Staged (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Knock, Knock - full transcript
Improvise your way out of this.
MAN: 'And we're live.'
What the fuck do we do now?
Panic?
Do you know the story?
A bit.
Well, what about the improvisation?
Improvisation?
You remember the rules?
There are rules to improvisation?
You said so in episode one!
I don't remember what I said
in episode one!
Why don't you learn your lines?!
I just stick them on fucking
Post-It notes round the screen!
Can they still hear us?
Oh, fuck. Go back, go back.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Er, I'm David Tennant.
Michael Sheen... is my name.
Erm, if we can just
crave your indulgence
while we shut the cameras off,
just for a few minutes.
Yeah, we'll be right back with you.
'WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS'
MELODY PLAYS
That's it. Cameras are off.
DAVID MOUTHS
So, er, we've gone dark,
ladies and gentlemen,
er, but bear with us.
Having a couple of technical issues.
All part of the live experience.
There might be a few dropped lines
and a few missed cues,
but we'll, er... we'll be OK.
Erm, and, er, it's live.
It's Christmas Eve.
What do you expect? It's fun times.
So we'll get the gremlins sorted out
at this end.
No, don't lea...
Erm, as you heard my colleague
just... er, saying,
this is, erm, something new
and, of course, new things
can be a little scary.
Erm, but-but we are very lucky
to have theatrical royalty
waiting in the wings,
and gargling as we speak,
and warming up.
And...
we also have a powerhouse
of a true Christmas classic
to delight and entertain you.
And, of course, erm,
Mr David Tennant,
Mr Television himself,
and I are consummate professionals.
News just in, Michael.
Yes?
We thought that we had
cut the cameras, but, of course,
er, the live stream is still running
and you, er, have been watching us
all this time.
So, hello!
Hello, everyone.
All part of the live experience.
Exactly. So, without further ado...
JINGLE BELLS PLAY
..the Staged team are pleased to
present a live experience!
It's A Christmas Carol.
Live.
HARP GLISSANDOS PLAY
Ebenezer Scrooge
was a jolly old gentlemen.
Welcome to Marley & Scrooge.
Ben?
Uh, that's right.
Ben Marley.
Ben Marley, son of Jacob Marley.
That's correct.
Ben?
Marley. Ben Marley.
You see, my dad
started this whole thing
with the old humbug till you unplug
Ebenezer Scrooge.
Why are you here?
Did Georgia send you?
Georgia Cratchit?
Georgia Cratchit did send me.
That's right.
Why would Georgia send him?
Cos he knows how to improvise.
I could help you
with the rules, boys.
The rules of what?
Jacob Marley was an accountant,
wasn't he?
Yes, yes! Jacob... My dad...
Yes, Jacob Marley was an accountant.
I would love to teach you
the rules of accountancy.
Now, the first rule, my friends,
never say no.
That sounds like a terrible rule
for accountancy. OK?
If there's a knock on the door,
we let them in.
Always?
Always.
You never say no.
You say, "Yes, and?"
Yes, and?
Yes, and?
Well, that wouldn't be
the whole sentence.
"Yes," and then
you add more information.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll talk about it later.
Rule number two -
accidents are welcome.
Well, now we're straying into the
world insurance, not accountancy.
Well, maybe Ben Marley
is in insurance.
I am in insurance!
I am in insurance.
My dad's an accountant,
I'm in insurance.
Watch out, we'll get you in the end.
You know what I mean?
Rule number three is
you don't always have to be funny.
Just try to make
your scene partner look good,
and you shall look good as well.
Got it.
Got it. Got it. We're good.
Everybody's on the same page.
Shall we give it a go?
Oh, yeah!
OK.
HE EXHALES
Knock-knock.
Go away!
Wrong immediately.
Immediately.
I'm so confused. Never say no.
That's right. And if there's
a knock on the door... Let them in!
We let them in.
Are we all on the same page?
A quick nod.
Just so I know,
we're all on the same page? Yes.
Fantastic. Here it comes.
HE EXHALES
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
'Ello. Oh, 'ello.
I'm a lonely carol singer.
It's a lonely carol singer.
Hello. Hello, lonely carol singer.
Oh, 'ello, Mr Scrooge.
Am I Scrooge?
Yep, go for it. Yeah.
Well, I don't wanna be Scrooge.
Well, I mean...
Mr Scrooge? Mr Scrooge? 'Ello.
Er, in a minute,
lonely carol singer.
Why can't you be Scrooge?
AS COCKNEY: I'm Bob Cratchit.
'Ey, 'ey, Bob Cratchit!
Good to see you!
Hello, lovely carol singer.
Ha! You know, I used to have
a whole group, but now I'm lonely.
How about you, Cratchit?
Oh, warming my cockles,
so youse are.
I wanna be Bob Cratchit.
Sorry, no. You're Scrooge.
And I'm awfully cold outside.
Do you mind just letting me in?
My bones are hollow and my blood...
Oh, shut up, lonely carol singer!
Whoa!
Do you not like Christmas?
No, I love Christmas.
Scrooge 'ates Christmas.
I hate it. I hate Christmas so much!
Mr Scrooge, why do you
hate Christmas so much?
I hate Christmas...
Mm? ..because...
I hate it
because it's so... beurgh.
Beurgh?
Beurgh.
And it's...
Use your words, Mr Scrooge.
Tell me exactly why.
It'll help for everybody.
I... I don't...
Why do I hate Christmas?
Why does Scrooge hate Christmas?
You said you knew the book!
I mean, I've got a copy. I...
I haven't opened it.
Knock-knock.
BOTH: Adrian?!
No. There's someone at the door.
No, there's someone at the door!
Well, it's your office.
Well, I opened the last one.
If there's someone at the door,
we gotta let 'em in, right?
Never say no! Open the door.
Knock-knock.
Come in.
Ebenezer Scrooge?
Over there.
All right. Who are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am a ghost.
Ooh!
And that's how a ghost enters,
is it? What?
How?
Well, by knocking at a door?
If he is a well-brought-up ghost.
All right, whose ghost are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am Jacob Marley.
Ooh, Ben!
Yeah?
The ghost of your father.
That's right, isn't it?
Uh...
But I wasn't...
Yeah, no, that...
Uh, no, that's... Uh, tech...
Dad, of course,
you know I'm Ben Marley,
and you're Jacob Marley.
You're my father, of course. Ah.
It's your son, the insurance broker.
Yes. Is this in the book?
Hello.
It's been a long time, Dad.
Good to see you.
Yes, it has.
Remember when we used to hang out
and be father and son when younger?
Oh, it's a long time ago.
Behold these chains.
Ooh, why are you wearing chains?
That's definitely in the book! Yes.
I forged these chains,
er, by my evil deeds. Now, you...
Ooh, what were your evil deeds?
I... I don't, erm...
Er, aggravated assault.
What?
What the fuck just happened?
Aggravated assault?
Does Mom know?!
He was very drunk, and I...
You beat up a drunk person, Dad?!
I mean, it's Christmas, guys...
Look, look, guys, I'm just here
because Georgia told me
to come and say
that I'd forged this chain
with my evil deeds,
and you'll be visited
by three ghosts
who are gonna
take you back through time
so that you can shun the path
that I now tread.
Can you two come with us?
Never say no!
I don't... Ben, can they?
Ben Marley, I don't know.
Jacob, you fucking...
You deal with it.
WOMAN: 'Dear!' I'm coming.
Expect the first ghost
when the bell... Sorry.
SPOOKY VOICE: Expect the first ghost
when the bell tolls one. Oh...
Time to get outta here.
You coming, Pop?
Yeah, I'm right behind you, mate.
Oh, God!
That was fun.
That was a car crash.
It was a rush.
I can hear my blood in my ears.
Cratchit and Scrooge, off we go
on another whirlwind adventure!
I wanna go home.
Oh, hello!
Georgia sent me. I haven't got long,
I'm hosting a party.
Which one of you is Scrooge?
He is. Me.
I'm Bob Cratchit.
And I am
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Oh.
And I've got the book. Ah.
I thought you'd be a bit...
What? You know...
Whoo, ooh.
What?
Less stressed, I suppose.
I'm making vol-au-vents.
No, of course. Outstanding.
I'm taking you back to the past.
How do we affect
such a strange transition,
wondrous spirit?
Well, er, close your eyes.
OK.
"Feel the cold on your skin
and the snow under your feet.
"Take in the sounds and smells,
each connected to..."
GENTLE CLATTERING
Where's she gone?
I dunno. Dunno.
Here she comes, here she comes.
Yep, sorry. It's...
"You're in a long, bare,
melancholy room lined with desks.
"At one of them sits a boy."
Who is this strange boy?
Don't you recognise him, Scrooge?
Is it me?
Is it 'im?
It's a lonely child. He's neglected.
BEEPING
Please, strange spirit,
may we talk with him?
They're just shadows. You can't...
BEEPING CONTINUES
I think we should talk to him.
No, no, no.
Never say no, never say no.
No. The ghost said we can't.
Ghost is making vol-au-vents,
so knock on the door, do it.
Knock-knock.
AS BOY: How can I help you?
No, you can't play Young Scrooge
as well. Yes, of course I can.
What would you want with me?
I want to talk with you.
Ooh! Alarming gentlemen, Mother says
I must never talk with strangers.
I am not a stranger.
Then who be thee, old sir?
I be you, from the future.
Ooh. When do I get fat?
Fuck you.
"Fuck you"?
No wonder
you're lonely and neglected.
I'm not lonely.
I have so many friends.
Oh, really?
Oh, yes.
Right, well, prove it.
Derek!
Derek?
Ah, here he is. This is Derek.
Say hello, Derek.
DEEP VOICE: 'Ello.
And this is Martin. And Emily.
AS GIRL: Hi! Hello.
I've got a friend, too.
Unlikely.
Yeah, this is Bob.
Hi.
Bob, this is young me.
AS DEREK: 'Ello.
AS EMILY: Hi.
And Derek.
AS DEREK: Hi. Hello.
Ooh, and watch out, here comes Emily
and that little scamp Martin.
DIFFERENT ACCENTS: Hi. Hi. Hello.
AS COCKNEY:
Pleased to meet youse all.
See? I've got
lots and lots of friends.
Yeah, well, guess what.
What? All your friends leave you.
Why?
Because you grow up into a cunt.
BELL DINGS
Erm, OK, I'm gonna go.
Have you spent enough time
in the past?
No, I want to live...
Oh, no, I think so.
No.
Let's move things along here.
I want to see what else there is.
Close your eyes.
Erm, you're here.
Where are we?
The present. Oh, thank God.
"The suburbs of the..."
Oh, for fuck's sake.
"The suburbs of the town,
Christmas Day, Bob Cratchit's home."
How exciting!
Outside my own very own house!
Georgia said there'll be
another ghost in a minute.
HISS
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
END OF CALL TONE
Ghost of Christmas Present.
I wonder who that's gonna be.
Ooh, who could that be?
Jim!
Jim!
Oh, absolutely not.
Listen, you pair of scrambled eggs,
I have an Academy Award,
which I think allows me
to make a mistake
with your
shitty little recording software
without you publishing it
as some sort of
fucking amusing appendix!
So to hell with both of you
on every level of
your navel-gazing abhorrence.
Merry Christmas.
END OF CALL TONE
Abrupt.
Mm.
What are we gonna do now?
Erm...
We've just lost our
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Do we need one?
We can't just wander
without supervision.
Well, I'm outside my house.
It's Christmas morning.
I'm gonna go look through
the window.
No, don't.
Let's go back to the office. Why?
Because that's the end of the story.
No, no!
I can see my family
through the window.
There she is,
Georgia cooking the turkey,
the children scrambling around,
setting the table
for Christmas lunch.
We should knock.
No. Why?
Because then they'll let us in.
We should knock on the door,
be welcomed inside
by my lovely friends.
It's all part of it.
All right, all right!
Knock on the door!
All right! Knock-knock.
BUZZING
Oh. Oh, shit.
Hello?
Lights have gone out.
Yeah.
Er, should we wait?
Are the microphones still...?
Well, we've lost power.
We must be off air.
Georgia?!
'Don't touch anything!'
No, I won't touch anything.
She'll fix it. Don't worry.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, my God. It's nice to have
a bit of a breather from that.
It's fun, though, isn't it?
Yeah? You enjoying yourself?
This is what I was talking about
in the loft the other day.
When?
Episode three.
The rat-a-tat, the knock-knock,
"Come in. What are we up to today?"
Ooh, ah, it's the space to play.
You didn't remember your lines.
But that wasn't...
It wasn't a line.
That wasn't written down.
That was part of the...
That was our real.
Oh, anyway... I miss it.
'It's gonna be
another couple of minutes!'
I used to be afraid of the dark.
I used to get anxious
when I couldn't see
where I was going.
I get more anxious when I can see
where I'm going and I don't like it.
Listen, I-I think we should
take a break.
Well, we're live
to the nation, so...
No, I... I mean...
..from each other.
David?
Yeah, yeah.
You just didn't say anything.
What do you want me to say?
When I announce something new
these days, people always ask,
"Oh, is David in it?"
Well, they like us together.
But we're not joined at the hip.
I like us together.
Come on, we're stuck in the past.
We're just reliving something
we did at a scary time
because it made us feel safe,
but we're not in that time any more.
I don't like change.
Like those people who aren't leaving
their houses still.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know. Erm...
..finish this and...
..find something new.
You know? Something bold.
You don't think this is bold?
Not any more.
How long have you felt this way?
Well, I never wanted to do
a new series. That long?
Just going through
the motions, David.
Is this why you've been snarky?
I've not been snarky.
Well, I mean,
you haven't been charming.
We're the two halves of
a clapped-out pantomime horse.
I realise that you wanna keep
flogging it,
but I'm the one in the back
who's getting sore buttocks.
BUZZING
Georgia?
Hi.
Anna! Lily!
Dad!
Knock-knock.
Lucy? Where are you?
We're all upstairs.
I'm in the bath.
What are you all doing here?
Getting to the end of the story?
Knock-knock.
Erm, who's there?
Taxi for Mr Scrooge.
Oh, for... Where are we?
Marley & Scrooge Accountants.
Oh! Is it Christmas morning?
Yes, and I'm double parked, so...
Oh, where are you taking us?
Bob Cratchit's house.
That's the end of the story.
That's the plan.
Erm, how long will the journey take?
Oh, we're here!
Ooh. What do we do now?
Oh, erm, knock at the door?
Bob Cratchit?
Don't wanna.
It's your house.
Come on, Bob.
Let's finish the story.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit.
Oh, come in. These are my children.
Hello, Mr Scrooge.
DEEP VOICE: Hello, Mr Scrooge.
What's wrong with him?
Well, where's Tiny Tim?
He's asleep upstairs.
Sit down, Mr Scrooge, and tell us
that you're a changed man.
I'm a changed man.
And tell us that you'll always
carry Christmas in your heart.
I will always
carry Christmas in my heart.
Oh, God bless us, everyone!
God bless us, every...
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
What? What?
We've already been here.
We have seen this Christmas.
No, you haven't.
Yes, we have.
We visited last night.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
dropped us off right here.
Well, can we just finish...?
And we looked through the window.
We were so close.
We saw you sitting down for dinner,
Georgia, and your strange children.
So?!
So is there a version
of us standing outside?
ANNA MOUTHS
That makes no sense.
Totally does. You've seen
Back To The Future, Bill & Ted,
Harry Potter And...
Yes. Well, you know,
we were outside then.
We're outside now.
He's right.
Lily!
Well, he is.
How do you know?!
I love this stuff.
Do you remember what Scrooge did?
What did I do?
You knocked at the door.
Don't.
Knock-knock, Mr Scrooge.
No.
Don't answer it.
Can't say no!
Never say no, never say no.
Are we on the other side
of that door?
Is that what you're saying?
Knock-knock.
Georgia?
Don't open the door. Lily?
He's right, Mr Scrooge.
Open the door, Mr Scrooge.
Why?!
It's the first fucking rule
of improvisation!
Don't you understand
the rules of time and space?
Oh, I understand the rules of time
and space! Open the door!
Why?
Because it'll be what you want!
It'll be something new,
something bold.
You and me
meeting versions of ourself.
I don't know!
Children, guard the door!
Yes, Mother. I have a broom.
I have a shovel.
Who are you?
The taxi driver.
Then we'll go through the motions.
Michael talking to Michael,
David talking to Michael.
This is one last hurrah!
It's too late.
Rat-a-tat for old time's sake!
Stop flogging the pantomime horse!
It's all part of it!
My buttocks!
Wait!
What?
Knock-knock.
Did anyone open the door yesterday?
Erm...
Did anyone open the door? No.
Knock-knock.
Then if you answer it now,
it establishes a new timeline.
So?
Knock-knock!
The versions of you here now
are only here now
because no-one
answered the door there then.
So if I open the door here now...
The you there then
can't become the you here now.
And the us here now...
Vanish.
And it's over?
You just have to answer the door.
Knock-knock.
No.
Open the door, Bob.
No, no, no.
Never say no.
Knock-knock.
I won't.
I'll raise your salary.
No. Pay the mortgage on this house.
Doesn't need to end this way.
Some way.
I'm afraid of change!
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock!
I've been listening.
Colly!
Don't call me that. I hate that.
Sorry.
We had Alfie spayed yesterday,
and he's been
a bit of a sad old fig since,
so I thought he might enjoy
listening to your voices. Dog.
He began whimpering
as soon as you started,
and then he was pawing at the door,
and then he shat himself.
It's not that bad, is it?
I'd have shat myself, too,
if we hadn't got guests.
We're just trying...
Ben Schwartz told us of...
The rules of improvisation.
This has to stop!
The problem with improvisation
is there's no structure,
so if you say yes to everything,
it never ends.
I don't want it to end.
But it must!
It's been lovely.
But that was then, and this is now.
And there are more stories to be...
MAN: 'Olivia!'
Yes?
'The dog shit himself again.'
There in a second. Sorry.
How old are you?
Er, 52.
51.
Sorry, no, just 50.
Height?
Average.
Little under.
Weight?
Average. Little over.
So we've got years left!
And there's... there's someone
knocking at the door.
But if we answer it, it's over.
But that's thrilling.
You OK, Bob?
OK, Scrooge.
You always made me look good.
You too.
Knock-knock.
Oh, wait, wait. Erm, who are you?
Oh, dunno. Tiny Tim?
Yeah.
JINGLE BELLS PLAY
Knock-knock.
BOTH: Come in.
And we're off.
Oh, thank God!
Thank you so much, Olivia.
It's a pleasure.
But please make sure
they do actually stop, though.
Yeah. Sorry.
OK, party time.
Party time!
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Lucy, could you please get me
some alcohol?
I will do that.
Thank you.
Lily, are you coming?
On my way.
OK, cool.
END OF CALL TONES
BACKGROUND CHATTER
CORK POPS,
WHOOPING
GLASSES CLINK
GLASS CLINKS
BACKGROUND CHATTER CONTINUES
Here he is.
Oh, here I am. Hi.
I feel like I'm in an episode.
Do you get that a lot?
Ha-ha! Quite a lot.
Er, yeah, well, all the time.
What do you usually say about it?
I usually say
that I hope I'm not as inept
and weaselly in real life.
What, are you?
No, I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
No, I love your work.
Oh, thank you so much.
I didn't like the first series.
Right.
But I didn't mind the second.
That's kind.
But I hated the third.
Hated it?
Until that final episode.
How... How did you
come up with that?
The fi...
The David and Michael improvising?
Yeah, it had a pace and an energy.
Mm, yeah. Yeah, interesting
you say that, actually, because...
And I loved the absurdity,
and the... and the...
and the passion.
It was inspired.
Was it?
I know there's been chatter
about what was written
and what was made up,
but I know talent when I see it,
and you have talent.
Do I?
And I want you to write for us.
For-For-For David and Michael?
No.
But for David?
No. For Michael?
HE CHUCKLES
Neither of them.
HE CHUCKLES
I... I-I don't understand.
Something new, something exciting.
Something that's yours. Just yours.
And this is based on
the-the final episode?
Your final episode.
MAN: 'And we're live.'
What the fuck do we do now?
Panic?
Do you know the story?
A bit.
Well, what about the improvisation?
Improvisation?
You remember the rules?
There are rules to improvisation?
You said so in episode one!
I don't remember what I said
in episode one!
Why don't you learn your lines?!
I just stick them on fucking
Post-It notes round the screen!
Can they still hear us?
Oh, fuck. Go back, go back.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Er, I'm David Tennant.
Michael Sheen... is my name.
Erm, if we can just
crave your indulgence
while we shut the cameras off,
just for a few minutes.
Yeah, we'll be right back with you.
'WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS'
MELODY PLAYS
That's it. Cameras are off.
DAVID MOUTHS
So, er, we've gone dark,
ladies and gentlemen,
er, but bear with us.
Having a couple of technical issues.
All part of the live experience.
There might be a few dropped lines
and a few missed cues,
but we'll, er... we'll be OK.
Erm, and, er, it's live.
It's Christmas Eve.
What do you expect? It's fun times.
So we'll get the gremlins sorted out
at this end.
No, don't lea...
Erm, as you heard my colleague
just... er, saying,
this is, erm, something new
and, of course, new things
can be a little scary.
Erm, but-but we are very lucky
to have theatrical royalty
waiting in the wings,
and gargling as we speak,
and warming up.
And...
we also have a powerhouse
of a true Christmas classic
to delight and entertain you.
And, of course, erm,
Mr David Tennant,
Mr Television himself,
and I are consummate professionals.
News just in, Michael.
Yes?
We thought that we had
cut the cameras, but, of course,
er, the live stream is still running
and you, er, have been watching us
all this time.
So, hello!
Hello, everyone.
All part of the live experience.
Exactly. So, without further ado...
JINGLE BELLS PLAY
..the Staged team are pleased to
present a live experience!
It's A Christmas Carol.
Live.
HARP GLISSANDOS PLAY
Ebenezer Scrooge
was a jolly old gentlemen.
Welcome to Marley & Scrooge.
Ben?
Uh, that's right.
Ben Marley.
Ben Marley, son of Jacob Marley.
That's correct.
Ben?
Marley. Ben Marley.
You see, my dad
started this whole thing
with the old humbug till you unplug
Ebenezer Scrooge.
Why are you here?
Did Georgia send you?
Georgia Cratchit?
Georgia Cratchit did send me.
That's right.
Why would Georgia send him?
Cos he knows how to improvise.
I could help you
with the rules, boys.
The rules of what?
Jacob Marley was an accountant,
wasn't he?
Yes, yes! Jacob... My dad...
Yes, Jacob Marley was an accountant.
I would love to teach you
the rules of accountancy.
Now, the first rule, my friends,
never say no.
That sounds like a terrible rule
for accountancy. OK?
If there's a knock on the door,
we let them in.
Always?
Always.
You never say no.
You say, "Yes, and?"
Yes, and?
Yes, and?
Well, that wouldn't be
the whole sentence.
"Yes," and then
you add more information.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll talk about it later.
Rule number two -
accidents are welcome.
Well, now we're straying into the
world insurance, not accountancy.
Well, maybe Ben Marley
is in insurance.
I am in insurance!
I am in insurance.
My dad's an accountant,
I'm in insurance.
Watch out, we'll get you in the end.
You know what I mean?
Rule number three is
you don't always have to be funny.
Just try to make
your scene partner look good,
and you shall look good as well.
Got it.
Got it. Got it. We're good.
Everybody's on the same page.
Shall we give it a go?
Oh, yeah!
OK.
HE EXHALES
Knock-knock.
Go away!
Wrong immediately.
Immediately.
I'm so confused. Never say no.
That's right. And if there's
a knock on the door... Let them in!
We let them in.
Are we all on the same page?
A quick nod.
Just so I know,
we're all on the same page? Yes.
Fantastic. Here it comes.
HE EXHALES
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
'Ello. Oh, 'ello.
I'm a lonely carol singer.
It's a lonely carol singer.
Hello. Hello, lonely carol singer.
Oh, 'ello, Mr Scrooge.
Am I Scrooge?
Yep, go for it. Yeah.
Well, I don't wanna be Scrooge.
Well, I mean...
Mr Scrooge? Mr Scrooge? 'Ello.
Er, in a minute,
lonely carol singer.
Why can't you be Scrooge?
AS COCKNEY: I'm Bob Cratchit.
'Ey, 'ey, Bob Cratchit!
Good to see you!
Hello, lovely carol singer.
Ha! You know, I used to have
a whole group, but now I'm lonely.
How about you, Cratchit?
Oh, warming my cockles,
so youse are.
I wanna be Bob Cratchit.
Sorry, no. You're Scrooge.
And I'm awfully cold outside.
Do you mind just letting me in?
My bones are hollow and my blood...
Oh, shut up, lonely carol singer!
Whoa!
Do you not like Christmas?
No, I love Christmas.
Scrooge 'ates Christmas.
I hate it. I hate Christmas so much!
Mr Scrooge, why do you
hate Christmas so much?
I hate Christmas...
Mm? ..because...
I hate it
because it's so... beurgh.
Beurgh?
Beurgh.
And it's...
Use your words, Mr Scrooge.
Tell me exactly why.
It'll help for everybody.
I... I don't...
Why do I hate Christmas?
Why does Scrooge hate Christmas?
You said you knew the book!
I mean, I've got a copy. I...
I haven't opened it.
Knock-knock.
BOTH: Adrian?!
No. There's someone at the door.
No, there's someone at the door!
Well, it's your office.
Well, I opened the last one.
If there's someone at the door,
we gotta let 'em in, right?
Never say no! Open the door.
Knock-knock.
Come in.
Ebenezer Scrooge?
Over there.
All right. Who are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am a ghost.
Ooh!
And that's how a ghost enters,
is it? What?
How?
Well, by knocking at a door?
If he is a well-brought-up ghost.
All right, whose ghost are you?
I, Mr Scrooge, am Jacob Marley.
Ooh, Ben!
Yeah?
The ghost of your father.
That's right, isn't it?
Uh...
But I wasn't...
Yeah, no, that...
Uh, no, that's... Uh, tech...
Dad, of course,
you know I'm Ben Marley,
and you're Jacob Marley.
You're my father, of course. Ah.
It's your son, the insurance broker.
Yes. Is this in the book?
Hello.
It's been a long time, Dad.
Good to see you.
Yes, it has.
Remember when we used to hang out
and be father and son when younger?
Oh, it's a long time ago.
Behold these chains.
Ooh, why are you wearing chains?
That's definitely in the book! Yes.
I forged these chains,
er, by my evil deeds. Now, you...
Ooh, what were your evil deeds?
I... I don't, erm...
Er, aggravated assault.
What?
What the fuck just happened?
Aggravated assault?
Does Mom know?!
He was very drunk, and I...
You beat up a drunk person, Dad?!
I mean, it's Christmas, guys...
Look, look, guys, I'm just here
because Georgia told me
to come and say
that I'd forged this chain
with my evil deeds,
and you'll be visited
by three ghosts
who are gonna
take you back through time
so that you can shun the path
that I now tread.
Can you two come with us?
Never say no!
I don't... Ben, can they?
Ben Marley, I don't know.
Jacob, you fucking...
You deal with it.
WOMAN: 'Dear!' I'm coming.
Expect the first ghost
when the bell... Sorry.
SPOOKY VOICE: Expect the first ghost
when the bell tolls one. Oh...
Time to get outta here.
You coming, Pop?
Yeah, I'm right behind you, mate.
Oh, God!
That was fun.
That was a car crash.
It was a rush.
I can hear my blood in my ears.
Cratchit and Scrooge, off we go
on another whirlwind adventure!
I wanna go home.
Oh, hello!
Georgia sent me. I haven't got long,
I'm hosting a party.
Which one of you is Scrooge?
He is. Me.
I'm Bob Cratchit.
And I am
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Oh.
And I've got the book. Ah.
I thought you'd be a bit...
What? You know...
Whoo, ooh.
What?
Less stressed, I suppose.
I'm making vol-au-vents.
No, of course. Outstanding.
I'm taking you back to the past.
How do we affect
such a strange transition,
wondrous spirit?
Well, er, close your eyes.
OK.
"Feel the cold on your skin
and the snow under your feet.
"Take in the sounds and smells,
each connected to..."
GENTLE CLATTERING
Where's she gone?
I dunno. Dunno.
Here she comes, here she comes.
Yep, sorry. It's...
"You're in a long, bare,
melancholy room lined with desks.
"At one of them sits a boy."
Who is this strange boy?
Don't you recognise him, Scrooge?
Is it me?
Is it 'im?
It's a lonely child. He's neglected.
BEEPING
Please, strange spirit,
may we talk with him?
They're just shadows. You can't...
BEEPING CONTINUES
I think we should talk to him.
No, no, no.
Never say no, never say no.
No. The ghost said we can't.
Ghost is making vol-au-vents,
so knock on the door, do it.
Knock-knock.
AS BOY: How can I help you?
No, you can't play Young Scrooge
as well. Yes, of course I can.
What would you want with me?
I want to talk with you.
Ooh! Alarming gentlemen, Mother says
I must never talk with strangers.
I am not a stranger.
Then who be thee, old sir?
I be you, from the future.
Ooh. When do I get fat?
Fuck you.
"Fuck you"?
No wonder
you're lonely and neglected.
I'm not lonely.
I have so many friends.
Oh, really?
Oh, yes.
Right, well, prove it.
Derek!
Derek?
Ah, here he is. This is Derek.
Say hello, Derek.
DEEP VOICE: 'Ello.
And this is Martin. And Emily.
AS GIRL: Hi! Hello.
I've got a friend, too.
Unlikely.
Yeah, this is Bob.
Hi.
Bob, this is young me.
AS DEREK: 'Ello.
AS EMILY: Hi.
And Derek.
AS DEREK: Hi. Hello.
Ooh, and watch out, here comes Emily
and that little scamp Martin.
DIFFERENT ACCENTS: Hi. Hi. Hello.
AS COCKNEY:
Pleased to meet youse all.
See? I've got
lots and lots of friends.
Yeah, well, guess what.
What? All your friends leave you.
Why?
Because you grow up into a cunt.
BELL DINGS
Erm, OK, I'm gonna go.
Have you spent enough time
in the past?
No, I want to live...
Oh, no, I think so.
No.
Let's move things along here.
I want to see what else there is.
Close your eyes.
Erm, you're here.
Where are we?
The present. Oh, thank God.
"The suburbs of the..."
Oh, for fuck's sake.
"The suburbs of the town,
Christmas Day, Bob Cratchit's home."
How exciting!
Outside my own very own house!
Georgia said there'll be
another ghost in a minute.
HISS
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
END OF CALL TONE
Ghost of Christmas Present.
I wonder who that's gonna be.
Ooh, who could that be?
Jim!
Jim!
Oh, absolutely not.
Listen, you pair of scrambled eggs,
I have an Academy Award,
which I think allows me
to make a mistake
with your
shitty little recording software
without you publishing it
as some sort of
fucking amusing appendix!
So to hell with both of you
on every level of
your navel-gazing abhorrence.
Merry Christmas.
END OF CALL TONE
Abrupt.
Mm.
What are we gonna do now?
Erm...
We've just lost our
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Do we need one?
We can't just wander
without supervision.
Well, I'm outside my house.
It's Christmas morning.
I'm gonna go look through
the window.
No, don't.
Let's go back to the office. Why?
Because that's the end of the story.
No, no!
I can see my family
through the window.
There she is,
Georgia cooking the turkey,
the children scrambling around,
setting the table
for Christmas lunch.
We should knock.
No. Why?
Because then they'll let us in.
We should knock on the door,
be welcomed inside
by my lovely friends.
It's all part of it.
All right, all right!
Knock on the door!
All right! Knock-knock.
BUZZING
Oh. Oh, shit.
Hello?
Lights have gone out.
Yeah.
Er, should we wait?
Are the microphones still...?
Well, we've lost power.
We must be off air.
Georgia?!
'Don't touch anything!'
No, I won't touch anything.
She'll fix it. Don't worry.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, my God. It's nice to have
a bit of a breather from that.
It's fun, though, isn't it?
Yeah? You enjoying yourself?
This is what I was talking about
in the loft the other day.
When?
Episode three.
The rat-a-tat, the knock-knock,
"Come in. What are we up to today?"
Ooh, ah, it's the space to play.
You didn't remember your lines.
But that wasn't...
It wasn't a line.
That wasn't written down.
That was part of the...
That was our real.
Oh, anyway... I miss it.
'It's gonna be
another couple of minutes!'
I used to be afraid of the dark.
I used to get anxious
when I couldn't see
where I was going.
I get more anxious when I can see
where I'm going and I don't like it.
Listen, I-I think we should
take a break.
Well, we're live
to the nation, so...
No, I... I mean...
..from each other.
David?
Yeah, yeah.
You just didn't say anything.
What do you want me to say?
When I announce something new
these days, people always ask,
"Oh, is David in it?"
Well, they like us together.
But we're not joined at the hip.
I like us together.
Come on, we're stuck in the past.
We're just reliving something
we did at a scary time
because it made us feel safe,
but we're not in that time any more.
I don't like change.
Like those people who aren't leaving
their houses still.
So what do you wanna do?
I don't know. Erm...
..finish this and...
..find something new.
You know? Something bold.
You don't think this is bold?
Not any more.
How long have you felt this way?
Well, I never wanted to do
a new series. That long?
Just going through
the motions, David.
Is this why you've been snarky?
I've not been snarky.
Well, I mean,
you haven't been charming.
We're the two halves of
a clapped-out pantomime horse.
I realise that you wanna keep
flogging it,
but I'm the one in the back
who's getting sore buttocks.
BUZZING
Georgia?
Hi.
Anna! Lily!
Dad!
Knock-knock.
Lucy? Where are you?
We're all upstairs.
I'm in the bath.
What are you all doing here?
Getting to the end of the story?
Knock-knock.
Erm, who's there?
Taxi for Mr Scrooge.
Oh, for... Where are we?
Marley & Scrooge Accountants.
Oh! Is it Christmas morning?
Yes, and I'm double parked, so...
Oh, where are you taking us?
Bob Cratchit's house.
That's the end of the story.
That's the plan.
Erm, how long will the journey take?
Oh, we're here!
Ooh. What do we do now?
Oh, erm, knock at the door?
Bob Cratchit?
Don't wanna.
It's your house.
Come on, Bob.
Let's finish the story.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Ebenezer Scrooge and Bob Cratchit.
Oh, come in. These are my children.
Hello, Mr Scrooge.
DEEP VOICE: Hello, Mr Scrooge.
What's wrong with him?
Well, where's Tiny Tim?
He's asleep upstairs.
Sit down, Mr Scrooge, and tell us
that you're a changed man.
I'm a changed man.
And tell us that you'll always
carry Christmas in your heart.
I will always
carry Christmas in my heart.
Oh, God bless us, everyone!
God bless us, every...
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
What? What?
We've already been here.
We have seen this Christmas.
No, you haven't.
Yes, we have.
We visited last night.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
dropped us off right here.
Well, can we just finish...?
And we looked through the window.
We were so close.
We saw you sitting down for dinner,
Georgia, and your strange children.
So?!
So is there a version
of us standing outside?
ANNA MOUTHS
That makes no sense.
Totally does. You've seen
Back To The Future, Bill & Ted,
Harry Potter And...
Yes. Well, you know,
we were outside then.
We're outside now.
He's right.
Lily!
Well, he is.
How do you know?!
I love this stuff.
Do you remember what Scrooge did?
What did I do?
You knocked at the door.
Don't.
Knock-knock, Mr Scrooge.
No.
Don't answer it.
Can't say no!
Never say no, never say no.
Are we on the other side
of that door?
Is that what you're saying?
Knock-knock.
Georgia?
Don't open the door. Lily?
He's right, Mr Scrooge.
Open the door, Mr Scrooge.
Why?!
It's the first fucking rule
of improvisation!
Don't you understand
the rules of time and space?
Oh, I understand the rules of time
and space! Open the door!
Why?
Because it'll be what you want!
It'll be something new,
something bold.
You and me
meeting versions of ourself.
I don't know!
Children, guard the door!
Yes, Mother. I have a broom.
I have a shovel.
Who are you?
The taxi driver.
Then we'll go through the motions.
Michael talking to Michael,
David talking to Michael.
This is one last hurrah!
It's too late.
Rat-a-tat for old time's sake!
Stop flogging the pantomime horse!
It's all part of it!
My buttocks!
Wait!
What?
Knock-knock.
Did anyone open the door yesterday?
Erm...
Did anyone open the door? No.
Knock-knock.
Then if you answer it now,
it establishes a new timeline.
So?
Knock-knock!
The versions of you here now
are only here now
because no-one
answered the door there then.
So if I open the door here now...
The you there then
can't become the you here now.
And the us here now...
Vanish.
And it's over?
You just have to answer the door.
Knock-knock.
No.
Open the door, Bob.
No, no, no.
Never say no.
Knock-knock.
I won't.
I'll raise your salary.
No. Pay the mortgage on this house.
Doesn't need to end this way.
Some way.
I'm afraid of change!
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock.
Knock-knock!
I've been listening.
Colly!
Don't call me that. I hate that.
Sorry.
We had Alfie spayed yesterday,
and he's been
a bit of a sad old fig since,
so I thought he might enjoy
listening to your voices. Dog.
He began whimpering
as soon as you started,
and then he was pawing at the door,
and then he shat himself.
It's not that bad, is it?
I'd have shat myself, too,
if we hadn't got guests.
We're just trying...
Ben Schwartz told us of...
The rules of improvisation.
This has to stop!
The problem with improvisation
is there's no structure,
so if you say yes to everything,
it never ends.
I don't want it to end.
But it must!
It's been lovely.
But that was then, and this is now.
And there are more stories to be...
MAN: 'Olivia!'
Yes?
'The dog shit himself again.'
There in a second. Sorry.
How old are you?
Er, 52.
51.
Sorry, no, just 50.
Height?
Average.
Little under.
Weight?
Average. Little over.
So we've got years left!
And there's... there's someone
knocking at the door.
But if we answer it, it's over.
But that's thrilling.
You OK, Bob?
OK, Scrooge.
You always made me look good.
You too.
Knock-knock.
Oh, wait, wait. Erm, who are you?
Oh, dunno. Tiny Tim?
Yeah.
JINGLE BELLS PLAY
Knock-knock.
BOTH: Come in.
And we're off.
Oh, thank God!
Thank you so much, Olivia.
It's a pleasure.
But please make sure
they do actually stop, though.
Yeah. Sorry.
OK, party time.
Party time!
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Lucy, could you please get me
some alcohol?
I will do that.
Thank you.
Lily, are you coming?
On my way.
OK, cool.
END OF CALL TONES
BACKGROUND CHATTER
CORK POPS,
WHOOPING
GLASSES CLINK
GLASS CLINKS
BACKGROUND CHATTER CONTINUES
Here he is.
Oh, here I am. Hi.
I feel like I'm in an episode.
Do you get that a lot?
Ha-ha! Quite a lot.
Er, yeah, well, all the time.
What do you usually say about it?
I usually say
that I hope I'm not as inept
and weaselly in real life.
What, are you?
No, I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
No, I love your work.
Oh, thank you so much.
I didn't like the first series.
Right.
But I didn't mind the second.
That's kind.
But I hated the third.
Hated it?
Until that final episode.
How... How did you
come up with that?
The fi...
The David and Michael improvising?
Yeah, it had a pace and an energy.
Mm, yeah. Yeah, interesting
you say that, actually, because...
And I loved the absurdity,
and the... and the...
and the passion.
It was inspired.
Was it?
I know there's been chatter
about what was written
and what was made up,
but I know talent when I see it,
and you have talent.
Do I?
And I want you to write for us.
For-For-For David and Michael?
No.
But for David?
No. For Michael?
HE CHUCKLES
Neither of them.
HE CHUCKLES
I... I-I don't understand.
Something new, something exciting.
Something that's yours. Just yours.
And this is based on
the-the final episode?
Your final episode.