Staged (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Is There a Version? - full transcript
DAVID: It's just been nice
to do something new.
MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.
I don't like resting on my laurels.
No, you don't.
I like to push myself,
as you know.
ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE
Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?
No, no, no, no. I'm...
You know, we've just been at this
for a while now.
Am I boring you?
It's nearly midnight.
Sleep in!
I can't. I have responsibilities.
Like what?
Er, like Christmas trees,
erm... family, love.
I want to tell you about my laurels.
And I sincerely do wanna hear
about your laurels.
It was an adventure.
Was it?
I pushed myself.
Yeah, well, you are doing an advert
for cream cheese.
But in Tokyo.
And I drove a car.
Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo?
Not a fucking clue.
I'm sure they will
when they see you drive a car.
I'm spreading the word.
MICHAEL SIGHS
Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?
I'm not in a mood.
I'm stuck in an airport!
Whose fault is that?
I need distracting.
Buy a book.
The shops aren't open yet.
Write a book.
When do you board?
I don't know. There's a delay.
Hang on, have you dyed your hair?
No.
It's looking terribly lush
and youthful.
It's just the light in this room.
Knock, knock.
No.
Come on!
No.
Come on, play with me.
No, play with yourself.
Oh, saucy! What's the first rule
of improvisation?
Never say no.
Never say no.
Give me a location, go on.
Erm, Tokyo airport?
Less specifically geographical.
An airport.
Give me a character.
Hyperactive Scottish actor
waiting for a plane.
Ooh, interesting.
Who's he talking to?
Hestia, the god of patience.
Give me a genre.
Tired romance.
Knock, knock.
Go away!
THICK ACCENT: I've got
a parcel for you.
I never ordered anything.
Label says, "Michael Sheen".
There's no Michael Sheen in here.
I think it's a big bottle
of hair dye.
Could you use it?
It's from a lovely lad,
name of David Tennant.
Never heard of her.
Oh, well,
shall I just leave it outside?
Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.
I tell you what, set fire to it
and throw it at a badger.
SIMON: I just need to talk to them.
LUCY: Isn't David still filming
in Japan?
Well, they've got phones in Japan
and in Wales.
Michael cocoons for Christmas.
How do you know
what Michael does for Christmas?
We talk all the time, to be honest.
What, you and Michael?
Yeah, and David.
But you're filming in the Caribbean.
Yeah, they've got phones here, too,
Simon.
How is it that everyone is filming
something except for me?
They're just so good together,
aren't they?
Simon, I'm running out of time.
I'm meant to be on set.
And I resent it.
Yeah, I won't be a minute.
But I can't ignore it.
I need to be in hair and make-up.
Look, the networks don't want me.
Nobody wants me.
Of course they do.
Only if I've got David and Michael.
So, get David and Michael.
I need an idea.
What happened with the film?
It was only gonna happen
if I had David and Michael.
Oh! And they said no?
They thought about it.
And then?
Then they said no.
The miniseries?
The same.
The play in the West End?
David or Michael.
For Hedda Gabler?
I was shopping a bold concept.
And David and Michael said...
Just went quiet this time.
The pantomime?
They wanted Georgia.
As what?
Dick Whittington's cat.
And she said no?
She left me a very angry voicemail.
Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
It was nice to hear her voice.
You need a new idea.
Been offered a radio play.
Oh, of?
Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
Hm. Do you want to do that?
No, I wanna write something!
They've said no to everything
you wrote since series two?
Comic Relief.
They said yes to Comic Relief.
You can't say no to Comic Relief.
It's like national service.
Lucy?
Yeah. I've got to go.
But if I offer them something
and they say no again,
that's it, I'm toast.
I know.
Yeah, OK, I'm coming.
Oh, um...
Is there a version of this?
Is there a version of what?
Erm...
Our director says it
when he wants us to try something.
What do you mean?
It's disarming, you can't say no.
Is there a version of this
where we cover it in one shot?
Is there a version of this
where we talk less emotionally,
where we discuss
working together again?
Is there a version of this?
Lucy.
I'm coming!
Start with that,
and just see what they say.
Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.
Bye-bye. Oh, er,
one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
So, they're not picking up
when I call,
so is there a version
of this where you...?
SHE SIGHS
Seriously?
My co-star reminded me of you.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, not you now you,
like, nowadays
grumpy old bastard you.
Not that you.
But you back in the day
when we first started
working together.
How so?
You know, it was playful,
quick-witted, youthful, curious.
I made him laugh.
Remember when I used
to make you laugh?
Well, I was young.
I laughed at glove puppets
and people falling over.
Yeah. We don't laugh any more.
We don't talk any more.
We're talking now.
Yeah, but only while we wait
for Lucy.
MICHAEL SIGHS
We talked last night.
Yeah, but you were in a mood.
I was not in a mood.
All right, fine.
You weren't in a mood.
WHISPERS: But you were.
MICHAEL HUFFS
Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?
I don't know.
Gonna go for a wee
before she joins us.
Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.
You know, she never saw your Hamlet.
Neither did you.
No, I didn't. You're right.
I never wanna see another Hamlet
as long as I live, I don't think.
Once you know who done it, sort of
takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?
Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.
WHISPERS: Fuck off!
No David?
No, he's in the toilet.
Oh. Will you be long?
I wouldn't think so.
Come on, Christmas trees.
TOILET FLUSHES
I don't wanna miss the tall ones.
He's always a double-flusher.
TOILET FLUSHES
And there we go.
Ah.
Ah, Anna!
Hello, David.
Where are you?
Tokyo.
What happened?
Planes have been grounded.
Volcanic ash in the sky.
You're in a hotel?
Indefinitely.
Well, you can't miss
Georgia's birthday!
I mean, I have very little control
over this situation.
She'll be furious.
It is a volcano, you know.
Well, have you got her
a good present?
I was gonna arrange a party.
What?
Have you done that before?
Well...
No.
But it can't be that difficult,
can it?
Will you say hi to Lucy for me?
I will.
OK.
Lycka till.
Shisha shill.
I always take the hotel art
off the wall.
Blandness frightens me.
I mean, if I were you,
I'd take down the mirrors.
Like skimmed milk.
I always feel
like they might be haunted
by the ghost of the colour beige.
There's no such thing as bad art.
No, that's a popular misconception.
Hi, everyone!
Ah!
Ah, there she is.
Lucy.
David, are you still in Tokyo?
Oh, Lucy, thank you so much
for noticing.
What can we do for you?
It sounded important.
Yeah, well, erm...
'Ello, 'ello.
HE LAUGHS
David! Michael!
I'm sorry, guys.
Oh...
Look, he's my brother, so...
Anyway, I'll leave you to it now.
Thanks, Lucy.
Thank you.
Oh, she's... Isn't she?
Just...
This is tiresome.
And I have missed you, too, Michael.
Why are you here?
Oh, just to catch up really.
Long time, no see.
Have you lost weight?
Who?
Er, both of you. Either of you?
No!
Michael, your hair looks...
Er... younger.
Younger?
Er, darker, is what I mean.
It's just the light in the room.
It's just the light!
Isn't it just great to have
the old gang back together, hm?
Did you get Lucy to set this up?
No! Let's all say our favourite line
from Staged at the same time,
shall we? One, two, three.
Who stole the cookie
from the cookie jar?
Lucy said she needed to speak to us.
Yeah, she was having
"a career crisis".
Did you tell her to say that?
I... I told her
I wanted to speak to you.
Speak to our agents, Simon.
Well, they're not returning
my calls.
Yeah, because they have your mugshot
on the wall of their office
with "Never answer the phone to
this fuckwit" written all over it.
You said you were bored
of doing Staged.
Not bored, not bored.
You wanted to do different things.
Different things with you.
No, no, no.
You said you were bored of us. Yes.
Is there a version of this
conversation where we all calm down?
Yes.
All right.
Is there a version
of this conversation
where I am able to speak
uninterrupted...
..for a bit?
It's not impossible.
It's not impossible, no.
OK, well...
Erm... er...
is there a version of... of...
of this...
..December where... we...?
Is there a version of December
where we all work together again?
There's always a version.
There is a version, isn't there?
Something... something classical,
theatrical,
the old rat-a-tat-tat,
the old charm.
Look, David's in Tokyo.
Yeah.
Michael's buying a Christmas tree.
Yeah.
Is there a version, though,
that celebrates all that?
There's always a version.
There's always a version.
I want to direct a radio play
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author,
which can be rehearsed anywhere,
quickly and easily,
and then performed live
from anywhere in the world
on Christmas Eve,
and I'm wondering
if there's a version of December
where we all do that together
and it's wonderful.
TV PLAYS FAINTLY
Looks like they're hoping
the wind is gonna blow
the smoke cloud away to the north.
How long's that gonna take?
I mean, I don't really know.
It's all in Japanese.
SHE SIGHS
Has anyone been hurt?
No, I don't think so.
Then it needs a stern talking to.
Yeah, it's a six-mile high
column of ash, but...
Well, that's no excuse
for petulance.
You'll be back for my birthday,
won't you?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.
David!
I never even wanted you
to do this fucking job anyway.
I will move mountains, my darling.
OK, well, moving mountains seems
to be the cause of the problem.
Can you get a train or something?
Japan's an island.
I know it's an island.
I just miss you.
I miss you, too.
Do the kids miss me?
I dunno. I'll ask them.
Kids, do you miss Dad?
That's awkward.
I mean...
They're pining.
Mm. I like that picture on the wall.
Yeah, me too. Look.
Boobies!
Yeah, it's well lit.
And hung.
Hanged.
No, that's not how you say that.
Michael has an aversion
to hotel room art.
Course he does. Is he still...?
A grumpy bastard? Yes!
Sorry.
I think he misses me, too.
Probably.
There was a wee moment,
there was a little...
a little flash of the old magic.
We were talking to Simon...
Why were you talking to Simon?
Oh, he finagled his way
into this call with Lucy,
but just for a second,
it was like the old times.
Zip, zap, bing, bong, whizz, wang...
OK, but why was Simon talking
to you?
He wanted to suggest something.
Oh, oh, did he?
Yeah.
Not a terrible idea, actually.
No? OK, tell me.
It's a radio version
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
You can rehearse it anywhere,
then we all come together
to perform it live on Christmas Eve.
OK, yeah,
he burned that bridge, David.
I know. He just wanted to know
if there was a version of December
where we all did that together,
that was all.
Did he ask like that?
Like what?
"Is there a version?"
I don't know. I think so, yeah.
Yeah, cos you don't use that phrase.
No.
Must've been Simon, then.
Yeah, OK. Well, he is
a pernicious little skunk.
Whoa! Why?
It's Machiavellian.
How is it Machiavellian?
Because you can't say no to it.
It removes all of the emotion.
People use it
when they wanna get their own way.
There's always a version
where this or that happens.
Doesn't mean it's the right one!
You're being paranoid.
Oh, am I?
Yeah.
Am I? Let's see, shall we?
PHONE DIALS
'Hi, Georgia.'
Hi, Anna. Hi. Listen.
I am really looking forward
to seeing you this weekend.
I was just wondering, is there
a version where you come to ours?
'Why are you using that phrase?'
What phrase?
'You know what phrase.'
Just proving something to David.
'Don't mind-game me, Tennant.'
OK, see you this weekend.
'Is there a version
where I shove...?'
Simon is manipulating us?
Mm-hm.
I didn't think he had it in him.
WHISPERS: Little shit.
Everyone's very excited.
You've told them?
I have Team Staged
back together again.
We're very excited.
Yes, we've talked about it non-stop
since you brought it up.
No second thoughts, I hope?
None.
Not a single second thought.
Can I just say that I'm sorry
for what I said publicly
about us before?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
You wanted to branch out.
Yeah, I wanted to try something new
to show that I could do new things.
I was frustrated, OK.
Just everyone wanted you.
Water under the bridge.
I was afraid I'd burnt the bridge.
Well, the bridge is fine.
I wonder if there's a version
of this whole experience
where we end up as friends.
I wonder that, too.
A version where we're best friends.
Wouldn't that be nice?
I was just thinking before I got on
the call, I wonder
if there's a version
where we don't do
Six Characters In Search
Of An Author, we do something else.
Not Six Characters?
I'm just saying.
Is there a version where I write
something original for us?
Something original?
I like the idea.
There is a version, isn't there?
There's certainly a version.
But is there a version
where someone else writes it?
Mm.
Someone else?
Is there a version, Simon?
Who?
Neil Gaiman, perhaps?
Neil Gaiman?!
Oh, no.
No.
Why not?
Because there's a version
where I never read his books,
and in that version,
I've kept that a secret for years.
I don't wanna chance
my luck any further.
You never read his books?
I'm saying
there's a version of reality
where I haven't.
Not even Good Omens?
I mean, I skimmed it.
He keeps sending us signed copies.
And there's a version
where I sell them on eBay.
Is there a version where I still
direct it, though, maybe?
Never mind Neil Gaiman.
What about Russell T Davies?
I'm sorry. There's a version
where I don't like Russell T Davies.
Why not?
Cos he doesn't like me.
Rubbish!
He never casts me.
Well, I mean, is there a version
where that doesn't matter
cos he's got loads of BAFTAs
and an OBE and shit?
But does he have
a British Comedy Award?
He's got that, too.
Disappointing.
He does not respect me.
He asked you to do
a bit from Under Milk Wood.
You can't swing a fucking cat
for people who've asked me
to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.
Is there a version where you stop
being so cantankerous?
I'm not being cantankerous.
No, you've been snarky and cold
with me for weeks now,
and I reach out and I try,
and you brush me off.
Well, is there a version
where you accept
that we have been working together
non-stop for two years
and I might not wanna spend
all my time with you all the time?
Is there a version
where I might want a change?
I don't know what to say.
Is there a version
where Simon's not the only one
who's bored of us?
I don't accept that version.
Can I just add
that I've already been paid for it
and... and have told them
that they'll have it
and they're expecting us
to do it on Christmas Eve,
so whatever we do,
there is a version
where we are doing it
and that is the version.
We're in that version.
Honestly, guys,
I'm so flattered to be asked.
Well, it was David's idea.
You been busy?
Just finished a novel, a new one.
Ah!
Exciting!
Fantasy?
Not this time.
This one is a Nordic noir.
Well, that's new!
I thought it was time to, you know,
branch out, do some new things,
show I'm not just a one-trick pony.
You know, I'll send you both a copy.
Thank you.
Of course.
You know, guys, I just thought
you would have gone
to Russell T Davies for this.
Well, Michael's not a fan.
I mean, what does the T
even stand for?
It stands for Stephen.
No, that can't be right.
Yeah, it's Stephen Russell Davies.
Well, that makes no sense!
Does it feel
a bit pretentious to you?
Well, redundant for sure.
Yeah, like a kitschy sort of spleen.
Michael C Sheen.
David J Tennant.
Neil RM Gaiman.
Ooh, two initials!
Yeah, I added one.
Does that feel ostentatious?
Well, it worked
for George RR Martin.
Yeah...
We are not talking
about George RR Martin.
I don't wanna talk about it.
So, a radio play!
Yes, you know, something original
or an adaptation.
One of mine?
David?
No.
Oh, why not?
David, come on.
Which one's your favourite
of my books?
Mm.
I mean, they're all very good.
I just think this should be,
like, an old classic maybe,
something familiar.
Who's directing?
Simon.
So, something idiot-proof, then.
Yeah.
Hm. OK, I've got one.
Great Expectations,
but Miss Havisham's death is treated
as suspicious.
Hamlet. You both love Hamlet,
but this time,
he's a gloomy Danish cop
who realises that his father's death
was suspicious
and his mother...
ear poison murdered him.
Pride And Prejudice.
We open on a misty Nordic lake.
See, I don't know that this needs
the Nordic approach.
Michael, it's where the money is.
Everybody loves Nordic.
Yeah.
Tales of bitter Gothic vengeance.
Just right for Christmas.
Yeah, something festive maybe?
What about A Christmas Carol?
Oh!
Oh, that's brilliant!
David, I love it! That's the tits!
OK.
So, Marley is dead to begin with.
Only Scrooge is gonna find out
who did it.
It's gonna be Bob Cratchit,
last person you'd suspect.
Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim did it.
Everybody's gonna love it.
Yeah, I don't really think
that's the way to go.
OK. No, I see your point.
That makes a lot of sense. But...
Is there a version of this
in which...?
Fuck you, Gaiman!
to do something new.
MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.
I don't like resting on my laurels.
No, you don't.
I like to push myself,
as you know.
ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE
Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?
No, no, no, no. I'm...
You know, we've just been at this
for a while now.
Am I boring you?
It's nearly midnight.
Sleep in!
I can't. I have responsibilities.
Like what?
Er, like Christmas trees,
erm... family, love.
I want to tell you about my laurels.
And I sincerely do wanna hear
about your laurels.
It was an adventure.
Was it?
I pushed myself.
Yeah, well, you are doing an advert
for cream cheese.
But in Tokyo.
And I drove a car.
Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo?
Not a fucking clue.
I'm sure they will
when they see you drive a car.
I'm spreading the word.
MICHAEL SIGHS
Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?
I'm not in a mood.
I'm stuck in an airport!
Whose fault is that?
I need distracting.
Buy a book.
The shops aren't open yet.
Write a book.
When do you board?
I don't know. There's a delay.
Hang on, have you dyed your hair?
No.
It's looking terribly lush
and youthful.
It's just the light in this room.
Knock, knock.
No.
Come on!
No.
Come on, play with me.
No, play with yourself.
Oh, saucy! What's the first rule
of improvisation?
Never say no.
Never say no.
Give me a location, go on.
Erm, Tokyo airport?
Less specifically geographical.
An airport.
Give me a character.
Hyperactive Scottish actor
waiting for a plane.
Ooh, interesting.
Who's he talking to?
Hestia, the god of patience.
Give me a genre.
Tired romance.
Knock, knock.
Go away!
THICK ACCENT: I've got
a parcel for you.
I never ordered anything.
Label says, "Michael Sheen".
There's no Michael Sheen in here.
I think it's a big bottle
of hair dye.
Could you use it?
It's from a lovely lad,
name of David Tennant.
Never heard of her.
Oh, well,
shall I just leave it outside?
Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.
I tell you what, set fire to it
and throw it at a badger.
SIMON: I just need to talk to them.
LUCY: Isn't David still filming
in Japan?
Well, they've got phones in Japan
and in Wales.
Michael cocoons for Christmas.
How do you know
what Michael does for Christmas?
We talk all the time, to be honest.
What, you and Michael?
Yeah, and David.
But you're filming in the Caribbean.
Yeah, they've got phones here, too,
Simon.
How is it that everyone is filming
something except for me?
They're just so good together,
aren't they?
Simon, I'm running out of time.
I'm meant to be on set.
And I resent it.
Yeah, I won't be a minute.
But I can't ignore it.
I need to be in hair and make-up.
Look, the networks don't want me.
Nobody wants me.
Of course they do.
Only if I've got David and Michael.
So, get David and Michael.
I need an idea.
What happened with the film?
It was only gonna happen
if I had David and Michael.
Oh! And they said no?
They thought about it.
And then?
Then they said no.
The miniseries?
The same.
The play in the West End?
David or Michael.
For Hedda Gabler?
I was shopping a bold concept.
And David and Michael said...
Just went quiet this time.
The pantomime?
They wanted Georgia.
As what?
Dick Whittington's cat.
And she said no?
She left me a very angry voicemail.
Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
It was nice to hear her voice.
You need a new idea.
Been offered a radio play.
Oh, of?
Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
Hm. Do you want to do that?
No, I wanna write something!
They've said no to everything
you wrote since series two?
Comic Relief.
They said yes to Comic Relief.
You can't say no to Comic Relief.
It's like national service.
Lucy?
Yeah. I've got to go.
But if I offer them something
and they say no again,
that's it, I'm toast.
I know.
Yeah, OK, I'm coming.
Oh, um...
Is there a version of this?
Is there a version of what?
Erm...
Our director says it
when he wants us to try something.
What do you mean?
It's disarming, you can't say no.
Is there a version of this
where we cover it in one shot?
Is there a version of this
where we talk less emotionally,
where we discuss
working together again?
Is there a version of this?
Lucy.
I'm coming!
Start with that,
and just see what they say.
Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.
Bye-bye. Oh, er,
one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
So, they're not picking up
when I call,
so is there a version
of this where you...?
SHE SIGHS
Seriously?
My co-star reminded me of you.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, not you now you,
like, nowadays
grumpy old bastard you.
Not that you.
But you back in the day
when we first started
working together.
How so?
You know, it was playful,
quick-witted, youthful, curious.
I made him laugh.
Remember when I used
to make you laugh?
Well, I was young.
I laughed at glove puppets
and people falling over.
Yeah. We don't laugh any more.
We don't talk any more.
We're talking now.
Yeah, but only while we wait
for Lucy.
MICHAEL SIGHS
We talked last night.
Yeah, but you were in a mood.
I was not in a mood.
All right, fine.
You weren't in a mood.
WHISPERS: But you were.
MICHAEL HUFFS
Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?
I don't know.
Gonna go for a wee
before she joins us.
Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.
You know, she never saw your Hamlet.
Neither did you.
No, I didn't. You're right.
I never wanna see another Hamlet
as long as I live, I don't think.
Once you know who done it, sort of
takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?
Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.
WHISPERS: Fuck off!
No David?
No, he's in the toilet.
Oh. Will you be long?
I wouldn't think so.
Come on, Christmas trees.
TOILET FLUSHES
I don't wanna miss the tall ones.
He's always a double-flusher.
TOILET FLUSHES
And there we go.
Ah.
Ah, Anna!
Hello, David.
Where are you?
Tokyo.
What happened?
Planes have been grounded.
Volcanic ash in the sky.
You're in a hotel?
Indefinitely.
Well, you can't miss
Georgia's birthday!
I mean, I have very little control
over this situation.
She'll be furious.
It is a volcano, you know.
Well, have you got her
a good present?
I was gonna arrange a party.
What?
Have you done that before?
Well...
No.
But it can't be that difficult,
can it?
Will you say hi to Lucy for me?
I will.
OK.
Lycka till.
Shisha shill.
I always take the hotel art
off the wall.
Blandness frightens me.
I mean, if I were you,
I'd take down the mirrors.
Like skimmed milk.
I always feel
like they might be haunted
by the ghost of the colour beige.
There's no such thing as bad art.
No, that's a popular misconception.
Hi, everyone!
Ah!
Ah, there she is.
Lucy.
David, are you still in Tokyo?
Oh, Lucy, thank you so much
for noticing.
What can we do for you?
It sounded important.
Yeah, well, erm...
'Ello, 'ello.
HE LAUGHS
David! Michael!
I'm sorry, guys.
Oh...
Look, he's my brother, so...
Anyway, I'll leave you to it now.
Thanks, Lucy.
Thank you.
Oh, she's... Isn't she?
Just...
This is tiresome.
And I have missed you, too, Michael.
Why are you here?
Oh, just to catch up really.
Long time, no see.
Have you lost weight?
Who?
Er, both of you. Either of you?
No!
Michael, your hair looks...
Er... younger.
Younger?
Er, darker, is what I mean.
It's just the light in the room.
It's just the light!
Isn't it just great to have
the old gang back together, hm?
Did you get Lucy to set this up?
No! Let's all say our favourite line
from Staged at the same time,
shall we? One, two, three.
Who stole the cookie
from the cookie jar?
Lucy said she needed to speak to us.
Yeah, she was having
"a career crisis".
Did you tell her to say that?
I... I told her
I wanted to speak to you.
Speak to our agents, Simon.
Well, they're not returning
my calls.
Yeah, because they have your mugshot
on the wall of their office
with "Never answer the phone to
this fuckwit" written all over it.
You said you were bored
of doing Staged.
Not bored, not bored.
You wanted to do different things.
Different things with you.
No, no, no.
You said you were bored of us. Yes.
Is there a version of this
conversation where we all calm down?
Yes.
All right.
Is there a version
of this conversation
where I am able to speak
uninterrupted...
..for a bit?
It's not impossible.
It's not impossible, no.
OK, well...
Erm... er...
is there a version of... of...
of this...
..December where... we...?
Is there a version of December
where we all work together again?
There's always a version.
There is a version, isn't there?
Something... something classical,
theatrical,
the old rat-a-tat-tat,
the old charm.
Look, David's in Tokyo.
Yeah.
Michael's buying a Christmas tree.
Yeah.
Is there a version, though,
that celebrates all that?
There's always a version.
There's always a version.
I want to direct a radio play
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author,
which can be rehearsed anywhere,
quickly and easily,
and then performed live
from anywhere in the world
on Christmas Eve,
and I'm wondering
if there's a version of December
where we all do that together
and it's wonderful.
TV PLAYS FAINTLY
Looks like they're hoping
the wind is gonna blow
the smoke cloud away to the north.
How long's that gonna take?
I mean, I don't really know.
It's all in Japanese.
SHE SIGHS
Has anyone been hurt?
No, I don't think so.
Then it needs a stern talking to.
Yeah, it's a six-mile high
column of ash, but...
Well, that's no excuse
for petulance.
You'll be back for my birthday,
won't you?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.
David!
I never even wanted you
to do this fucking job anyway.
I will move mountains, my darling.
OK, well, moving mountains seems
to be the cause of the problem.
Can you get a train or something?
Japan's an island.
I know it's an island.
I just miss you.
I miss you, too.
Do the kids miss me?
I dunno. I'll ask them.
Kids, do you miss Dad?
That's awkward.
I mean...
They're pining.
Mm. I like that picture on the wall.
Yeah, me too. Look.
Boobies!
Yeah, it's well lit.
And hung.
Hanged.
No, that's not how you say that.
Michael has an aversion
to hotel room art.
Course he does. Is he still...?
A grumpy bastard? Yes!
Sorry.
I think he misses me, too.
Probably.
There was a wee moment,
there was a little...
a little flash of the old magic.
We were talking to Simon...
Why were you talking to Simon?
Oh, he finagled his way
into this call with Lucy,
but just for a second,
it was like the old times.
Zip, zap, bing, bong, whizz, wang...
OK, but why was Simon talking
to you?
He wanted to suggest something.
Oh, oh, did he?
Yeah.
Not a terrible idea, actually.
No? OK, tell me.
It's a radio version
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
You can rehearse it anywhere,
then we all come together
to perform it live on Christmas Eve.
OK, yeah,
he burned that bridge, David.
I know. He just wanted to know
if there was a version of December
where we all did that together,
that was all.
Did he ask like that?
Like what?
"Is there a version?"
I don't know. I think so, yeah.
Yeah, cos you don't use that phrase.
No.
Must've been Simon, then.
Yeah, OK. Well, he is
a pernicious little skunk.
Whoa! Why?
It's Machiavellian.
How is it Machiavellian?
Because you can't say no to it.
It removes all of the emotion.
People use it
when they wanna get their own way.
There's always a version
where this or that happens.
Doesn't mean it's the right one!
You're being paranoid.
Oh, am I?
Yeah.
Am I? Let's see, shall we?
PHONE DIALS
'Hi, Georgia.'
Hi, Anna. Hi. Listen.
I am really looking forward
to seeing you this weekend.
I was just wondering, is there
a version where you come to ours?
'Why are you using that phrase?'
What phrase?
'You know what phrase.'
Just proving something to David.
'Don't mind-game me, Tennant.'
OK, see you this weekend.
'Is there a version
where I shove...?'
Simon is manipulating us?
Mm-hm.
I didn't think he had it in him.
WHISPERS: Little shit.
Everyone's very excited.
You've told them?
I have Team Staged
back together again.
We're very excited.
Yes, we've talked about it non-stop
since you brought it up.
No second thoughts, I hope?
None.
Not a single second thought.
Can I just say that I'm sorry
for what I said publicly
about us before?
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
You wanted to branch out.
Yeah, I wanted to try something new
to show that I could do new things.
I was frustrated, OK.
Just everyone wanted you.
Water under the bridge.
I was afraid I'd burnt the bridge.
Well, the bridge is fine.
I wonder if there's a version
of this whole experience
where we end up as friends.
I wonder that, too.
A version where we're best friends.
Wouldn't that be nice?
I was just thinking before I got on
the call, I wonder
if there's a version
where we don't do
Six Characters In Search
Of An Author, we do something else.
Not Six Characters?
I'm just saying.
Is there a version where I write
something original for us?
Something original?
I like the idea.
There is a version, isn't there?
There's certainly a version.
But is there a version
where someone else writes it?
Mm.
Someone else?
Is there a version, Simon?
Who?
Neil Gaiman, perhaps?
Neil Gaiman?!
Oh, no.
No.
Why not?
Because there's a version
where I never read his books,
and in that version,
I've kept that a secret for years.
I don't wanna chance
my luck any further.
You never read his books?
I'm saying
there's a version of reality
where I haven't.
Not even Good Omens?
I mean, I skimmed it.
He keeps sending us signed copies.
And there's a version
where I sell them on eBay.
Is there a version where I still
direct it, though, maybe?
Never mind Neil Gaiman.
What about Russell T Davies?
I'm sorry. There's a version
where I don't like Russell T Davies.
Why not?
Cos he doesn't like me.
Rubbish!
He never casts me.
Well, I mean, is there a version
where that doesn't matter
cos he's got loads of BAFTAs
and an OBE and shit?
But does he have
a British Comedy Award?
He's got that, too.
Disappointing.
He does not respect me.
He asked you to do
a bit from Under Milk Wood.
You can't swing a fucking cat
for people who've asked me
to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.
Is there a version where you stop
being so cantankerous?
I'm not being cantankerous.
No, you've been snarky and cold
with me for weeks now,
and I reach out and I try,
and you brush me off.
Well, is there a version
where you accept
that we have been working together
non-stop for two years
and I might not wanna spend
all my time with you all the time?
Is there a version
where I might want a change?
I don't know what to say.
Is there a version
where Simon's not the only one
who's bored of us?
I don't accept that version.
Can I just add
that I've already been paid for it
and... and have told them
that they'll have it
and they're expecting us
to do it on Christmas Eve,
so whatever we do,
there is a version
where we are doing it
and that is the version.
We're in that version.
Honestly, guys,
I'm so flattered to be asked.
Well, it was David's idea.
You been busy?
Just finished a novel, a new one.
Ah!
Exciting!
Fantasy?
Not this time.
This one is a Nordic noir.
Well, that's new!
I thought it was time to, you know,
branch out, do some new things,
show I'm not just a one-trick pony.
You know, I'll send you both a copy.
Thank you.
Of course.
You know, guys, I just thought
you would have gone
to Russell T Davies for this.
Well, Michael's not a fan.
I mean, what does the T
even stand for?
It stands for Stephen.
No, that can't be right.
Yeah, it's Stephen Russell Davies.
Well, that makes no sense!
Does it feel
a bit pretentious to you?
Well, redundant for sure.
Yeah, like a kitschy sort of spleen.
Michael C Sheen.
David J Tennant.
Neil RM Gaiman.
Ooh, two initials!
Yeah, I added one.
Does that feel ostentatious?
Well, it worked
for George RR Martin.
Yeah...
We are not talking
about George RR Martin.
I don't wanna talk about it.
So, a radio play!
Yes, you know, something original
or an adaptation.
One of mine?
David?
No.
Oh, why not?
David, come on.
Which one's your favourite
of my books?
Mm.
I mean, they're all very good.
I just think this should be,
like, an old classic maybe,
something familiar.
Who's directing?
Simon.
So, something idiot-proof, then.
Yeah.
Hm. OK, I've got one.
Great Expectations,
but Miss Havisham's death is treated
as suspicious.
Hamlet. You both love Hamlet,
but this time,
he's a gloomy Danish cop
who realises that his father's death
was suspicious
and his mother...
ear poison murdered him.
Pride And Prejudice.
We open on a misty Nordic lake.
See, I don't know that this needs
the Nordic approach.
Michael, it's where the money is.
Everybody loves Nordic.
Yeah.
Tales of bitter Gothic vengeance.
Just right for Christmas.
Yeah, something festive maybe?
What about A Christmas Carol?
Oh!
Oh, that's brilliant!
David, I love it! That's the tits!
OK.
So, Marley is dead to begin with.
Only Scrooge is gonna find out
who did it.
It's gonna be Bob Cratchit,
last person you'd suspect.
Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim did it.
Everybody's gonna love it.
Yeah, I don't really think
that's the way to go.
OK. No, I see your point.
That makes a lot of sense. But...
Is there a version of this
in which...?
Fuck you, Gaiman!