven!
"Steven," she said to me...
'Who was that?'
My son.
'What's his name?'
Mervyn.
'Did you enjoy the first episode,
Mervyn?'
HIGH-PITCHED: I liked it a lot.
He loved it, he did.
'You don't think
it's just the same old shtick?'
People love the old shtick.
People love the old shtick. Bye!
'But critics
are calling it boring, tired.
'Steven, they're calling it
predictable.
'What do you say to them?'
Well, they don't know what's coming.
'What's coming?'
Oh, something really surprising.
'I'm all ears.'
I shouldn't be telling you this.
'As long as it's not
another lazy layer of meta-rubbish,
'like a shift into documentary
or something.'
No.
'Well? What's coming?
'What should we be looking out for?'
Erm...
'Steven?'
What is coming up...
'Seriously.'
..is really surprising is...
'Excite me.'
'What's gonna save this dead horse
before it's flogged?
'Please tell me it gets better.'
They're doing a live episode.
Hope you enjoy it. Bye, everyone!
We're doing a live episode.
Hm. OK.
Is that all you're gonna say?
I'm waiting for a punchline.
Oh, it's not a joke.
I'm not writing you a live episode.
OK, David said something stupid.
Yes, I heard, on the radio.
Yeah.
Yeah. Where was he
supposed to be from? Mm, I dunno.
And Michael was Mervyn, yes?
OK, we are doing it on Saturday.
Mm-mm. No, we can't.
It's important to David.
That is not a basis
for decision making...
And Josh is excited about the idea.
I cannot imagine for a second that
Michael is excited about the idea.
Well, he will do it for David.
Well, I WON'T do it for David!
Listen, listen.
You started this, you little...
tenacious-till-the-going-gets-tough
watered-down idealist.
You came to me,
and it might not have ended up
like the great statement
that you wanted,
and it might not parcel up
all your, like, hopes and dreams,
but YOU are gonna help us finish it.
What do we need?
OK. Right, what was it originally?
What, the original final episode?
You had a story, didn't you?
David and Michael
doing A Christmas Carol?
Yes, but it was all gonna fall apart
due to outside pressures.
OK. What sort of outside pressures?
Michael was going to be
beset by angry carol singers,
and David was gonna be arrested
in Pyongyang.
What for?
Treason.
Right. Well, can't it still be that?
No. No. It's missing all the...
all the set-up.
Ooh!
Could we just do A Christmas Carol?
What, without
all the outside pressures?
Yeah. Like, OK,
David Tennant and Michael Sheen...
present a live version
of A Christmas Carol,
adapted by Simon Evans,
in the style of Staged,
filmed on laptops, audio on phones.
On Saturday?
On Saturday.
Have you read A Christmas Carol?
I have seen the Muppet version.
Dickens was paid by the word.
Kermit the Frog has a doctorate.
Then get Kermit the Frog
to fucking write it!
OK, you wanted to do something
different for episode three.
And look how that all worked out.
OK, so do something different here.
People don't want different,
do they?!
If we do A Christmas Carol,
I tell you what people will want.
They'll want Marley and Cratchit
arguing about whose name
comes first on the sign outside.
They'll want Bob Cratchit
drawing fucking pineapples.
They'll want us
to find an Oscar-winner to play...
Tiny Tim!
So give them that.
No! Because they don't really
want that, do they?
Because I will get it in the neck
for being predictable.
Unless, of course,
it's a storming success,
in which case,
who gets all the credit?
David and Michael.
You know, there was a review
this morning for episode two.
It called it "Sheen and Tennant's
improvised farce".
Oh, that sounds positive!
Argh! That episode
stretched the bounds
of all etiquette around
plot contrivance and exposition,
beyond ALL the boundaries
of literary decency,
and they still think
David and Michael
made it up on the fucking spot!
OK, they've never actually
said that, though, have they?
Have they?
No. No. No, because
they have always stood up for you.
They have always told everyone
how you write it
and praised what you do.
In public.
Well, in public, yeah.
Behind the scenes,
they are less generous.
Well, behind the scenes, you're as
useful as a yeast infection, babe.
But listen, they believe in you.
They stand up for you.
And they have never taken away from
how hard you work on what you do.
No?
Not once.
Hm.
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID: 'Where are you?'
Er...
We're getting there, you know.
Not far now.
'You're supposed to be here.'
Well...
Anna's a very cautious driver.
'You're bringing the kids with you?'
No, we left them
at my mum and dad's.
'You feeling confident about that?'
In absolutely no way whatsoever.
How's everything looking
at your end?
I just stepped outside.
What's the collective noun
for garden gnomes?
'A violation?'
It's pretty mental inside.
Ah. How's Simon getting along?
'He's supposed to be here too.'
Have you had anything
in from him yet?
Not a squit.
Oh, it'll be fine.
I just want it to feel different.
'Well, we can do it in silly hats.'
Yeah.
I just want us to help set up.
Well, isn't it just
laptops and phones?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not any more.
There's lights being hung...
Oh...
..surfaces being painted...
Well, historically,
the best way we can help
is by staying out of the way.
'I feel responsible.'
Well, that's understandable.
We did get everyone into this.
No, YOU got everyone into this.
I'm just caught in your rats' nest.
Yeah. I just want it
to feel different.
What has Georgia said
that we can do?
'She's asked me
to put up some signs.'
'Well, put up some signs, then.'
No, we're strong, handsome men.
I wanna be...
lifting things up
and putting them down again.
I feel like that would be a waste
of energy. I mean moving things.
I don't think
people would appreciate that.
Well, we can do what we're told.
Historically, we can't.
'We're here!'
Where the hell have you been?
'Don't ask.
We're outside, by the side gate.'
We assemble
a Who's Who of acting talent
and you arrive two hours late?
'Did you tell them your joke?'
LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
Oh, welcome! Welcome!
Oh, hello!
Anna! Hello.
And you brought a camera crew!
Let them through.
Don't ask questions.
See, I'm getting used to it now.
Is Lily not with you?
She's coming down later.
What's in the bag?
Costume options.
We don't need anything.
Christmas jumpers, funny hats.
OK. Yeah, all right.
Is the bunting for me?
Georgia's birthday, isn't it?
Party later.
We didn't bring a card.
I brought a card.
I'm glad you came.
Me too.
I wasn't sure if you were going to.
Well, Anna told me to.
Oh, yeah? Thought you didn't
want him making any more.
I want him to finish it properly.
That's very dramatic.
Well, she's a romantic at heart.
Only when it costs me nothing.
Georgia!
Yeah, fair, fair.
Well, well, look at that.
Very good.
Yeah. So, we're filming in here.
So, why are we making it
look like my kitchen?
Georgia wanted
to keep the aesthetic of the show.
Ah, right.
Do you think we'll get away with it?
Yeah.
OK.
What's the collective noun for
electronics into an extension lead?
A gamble?
Yeah...
We thought we should make sure
everyone's here on site
in case anything goes wrong.
Right.
Ooh!
Look at that. Georgia!
Oh, Michael!
You are late,
and Anna says it's your fault.
Simon's pulling up.
OK.
No, no, sorry.
There's no shoes upstairs.
That's yours.
Ooh, lovely. Great.
Is he... Is he in?
Yeah, he's here. Course he is.
He is?! Right!
HE KNOCKS
Ian?
It's Mich... Hello!
Aw... You...
Yeah, great. Great.
OK. Script with you soon?
OK. Bye.
WHISPERS: I don't trust people
who are comfortable naked
in other people's homes.
Right, is everyone in position?
Ooh, is Michael's forehead
a bit shiny?
What? I'll do a little buff.
MAN: 'Live in 60 seconds.'
Ooh, I'm excited!
Me too!
Do we have a script yet?
Yeah, Simon's printing it now.
Right.
OK. There we go. Right, listen.
There's a lot of wires under
your feet, so don't move them, OK?
Oh, right. OK.
Standing by OBS and phones.
Yeah. Good here...
Yes. All good.
Good here.
I love you, baby.
Love you too!
'45 seconds.'
Oh, this is what I'm talking about!
Ha-ha!
We feel like that, er - that dog
that chases the bird off the cliff
and there's just all air underneath.
But, you know,
as long as we keep our eyes
straight ahead... we won't fall.
Yeah. But it's a coyote.
No, a dog doesn't chase a coyote.
No, it's a coyote that
chases the bird, the Road Runner.
No, it's a cartoon, David.
Of a coyote.
Well, how do you know it's a coyote?
Cos his NAME is Wile E Coyote.
Well, a name
doesn't define a person.
'30 seconds.'
Still need a script, please,
thank you.
Yes, has anyone got eyes on Simon?
GEORGIA: It's coming!
Right.
Sorry, sorry!
Ah! Cometh the hour!
OK, there we go. Thank you.
One for me too, please.
Thank you. Can I just say
a big thank you, actually,
because I know that,
um, things have...
It just means a huge amount to me.
I know that you both
always have my back. Yeah, yeah.
And I just want to say...
I hope you have a really...
OK. Great.
A pleasure.
I'm sure we will, I'm sure we will.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
Time for a cookie jar?
Maybe later.
Yeah. Have a very good show.
Have a good show.
'Live in ten seconds.'
Is yours blank?
Completely blank. Is yours?
Also blank, yeah.
'Five seconds.'
Something on the very last page.
'Three...
'Two...'
"Improvise your way out of this."
'And we're live.'
A sense of relief.
Something different.
Yeah, change for a bit.
From the show for a bit.
Erm, I don't always know.
Well, you know, film, TV,
that takes a while to set up,
and theatre projects,
they come and go. And...
I forget that Georgia
just hawks you around broadcasters
in a wheelbarrow, hawking your wares
for a cheese-and-onion sandwich.
Well, you can feel stuck,
can't you, after a while?
Erm, two series of Good Omens,
three series of Staged...
You know, I-I think it's important
to mix things up.
I feel that, too.
I'm playing Aneurin Bevan
for the BBC.
DAVID CHUCKLES
What?
Well, that's not exactly
mixing things up, is it?
I have never played him before.
You've done impressions before.
Don't call them impressions.
How many times have you seen
the tired old Tony Blair shtick?
How many times have you thrown on
a brown coat and glued your hair
into an exponential curve
and battled a salt shaker?
Fucking galaxies have died
since that free-for-all began.
And Bevan's Welsh. Is he gonna...
Is he gonna seek out
football teams to shout at?
Is that your new...
Is that your new...
IMPERSONATING SHEEN: "Oh, bois bach.
Oh, comedy, kick a football around.
"Give us some Welsh sugar"?
Bit of that? Is he gonna do that?
Can we expect to see you
in a new crime series
for the BBC any time soon?
No.
No? No, really?
I mean, there might be a body
in a small town early next year.
It's possible. Right. You gonna be
looking out over cliffs?
I might brood.
Yeah, furrowing the old brow.
I will use all the tools
in my extensive toolbox.
I wonder there's not a mass exodus
as soon as you walk in.
"Oh, this is a lovely town.
I'm glad we moved here.
"Oh, isn't that the scrawny fucker
"whose arrival heralds
the coming of death?
"Hey-ho, on we go."
Yeah.
Yeah.
I suppose so.
Recently.
I didn't used to.
GEORGIA: Mm.
I don't know how much mouth rinse
Simon had necked at the dentists,
but the new script
for episode three was...
was not boring.
It was big and bold and different.
And I think that's why David
and Michael got excited again.
I know I'd not been keen, but it
was nice to see Michael energised.
And we still had the documentary
as a back-up,
so we just thought, "Let's go."
One last role of the lunacy dice.
So, the scripts are all David
and Michael meeting past versions
of themselves from season one,
sort of a warning
of what was to come.
David talked to David, Michael
talked to Michael, all on Zoom.
And David taught himself
how to make a sourdough starter.
Then Michael and David
argued with Michael and David.
Then Michael and Michael
argued with David and David,
and the Michaels betrayed
the Davids.
It was very high concept.
A Christmas-yet-to-come
kind of thing.
Sort of Bill and Ted, really,
or Back To The Future Part II.
One last gasp.
I mean,
we all really wanted it to work.
Yeah, everyone wanted it to work.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It wasn't...
It wasn't really what Josh wanted,
and there was no money, so...
Michael checked out.
David did, too.
They didn't want to do it any more.
So we made the decision
to deliver the documentary.
Georgia got what she wanted.
It wasn't really what anyone wanted.
Not like that.
You know, the show was, erm...
like a spirited,
scrappy little thing
when we started, and now...
It's just...
Yeah.
I just hope we get away with it.
Fucking hell. They are bad.
They're not bad.
They're not good.
Well, stop reading, then.
"What was fresh and invigorating
is now old and desperate."
Yeah, well,
they've only seen episode one.
The documentary stuff is fresh.
This is not what I wanted.
Well, the writing takes the brunt,
so...
"Evans and co-creator Phin Glynn
should be given concrete shoes
"and thrown in the nearest river."
Yeah.
Hi.
You've seen them?
They are bad.
They are not bad.
They are not good.
I'm listening to Talkback.
Oh, yeah?
What's Talkback?
It's, like, a phone-in radio show.
I was listening earlier.
Where they discussing us?
Yeah, savagely.
Hey, this caller likes us.
Oh.
No, she doesn't.
Oh. Oh. What did she say?
In the rankings
of comedy double acts,
David and Michael aren't.
Well, people are still calling in.
What about the Radio Times?
Oh. Yes, they like us!
They had us on the front cover.
Yeah, what do they say?
"We have too much respect for David
and Michael to publish a review."
What can we do?
Well, we can't DO anything.
Can we explain?
Explain what?
You know, that it was a train wreck
from start to finish.
That we're lucky to have escaped
with our sanity,
let alone six episodes
of television,
and there should be prizes
for effort.
The reviews are out, babe.
We could film new episodes.
When?
This week.
You're insane.
We did it in a week before.
We were much younger men then.
It was two years ago.
Anyway, Lily's over from New York.
So?
So I want to forget bad reviews
and move on from this sorry chapter
and spend Christmas with my family.
Yeah, listen,
everything is gonna be fine, OK?
Episode two airs tonight.
Michael storms off,
we segue into the documentary,
and it carries on during the week
as planned.
What's episode three?
Erm, how we agreed
to do series three.
With Michael hiding in the car?
Yeah.
You and me in the shower,
that one?
Mm-hm. Episode four is you two
trying to write together.
Oh, God.
And episode five?
This. W-Where we are now.
ANNA SCOFFS
Are we filming this?
We're filming everything.
Simon can still write us a finale.
We already have one.
Part retrospective,
part looking to the future.
Well, that sounds terrible.
I am trying my best.
Have you heard from Simon?
No.
Are we worried that they might be
at the bottom of the river?
I mean, let's not worry about that
right now.
OK, we're working on the basis
that he is still alive
and not Mafia casualty.
He still won't have any time
to write anything, will he?
What about a live episode?
Oh, don't be so stupid.
RECORDED MESSAGE:
'You're our next caller.
'You'll be on air
with Ben Wicks in a second.'
What's that?
'Thanks for waiting.'
I'm on hold.
With who?
Talkback.
Why?
Someone's got to fight our corner.
You can't just call
into a radio station.
Just watch me.
I'm gonna tell them that we deserve
a prize for effort.
As yourself?
Not as myself.
Obviously, I will disguise my voice.
Well, what name did you give?
They didn't ask for a name.
'Hello, you're on with Ben Wicks.
What's your name?'
David.
Oh.
'Hi, David.'
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:
But my friends call me Steven.
'Good to meet you, Steven.'
With a V.
'A V, like in David?'
Yeah, similar.
'And what do you want to say
about Staged?'
I really enjoyed that first episode.
'Oh, finally!
'You are in a minority of one.
What did you enjoy about it?'
What did I enjoy about it?
Erm... I think...
That they were trying something new.
'They don't give prizes for effort.'
Well, they should!
'It doesn't work that way.'
It was a tough production.
Their writer left halfway through.
'How do you know that?
Did you work on the show?'
No.
'So how do you know
about the writer leaving?'
Erm...
Well, what's happened is,
I have a wife on the crew.
'A wife? Does this wife
have the inside gossip?'
Yeah, she knows a thing or two.
'And what did she like
about the first episode?'
Oh, she's a big fan
of that David Tennant.
'Really?'
Yeah, yeah.
She thinks he's really sexy.
'Can we speak to her?'
No, she's busy right now.
'But she likes the first episode?'
Very much. Very much indeed.
She said to me, "David..."
Steven!
"Steven," she said to me...
'Who was that?'
My son.
'What's his name?'
Mervyn.
'Did you enjoy the first episode,
Mervyn?'
HIGH-PITCHED: I liked it a lot.
He loved it, he did.
'You don't think
it's just the same old shtick?'
People love the old shtick.
People love the old shtick. Bye!
'But critics
are calling it boring, tired.
'Steven, they're calling it
predictable.
'What do you say to them?'
Well, they don't know what's coming.
'What's coming?'
Oh, something really surprising.
'I'm all ears.'
I shouldn't be telling you this.
'As long as it's not
another lazy layer of meta-rubbish,
'like a shift into documentary
or something.'
No.
'Well? What's coming?
'What should we be looking out for?'
Erm...
'Steven?'
What is coming up...
'Seriously.'
..is really surprising is...
'Excite me.'
'What's gonna save this dead horse
before it's flogged?
'Please tell me it gets better.'
They're doing a live episode.
Hope you enjoy it. Bye, everyone!
We're doing a live episode.
Hm. OK.
Is that all you're gonna say?
I'm waiting for a punchline.
Oh, it's not a joke.
I'm not writing you a live episode.
OK, David said something stupid.
Yes, I heard, on the radio.
Yeah.
Yeah. Where was he
supposed to be from? Mm, I dunno.
And Michael was Mervyn, yes?
OK, we are doing it on Saturday.
Mm-mm. No, we can't.
It's important to David.
That is not a basis
for decision making...
And Josh is excited about the idea.
I cannot imagine for a second that
Michael is excited about the idea.
Well, he will do it for David.
Well, I WON'T do it for David!
Listen, listen.
You started this, you little...
tenacious-till-the-going-gets-tough
watered-down idealist.
You came to me,
and it might not have ended up
like the great statement
that you wanted,
and it might not parcel up
all your, like, hopes and dreams,
but YOU are gonna help us finish it.
What do we need?
OK. Right, what was it originally?
What, the original final episode?
You had a story, didn't you?
David and Michael
doing A Christmas Carol?
Yes, but it was all gonna fall apart
due to outside pressures.
OK. What sort of outside pressures?
Michael was going to be
beset by angry carol singers,
and David was gonna be arrested
in Pyongyang.
What for?
Treason.
Right. Well, can't it still be that?
No. No. It's missing all the...
all the set-up.
Ooh!
Could we just do A Christmas Carol?
What, without
all the outside pressures?
Yeah. Like, OK,
David Tennant and Michael Sheen...
present a live version
of A Christmas Carol,
adapted by Simon Evans,
in the style of Staged,
filmed on laptops, audio on phones.
On Saturday?
On Saturday.
Have you read A Christmas Carol?
I have seen the Muppet version.
Dickens was paid by the word.
Kermit the Frog has a doctorate.
Then get Kermit the Frog
to fucking write it!
OK, you wanted to do something
different for episode three.
And look how that all worked out.
OK, so do something different here.
People don't want different,
do they?!
If we do A Christmas Carol,
I tell you what people will want.
They'll want Marley and Cratchit
arguing about whose name
comes first on the sign outside.
They'll want Bob Cratchit
drawing fucking pineapples.
They'll want us
to find an Oscar-winner to play...
Tiny Tim!
So give them that.
No! Because they don't really
want that, do they?
Because I will get it in the neck
for being predictable.
Unless, of course,
it's a storming success,
in which case,
who gets all the credit?
David and Michael.
You know, there was a review
this morning for episode two.
It called it "Sheen and Tennant's
improvised farce".
Oh, that sounds positive!
Argh! That episode
stretched the bounds
of all etiquette around
plot contrivance and exposition,
beyond ALL the boundaries
of literary decency,
and they still think
David and Michael
made it up on the fucking spot!
OK, they've never actually
said that, though, have they?
Have they?
No. No. No, because
they have always stood up for you.
They have always told everyone
how you write it
and praised what you do.
In public.
Well, in public, yeah.
Behind the scenes,
they are less generous.
Well, behind the scenes, you're as
useful as a yeast infection, babe.
But listen, they believe in you.
They stand up for you.
And they have never taken away from
how hard you work on what you do.
No?
Not once.
Hm.
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID:
MICHAEL:
DAVID: 'Where are you?'
Er...
We're getting there, you know.
Not far now.
'You're supposed to be here.'
Well...
Anna's a very cautious driver.
'You're bringing the kids with you?'
No, we left them
at my mum and dad's.
'You feeling confident about that?'
In absolutely no way whatsoever.
How's everything looking
at your end?
I just stepped outside.
What's the collective noun
for garden gnomes?
'A violation?'
It's pretty mental inside.
Ah. How's Simon getting along?
'He's supposed to be here too.'
Have you had anything
in from him yet?
Not a squit.
Oh, it'll be fine.
I just want it to feel different.
'Well, we can do it in silly hats.'
Yeah.
I just want us to help set up.
Well, isn't it just
laptops and phones?
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not any more.
There's lights being hung...
Oh...
..surfaces being painted...
Well, historically,
the best way we can help
is by staying out of the way.
'I feel responsible.'
Well, that's understandable.
We did get everyone into this.
No, YOU got everyone into this.
I'm just caught in your rats' nest.
Yeah. I just want it
to feel different.
What has Georgia said
that we can do?
'She's asked me
to put up some signs.'
'Well, put up some signs, then.'
No, we're strong, handsome men.
I wanna be...
lifting things up
and putting them down again.
I feel like that would be a waste
of energy. I mean moving things.
I don't think
people would appreciate that.
Well, we can do what we're told.
Historically, we can't.
'We're here!'
Where the hell have you been?
'Don't ask.
We're outside, by the side gate.'
We assemble
a Who's Who of acting talent
and you arrive two hours late?
'Did you tell them your joke?'
LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
Oh, welcome! Welcome!
Oh, hello!
Anna! Hello.
And you brought a camera crew!
Let them through.
Don't ask questions.
See, I'm getting used to it now.
Is Lily not with you?
She's coming down later.
What's in the bag?
Costume options.
We don't need anything.
Christmas jumpers, funny hats.
OK. Yeah, all right.
Is the bunting for me?
Georgia's birthday, isn't it?
Party later.
We didn't bring a card.
I brought a card.
I'm glad you came.
Me too.
I wasn't sure if you were going to.
Well, Anna told me to.
Oh, yeah? Thought you didn't
want him making any more.
I want him to finish it properly.
That's very dramatic.
Well, she's a romantic at heart.
Only when it costs me nothing.
Georgia!
Yeah, fair, fair.
Well, well, look at that.
Very good.
Yeah. So, we're filming in here.
So, why are we making it
look like my kitchen?
Georgia wanted
to keep the aesthetic of the show.
Ah, right.
Do you think we'll get away with it?
Yeah.
OK.
What's the collective noun for
electronics into an extension lead?
A gamble?
Yeah...
We thought we should make sure
everyone's here on site
in case anything goes wrong.
Right.
Ooh!
Look at that. Georgia!
Oh, Michael!
You are late,
and Anna says it's your fault.
Simon's pulling up.
OK.
No, no, sorry.
There's no shoes upstairs.
That's yours.
Ooh, lovely. Great.
Is he... Is he in?
Yeah, he's here. Course he is.
He is?! Right!
HE KNOCKS
Ian?
It's Mich... Hello!
Aw... You...
Yeah, great. Great.
OK. Script with you soon?
OK. Bye.
WHISPERS: I don't trust people
who are comfortable naked
in other people's homes.
Right, is everyone in position?
Ooh, is Michael's forehead
a bit shiny?
What? I'll do a little buff.
MAN: 'Live in 60 seconds.'
Ooh, I'm excited!
Me too!
Do we have a script yet?
Yeah, Simon's printing it now.
Right.
OK. There we go. Right, listen.
There's a lot of wires under
your feet, so don't move them, OK?
Oh, right. OK.
Standing by OBS and phones.
Yeah. Good here...
Yes. All good.
Good here.
I love you, baby.
Love you too!
'45 seconds.'
Oh, this is what I'm talking about!
Ha-ha!
We feel like that, er - that dog
that chases the bird off the cliff
and there's just all air underneath.
But, you know,
as long as we keep our eyes
straight ahead... we won't fall.
Yeah. But it's a coyote.
No, a dog doesn't chase a coyote.
No, it's a coyote that
chases the bird, the Road Runner.
No, it's a cartoon, David.
Of a coyote.
Well, how do you know it's a coyote?
Cos his NAME is Wile E Coyote.
Well, a name
doesn't define a person.
'30 seconds.'
Still need a script, please,
thank you.
Yes, has anyone got eyes on Simon?
GEORGIA: It's coming!
Right.
Sorry, sorry!
Ah! Cometh the hour!
OK, there we go. Thank you.
One for me too, please.
Thank you. Can I just say
a big thank you, actually,
because I know that,
um, things have...
It just means a huge amount to me.
I know that you both
always have my back. Yeah, yeah.
And I just want to say...
I hope you have a really...
OK. Great.
A pleasure.
I'm sure we will, I'm sure we will.
Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.
Time for a cookie jar?
Maybe later.
Yeah. Have a very good show.
Have a good show.
'Live in ten seconds.'
Is yours blank?
Completely blank. Is yours?
Also blank, yeah.
'Five seconds.'
Something on the very last page.
'Three...
'Two...'
"Improvise your way out of this."
'And we're live.'