Staged (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Warthog and the Mongoose: Part Two - full transcript

Hello?

Hello?

Hi. Hi.

What's going on?

What, didn't you call ME? Uh, nope.

Michael? Yeah?

Did you call David?

Uh, yes, well, I did try to call,
but then I changed my mind.

Why? Well, it occurred to me

if I wanted to endure a deluge of
vacuous crap,

I could just put my head
in the toilet.



He said, er...
Yeah, I heard him, yeah.

He just needs to vent to someone.

Oh, and you can tell him that,
if you like,

the toilet thing.

Right, OK. If you...

..could go anywhere in the world,
where would you go?

Oh! Erm...

..Cambodia. Yes.

The food, the culture. Yep.

It's so unfamiliar.

There's a temple in the hills,
and it's the quietest place

I have ever been.

Who are you talking to? Anna.

Oh! Tell her to tell him
he's a twat!



Where would YOU go?

I think I would take a road trip
around Europe.

That's intrepid.

I'd start in Austria.

I LOVE Austria.

Then I'd go Czechoslovakia,
then Poland.

Yeah, that's the route
the Nazis took.

Right, that...that isn't why
I suggested those countries. No.

Maybe I'd go on to Paris.
That's just making it worse.

Did you tell him about the...shit
in the ears?

I heard that! What?!I heard you!

Have you heard
of the Bechdel test?

No. Right.
Well, it's the measurement

of whether a scene features at least

two women talking to each other
about something other than a man.

Tell Michael I never want
to speak to him ever again

as long as I might live. Tell David

that's the best news
that I've heard all day.

Can you hear me
from over there?

OK. It's just, I don't know,

it's hard, you're only in the corner

of mine, but maybe it's...maybe

I could do something... Anyway.

You want to...you want to read it,
read through it?

There's not really any point. Oh.

They're reworking the Michael
character, doing rewrites.

Oh...

Why?Cos he's a psychopath.

Sorry, are you not kidding?
I can't see your face very well.

Is that a joke? Why do you say
he's a psychopath?

Well, have you read the script, Jim?

Yes, I've read the script.
There you go, then.

I like this a lot.Really?

OK. OK, see, I... To me, David,
the character of Michael,

it just seems very real.

He's entirely implausible.

Well, no, I mean,
like, in a comedy way

he's, like, heightened.
It's exaggerated for comedy.

What he is is a fucking arsehole,
that's what he is.

I didn't get that. He's an asshole.
Yeah.

That's so fascinating to me,
it's not...

Where...where do you see the asshole
in this?

No, no,
he's not an interesting arsehole.

That doesn't make him enigmatic
and complicated.

He's an entirely featureless
arsehole.

He's a vanilla arsehole.

He's the most featureless vanilla
arsehole you could ever come across.

I wonder, could you be more
specific, like, about what's

in here that...that reads
asshole to you?

I need a toehold.

Well, he says I look pox-ridden.

OK, pox-ridden. Yeah?

Then he compares me to a Muppet.

Yeah!

Which is the comedy bit... Yeah,
I mean, it's... I guess it's harsh.

Asshole.Says that my eyes tire.

But I think, I mean, it's just kind
of fun playing.

We're just kind of... We all put out
something that, like, we...we give

something of ourself to the
process that we allow

to be made fun of
without hurting too much,

and, I mean, your eyes are
a little bloodshot.

Oh, right. From here.

Are they portals to a barren,
parched, arid landscape?

Are they? What, can you see

the scorched earth there?
Have you got that?

No, I don't see...

I think that's definitely something
they'll have to add later

in post, in edit. I mean,
you're not even playing the part.

I don't...Well, no, of course.

Look, here's what I think it is.

I think what you're responding to
in Michael is the way

he's...lashing out.

Lashing out? Yes.

Because his feelings are hurt.

Right. Jim, have you even read
the script?

David, have YOU?

Cos we're not seeing
the same thing at ALL.

I've read all of my bits.

David lied to him.

Well, only in the show. Yes,

you lied to him in the...
What are we talking about?

Nothing. That's it. OK.Yeah.

So Michael is hurting
because he feels disconnected

from his best friend.

Well...
Yes. And it's very sweet to me.

I mean, Michael is defined by David,
and he doesn't have him right now.

And David is defined by Michael.

This symbiotic relationship.
People love this kind of thing.

It's symbiotic,
like a warthog and a mongoose.

Which one am I?

I don't know, David.

This didn't go like I thought
it would.

You know what? Oh, my God,
I forgot that

my phone...is ringing.

I don't hear your phone.

OK, he's not talking to Michael.

Yeah, and when he doesn't talk to
Michael, he talks to me. At me.

OK. Do you like bats, Simon? Bats?
Bats.

Yeah, he's a bit like a bat,
just sort of, um,

spraying out white noise,

echolocating,

triangulating my position

with his inane bollocks.

Do you have a cupboard?

Have you tried hiding?

OK, you need to fix this.

Why do I need to fix this?
Because you broke it.

How did I break it?
Because you left them here.

Not deliberately!
No?! No! No? No.

OK, Simon, there is a call
that you scheduled today with them.

Yeah? What's it about?

Just notes on the script
from the other actors.

OK, so you just need
to get them talking. Right.

So you need to try being...

..bright and enthusiastic

and... What are you doing?

I'm writing down
"bright and enthusiastic".

OK, Simon, are you going
to able to handle this?

Yes, yes, I can handle this.

David and Michael, they just need...
They have to start talking.

David called me a mollusc.

You've been called worse.
I've not.

You fucking should have been.

Um, Michael is a sadist.

And David is a soggy paper bag.

I mean...

I think the pressing note
was that Michael comes across as...

..an impossible character.

Nobody could be
THAT ludicrously revolting.

But can I...can I just stop you
there?

Because what's interesting is,
from the people who were reading

with me, they felt that they wanted
to see the Michael character,

um, be MORE punishing of the David
character,

that if he is going to be
THAT needy,

and whingy, and moany

that they wanted to see Michael
come in harder with him,

like, to really, like, give it
to him because he needs...he needs

to be shaken like a rag doll.

Michael, do you want to shake David?
It's not me.

Hey, these are just characters.
Got nothing to do me.

Cos the people I was reading
with had very much

the directly opposite experience.

They were... They found this boorish
bully, this unpleasant...

..who loved the sound of his own
voice. OK.That's the feedback.

I'm just giving you an honest
appraisal. Thank you, David.

Thank you. And, Michael...

Just a vessel, just giving you
what was said.

Maybe, Michael, would you like to
say thank you to David?

Would you like to thank David
for his honesty?

Merci beaucoup to you.

David, would you like
to thank Michael for his honesty?

That didn't feel very sincere.

So I don't want to... I don't
want to get involved in this.

I think it... I think it trivialises
something quite important.

OK, well, there's...there's
a lot to be getting on with.

Time for a lot of that.

But I can...
It's food for thought, isn't it?

Where ARE you?

I'm...in my house.

You're not in your kitchen.

No, I'm in my spare room.

The baby's asleep in the kitchen.

Uh, shit.

I sort of need you to be in your
kitchen. I prepared it...

I prepared it that way for you to be
doing it in your kitchen,

and I'd be doing it
where I feel most comfortable.

Well, I'm so sorry, Josh, but...

..our baby didn't sleep at all
last night,

and then she just fell asleep
in the kitchen.

So if you can work with it
being in the spare room

rather than the kitchen,
I would be very appreciative.

All right. OK. OK.

I can act wherever.

I don't need that, I guess.
Thank you.

Fine. Let's go. Let's go.

But, you know, I don't think
you needed to learn it.

I learn things.

That's what I do.

Look at me. Look at me.

Yeah. Yeah.

So maybe I held some things back,

but only because I have found

in my time with Michael that....

Fuck's sake, man.

For fuck's sake.

What? This is serious.

Yeah, I'm sorry. This. I'm being
serious, I'm being serious.

I'm sorry. Let's go again.
Let's go again.

I wanted to avoid any hold-up.

Let's not play the blame game.
Stay with me.

That's it. Stay with me.

You know, as our time
was so limited.

Let's not start doing that.
Now, let's take it somewhere else.

OK?

Doing what?

Er... Pointing fingers?

That's it.
And I throw you the ball.

Um, sorry, what do you want me
to do?

Fucking make it up, OK?

Improvisation,
I believe it's called.

I'm really tired.

Look at me. Look at me.
I don't want to! Look at me!

I'm David.

I'm David, I've called you
every name under the sun.

You've taken it,
taken it like a wee big baby.

You've just taken it...

..to call you oversensitive.

Do you know what? Do you know what?
Do you know what?

You don't know
the meaning of oversensitive.

You're like a fucking walking nerve
end... Everything upsets you.

I mean, I want to...I want to
be there for you.

But not a day goes by
that something isn't gnawing

at your stupid, stupid brain!

You know, I could cope when it was
about the big things, you know,

when your daily existential
panic attacks

were about a fucking plague!

But now the summit of your concerns
seems to be,

"Oh, I can't use the dining room
for my phone call," or,

"Oh, I didn't know
there was a family calendar."

And that's fine.
You know, that's fine.

But don't get on a video call
with your stupid hangdog eyes

and whine and whine and...!

Look, if it helps you to expunge,
then fucking God bless

and go for it.
But I don't work that way!

I want to be there for...
God knows I want to be there

for ALL my friends, you know?
I don't want to be here for them.

I want to be THERE for them.

Do you know what I'd like? -

as if you'd ever fucking ask -

I would like just to hug someone,
you know,

because I'm struggling, too.

And listening to your agony aunt,

spoken-word, self-indulgent,
self-help, shit undergrad,

beat poem is fucking KILLING ME!

That was fucking wild.

I just wondered whether
you were ever going to come out.

Am I a warthog or a mongoose?

I don't know. Er...

I guess you'd be the mongoose.
Oh, fuck you!

All right, fine, be the warthog.

I thought you meant physically.

It's better than being Rafiki.

Which one's Rafiki?He's the baboon.

Just call the fucking warthog.

I HAVE become needy.

I've stopped listening.

I just want to get back to normal.

I know.

Can't go out, can't stay in,
can't go to work.

It's like every shred of normality
is now smeared in shit.

I feel trapped.

What, in these little digital boxes?

Yes.

I fucking hate them.

Oh, I hate them.

Staring at your face all day.

Well, yes,
I have to stare at my face, too,

grinning like a fucking loon.

Like, I grin, like, "Are you funny?
I find you funny.

"So fucking funny!" A smile
I don't believe in any more!

You know, I haven't smiled properly
in months.

I'm clamping my jaw so hard,
it's giving me headaches.

My masseter muscles are like
fucking walnuts.

How long have we been here?

What, in this hellscape,
pixel-mirror, time dungeon? Yes.

A million years.

Really?

Mm.

How do we escape?

I don't know.