Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

You guys are gorgeous.

What do you want from me?
-Absolutely nothing.

Jealous that Reut is better-looking
and more successful than you?

I feel sorry that a handsome,
good-hearted man like him

is going to end up
with a girl like you.

I understand that you want me
and are beside yourself.

Can you help me join... Tinder?
-Tinder?

Now what happens...

Yeah?
-If I want someone,

but he wants me too?

A messenger will show up
at your door... -You asshole.



From Tinder International.

Try thinking about
where he proposed to you.

Is there something
you never told him?

Enough, Tomer,
I don't like these exercises.

I think that I'm

still totally in love with my ex.

Then why did you want
to go on this date?

Because I wanted
to kiss someone.

Sarel!

She's not answering...
-What?!

Maya's not answering,
Tali drove over to her house.

I heard you
the first time.

Where the hell is she?

Do you realize
the Culture Minister is here?



The Minister wants to talk to you,

she's on her way backstage.

God help me.
Run and tidy my office. Run!

You.
You fill in for Maya.

What?
-Fill in for Maya Gutman!

I don't know her part.
-You've done this lousy play 300 times,

didn't you get any of it?

No, I know some of it.

The rest Sarel
will tell you in your earphone.

Now go...
-But Vera, who will do my part?

What?
-Who will play the dog?

Nobody even knows
there's a dog in this play!

Don't stand there
like a halfwit!

What?

Take your stupid friends
that I pay

and get Maya Gutman here!

Whoever stands around today
without moving

won't get paid this month!

Oh, our honored guests,
how are you? -Fine.

Is something wrong?

A small technical problem.

I apologize,
come with me.

What can we do?
That's life in the theater.

It's like a circus

or the parliament,

anything can happen.
-Don't worry about it.

I truly apologize,
I'll cut off someone's head.

Check the ceviche, Buddha.
-Okay.

What is that?
Is that fish?

Yeah, taste it, Dad.

The sea-bream fillet
is in miso, Buddha.

What's sea-bream?
It's a fish?

Taste it, Dad,
it's in sauce.

Is this miso?
Is this the miso?

Yes, Zvika, it's miso sauce.

Miso, miso, I heard you, miso.

Buddha, we said no phones.
-You're right. Okay.

Excuse me.

Dear audience,
we apologize,

the play will begin shortly.

I'll have to sit like this
for two hours?

How long is the play?
-I don't know.

Probably an hour and a half.

Why don't they start already?

Because of the minister?
-What minister?

The Culture Minister
is here to see the play.

What for?

I don't know,
I guess she likes theater.

No one likes theater.
-She does.

Everybody comes here to sleep.

So, how was your date
with that guy from Tinder?

Okay.

Nice. Sweet.

It wasn't it.

We kissed.

What do you mean,
"nice, sweet, it wasn't it, we kissed"?

Why did you kiss him?

I don't know why.

You don't know why?

How can you not know why?

Excuse me, are we married?

I wanted to kiss him,
so I kissed him.

I like kissing.

Fine, fine, fine.
-Fine.

"I like kissing..."

Kiss the old guy sitting next to you,
he likes kissing too.

I already kissed him,

that's why there's
tension between us. -Nice.

We kissed just before.

See the usher over there?

Which one?
-That guy.

Go kiss him. -I asked him
before if he wanted to,

but he's like...

afraid of intimacy.

We didn't go for it.

Listen, if the play is crappy,
I'm gonna tell them that it's great.

So...

don't give me away.

Understand why I never
go to my friends' plays?

Everyone gets offended anyway.
-Yeah, that's why you don't go.

Then why did you come now?

What did you ask?

Why did you come now?

What?

Dear audience,
we apologize for the delay,

the play will begin shortly.

Let's go see
what's delaying them.

Let's just go.
-Come on.

-Home.
-Excuse me.

Please come in.
-Wow, what a cultural room.

I'm leaving you here
with Karina, my secretary...

I mean, head of
our artistic department.

She knows everything,
reads everything, you name it.

She'll give you a full update.

Okay, thank you.
-Karina.

So...

we have a very interesting repertoire
this year.

Hanoch Levin, Nissim Aloni,

Chekhov.
-Please, before you continue,

get me a cup of tea.
Moti, don't overdo it with the wine.

Just tell me if it was cool,
so I know

that it's okay...
Is it okay?

It's okay.
Vera, why aren't we starting?

You! Dog!

Why? -You play the dog
instead of Elinor.

Elinor will do Maya's part.
Sarel!

At least we have a dog.

It's easy, no text,
just bark.

No, Vera,

I'm not playing a dog.
-What did you say?

I don't do stuff like that...

You listen to me!

When you're in this theater,
you'll play a dog,

an elephant,
you'll even play a cabbage

if I tell you to.

You, come here.
Go talk to the Minister

about this, that and the other.

You're a woman
and you're a writer

and you're original
and you're young.

I don't do these kinds of parts.

The audience doesn't mind.

If you open up their hearts,
they don't mind if it's with a big key

or a small key.

It's a great honor for me to meet you.
-For me too.

Vera says
you're a very promising playwright.

What time do you have?

I hope I'll live up to it.

It's five to nine.

Moti, we'll be leaving soon.

I understand that you increased
funding for theaters.

Oh no. Shit.

What's wrong?

I have a run in my nylons.
-Oh no.

So what is your play about?

It's a play about relationships.

It's like a comedy,
situations from...

Minister, I have nail polish.
-Nail polish?

Your generation
still uses that trick?

No one's come up
with anything better.

Yes, and we still use
paper ballots to vote. -That's true. I...

May I?

Moti...

Don't look.

Nir, what do I have a bodyguard for?

Do me a favor,
stand outside the door.

Yes, so the play,
what's it about?

It's a comedy

based on
my relationship with my ex

and he's directing it.

When did you break up?

Right when we started
working on the play.

And how do you...
work together?

What can I tell you?
It's...

complicated.

Complicated?
It's awful.

Me and my ex were in the same administration;
that was complicated.

We fought non-stop.

I objected to every
bill he submitted

and made sure the whole party
would object.

To this day there's no access
for the disabled at Masada

and that's a shame.
-A crying shame.

But what could I do?
He drove me nuts.

Of course. It's awful.
-Nightmare.

Did you resign in the end?

Me? Resign?

Let him resign! No way.

Wait a second, Minister.

Please, don't call me 'Minister'.

it's too formal.

Then what am
I supposed to say? Shulamit?

Yes, that's my name.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

So tell me, Shulamit,

after you and your ex divorced,
when...

how long did it take
until you felt...

you could be with another man?
-Men?

I believe in terms.

Four years.

Every four years, you need a change,
in relationships too.

I realized that after my divorce.
-Then when did you and Moti meet?

Moti is new.

Two months.

My new boyfriend.

Really?
-Yes, it's refreshing,

I don't have time
to take things to heart.

But what is it worth
if you don't take things to heart?

Minister.
-Yes.

Shooting attack near Hebron.

I knew it, I just knew it.

Let me know if they're
holding a cabinet meeting.

Then I won't have to see
the play or anything.

Moti, shall we go?

Vera, the audience is complaining,
people want to leave.

They can go to hell.

Shlomik, my heart can't take this,

go to my office
and talk to the Culture Minister.

Vera, give me a break.
-She loves you,

Says you're
an unalienable asset and shit...

I hate that!

Stop sending me
to talk to everyone.

She'll promise me
another Lifetime Achievement Award!

Same shit every year.
-What should I do?

Cancel the performance.

Can I tell you something?

There will be a show
and everything will be okay,

listen to someone who's
been here for 60 years.

At the end of the day,
the theater's magic

always comes through!

God help me.
Why do I deserve this?

Just tell her the truth.

Fuck off, Shlomo.

The truth isn't an option.

I like the coleslaw.

No coleslaw,
it's so eighties.

No?
-No.

Then no.

It's okay,
I don't need coleslaw.

It's way too much
for me anyway.

Can I have it?

Maya, I don't know
if Reut told you,

but in our town

we do pot-luck weddings.

Instead of a check.

And it's lovely.

Mom, we're not having
that kind of wedding.

No, I'm just saying.

If everyone brings something

you can serve it on big trays
and tables...

We're not going to have a wedding
with homemade food, okay?

Mom, enough.

No is no...

as long as Reut is happy.
-He's happy.

Cheers.
-Cheers, Dad.

Cheers, Buddha.
-Cheers, gorgeous.

I'm sorry, Maya,
I know we said no phones,

I'll just take a look
to see if the hospital called,

maybe your foot brace
is ready, Zvika.

I walk fine without it!
Foot brace...

She's doing it on purpose.
-You're overreacting.

She's doing it on purpose.
-Breathe.

Will she take her phone out
during the wedding, too? -Breathe.

Maya, it's from your theater.

What?
-Wait, it's a recording.

How should I know
who was looking for me?

What extension should I push?
-Shit! Shit!

What's wrong, Buddha?
-No, no, no.

What is it?
-I'm dead.

You have a show?

Is tapioca the same as tempura, Reut?
-Sarel?

I'm on my way.

What Culture Minister?
-What?

It's today?
-What happened with the Culture Minister?

I'm on my way.

Just tell them
I'm on my way!

I didn't write it down,
how is that possible?

She's the one who said
no phones.

I wanted to focus on our relationship!

Buddha!
-I wanted to focus on our relationship!

How much time do you have?
-No, no, no.

How much time do you have?

Yuvi will take you
on his motorcycle. -What?

Yuvi has a motorcycle,
he lives nearby.

Yuvi who?

This way you won't
get stuck in traffic.

Maya, breathe deep, deep,
like the sea.

Listen, man, where are you?

Oh, this is tempura!

Thanks so much, man.

You said it was an emergency.

Get on, princess.

The helmet should fit you.

Thanks, brother.
-No problem.

Let me do it, Buddha.

Trust him,
he's the best driver in town.

Have a safe trip.

Bye.

Hold him tight!

Tali, if I decide to cancel,

how much will it cost
to give everyone a refund?

Give me a number!

Vera.

One moment. What?
-Vera, Vera,

we found Maya,
she's on her way.

Don't do anything!
No refunds!

Where is she?
-Oh the way, on a motorcycle.

How long will it take her?
-I don't know,

But should I tell Elinor-
-Who cares about Elinor?

Sarel, focus.

What do I tell the Minister?

Good question.
-Great, thanks.

Hello.
-How are we doing?

We're taking care
of the problem,

it'll take a little while,
but it'll all work out.

Meanwhile, I arranged
a tour of the theater for you.

But first...

I know there's someone
you'll be very happy to see.

One moment.

Shlomo, knock-knock.

He was so happy to hear that you...

Hello.
-Hello.

Where's Shlomo?
-Shlomo isn't here,

I think he went to makeup.

How are you, Minister?
-Very good, thank you.

Get dressed.
-Right, get dressed.

Good luck tonight.
-Thank you.

Hello, hello?

Sorry for the interruption.

It's a great honor for our theater
to have an artist of his calibre here.

Paul Groshovsky,

the greatest director in Europe.

The Israeli Minister of Culture.

The Israeli Minister of Culture.

This is the Israeli Minister of Culture.

And this is Tomer, a director.

Paul is directing Chekhov here.

So you're Tomer?

Yes, nice to meet you.

Yes, Tomer is directing
a new original Israeli comedy.

I don't want to interrupt for too long.
He's a big director.

The bigger they are,
the more you have to...

Are you directing
the play about the couple?

Yes, that's right.

With your ex-girlfriend?

Yes. That's right.

Why aren't you two together?

He's doing a play
with his ex-girlfriend.

I don't understand.

No, I want to understand.

Why is a young couple
that's creating together,

that has so much in common,

why were you so quick to break up?

No, we weren't so quick...

No, we weren't so quick,

Iris and I broke up
after many...

No, no, no, simple answers.

Okay, uh...

I didn't feel, uh...

Uh-buh-schmuh,
just answer her,

it's not that complicated.

Okay, I understand.
-Okay. -Thank you.

Good luck to you all.
Shall we continue?

I want to read something
from his play.

But in what language?

You in Hebrew

and you in German.

What are you doing?
-Stop it.

What are you doing?
-Reading a book.

What's with you?

I'm bored.

Isn't there
something you can do on your own?

On my own?
I've been doing that since I was six.

But you're annoying me.

You think I like it?

You think I don't realize
I'm bothering you?

Then why are you?
-Because I'm bored!

And there's only you here.
Tzutz, there's only you!

Then go out,
do something outside.

I wish I could go out, but I can't,

I don't feel like going anywhere
that's not here

and I don't feel like doing anything
that's not with you.

It's awful!

This is funny.

No, it's genius.

You can't tell if they're
brother and sister or lovers.

-What did you say?

I said that you said it's genius,
but that you're being over-dramatic.

Why am I being over-dramatic?
-Because it's not genius,

it's cute.

Perhaps you'd like your boyfriend
to think that I'm an idiot?

And you think you're so smart?

Coward! Coward!

Tell him to his face
what you said to me!

That's exactly what's so genius!

You don't know!
This is life, this is love!

You know nothing about love!

There's a man like you
at every port.

Heli, I'm hiding in here
for the time being, okay?

Let them look for me.
-Okay.

What happened to you?

Nothing happened to me.

Oh, you're filling in for Elinor?

So you're my dog today?

Watch it, Shlomo,
I'm not your dog.

I'm nobody's dog.
What is this...

Let me hear you bark.
-Forget it.

Just one bark, please.

One bark, for me.
-Stop it.

Why the dramatics?
-Knock it off.

Let's piss him off.

Just try.

Cut it out, Shlomo!

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Everyone can fuck off!

The audience is a bunch of old fogies
from the suburbs, who cares?

Oh, you're stressed

because of the Minister?
-What?

Why should I care?
-That's what this is about,

you're a little stressed.

Bark in her face.

Walk up to her and go...

Stop it!

Shlomo, get out.
enough already!

You're driving me nuts!

You can see I'm bummed.
-Relax, relax.

It's just a dog, big deal.
-No, no,

'big deal',

they're desperate to give you
a Lifetime Achievement Award, poor guy.

You idiot,
you think I care about an award?

You care very much.

You think, I care?

You're an ignoramus,
that's what you are.

I haven't been paid
for a month.

You think she cares?

You know how much
veteran actors earn per play?

Ezra takes the bus home,

did you know that?

No. But good thing
we're inalienable assets.

Inalienable assets...

Maybe if I had
some assets of my own,

I wouldn't mind.

Then go tell her.
-Of course I'll tell her.

Yeah, right.
-Ofer, don't piss me off,

we're not talking about me.
-Why not? -No.

I don't have a problem
with what I earn here,

but you do, so go.

You go bark at her.

As if you earn so much here...

How much do you get per play?
How much?

I don't remember...
-How much?

My agent takes care of all that...

How much do you get per play?
Roughly?

About 900, 920 dollars.
-Dollars?

Dollars, not shekels?
-Uh-huh.

3,200 shekels,
that's what you make?

Per play?

Motherfucker!
Fuck you.

Oh, there he is!

Shlomo.
-Our dear Shlomo, yes.

It's always such a pleasure to see you.
-You too.

This man is truly...

an unalienable asset.

An unalienable asset.

Throughout the years

you've moved the hearts
of so many people in Israel.

We cannot tell
the story of Israeli culture

without you, Shlomo.

It's not work,

it's a calling.

Totally. -More power
to you, Shlomo. -Thank you.

I'm sorry,
I have to get ready.

Of course.
-Thank you.

I don't want to make
any promises, but...

if it were up to me,

the Lifetime Award
in the upcoming year?

I'll go make myself some coffee.
-No, Sarel will make it for you.

No, I'll make it the way I like it.

This is all so wonderful...

Are you trying to kill me?
What the hell is she writing, Sarel?

She's typing.

God damn it.

Karinchu, I have a weak heart,
I have nothing more to show her.

Oh my god.

Maybe there was traffic
because of the attack?

What attack?

There was a shooting attack
near Hebron. -When?

About half an hour ago.

But there are no casualties.

You disappeared.
-Yes.

Could you make me a cup of coffee?
Black.

A heaping teaspoon, thank you.

I met your ex.
-Yeah?

Lots of hair.

Listen, a few months ago

my ex gave me a call.

The one who was in
parliament with you? -Yes.

He asked me to visit him
in the hospital. So I did.

It was awful.

He's incontinent
and can barely eat,

and so skinny.

And he was such a hunk...

A former secret service man,
handsome,

women would fall at his feet.

Anyway,

I wheeled him out
into the hall

where he tugs at my sleeve
and whispers in my ear:

"Shulamit, do me a favor,
kick me down the stairs.

I can't take it anymore."

He was serious.
-What did you do? -What did I do?

I took him back to his room.

I could never kick that man

down any stairs.

I couldn't do it when I was 30,
and certainly not now.

Should I spell it out?
-If you could, yes.

Kick that man
out of your life now,

or you'll be stuck
with him for life.

Okay.
-Okay.

I've been here long enough.

I'll say they called me

to a cabinet meeting
and we'll go home.

What about the play?

I don't give a rat's ass.

It's not that I don't like plays,

theater is okay, but...

I prefer film.

Film is...
You know,

much more credible,
it captures life.

I'll have my coffee at home.
Thanks.

Vera.
-Listen...

I didn't want to worry you,
you heard about the attack, right? -Yes.

Our actress is stuck in traffic
because of the attack.

Thank God everyone is okay.

I didn't want to worry you,
I thought things would work out.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What can you do,
an attack is an attack.

Force majeure is...
force majeure...

That's our life here, isn't it?
-Yes.

Thanks.

And what happened
was a mistake, okay?

So...

It won't happen again.
-Of course.

Who'd go near you anyway?

Well, it's always nice
to see you, despite everything.

Thank you, you too.

Although I don't see
where all the money went

that I gave you last year
for renovations.

We renovated.
-No, you didn't. -Yes, we did.

I'd like to see exactly
where the money went.

And one more thing
I don't understand,

why was it so urgent to bring in
a foreign director?

With that money...

you could've hired
five of our own young directors

and let them do the work.

One more thing,
before I forget,

next season I want more comedies.
-Okay.

Not too long,
an hour, hour and a half tops.

No intermission.
-Okay.

Otherwise you'll lose your audience.
-Of course.

Okay.

Vera. -What?
-I'm ready.

And I'm not afraid.

Thank you for this opportunity.

It won't be necessary,
sweetie, but thanks.

Another time.

Thank you.

Good evening.

It's a sad evening.

But this is the complex reality here
in the State of Israel.

I wish we had the privilege
of only enjoying culture,

theater, dance, film,

but unfortunately,

those days have not yet come.

On an evening like this...
-She's here! -I'm here!

This is a clear reminder

of the many threats surrounding us.

We are a small country
besieged by enemies.

During all my years in office...
-Pull my pants off.

culture has always...

Not funny.

That's my bone.

Take the costume off.
It's my part.

It's my part and I'm playing it.

Even if some people here
think this dog

isn't important,
they don't understand anything.

Oh, you're the...
-This dog is the heart of the play.

It's all yours...

You can't do anything
in life without a heart, right?

Take it off, it's my part.

It's all yours, here.